Test

I was studied up.

Taken my notes. Gone over the 6 chapters I needed to. Each week more and more questions get on the test. Last week I got 70% That was ok. It was what I had thought I would get with the knwoledge I knew I had soaked up. This week I was aiming for 90+ and figured there was no reason why I should get it. I was feeling pretty confidant. I had been working hard all week!

This week was different then last in the sense that we had 2 fellas from the computer lab join us. They had already taken the GIE, but I guess the computers weren't working properly, so they were sitting in on our class for the week. Sitting in to the point that teacher (Mr. Adams) figured they should take the test. Just for kicks really. See how much they remember.

Okay. Why not

There were about 6/7 pages to this test. It is all multiple choice. how hard can that be you say? Well its not and it is all at the same time. When you just 'know' the answer its awesome. When you are unsure .........

You have to remember, this is all like a weird special insurance language. Have you ever tried to read your insurance contracts and understand Everything being said?

Sometimes 'knowing' the answer can turn around and bite you in the ass, cuz if the wording is at all slightly different ........... and that can be in the question or the answers. There can be 2 answers that almost say the same thing but be one word, one Important word, different. If you aren't paying attention or not concentrating ...............

I opened my test, took a deep breath .............. ok! Here we go.

buddy next to me made a couple of comments about the questions. Looking for a reaction. Fine. I ignore him and keep going. I'm feeling good. Taking my time. Going over the questions, ignoring some and marking them ........ I'll come back to those ones .......... buddy makes another comment .......... I quietly - shh. He shuts up. the next couple pages, I keep going. Reading everything carefully.

Then it happened. Buddy next to me is done. Ok good. He will leave now. I have 3 pages to go. he's taken the test before. He knows this stuff, that's why he is done so quickly. He hands it to Mr. Adams..........Mr. Adams announces that he missed a few. Conversation starts between them..........WHAT!!!!

I'm having trouble understanding the questions all of a sudden, trying hard not to listen to their conversation. Trying to block them out. My temperature starts to go up. My shoulder blades get tight.

He wants to know which ones he got wrong, Adams starts talking about resumes and practicums. Buddy goes to the other lab to print off his resume ........... GOOD. Quiet again. 3rd to last page. I can continue. Hmmm. My concentration is screwy I make it to the last page. Shit. its all third party stuff ....... Dufus behind me is finished ................ MORE CONVERSATION!!!

HOLY SHIT!!! The words are just words on the paper. They don't even look like sentences. I can't do this!!! Are you kidding me?!!

I am shifting in my chair. Looking up. sighing loudly trying to be annoyed for them to recognize it and SHUT-UP!!! The conversation just keeps going. Now keep in mind, this is a small room I am in. Fits maybe 10 people if that. This conversation was not quiet whispers or even quiet voices.........this was full on normal every day conversation. SHUT-UP!! SHUT-UP!! SHUT-UP!! I am screaming in my head! my chest is getting tight. My back is hurting so much I want to vomit. My armpits are getting sweaty. Dufus leaves to get his resume ............ ok, come back down Kristi. Relax. Breath. I close my eyes to attempt to bring myself back down so that I can finish this test. One of my classmates is finished, she stand up to hand in her test. Buddy and Dufus walk back in to the room to hand Adams their resumes. They all start talking! Chick at the back of the room who is still doing the exam starts talking with them!! ".....79 ......I can't do it ........ just 79 ........" Well I Can Do It. I Have Done It. I want to scream.

I keep waiting for the conversation to die down, to stop. Its not. There's now 5 people having a social session right next to me while I am trying my damndest to finish an exam that I was hoping for a 90 on! It is incredibly clear to me now that I am NOT going to get anything close to a 90. I'll be lucky if I pass. The tears are close by. Dufus and Buddy leave ........... the girls are still chatting ......... I am ready to leave and not do the questions I missed, not do the last page i am struggling on .........."should I leave!" I interupt them. " I am trying to do a test and I can't do it with all the conversation. So maybe I should be the one to leave the room!"

" you're right. I'm sorry" says Mr Adams sheepishly and he gets up and leaves. My classmate leaves. its quiet. the girl in the back is finishing up. I can't read. I am so upset. It feels like i am having a heart attack.

It appears the girl in the back is finished to and steps into the door jam to chat with whomever is out there .................. FFFFFFF!

I look at the questions and do the best I can.

Drink the rest of my water, take a deep breath and leave out the back door.

By the time i reach my car the tears are up in my eyes. i am shaky and sooooo upset. That was awful!

Fat Burning Foods!!!!

lots of protein -- lots of fiber

I'll just be farting and pooing! Wooooooooo

I am still so in Awe that my doctor was right about the walking

I am trying to lose this fat around my middle, but if i can't even burn it with fast walking .................... What The Hell! am I destined to look like a sausage with skinny arms and legs stiking out?

Accurate Auto Body & Paint ...........

............... anyone heard anything?

EI

Seriously!!

how often does my EI have to get screwed up?

FUCK! I have 4 days to fix it

Charlotte had a boy ask her out

I of course said, "where is he taking you?" knowing full well that's not what it meant ............

Mr Big

When it first happened I found it strange but whatever. it's gonna. It was only once in awhile and I was only in the yard or driving past the house. Sometimes I was in the house without his knowledge ........... but over the last while they having been coming more and more. Now we are talking in them. Old friends getting together. Dating. Almost having sex, me saying no, because I have Mntn. At least once a week I have one now. Last night and Friday night - 2 nights in a row! I'm almost scared to go to sleep tonight. Last night I met his wife...............

Why am I having dreams about Mr. Big?

Test Tomorrow -- my eyes are hot and bloodshot from reading

New Blinds

Ah Yes. A Lovely Sunday morning. The sun is out. the birds are frolicking. Front door wide open to let the freshness in. Wonderful.

Flies. Tis the season for flies. Turns out, some came in my house. That's ok. A couple flies aren't going to kill me. Besides now I have kitties that like to hunt them. Cool.

I was in my room getting my act together for the day.

There was a noise. It was an ungood noise of something getting wrecked. I didn't know what it was that was getting ruined, but it was definitely a wrecking sound.

My Blinds!

My blinds in my Front window! Damnit! He hunted a fly right up the center of them. Got caught up and ............... BAM! Blinds destroyed.

Now normally, every morning, I not only open the blinds, but the front ones I lift. so That the kitties can look out and sit there without the hinderance of something in their view. As I have witnessed them both, once in awhile, trying to go thru them.

So here I was. Blinds broken. Lookin' much like a crack shack. Fudge! I don't have blinds in my budget for Months!

I announce to Mntn taht I HAVE to get new ones for the front window

Off we head to Home Depot.

Now my front windows are special. They are not your normal lenght. 48" in length is 12 inches too short. So the only place I can get them is home depot ...... unless I order them. Forget That! As we are there looking for the right width, we soon learn they are special in that aspect too. We must have them cut.

Fine. I make sure its the right length and Mntn snags the box to give to the girl so she can cut them.

he then decides, last second, we might as well do the other 2 narrower (28") blinds. Then they will all be done but the big window. he walks back over grabs some 30's, and stacks them on top of the other box. He lets Ashleen know what he has done and what he needs. Ashleen cuts them for us. Mntn foots the bill for all 3 blinds and we head home.

Now if you've ever been to Home Depot Window covering section, you know that the area is littered with signs.

NO RETURNS ON CUT BLINDS. MAKE SURE YOUR MEASUREMENTS ARE CORRECT.

We didn't have to worry. we had measured the width correctly and made sure we got the 72" in length ................................ For the Center Blind!!!

He looks at the 3 boxes of blinds and notices soemthing. ............. he -- we didn't make sure the 2 narrower blinds were long enough. HE GRABBED THE 48's!! SHIT! They won't take them back! There's signs everywhere! Thats' a good chunk of money to swallow for a stupid mistake.

I say -- let's try taking them back anyway. Nothing ventured nothing gained. If we can even get back half our money its better than nothing. Mntn is hesitant. he feels like a knob. They'll never take them back he is convinced. "We might as well try," I convince him. "We get nowhere without trying. Worse case scenario, we are right back here".

In we go to customer service. She shakes her head. "They've been cut I can't return these". i look at her , is there something that you can suggest for us to do? I plead.

She tells us that we can try going back over to where we got them from and see if there's anything they can do there ..............

I'll try. Nothing ventured, Nothing gained.

Ashleen is there. Relaxing. It was really busy the hour before when we were there. I ask her if there's ANYTHING AT ALL that she can do to help us with our opsy. Half price. Anything?? She shakes her head no.

*sigh* Ok. *sigh* its ok at least we tried.

She stops us. Let me talk to jen.

Jen? we wonder

jen wanders in at that moment. She asks her if she can take back the blinds.

Yup! No problem!

Really!!!??

We got our 28" 72"'s done and bought one more for the other window in the livingroom! All 4 windows are done now! and We had the best customer service from Jen and Ashleen EVER!!! When jen took us over to the Customer Service Desk to do the switch, from the short blinds to the new longer blinds, she told the girl that she had grabbed the wrong size earlier. She took the whole Opsy on to herself!!! We were floored. Then the customer service girl charged us for the shorter blinds! "for our trouble" she said. Flat on The Floor we are by this point.

Really!?!

The next morning on my way to school I picked up some Tim Horton's gift cards. After school I went back to Home Depot with a card packed with our thanks and their names on them. I can't rmember the last time I was on the recieving end of such amazing Customer Service. I know I must have been, but this was just an above and beyond moment.

Thank-you Ashleen & Jen from Home Depot!

I now have 4 very nice looking blinded windows in my living room.

STOMP! STOMP! SCREAM! YELL! STOMP!

how long does an Effffing funeral take! it was at 10:30! it is now after 2

EXTREME PROFANITY YELL! STOMP!

I totally just stabbed myself in the chin with my thumb nail!

it hurt and i am bleeding!

What The Hell!

Gotta Add to My Package

I gotta add to my package for the end of school.

I didn't apply for the practicum part. Originally the instructor had said I shouldn't have a problem without it. Practicums are there for practical experience on the job training. Bla, bla ...... and they usually end in a job.

Well, I NEED ONE OF THOSE!!

because of the ever growing fear I have of not being worthy or not getting a job and not bringing in a paycheck ........ i have decided i need to add on to my Strong Package.

Bubbly or not I will use all the resources at my disposal.

That's not wrong is it?

missing the dining room like crazy. Missing the giving of food pleasure........

I got to go out and dig with my hand shovel the other day. YaY for that! However ........ I am not able to dig with a regular sized shovel anymore - or at least not right now. I am not even able to cut my own grass still or empty my own wheelbarrow!

STUPID ACCIDENT!

The Queen

here's what happened .......

yesterday was the day the kids got their second batch of shots from the beginning of the school year. you knwo the ones when the health nurse comes and does the seconds on Hep B and the HPV.

Well Lottie didn't know it was happening.

I didn't know it was happening either. and When she asked her Teacher about it, he was a littel too surprised for her comfort. So the Queen, hid in the bathroom and didn't get her hep B.

What did I do?

Praised her

cuz there hadn't been anything sent home. She did the right thing. Good for Her!

although now I have to take her to the health clinic and get it done ...........

elevators

drempt about out of control elevators in my huge house last night.

yes the huge house that I have with the secret floor and rooms full of beautiful furniture with the cityscape view .........

the elevators twisted as they went up or down like a corkscrew and for whatever reason wouldn't stop. This was a serious thing cu people were trapped in them ....... wierd dreams ...... they were boys trapped. I was in one ...... there was an elevator guy there........it just went on .....

Sleep?

tooo much on my mind

my eyes popped open at 1:23AM, and that was it. I lay awake. I went to the couch about 3:30 ........ I lay awake some more. I have soooo much on my mind.

I did this thing where I spent money yesterday that I feel horribly guilty about spending. So I will need to take back what i bought. Damn it! So I lay awake thinking about all the other more important things I need to spend that Non-money on. Then i lay awake thinking about how are we gonna move the playhouse when the time comes. I lay there thinking about the fact that I cooked with too much garlic, maybe that's why I can't sleep. I thought about how much wieght I have gained in the last 3 years since being with Mntn. I tried to remember how old Charlotte was when i started her on pablum. I thought about school and why i am not there yet. I lay awake wondering where I am going to go to get a job and wondering if I will get hired. I thought about how i will pay off the debt I have incurred during this time of non-work. I lay awake listening to the rain pelting the livingroom windows and wondered if everything was ok outside. The I started to think about my garden and wonder if I will be able to dig in it this year ........ I moved back to the bed after 5AM. Finally fell asleep soemwhere around 5:30. Drempt that I was working for Ray and then the alarm went off at 6.

I guess I better get ready for the day..................

Walls

Well the walls are as done as they are gonna get!

I'm annoyed that when I went and got the second can ....... I wetn for the same brand but - it was environmentally friendly. Where as all the other paint (CIL) has not been. This was still CIL - but it was ecologically friendly.......WELL.........half my hallway is much glossier than the other half. and It didn't spread as nicely.........oh well. At least its all on the same side. So I will put my pics and mirrors back up today. We have decided to get a trellis and I will sand it down, paint it white and put it up on the wall in the hall underneath the hall window. The cats keep jumping there. and Leaving scratch marks. I wondered when I moved in what the horrible marks on the wall were that soemone had tried to paint over with a badly matched shade of paint. They had a cat. Didn't figure that out till we got these new ones. Mr. Ball would Never do such a thing! so anyhow - Trellis is will be ....... hopefully it looks ok?

Tomorrow I will make an another attempt to go to school. Hopefully the instrusctor says its ok that I only go 9 hours a week. Otherwise I will sit here and make the best of it. Paint the rest of my house? My back keeps letting me know that it is weak and injured - so there are things I just avoid. For example --- I have not painted the part of my hall that has my washer and dryer in it. Why? because I will not even attempt to move the machines. Where as in the olden days...............it would have been done in a heartbeat! So my projects are slow going, as I listen to what my body says to me. "sit kristi. don't lift that Kristi. You can't move in that direction kristi. sideways pivot? its time to stretch. Squatting carefully, ONLY ONCE! You can keep going if you stand like this. keep your toes pointed forward and your hips square......ect" Its all very Goofy. Then I wake every morning with a stiff lower back and spine. Alvin is there but just hanging out. I am careful not to anger him. So it feels like my panties are too tight ......... i am walking! I have a limp that comes and goes......and I am so good at it now, that I can do a really fast limp now when i need to! how cool is that?!

Home Depot had a sale on. Doors. Jeldwen moulded doors. Perfect! that is on my list! So off we went the other day and picked up 2! they were 29bux each! have you Any idea how much money we saved? Holy Carp! Mntn got one of them hung yesterday, YaY! woke today to get the other up and its raining. Poop! So now I have more to paint! Wooooo - Not. Well actually painting the doors won't be so bad. I don't have to fill holes and sand ....... the walls have been a pain. Bad taping jobs. Bad puddy. Paint drips to sand out. Holes. Holy Holes everywhere!!! My mouldings ...........they were never painted. Fine. but the nail holes have all been filled with caulking. Or maybe its silicone ......i dunno.....but it sure as heck is not wood filler!!! so I have to get all that out re-fill it and ........ truthfully .......some of it i have just said Fuck it Too!

So painting is not my fav thing. however, it does look nice. So after I finish my laundry hall area - I can get busy in the livingroom. Although I still have not chosen a colour ........... hmmm.

Off I go then. .

enjoy your Easter monday!

so I am shallow petty and selfish

Where the Heck is it!?

its Easter! perfect memory making day .............

What The Hell!

Frustrated

with myself

with Lyle

I want to focus on the good that is him - not the fact that ............

its just so frustrating!!!

and I know there are more things in life that I could be focusing my energy.

he is a good man and a good partner.

he loves me and Charlotte. he has agreed to be Charlotte's legal gaurdian. He is active in our home and making it. We truly get along great. He fits in my life really well!

not everything is perfect Kristi.

so the ring you picked out is in the shed. So he's had it since November. so his exuse is that he hasn't had time to give it to you. So he is waiting til he can make it a "moment" So Christmas, New Years, Valentine's ect. has passed.......Now its Easter. So he new for weeks that he was going to be having a 4 day weekend. So its been planed for weeks that Charlotte was at a sleepover last night ......... so .................

i need to concentrate on what I have not what I don't.

but why am I so frustrated then? Why? i know we are going to get there. I Know this. Yet am i that shallow, that selfish? Why do i feel so anxious about this stupid proposal? why am I so caught up in it? Its going to happen!!! It is.

Why??

am I broken? What the Hell is wrong with me? I'm a whiny bitch about a ring.........BooHoo kristi.

GET OVER IT!

* SIGH*

April 1st 1989

Is an anniversary of lost virginity.

Even after 21 years thats what i think about on this day

So bizaare.

drempt.......

......about Charlotte's birth father last night.

he sought me out and took me to some arena or soemthing ........ to tell me that he and his wife were having another baby .......

I dislike dreams like that

Paint My Walls!

I dislike all the puddy hole filling I must do only to find more while I am sanding or painting.

I really dislike this great idea I had of painting every room in my house. I really do.

I am on to the hallway now ........UGH!

then after that - the livingroom! SUCK

not to mention how much this is all reminding me so clearly that I was rear-ended last year. My lower back my spine.........sleeping is uncomformtable. Does he HAVE to sleep right there!

Maybe a wall fixing painting fairy will come and it will all be done one day when I get home ......................

dreaming is nice isn't it

It's my First Day!!!!

ACK!

and I have some very nice Zits on my face to make it real. Now what to wear......... ACK!

A Plan

He Does have a plan. He Does! he Does!!!

YaY!!!! I am excited and feel so much better. Awwww my romantic moment building man. I Love him soooo much. Even though he makes me crazy

Text Messages

you know what I don't get?

I don't get how it is that these woman that were accompanying these men - Tiger and Jesse - how is it that after Aaaallllll these years, they still have text messages on their phones from them??

I mean some of these bitches are coming out with messages from 2008!

one chick today has hired a lawyer saying she has 195 text messages to be exact. She Saved Them Alll!!!!

Why do you save them, unless you had always been planning to use them all along? or you are a creepy stalker? Not to mention HOW??? how do they save them. my phone gets pissed off with me and tells me its full so i hit delete and get rid of them all ......

i don't get it

What The Hell!

Ohhhh sooooo Yellow ........

Opsy

Boy Cats & Girl Cats

why does my boy cat feel the need to hump my girl cat?

THEY ARE BOTH FIXED

do cats have and enjoy recreational sex?

dreaming

I was working at the Jubilee last night.

Waht is the Jubilee you ask? it is a restaurant bar is what it is. (at least in my dream it was) I was there cuz Mountain was using their gym (its a dream - i don't get it either) and then he was going to be working in the kitchen for the night. I went cuz i did't have a kid and had nothing else to do.

so I got dressed and went. it was quiet at first and I couldn't help but notice the girl next to me was out of beer. So I asked her what she preferred (Kokanee lite-another wierd I know) they were out so i got her a Labatts instead ......... Bizaare. The beer fridge needed to be stocked but I couldn't do it. Even in my dreams i seem to know my limitations now.........punched her drink in on the archaic POS and went back to sit down. My back was aching. I wanted to serve more, but it was best I not push myself cuz my back was getting pretty owied stiff spine and you know how it is with serving ......... if you start with one table they just multiply so easily. So I sat and watched everyone get poorly served or not served at all ........Woke this morning with a very stiff back and a headache. WhaTTaYakNow!

however i miss serving. I miss the busy, the restaurant, the happy I create by feeding people........

ONE MORE WEEK!!!!!

Off I go to get more done in my kitchen!

BTW - how do I blow a fuse for the ceiling light when nothing has electrically changed? it was out, so i changed the bulbs only to find that the fuse was the problem. What The Hell!

Blog On

Moving Forward

I start my 9 week course on March 29th. 10 Days away!!!

at the end of it I will have two diploma's. 1 for General Insurance Level 1 and the other for ICBC autoplan! I have NO idea what to expect. My plan is to focus all my energy on doing well in the course.

YaY! Moving Forward. Finally, after months of research, report writing and waiting.

Mountain either moves forward with me or he doesn't. I hope he chooses to move with me. i do love him so very much and I really want to spend the rest of my life with him. In my future I I have a big reserved spot for him. So I will keep my fingers crossed that he finally gets "it". That he doesn't make purposeful choices that hurt me.

Having to make a "point" to the extreme just so he can get "it" is really not the way I want to go. Its goofy, juvenile, and very girly. But what else do you do when talking about it doesn't make the changes and pain keeps being the outcome?

Action. You take action!

So at the end of May, I will be done. Pounding the pavement and my keyboard for a job.

YaY!!

Blog On!

I GOT MY FUNDING

I AM GOING TO SCHOOL!!!!

ACK!

paint

the conversation went soemthing like this..................

I'm having a hard time deciding what paint to use. I will start with the kitchen cuz I will do a semi-gloss in there, but the hall? Should I use a flat / velvet or a semi in there? The walls are so bad, a flat will show everything. What do you think?

I think you should use a Gloss everywhere ----- insert blank stare here -----

Of Course its Not actually a Headache!

its a Migraine - Nice

St. Patricks day

my head she is hurting me today!

had a migraine for a couple days last week too. Ugh! my whiplash is being a jerk too. What the Hell!

its been a year since Mr. Ball's departure. I have been thinking of him lots. I miss him.

I woke with kitty's all over me. Purring like crazy. One on my right, up by my face purring and licking. The other on my chest purring and being comfortable. Surrounded!

Ball always slept on my left side. Up under the blankets, cuddled into my chest. He purred me to sleep every night.

Miss you ball and Love you!

getting "IT" and getting "IT"

I'm jsut frustrated. It's ok. Although I am sure you might find yourself frustrated as well, if you were in my shoes.

I know he's got it. the ring. Or he has the means to have it right this second and has for awhile. So where is it. and Why isn't it important enough to Make sure I have it?

Why do i need it? For exactly this reason. How he executes this says a lot about how the rest of my life with him will go. Its not a big huge expensive thing. I'm not greedy.

So did he get it, has it. Is he the one changing his mind? Maybe how I behave about it and let him see me behave is giving the same eaning to him as for me getting it ..........follow?

He has Never done this either. It can be scary and intimidating.

This was his first weekend off since New Years - why was it not priority?

proposing?

I can make the excuses that I know he will make for himself. Not having a weekend would be a factor for him. Stupid? Yes. but a factor him non-the-less. So accepting that as I did and have, I htought ...........now he's got a WHOLE weekend. He'll do something. He'll make it happen in some kooky way............. nope. I Went out with the girls and he hung with Charlotte.

He encouraged it! Fine. I don't get to go out EVER. So he was doing a really nice thing. and I thought ............ maybe on my pillow when I get home ............???????

He is a good man. Just slow, simple. Doens't get "it" andy "IT's" that "it" might be........he doens't get.

He loves me totally, wholly and completely. He is loyal and we intend to spend the rest of our lives together. I am good with that. That also being my intention. He loves Charlotte and is there for her. He is a good provider and makes sure we have what we need. What I am not good with is the fire that seems to go out for him to get stuff done! The lack of fire? The part where I have to explain or wait or wonder if he is going to get "it". His complete lack of forethought. the Forethought lack isn't that awful if he would just let me take the lead. But he fights me for the control. Understandable, him being the man and all. Which I stand aside and attempt to let him have, only to end up standing stagnant. Never standing alone - he is always by my side. He is good that way. But jsut standing, not moving forward or back or.......its wierd that he doens't notice....................

He is not good in control. He thinks he should be cuz thats what the man does. Or is supposed to do or..........he is just not good at it.......thats ok. Its not everybody's thing. Not a Big deal. Just accept it already and let me do what I am good at!

This being why I thought guiding him with the ring thing was going to help get us to the place we have been talking about for 2 years. Guess the part where all he has to do is give it to me was to vast for him to carry out.

It was even financially achievable! a couple payments and it was his!!

Maybe its time for me to get a sitter for Charlotte and open the door for him to propose? Make a reso for dinner, write out the script and then guide him thru that too???

I am frustrated with the waiting. How many more things am I going to have to unnecessarily wait for? and If he has another idea or plan or .......... letting me know would be great. making me wait till Christmas was acceptable, holding it till New Years? fine. Cruising to Valentines day? a little far off and long since the choosing of said ring was in November ....... but.........

I guess I am a - you say you are doing something then you do it - type.

I even left the door open for him to NOT go get the ring. To Not even look at it with me. He was the one that pushed to go see it. To get the sales-woman's card. He was the one tlaking to people I wish he hadn't about how he is going to propose to me............

SO??? HALLLOOOOOO!?!!!

Now its March - WHAT THE HELL!

I can't wait to go to school, get work and then be in control of my life again. Being this dependent is not my bag baby.

Mountain Man

and so he is simple?

now what ....

Daddy

my daddy!

he is so Great!

called me just now to let me know that he will give me a loan to go to school if my funding doens't come thru! I love my Daddy!!

the only sucky part about that is that, if I go to school, I lose my EI if I do it that way. So best to have the funding come thru!! Then i go to school and keep my EI

Fingers Crossed!

Brad Pitt

Has the world forgotten how Brad and Angie got together?

That he was a married man.

That not more than a week before Jen and He announced to the world they were splitting, they were vacationing, together, with their good friends the Arquette's. Has everyone forgotten the weeks prior when Anniston and Pitt shared giggles and secrets in public. Has everyone forgotten?

Brad and Jennifer were the Golden couple .................

In Limbo & Terified

Its a little known fact taht I have some low self esteem in some areas. In most things I am insecure and I battle depression every day since I can remember. I used to have wicked anxiety, but its not so bad anymore. The Pinks did help to distinguish some of it.

There is nothing like being told or figuring out, that you are not good at things. Or qualified to do somehting. Or when you work really hard to get somewhere and don't. This has happened to me. I am sensitive. I am sensitive about it. I tried different things. Some things I failed at. Others i found that I could do, but lost myself and became miserable or angry. I am scared to not be happy or content as my mind plays tricks on me.

It can be very dangerous for me to be unhappy, depending on the tone of the unhappy. and that scares the Carp out of me.

I took a test at my non-course. It was just over an hour long. It was a bunch of different little tests. It was to measure aptitude. It was a straight measure. I had to do math on the fly, shape recognition, verbal ect. I did ok. I'll share the results in a moment. It was a straight up test to pop me into jobs that I would be able to do with the skills I possess. and Then the computer shuffles it all around and out of 995 suggested occupations 481 came up. Then we had to 'short-list' it with the personality tests we had taken. I am very social & support is important. The computer spit out 24 occupations --- Air transport Ramp attendant, ambulance attendant and paramedic, animal control officer, athlete, bus & streetcar driver, communication systems operator, companion (i read this as Hooker) door attendant, driver's licence Examiner, FOOD & BEVERAGE SERVER, Front desk Clerk (other than Hotel), Guest service attendant & Baggage Porter, Licenced Pratical Nurse, MAITRE D & HOST, nurse Aide and Orderly, receptionist, school bus driver, secretary (except legal and Medical), security guard, ship attendant, telephone solicitor and telemarketer, ticket taker & Usher, train service attendant, visiting Homemaker(i read this as Hooker that makes house calls) - -- that was my short list of 24 jobs.

my aptitudes were this

- General Learning ability *middle third

- Verbal aptitude * Top one-third

- numerical aptitude *bottom-third

- Spatial perception *Top one-third

- Form Perception *top 10%

- Clerical perception *top one-third

I use humour a lot to get me thru stuff. I like to find the funny. Its important for me to find the funny and the lite side of things. The part of stuff that is positive, as I can sink like a rock really fast when I don't.

That short list upset me. Especially when it went me right back in the direction I came from and can no longer do. So I read hooker in a couple of them just to perk up my spirits.

I have applied for so many jobs and been called for the ones that are sales commission based.

I am still looking for work and applying, but I am being sparing now because i am waiting to hear about my funding for school. There is also Not a whole lot out there. This is a small town in which we live and I know so many people in it. Getting hired and then having to quit will not be good. Going on interviews for jobs I have no interest in is bad too. and being sent the nice form letters, that in not so many words tell me I am a loser really isn't good for me.

ive been wearing my big girl panties a lot lately and they've been holding up pretty good as i step waaay out of my comfort zone, but I am scared they are going to burst!

my Sister got on me yesterday about getting a job. I told her I was looking, but not going hard as I am waiting to hear about my funding. I tried to explain to her that once I know if I have funding or not then it makes a difference on how I am applying. I mean, if I don't get funding, I apply for anything and everything. Right now I am being kinda picky, not that I have much choice, but in my head I do. She got irritated with me. I can understand that. But I couldn't help but think, can't you hear me?

I didn't want to tell her how devestating it is to look at all these jobs and see diploma required. For a receptionist? WHAT! or for a lot of the office jobs, they want you to have gone to school for business courses or EXPERIENCE or something. They have initials in the job descriptions and requirements that don't mean anything to me. I had been applying to them anyhow since November; At the end of January i got called for an interview. Now this was the part that sucked. I got called because the person recognized that I worked at Madison's and knew who I was. (that part was good) they were excited cuz i was really good at my job there and they thought there would be no reason i wouldn't be good at my job in their office. I am bubbly and cheerful! Guess what - i have no experience. The amount of training I was going to need was not an option.

i felt as though i made an ass of myself in front of one of my peers. I am sure this person went back and told their co-workers.

not in a snickery way, but just told them i was in and too bad i have no experience. Word travels. I know it does and people talk.

After that I thought. You know, had I already been to school and at least had soemthing more on my resume other than foodsafe, ECE & SIR ....... they may have invested the time in training. If i had listed my 2 Diploma's I hope to achieve in the next few months, i may have not been such a risk. Even if it isn't in insurance. Now, That office won't look at me again.

Tons of Common-sense, but what is that good for? Life-skills up the yingYang - once again ............ oh yah! I used all that and honed it when I was serving ......... right ........ you don't see common-sense or life skills on any list of job requirements.

Try to explain that to my Sister.

She says, just tell them you are waiting for school. They'll understand. Isn't it good that they know you? Not Always -

I am not looking for the throw away retail or restaurant, coffee shop job. I am unable to do them now. This really is a small town and people talk. I can't afford to offend a potential boss by taking a job and then 3 wks later quitting! Especially if I DON'T get a job in an Autoplan office and need to make nice with those people in May/June to be employed.

"Hi. My name is Kristi. I am Not qualified and I am here to waste your time"

Its bad enough I fucked over my opportunity at Sears. In the back of my mind I keep thinking of that. My resume has a big black mark on it. They won't look at me again. Not that it was THE place to work, but it was and is a good company. And would have been a for now job, or a forever company - and i wrecked it by accepting an interview way back in November. She wanted to hire me and i had to say no. There was too much lifting and stairs ....... i was honest. I never should have been honest. She wrote BACK INJURY on my resume.

Not to mention the shots my self-esteem is receiving from the interviews and the resume's I've put out there that haven't gotten any response ........I didn't want to tell her that either.

is it better to let her think I am just sitting here day after day doing nothing? kinda, not really, no.

Is it better to tell her I have sent out 2 dozen resumes over the last months or so and heard nothing. Is it better to tell her, yes i have been on interviews, but those jobs weren't right for me. Or I couldn't do them? NO. Is it better to tell her that i am looking and there is nothing I am qualified to do. Is it better to tell her how frightened and scared i am that I won't get hired. That I won't find a job. Taht nobody wants me? NO. That is definitely not a good thing to tell her. Never show weakness to my Sister or my Mother. They dive into the wound with a bag of salt!

Is it better to tell anyone that I am scared to go to school and fail. That my learning abilities are what i knew and know they are. I don't learn easy. I had to pour EVERYTHING I had into college before. To graduate high-school ......same thing. Its a real truthful struggle for me. What If I get this funding, get to school, and Fail?! I mean its just not an option, but what if I do even though I am giving it my all!!!

or what if afterwards i go with my diplomas, clenched tightly in my fist and nobody will hire me?! I am so terified.......

So here I sit.

going over Job banks. Searching for a job I am able to do. Something I can just work at hoping today is the day i hear from the ministry about my funding. So I can stop sending out a resume here or a resume there. Hoping that the light I see way off in the distance isn't going to burn out. Keeping my head up and checking my big girl panties for pulled seams that are coming apart ...........telling myself ........ everything happens for a reason. WAtch for the humor. Enjoy your time off with Charlotte. Always a Silver lining. My job will come, but it won't if I don't try ...........

I am vulnerable

Sleeping & Dreaming

What a busy night i had last night.

my Dreams were so real I know i barely slept. Especially when I was in my dream trying to find a place to sleep. So tired. These 5 o'clock mornings are really starting to bite this week. I think the combo of how early and the allergies is just kicking my ass. I go to bed by 9:30 every night.

but my dreams last night.......been up for a bit to see the man off so thye have faded .....but......it was my wedding day.

i didn't know. My parents decided to surprise me? not sure. That part is unclear. My dress hadn't been fitted. That much I know. Shari got to my parents at 10AM. I was still sleeping or just getting up. Thats when they told me i was getting married that day. When? What time? I was tired and my hair would have to be done ........ make-up. My make-up wasn't there! Shari pinned my dress for me. The yard wasn't how I hoped it would be. When were people getting there? I din't want my wedding to happen till 4! Everyone will see me looking like.........THIS! These safety pins look horrible. I needed my dress to be fitted. ( i never did get a look at the dress. All I know is that it was white and lots of lace. Didn't seem like anything I would wear! but it was the one there. Turns out I never picked it!! who Did?) I don;t have a maid-of-honor or shoes! I have to go to Bellingham.

Now this is strange cause I NEVER go to Bellingham. A barely cross the border. But for some reason it was important for me to get to Bellingham to get shoes.

it suddenly struck me half way there that I could get a new dress too & makeup. Was there time? What was I thinking. There is no time to Drive to Bellingham!!! So back I came. It was going to take an hour at least to curl my hair. And then what was i going to do with it? I'm so sleepy. Isn't there time to have a nap? I cna't remember that hairdo I saw that I liked ........... people are arriving! Where's Charlotte? I need her. Where is she? Oh thank-goodness Charlotte looks good. I hold her and wrap y arms around her. She has a very important role.

Why isn't Steph here? Oh She's with Shari trying to make my bouquet? here use this glue gun. Lyle just found it in the shed. - Ummm ok. My Sister is late!! WE can't start! did anyone even tell her?! What do you mean Tom is in the river?

Why is my mom being so snarky!! Stop looking at me like that!!!

the dishwasher was full of dishes that were full of food! What The Hell!

I didn't lose the wieght I wanted to lose before this day could happen. ACK! my make-up isn't done! Where's my gold eyeshadow? Damn it - i don't have mascara. my hair is just hanging there! not enough time to curl it all. I gotta put it up! i have safety pins in my dress! This is horrible!!! but at least I am holding my little girl.

I woke up. Not very rested at all and realizing I gotta find that hairdo I liked that I saw in a mag a few weeks ago.

It'll be so nice when 5 o'clock mornings are over and 6 days a week work is done.

Off I go to march for 20 and burn that fat! Gotta be ready for my surprise wedding. Apparently it can happen any time!

The Restaurant

dreamin' about working.

I miss working in the restuarant. I can't believe the choice has been taken from me. If i won millions, I'd so buy myself a restaurant.

Single Mother

I have such a hard time with women that pull out the single mother card.

Yes you are single and you are a mother, but you are not single parenting.

24/7 is very different from 24/3.5 or 24/4.5 one week and 24/5 the next.

or even unmarried and shacked up. When I applied for my funding i was being asked if I was a single mother.

I used to be. I'm not now. How do I answer that?

I said, i am not married.

I've had help with Charlotte for 2 years now. and Now I have 24/7 help with Charlotte.

Help being someone here. Someone to bounce stuff off of. Someone to once in awhile say, don't argue with you mom! Even if its very little - its a HUGE difference.

If you've never done it on your own, there's No way you'll understand that.

Being a parent is hard. Being a single 24/7 parent is hard. Really, really hard. Keep in mind - in my situation - i did choose it. I mean, its not like the man suddenly up and died or left me or.......well he did leave me, but I had thought of that so I was already prepared. I signed up to be the single parent. Most don't. I honestly feel bad for the woman taht signed on to be a mom with a partner only to have the partner leave .......... YiKES! That would be even Harder I think. You didn't sign on for that! your whole life changes. Possibly even your job! Then you might have to share or want to share and they don't and jsut the sudden; being on your own with kid! Not EVER having that been the plan. At least I was mentally prepared.

It has lots of bonuses though. one of them being - I NEVER have to share her. Never. I can plan anything for anytime because I know she will be here. Or I don't get to plan stuff because i know she will be here.

In the olden days, had I not had her every weekend I would have had a much better social life. HECK I would have had a social life! I would have probably worked thru them guilt free. Taht would have been nice. Guilt free. Working, late even - guilt free. What a concept.

I chose it. I lived it and I am Soooooo glad to be done that part of my life.

Its soo nice to have help. I am glad for my Lyle. I am grateful for him and I love him

HONEY DO LIST

Blinds for living room and 1 in the kitchen

finish Painting bedroom

Paint Hall

Paint Living room

Paint shed(s)

Stain Playhouse

fix Dishwasher situation

Paint front Porch

re-do pond Garden - New Trellis for there

Spray paint Lyle’s dressers

Spray Paint picket fence

re-do garden where Yellow Rhodo and azalea are

cut back shrubs by Lyle’s car - pull the one right out

Fence

re-dirt all gardens

Paint ceilings

New Doors - bathroom - kitchen - Charlotte

cobble stone path behind pond garden

NEW PATIO CHAIRS

this is the list so far of what I hope to accomplish in the next few months. Do you think I can do it!

I AM SO SELFISH I KNOW

Sometimes Pain is Bigger Than Love

this sucks -

check this out

http://www.vpike.com/

Potty Trained

here's soemthing that came up when i was at my Sister's the other day ............ my nephew ........ The Cob ......... who is 3 1/2 ............ is not potty trained.

and I don't mean, he wears underwear and has accidents. He is full on NOT going on the potty. They keep him in pull-ups and he shits himself. From what I understand, they haven't done anything that has to do with the potty with him. Not even trying ........

does that not seem odd to you?

What Do I Do

hmmmm - I am applying for work.

Don't know about my funding.

what if i get a job and then get my funding and have to quite my job! but what if I don't get my funding and I miss an opportunity? I don't want to piss anybody off and I don't want to miss out and..........This blows chunks of half digested cheese!

Finally Touched base with my Sister!

I got a visit!

So Sister had a really, really awful experience. Whether her C-section experience was the same, or worse than anyone else - I don't know.

Because of the nature of her hugeness it was a different section thats fersure. Bigger incision ect. Her lower placenta had to be dug out of her. When she got home she and her husband stared in horror at her tummy as they could see what looked like a gerbil running thru. Granted, this is not uncommon, but her doctor didn't prep her for this.......her tummy muscles have separated, not only down the center, but from the sides too.

In the hospital - neither she nor her husband were prepared for the onslaught of babies. He never left her side. Babies screaming and crying, no sleep, no milk coming in - the nurses taking the boys away and shutting sister's door forcing her to go to sleep. Huge amounts of pain meds. Horrible pain. Horribly stoned. The blood. The incision. Not being able to move out of bed. Peeing in a bag. Bruising from under her boobs down. Nurses supplementing babies in the hospital with formula - soothers. The nightmare of trying to come home and not being able to get into the van ........... calling the hospital and being told they will have to come in to emergency ......... Told to call an Ambulance........... They didn't.........Missy trying to get into the van to go to the hospital because she could touch her intestines.......baby's not latching, not wanting her, not wanting to nurse. Sister having a lactation nurse come twice to help her ......... The nurse saying they shouldn't have had the soothers in the hospital - nipple confusion has occurred.

Sister is doing much better now. Quite honestly, i think it was THAT scary cuz she didn't know. She wasn't prepared for what could happen. Her doctor didn't seem to have prepped her. She didn't seem to prep herself ..........And for as much as she was in to see the doc - you'd think the doc would have noticed the tearing muscles and explained to her what it all meant. How she was going to be after. Even in Missy's drugged state, she should have been told in the hospital after the surgery. How awful for her! I can't imagine how freaky any of that is.

and i didn't know any of this. I didn't have a clue that any of it was going on. My mom there - every day - every step of the way. never telling me even when i called. or when she called.

Jack is a wee bit jaundiced. The boys look great. They are good babies. Only fussing when they need to. They are feeding now. Any other woman would have given up I think after hearing what she has been going thru trying to nurse these boys. But Sister is persevering and making it work for her and her kids. Good For her!

She has the sore nipples we all get in the first 2 weeks of nursing. I told her it gets better. Cuz it does. The let down doesn't eventually hurt as much and the nipples get used to it. your body gets used to what it needs to produce. Keep going and keep drinking lots of water and eating and she'll do great. Still hasn't gotten the tandum down. But I think that is gonna just be too hard. When i went back to work part-time regular basis I was still nursing. My body knew when to produce milk and when not too. it was pretty amazing. I was on a routine and my body went right along with it! I loved nursing!

So anyhow ......... my mom ........ i am still hurt - angry. I am hurt that i didn't know. I am mad at myself for being hurt. Mad at myself for being a pissy pants for not being able to go and not knowing what was going on. Mad that I didn't know. Hurt that my mom didn't tell me!

Should i have pushed more?

When i was there yesterday, it was really weird. My mom was really weird. I've never known her like this before. It was like she was in competition with me? Very odd. She made sure to mention and talk about all hers and my Sisters experiences over the last week and a bit ........ which was kinda normal, but not. She brought up stuff that was not even part of the conversation. Kinda like she was flaunting it. Making sure I knew she'd been there EVERY day since the boys were born. It was a strange behaviour. Lyle said she is threatened. Maybe? All i know is taht I felt very out of place. I stayed for an hour and left. My Sister was good - but there was a strange vibe coming off my mother. and I couldn't register it.

I was good at keeping my mouth shut as sister told me stuff taht the nurse had said to her about the tongue clipping and nursing. All stuff I had quipped off to my mom on that phone call the other day. My mom shutting me down telling me I don't know what I am talking about. maybe thats why she didn't tell me how bad its been for Missy?

no - I'd called days before that asking questions. It was a very friendly call to which mom said nothing .......

i dunno ......

i feel better but hurt in a different way now. Except still for the same thing, kinda......

my mom Told me.....

- they've clipped Max's tongue. WHAT! he wasn't nursing very well. HUH?

Then I see pics of the babies in the hospital - fresh from the O.R. before my Sister has even been wheeled back yet ----- SOOTHERS IN THEIR MOUTHS!

and everyone there have a great time cuddling and holding the babies - before my Sister!

Sister did mention that when I spoke with her. She was pretty pissed and I don't blame her one bit.

Please don't Ask

cuz I wouldn't know

Wanted: New Mom & Sister

Mom - mid 60. doesn't tell me my feelings are stupid and see's me for who I am, not who she assume's I am. Doesn't avoid her own feelings. and Stands up for what she believe's in, instead of avoiding situations all together.

Sister - early 30's. Doesn't belittle or snub me during important events. Doesn't purposely hurt me. Isn't so insecure that lashing out and isolation become a way of life.

respect for one another - all of us

Valentine Babies

Maxwell Allen born at 10:07PM - 6lbs 6oz

Jack Tomas born at 10:09PM - 5lbs 9oz

Born via Section. Spoke to Sister at 1AM she called ......told me not to come.........she says Jack is little and has lots of hair and Max is big and bald! She was feeling pretty rough when she spoke to me. Nauseous and peeing in a bag ect..........so I am not sure when I will be welcome to go. Sounds like my parents were there. Her husband and them met the boys before she did........

She also told me that when they opened her up ...... Jack had the cord wrapped around his neck twice and Max had it once.

Hope my brother in law goes home soon. I've had the dog since SAturday - she is depressed and needs to be home now.

Blog On

OKAY

SHE'S IN!!!

IT'S GO TIME

8AM

ok - she goes in at 8 this morning.

i won't be going till after charlotte's out of school.

i have class, then an interview type thing at noon, an assembly at 12:45 .......kid is out at 2:20 - then off to the hospital I will go!

The olympic ceremony's start at 4! I gotta see that! i think Sister was getting a TV just to be able to watch. So I'll keep y'all posted