Mine was uneventful. How was yours?
Auntie Missy came and took the girls out.
She dressed as a racecar driver. which of course she is. so really she was going as herself. Nanny girl was Tigger. Then there was my fairy witch girl.
i have pictures.I'll have to post them tomorrow.
i work both places today.
What the Hell was I thinking? Yah i know.
Money. Bills. Thats what I was thinking.
Gotta get caught up. I am behind from the last 16 months.
All that gas I put on my poor, poor credit card.
You know a tank of gas now last me 2 weeks!
How cool is that?!!!!
I was filling up every few days before.
Holy Carp!
So last year this time I had just started planning my trip on a plane.
What a plane trip it was!!!
WoW!
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
Nutcracker
just bought our annual tickets for the Nutcracker.
only this year instead of 2 I bought 3!
i have 2 girls now.
only this year instead of 2 I bought 3!
i have 2 girls now.
in this House
Another tooth for the Queen!
the tooth fairy flew in and left her a loonie. she is so excited! Decided she will get a milk to go with it.
So my Nanny Girl has broken up with her boyfriend.
Poor little girl. Her heart is hurting. She is so sad. Men can be so stupid. I held her while she cried yesterday.
So now my phone is quiet. The Girl is home much more. Eating dinner with us even! that part is nice.
She is so good for Charlotte. Charlotte is good for her. Its neat how it has all come togehter and we each need a little something that the other is able to give. We are a makeshift family and it works great!
Tomorrow is Halloween.
YaY!
Sister is coming out. How fun will that be?!?
Sister, Nanny Girl and the Queen. I'll have to get pictures!
the tooth fairy flew in and left her a loonie. she is so excited! Decided she will get a milk to go with it.
So my Nanny Girl has broken up with her boyfriend.
Poor little girl. Her heart is hurting. She is so sad. Men can be so stupid. I held her while she cried yesterday.
So now my phone is quiet. The Girl is home much more. Eating dinner with us even! that part is nice.
She is so good for Charlotte. Charlotte is good for her. Its neat how it has all come togehter and we each need a little something that the other is able to give. We are a makeshift family and it works great!
Tomorrow is Halloween.
YaY!
Sister is coming out. How fun will that be?!?
Sister, Nanny Girl and the Queen. I'll have to get pictures!
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Mitch Miller's Weekly Drink Specials!!!
When the Canucks Play Bottle of Canadian is $3.25
Wings~10 for 3 Bux!
Mondays
Mitch Miller's Martini Mondays...$2.99
Coors Light...$3.50
Tuesdays
Paralyzer...$3.45
Budweiser...$3.50
Wednesday
Caesars...$3.45
Corona...$3.50
Thursdays
Long Island Ice Tea...$2.95
Canadian...$3.50
Fridays
Hi-Balls...$2.95
1/2 Litre Domestic House Wine...$9.95
Domestic Beer...$3.50
Saturdays
Ciders and Coolers...$3.50
1/2 Litre Import House Wine ...$11.95
Domestic Beer...$3.50
Sunday
Bartenders Rootbeer...$3.45
Glass of Import or Domestic Wine...$3.95
Import or Domestic Beer ...$3.50
Make your Drink Special a Double for $2.00!
When the Canucks Play Bottle of Canadian is $3.25
Wings~10 for 3 Bux!
Mondays
Mitch Miller's Martini Mondays...$2.99
Coors Light...$3.50
Tuesdays
Paralyzer...$3.45
Budweiser...$3.50
Wednesday
Caesars...$3.45
Corona...$3.50
Thursdays
Long Island Ice Tea...$2.95
Canadian...$3.50
Fridays
Hi-Balls...$2.95
1/2 Litre Domestic House Wine...$9.95
Domestic Beer...$3.50
Saturdays
Ciders and Coolers...$3.50
1/2 Litre Import House Wine ...$11.95
Domestic Beer...$3.50
Sunday
Bartenders Rootbeer...$3.45
Glass of Import or Domestic Wine...$3.95
Import or Domestic Beer ...$3.50
Make your Drink Special a Double for $2.00!
Golden Boy
Last night mountain man came over for a visit.
we just sat and talked for hours. No movie. No t.v. just talking. We haven't hung out all week. Turns out there was a lot to say.
I even braved the shaky ground and told him that Tall dude had been by.
Mountain and I are NOT an item, but i do know he has a crush on me. I do beleive we have a friendship and he deserves the respect that I am honest with him. He knows how I feel about Tall Dude. I could tell by the look on his face and the tone in his voice it was not easy for him to hear.
Not easy to hear that the man I love came over to visit.
Tall Dude is a big threat to him.
This I understand. I felt I owed it to him to be honest.
Than half-way thru our visit came a knock on the door.
It ws Tall Dude!
Was I uncomfortable?
Yup.
He stopped by on his way out. Wanted me to go with him. Of course I was entertaining. Yes he had called first, but I turned my phone off when Mountain got there. I was really not expecting to see Tall Dude again after last night.
So he 'dropped' by.
Standing at my door with his freshly dyed hair and clean shaven face. He looked 10 years younger standing there.
Gold. He's putting it back to brown today.
I asked him if he was going into the witness protection program.
I told him to come by after his going away party.
He did.
WE talked briefly and then he fell asleep.
It was so nice. So comfortable. So natural.
i don't how comfortable he was sleeping in his jeans, but whatever.
He has gone to get the moving truck and get his things packed for his long journey across the BC.
He will try his best to get everything done today so that he can come here tonight and spend as much time with me as possible before he leaves.
He has pushed his leaving day back to Wednesday. Just to see if he can be with me some more.
To think he was going to just go.
He has been struggling with talking to me about it cause he knew it was going to be hard.
Frig! Alberta! This seriously sucks Ass!
we just sat and talked for hours. No movie. No t.v. just talking. We haven't hung out all week. Turns out there was a lot to say.
I even braved the shaky ground and told him that Tall dude had been by.
Mountain and I are NOT an item, but i do know he has a crush on me. I do beleive we have a friendship and he deserves the respect that I am honest with him. He knows how I feel about Tall Dude. I could tell by the look on his face and the tone in his voice it was not easy for him to hear.
Not easy to hear that the man I love came over to visit.
Tall Dude is a big threat to him.
This I understand. I felt I owed it to him to be honest.
Than half-way thru our visit came a knock on the door.
It ws Tall Dude!
Was I uncomfortable?
Yup.
He stopped by on his way out. Wanted me to go with him. Of course I was entertaining. Yes he had called first, but I turned my phone off when Mountain got there. I was really not expecting to see Tall Dude again after last night.
So he 'dropped' by.
Standing at my door with his freshly dyed hair and clean shaven face. He looked 10 years younger standing there.
Gold. He's putting it back to brown today.
I asked him if he was going into the witness protection program.
I told him to come by after his going away party.
He did.
WE talked briefly and then he fell asleep.
It was so nice. So comfortable. So natural.
i don't how comfortable he was sleeping in his jeans, but whatever.
He has gone to get the moving truck and get his things packed for his long journey across the BC.
He will try his best to get everything done today so that he can come here tonight and spend as much time with me as possible before he leaves.
He has pushed his leaving day back to Wednesday. Just to see if he can be with me some more.
To think he was going to just go.
He has been struggling with talking to me about it cause he knew it was going to be hard.
Frig! Alberta! This seriously sucks Ass!
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Tall dude Friday Affair
WEll my Tall Dude turned up last night ringing my doorbell.
I went down and let him in.
We hugged, we cuddled, we slept, we kissed. Then he told me he was leaving for Alberta on Monday. Going to build houses. His kids are going, he needs to follow.
I cried.
Time has finally done its job. We are healed.
And he needs to leave.
Of course!
I went down and let him in.
We hugged, we cuddled, we slept, we kissed. Then he told me he was leaving for Alberta on Monday. Going to build houses. His kids are going, he needs to follow.
I cried.
Time has finally done its job. We are healed.
And he needs to leave.
Of course!
Friday, October 27, 2006
What an Amazing DAy!
What a great day!
We were so busy people had to sit at our bar or leave cause we were so over full.
My feet hurt. For the first time working there.
At the beginning of the lunch rush one of the guys in the back cut himself. Bad enought that he had to go to emerg for stitches.
Than 3/4 of the way through our sous chef slipped and not only sauced himself...(that was funny) Bashed his head so hard he ended up with a concussion, That only left my Chef...my Boss in the kitchen alone to tend with a full restaurant.
What an amazing guy!
His default isn't to freak out though.
Its to laughter!
i love It!!!
I had a lot of clean up to do. Many, Many dishes. Yes. I got back there and scrubbed them dAmn things.
Now back to my menus I go.
Gotta have em done by Monday.
Enjoy Your evening all!
We were so busy people had to sit at our bar or leave cause we were so over full.
My feet hurt. For the first time working there.
At the beginning of the lunch rush one of the guys in the back cut himself. Bad enought that he had to go to emerg for stitches.
Than 3/4 of the way through our sous chef slipped and not only sauced himself...(that was funny) Bashed his head so hard he ended up with a concussion, That only left my Chef...my Boss in the kitchen alone to tend with a full restaurant.
What an amazing guy!
His default isn't to freak out though.
Its to laughter!
i love It!!!
I had a lot of clean up to do. Many, Many dishes. Yes. I got back there and scrubbed them dAmn things.
Now back to my menus I go.
Gotta have em done by Monday.
Enjoy Your evening all!
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Anonymous
Seems i was attacked again.
only this time it was on Steph's blog in the comments.
Anonymous.......
non other than.......Michelle.
Now I can say a lot of nasty things back to you. Cause trust me......my arsenal is probably a lot larger than yours.
But I don't think I will. Cause at this point, I think Outing you is enough.
Don't ever come back here again.
you are not welcome
only this time it was on Steph's blog in the comments.
Anonymous.......
non other than.......Michelle.
Now I can say a lot of nasty things back to you. Cause trust me......my arsenal is probably a lot larger than yours.
But I don't think I will. Cause at this point, I think Outing you is enough.
Don't ever come back here again.
you are not welcome
Drinks
Have I mentioned how much I love my Job!
Its all coming together. finally got salt and peppers on the table. tealights. YaY!!
Soon maybe pictures for the walls!
I re-typed the whole menu and stuck it to the window so passersby can see what we have to offer.
Stuck our hours up too!
Now I am working on a drink menu.
i want to feature Monday nights as Martini night.
Any Fav recipes? Give em up and I will put them on.
i want lots of Mocktails too!
I want to decorate a bit for Halloween. Pumpkins. Maybe a spider. How fun! Should be an intersting night there in the core of old downtown!
Sister is coming out to take Charley out that night. I might be able to just stay home and hand out candy. Thats never happened! WooHoo.
Blog On Dudes!
Its all coming together. finally got salt and peppers on the table. tealights. YaY!!
Soon maybe pictures for the walls!
I re-typed the whole menu and stuck it to the window so passersby can see what we have to offer.
Stuck our hours up too!
Now I am working on a drink menu.
i want to feature Monday nights as Martini night.
Any Fav recipes? Give em up and I will put them on.
i want lots of Mocktails too!
I want to decorate a bit for Halloween. Pumpkins. Maybe a spider. How fun! Should be an intersting night there in the core of old downtown!
Sister is coming out to take Charley out that night. I might be able to just stay home and hand out candy. Thats never happened! WooHoo.
Blog On Dudes!
Monday, October 23, 2006
help! Advice from someone Who's been There before Me???
I am planning Charlottes kid party for Castle Fun park this year.
I've never done it away from home before. So this is new to me.
Should I still give out goody bags??
WE are doing the Golf thing and depending on how big the bill gets.....I'd like to provide a few tokens for the games.
Opinions.....
I've never done it away from home before. So this is new to me.
Should I still give out goody bags??
WE are doing the Golf thing and depending on how big the bill gets.....I'd like to provide a few tokens for the games.
Opinions.....
Remember This Guy?
SAturday night was a night for girls.
A birthday to be celebrated.
YaY Mandy!!!
I worked. Catered at a beautiful house on the mountain.
Spoke with some people I haven't seen in a long time. It was a nice party.
The driveway was a bitch though. 30 degree angle and I couldn't park close enough to where i had to unload. so that meant walking it up. up, up, up.......
My Ass fat didn't have a chance!
Good thing it was only for 30 people.
I opened the back doors of my van and everything just slid right to me.
Handy in some ways. Not so much in others.
I managed to be finished early enough to be able to go play!
I got out to the pub........but the girls were already gone.
*sniff*
Thats fine. I walked around outside and ended up having a very nice chat with Hot Nieghbour. He works the door there. I got a big hug and everything!
Awe...he misses me!
And Who Wouldn't?!
I am a wonderful amazing woman!
Even Tall Dude is Missing me!
I understand the ladies were able to see him in the flesh that evening as well.
He is a little shy, but if you were to say 'hi Hot Niehgbor' It would be okay. He'd only wonder for a second.
Glad you had fun Girls!
Blog On!
A birthday to be celebrated.
YaY Mandy!!!
I worked. Catered at a beautiful house on the mountain.
Spoke with some people I haven't seen in a long time. It was a nice party.
The driveway was a bitch though. 30 degree angle and I couldn't park close enough to where i had to unload. so that meant walking it up. up, up, up.......
My Ass fat didn't have a chance!
Good thing it was only for 30 people.
I opened the back doors of my van and everything just slid right to me.
Handy in some ways. Not so much in others.
I managed to be finished early enough to be able to go play!
I got out to the pub........but the girls were already gone.
*sniff*
Thats fine. I walked around outside and ended up having a very nice chat with Hot Nieghbour. He works the door there. I got a big hug and everything!
Awe...he misses me!
And Who Wouldn't?!
I am a wonderful amazing woman!
Even Tall Dude is Missing me!
I understand the ladies were able to see him in the flesh that evening as well.
He is a little shy, but if you were to say 'hi Hot Niehgbor' It would be okay. He'd only wonder for a second.
Glad you had fun Girls!
Blog On!
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Project Delivered
I finished my project.
It was wonderfully theraputic and kept my mind in a good place when it needed to be.
My project to say Thank~you.
Thank you for the nervous breakdown!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
With the finishing of the Project, next came the delivery.
I contacted Tall Dude.
He arrived at my door. i invited him in.
What a wonderful visit!
I thanked him for pushing me over the edge. Thanked him that because of him I sought the help i needed. Thankful that I am happy. I love my life!
he held me.
I gave him his basket.
He was excited and couldn't wait to go thru it all.
We sat in each others arms and talked and shared experiences from the last couple months.
I couldn't stop talking about my new job and my new nephew. He telling me poolboy stories of cold water and plungers.
then it was time for him to go.
Standing on the bottom stair I watched him put on his shoes. When he stood up we were eye to eye.
He took me in his arms and kissed me.
We paused and stood there for a few moments holding and hugging. Another kiss and he was gone. Basket in hand grin on his face......grin on mine.
Where does it go from here?
Nowhere as far as my mind thinks. I am good. I am fine. It was just a nice time with and old friend. Sharing and being.
Now on to the next thing!
Blog On dudes!
It was wonderfully theraputic and kept my mind in a good place when it needed to be.
My project to say Thank~you.
Thank you for the nervous breakdown!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
With the finishing of the Project, next came the delivery.
I contacted Tall Dude.
He arrived at my door. i invited him in.
What a wonderful visit!
I thanked him for pushing me over the edge. Thanked him that because of him I sought the help i needed. Thankful that I am happy. I love my life!
he held me.
I gave him his basket.
He was excited and couldn't wait to go thru it all.
We sat in each others arms and talked and shared experiences from the last couple months.
I couldn't stop talking about my new job and my new nephew. He telling me poolboy stories of cold water and plungers.
then it was time for him to go.
Standing on the bottom stair I watched him put on his shoes. When he stood up we were eye to eye.
He took me in his arms and kissed me.
We paused and stood there for a few moments holding and hugging. Another kiss and he was gone. Basket in hand grin on his face......grin on mine.
Where does it go from here?
Nowhere as far as my mind thinks. I am good. I am fine. It was just a nice time with and old friend. Sharing and being.
Now on to the next thing!
Blog On dudes!
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Oooglenoth!
Have i mentioned how much I love my job right now?!
Yesterday was a little hectic. I had a girl on that wore the wrong shoes. So when the place filled up she was not fast enough and her feet hurt. I am training her. Which is fine. If She Listens!!!
We chatted after.
She's good now.
So lunch didn't go as I would have liked it to go, but thats okay.
Frig we are busy!
Another one of the evening girls has an attitude problem. Another glitch. She turned on her heel and walked away from me while I was explaining things to her and another staff.
That did not go over well.
As it is not my place yet to 'deal' with her as I'd like to it makes it a weeee bit frustrating. However, I'm sure Chef Mitch took care of it last night.
Like I've always said......
Servers are a dime a dozen. Good ones are like finding a needle in a haystack! Worth at least a loonie!
So Yes I am enjoying my job! Being busy is awesome. Having a Fabulous kitchen is fantastic! Being back with the people and getting my clientele back.....so great! Just lots of hard work right now getting everyone up to speed.
Blog On dudes!
Yesterday was a little hectic. I had a girl on that wore the wrong shoes. So when the place filled up she was not fast enough and her feet hurt. I am training her. Which is fine. If She Listens!!!
We chatted after.
She's good now.
So lunch didn't go as I would have liked it to go, but thats okay.
Frig we are busy!
Another one of the evening girls has an attitude problem. Another glitch. She turned on her heel and walked away from me while I was explaining things to her and another staff.
That did not go over well.
As it is not my place yet to 'deal' with her as I'd like to it makes it a weeee bit frustrating. However, I'm sure Chef Mitch took care of it last night.
Like I've always said......
Servers are a dime a dozen. Good ones are like finding a needle in a haystack! Worth at least a loonie!
So Yes I am enjoying my job! Being busy is awesome. Having a Fabulous kitchen is fantastic! Being back with the people and getting my clientele back.....so great! Just lots of hard work right now getting everyone up to speed.
Blog On dudes!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
The Cob
I went up and visited my brother on Sunday.
Met my new nephew.
Oh soo sweet!
He is just so little. Like a doll.
I'd never been to the house before. They bought in the spring. So when I got there Bo was ready to give me a tour.....I pushed past that and bee-lined it for the mommy sounds I could hear somewhere in their big house.
There she was just finishing up changing and dressing him.
His eyes wide open....I pushed her out of the way and took over dressing him.
I was left alone in the room and Jacob and I bonded.
We hung out for the next few hours.
Charley had a hold too!
She didn't want to at first. But once he was put into her arms that was pretty much it. She didn't want to let him go either.
Her cousin. Her very first cousin. Its a big deal!
Cob and Ott. Cob n' Ott! Thats who they are! Cuzin Cob Cuzin Ott! haha.
There's a couple more pics on my photoblog from our visit.
Enjoy your Rainy Hump Day!
Met my new nephew.
Oh soo sweet!
He is just so little. Like a doll.
I'd never been to the house before. They bought in the spring. So when I got there Bo was ready to give me a tour.....I pushed past that and bee-lined it for the mommy sounds I could hear somewhere in their big house.
There she was just finishing up changing and dressing him.
His eyes wide open....I pushed her out of the way and took over dressing him.
I was left alone in the room and Jacob and I bonded.
We hung out for the next few hours.
Charley had a hold too!
She didn't want to at first. But once he was put into her arms that was pretty much it. She didn't want to let him go either.
Her cousin. Her very first cousin. Its a big deal!
Cob and Ott. Cob n' Ott! Thats who they are! Cuzin Cob Cuzin Ott! haha.
There's a couple more pics on my photoblog from our visit.
Enjoy your Rainy Hump Day!
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Hmmmm Work.
So today i work forever.
All day at the new place. Then the evening till close at the old place. I am sure to be a bag of shit tomorrow.
especially since I rock the house at the new place.
My first shift yesterday........we were smokin busy!
Those bugs better get worked out mighty quick cause there is jsut no time for them.
Lots of customers I recognize from the old place that recognized me. Non of my old clientele, just people I've served before.
I tell you--it felt so good to be back on the floor. So natural. I do love to serve.
However i do have a sore ankle. I fell out of a building a few weeks ago and landed kinda hard on it. It was dark. We were catering. I've noticed over the last few weeks. But this morning I REALLY notice it. Almost like it needs to be taped.
I hope it doesn't become an issue.
I won't have benefits till after Christmas!
Maybe my "O" will come back soon. don't want to go off the Pinks just to find that again.
I'm sure being happy, stress free, and content will help in a lot of areas.
Frig! I craved Oreos over the weekend.
I am covered in acne now!
fuck me backwards!! I hate that!
Blog on Dudes!
All day at the new place. Then the evening till close at the old place. I am sure to be a bag of shit tomorrow.
especially since I rock the house at the new place.
My first shift yesterday........we were smokin busy!
Those bugs better get worked out mighty quick cause there is jsut no time for them.
Lots of customers I recognize from the old place that recognized me. Non of my old clientele, just people I've served before.
I tell you--it felt so good to be back on the floor. So natural. I do love to serve.
However i do have a sore ankle. I fell out of a building a few weeks ago and landed kinda hard on it. It was dark. We were catering. I've noticed over the last few weeks. But this morning I REALLY notice it. Almost like it needs to be taped.
I hope it doesn't become an issue.
I won't have benefits till after Christmas!
Maybe my "O" will come back soon. don't want to go off the Pinks just to find that again.
I'm sure being happy, stress free, and content will help in a lot of areas.
Frig! I craved Oreos over the weekend.
I am covered in acne now!
fuck me backwards!! I hate that!
Blog on Dudes!
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Mountain Man
well.
I think i've been leading the guy on.
but not in the sense that I've been "leading him on" But I have been giving him hope. That is where i am leading him on.
The hope part.
Then I ask myself....maybe thats not too far off.
Maybe Hope is not such a bad thing
The guy I got stranded on the mountain with a couple weeks ago. The same guy I had the good face with longer ago than that and said no to. Can't do it. He understood.
so.....
WEll. He's been here. Often. we talk.
He is a good companion.
No sex.
Just cuddles. A couple kisses now and then. No touching. Just sharing affection.
He knows My heart is elsewhere.
As I have told him over and over again.
I've told him this is all I want.
The closeness. Not to be alone.
He is happy to oblige
but I'm sure as Human Nature dictates he is hoping for more.
I find myself, every once in awhile, questioning why i can't give him more?
Am I doing what Mr. Big did to me to mountian man?
i don't want to hurt him.
Yet he/we are getting close.
emotionally
Yet my heart won't let me..............
My project is completed. now I have to finish it.
than i suppose I will have more answers.
blog On Dudes!
I think i've been leading the guy on.
but not in the sense that I've been "leading him on" But I have been giving him hope. That is where i am leading him on.
The hope part.
Then I ask myself....maybe thats not too far off.
Maybe Hope is not such a bad thing
The guy I got stranded on the mountain with a couple weeks ago. The same guy I had the good face with longer ago than that and said no to. Can't do it. He understood.
so.....
WEll. He's been here. Often. we talk.
He is a good companion.
No sex.
Just cuddles. A couple kisses now and then. No touching. Just sharing affection.
He knows My heart is elsewhere.
As I have told him over and over again.
I've told him this is all I want.
The closeness. Not to be alone.
He is happy to oblige
but I'm sure as Human Nature dictates he is hoping for more.
I find myself, every once in awhile, questioning why i can't give him more?
Am I doing what Mr. Big did to me to mountian man?
i don't want to hurt him.
Yet he/we are getting close.
emotionally
Yet my heart won't let me..............
My project is completed. now I have to finish it.
than i suppose I will have more answers.
blog On Dudes!
Friday, October 13, 2006
the girl
This is the girl I had moved in with me.
Isn't she sweet it's her birthday this Sunday the 15th she will be Sweet 16!
No double chin remarks please.
I know its there.
just remember.....
I am a good reminder.........
it happens to everybody!!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Blinds
So i went to Wal-Mart 3 times today to buy blinds.
Yes I bought them. 3 times as a matter of fact.
Took em' back twice.
3rd time they fit.
Why didn't I measure them you ask?
The girl at customer service asked the same thing.
My answer.........
Cause I'm a DumbAss
Yes I bought them. 3 times as a matter of fact.
Took em' back twice.
3rd time they fit.
Why didn't I measure them you ask?
The girl at customer service asked the same thing.
My answer.........
Cause I'm a DumbAss
Candle
I am trying to find candle stick holders as part of the project i am working on. I can't find any!
unless they are glass, crystal, or stand at least a foot off the table!
Most everything is designed for tealights, votives, or pillars.
What the Hell!
I just want candle holders. Pewter, iron. Just not a foot off the friggin table!!
I've been to the fancy candle shop in the mall.
The Bay, Sears, 2 dollar stores, Pier 1, Home Sense, Home Outfitters, Zellers, 2 Antique Stores, a Pawn shop, Wal-Mart, my Meta-physical store, the Bead shop, London Drugs, Rexall Drugs, IGA..........
What The Hell I can't find what I want!
It shouldn't be so hard.
They used to be everytwhere
Frig. I'll go to the big mall I used to work in tomorrow.
Can you Believe it? Holy Carp!
unless they are glass, crystal, or stand at least a foot off the table!
Most everything is designed for tealights, votives, or pillars.
What the Hell!
I just want candle holders. Pewter, iron. Just not a foot off the friggin table!!
I've been to the fancy candle shop in the mall.
The Bay, Sears, 2 dollar stores, Pier 1, Home Sense, Home Outfitters, Zellers, 2 Antique Stores, a Pawn shop, Wal-Mart, my Meta-physical store, the Bead shop, London Drugs, Rexall Drugs, IGA..........
What The Hell I can't find what I want!
It shouldn't be so hard.
They used to be everytwhere
Frig. I'll go to the big mall I used to work in tomorrow.
Can you Believe it? Holy Carp!
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
burn
Ugh!
Heartburn!
I've got heartburn.
Never had it before. Not even when i was pregnant.
Damn Pink Things!
this is awful!
Oooh....with a side of anxiety to boot.
What The Hell!
Heartburn!
I've got heartburn.
Never had it before. Not even when i was pregnant.
Damn Pink Things!
this is awful!
Oooh....with a side of anxiety to boot.
What The Hell!
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
I spent 30Bux on New Underpants and Nylons today
Would you look at that.
I have become so boring thats the most exciting thing i have to report!
Holy Frig!
They were control top lycra nylons. Full support. The expensive kind. I have to wear a skirt at my new job. I have pasty white glowing skin. Nobody wants to see that.
Ummm. The panties had Betty Boop and Polka Dots on them so I figured why not?
Oh yes and lacy stay-ups. Cause well........they were there and I should really have a pair. Than I brought them home---turns out i have a few pairs. Whatta yah know.
Hmph.
Okay then.
I may need to become a sex blogger.
Carp! Thats no good either. Friggin Pink things. so good for some things. Not so good for others!
Blog On!
I have become so boring thats the most exciting thing i have to report!
Holy Frig!
They were control top lycra nylons. Full support. The expensive kind. I have to wear a skirt at my new job. I have pasty white glowing skin. Nobody wants to see that.
Ummm. The panties had Betty Boop and Polka Dots on them so I figured why not?
Oh yes and lacy stay-ups. Cause well........they were there and I should really have a pair. Than I brought them home---turns out i have a few pairs. Whatta yah know.
Hmph.
Okay then.
I may need to become a sex blogger.
Carp! Thats no good either. Friggin Pink things. so good for some things. Not so good for others!
Blog On!
Monday, October 09, 2006
Glorious Pink
So I had this nervous breakdown.
Y'all were present for it.
It had been coming for a few years.
I even know when it all started if you can believe it.
The downward spiral and how I desperatly kept my head above water for the past few years. Developing new coping skills along the way. You all watched as the tools I was using were faulty. You read as I crashed and crashed. As shit jsut happened to me. Sinking down further and further each time till I created my own drama. Finally landing at the bottom back in August.
I scraped along that bottom for a few weeks. Trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Why am I so broken? Why can't I stop?
I reached out to people People reached out to me, but ultimatly I was alone.
I did some crazy fucked up shit during that time.
Then it happened.
I became "unsafe"
I knew then I needed serious help.
Its funny cause the day after I made the appointment I got a letter from Muck telling me to do that very thing Or Else!
Things didn't get good right away.
they actaully got worse before they got better.
I started on medication it was bad in the beginning. Real bad. Like I can barely function bad.
I announced I was never taking them again!
Got that fixed!
Now i feel Great!
I never really knew how sick I was until now that I'm better looking back at the last few years.......
Holy Carp!
Now don't get me wrong. I still have a bit to go. Not out of the trees yet. But I tell you.......my new best friend comes in the form of a little Pink Pill that I have to take each day. My mind has changed soooo much.
Anxiety? What The Hell was that!
I didn't realize how much I lived with each and every day of my life. I had no idea. So when something would happen.......my emotions would hit the ceiling cause I was already half way there!
So much makes sense all of a sudden to me now.
I've been really sick for a long long time.
I am excited for where I am at now.
i love that my mind is clear. Sometimes too clear. Lol!
But its quiet. My thoughts are quiet. My mind isn't racing. I feel so amazing!
So happy!
I am grateful to the Tall Dude for being the straw.
i lost a lot that day in August. I lost my best friend and my lover. But out of that loss came a wonderous thing.
My life. I found it. I found me.
Had the night of horrors not happened..........I'm sure I would still be floating. I needed to hit bottom.
for that I am thankful.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Blog On Dudes!
Y'all were present for it.
It had been coming for a few years.
I even know when it all started if you can believe it.
The downward spiral and how I desperatly kept my head above water for the past few years. Developing new coping skills along the way. You all watched as the tools I was using were faulty. You read as I crashed and crashed. As shit jsut happened to me. Sinking down further and further each time till I created my own drama. Finally landing at the bottom back in August.
I scraped along that bottom for a few weeks. Trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Why am I so broken? Why can't I stop?
I reached out to people People reached out to me, but ultimatly I was alone.
I did some crazy fucked up shit during that time.
Then it happened.
I became "unsafe"
I knew then I needed serious help.
Its funny cause the day after I made the appointment I got a letter from Muck telling me to do that very thing Or Else!
Things didn't get good right away.
they actaully got worse before they got better.
I started on medication it was bad in the beginning. Real bad. Like I can barely function bad.
I announced I was never taking them again!
Got that fixed!
Now i feel Great!
I never really knew how sick I was until now that I'm better looking back at the last few years.......
Holy Carp!
Now don't get me wrong. I still have a bit to go. Not out of the trees yet. But I tell you.......my new best friend comes in the form of a little Pink Pill that I have to take each day. My mind has changed soooo much.
Anxiety? What The Hell was that!
I didn't realize how much I lived with each and every day of my life. I had no idea. So when something would happen.......my emotions would hit the ceiling cause I was already half way there!
So much makes sense all of a sudden to me now.
I've been really sick for a long long time.
I am excited for where I am at now.
i love that my mind is clear. Sometimes too clear. Lol!
But its quiet. My thoughts are quiet. My mind isn't racing. I feel so amazing!
So happy!
I am grateful to the Tall Dude for being the straw.
i lost a lot that day in August. I lost my best friend and my lover. But out of that loss came a wonderous thing.
My life. I found it. I found me.
Had the night of horrors not happened..........I'm sure I would still be floating. I needed to hit bottom.
for that I am thankful.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Blog On Dudes!
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Baby
Its A Boy!!!
She finally had labour start at 3 in the morning. Contractions were regular by about 9AM so thats when she was admitted.
i got the news of a nephew jsut after 5PM!!
He only weighs 5lbs 1oz.
They named him Jacob Thomas Tysse xxxxx
She had to go up for a Dn' C cause she had placenta problems.
So there you have it!
A week early. And teeny tiny baby. Now I figure out when to make the 4 hour drive to meet this little guy.
hw wonderful! Its jsut so exciting!
i can't wait!
My Bobo is a daddy. Hee Hee
She finally had labour start at 3 in the morning. Contractions were regular by about 9AM so thats when she was admitted.
i got the news of a nephew jsut after 5PM!!
He only weighs 5lbs 1oz.
They named him Jacob Thomas Tysse xxxxx
She had to go up for a Dn' C cause she had placenta problems.
So there you have it!
A week early. And teeny tiny baby. Now I figure out when to make the 4 hour drive to meet this little guy.
hw wonderful! Its jsut so exciting!
i can't wait!
My Bobo is a daddy. Hee Hee
Friday, October 06, 2006
gas Anyone?
Ran out of gas last night on the mountain.
Got home just about 5:30AM.
i am sooooo tired and i have a family dinner to go to in a few hours.
No I was not alone on the mountain and it was not my car.
It was cold.
WE kept warm.
And YES.....i laughed my Ass off!
Of course we run out of gas on a dirt road on a mountain! In the middle of nowhere. Why wouldn't we?
this is me afterall
Do you know how hard it is to describe to someone where you are to get help........
.
Then his phone battery died.
Yes. I laughed harder!
My alarm went off an hour after I climbed into bed.
I feel like a load of shit.
But i am still giggling
Oooglenoth!!
Got home just about 5:30AM.
i am sooooo tired and i have a family dinner to go to in a few hours.
No I was not alone on the mountain and it was not my car.
It was cold.
WE kept warm.
And YES.....i laughed my Ass off!
Of course we run out of gas on a dirt road on a mountain! In the middle of nowhere. Why wouldn't we?
this is me afterall
Do you know how hard it is to describe to someone where you are to get help........
.
Then his phone battery died.
Yes. I laughed harder!
My alarm went off an hour after I climbed into bed.
I feel like a load of shit.
But i am still giggling
Oooglenoth!!
Thursday, October 05, 2006
it'S A FunnY Thing
Life that is.
very funny!
the thing is
I am in a place where i can Laugh at it. Right the Fuck at It!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
See.
Thats me laughing my ass off!
very funny!
the thing is
I am in a place where i can Laugh at it. Right the Fuck at It!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
See.
Thats me laughing my ass off!
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Insomnia
What is with not being able to sleep?
Friggin.
Turn. toss. Turn. Flip! Grrrrr.
Then awake.
Others are doing it too as I've read.
Is it climate change?
I'm tired. I really am. My mind is not racing. I mean, I have lots to think about. But it wasn't all consuming thoughts. Everything is pretty calm in my life.
Or rather I am calm in my life with the things that are going on in it.
At the moment.......
so why then?
Why am I up in the night?
I bet its those damn Pink things!
Friggin.
Turn. toss. Turn. Flip! Grrrrr.
Then awake.
Others are doing it too as I've read.
Is it climate change?
I'm tired. I really am. My mind is not racing. I mean, I have lots to think about. But it wasn't all consuming thoughts. Everything is pretty calm in my life.
Or rather I am calm in my life with the things that are going on in it.
At the moment.......
so why then?
Why am I up in the night?
I bet its those damn Pink things!
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
My Mind
yes I have lots on my mind.
Different things really.
I've been doing lots of learning about myself in the last few weeks. I do enjoy learning new things about me. Some of its sad. Some of it scary. Some of it........well I just wonder if I'll ever be okay.
I've been thinking about my job. New and Old. Trying to learn what I can from the past. Trying to keep my thoughts healthy. Marvelling at how much easier its been lately.
I'm trying to keep myself busy while not working. To keep my mind off certain......things.
Thats been kinda hard. Everything costs money to do. But I think I found one project that will work for me. so for now i concentrate on that. Not expensive. Research is needed. so its time consuming and it interests me. All good elements in a Kristi project!
Charlotte its doing so marvelous these days. she has been awesome! We are not fighting nearly as much as we have in the past. She has made friends at school! Holy Carp! She's getting her work done. Both at school and home. Its going to suck the Largest Ranch Animals ever when she starts back at daycare again and I am not home for her as I have been. Although, now that I will have a proper schedule.....The Girl and I have worked it out so that she will pick up The Queen 2 days a week and bring her home. So she'll only be in afterschool care 2 times a week! How cool is that? But a mom still worries. Especially when its been going soooo well.
I've had new relationships growing as well as groomed a few of the old ones. I've had hands reaching out to me and I've accepted them and reached back.
I'm not feeling as self centered as I have for the last-seems like forever. I'm not out of the woods yet. But I think I might be out of the middle of the forest at least.
My mind thinks of Steph......
I miss the Tall dude so very much. He is always in my thoughts. The neat thing about it though is that I'm not depressed about it! Just sad. Just miss him. Is this what normal people go through? That is a very cool thing for me.
Am i finally like everyone else?
So I keep learning and keep listening to the new bits. Busy unburrying old bits of me. I don't know about these new bits yet. Its going to be interesting.
Blog On Dudes!
Oooglenoth!
Different things really.
I've been doing lots of learning about myself in the last few weeks. I do enjoy learning new things about me. Some of its sad. Some of it scary. Some of it........well I just wonder if I'll ever be okay.
I've been thinking about my job. New and Old. Trying to learn what I can from the past. Trying to keep my thoughts healthy. Marvelling at how much easier its been lately.
I'm trying to keep myself busy while not working. To keep my mind off certain......things.
Thats been kinda hard. Everything costs money to do. But I think I found one project that will work for me. so for now i concentrate on that. Not expensive. Research is needed. so its time consuming and it interests me. All good elements in a Kristi project!
Charlotte its doing so marvelous these days. she has been awesome! We are not fighting nearly as much as we have in the past. She has made friends at school! Holy Carp! She's getting her work done. Both at school and home. Its going to suck the Largest Ranch Animals ever when she starts back at daycare again and I am not home for her as I have been. Although, now that I will have a proper schedule.....The Girl and I have worked it out so that she will pick up The Queen 2 days a week and bring her home. So she'll only be in afterschool care 2 times a week! How cool is that? But a mom still worries. Especially when its been going soooo well.
I've had new relationships growing as well as groomed a few of the old ones. I've had hands reaching out to me and I've accepted them and reached back.
I'm not feeling as self centered as I have for the last-seems like forever. I'm not out of the woods yet. But I think I might be out of the middle of the forest at least.
My mind thinks of Steph......
I miss the Tall dude so very much. He is always in my thoughts. The neat thing about it though is that I'm not depressed about it! Just sad. Just miss him. Is this what normal people go through? That is a very cool thing for me.
Am i finally like everyone else?
So I keep learning and keep listening to the new bits. Busy unburrying old bits of me. I don't know about these new bits yet. Its going to be interesting.
Blog On Dudes!
Oooglenoth!
Monday, October 02, 2006
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Work
Well. I did it. I told my boss that I had a new job.
I found out yesterday that my new boss wants me to go for training early tuesday morning on the computers.
than i think my first shift will be Friday of next week.
The reason i say i think is becuase the restaurant is brand new and not even open yet.
He's waiting for all the city inspectors to pass him.
He may not pass and then not be open till the following week!
so i haven't known what to say to my boss.
There aren't any jobs in the next couple weeks anyhow. so I don't know what I was giving my notice to!
I know terrible.
but I covered all the parties for next week.
I'm working the one wednesday night.
Then when i told him he opened his book and there were jobs in there for thursday and Saturday now too!
Aaaaaaahhhh!
I am unavailable Thursdays anyhow cause Charley has piano.
so now I will search for a sitter for Saturday and keep my word to him.
I just can't keep working these nights. Especially during the week. I just don't have people to watch Charlotte. When the girl is here its fine, but she has to work too as she is paying her own way thru life......
she's only here once or twice during the week.
I feel soooo bad.
So my new job is in a restaurant.
mon-fri....9:30-5:30 every day except Thursdays when i'm off at 2:30 to pick up Charlotte from school and get her to piano.
Wage is good. Benefits to come. Expansion of the business too. Lots of room to move up and retire eventually.
its very promising as long as it all works out.
Restuarants of course are a hard business to make fly.
hopefully though it all goes well cause this would have a very promising future for Charley and I.
I found out yesterday that my new boss wants me to go for training early tuesday morning on the computers.
than i think my first shift will be Friday of next week.
The reason i say i think is becuase the restaurant is brand new and not even open yet.
He's waiting for all the city inspectors to pass him.
He may not pass and then not be open till the following week!
so i haven't known what to say to my boss.
There aren't any jobs in the next couple weeks anyhow. so I don't know what I was giving my notice to!
I know terrible.
but I covered all the parties for next week.
I'm working the one wednesday night.
Then when i told him he opened his book and there were jobs in there for thursday and Saturday now too!
Aaaaaaahhhh!
I am unavailable Thursdays anyhow cause Charley has piano.
so now I will search for a sitter for Saturday and keep my word to him.
I just can't keep working these nights. Especially during the week. I just don't have people to watch Charlotte. When the girl is here its fine, but she has to work too as she is paying her own way thru life......
she's only here once or twice during the week.
I feel soooo bad.
So my new job is in a restaurant.
mon-fri....9:30-5:30 every day except Thursdays when i'm off at 2:30 to pick up Charlotte from school and get her to piano.
Wage is good. Benefits to come. Expansion of the business too. Lots of room to move up and retire eventually.
its very promising as long as it all works out.
Restuarants of course are a hard business to make fly.
hopefully though it all goes well cause this would have a very promising future for Charley and I.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Its Gone
This is so wierd.
I don't really have anything to say these days.
Fieldtrip was great!
went up the mountain in the skyride thing.
I was fine.
I mean. I am petrified of heights. So totally afraid. I prepared myself that there was a good possiblity I could pass out.
but you know what........
I was fine.
Man a livin' These ARE good drugs!
I don't really have anything to say these days.
Fieldtrip was great!
went up the mountain in the skyride thing.
I was fine.
I mean. I am petrified of heights. So totally afraid. I prepared myself that there was a good possiblity I could pass out.
but you know what........
I was fine.
Man a livin' These ARE good drugs!
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Here i Am!!
I am here.
Time has jsut gotten away from me.
I've been spending some very important me time and healing all my owies.
I go on a field trip with The Queen's class tomorrow. WE have to be at the school by 7:45AM Holy Carp!!
Grouse Mountain. Its going to be a long day.
She is so thrilled to have her Mumby coming.
Oh Yah! Got a new job too!
I'm very excited about it. I feel bad to leave my boss. I'll still be available to cater Saturdays for him. I got what I asked for from this guy and its an awesome opportunity so I'm doing it!
Get in on the ground floor of a promising investment.
I'm excited!
Blog On Dudes!
Time has jsut gotten away from me.
I've been spending some very important me time and healing all my owies.
I go on a field trip with The Queen's class tomorrow. WE have to be at the school by 7:45AM Holy Carp!!
Grouse Mountain. Its going to be a long day.
She is so thrilled to have her Mumby coming.
Oh Yah! Got a new job too!
I'm very excited about it. I feel bad to leave my boss. I'll still be available to cater Saturdays for him. I got what I asked for from this guy and its an awesome opportunity so I'm doing it!
Get in on the ground floor of a promising investment.
I'm excited!
Blog On Dudes!
Sunday, September 24, 2006
See!
i knew y'all in bloggerville knew all there was to know about me!
I know its early in the morning and I am posting.
but not cause I can't sleep this time.
I just got home not long ago from work.
Frig! What a late night
Wedding planners........Ugh! What a nightmarish trio. Get Back! and let me do my job and you do yours!!
So waht to do when you don't know how to cook chicken.........
i knew y'all in bloggerville knew all there was to know about me!
I know its early in the morning and I am posting.
but not cause I can't sleep this time.
I just got home not long ago from work.
Frig! What a late night
Wedding planners........Ugh! What a nightmarish trio. Get Back! and let me do my job and you do yours!!
So waht to do when you don't know how to cook chicken.........
Friday, September 22, 2006
tagged!!
Man a livin!
I got tagged by both the Lioness and Muck.
What The Hell!
You are supposed to be my friends. you know I don't like t be tagged!
So Carp! I guess I have to play.
Facts about me.......
Habits.......
Hmmm.
i think blogville knows everything there is to know about me!
Hey! I know. Ask me some questions that you want to know and I'll do my best to answer them!
I'll choose 8
cause them the rules!
Mail me. Or leave them in the comments
I got tagged by both the Lioness and Muck.
What The Hell!
You are supposed to be my friends. you know I don't like t be tagged!
So Carp! I guess I have to play.
Facts about me.......
Habits.......
Hmmm.
i think blogville knows everything there is to know about me!
Hey! I know. Ask me some questions that you want to know and I'll do my best to answer them!
I'll choose 8
cause them the rules!
Mail me. Or leave them in the comments
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Awake
Again I am up in the night.
WEnt to bed at 9 cause I was so tired.
My eyes shot open at 11:33 and I am wide awake.
My mind is racing, racing, racing.
Trying to find solutions for my new set of problems at hand.
I can't sleep.
Sitters, Money, Job, medical stuff, DeBt, guilt.
Anxiety, insomnia, dizziness, loss of apetite, Armpit thing from stress! Frig I can't stand that one!
I'll be super pissed if my hair starts falling out. I want to be able to donate it again in January.
I have a beautiful Stoller and infant seat that only Charlotte used. Its practically brand new! Worth a few hundred dollars. For the right price I'll sell it. I hate to do that. It has always been my intention to give it away cause it was gift to me. However..........
WEnt to bed at 9 cause I was so tired.
My eyes shot open at 11:33 and I am wide awake.
My mind is racing, racing, racing.
Trying to find solutions for my new set of problems at hand.
I can't sleep.
Sitters, Money, Job, medical stuff, DeBt, guilt.
Anxiety, insomnia, dizziness, loss of apetite, Armpit thing from stress! Frig I can't stand that one!
I'll be super pissed if my hair starts falling out. I want to be able to donate it again in January.
I have a beautiful Stoller and infant seat that only Charlotte used. Its practically brand new! Worth a few hundred dollars. For the right price I'll sell it. I hate to do that. It has always been my intention to give it away cause it was gift to me. However..........
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Guilt & Fear
i keep trying to do this post.
I have erased it and revamped it over and over again.
I just feel wierd.
It was about soemthing I did this morning that I don't feel so great about. G & F has been following me around for the rest of the day.
is it possible I've lost my will to Blog?
Holy Carp!
Now I had a whole post on this but since I feel so ............ i've erased the rest.
I have erased it and revamped it over and over again.
I just feel wierd.
It was about soemthing I did this morning that I don't feel so great about. G & F has been following me around for the rest of the day.
is it possible I've lost my will to Blog?
Holy Carp!
Now I had a whole post on this but since I feel so ............ i've erased the rest.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Couldn't
There he was. good face. Hand postion good......
Stop! Stop! STOP!!
its not Like I didn't call him. WE were 'involved' just before Tall Dude and I got together. Familiar.
The tears.
The tears Rolled down my face.
tears NEVER ROLL down my face.
okay! Fuck! Lets do this!
okay he says.
Stop!
i Can't. I just can't.
We lay there. We talk. We talked. I turned my head. Tears..he can't see them. He knew. he reached over and brushed them away. We talked more.
DAmn it!
Damn it all to Hell!!
I'm done! Damn it i'm done!!!! Fuck him and all his horses!!
Let's Fuck!
Thoughts. I Love Tall Dude. I don't want to love him!!! Frig.....Larry popped into my head too. What is this?!?
Too hard. Its too hard.
I'm half naked. He's more naked. The light is green......
I couldn't. i just couldn't.
Guilt
guilt cause I wanted to. guilt cause i couldn't.
My heart said no.
Its not like i haven't done it before with this guy.
We were 'involved' before Tall dude and i were for frig sakes. so i know its good. I know its worth doing......I just couldn't.
I just couldn't.
My heart.
My heart said No!
and that surprised me
I want this!
I want to prove to myself.....
What the Hell is wrong with me!!!
Prove to him.
PROVE TO TALL DUDE!!!!
I can't do this!
The tears start. They roll down my face. DOWN MY FACE. Tears NEVER roll down my face.I sob. Sounds. Crying sounds. What The Hell!!!
Kristi....its okay. Its okay. It doesn't have to happen. I like your company.
i just don't want to be alone.
You don';t have to be. And you don't have to Fuck me to feel it.
Thanks Guy!
Stop! Stop! STOP!!
its not Like I didn't call him. WE were 'involved' just before Tall Dude and I got together. Familiar.
The tears.
The tears Rolled down my face.
tears NEVER ROLL down my face.
okay! Fuck! Lets do this!
okay he says.
Stop!
i Can't. I just can't.
We lay there. We talk. We talked. I turned my head. Tears..he can't see them. He knew. he reached over and brushed them away. We talked more.
DAmn it!
Damn it all to Hell!!
I'm done! Damn it i'm done!!!! Fuck him and all his horses!!
Let's Fuck!
Thoughts. I Love Tall Dude. I don't want to love him!!! Frig.....Larry popped into my head too. What is this?!?
Too hard. Its too hard.
I'm half naked. He's more naked. The light is green......
I couldn't. i just couldn't.
Guilt
guilt cause I wanted to. guilt cause i couldn't.
My heart said no.
Its not like i haven't done it before with this guy.
We were 'involved' before Tall dude and i were for frig sakes. so i know its good. I know its worth doing......I just couldn't.
I just couldn't.
My heart.
My heart said No!
and that surprised me
I want this!
I want to prove to myself.....
What the Hell is wrong with me!!!
Prove to him.
PROVE TO TALL DUDE!!!!
I can't do this!
The tears start. They roll down my face. DOWN MY FACE. Tears NEVER roll down my face.I sob. Sounds. Crying sounds. What The Hell!!!
Kristi....its okay. Its okay. It doesn't have to happen. I like your company.
i just don't want to be alone.
You don';t have to be. And you don't have to Fuck me to feel it.
Thanks Guy!
Friday, September 15, 2006
daMN IT!!
damn it all to hell!!!
Muck!!!!
hey,Try yelling that in a Crowd!!!
Muck!!!
Where the Hell are You?!????
Muck!!!!
hey,Try yelling that in a Crowd!!!
Muck!!!
Where the Hell are You?!????
Thursday, September 14, 2006
do you know what its like to suddenly realize how alone you truly are?
to wake up and have nothing.....no purpose.
I dropped her off at school and then................nothing. I have nowhere to be. No one to see. No one that i can call. Nothing to do except clean the house Again.
Depressed. Depression. All around me.
This is awful. i want out!
I'm sure there's lots. but i can't see it casue the depression blanket is covering my eyes.
Fuck! i hate this!
the only reason to get up is to get daughter to school and then pick her up again.
I can't find her rabbit.
I am so sad.
She is soooo sad.
Sinking sinking sinking
I thought Steph and I were working thru things. i didn't expect it to be easy, but I didn't expect it to be over. I've tried and I don't know what else to do. I've given space. I've not given space. I'm lost.
I miss the Tall Dude so much it hurts to breath.
He dropped a movie off for me last night and left right away.
i feel so utterly hopeless.
i mean really hopeless.
I did so much of this to my self. And so much of it just is. and......
i can't find the rabbit. I'm supposed to be Charlottes hero. I can fix anything. But i can't fix this. her heart hurts so much and so does mine and now it hurts even more and I just want to go away.
there is nothing for me here anymore.
i've done so much damage that can't be mended. No job. No partner. No companion.
I'm trapped within my own emotions and i am having a hard time finding my way out.
What do i have?
The most beautiful daughter in the whole world!
Matching furniture. A fluffy white cat. Dishwasher. I like my bed. I just got a sheepskin rug from my Nana last week. Its pretty nice.
the roof over my head has stopped leaking. My garden is nice.
i hope i get that job. Than at least i will have a reason to have a shower and wear deodorant.
yah know what?
i don't think I am okay.
to wake up and have nothing.....no purpose.
I dropped her off at school and then................nothing. I have nowhere to be. No one to see. No one that i can call. Nothing to do except clean the house Again.
Depressed. Depression. All around me.
This is awful. i want out!
I'm sure there's lots. but i can't see it casue the depression blanket is covering my eyes.
Fuck! i hate this!
the only reason to get up is to get daughter to school and then pick her up again.
I can't find her rabbit.
I am so sad.
She is soooo sad.
Sinking sinking sinking
I thought Steph and I were working thru things. i didn't expect it to be easy, but I didn't expect it to be over. I've tried and I don't know what else to do. I've given space. I've not given space. I'm lost.
I miss the Tall Dude so much it hurts to breath.
He dropped a movie off for me last night and left right away.
i feel so utterly hopeless.
i mean really hopeless.
I did so much of this to my self. And so much of it just is. and......
i can't find the rabbit. I'm supposed to be Charlottes hero. I can fix anything. But i can't fix this. her heart hurts so much and so does mine and now it hurts even more and I just want to go away.
there is nothing for me here anymore.
i've done so much damage that can't be mended. No job. No partner. No companion.
I'm trapped within my own emotions and i am having a hard time finding my way out.
What do i have?
The most beautiful daughter in the whole world!
Matching furniture. A fluffy white cat. Dishwasher. I like my bed. I just got a sheepskin rug from my Nana last week. Its pretty nice.
the roof over my head has stopped leaking. My garden is nice.
i hope i get that job. Than at least i will have a reason to have a shower and wear deodorant.
yah know what?
i don't think I am okay.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Binda
That Binda is a bitch!!!
Remeber Binda and the harriest pussy you ever did see?
WEll it turns out she is causing a great deal of angst for some people i greatly care about. I am totally not impressed!
She barely knew of Larry's passing.
Than out of the blue she is at the door.
She really needs a punch in the eye!
Like those kids don't have enough to deal with.
Grief, sales, extra responsibilities.
FUCKING BITCH!!!
JOB
my big 3 hour interview is today.
I hope I do well. I am so nervous. I really want this job. I don't know how many positions they are filling and i don't know how many people are going for the same thing. I'm sure its not just me!
It could be 20 to 1 shot for all I know.
Frig I hope i don't throw up in the middle of it!
Frig I hope they choose me!
Not that a new job wouldn't come with new problems. New challenges.
However......I'm pretty sure I would know my hours for the weekend by now!
Oh
Wait
I woulnd't be working on the weekend.
What a novelty. A schedule. Weekends off. Being able to plan things. Like going to the Mighty Lioness's Sex party Next Week!!!
Anyhow......
Blog on dudes!
Remeber Binda and the harriest pussy you ever did see?
WEll it turns out she is causing a great deal of angst for some people i greatly care about. I am totally not impressed!
She barely knew of Larry's passing.
Than out of the blue she is at the door.
She really needs a punch in the eye!
Like those kids don't have enough to deal with.
Grief, sales, extra responsibilities.
FUCKING BITCH!!!
JOB
my big 3 hour interview is today.
I hope I do well. I am so nervous. I really want this job. I don't know how many positions they are filling and i don't know how many people are going for the same thing. I'm sure its not just me!
It could be 20 to 1 shot for all I know.
Frig I hope i don't throw up in the middle of it!
Frig I hope they choose me!
Not that a new job wouldn't come with new problems. New challenges.
However......I'm pretty sure I would know my hours for the weekend by now!
Oh
Wait
I woulnd't be working on the weekend.
What a novelty. A schedule. Weekends off. Being able to plan things. Like going to the Mighty Lioness's Sex party Next Week!!!
Anyhow......
Blog on dudes!
Monday, September 11, 2006
*New*Bike*
The Queen got a Snazzy New bike from her Auntie this weekend!!!
i can't keep her off it!
thanks Muck!
For that and the rest........you know.
i can't keep her off it!
thanks Muck!
For that and the rest........you know.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Across The Line
So there we sat.
2 hours in the line to get across the Border!
2 Hours!!!
Got to see my Muck buddy so briefly.
I had timed it so that I might have soem time, yah know. But it didn't work out. And tomorrow it probably won't work out either.
i made it to the wedding site just in time.
Got it all together.
Got my staff doing their thing......
It was beautiful!
WE got rained on a bit. But it was still good.
Open host bar.
There were some ugly moments late in the evening in the parking lot.
I knew some people. That was wierd and uncomfortable.
The bride was gorgeous!
I'm gonna have to start taking my camera to these weddings.
She had a cupcake tiered deal instead of a wedding cake!
how great is that!!
Anyhow its late i must rest now.
Blog On!!
2 hours in the line to get across the Border!
2 Hours!!!
Got to see my Muck buddy so briefly.
I had timed it so that I might have soem time, yah know. But it didn't work out. And tomorrow it probably won't work out either.
i made it to the wedding site just in time.
Got it all together.
Got my staff doing their thing......
It was beautiful!
WE got rained on a bit. But it was still good.
Open host bar.
There were some ugly moments late in the evening in the parking lot.
I knew some people. That was wierd and uncomfortable.
The bride was gorgeous!
I'm gonna have to start taking my camera to these weddings.
She had a cupcake tiered deal instead of a wedding cake!
how great is that!!
Anyhow its late i must rest now.
Blog On!!
Friday, September 08, 2006
Bruise
so there was this ice chest I was lifting out of the van.
I lost it.
so I thought catching it with my leg was the answer.
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
oh so bad.
I kinda thought for a second it was broke. My leg that is.
Got a wedding tomorrow.
now we all know how I feel about those.
so the bruise. Oh the bruises. Yes big lumpy and blue. My pussy wanted to sit on my lap and i squeeked in pain.
oooh. and nice looking young boy i worked with today. Yum!
I'm single. so i am!!!
blog on kidz!
I lost it.
so I thought catching it with my leg was the answer.
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
oh so bad.
I kinda thought for a second it was broke. My leg that is.
Got a wedding tomorrow.
now we all know how I feel about those.
so the bruise. Oh the bruises. Yes big lumpy and blue. My pussy wanted to sit on my lap and i squeeked in pain.
oooh. and nice looking young boy i worked with today. Yum!
I'm single. so i am!!!
blog on kidz!
Frig I hate depression.
Fuckin Tall Dude!!!
I know I have to work today. But I just can't get it togehter. I miss the Tall dude like crazy.
How can it just be over?
I don't knwo how that happens.
We went from not being able to stay away from each other and kissing. Jsut kissing all the time to this!
He doens't even answer a plea when I am crying and just need a friend.
And why is it taht when i'm feeling like this only the company of a man will fix it? Why? or certain men. I just don't get it.
Why am I made like this.
i will never understand this part of me.
The part where a relationship with a significant other makes me or breaks me.
of course i think most women are like this.
Need the man for comfort. Of course i'm sure a bunch of you are now saying .....NOOOOO!!!!
but take a look at your life. Are you in a relationship? Or do you have some with men? If you are or do, than you can't say that you don't need it cause you haven't been without it.
Even it you still go to your girlfriends you still and already get that testosterone fill.
So I guess i just answered my own question!
I had an old friend come over last night. Haven't seen him in years, so that was nice. It was a good visit. We talked a lot about the events that just took place. What happened with me job. Larry. Wow. We talked a lot about Larry. or rahter I did. I sure miss him.
He's known me for nearly 20 years. the guy that was here. we are similar creatures. It was a good talk.
I sure miss Tall Dude.
i jsut don't understand how that happened. how do his feelings go from way up high to way down low. I just don't understand.
Fuckin Tall Dude!!!
I know I have to work today. But I just can't get it togehter. I miss the Tall dude like crazy.
How can it just be over?
I don't knwo how that happens.
We went from not being able to stay away from each other and kissing. Jsut kissing all the time to this!
He doens't even answer a plea when I am crying and just need a friend.
And why is it taht when i'm feeling like this only the company of a man will fix it? Why? or certain men. I just don't get it.
Why am I made like this.
i will never understand this part of me.
The part where a relationship with a significant other makes me or breaks me.
of course i think most women are like this.
Need the man for comfort. Of course i'm sure a bunch of you are now saying .....NOOOOO!!!!
but take a look at your life. Are you in a relationship? Or do you have some with men? If you are or do, than you can't say that you don't need it cause you haven't been without it.
Even it you still go to your girlfriends you still and already get that testosterone fill.
So I guess i just answered my own question!
I had an old friend come over last night. Haven't seen him in years, so that was nice. It was a good visit. We talked a lot about the events that just took place. What happened with me job. Larry. Wow. We talked a lot about Larry. or rahter I did. I sure miss him.
He's known me for nearly 20 years. the guy that was here. we are similar creatures. It was a good talk.
I sure miss Tall Dude.
i jsut don't understand how that happened. how do his feelings go from way up high to way down low. I just don't understand.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
The girL
the girl that is moving in to my basement to babysit for me for room and board.......
yah she just up and got a job!
Okay. Fine. So she pays me rent, but now I'm back to not having a sitter for the weekends or evenings!
How the Hell do I work?
FUCK!!!!
yah she just up and got a job!
Okay. Fine. So she pays me rent, but now I'm back to not having a sitter for the weekends or evenings!
How the Hell do I work?
FUCK!!!!
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
THEY CALLED!!
The phone rang late in the afternoon.
It was them!
The job people that I had the informal deal with last week!!!
They want to see me for the Big Real 3 hour interview!
Holy Carp!
Next WEd is the day.
3 hours is the estimated time to be spoken to by 3 different people and evaluated.
i am nervous already!
It was the job i REALLY wanted when I left the restuarant originally just over a year ago.
Man I hope I can impress them.
I hope I can do the job.
By the time I left my last one I sure felt insecure, stupid and like a complete failure.
okay. Blog on Dudes!!
It was them!
The job people that I had the informal deal with last week!!!
They want to see me for the Big Real 3 hour interview!
Holy Carp!
Next WEd is the day.
3 hours is the estimated time to be spoken to by 3 different people and evaluated.
i am nervous already!
It was the job i REALLY wanted when I left the restuarant originally just over a year ago.
Man I hope I can impress them.
I hope I can do the job.
By the time I left my last one I sure felt insecure, stupid and like a complete failure.
okay. Blog on Dudes!!
Little Voice
My sweet girl. At school. Its lunch time.
As you might re-call her best and only friend moved away during the summer.
I'm working. My cell rings. I look at the number....its the school.
I'm of course thinking~CRAP!!!!
there it is. Her little voice.
"mumby. Its lunch time and I don't have anyone to play with"
Did you hear that?
Yes. It was the sound of my heart breaking just a little bit more. I'm in my car running errands for my job I could just go to her. Its not like its far. She feels dumb. She's just walking around all alone.
so i think about it a minute......she needs to work thru this. Find her place.
I can't go to her. The kids will really make fun of her then.
so i say to her lets just talk about your morning and I'll stay on the phone with you till the bell rings. Maybe you'll feel better about it in a second or 2.
(Besides the part where I am on a timeline and on the clock. But I don't tell her that part. Frig i got all kinds of driving around to do!)
she agrees. That will be okay.
We talked till the monitors told her to hurry up.
I asked her if she would be okay.
She said yes.
"Thanks Mumby. I love You"
'oh sweetie. i love you too.'
Poor little thing!
As you might re-call her best and only friend moved away during the summer.
I'm working. My cell rings. I look at the number....its the school.
I'm of course thinking~CRAP!!!!
there it is. Her little voice.
"mumby. Its lunch time and I don't have anyone to play with"
Did you hear that?
Yes. It was the sound of my heart breaking just a little bit more. I'm in my car running errands for my job I could just go to her. Its not like its far. She feels dumb. She's just walking around all alone.
so i think about it a minute......she needs to work thru this. Find her place.
I can't go to her. The kids will really make fun of her then.
so i say to her lets just talk about your morning and I'll stay on the phone with you till the bell rings. Maybe you'll feel better about it in a second or 2.
(Besides the part where I am on a timeline and on the clock. But I don't tell her that part. Frig i got all kinds of driving around to do!)
she agrees. That will be okay.
We talked till the monitors told her to hurry up.
I asked her if she would be okay.
She said yes.
"Thanks Mumby. I love You"
'oh sweetie. i love you too.'
Poor little thing!
The Queen on Her First day Of School
there she is!
Grade 3 ready!
Her new Raven backpack. Got rid of the one she's had since kindergarten. Princess's Bleck! She says.
Grade 3 ready!
Her new Raven backpack. Got rid of the one she's had since kindergarten. Princess's Bleck! She says.
I really think the socks make the outfit come together!
Charley has a thing about socks. And thats fine with me. Its how she shows her individuality!
Perfect!!!
She was soo excited!
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
No Love Here
So after the tearful voicemail I left for Tall Dude on Sunday he texted me that night.
I immediatly called my sister to ask her advice.
I talked with her for an hour until her battery died.
i hung up and got ready for bed. Cause it was way past my bedtime.
The phone rang.
it was him.
He felt bad. He didn't want to leave things the way they had been left. He was calling to say goodbye.
His feelings for me have stopped.
He knows he hurt me.
He knows he put me there.
He knows I reacted as i did because I was so hurt.
He never wanted to hurt me and feels horrible.
We can work thru things I say. I love you. We can work thru anything.
I jsut don't see how thats possible he says. I don't work thru things. I jsut don';t.
But is that what you truly want? Is it? Never to see me again?
I could barely hear anything he was saying. He is such a low talker. His phone cuts out so much. I cried and cried.
You can't jsut stop loving me. It doens't work like that.
Love is love. It just is.
than you never really loved me to begin with.
it wans't about sex.
We weren't about that. We were just honestly really into each other.
I went to Wal-Mart yesterday, in the middle of the afternoon, to get new first day of school shoes for Charlotte. The parking lot was full. Christmas time full. There must have been at the very least....3000 people there!
I walk in the front door.
Guess who's walking out......
Tall Dude
So I sit here today. Alone. After dropping Charley off for her first day.
The first day of school is always hard for me. I always cry.
Driving away with my dark sunglasses on.
My heart is jsut aching cause my little girl is in grade 3!
I want to phone Steph.
Of course i can't.
Than I think of calling Tall Dude.
Of course i can't.
I text my sister. She's been so good this last week.
i have yet to hear from her. She is working.
I stop at the corner and jsut cry. it hurts. It jsut all hurts.
Now i sit here in my pain.
The pain I am so familiar with that jsut seems to be part of who I am.
Truth is I don't want to be sober.
Yah. I know its a problem.
but my insides hurt too much and I just don't care anymore.
Sober or not I'm sitting here hurting and alone.
5 1/2 yrs ago I wanted it. I wanted the change bad.
Now......
I've lived that way and I've lived this way.
I just don't care anymore
Either way.....
All I feel is hurt and lonliness.
Some of it i put there. some of it........just is.
All of it I want gone!
I immediatly called my sister to ask her advice.
I talked with her for an hour until her battery died.
i hung up and got ready for bed. Cause it was way past my bedtime.
The phone rang.
it was him.
He felt bad. He didn't want to leave things the way they had been left. He was calling to say goodbye.
His feelings for me have stopped.
He knows he hurt me.
He knows he put me there.
He knows I reacted as i did because I was so hurt.
He never wanted to hurt me and feels horrible.
We can work thru things I say. I love you. We can work thru anything.
I jsut don't see how thats possible he says. I don't work thru things. I jsut don';t.
But is that what you truly want? Is it? Never to see me again?
I could barely hear anything he was saying. He is such a low talker. His phone cuts out so much. I cried and cried.
You can't jsut stop loving me. It doens't work like that.
Love is love. It just is.
than you never really loved me to begin with.
it wans't about sex.
We weren't about that. We were just honestly really into each other.
I went to Wal-Mart yesterday, in the middle of the afternoon, to get new first day of school shoes for Charlotte. The parking lot was full. Christmas time full. There must have been at the very least....3000 people there!
I walk in the front door.
Guess who's walking out......
Tall Dude
So I sit here today. Alone. After dropping Charley off for her first day.
The first day of school is always hard for me. I always cry.
Driving away with my dark sunglasses on.
My heart is jsut aching cause my little girl is in grade 3!
I want to phone Steph.
Of course i can't.
Than I think of calling Tall Dude.
Of course i can't.
I text my sister. She's been so good this last week.
i have yet to hear from her. She is working.
I stop at the corner and jsut cry. it hurts. It jsut all hurts.
Now i sit here in my pain.
The pain I am so familiar with that jsut seems to be part of who I am.
Truth is I don't want to be sober.
Yah. I know its a problem.
but my insides hurt too much and I just don't care anymore.
Sober or not I'm sitting here hurting and alone.
5 1/2 yrs ago I wanted it. I wanted the change bad.
Now......
I've lived that way and I've lived this way.
I just don't care anymore
Either way.....
All I feel is hurt and lonliness.
Some of it i put there. some of it........just is.
All of it I want gone!
Sunday, September 03, 2006
My Name is Kristi......
and i'm an........
Now you see I had every intention of finishing that sentence and it just looked so cold so final. The words just staring at me.
I got up this morning sober.
Sober for the first time-well i'll just leave it at that.
James invited me to church.
Thank you.
i went. I cried. Charley played with Ozzie.
Before I picked her up from my moms I went thru my house and pulled out all the liquor bottles and put them in a box.
The box is now in the trunk of my car.
I called Tall Dude. He hung up on me.
I called back and left a very long very sorry very tearful message of goodbye. I don't expect to ever hear from him agian.
Only thats all I hope for. To hear from him again. Even though he is in a bad place right now and therfore bad for me. Oh how i fixed things. I fixed things but good!
I let my inner psyscho out and I couldn't get her back in fast enough before she did irrepairable damage.
Steph and I.......
Steph truly loves me and I truly love her I believe that love will carry us thru. Not right now, but in time.
time is the only thing.
So today in day 1
I am lonely.
i am scared.
My heart is in millions of peices.
I keep crying in these intermittant phases.
i hate living sober its so damn much like that!!!
but I love my relationships more. I have so very few.
Tall Dude broke my heart. So so badly. I left so much out.
Steph knows all of it.
and I took my broken heart and all the pain he gave to me and I forced it on Steph.
I was wrong.
I was wrong for doing that to her.
I was wrong for the things I did to Tall Dude after.
I was wrong I was drunk and my judgement was extinct.
I fucked up.
And now I will get better.
I know what the solutions are I will now apply them.
I miss my friend.
She is such a good friend and I Fucked up.
My sister has been so great. Damn funny too!
Doodle thank you for your honesty
Lioness your MSN/notes.
Miss K. your support.
Jen your words.
Liz your call.
Muck your experience.
James you're non-judgemental ways.
d. the encouragement
Tom your ear
Thank you.
Hi. My name is Kristi and I'm an alcoholic.
Now you see I had every intention of finishing that sentence and it just looked so cold so final. The words just staring at me.
I got up this morning sober.
Sober for the first time-well i'll just leave it at that.
James invited me to church.
Thank you.
i went. I cried. Charley played with Ozzie.
Before I picked her up from my moms I went thru my house and pulled out all the liquor bottles and put them in a box.
The box is now in the trunk of my car.
I called Tall Dude. He hung up on me.
I called back and left a very long very sorry very tearful message of goodbye. I don't expect to ever hear from him agian.
Only thats all I hope for. To hear from him again. Even though he is in a bad place right now and therfore bad for me. Oh how i fixed things. I fixed things but good!
I let my inner psyscho out and I couldn't get her back in fast enough before she did irrepairable damage.
Steph and I.......
Steph truly loves me and I truly love her I believe that love will carry us thru. Not right now, but in time.
time is the only thing.
So today in day 1
I am lonely.
i am scared.
My heart is in millions of peices.
I keep crying in these intermittant phases.
i hate living sober its so damn much like that!!!
but I love my relationships more. I have so very few.
Tall Dude broke my heart. So so badly. I left so much out.
Steph knows all of it.
and I took my broken heart and all the pain he gave to me and I forced it on Steph.
I was wrong.
I was wrong for doing that to her.
I was wrong for the things I did to Tall Dude after.
I was wrong I was drunk and my judgement was extinct.
I fucked up.
And now I will get better.
I know what the solutions are I will now apply them.
I miss my friend.
She is such a good friend and I Fucked up.
My sister has been so great. Damn funny too!
Doodle thank you for your honesty
Lioness your MSN/notes.
Miss K. your support.
Jen your words.
Liz your call.
Muck your experience.
James you're non-judgemental ways.
d. the encouragement
Tom your ear
Thank you.
Hi. My name is Kristi and I'm an alcoholic.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Friday, September 01, 2006
What The......
I broke my hammer trying to take out a nail!!!
how the FFFF does that happen?!?
that was the first tool I ever bought when is was 20!!!
Damn. this has jsut been a Bad week all around.
how the FFFF does that happen?!?
that was the first tool I ever bought when is was 20!!!
Damn. this has jsut been a Bad week all around.
Altercation Miss K?
Didn't we have an altercation a few years ago.
WE were both sober for that.
but both extremly pissed!
An altercation that was blurry for me at the time.
An altercation that got clearer as the smoke settled.
An altercation i felt in my muscles for a couple days afterward.
An altercation we both had to come to terms with and move past.
An altercation that awful.
An altercation......
i am not defending what I did.
I am jsut saying that the focus is on the wrong thing.
but for my friend I will make the right choice cause I love her.
WE were both sober for that.
but both extremly pissed!
An altercation that was blurry for me at the time.
An altercation that got clearer as the smoke settled.
An altercation i felt in my muscles for a couple days afterward.
An altercation we both had to come to terms with and move past.
An altercation that awful.
An altercation......
i am not defending what I did.
I am jsut saying that the focus is on the wrong thing.
but for my friend I will make the right choice cause I love her.
Bike
Charlotte rode a bike off my sisters cement outside stairs last night.
I believe anything is fixable when love is involved
I believe anything is fixable when love is involved