Dreaded Conversation

well its out there.

Didn't go AT ALL how I had rehearsed in my head.  Him saying things I didn't expect.  Like - I got what I wanted.  Leah is out of his life.  BAHAHAHA!  since when.  This week!  It was not more than 6 weeks ago when it took you till 9pm to get out of there.  So you are out till August when she needs back to school clothes for Teaghan and you go on the cute family shop.  

I asked if the issues had been resolved cuase I never got a phone call from her to work things out.  What Issues?  insert blank stare here

ok - well fact is I hurt and having teaghan stresses me out I dont think this is a good time.  Why does she stress me out he asks.  Cuase I have to walk on eggshells when she is here.  ITS MY HOUSE!!!  I can't discipline her, i can barely talk to her without you jumping down my throat.  

I thought you were trying to build a family unit?  HOLY CRAP!  yah.  not now!  NOt now that I've been left out, dis-respected and ignored for 3 years.  Not now that she hasn't been "allowed" within 10 feet of me for the last 8 months.  Not now that no matter how I try I am NEVER included.  Not when I can't treat her as my own cause I get 'put in my place'

You wanted it to be 2 separate families Mntn.  You never sided with me on anything against Leah.  You have either stood in the middle or stood with her.  Well there you go.  This is what you have created.  I am not putting my emotions or Charlottes out there to get stomped on anymore.  You have what you have created and i have what I have created.

I am in Too much pain for this Shite!

and after the results from the Doctor - I am not into the next wave of manipulation.  I said to him.....so we get teaghan and then in 6 weeks when Leah feels like it she pulls her out from under us again.  FUCK THAT!!!  I told him I am not enabling her Bad parenting choices.

We will need to talk about it tonight

I am tired.  I didn't sleep.  I'm gonna have to take those stupid before bed pills again.  I hurt and all I can picture is my leg bone chipping off against my pelvis.   I'm sure there's special way for my to be sitting and laying........ 

Pain

so here i sit after not sleeping to shit hot last night.

i hurt.  Guess the combination of 3 days of work in a row and the doc pocking and proding has hurt the are but good.  Of course now that i know.....that sent my head whirring last night.  I lay in bed with my fingers on my tummy like he showed me squeezing the muscle.  Hold for 10 and then let go.  i have to do 50 reps.

Is it my pelvic floor?  No.  but its close to it i think.   Its the band of muscle that holds my Pelvis Together!  He explained everything to me while Mountain sat listening.  he used those fake skeleton things you see in the doctors office.  WoW.  I always thought they were for decoration only!  Anyway.  He used those and I'm slightly scared.  I lay here last night thinking......if I can't get it back with excercise and therapy I'll have to be operated on!

I hurt a lot today.  i am swollen and i have to go to work.  This sucks.  As it sinks in and the words reverberate through my brain and Mountain and I have talked about it..........this is jsut bad.

Hip Socket?

my hiip socket really is out!!

i have to do these fffed up excercises to strengthn the pelvic floor to pull stuff back into place.  lie on my back and pretend like I am trying to hold a tampon in.  NO NOT KEGELS!  cause thats what I said.  This is different.  This is where my BenWa balls would be helpful.  hey I should find those!!!   I'm not sure if I know what I am doing.  Flexing and holding down there kind started to get my excited.  So I don't knwo if I was doing it right.  I;ll figure it out. I'll find my balls and use those.   Then theres another one I have to do where I put one leg up and bend and dive and......its wierd....but hopefully it works.  So I really did jar my leg out of place!  Holy Carp!  it wasn't in my head.  No wonder I am in pain.  My hip bones are k-nicking against each other and yes, it does feel like my leg is dis-jointed cuz it is!!!

so I have physio to look forward to and these dumb excercises and pain with work.  But i did get "the note" and got it faxed to ICBC so hopefully i will be reinbursed soon for my loss of wages.

Oh yes and Thank you to those of you that helped fund raise for Charley to go to camp.  My bill for her came to a WHOPPING $12.37!!!   WooooHoooo.

Theres also another matter that we went to the Doc for.....but thats updated on my other blog

Blog On!

I'm Missing my T.....

Oh Great!

he misses her.  Totally normal he wouldn't be the man I love if he didn't.  He wants to get her this weekend.  I say nothing and I don't open the door to conversation about it.

I am not ready for the rest of the conversation that will follow.  I need for him to lead it and I will stay calm and simply say no.

i figure it should go something like this -

Why is it that Teaghan is again allowed to be in my home?  I'm sure he will respond with somehting similar to the half conversation we had 5 weeks ago.  I guess Leah has gotten over it

To this i might inquire if they've discussed it and resolved it.  I don't know what to expect there.  I think I will have to find the right words for this next bit, but I will respond with soemthing like I haven't recieved a phone call from her.  She hasn't resolved anything with me.  To this he will get mad.  I plan to work in that I have not changed.  I might leave out some stuff depending on which way the conversation goes.  but I think I will bring up parts of the conversation she and I had in November.  The part where she doesn't beleive me to like her kid.  If that is true, than I question her reasons for putting her child in a place where she is not liked or wanted if thats what she believes - are you getting this.  I think I am confusing myself.  

I think my best bet is to leave out that last part altogether and just say I don't feel comfortable having Teaghan here.  I feel that Leah is a bad mother and I don't want to include myself or Charlotte in the enablement of it.  and leave it at that.  If he pushes further, thats when I will give my reasons  Ie. the conversation.  

I know this is a jumpy post and if you can follow it Great!

Bottom line......i don't want to expose myself to the drama and stress that come with that girl and I don't want to put Charley out there either.  WE (all 4 of us) all get in the comfy family zone and then Leah gets bitchy and pulls the kid!  and Then we are all left hurt.  Forget it!  I'm not doing it.  I am a real family not a pretend one and I don't want to play house with her without getting to actually be a part of her.

or how bout' - I don't think its in the teaghans bet interests to come here under the circumstances. 

Done Deal!

Blog ON!

Scared to drive Today

Its wet out.  The roads are damp.  Its slippy.  

I am scared to drive to work.

This sucks.  

Flashback to looking in my rear-view and watching the grill come up so fast behind me. My head flying forward.  Feeling like my skull left my spine.......

this really sucks.

and then the second truck only a week later that nearly ended up in my trunk!  he was going even faster than the first.

I gotta stop looking in my rear view mirror.

CHarley has a Friend over from School!!!!

how cool is that?!!

ScHoOL?

What if I went back to school?

I've been thinking.  I could very likely be screwed to do this job till retirement as I might like.  Maybe I go back and finish what I started - childcare degree.

or maybe I go back and see what it would take to do what I've always wanted and be a psychologist?  That one would take years.  Especially since I know I would have to upgrade first.  Suck!

if I finish my degree - if they accept me, its been a long time out - i could use that as a route to Child psychology!

I don't know.  Just tossing around ideas in my head.  I am scared.  Scared about how I might not be able to work and I have to do something!  It would be expensive too.  but if I did it part-time?  over millions of years?  and work part-time?

when i was in high-school I had being a psychiatrist would be something I would like.  Taht takes YEARS  even full-time.  and I don't have the brain for the math.  Math is such an enemy to me.  But maybe, maybe now I am mature enough to tackle such things again!

i went back when Charley was 2 and started my course load to get me what I needed to get what I wanted.  Did that for 2 years till i was accepted into the program that would finish my degree........i didn't do it.  That was even in a time before I had a computer!  CAn you believe it?  I had to do homework and papers on borrowed PC's or at the college and i had no idea how to use them.  Frig those days were hard.

supporting kid on my extremly part-time job, trying to do homework while I was a full-time mom and dad.....i just couldn't do it.  Charley was very demanding and Never Slept.  uGH!  I dropped out.

but maybe now

i don't know............just thinking.  Its a lot to ponder.  Its a lot to sacrifice.  Its a long road........

seriously

Freekin' back!

I've been sitting.  REally i have.  I've been sitting and thinking and so I got up to water the hanging basket.....what a friggin' mistake taht was!

took my meds.....they make me stoned and I still hurt.  I am seriously better off with a glass of wine!  

on the up side - I went to WAl-Mart to pick up saran wrap, BBQ sauce, and magazines.  sounds like and interesting SAturday night!  While I was there I treated myself to one more thing I can't afford - a New summer dress and Flips!  That made me feel better as I was hobbling around like one of those old people, propped up on the buggy as to ease the pain from my back from being on my feet.

Frig!  seriously.  My back hurts! even from simply walking across the parking lot!!!  My overly hot car seat was heaven to my lumbar spot when i got in at the end of my wild shopping spree.

UGH!  so Now I sit some more with my feet up.  I will soak up the sun and enjoy this forced laziness.  Maybe I'll request Mountain to gather me a bottle of wine from the store..........hmmmmmmm  sounds Good!

Blog On Dudes!

The Silver Lining

Yah.  I went.

Yah.  it sucked.

but......boss-man (which has been a big concern - he seems to think I am making all this up - thats a whole other post.....)  anyhow, after saying some stuff that I didnh't need for him to say.  He has not really asked anything about what has happend to me or what I am going thru.....anyhow...like I said another post for another day.......i have told him I don't want to stop working.....cuz I don't.  I know thats probably stupid.  But I need to work.  So he has agreed to put me on the short lunch shift.

The good part in all this is that I will be able to pick Charley up from school every day!!!  Well for a week or so anyhow.  Money is gonna be tight.  I spent the money i put aside for Charley. Fug!

Money works out Money works out Money works out

It'll be ok.  I will sit with my feet up and relax with some blogs and some computer pics.  I will have extra time in my days now - although I am limited to what I can get accomplished.  Maybe I'll write some letters to the paper.  Read ALL the trashy magazines out there.  I'll be up on all the celebrity gossip!  I will be able to have supper on the table every night for my family.  I can organize things.....my filing cabinet maybe?  haven't had time for that since I left Madisons 4 years ago.  Holy Carp!  has it been 4 years?!!  

No Lifting!  I must remember that.  I am broken!  I must remember that as well.

I could have daytime visitors......maybe.  Charley can have playdates!  how cool.

Which reminds me - Charley had a track meet today.  District wide.  She won 2nd in the hurdles and 5th in the 350 metre!!!  how awesome is that!??  I am so pleased for her and she is so tired from her busy day.

Ok.  Off I go to get my ICBC mail read and understood.

Blog On Dudes!

third Doc Opinion

I really am Hurt.  This is not in my head and I am not being weak.

sitting in the clinic waiting to be seen.....it hurt to sit.  I couldn't get comfy.  Trying to back my car up and can't turn my head - what the hell.  i could yesterday!!  Trying to read a magazine and lowering my head was out of the question, but it seems holding the book up in front of my eyes was a bad idea too!

He said too early for and kind of physio or chiropratic or xrays......i am still too swollen.  SAme thing my family doc said 2 days ago!

STOP WORKING!

I told him how its not even the pain that freaks me out.  its the lack of strength to hold my body up.  The sudden shaking and the struggle to just keep going........

i have deep tissue damage.  It takes WEEKS to heal.

Weeks!

I don't have weeks!

FUG!  I want to cry.  Its gorgeous and warm out and i can't do anything out there except sit and I can't even do that very well.  My assbone hurts!!!

it hurts to sit on the Friggin' toilet for FF's sake.  and yet to stand and walk.....i can only manage that for a few feet before a nerve twitches out!

i am so Super Pissed!

so this is pain and suffering?

I don't know what to do!

taking advantage of help

so a have soemone to cover my shift tomorrow.

so i will take it.

my back spasming?  or rather, it felt as  though I couldn't support my own wieght.  What an awful feeling.  There were a few times i thought my legs were just going to let go!  The pain in my should blades.  That hasn't been there since it happened.  How wierd.  So now I will sit and relax.   Feet in the air.  Hot bath.

Where the Hell is my kid I can't do any of that while she is off wandering..........

so after much hard thinking I decided to give my shift away for tomorrow cuz i Have to be there Friday.  So best to take what I can when I can.

Blog On

its going to a long day

so today I am at work.

i am nervous cuause of the back pelvis thing.  Lifting......on my feet for 7 1/2 hours.  I hope its busy.  I hate the money i lost be going home early last week, especially Friday and missing yesterday......

went to see my family doctor yesterday.  I still feel swollen and tight, but he ays nothing is out of place that he can tell.  He doens't want to do physio yet till more of the ick is gone.  Or prescribe it.  He's concerned that my "leg sockets" hurt.  (thats what I called them) but its my pelvis and tailbone

he's concerned about my job and what I do there.  I gonna hurt myself.  He asked if there's light duties......HAHAHAHA!!!  and all i can think about is the pop order that is coming today that I have to put away........told him about my missing period.  He is concerned.  Not worried, but concerned.  That will make for an interesting ICBC claim if it doens't ever come back!

Doc orders are to cut my hours back at work if I am able.  He originally wanted me to take a week off!  Keep active, but not too active.  He doens't want me laying on the couch!  but He doens't want my running a marathon either.  Stop the lifting for now and when i feel i need to sit  than thats what I need to do.

My conclusion - for now is to see how i make it thru today!

after all the again half-sleep i got last night.  Funny dreams about funny people.  One dream I had i was sitting an eating a meal with Mr. Big, Tall Dude and Mountain  ........ it was very awkward.  Another i had was that Leah and Tea came over.  Leah walking right passed me in ignorance....i woke up before that went any further.  Thank goodness!

so I wake tired.  Every time I woke in the night and looked at the clock not much time had passed at all.  Soemtimes only 10 minutes!!!

Blog ON!

not Car related

Mountain tried to get Tea this past weekend.  She went camping.

No.  We have not talked yet about her coming to my house.

Its a conversation or an argument I don't want to have if I dont' have to.  So I am waiting till she actually coming.  

Mountain is moslty finished the playhouse.

he put some small detail on the peak on the outside of the house.  Looks great!

then he says it would be cool to carve a "C" on one side and a "T" on the other.  I'm staring at him cuz Rachel doesn't start with a "T".......... then it dawns on me........

you've got to be Fucking kidding me!

You built this house for Charlotte and her friend!

if Tea is Ever allowed the privilege of coming to my house again, she will be allowed to play in the Clubhouse.  But it sure as Hell Ain't Hers!!!  and She sure as Hell don't get the privilege of putting any ownership to it!

FUCK THAT!!! That is Charley's clubhouse!

I am A Mess

just went to take my car in

put my signal on to turn left.  I turned it on and braked long before the turn.  I am watching the white pick-up way behind me getting closer and closer and going really fast.  He Finally see's me.  

Slams on his brakes.  I listen to the screeching tires.  I see his back-end fish tailing out behind him.  I see the vehicle behind him braking like crazy too.  The screeching in harmony now.

Again I see a white grill and steel bumper coming at me thru the rear-view mirror.  

FUCKER Your Going To Hit Me!!!!

not again!

i take my foot off the brake and pull 10/20 feet forward as he narrowly misses my car.

my body is tighter than it was.  I am reduced to tears after I make the corner and have to pull over.  I am scared.  So scared.  I phone Mntn and leave a message.  I take my car in and the guy there can see that I am visibly shaken up.  Tears on my face.  

I don't want to drive anymore.

Is there some wierd cosmic energy out there that I need to be in a horrible car wreck?  That it won't stop till it gets me?  If there is and I can't avoid it - just let it happen when Charlotte is Not with me........

I know that sounds bizaare for me to say, but 2 other times last week i was nearly broadsided.  Not as close as this morning though.

Had I not taken my foot off the brake - he would have hit me.  I'd be part of an accident scene.  I really messy one.

Each time its closer.  I hope there isn't a next one.

I have the courtesy car now.  hopefully people can see it and I don't have to drive scared anymore.

see my doctor today.  my back is tight.  My spine.  My tailbone?  how wierd is that.  My hips.  I guess its my pelvis.  I was up for a few hours in the night cuz the ache woke me.  Such an ache and I can't get comfy.  I fall asleep sitting up for a bit.  The stress of losing hours from work and how am I going to manage.......bills, mortgage, food.  Money that I have socked away for a few things - will be gone in no time.

and i go back to being scared, but for different reasons

Blog ON

a Loan is that The way?

I am not too keen on this loan thing.

I mean I am, but I'm not all at the same time.

He went for it becuase he needs a new vehicle.  We almost lost his micra this past winter.  If we have another winter like that I'm sure we will lose it.  The posibilty over this last week that we might lose my Sexy Sable......Yikes!  Mine is the good car!  Replacing it would be very costly.

I guess its the payment thing.  He just finished paying off that other huge loan last november.  Now to get another one........

and the vehicle he is looking at I am not totally thinking its the best idea ever.  Its not horrible, but its not great.  Its an older truck.  Something we've found we need over the last couple years here.  A truck.  We are bringing home and so many things.......wood........furniture.........and every time we have to scrounge to get help.  It sucks and we missed out on some free wood becasue of it!  Its an old enough vehicle that he will be able to do the maintenance himself.  Also a plus.  However, i have a hard time justifying paying out that much money for an something so old.......we will need to talk about it some more.  Hopefully its sold.

the other thing with this loan that will happen is - A RING FOR ME!!!!!

i am really excited about that part.  I am thinking though that he's put a little too much money aside out of this loan for it.  I am not that greedy.  He says, which i knew he would, if this ring is a reflection of him - its gonna be quality and its gonna be nice!  He says nothing is too good for his wife!  hehe - his wife  :)

however, i think he could do quality and nice in cash payments and I would help.....

in the end i am not liking this money deal cuz of how it will effect us for buying a house.  Apparently when he did the deal he spoke to his loaning agent about that.  and because he has money in RRSP's thats supposed to make it work out better or work or somehting.  I don't know.  I don't see how that can make it better.

So much for Cash or Bust.  I guess i'm the only one following the rules.

Thats fine.  I will keep following the rules.  What is meant to be will happen

Blog On  

my car only has a thousand dollars damage!!!  Whew!  I am soo very happy.

I am still soar though and that sucks.  left work a half hour early today.  it hurts to drive my car.  I have to drive with my head leaning back on the head rest cuz it hurts  to accelerate.  Who knew I moved my neck and head so much?

i get twinges of pain while serving.  My lower back feels un-nice.  But My car is still my car!  YaY!!!  She will get her bum replaced at the hospital on Tuesday.

Mntn had news taht he was at the bank today applying for financing!    YaY!!!!

so excting

ACK

I am nervous about the outcome of 2 things

number 0ne - the election.  If the NDP get in we no longer open at 10AM and close at 10PM.  

number two - my car.  I am sick thinking about the fact that its a 96 and could very well be written off with this accident.  

I can't afford to lose 40 hours a month.

I can't afford a new car.

but I've been craving Schnitzel for days!  So I'm makin' some for dinner!  Thats my silver lining.

good Luck everyone.  Blog On!

rear end

I got hit a block from work this morning.

from behind.  He hit me solid.  I am a little achy.  Gonna go get in the bath.

Blog On

Mother's Day 2009

All i asked for was - keep my kitchen clean and a hanging basket

I Got Them Both!!!

then a foot soak after a LOOONG weekend on my feet at work with the person that made me a mom.  This is a great day!

off i go to enjoy a glass of wine and observe my man at work building the house.  This is Such a Great day!  I Love It!!

Blog On!

Torn

I am so torn about this election

on the one hand the NDP wants to raise minimum wage.  That will hurt small business.  My hours alone will be cut by 5( correction - 9 ) a week!  I shudder to think what that will do to prices of things and how many other places will just go out of business.

on the other hand the Liberals want to bring in All-Day Kindergarten.  Something I think is utterly ridiculous.  Our little ones being required, at 4 and 5 years old to sit in school!  They are in school their whole lives as it is.  They want to institutionalize children further in an institution that is already letting our children down!  When do kids get to be kids now?  and they want to jail them further?  Children need to be kids and they need to run and play, to take that from them at such a young age.......

UGH!  I don't know who to vote for

Madonna

Ok.  What is going on in my brain?

Again I have a dream about Madonna.

we are hangin' together.  What the Hell does that mean?!!!

ARGH my mother

why I tell her anything ?

told her about the playhouse and how excited Charlotte is.  She just..........

Ok.  I was brought up being told all the things i can't do without ever being given a solution.

"Isn't she a bit old for a playhouse?"

no, not one that is made for big kids.  With a door she can actually fit thru!  She is not too old for a clubhouse!

I had a playhouse that my dad built when i was a kid.  He moved it piece by piece when we moved out of Richmond and put it back together.  It was great - for awhile.  But i was never allowed to do anything to it.  I wanted to put clothes up to make a door or a window.  Nope.  i drew on the wall once and got holy shit for it.  

It was one of those ones that as i grew........i outgrew.  by the time i was 10 I couldn't stand up straight in it let alone not have to duck to get thru the door.  So I stopped going in it.  So thats what  my mom thinks and remembers.

however, this playhouse is different.  Not only is it Much taller, she will be allowed to paint the inside however she wants.  She will be allowed to move her little chairs and tables in there.  One wall will be a chalkboard.  It will have shutters over the windows.  and Now I have a customer at work willing to come and put electricity in it!  So she can have an actual working lite and plug!

I hate how she makes me feel I need to explain myself.  Explain the money I spent.  Explain..........

FUDGE!

how about - I didn't buy a brand new car, off the lot, like my brother with my line of credit!  how about I don't  drive down to the coast in it once a month.  How about I don't have credit debt up the ying yang like my sister and now creating more by trying to get pregnant.  How about the 10grand she intends to spend to get a baby.  All that is all good - but me spending 400bux that I had saved up.  Cash.  Not only is it going into my home and making my home worth more, but its hopefully going to keep my kid from running the street by giving her a place to "hang-out"!  How about the great part where hopefully this stops me from having to come to my mother in 7 years to borrow money for bail!  i don't go on lavish vacations.  Frig!  Mntn and I are trying to buy a ring so we can get this show on the road and are having struggling cuz we want to pay CasH!

We Want This to be a NO CREDIT Houshold as much as Possible!

Credit is for emergencies.  Thats our thing.  Cash or Bust Baby!

Yet I still feel like i have to explain myself.

Bad?  no I don't feel bad or guilty for doing this for Charles.  Not in the least.  I'm actaully very pleased with myself that I had the money saved and could do it on such short notice.  i mean, not to say that that money wasn't for somehitng else, but still.  I could do it.  Now I just need to keep saving for the thing it was actually meant for some more.  Just keep sockign it away!  

I jsut shouldn't have to justify it to my mom and I HATE that she can get to me like that.  IRG!  I work really hard and save my money and............

then the topper was C telling me a story that happened at school and.........well to make a long story short.  She has No pride in her home.  

my feelings were literally crushed.  I love my little house!  Its beautiful i think.  and she ......... 

I even own this place!  all by myself!  I pay for everything.  ALL BY MYSELF!

my feelings got hurt.  not that she said anything horrible, just how she said it.

I am hurt.  My period must be coming cuz I am over the top emotional about this and it shouldn't be that big of a deal.

Blog ON!

These DAyz

Well as you can see Spa Night was a great success!

the girls and I had the best time.  I fed them veggie lasagna and SAlad.  They had fruit and veg to munch on all night.  

I put out crackers and spinach dip and Cheese ball.  They hated the fancy mineral water so we switched to sprite.  They drank out of martini glasses with icecubes that had limes frozen inside them!  I taught them how to wash their faces and put cream on.  Careful to use the right finger as to not promote wrinkles and always wash up.  

i tipped their nails and massaged their hands with oil.  Then the movie was over and we had a huge Dance Party!  I taught them the Macarana!  What a hoot.  The queen requested Madonna.  I played my stereo as loud as it would got before distorting!

Mntn sat quietly at the kitchen table reading.  In the morning we had to wake super early cuz one of the girls had to be picked up by 9:30!  

it was tough.  We were tired.  

So I made Chamomile tea and cut up fruit for them for breakfast.  After the fruit they were still hungry so i made pancakes.  Then we did half assed pedi's before they left at 11.  Then I went and layed down and Charley went in her room for quiet time.

Mntn got out all his tools and started measuring, sawing and banging.  He spent all day out there taking advantage of the rain that never happened.  The result - the playhouse frame is Done!

So the next step this weekend, is to empty out the existing shed, move it over and place the playhouse where the shed was.  I work ALL weekend so it will all be taking place without me.  but once its moved he can start siding it!  Yay!  Charley is beside herself excited!  and so am i.  What a wonderful man I have found.

i love  him sooo much.

lots of discussion as of late about when we get married.  *giggle*

Well off I go to wake up The Queen.  Seems she is sleeping in.

Blog On!

sometimes time gets under my skin

erken spkeckin irg jibble meck.

now if you can break the code I'll tell you the rest

Spa Party Planning

So the night is drawing close.

I am having so much fun planning this party for Charlotte!

i have stuff for them to pedi out with.

Manicures.  Just gotta get the yogurt for the facials.  How fun.

I am planning food.

picked up fancy sparkling water and limes.  I think I will toss together a veggie lasagna for dinner!

i also plan to get the girls to do hand-prints when they first get here for mothers day.  I am using Steph's canvas idea.  It'll be great!  I am having such a fun time planning this party.

I have strawberries and melons and veggies and fancy toothpicks!  such Fun.

hehe

Blog On!

Ex's irritate me

and it irritates me that I am irritated.

Not to the point where I am thinking constantly or obsessed, but just even that wee emotional tug and then its gone pisses me off!

Ever feel like that?  

Wood

so wood and doing it from scratch turns out to be more expensive than he thought.

ANYBODY GOT WOOD TO GET RID OF?

Playhouse

Mountain spent the weekend drafting up plans for the playhouse he is going to build for Charley.  What a wonderful man he is!  

Yowzers!

lesson learned.

don't mess with blog template anymore.

I am back.  but not knowing what other damage i have done

blog On!

Garden

I NEED to Garden!

Mountain took the fence down on the weekend cuz the spring cleaning bins were here.  So i am currently VERY exposed.

The new fence will be awhile.  Maybe even till the end of summer.

I want new planters. Real planters in my yard where I set up hokey ones last year.  but that is going to take time too.

sigh - but what I can do is take my existing real planters and some other ones and make up something that will work in other places!  I think anyhow.  

I have the bug.  I MUST get out into the yard and plant.

Its making me nuts.

so I think I have devised some plans that I can carry out on my own without having to rely on major funds or help from the man.

so Off I go tomorrow.  YaY!  I love to plant and dig and get my hands dirty!

PLAYHOUSE

I have signed up to freecycle.org in the hopes that some free wood or a playhouse will pop up.  I've put the  word out to some of my customers.  I have checked craigslist and will continue to do so.  The buck passer is out this weekend.  Searching, searching for a playhouse or materials to build one.

SPA NIGHT

Next weekend I am planning a Spa night for Charley and 3 of her friends.

we will give facials, pedicures, and manicures.  Eat cucumber sandwiches cubed fruit on toothpicks and drink sparkling water with limes in ice-cubes!  She is so excited.  I think I am too!

but in the end.  I have to get at least one basket full of stuffers cause I am going nuts without the planting.  I wanted a big square planter in the back so that I could do a wee veggie garden too.  Potato's.  Squash..........but that, i am sad to say looks like a dream.

Blog On! 

Re-cycling

i am sad to not be able to go to the Jewels Pampered Party on Friday.  I was looking forward to seeing her and seeing her home!

On the bright side, I've just saved 100bux!

That new fence and shed are getting closer by the day!

we figure, if we can get a new shed, then we will keep the original plan of painting  and patching the old leaky tin shed.  Then  That can be Charley's playhouse!  Its not glamorous, but its got a roof and they can go in it and have sleepovers and have their chairs and do kid stuff.  

There is currently a 50% off shed plans and materials.  and we do need more bigger storage.  So.....instead of ripping out the ugly falling apart tin one........we will recycle it!!!

So the 100 I would have spent on a beautiful stone pie plate for my mom and the gas to get there.........will go towards my home.

Now there's a good deal!

Blog On!

after excited research in the sale flyers...........

its a "scratch and save"  sale.

So that means you go, find what you want, and then when you get to the till you get to scratch and MAYBE.  If you are lucky.  (something I am not) get 50% off!  Well Fudge.

We can fersure not afford 800bux for a new shed!

so i guess we are back to original plan of new fence this year.  Patch and paint old tin shed, new shed next year.  And keep on the look out for wood or a used playhouse.

*sigh*

I am still happy I saved the 100bux though

Charlotte is in need of a playhouse.

we can't fit a swingset or climbing anything in, but a  playhouse we could.

She and her friends are starting the beginnings of getting into trouble cuase they have no place to get away from it all when they are outside playing.  They have exhausted the big open field option.  Riding their bikes around and around the same space is only fun for only so long.  They built a secret fort in a place they shouldn't have and have now been tossed out by the owner of the fort materials.  (hedge)  Chalking isn't what it was cracked up to be when she was 4.  I don't like them playing in the pond so much.   If they would only just sit with their feet in Arg.

  I have a bored kid on my hands.  Bored with outside kid.  This is not good.  This makes for get into no good kid.  So Mntn and I talked about it.  He is going to do what he can to make some kind of playhouse or fort out back.  Big enough for them to lie down in.  A place they can go and get up to no good, but still be safe.  You know?  We will know where they are.  They can have sleep overs.  They can paint the walls inside.  They can have secret girl chats.  Make plans.  Have a place to hang out....

So now the quest for Free Wood comes into play.  I hope we can find some.  Have you got any?

Blog On

Is honesty the best policy?

what can we be honest about?

do you pick your nose?

do you  beat Off?

did you just  fart?!

are you..........

Balls

So I asked him.

I asked him why is it that Tea is suddenly allowed to be in my presence again.  He said he figures Leah has lightened up and its back to normal.  That meaning, Tea is allowed here but she can't spend the night.  (so fucked up)

I asked him why her change of heart.  I havn'et changed.  She said I was a crazy pyscho bitch.  I still am.  She said she figured I don't like her kid.  So if she figured all that then what has changed that she suddenly says its ok?  He doens't seem to know.  I told him he better figure it out, cuz as it looks from here is that Leah needs all her weekends back.  Not just every second one, or that gramma needs her weekends back.

but after thinking about this for the last couple days this is what I have come up with..........

NO.  Tea is not allowed to come here.  She is used as a pawn by her mother.   She makes everyone, including herself, uncomfortable in MY home.   I find the whole thing creepy and unhealthy and I don't want to be associated with it or enable Leah's bad parenting choices.  and What happens when Leah decides she wants soemthing?  She will use the kid as a power play as she has so many times in the past.   Suddenly deciding, for instance, once again that Tea is not allowed here anymore.  Then all of us are left hurt and then I am angry.

Forget it.  I am not getting on That emotional roller-coaster again!

I don't have control(control being the wrong word, but for lack of a better description at the moment) over who Mntn chooses as friends or who he chooses to "hang out" with.  Even though some of his choices are incredibly disrespectful to my feelings, you can't make someone "get it"  if they jsut don't.  But, I can control what comes and goes in my home and how it affects my family.

none of this is good for anybody.  Tea included.

Any connection with this woman is upsetting to me.  She is an unhealthy individual and i can't stand being a part or knwoing about the choices she makes in her life.  

Any connection I can delete is the best choice for this family.

Nobody bothered to ask ME if it was okay that Teaghan comes here and spends the day.  Nobody asked Charlotte if she has any plans and would like to play with Tea this weekend.

and guess what?

its not

so I have tossed the Ball up and into his court to get to the bottom of this change of heart.  I am sure he isn't and thinks this is all just fine.

The Ball is in his court, lets see what he does with it.  and then i will tell him the rest of my thoughts on the matter

Blog On

YaY!

a New BBQ!!

I am so excited!   Can't wait to put it together and use it SAturday!

Teaghan - GRRRRRR

What a miracle!

she is allowed at my house!

What The Frick Ever - not without an explanation She sure the Hell Ain't

&$#@#!!!!

18

i am trying hard not to think about when The Queen turns 18

Short Tuesday

I must say I am very glad that it is Tuesday.

I am exhausted.  I barely made it thru yesterday and today I can already tell i am most tired.  I am glad for the short work week too.

Today I will visit the middle school Charley will hopefully be going to.  As long as they accept my cross boundary forms.  Jeepers.  It hadn't crossed my mind till just now, what if they don't?!  That will suck cuz I havne't looked into any other schools.   Hmmm.

WE bought hats yesterday.  How fun.  We spent a couple hours in Fort Langley wandering around.  We will go back on the weekend.  I want to look for a mirror and visit Grandad.  It'll be a year on th 26th that Nana has been gone.  Thats wierd.  Auntie brought me a couple birthday cards that she found in Nana's stuff.  Already written out for Charley and I.  Made my eyes tear up.  She was so over the top prepared in advance.  At least  7 mnths!

Yah I'm glad its tuesday

Dinner

How awesome!

i had family here for dinner last night.  I cooked for 10.  Frig my living room is full when 10 people are in it.

My Aunt and Uncle had not been here yet and it was with Great pride i showed off my home and watched as they made themselves comfortable.

I LOVE being the Hostess!

I showed them the things that Mntn has made.  The cabinet and the back deck.  My aunt loving my kitchen and my mom loving that I use her Mom's silver.  Mom admiring my table that I set.  I wishing I had taken a pic of it!  DAmn.  She did so hopefully she sends me a pic.

I, not beveraging so much these days and realizing - yikes I need to switch to water.  I'm a bit tipsy!  The Queen showing her abilities on the piano for the family to hear.

it was all just so warm and wonderful!  Mntn lending a hand with cleaning up, and the stolen kiss in the kitchen when we thought no one was looking.

I Loved yesterday!

Good Friday

Charlotte asking why this is a holiday?

I explaining the death of Jesus and thats why this is a holiday............

I can't remember all the details of the Bible as I haven't read it in soo long.  We will read  it together..........

thinking - Society has given up on God in schools.  They don't teach it anymore.  they don't tell it anymore.  Society has given up on the respect of it anymore......

Yet, when its a holiday, they are the first to take it off

My Oven is Only So Big!!!

it only fits the Turkey!

WHAT THE HELL!!

Sisters

Easter

D'Wabbitt is coming this weekend.  I am not sure I am ready.

I am cooking dinner for 10 people in my tiny home.  Thats not so much a big deal,  however, one of the 10 is a vegetarian.  

I have to have lots of different veggie dishes.  

this Sucks

Taxs

I just did my taxes using netfile and I still don't know if I entered Charlottes Sound of Music lessons in the right spot.

Help

I am Guilty

Assume - 

Assuming can make an Ass out of U and ME.

I have been guilty of it on a number of occasions.  Most of the time I catch myself.  Sometimes I dont'.

Last night I was on the receiving end of an ASS.

Not one of my most intellectual shining moments as I channeled Mntn and the 'fuck you' casually lept out from between my lips......

it wasn't the part where she went on about bad service.  I know better than anyone that bad service sucks.  what first caught my ear was how she doens't tip.  EVER.  Even that I could skim over, as she explained that she got bad service so why should she leave anything?  Thats right.  You shouldn't.  I don't even disagree with that.  It was the part where I heard her repeat herself a few times on the 'uneducated waitresses'  That sent my emotions thru the roof.

you don't have a Fucking Clue you funny looking ugly bitch!

I have known and still know Servers, that are not only very good at serving, but are highly  or even just slightly educated in Post Secondary Education.  Whether serving being a pit stop in their career choice or what they do.  These handful of ladies are amazing Servers!  

I am not highly educated, but I have been to college and actually graduated!  

I even went back to college when Charley was a toddler, to put what I graduated from further, into a degree.  Only to decide.........I like working in the Service Industry.

Now that Charles is older,  I've even toyed with going back.  Finally finish, or start on a New degree!

So as I was on the other end of a  an Ass-u-me - it was a good reminder to me as I have been guilty of such things. 

it was good to be pulled back for a moment.  I was insulted, albeit for a brief moment, it still happened, and I will use it and remember.

You never know who you are breaking bread with

Blog On Dudes! 

Charlotte Won an Award!!

from the Abbey Eye Doctors.

How wonderful!!!

planners

planners were a great idea when they first started years ago

Just becasue I don't sign it Charlotte has to do lines.  

I explained that I always see the planner, but if I don't sign its beacuse I don't have a pen or I am busy doing dishes or dinner or cleaning up or yelling at kid to do her homework or have her bath or go to bed or.........

he worte back and explained his reasons.  

so I went thru her planner and signed every page till the end of the school year

am I a petty bitch or what?

Actually, I kinda thought it was clever and thinking outside the box.  But I can definantly see how that is going to be a very defiant smart-ass move on my part

Blog On!

FUdgeK

I JUST GOT A SPEEDING TICKET!!!

No Secret

Its no secret that I am waiting for Mntn to get down on one knee and ask me that all important question.  "is this the ring?"  LOL!!!

now seriously.  I am not that picky.  It just has to look good on my hand and let other men and women know I am Taken, Back off!  anyhow, he, is taking pride in what he puts on my hand cuz its a reflection of the kind of man he is when he is not with me.  He's feeling the Judge.  Whatever, thats his thing.  So he is getting himself in a position to get himself into another position to purchase and shop for said ring.  Now the shopping part we have not discussed.  well I shouldn't say "not discussed"  we have done that.  Magazines and flyers.  We just havne't done it in person.   He feels pressured and then he gets agitated, angry as he would really like to be in a financial position to do such things right NOW.He would like that when we do the 'in person' and the 'try this one on' that if we fine "the One"  he would be in a postion to actually Get It.  You know what I mean?  Anyhow, he/we will get there.  in the meantime...........turns out my parents are no dummies.

my mom has brought up weddings with me.  I have told her we wo't be having one.

WHAT!  but you have to.

no i don't.  I don't have to.  I can't justify spending ridiculous amounts of money that i have to scrounge for on a party - wedding.  We are having a hard time doing the first part which is the ring for Ff's sake!  I would rather visit the JP and keep my money and keep paying my mortgage.  or be saving for another down payment on a house with a yard and stuff.

We will pay for it.

Huh?  Now that is super swell.  but if they are going to fork out a few grand for a wedding for me - mntn and i would be responsible for what we wear - I'd still rather they just give me the 5 or whatever grand and we will put it on the mortgage.

maybe they will do both!  :)

she has said this more than once over the last 3 months.  Your FAther and I have talked about it and we think its important that you and (mntn) have a wedding.  you are our last one.  this is a real celebration for YOU to get married.

this of course being true.  Coming up 40 and...........

so my htoughts have been bouncing towards a wedding.  A party?  a Ceremony?  Gifts?  no.  No gifts.  We have everything. 

 a gift money basket!  of gift cards to Home depot, Canadian tire or Wal-Mart!  Thats what we would do.  I have everything.  but some of my everything needs to be replaced and cash towrads the house is never a bad thing.  Get some mortgage looked after.  Is that selfish or rude to ask for at my wedding?

would I have people for a ceremony or just to come party?

do I serve dinner or just appy's?  There would have to be a midnight buffet!

it would definantly be at my parents.  I am NOt wearing a white dress!

It turns out, after i let my mind think about having a "wedding"  I have a lot of it planned in my head already.  I didnt realize it!  I better remember to remember Mntn will have some ideas too.

I will invite everyone!  As this will truly be a reason to celebrate!  Kristi finally got some poor sap to marry her.  Oh Yes!  Everyone must be there to Celebrate!

Carp.  I don't think mom and dad realized what they were getting in to.

Blog On

Tired Tuesday!

holy moly am i ever tired today!

allergies this AM and now.......i could curl up and gladly not get up till tomorrow.  Or at least i know I would enjoy a wee cat nap.

oh well.  Motherhood calls.  so nap for me.  Off I go to continue on with my second job on my short paid work day.  

She better go to bed on time tonight or i may need to smother her with a pillow.

Blog On!

Ghosts

Wow.  this is so much harder than I ever anticipated.  I miss him every moment I am here.  I keep hearing him calling me.  I'm sure now it must be my mind playing with me.  Although that first night I'm sure it wasn't.  but every time I hear him I go cold and the colour rushes from my face.  Mntn has been here, staying the night with me every night since.  I was up in the night looking for Ball.  Why?  I'm not sure.  Than I remembered..........I keep seeing him out the corner of my eye.  Life without him, its like losing a child.

my brother called yesterday to say how sad he was for me.  I cried and cried.  Some people understand.  Some people get it.  He wasn't "just a cat"  He was my best friend, my confidant, my kid.  We needed each other and loved each other.  He was by my side always.  It was only the two of us for a lot of years and there were times I couldn't have done it without him.  He knows all my secrets.

i can't beleive how many tears I have for him.  

He deserves my grief.  Charley misses him Mntn misses him.

Its weird to go into the bathroom and he is not in there sitting on the counter.  Sleeping without him laying over my left arm is hard too.  I didn't sleep with my teddy there last night, maybe thats why i suddenly got up to search for him in a half dozed state.  I'll have to keep sleeping with my bear to avoid that.

Will we get another cat?  yah.  eventually.  But out of respect for Ball it will be a while.  I need to grieve him.  Remember him.  Let him go, so that I can accept a new little personality into this house without piling all my sad/missing emotions on to a new member of the family.  Charley needs to have her grieving time too.  She's known him her whole life.  He would watch her very carefully when she was a baby.  And as she grew up he figured out that she pats him pretty good.  Mntn snuggling with him.  I would find the two of them laying on the bed together.  My men.  Ball loved it when he would stay in bed and I got up.  He'd gladly stay to be a lazy ass with mntn.  Ball had his routine and place with all of us.  We need to let that go so we can allow another to build their own routine around ours as they learn to live with us.  So time.  In time we will get a kitty.  

Charley wants to save a kitty from the SPCA.  So we will.  Mntn and I want a Siamese. So we will.  In what order I don't know.  When?  I'll know when we are ready.  It'll be when the tears don't flow so freely and the expected spots of Beedledom fade.  Its ok to have a hole.  The hole will fill on its own.  Than we will know.

For now........i have A LOT of memories to fill my mind.  So I will.  and I will enjoy them!

Blog On!

Mr. Ball

so many tears

swolen eyes all around.  The Queen.  Mountain.  Myself......

Thank You Steph - I Love You!