how about my Fat?

yeah - i got fat.

I am uncomfortable most of the time. in my mid-section. Feels like when i was hugely pregnant and wasn't sitting up straight and baby was waay up in my lungs and neck and......just uncomfortable. A couple months ago - it wasn't too bad when I was going to physio 3 times a week and working out at home......but now. I guess my work outs aren't intense enough at home......

i think back to 3 years ago when I was still under 130lbs. Those pink pills that made me sooo relaxed all the time. So relaxed in fact that I developed this insane love for the taste of food that I'd never had before! then as my anxiety, my natural fat burner was extinguished out of my body, i started to put on the weight.

Add to that, falling in love and you've got yourself an evil cocktail of wieght gain! At least for me it was. but that wasn't the only thing, being as stoned as I was all the time, i had stopped worrying so much about my house. My yard ect. I wasn't racing around, ALWAYS busy doing something in my house. Cleaning something. Folding soemthing. I wasn't under this nutty deadline that I'd created for myself, of all the things that had to get done and when. A little too relaxed - Christmas decorations up till mid-january? yah a little tooooo relaxed.

All of a sudden I had someone to cook for. I mean, really cook for. I started going crazy with the cooking!

Did i notice the weight gain? yah, but i just wasn't freaky about it like I normally would have been. I didn't freak when I saw the scale needle hit 130 and go work-out for the next week for 2 hours a day till it was gone and starve myself with popcorn and green tea. I just kinda thought, huh, i'll lose it. Besides hormone changes i am sure were helping the fat. Those Pink pills - they really took care of my anxiety. I begged my doctor to give me the green light to go off them. When he did - i went off! cold Turkey. WoW! I can honestly say drug withdrawal is a Bitch. When I went off them in June of 2007 i was 145lbs.

yup. I wasn't even that heavy after having Charlotte. When I bought this house i moved in wearing my overalls. I wore dresses and skirts all summer. I mananged to get down and have been bouncing around 140 for quite sometime. I tried finding the time to walk, to work out to be more physical......but getting home at 6 every night and hell in the mornings just wasn't making finding time an easy thing.

i joined Curves. That was short lived. Although I loved it. Time and sitters were not on my side.

Besides I had learned that life is short and stopping to smell the flowers is really important. Sitting and taking it easy is not a disease. Its not a horrible thing that the pink pills left behind. That was a good scar from that time in my life, but a scar that had to be managed. Leaving the dishes till the morning won't cause me to melt. Leaving them all day will.

Just in the beginning of this year I had started being able to get into a routine that got me excercising again. I was able to go for a walk without worrying about Charlotte. (she is old enough to leave alone for 20min now) I was really watching my food intake and what the Heck I was eating! I had started to get down, down under 140. Down, down bouncing up and down at 135!!!

then the car accident - i wasn't solid enough at 135. Those fat cells had a party and invited all their old friends back!

Finally i had time!!! this is why i say - be areful what you wish for - but I'd been in a car accident. I couldn't be physical - it started creeping up again. Physio started. YaY!! i got stronger and I worked hard back down to 135 i went and was really starting to feel good that maybe, just maybe i might be able to get another 5 off and that would have satisfied me. not totally where I was, but thats ok. As long as I could fit back into my clothes......

Well physio is gone......and up, up, up i go. I hate it - i have managed over the last 2 weeks to get it down slightly. Then my birthday - wine, food and cake. Evil!! I am trying to work out and sweat when I can. Thats the key you know? the sweating, the heart-rate. My anxiety is around, but nothing like it was before I took the pink pills. So my bodies natural fat fighter is on the blink. or I've been "healed" so to speak. I have been bouncing in and out of really down times, depression, since my accident, so thats not helping either. My hormones! YiKeS! them Bitches are really not on the side of sexy thin woman. Bitches!

So what am I going to do about it?

Well I'm talking about it first of all. cuz its pissing me off! and usually when you talk aobut the elephant in the room.........I am going to continue watching more closely all the stuff I put into my mouth and i am going to do my best to do as much cardio as I can to get my heart rate up.

I don't always mind how I look these days. I mean at 135 I almost could accept my body. but i just feel so darn uncomfortable. like a stuffed pig. BLECK! I have a double chin and something that resembles cellulite on my tummy! it doesn't help that I've been working on "my core" and its getting strong, so all the fat over top of it is starting to hang. UGH! disgusting. Hang, but not go anywhere cuz I am not sweating. FuDGE!

My legs, my ass, staying relatively the same. but My mid-section. Something I have always been proud of.......thats wear my middle age is showing. As I have read, thats exactly what its supposed to do. Thats where it all happens. I have been looking at women everywhere I go. Older women. they all seem to have it. All around the middle.

So i bought myself soemthing along the same line as Spanx - but from WAl-Mart(13bux) a couple weeks ago. I love it! and what a bonus when it helps keep my muscles together an helps with the pain!!! I'm going to go back and get the one for my middle too! I try to dress so that i hide, but still maintain looking thin. Sometimes it works........

so there you go. Another thing thats been obsessing in my mind. Along with friendships and changes and what to do about work........

I'll jsut get it all out. I'm 40 now. I'm vulnerable

Blog On

Ahhhh Friendships

Truly what's carried me through a lot of tough times - friends

it got tough after I had Charlotte to maintain some of my friendships. Even tougher when I quit drinking. Its amazing really.

but I still have some tried and true ladies in my life that I am always will be eternally grateful for.

i've learned taht sometimes even when I ask for help there is none to be given and that means Its a time I have to carry it alone. Then there are times when I have so many hands reaching back its crazy! Its all made me stronger and very appreciative.

~to be continued~

kid wants to use the MAC................

On My Mind

Well, as i mentioned earlier I have so many thoughts rolling around in my head.

Having a Birthday sure makes you think about stuff.

I've thought about things I've learned in the lat 20 years. Experiences I've had. Life that has happened to me and I to it. WoW! I haven't necessarily accomplished what I had hope to, but for the struggles I have had because of choices I've made.....I think I've done damn good!

how many woman can spend most of their adult life ...... single ...... doing a Job that they LOVE. Even though it didn't net me a lot of money, I managed to make it work. Raise a daughter, alone. Manage a home, alone. and Buy a house, alone. Those are some great accomplishments! Now I have a partner and I can't believe I Ever did it, alone!

I think about the boyfriends I have had. The time spent with them trying to make it work. Trying to have what I saw other people having. Trying to be loved. The heartbreak, over and over and over again when it Never worked out. Things that I've learned.......about myself. About people.......

so Grateful that I have him. and He truly, truly loves me.

Its sad to think I went for 20 years without truly being loved by a man. Feeling what its like to have someone just accept. Going for years being used, abused and tossed aside. Rejected, but I did, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Its a very lonely time. I can only think of one person that has been there off the top of my head. My friend. he is male and he's been there. I tell you, you don't want to be. being alone and lonely is horrible. Makes you do some crazy things. Sometimes compromising who you are and what you believe in.

Now onto my recovery -

Its been 3 wks tomorrow since I ended in tears on my kitchen floor from pain from standing. I am hoping that was the last relapse. So far its been about every 3-4 wks that I have one. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I slept like shit last night. Back to my back HURTING while I sleep. My hip tender today. I have been working at my exercises. I am getting so much better. There are things I have troubles doing. Like sitting on the floor. That's not usually a good idea. I used the wall at my party to help while I squatted to talk to children. Bending over and over again is not always a good idea either. but at least I can do it now! I sit with moderate pain constantly. I went out and splurged last week. a Whole 13 dollars! bought myself these girdley pants that hold everything in. Whatta ya know it helps keep my ass from hurting! Neat.

So I have lots to think about now that I might actually be getting better enough to go back to my old job.

Do I want to go back? Yah, I do. To that place? well I dunno. To a new restaurant. sure! but I am scared, cuz now I am damaged. What if I go and suddenly something happens and can't do the job. I am now one of those people that can say, "i have a bad back. Sorry I can't lift that" there is not really any place for wimps in the serving industry.

I've turned into a girl - BLECK!

i have been putting my resume out for reception jobs, but have yet to be called for one. i don't have any experience and what If I suck at that too!

I have talked to EI about re-training. I don't qualify until my disability runs out. That's not till January. So what I live off the system till January? That's not really my style.

Do I try to return part-time and see if I can do it? If I can't ..... go back on disability and then try to get re-trained in the new year? or Do i just keep sending my resume out till something comes up? What if I can't go on disablity again?

I am scared. I am scared of that pain again. I am terrified when I feel the k-nick in my hip ..... is that going to lead to a day down or will I be ok. so I sit. As soon as that happens, I sit. Well I can't very well do that at a job now can i? then what? i keep going and then Yeah - I end up down for a day or two or.......I don't want to screw over a new job! and I guess as long as I still have the k-nick and the fear I need to still just sit here.

I don't know.

Sometimes I have such great days! I mean I made it thru my birthday and Charley's with stretchy pain in my hip, but I managed. I ached while I did the girls make - up. That hurt. but I managed. It was only 1 moment in 1 day.

The next day, my party - I was 3 sheets to the wind. I hurt when I poured that first glass of wine, and was reminded of the ache a few times during the evening. But I like to appear fine in front of people. I've learned how to stand, how to keep my back straight, how to sit so I appear ok. However, if I can feel pain while drinking its probably hurting like it is today only I don't feel it.

Today isn't....... I went to Wal-Mart this morning and walked with a buggy for an hour. I was pretty glad to sit in my car......so maybe......I don't know. I just feel like such a loser. I can walk in my house, but I have difficulty's walking in a store? Its so stupid. And I am just getting fatter and fatter. UGH! Like the first couple times i squatted to talk to the kids I managed, but after about the third time, I knew i shouldn't be doing it anymore.

The other thing is that this is The prime-time of year to get hired on somewhere! I don't want to miss out on an opportunity. Then I ask my self the question of what opportunity? Why shouldn't I use the system? enjoy having a Christmas season off and continue being a mom, and then get re-trained for something better in the winter. I mean logic would dictate that I now have a bad back. Really what is my time limit for being a server? if I do manage and do the job, who's to say that in a year from now I am right back to where I am? Only missing the other opportunity of the chance to get re-trained? and then i also ask myself, what do i even want to do other than serve?

*my voice is getting high and squeaky in my head now*

too many questions. Too much pride. So much fear.

What would you do?

Then I am worried about how this will all look in the long run to ICBC. I hate that i even think about them. Whatever. Its not about them. Its about me and my well being. But I can't help it.

i am not "holding out" because i am claim building. I am not "holding out" so i can get more money. I just want to be able to work and provide for my family! I want to be able to work part-time and be a wife and mom the rest of the time. Do I think about my "claim" damn rights I do! I am terrified of that too! I hate how I must appear to those around me. I have people telling me I 'can't" I have other people telling me I am working the system. I have my own work ethic eating away at me.

but isn't that what got my into this to begin with? my work ethic? Never say quit! Never say never! and Defiantly never say Can't!

i don't know what to do. I need advice I need my head to be quiet I need............help

help Me.........help me sort my thoughts...........HELP!

and that's just a brief look at what's been going on inside my head for the last - month

What to Post.......

I do have so much in my brain that I am thinking about.

What do I share? What do i post?

Some? All? What direction do I go in? What have i learned in 40+ years. Yah thats somehting. Technically, I have entered into my 41st year! how much does that suck? I mean I know I am 40 - so they say - but really I have finished living my 40th year and I am into my 41st. BPLHT!!! Wish I hadn't had that epiphany.

Ok I gotta go get kid motivated i will think of what to share and get back to you......

i am Forty!

Todays Experiment

.............EDIT...............

holy carp i have a job interview! in an hour!!!

H1N1

i am just curious on the obvious - how is it that they (the doctors) can say this shot is safe for an unborn baby and encourages moms to do it, yet refuse to encourage having a rye or two or take a benydryl or perhaps a little heroin while the uterus is full of fetus?

Swimming?

ok

once again my bag is packed with swimming gear for Charles and I. I sure hope she has her homework done so we can go right after school and check out this pool thing.

Arm Cardio!

who knew?! I'm actually glowing.

WORK IT! WORK IT!

sclerosis of the vertebrae

a Party

I am throwing myself a party.

I've been sitting here moping about for a couple days.

my birthday is looming and I am not in the way I had hoped to be by this time of the year. I keep gaining weight. I have NO money and no job to bring money in. I have been looking for sit-down work but no one has called me yet. I wanted a shiny on my finger. My dishwasher is busted. So is my toaster and i need a mix-master and shelves. Shelves we need in the house like crazy so that Mountain can move in and have somewhre to put his stuff. My pains come and go without any warning. I.......

anyhow, I've been feeling down and writing about it is makin' it worse. So i will stop cause feeling down is also not going to make it better. Which is why I decided to throw a party for myself for my birthday!

Originally, like 8 months ago. I had planned to have a party! a big bash. I was thinking a costume party i was thinking all kinds of things. I was saving money and losing wieght and getting my excercising together to look amazing for a 40 year old woman. I was saving so I'd having money in the bank and.......Well, whatever. It hasn't worked out the way I had hoped. But I'm gonna have a party anyhow!

my stereo doens't work. I can't afford to have appies. You'll be hungry if you don't bring something. This is kinda last minute, and sort-of poorly planned. Okay, its not planned at all......but I'm doing it!

i will slap some fake eyelashes on and lots of make-up. Do my hair all up, find soemthing out of closet that still fits and celebrate my birthday! I deserve it!

I want you all to come please. I refuse to feel down any longer and I want to be surrounded by people that love me. Things will work out. I will heal - one day. and if I don't, fine. But I am not going to keep sitting here being a slave to it! I will keep doing what I have been doing and look for work. Keep sending out those resume's. Keep my excercise routine going. Eventually the pool schedule is going to match mine and I'll get to go!

but in the meantime ................... I'm having a party.

Please drop me a line and let me know if you can come

Blog On

I am looking up trips to Vegas

up Up UP!

Looking for work sucks bums

........

November 7th

i would like to spend my 40th birthday surrounded by people that love me.

I hope I am not sitting here all alone..........

and Christmas comes Early

I just got a bill from my physio

$135 for the 3 sessions i had in the beginning of Oct.

ICBC refuses to pay for them. Even though I didn't get word, or meet with my adjuster till the 8th and of course cancelled everything from that moment on......my therapist taht had been calling my adjuster and had left messages..........adjuster not calling back. How shitty is that?!! I wouldn't have gone had I known. So now I owe money! Fudge!

so glad I have a lawyer now.

so glad to have mortgage insurance. I hate to put that into play. I never wanted to be behind on any house payments.

FuDGE! this sucks Large Ranch Animals.

Party's GAtherings

Tis' the season.

mine and Charlotte's birthday is coming. Nov. 7th. Got hers pretty much planned. It'll be fairly simple. WEnt to the dollar store and picked up make-up colours i don't already have. Tacky over dangly earrings, hair things. sister is letting us borrow her strobe light and disco ball, black-lite too I hope. I have the 7 girls invited to come for 5PM. We can get started on hair and eat and.......just go from there. I am not doing goody bags this year. They can keep the tacky earrings they wear and the hair things. That'll be their goody! I just can't afford it. as it is, the Pizza will be paid for by uncle Visa. Man I hope I can go back to work soon.

(been Looking for a desk reception job. I've tossed a couple resumes out. We'll see what happens. If I can get a desk job now, I can go back to work right away! but if I am looking at a being on my feet job or restaurant - its gonna be awhile :(

So we are celebrating Charley's 11th year on Nov. 6th. I wanted to leave the SAturday open cuz it is my 40th after all and I keep trying to think of inexpensive ways to celebrate my day. Cause I want to Celebrate! but we'll see. It might just end up being a dinner out with man and kid. Which is fine too! I like McDonalds! but I wanted that night open if I so chose to do whatever I wanted.

I have started my Christmas baking!

this is the first year I will be doing Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner. Mom & Dad are going to my brothers. So I will have Sister and Wood and Mountains family. Hopefully his Mom will come! She NEVER leaves the island. but we are hoping she will and come spend Christmas with us here. His dad will be here and his familyless friend, Mr. Dude. I am excited! I love to put a party together, feed people. I Love to Feed people!

There are only so many days left till Christmas! Charley and I won't be seeing the Nutcracker this year. (we've seen it every year since she was 2) I had thought we'd see another theatre production.........I have to weigh out the importance and the future and........is there soemthing else we can do taht will mean as much and 'do' for this year. It'll be good. Maybe we'll do the christmas lights tour instead!

Aaahhh silver linings are so sparkly sometimes!

Blog On!

I'm doing Christmas!

This year is the first year I am doing Christmas. So we have invited Mountains mom to come over from the island to celebrate it with us.

PYREX WARNING

got this in an E-mail from my mom. she knows of the TWICE over the last couple months that this has happened. The food that was lost. The glass in my legs and feet. The near miss of Mountains eye........I won't use what I have left for cooking anymore.

I thought it was something I was doing - apparently its not

For those of you still baking and cooking in the newer pyrex, you will be interested in reading.

Got any new Pyrex dishes in your cooking utensils? This is a must read.

I Checked at Wall Mart and all the warnings are there.

About 5:30 PM there was a loud bang from the oven. Sylvia opened the oven door and the Pyrex dish had shatt ered into a million pieces. The roast beef (our first in many months) was peppered with small shards of very sharp glass. Normally,I am quick to inform Sylvia she did something stupid. However,this time she was nowhere near the stove when it blew. I shoveled the glass and the now mashed potatoes into a bucket with two putty knives. I then sucked the remains with the shop vac. I let everything cool down and then scrubbed the oven with Simple Green and some hot soapy water. It took over an hour to clean up the goo. Upon completion I ran the oven empty to see if the temperature controller was working okay. I suspected the oven got too hot and the dish simply blew. This was not the case however. The oven came up to temperature and cycled normally. We threw a disgusting frozen pizza in the oven and it cooked okay.

What is going on?

I Googled exploding Pyrex dishes and got ten million hits.
Exploding Pyrex is very common.

Here is the story.

A long, long time ago in a country we all know and love was a
company named Corning. They made Pryex dishes. The material they used is called borosilicate glass. This stuf f is indestructible.
But like everything else, the Bottom Liners had a great idea: sell the technology to another company. The Chinese discovered that using soda lime glass was almost as good as borosilicate glass and a lot cheaper. Today, Wal-Mart is the lar gest distributor of Pryex products. Corning not only sold the technology to a company called World Kitchen, they also sold the rights to the original Pyrex logo. Seamless. The consumer will never know.

Now it seems people are getting hurt using soda lime Pyrex. We
were lucky because the dish broke while the oven was closed and the damage was limited to the oven cavity. Others have been less fortunate. Some dishes explode when they are lifted from the heating rack in the oven with devastating results. Some people are heavily scarred. World Kitchen is in denial. They say that the dishes are another brand, not theirs. Contrary to their denials the victims usually have more than one of these dishes and the Pryex logo is clearly visible.

If you buy a Pryex dish beware. The label on the front says oven safe, freezer safe, microwave safe. The instructions on the back tell another story. You cannot move a soda lime Pyrex dish from the freezer to the oven and expect it to survive. The fine print goes on and on about what you are not allowed to do with the Pyrex dish. The fine print has prevented World Kitchen from being sued becaus e they have warned the consumer that their Pyrex dishes are junk from the get go. And they are the same price as the original Corning dishes. What a bunch of losers we all are for buying this crap.

What to do?

If you own borosilicate Pryex dishe s no fear. They have to be more than 25 years old to be sure they are indeed Corning dishes. I am not sure if the old Pryex dishes have anything stamped in them that indicates they are made by Corning. You may continue to use the soda lime dishes for holding stuff. Just do not attempt to roast or microwave with them as the hazard is very clear.

The reason the soda lime dishes let go is that over time they
develop micro-cracks. Once a few micro-cracks are present and once some liquid finds its way into the cracks you have the bomb situation. The liquid is like shoving a crowbar in the dish and pulling it apart. Super heated liquids expand rapidly and it is the super heated liquids that force the soda lime glass to shatter into tens of thousands of shards.

Since Corning no longer makes Pyrex and Sylvia proudly holds a
large collection of the soda lime Pyrex, we decided that one bomb in the kitchen is enough. The Pyrex dishes will go bye-bye in this week’s trash. I do not know what we will use for cake and pie dishes going forward . If you have some suggestions we are listening.

I strongly urge you not to use the soda lime Pyrex for the oven, stovetop or microwave. The slightest invisible crack is all it takes to have a mess and a possible injury.

As to World Kitchen: them and their cheap dishes. In case
you are wondering: World Kitchen is not a USA company.


You are not going to believe this. Last week it happened to me!!!!! I put a Pyrex casserole dish in my microwave with a little butter in the bottom to warm. It was not in there more than 10 to 15 seconds at the most when it exploded like a bomb in a million pieces all over my microwave. I mean exploded. Unbelievable! I googled and found thousands of other cases, but no where to call to complain (I wonder why). It was a cranberry colored 9X13 microwavable (supposedly) dish. I will never buy Pyrex again. We are just lucky it was contained in the micro, but still had a huge mess. I am going to forward your message to get the message out. I have had this dish for several years. It was cranberry and it had a plastic lid that you could cover it with to take places or put in the fridge. It’s my last Pyrex. There were people that had them explode as they removed them from the oven, on the table, where glass flew all over the kitchen and ruined floors, etc.

Painting

I wanted yellow walls in my kitchen, but alas. I must come to terms with the fact that pale yellow walls will clash with my kitchen counters. *sigh*

I'll have to take a pic and post it.

i need colour help............

Discipline

yesterday morning - trying to get Charlotte out the door. It was a good morning. we don't generally have the same issues we did in elementary. WE actually have an easier nicer time getting ready so much earlier than we ever did for elementary school. Wierd I know! but this morning......i walked past her room to see she was still just sitting there. ARG! so I remind her to get her socks on.....her room is disgusting! as she is fumbling around trying to find socks, she can't find any, i have the time to really soak up the disgusting room.

clothes as a carpet, not one surface without stuff on it, used kleenex on the floor, hamper turned on its side, dishes, bed covers all a kimble and the topper......a smelly pig cage and Hay - Yes Hay covering EVERYTHING! (typical pre-teen room really) however........... I lose it. Go into the loud voice of GET YOUR SOCKS ON and MAYBE IF YOUR ROOM WAS MORE ORGANIZED YOU'D BE ABLE TO FIND WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR.

I only just went in a few weeks ago and cleaned it myself. It killed me, it hurt, so I ended up spending 2 1/2 days instead of one! I removed stuff and then for it to look.........

she starts yelling back and being incredibly mouthy. So I go to slap her across the face. She said soemthing that was WaaaaaY out of line - now I missed, which was fine cuz I didn't really aim all to good anyhow. i don't want to smack my kid. But she, She fought Back! She fought back in such a way that she didn't miss!

As I quickly responded and showed her I am bigger and much, much stronger and I missed on Purpose........ i held my anger back. I held her little wrists together cutting the circulation off and stared into her dilated pupils, you will Not Ever hit me Again! Do you understand?!

So is this the direction its going in? What are my next years going to be like? She will be 11 in a few weeks.

Our evening went fine as I explained to her at the dinner table, Mountain present, what was going to happen now. I told Mountain, she was responding in the same way she was being treated. he was furious, saying she needs a spanking. Good thing he wasn't home. ( I had explained all of this earlier to him when she wasn't around), that he can't spank her. First of all, she stopped responding to spanking YEARS ago. Second, he is a man and she is nearly 11 starting puberty, third, you are Not her blood. and If she goes to school and mentions it - it could be construed as assault.

So i calmly told her as long as her room looks like that I don't want to see it. Her door can stay closed and she can stay in there. Grounded? no. She can come out any time she wants, but she doens't get to do anything in the rest of the house....like watch T.V. I told her if she wants me to kiss her good night her bedroom door has to be able to be open or I won't be come in.

She made some comment about how I dont care. I looked her in the eye and said no. Its not that I don't care. It's that I care too much. Mountain and I worked really hard to give you the room you wanted. I worked really hard a few weeks ago to organize it and when I see how it looks........it hurts me. It hurts my heart. So don't care? no Charlotte. I have to make myself not care, I have to work at it, cuz my demon is just that; I care so much it consumes me. So keeping your door closed and not getting on you about your room is my way of protecting my heart.

I told her I guess its time for me to realize that if you choose to live like that i guess you're old enough to decide, but I don't have to see it.

she cleaned her room right after supper last night

Whisky & Auggy

my girl cat is a slut!

she keeps trying to "nurse" off the boy cat's Penis

WHAT THE HELL!

cut it out you guys!!

A Rusty Screw

No I am not talking about old sex

I am referring to how my body feels today.

Like when you twist something metal only to find out its rusted in places, so it moves and then doens't so much. Then it moves slowly till you hit a good spot again and it feels like its fine, then back to the rusty spot and you have to force it........

yah - thats how my body feels today

Spine - back - pelvis

I'll bundle myself up in something warm that'll help I am sure

Blog On

no more physio

so I haven't been to physio in a week.

My pelvis is achy and for some wacked out reason my neck and left shoulder are pinchy. Did I sleep funny?

I need to be stretched.

I am actively looking for job options to serving. very little standing or walking....hmmmm

In Exactly 1 month .............. ONE Month ............... 1 month today -

I turn 40!

forty - FFfORTY!!

mine birthday is comink!

What doing

HELP

I need inexpensive Ideas for Charley's 11th birthday that is a month away!!

last year it was the pool.

the year before that - disaster

i had thought a Costume party on Halloween would be cool, but 2 of her friends are stealing her thunder.

my brain hurts too much to be creative...........

I need some sex

why do I feel Freaked out?

Hi Krisit,
Sorry I have not responded until now. I was out of the office for a
couple of days and have returned to find Dr. ********'s report. I will
be sending Dr. ******** a copy and will need to set up an appointment
with you so we can review it further. Are you available next Thursday,
October 8th, I am available in the morning or afternoon, whatever works
better for you. Let me know, thanks.

Lisa P******

Review it with me? Why does she need to review it with me? Is she gonna tell me the doctor found Cancer? ACK!

this better not be a sick I feel coming on!

better be the weather change -

Krazy Hair Day

sent Charley to school with KraZy hair cause it was KraZy Hair day.

nope.

Its tomorrow.

EI vs ICBC

if I have to pay back everything I get for wage loss from ICBC to EI what was the point of applying and putting myself through the stress?

this is goofy!

What a stupid system!

TheTide has Turned

Well, here we go!

spoke with Mountain this evening about the job thing.  What can I do?

Right now i am still broken.  But I can't stand not working.  Its making me crazy! 

I can't go back into the restaurant biz at this time cuz i am still most broken.  So I have to do something else.  or maybe if I can go back it's only part-time?  

I'll do soemthing else?  Maybe look into  a casual on-call thing.  Doens't pay the bills. Ummmm.......dive into something else that has no future, but pays my mortgage?    By the time I am able to friggin do soemthing physical its going to be Christmas(if I am lucky) and all the jobs  will be gone.  This is the time of fall hiring!  I'm gonna miss out!  I know i still need to be resting, but I want to be doing something with my time.  Somehting more.  I want to work

School?  Retraining?  how do I pay my bills while I do that?  Courses start again in January.

i need the support at home

Anyhow, while we were discussing my options.........he is going to move in.

We are going to go out tomorrow and price sheds.  We need another shed in order for a move like this to happen.  he was out today organizing and re-organizing the shed we already have.....trying to figure out where we can fit more in.  Where he can fit more in.  Its too small

So thats it blogger dudes.  Hopefully by my birthday he will be here.

There are some big adjustments ahead.

Living with him?  Can I do it?

I need A job

I am desparately trying to figure out somehting I can do for a job.

I mean - if i get better enough to get back into the restaurant biz will I find another gig as good as i had?  Probably not.  So that either means two jobs or one part-time night one.  Night isn't the End of the world, but working 5 days a week to 10/11 and probably starting somewhere about 6PM if I am lucky.  Will put strains on my family that I am not so sure about.  Weekends won't exist anymore and that will put a lot of strain on Mountain.  *sigh*

so i could do something else?  But what?  I could retrain.  I'd like to take the insurance brokers course - do autoplan?  They make decent money.  But the course is a thousand dollars.  Its 10 weeks which is fine, but a Thousand bucks?  Yikes.  So there are other things i have thought of doing, but they require my to be able to lift and walk and be on my feet.........at this point I jsut can't.  I am still too broken.  

but I need to do soemthing!

been thinking about maybe selling candles - PartyLite?  that and SexToys?  along with maybe tupperware too?  I could be the sales consultant of everything!  I am desperate to do soemthing to pay my way.  If I sold for 3 companies?  Did home parties for 3 things?  Could it work?  Would it work?  I could make my own hours - kinda.  incorporate it all into one thing..........

i am just brainstorming.

Trying to figure out what i need and what my family needs and what i am capable of doing and what options are there for me and.........

any suggestions?  HELP

Kitties

what is the fascination with Auggy's balls Whisky?

Stop licking them!!!  its gross.

to top it off, Auggy is in puberty.  So he has discovered his penis.  He is not so sure what to do with it yet......but I'm sure he is figuring it out.  He is 6 months, the vet figures, next week.  he is getting snipped!

and She needs to stop being such a little slut with the constant blow-jobs!  No wonder he's realized he has a penis.  Poor guy is gonna end up with blue-balls!  I keep having to separate them.

Jeepers!

my biggest concern, and the reason I've never been big on boy cats, is the spraying.  Wanna avoid that at all costs.  Cause if that starts...............

Christmas

Got News from Mountains work -

this years Christmas party is on Granville Island.

they are putting us up in the hotel there and the dinner will be a boat cruise.

Guess I better start scouting for my dress now so that I can jump on it when it goes on sale before the Christmas rush!

maybe?

so the doctor stands behind you

Stares at your behind

and then says, "bend over, as far as you can"

then holds on to your hips

is it medical or is it really just for them?

Crosswalks

this is something that frustrates me......

people that stand at the crosswalk button and keep pushing it.

Now, all a crosswalk button does is make sure the hand is replaced by a little person when the traffic light turns.  it doesn't make the traffic Light turn any faster.  So by standing there pushing it and pushing it and pushing it.......Dumb

the only time that doesn't apply is at a pedestrian light.

my fav is when I've watched a pedestrian push the button, stand, wait for the light to turn......and then they go!  even though the little hand is up!  Obviously not paying attention, thinking that the button is broken.  No.  NO its not.  The walk guy is not up for a reason.  The cars have the left arrow and now you, the pedestrain that Thinks they have the right of way.......has Fucked up traffic!

In the city, there aren't any buttons.  Walk signs and hand signs are all automatic.  yet you still get the last scenario happening.  

When you are in a car you don't follow the traffic lights for the cars in other lanes or going the opposite direction do you?  so why would you do that as a pedestrian?

In Vegas - cars have the right of way.  They are incredibly respectful to the rights of the pedestrian.  However, if you step off that curb when your light is not telling you to do so............you get run over and the driver is saved the same consequences he might see here.

Blog On

I feel like i am Slowly melting

I WANT THIS NONSENSE TO STOP!

I WANT TO BE BETTER!

I WANT TO BE WORKING!

Shots

I've been a respponsible mom.  I've had Charley shot every time she was supposed to.  Even opted to get the chickenpox vaccine when she was 2!

but what was in those shots.  Although I  was responsible, i don't know what I gave her.  

now I'm a bad mom.

this permission form has come home.

please date and sign for each vaccine.  OH Shit!

Hepatitis B - Meningoccal C conjugate vaccine - chicken pox - HPV

duh.  I dunno.

I'm sure a few of those are supposed to updated......the HPV we have opted out of all together.

do you know what was in the 'booster' your kid got before they were a year?

Hmmmmm.

Sister

It started off innocent enough. Nice actually.

Sister helping with the SAxophone dilemma.  Found us one for 200bux.  donating her trumpet so i can sell it......Then yelling at me.

If you recall, it has always been the plan for us to have 2 kitties.  The SPCA thing was going to be the way - but soooo expensive.  We ended up with Auggy quite by accident. We decided after him that we weren't getting another one unless it was being given away.  As it so happens, a girlfriend of mine sent out the beacon, I answered.  Yes! we would Love to have another kittie!

We now have a second baby.  

Sister comes.  Meets Whiskers and then asks me if I am self destructing?

Yah, maybe a little i admit.  Thinking this is a conversation going in a different direction.  Teh Understanding Sister that I can share some of my fears with.......

nope - 

Doesn't she remember supporting us with the whole getting 2 kitty's plan?  Almost getting them for us a only just couple short months back.  Now all of a sudden........

So I say yah, maybe getting another cat that we have to get shot and fixed is not the brightest thing I have ever done.  However.......

I've/we've also not done a whole lot to give us pleasure over the last few months.  So Mntn and I talked about it.  Having babies grow up together is important to us.  We probably won't have a blessing of human baby, so........

She lites into me about getting this second cat.  i have a mortgage to pay.  I know - I havn't NOT paid it yet.

She starts yelling at me about how I should be working.

What?  i Can't work.  I can't walk all day.  So do something else she screams.  7-eleven has great benefits.

What?  I am off work due to doctors orders.

You look fine to me.  

You should be doing somehting!

What?  are you implying that I am faking?

my husband got ran over last weekend at the derby and he went to work on Monday.

Great!  Good for him.  I did too - for 3 months till I couldn't anymore.  I AM BROKEN!!

 i go to physio 3 times a week and the doctor, my leg is not in a good way.  Joints rubbing against each other......this is not good.  I keep busy with being a stay at home mom.  Baking, getting supper on the table each night.  Being on top of the homework being a mom to a budding pre-teen.........

She starts implying that I am lazy.  That I am living off the system.  That I could be working.

Yes, I could be working, but not at this time.  There's a lot going on.......ICBC stuff.  Doctors.....I've been keeping my eyes open........why am i defending myself?

I still just don;t even know what to think even now.  It was all so very wierd.  I start to get angry now.  My tone changes.  How dare you Missy!  I have always worked.  i am NOT lazy.  I am NOT living off the system.   i am living off Mntn!  If I could work through this i would be.  Oh yah thats right, I already tried to!  My body Stopped.  There are some moments when i can't get up from sitting, or i have to force my leg forward to even take a step.  Other times i am ok  When I only have to walk or stand for a few minutes at a time.

i yell back at her - I worked till 3 weeks before my due date when i was pregnant.  As a matter of fact i went back to work casually 3 months after she was born.  I had a car accident and I have worked.  I worked every day.  I worked so much in fact that I may have serious permanent damage to my hip joint.  I have a lot of decisions to make in the next while.  I have to re-train. Find another job.  Something i can't do till I can sell myself.  Walking into my first day on the job and falling over isn't the way to keep it.

I realize I won't be able to do that job anymore.  I'm gonna try, but realistically - I'm done.  Knowing whats going on inside my body.....I am trying my damndest to keep my spirits up.

I've been on an interview.  I've even applied to do this at home thing from my computer. (just heard from them friday i have to do a follow up)

i am looking.  I am trying.  I AM NOT LAZY!!  

I want to throw-up knowing the debt I am creating by not working.  I am sick about it.  However, all i can do is concentrate on healing.  Being able to walk is important.  

Mntn went and bought groceries for us yesterday, he will be picking up freezer stuff today.

how dare you come into my house and accuse me of being whatever it was or is that you think i am doing.

I have debt that is maybe not all you think it is Sister nor did I ask for you're advice or your help.  You offered and i will gladly take it!  your not giving me the SAx.  We are paying for it!  I am selling YOUR trumpet and giving you the money for it!!.........don't project your anxiety about money and stress on me.  I've go all my own thanks!

I'm doing my own little freak out dance once a week!

I know you sell cell phones.  i also know what you make.  I also know how close you and hubby are to losing that house any moment!

My boyfriend, that doens't even live here, is supporting us right now.   Where do you think to 200bux for the Sax is coming from?   For all you know he is taking care of the vet stuff!  Which he is!

Just becasue my car wasn't totaled.  i am not in a cast.  Does not mean I am not truly injured!!

I was more surprised than anybody to realize that i was actually really hurt in this accident.

she ended up tossing a bunch of Fff's at me, telling me she just wants to take me and shake me and walking out my front door.  I was left standing there dumbfounded as to what The Hell just Happened!

she was basically calling me a loser that is milking the system.

I am still dumbfounded and don't know.  Going over it in my head.  it was so wierd and ridiculous.  i just don't understand what prompted her to attack me like that.

Even if i was going back to work and was pronounced healed......my official 6 weeks isn't up till 22nd, Tuesday!  So she was just .......I am still just blown away and have no idea what to think.

...........

Blog On

My Sister

i am sobbing and crying

her babies are fine.  she is fine

she hurt me - i am sad - this is real.  I am hurt.

yes I know i need to work!  Yes!  I know I need a job!  Yes i know i have bills and a mortgage and......I am not doing this on purpose or because I wan to or becasue of anything she might be thinking in her swollen pregnant head of hers.

Get it Sister!

I am to emotional.

I am thinking of deletion

Paid off Doctor?

ICBC is sending me to one of THEIR doctors

Cat Litter

so I got a cat just over a month ago.

He had Crystal litter at the pet store, so we kept it the same so's not to confuse him.

I had said that once he was used to knowing where his shit house is I would be switching to clay.

Mountain said no.  he likes the Crystal stuff.

Fine.  Than you can buy it and you can dig through his shit every night and clean it out!  Ok, says he.

He's done it a total of 3 times. (and I am sure thats one more credit than he deserves)

I potty trained my kid cause I don't like cleaning up shit.  I'm not thrilled at all about cleaning up after my cat!

digging around in a cat box finding all the treasures he has left there for me while i hold a cloth over my face - not my idea of a party.

Besides the fact that this clumping, crystal magnificent invention for cat lovers everywhere is Ridiculously expensive!  I end up tossing it after a week anyhow cuase it reeks! 

so back i go to clay.  It can be changed every Sunday.  I will be happy. 

Blog On

Money Issues CAuse Stress

After sitting in the EI office for an hour today without anything to read or look at, I had to think.  Boy did I think.

Mountain is stressed too.

He is really pulling out the punches right now and filling in the financial holes of my life.  Seriously, he doens't have to do that.  We are not married.  He doens't live here.  Charley is not his.

yes he is committed to me.  yes he wants to marry me, so he takes it on.  but Realy, he could just walk away.  Or be an Asshole as I know of so many others and not help at all.

He vented cause he is stressed to.  Realizing that running this household IS a lot of work.  REalizing all that i DO do.  Biting down into it and now chewing.  This is a huge responsibility.  Huge.  I knew it was more than he thought it was.

Yes.  The grass needs to be cut once a week.  When the sun shines there is yard work to do.  The sheets get changed every saturday.  The tub needs to be scrubbed once a week.  Dinner gets made every day and we need food to cook with so that that happens.

As he starts to feel to financial pull the thoughts crossed his mind of moving in.  We wanted to wait, but may not be able to.  As he thought about it, he realized, there just isn't room for any of his stuff.  I mean his clothes even.

I only just recently went through my closet and my dresser and managed to get rid of more.  He now has a wee space in the closet and a drawer in my dresser.  When he bitched at me the other day - i pointed that out to him and said. 'what have you done to get ready for this?'

but he wants to keep everything.

Tough Shit!

don't you think I wanted to keep everything too!  I moved out of that house 2 yrs ago and got rid of stuff I never wantd to say goodbye to.  My Nana's hutch, that I had planned to strip and paint.  Gone.  A wardrobe, gone.  My Brand new dryer that still had warranty - gone.  Dishwasher only a year old - Gone.  Kitchen chairs - gone ect. ect.  I worked hard for those things.  gone, gone, gone.  but i had to downsize considerably to fit in this house.  and I am still doing it!

so I know the realization hit him.  He didn't mean to make me feel bad. He was feeling overwhelmed.  Especially when I can't help.  I mean, evrything is really falling on his shoulders.  

We will make it.

On the up side - I think I've figured out the band issue.

I gotta close my eyes a lot and just keep faith through all this accident injury crap!

Gotta concentrate on getting better.  It'll come.  it'll come.

Blog On

HELP!!

found out that to rent a Saxophone so Charles can be in the band is gonna be somewhere in the neighborhood of 40bux a month to rent!

Fudge.  What am I going to do?  Tell her no band?

Feeling Bad

Thanks for making me feel bad Mountain.

I have worked really hard to get here.  I have lived off a low income for all my working years.  Struggled through bills and debt.  In the years before Charley working 2 jobs back to back jsut to make ends meet.  Saved my cash and struggled to make payments on furniture/appliances in my home.  I have been humbled many times just to live.  I've not done many things that my other girlfriends do.  I have a mortgage that I am struggling to keep paid as I struggle through not being able to work and live off what little income i have coming in during this hopefully, short phase of my life.  I have tried to make career changes unsuccessfully over the years only to yet try again. (keeping my fingers crossed).  I have made a home for Charley and i, thinking I made the best decision I could for us at that time 2 years ago.

now i sit here thinking - did I.

I know this house is small.  Its only big enough for  for very little furniture.  I know I have to organize and downsize even more.  I am home these days and I can't do it cause of my injuries.  All I can do is sit and look at all the things I could do to make it work.   I try, but i am limited.  I work with what I have.  I know I have made some bad decisions, but at least I made some.

Come up with a solution Mountain.  you don't like it and have every criticism, than do something about it.  Why is it up to me?  I don't have any means to make things change right now.  Living in 900 sq. ft.  isn't my idea of heaven either, but i am making the best of it.  

We have a yard.  We have a warm home.  We have food, clothing.

how many women can say they bought a house,  on their own, on a waitress salary?

Blog on

Why do you download my pics?

I know 1 of you, but the other??

leaves me feeling ookey

Intense

WoW!

very intense morning.  Holy smokes.  Hope I did ok

School

First day of middle School tomorrow!

Yikes!  are we ready?

????

oh for Frig's sake?

I thought I was getting better!!!

physio indoors and then 25 minutes straight walking in 2 sets - YES!  

bit stiff in the hip I very happy!

Oh bonunger 

i want a face lift

LooK! its me

Off he goes for his Shop -

blog on

Pyrex is My Enemy - Supper exploded AGAIN!!!!

its hard to see the glass all over the floor, but it was there.  Shot into my foot.    dAmn it!  that was a delicious chicken with fresh tomatos and cheddar.  Ymmmm!  it was hard not to take the chance and eat it anyhow - we ordered pizza - it wasn't the same

Weddings are Fun

ran into - The Queen's, birth fathers ex-childhood/girlfriend/sweetheart.

follow?

sketchy

it was good.  She was upfront and dove right in.  asked about the Queen and her ex-boyfriend Charley's birthfather - role.

life is a Funky  ride isn't it?

the word is a small place

Blog On!

Mine - No MINE!

and so it begins.  Boss man claiming that the plant I just took home to repot as his.  Nope.  Sorry.  its mine.  Him wanting me to bring it back.  Sorry.  Got my reciept.

all started cuz Queen and I went in.  A plant I just nursed back to health that looked gorgeous - nearly dead! I can't believe it!  I've only been gone 2 weeks!  other plants of mine turning yellow.  What the F are you guys not doing to them?!!  window ledges filthy.  bits of food....ugh

whatever, i have my reciepts.  I'll take what i want of mine when the time comes.

Insulted is how I feel  

Vacation Time is Here!

Yippee!

Mountains Vaca time starts today at exactly 3:30!  in the three years we've been togethr this is the first time we've had vaca time togethr!  its very exciting.  We will probably be sick of each other at the end of the 2 weeks.  But thats ok.  We'll get over it.

went to my doc yesterday and he says my hips are FINALLY stabilizing.  i am not out of the woods yet and I am not to be to cocky about it.  I checked with him again about us going away.  He said - GO!!!  you need this.  You will be uncomfortable, but you need to go for your own sanity!  Just keep stretching and doing physio, get the foamy you will be fine.   Get away.  Get away from this accident and enjoy much needed family time.  Sometimes thats the best medicine of all!

so I have lots of errands to complete today. Its a cooler day so i hope to get errands done and get baking happening.  treats for the trip! if not, its not the end of the world.  Wedding tomorrow.  Hope i fit into the dress I have picked out of my closet.  I can't afford to buy anything new so this dress better do it or I will be going in my  bathing suit!  I'm just excited to be able to get dressed up and do my hair and all that fun stuff.   Its even a reason to wear fake eyelashes!  LOVE IT!!!

Here's a thought - i wonder how I will do in heels?  Hmmm.  I'll be sitting all night anyhow.  I'll have to make sure I walk in arm and arm with Mountain.  He can hold me up and no one will know.

Off I go then!

Blog ON!  

Sauna Pants are Amazing in this Lovely Lovely Heat!

core work

30+ weather

and sauna pants make me a sweaty happy  core tightening girl!

Off I go to do crunches on my Noodle!

I Love how Deep My Silver Lining is!!!!

Self Check-out lanes at WAl-Mart are gone?

how out of the loop am I?!!