MOTHER

Being the mother of a teenage girl may not be the best role for me

Stupid!

Frig - I hate it when I am stupid with money.

ERG!!!!

I have been over spending.  For awhile.  It is caught up with me.  Soooo frustrating!  So now I must be punished.  So back to old school budgeting for me.  The only money I get to spend is what is in my wallet.  No more bank cards.  No more credit ...... paycheques go in and only the $$$ i am alotted to spend on groceries comes out of the joint.  As for my own account - what ever is left over from the automatics that come out - will liquidate as well.  When the wallet is empty - that's it.  and That's just how its going to have to be - I have been a bad bad girl

Life is What it Is

Here we sit, 10 days before birthdays.  10 days till I turn 43 and my beautiful daughter turns 14 - WoW - i miss that chubby little ball of energy.  Now she is a budding woman.
We are still trying to sell the house.  My dreams of space and a 2nd bathroom on hold.  My sister called yesterday to asked if I could take the boys for the weekend.  I of course will!  I don't, however, like the reason.  They are going to look at a house on the island.  Bowser to be exact.  There are so many, many reasons why this upsets me.  Yet I understand why she would go look and also why she would entertain the thought of making a new life there.  Her husband making the attempt to move his business ......... that would be the biggest gamble.  They need an income -
It was bad enough when my brother moved away - he has of course been in contact with her to share his experience of raising his children away from their grandparents.  The sadness he feels that his kids don't have relationships with us, with their grandparents.  He is grateful to have a cuzn' close by and a long lost aunt which made the transition easier in the beginning, but then they started a family,  That's when they really felt it.
In the end Sister must do what i right for her and her family.  A big house and acreage is awesome - i can totally understnd why they would want to do this. I will support her in whatever she decides.  She is my sister and I love her.  But she might as well be moving to California or Alberta for how far she will be

Amazing People

and then there are more amazing people than I am.   BrillliNT

Copulation

So tell me, what is the point of sex, intercourse, Fucking unless it is to pro-create?

Tell The Receptionist .......

......... that you are a Rapid Respiratory Patient .................

Okay, don't like the sounds of that .................

LISTED!!!

Fungus in my Lung?

Saw the respirologist yesterday.  That was interesting.  Huge outpatient medical center in Surrey.  WoW!  I had to do a handful of breathing tests.  Then I got to see the specialist.  He shoed me the CT  I had last fall.  That was cool.  There is stuff in there.  So he tossed some info at me.  Some could be's.  Things he is thinking.  I am going for MORE blood work. Between my fertility bloodwork and my lung bloodwork I must have only a couple litre's of blood left racing around my veins trying to cover it all.
This new set of lung bloodwork is looking for Fungus.  Yes fungus.  He is thinking it may be, which would explain my heightened allergies over the last few years.  He also tossed out  there the obvious damage and scar tissue that he could see.  The asthma I most definitely have.  But Fungus - I googled.  Fungus in my lung will suck.
He wanted to send me for a new fangled Fancy CT - i told him about the fertility testing we are beginning and how I have only 1 good ovary.  Even at that, its not working all that shit hot.  So no more CT.  he figures he can get what he needs from the bloodwork.  If not - we have to CT up later.  Later being, either after husband and I have a flesh nugget or after we have given up on having a flesh nugget.  We will see.
So yes - I am possibly growing mushrooms in my lungs.  How much does that suck?!!

Hot Lungs

my lungs - the thing that is in them - I can feel it.
by the evening, these last few days, my breathing is hot.  My lungs feel hot inside.
My blowing is weak.  I am tired by 8.  I told Lyle that if I get real bad to just take me to the hospital.  Don't leave it up to me, just take control and take me.  I have a Very solid habit of making things not as bad as they really are in my head.  We know its not cancer - we assume it's scar tissue, but does scar tissue act like this?  I think there is more to it than that and I need to find out what.

House For Sale

So all we have left to do is the ceilings.  Oh and some baseboards here and there
Everything is painted!  YaY!
Had my Real Estate agent over yesterday to see what we had done and get her take on things.  She wants to list by the end of the month.
ok.
What if it actually sells?  We are not in a position to buy.  Yet if we don't try to sell now, pad rent just keeps going up, we are at more of a risk of not getting what I want for this place.  This place is the equity I need for a down payment on a house.
Yet if we sell, we have to be out.  The new owners would want to live here I am sure.  Where will we go.  Man keeps saying we will rent.  Great.  Finding a place to rent with 2 cats and 3 people is gonna be harder than he thinks.  Then what about the playhouse?  We don't want to leave it here.  He worked so hard on it.  it's Charley's.  Where do you keep a playhouse for a year?
Maybe we need to wait to list - I don't know

Anniversary

My parents anniversary is next monday - 47?? years I think. I am having a dinner for them here this Saturday. I look at the ups and downs they have been through in their lives. How they grew up together. High-school sweethearts. It makes me happy for them and envious. My sister has the same thing with her husband.

I realize Lyle and I will never be married that long. I can't imagine being alive to see our 47th anniversary. Till death do us part ...... will we even make it 10. The less I drink, the less we have in common the more he irritates me. Its not his fault, he is who he is. and He is a great man. We have the same goals ......... i think. House, children, savings account? The difference is, I set about to make it happen. Why do I have to drag him or carry him like a lead weight with me? I have let him lead ............ i guess that's the thing about the engagement period and the planning of a wedding. The old myths are true. That's the time when you see just what your future spouse is all about.

Spring and Allergies

Spring is so beautiful. All the cherry trees blossoming the yellow flowers everywhere you look. Trees and their leaves happily growing and opening. The first cut grass getting outside and turning soil. It's so wonderful. I love it. My body however, believes it all to be enemies. I spend springtime stoned or sick. Having allergic reactions as badly as I do can leave me bed ridden. My eyes constantly watering, my nose. the only thing to do there is ball up kleenex to use as a plug. I get swollen. Everywhere. My skin gets blotchy and dry and bumpy so it looks like I have acne, the feeling like there is a hair dangling at the back of my throat, behind my eyes inside my head itches, inside my nose itches. It's all gross.

Drugs can take the edge off, but they can leave behind their own bad side effects. Dry mouth, groggy, wieght gain, tired - yes, even the non-drowsy. I still can't figure out why they call them non-drowsy, cuz I feel like poop when I take them. The allergies make me so tired I could sleep standing up, but these little bastards won't let my eyes shut, even though I'm so exhausted I am drooling. Ridiculous!

and Then if its a food allergy - OMGosh!!! I gotta say - that is nasty. Toss in all of the above and add an itchy scalp, possible itchy palms or bottoms of the feet. That itchiness takes over from the eye, throat and nose itch. And Drugs do not help At All! A food allergy, i just to drink PILES of water, go to bed and ride the wave.

I am allegic to so many foods now it is really getting upsetting. Sour cream! yup - seems I react the next day. Oh yes - that is the other thing, with food allergies (unless they are life threatening) they get you the next day. So its really hard to pinpoint What The Hell is going on. It took me years to figure those out. Like being allergic to celery - that one sucks - it actually scares me so much i swear away from it. I have an immediate reaction. That meaning, my tongue itches, my throat closes. Acually, you can feel it swelling all the way down to your stomach. The bottoms of my feet immediate itch as well as my palms. It is freekin scary. Then to boot. My body is not finished with me. If i make it thru that part of it, it kicks my ass the next day with Xtreme hay fever. So Celery is a 2 ay love affair with an alergic reaction. Nice right?

Turns out, there are a few raw veg i need to stay away from now yet I can manage cooked.

Eggs are not my friend. Which sucks because I love eggs. Sometimes I can eat them during the dead of winter and be ok. Weird I know, but its because it doesn't have another allergan to team up with, but i have to be really careful cuz I haven't figured out what its team mates are yet. Almonds, almonds have become an enemy. Did you know most granola bars have almonds and lots of my fav cereals. ERG! so because of the recent sour cream discovery, i am now staying away from yogurt. *sigh*

Rye, Rum, and other high sugar booze - give me hives, nice i know. There are some wines that do it to me.

Mostly i am just writing this for myself. Document you know. But all of this makes the excercise thing hard. When you feel like you have the flu most days .......

but the walking has been happening still and it is good. Walked to work yesterday! Alvin got a little pissed off so today i will just do the block. I will lose this 20 i've managed over the last 5 years. It will be slow, but it will go! Allergies or not.

On the bright side, pretty soon I won't have anything to eat that doesn't give me a reaction, so the starving thing will work wonders i am sure

Hydroxcut

So now I am allergic to that!

how many things can I possibly have a reaction to?

Suffered beyond any normal allergic reaction all day yesterday. Forced to take a sick day. It was awful. Sneezing like crazy. so much taht my lats hurt today and I think I have minor whiplash.

So what is it in the dietary pill that I might react to? Could be passionflower, maybe they use an egg as a binding agent ...... dunno....... but those are being tossed. So much for cheating to get my metabolism kick started.

I think I am allergic to sour cream now too. This sucks! Eggs, sour cream, cedar trees, celery raw carrots ...... the list just goes on. My body thinks everything is an enemy

1, 2, 3

When is it that you realize you drink too much?

Who is it that tells you?

is it yourself. the voice inside your head that tells you to put that bottle there and this bottle here ......

is it your husband

is it your child

is it your family

what about your friends

what if you know but really just don't want to stop forever because you remember what it was ike before. That was worse than it is now. Is it? thinking back. Is it?

Remember the nights alone. The social evenings out (not). The clumsy. Yup - you can tell when I am sober. Can't form a sentence without stumbling over words and trip over my own feet.

but ..........

Fraud

I have a girlfriend who has lied and made bad decisions her whole life. Over the last few years it has all been catching up to her.

Now her latest web of lie's may land her in jail for tax fraud.

She's been living with her boyfriend for at least 10 years. She's been claiming single the whole time. Someone reported her and she has just lost her monthly disability check. They are investigating her. That is the quick version. I am sick for her when I think about it.

I think about the bill I got a few months ago for Child Tax and GST becaseu now I am married - and that was only a few months. Hers ............ and she was collecting for 3 kids!

The scenario's that are going on in my head from this are making me dizzy.

So ungood

Tax fraud is huge - the government doesn't like that

WTF TEACHERS!

cut and pasted this off the net -

BCTF leave proposals include an increase in preparation time (non-teaching time for lesson preparation) to 25 per cent of a teacher's assignment.

There would be two additional days for report cards. Each teacher would receive one hour per student for preparing interim reports.

There is a logic there which recognizes that a teacher's work is not confined to the classroom, although somebody else would have to be paid to be in the classroom and no professional's work is ever done within fixed hours.

But there's more. Up to 10 days of paid leave would be granted for the death of a friend or any relative plus two days for travel.

Eight days per year of paid discretionary leave would also be available.

Sick days could be claimed at the rate of two per month (now 1.5) plus five days per year for chosen professional activities and five more days of paid leave to meet responsibilities for care, health or education of a child or "any other person."

Sick leave alone, without any increase, is already an enormous unfunded liability that sits like the proverbial tectonic fault line under the shaky surface of all school district budgets.

Here's the problem. A teacher who takes all their sick leave (plus any of the other proposed leaves) each year, would theoretically be out of the classroom for many days each year, during which time the employer would, again, presumably pay a second teacher to do the same job.

There's a proposed provision for 26 weeks of fully paid leave for direct or indirect compassionate care to (and I quote) "any person." That would be 130 more days with the same job being paid twice.

A teacher who chose to take the 26 weeks (130 days) of "fully paid leave per year for direct or indirect compassion-ate care to any person," plus all the other leaves could theoretically be on leave for more days than there are in the 190-day school year.

Read more: http://www.vancouversun.com/news/Many+teachers+uncomfortable+with+their+union+demands/588113

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I think i want a divorce

New Routine

I've said it before and I will say it again.

This time we are doing it a bit different. I have decided to try something I've never done before, meal replacement. The chicks on all those commercials do it. So I have signed up for the 90 day challenge with Body by Visalus. We'll see how it goes. So far I have learned soemthing I suspected all along, my family makes me fat. Especially the husband part of it. Its how we eat. I cook always healthy foods, but somewhere along the way, I have added a potato, purchased a bigger cut of meat, needed more pasta to complete the casserole - do you follow. Then if, I say IF there are leftovers, for some reason, they must get find their way in to my lunch. Because Of course, I need to eat lunch/dinner at work and NO food should go to waste.

Well now - I am hoping with this new job, that a new healthier routine will be found.

I make a shake in the morning, have it through-out the morning, through first coffee. Currently, my lunch break is at 12:30 - so left overs I can have. Only a little bit though. Just because the thing I take it in is so big does not mean it has to be full. (its a mind thing) and just because I brought it, does not mean i have to finish it. Old school parenting of finishing what you take - eat it or it will go to waste, echos through my head on a constant. Thanks mom and dad. Then second coffee, more shake. Then home to have a 6:30 dinner! it can work right? if I feel the need to snack before my 9:30 bedtime, popcorn or rice cakes are always my go to.

As this routine takes on a life of its own, maybe a quick work out can happen in the AM?

i have a dream of being able to walk to work once the weather gets better and I am not driving Daughter to school. If I could walk 3 days a week - that would be just what I need to get that slowing metabolism up.

So in theory, i can do this - it will be good - it will work and I can find a happiness with my body again. Be comfortable in my skin? what a wonder that would be after so, so long

Onward and Upward!

New Job

It was an accident. I wasn't looking. The wind literally blew me in ..........

I felt so dirty when I left his office. Like I'd cheated on my husband. but I was safe, cause I was going to Disneyland. He couldn't contact me and by the time I got home he would have forgotten about me?

I realized, while in California, I need this. I need to go after this. My family needs me. Look at the Fucked up dynamics going on between my daughter and him. Me and him. My daughter and I! What the Hell!

This stops now! This stops here. Granted, 13 is what it is, but I see shadows of things ..........

the next day after the plane landed I called .........

I start my new job February 15th!

No More Nights! Never On Sunday! or Holidays! and a pepper of Saturdays through out the year!

YaY!

and we are off!!!

California - Disneyland - here I come!!!!

Charley started a period last night - I have been on and off weirdAss spotting and Husband is gonna try to quit smoking ..............

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

It's gonna be Awesome!