Time Machine

If you could go back in time to  specific spot in your past, what would you choose?

I would choose to go back to the spring of 2002, when Mr Big and I first started dating.  To the day he told me it wasn't going to work between us anymore than just friends.  I was good with it.  I mean ya, it hurt - but we had only been dating a very short time and I was good with it.  then I talked to my brother.  Then my dad, who told me to make it work ................. so I fought for it.  I wish I never had.  The continuation of that dead relationship killed me in the end and brought me to this place.  Not taht this place is a bad place, but there are some things ...................  maybe the place I am in now, trying for a baby and buying a home with my husband would have been happening a few years ago.   Perhaps had I not spent so much time being trapped by my own emotions, I would have continued on in a more healthy way.  Spent those years investing that time with someone that loved me.  Or just on my own.    Maybe I never would have started drinking again...............
I wonder how things would be now if I had just continued to let that relationship be as I had wanted to.  Over.  Kept my dignity and pride in place and not allowed myself to  be used for the next 3 years after that.   Trapped by the fear of being alone.
There are no do overs in life.  No Re writes.  I knew at that moment, when it was happening, that it was a turning point.  I had had them before.  I was in a strong place and was able to just let it go with minor emotional injury.  I listened to people I trusted..............I was wrong.

Time does run out.  There is not always tomorrow or later

Trigger and Intercourse

Well, got shot this AM.  We have triggered ovulation.
I only have the one follicle (18mm) and it has taken a far too long time to mature.  We will try good old fashioned intercourse for the next 3 days.  I will spend my nights sleeping on my head.  What fun!
So been thinking about wine and how much I would like to hide in a glass.  then I remember the promise I made to myself.  15lbs............. besides the whole trying to conceive thing.
Told my office manager today what I've been up to.  The tests.  The shooting up.  The invasive up my hoohoo ultrasounds.  She was good.  Teared up a little.  I am not sure if that is becasue she was touched I was sharing it with her or about my situation.  Anyhow, I needed to.  Its getting hard with appointments to keep things straight at work.  Quite honestly, with the amount of supplements I am on and the hormones coursing thru my body I am kinda loopy.  My memory is stupid, I am tired and I get vertigo from time to time.  Oh and emotions.  I get a wee bit pissed off every once in awhile over stupid shit.  Could be that I am just sober, or it could be the hormones.  Don't know.
So I keep praying.  For a miracle.  To win the lottery.  That our house will sell for what we want for it.

Blog On

Egg Update

Friday was limbo day.
Small eggs.  left had one and the right had a couple small ones.  I muddled thru the weekend.  Thru the wedding where all the speeches contained something in them about the bride and groom procreating pronto!  All I could think of, what if they can't.  I mean, she is 38 he is 43.  they might not be able to, what horrible pressure is being put on them.
I had to go back this AM to see what if anything my eggs had done something.
The left one had.  It is growing.  slowly, but it is growing.  The left not so much.  he wants me back on Wednesday morning.
I can feel the left fighting to be heard this moment.  Is it worried it will be left out?
the oh so mild flashes of warmth, did their damage.  Up till this AM I was still not sure if they were hot flashes or not they were so mild.  Was it the tea?  Now I Know, it was my declining hormones.
The flashes are gone and have been gone for a few days now.
So now I am left to think. 
Do we go forward.  My Ovary Dr seems to think we do, even with just one.  My concern being, how viable is the egg going to be if it is taking so much longer to mature than last mnth.  The damage of hormones to ovaries that are tired of working.  Do we forge ahead?  Do we call it on this cycle, save the $$$ from the IUI and use the little we have left from insurance to try with another cycle?  Or is Every chance just that - a chance?  Every chance could be our last one ............. Every chance could be 'the one'
If money was no object, this would not be an issue.
I pray for answers.  I pray for a miracle.  I pray that the eggs, all of them have a growth spurt.  I pray I win the lottery.

Blog On!

Sometimes Knowledge Makes us Sad

So tomorrow I go and see if I have eggs.
Tonight I googled.  I should never do that.  Makes me so sad to see the odds for women over 40 and the success rates of IUI.  I am so very disheartened.

If you are in your 30's and can't decide if you want children yet.  Or want to wait till you are financially ready, you are dumb.  Money will always work out and children, offspring, have a way of letting you know without a doubt you are ready.
Sometimes the choice is taken from you.
i didn't have the decision to make and then it was gone

i still pray that we will be blessed, that we will be part of the 2%.  The 1 out of 172

If we had money.  If money was not an issue, I would keep going till it worked.

this is our last shot, our last basket .................

it makes me sad

Priceless ..................

Today, my daughter told me,  "thank you for being cool" and gave me the biggest hug.

Was it because I bought her a new DVD player, or because we bought tampons togehter and she could talk to me about it?  I dunno

but it was a pretty awesome moment and I had to document it.

Hello to the left

My Left ovary sure is having a party.  Yikes - it is busy!
Bleeding appears to have ceased as of the moment.  
Now I will wait to feel if my right ovary chimes in .........
4 days till an egg hunt
no tenderness left overs this time so It will be a clean slate and I will have a better understanding of my bodies changes.  I look at this as good.

Sorry I couldn't answer the Phone, i was shooting up ...........

Yup, right back at it and trying again.
AF began late last monday so we called Thursday the 7th day 3.   Just finished my last shot this AM.  It has been a messy, messy AF.  Reminded me of the one in September.
but this time something is different and making me very nervous and slightly upset with my body.
I am still bleeding.  its a week later and still ........... i am trying to remember if it was like that in September and I can't remember.  I was taking that course.  I am scared that my body has gone back to what it did so long ago.................bleed for weeks on end.  Frig!  enter anxiety here ................
I am scared.  This is our last shot, and it caves because of my body?
Friday we find out if i have follies I am praying that my body and its estrogen, testosterone arguments haven't stepped it up and crush everything.  Husband is taking his One-a-day religiously as well as folic and Omega.  I am down to half a cup of coffee in the AM and got all my vitamins happening.  Primrose/E/folic/C/Calcium/Omega
I am not as body aware this time around.  Sort of trying to ignore what the potential is this time.  I am so, so scared that it is not going to happen.  So scared that my meno-pause is rearing its ugly head.  So scared that being scared will eff it up all on its own.  I am my own worst enemy?
I so want a little one, an extension of husband and I.  A bloodline for husband.  Then I think, if we had the money, I would keep doing this till we got one!  Yes - I would.  You gotta remember, our meds have been covered by husbands extended medical through work.  If it doesn't work this time, do we dive into my savings and try again?  I am tempted, oh so tempted.
Now its become a challenge.  A challenge I am determined to win!  That can be  very destructive.  then that scares me.  Do I want it so badly because I am being told I can't have it?  Is my mind reverting back to childhood?  Wanting something strictly because I can't have it?  That is somehting I can't self analyze right now.  I am to rooted in fear.
I dream about holding a littel fuzzy head under my nose and cuddling and being up all night and feeding and running and playing and teaching and disciplining ............. having my life consumed by a little person.  Looking into its eyes and seeing the generations looking back.  WAtching my husband with a genetic clone of himself and the joy it would fill his heart with.  WAtching him feel what it is like to have that after never having it.  His sister having it too .............
i pray that please body let us do this.  Please God, i know I haven't been the best in the last years past, I have done this to myself, but please I pray that we are blessed