Message in a Bottle

I am ordering some wine to build tomorrow.  

That is it.  Seems to me they owe me a batch as well, so I will order two!
it will be ready in 6 weeks to bottle and i will be batched up for the season.  Ready to entertain!  Christmas Liquor still sitting in my cabinet.  I know.  Its crazy but its true.
The house is just sitting.  No one has come to look thru it or called in ages.  
that is ok, we will continue on.  I have killed the moss, so it looks like hell out there, but that is ok.  Time to cut the grass and get the gardens turned!  Spring is upon us.  Time for a crisp glass of white and warm weather for my face!  
who's joining me?

Blog On!

so want to kick back with a glass of Pinot Grigio.  

First real cravings I've had since New Years.  the 3 mnth mark is the cincher.

for me .................. it's the 15 lbs promise.  It's been "10 to go!" for awhile.
What is with that anyhow?  Did I not drink as much as I thought I did?  
I really believed that once I switched off the booze and got rid of potatos out of my life, the inches would seriously melt away.  I'm not gonna lie, this is very disappointing.  Obviously that is the reason breaking my promise to myself, or re-thinking it, is consuming my mind these days.
i think that once I am outside digging around and working in my yard some more will peel off.  Salads for lunch, cucumbers instead of starch with dinner .......... its gotta pay off right?
I have tried 10 min of marching on the spot in the AM just to find that my body is still angry from the accident.  So I have been searching for my yoga book.  Charlotte gave me the most amazing Yoga book a few years ago.  I obviously can't do weight baring excercises, so Yoga?  Maybe if I stretch the fat out it will look better?

Where the Hell is that Book?!!!

Time Machine

If you could go back in time to  specific spot in your past, what would you choose?

I would choose to go back to the spring of 2002, when Mr Big and I first started dating.  To the day he told me it wasn't going to work between us anymore than just friends.  I was good with it.  I mean ya, it hurt - but we had only been dating a very short time and I was good with it.  then I talked to my brother.  Then my dad, who told me to make it work ................. so I fought for it.  I wish I never had.  The continuation of that dead relationship killed me in the end and brought me to this place.  Not taht this place is a bad place, but there are some things ...................  maybe the place I am in now, trying for a baby and buying a home with my husband would have been happening a few years ago.   Perhaps had I not spent so much time being trapped by my own emotions, I would have continued on in a more healthy way.  Spent those years investing that time with someone that loved me.  Or just on my own.    Maybe I never would have started drinking again...............
I wonder how things would be now if I had just continued to let that relationship be as I had wanted to.  Over.  Kept my dignity and pride in place and not allowed myself to  be used for the next 3 years after that.   Trapped by the fear of being alone.
There are no do overs in life.  No Re writes.  I knew at that moment, when it was happening, that it was a turning point.  I had had them before.  I was in a strong place and was able to just let it go with minor emotional injury.  I listened to people I trusted..............I was wrong.

Time does run out.  There is not always tomorrow or later

Trigger and Intercourse

Well, got shot this AM.  We have triggered ovulation.
I only have the one follicle (18mm) and it has taken a far too long time to mature.  We will try good old fashioned intercourse for the next 3 days.  I will spend my nights sleeping on my head.  What fun!
So been thinking about wine and how much I would like to hide in a glass.  then I remember the promise I made to myself.  15lbs............. besides the whole trying to conceive thing.
Told my office manager today what I've been up to.  The tests.  The shooting up.  The invasive up my hoohoo ultrasounds.  She was good.  Teared up a little.  I am not sure if that is becasue she was touched I was sharing it with her or about my situation.  Anyhow, I needed to.  Its getting hard with appointments to keep things straight at work.  Quite honestly, with the amount of supplements I am on and the hormones coursing thru my body I am kinda loopy.  My memory is stupid, I am tired and I get vertigo from time to time.  Oh and emotions.  I get a wee bit pissed off every once in awhile over stupid shit.  Could be that I am just sober, or it could be the hormones.  Don't know.
So I keep praying.  For a miracle.  To win the lottery.  That our house will sell for what we want for it.

Blog On

Egg Update

Friday was limbo day.
Small eggs.  left had one and the right had a couple small ones.  I muddled thru the weekend.  Thru the wedding where all the speeches contained something in them about the bride and groom procreating pronto!  All I could think of, what if they can't.  I mean, she is 38 he is 43.  they might not be able to, what horrible pressure is being put on them.
I had to go back this AM to see what if anything my eggs had done something.
The left one had.  It is growing.  slowly, but it is growing.  The left not so much.  he wants me back on Wednesday morning.
I can feel the left fighting to be heard this moment.  Is it worried it will be left out?
the oh so mild flashes of warmth, did their damage.  Up till this AM I was still not sure if they were hot flashes or not they were so mild.  Was it the tea?  Now I Know, it was my declining hormones.
The flashes are gone and have been gone for a few days now.
So now I am left to think. 
Do we go forward.  My Ovary Dr seems to think we do, even with just one.  My concern being, how viable is the egg going to be if it is taking so much longer to mature than last mnth.  The damage of hormones to ovaries that are tired of working.  Do we forge ahead?  Do we call it on this cycle, save the $$$ from the IUI and use the little we have left from insurance to try with another cycle?  Or is Every chance just that - a chance?  Every chance could be our last one ............. Every chance could be 'the one'
If money was no object, this would not be an issue.
I pray for answers.  I pray for a miracle.  I pray that the eggs, all of them have a growth spurt.  I pray I win the lottery.

Blog On!

Sometimes Knowledge Makes us Sad

So tomorrow I go and see if I have eggs.
Tonight I googled.  I should never do that.  Makes me so sad to see the odds for women over 40 and the success rates of IUI.  I am so very disheartened.

If you are in your 30's and can't decide if you want children yet.  Or want to wait till you are financially ready, you are dumb.  Money will always work out and children, offspring, have a way of letting you know without a doubt you are ready.
Sometimes the choice is taken from you.
i didn't have the decision to make and then it was gone

i still pray that we will be blessed, that we will be part of the 2%.  The 1 out of 172

If we had money.  If money was not an issue, I would keep going till it worked.

this is our last shot, our last basket .................

it makes me sad

Priceless ..................

Today, my daughter told me,  "thank you for being cool" and gave me the biggest hug.

Was it because I bought her a new DVD player, or because we bought tampons togehter and she could talk to me about it?  I dunno

but it was a pretty awesome moment and I had to document it.

Hello to the left

My Left ovary sure is having a party.  Yikes - it is busy!
Bleeding appears to have ceased as of the moment.  
Now I will wait to feel if my right ovary chimes in .........
4 days till an egg hunt
no tenderness left overs this time so It will be a clean slate and I will have a better understanding of my bodies changes.  I look at this as good.

Sorry I couldn't answer the Phone, i was shooting up ...........

Yup, right back at it and trying again.
AF began late last monday so we called Thursday the 7th day 3.   Just finished my last shot this AM.  It has been a messy, messy AF.  Reminded me of the one in September.
but this time something is different and making me very nervous and slightly upset with my body.
I am still bleeding.  its a week later and still ........... i am trying to remember if it was like that in September and I can't remember.  I was taking that course.  I am scared that my body has gone back to what it did so long ago.................bleed for weeks on end.  Frig!  enter anxiety here ................
I am scared.  This is our last shot, and it caves because of my body?
Friday we find out if i have follies I am praying that my body and its estrogen, testosterone arguments haven't stepped it up and crush everything.  Husband is taking his One-a-day religiously as well as folic and Omega.  I am down to half a cup of coffee in the AM and got all my vitamins happening.  Primrose/E/folic/C/Calcium/Omega
I am not as body aware this time around.  Sort of trying to ignore what the potential is this time.  I am so, so scared that it is not going to happen.  So scared that my meno-pause is rearing its ugly head.  So scared that being scared will eff it up all on its own.  I am my own worst enemy?
I so want a little one, an extension of husband and I.  A bloodline for husband.  Then I think, if we had the money, I would keep doing this till we got one!  Yes - I would.  You gotta remember, our meds have been covered by husbands extended medical through work.  If it doesn't work this time, do we dive into my savings and try again?  I am tempted, oh so tempted.
Now its become a challenge.  A challenge I am determined to win!  That can be  very destructive.  then that scares me.  Do I want it so badly because I am being told I can't have it?  Is my mind reverting back to childhood?  Wanting something strictly because I can't have it?  That is somehting I can't self analyze right now.  I am to rooted in fear.
I dream about holding a littel fuzzy head under my nose and cuddling and being up all night and feeding and running and playing and teaching and disciplining ............. having my life consumed by a little person.  Looking into its eyes and seeing the generations looking back.  WAtching my husband with a genetic clone of himself and the joy it would fill his heart with.  WAtching him feel what it is like to have that after never having it.  His sister having it too .............
i pray that please body let us do this.  Please God, i know I haven't been the best in the last years past, I have done this to myself, but please I pray that we are blessed

What's Goin' On?

My boobs are less sore - I was suddenly Uber tired last night.  I NEEDED to go to bed or bad things were going to happen.  Still a BFN.
Really, not even one out of the 3?  REally?  3 strikes.  Fuck we're losers.
I know its still early - I know - but frig!
there is not enough for me to do to keep my mind off things.
Truythfully, I am very tired right now alos.  Is it an impending period or an embryo making me feel this way?  or depression?  too many questions.  only one answer and I don't know what it is.  So frustrating!

Feelings, nothing more than Feelings

WEll, I can't talk about this stuff on my peri-menopause blog anymore.  Because its supposed to be about my peri-menopause.  I document a lot of stuff there so I can go back and keep track of what's going on.
Going thru an IUI and now what is happening and all the stuff surrounding it isn't menopausal.
So here I write.
I was going to just step back and not talk about it.  but Its all that's in my head right now.
A week ago I had an IUI.  I took an HPT just to see that positive line show up right after.  Knowing it was a false positive.  If you have pee'd on as many HPT's as I have, you will do something just as crazy to see what it's supposed to look like.
I keep getting twinges.  It happens in the same spots.  One on the left, one on the right.  They are new since having this thing done.  My HPT is coming up negative now, that is to be expected.
I had one large follie on the left and two on the right during the Friday scan.
It can take anywhere from 12-24hours for an egg to be fertilized than up to 7-10 days for it to implant. The HCG doesn't show up in your system till the placenta starts growing.
So here I sit.  it'll be exactly 7 full days since turkey baster at 4:30 today.  24 hours out would make the latest fertilized hour the 23rd.  So 7 days out from that .............would be Wednesday evening, the 30th, at the earliest.  So Thursday morning I should test?
i am feeling that it didn't work for us.  i am feeling disheartened.  I am not good at this waiting.  Patience has never been a virtue of mine.  Will we try again?  I think so.  We are still covered for the meds on husbands plan, enough for one more go at it I believe. If the dr lets us.
If not even fertilization occurs this go 'round, I dunno.  I just don't know.
The what if fears are prevalent.  Going back to the beginning.  Starting with a freshy.  The time that will be needed to be invested.  All things i know very well.  I worry that husband is clueless to such things.  I worry that he really does not get that he will be footing the bill for everything if I am off work.  Will I be going back to work?  If we have Two I would have to say NO.  Daycare is insane!  The struggles that will be our parenting techniques. I have done this and I did it well,  The Queen who is now 14 is a reflection of that.  Will he allow me to take the lead easily?  Will I be able to accept his help?  will he interfere in the routines i put in place?  How will we survive?
if 3 come- well I can just stick my head between my knees and kiss my ass good-bye!
I happen to know I am amazing, and can handle a lot, but 3?!!  More than just a little bit would have to change.  My beautiful Blueberry being the first.
Oh yes, these are things I have been thinking about.
And if there is nothing.  WE are not blessed?  this is it.  This is our life.  Ok - well I get a dog.  I travel (husband doesn't care to) i decorate my home how I want and do more of the things that bring my spirituality back. I've lost it over the years.  There is not even room for Zen in this house.  I will wait for grandchildren.........we will be blessed in other ways.
What is meant to be will happen.  We will give it our best shot.
I have embraced folic acid and protein.  My wagon pulled up New Years day and I jumped on with bells.  I have done my best to make my uterus a happy, healthy place to grow.  If it doens't happen - there's really nothing more I can do.  Other than cut out my morning coffee.  I've cut down - but I never really have that much in the AM anyhow.  So I guess, now I just wait.  Wait two more morning pee's.  The third pee is the beginning of stick peeing.
I've got little pin head white head zits around my eyebrow.  That is usually a sign my period is on its way................. my boobs have been sore for 2 mnths now.  I just don't know what to think.  Yet last night, I noticed my urine was slightly darker and scented different.  Has been a sign in the past of pregnancy.  Nothing is normal.  Everything points to something and can be anything I want it to be.  The mind is a powerful thing.  I am doing my best to see/feel things exactly as they are and not to spin it.  That way I can be true to myself.  I hate not knowing what is going on!   ERG!

Blog On

Weddings

YaY!  Weddings.  Something to keep my mind off other things going on.
My Old boss is getting married Feb 16.  That is sure to be quite the extravaganza.  The shower alone had 30 women at it, and I happen to know, that was only a portion of the women coming to the wedding.
We have another wedding in April!  Yay.  A lesbian wedding at that!  how awesome.  So glad my girlfriend found a girl to spend the rest of her life with.
So now I have to find a dress to be able to wear to both.

well this is a boring post - and my brain has nothing more to add. Sorry folks - my attempt to not think about the other stuff that is so huge in my life right now is not working.
I will sign off and go wander thru some antique stores today

Excited for Friday

I am trying sooo hard to not be excited or look forward to friday.  but its so hard.
I feel stuff happening.  My body is reacting to the drugs.  I just don't know in what way.
I am scared that if I get my hopes up, and nothing comes of it .... again .... especially after the little things that are going on in my uterus that I can feel.  If the doc lets us try again will I you ask?  Yup - I sure as heck will!  I think we might have one more chance that is covered by our extended.  I'll do it fersure!
I gotta think about the negative stuff.  That is better.  Taht way the disapointment won't sting as much.
And even if i have a good outcome in my basket, then we have to go thru insemination.  That gets tricky.  Will his guys know what they are supposed to do in there.  There aren't that many, what if they get all insecure, like boys at a dance.  Too scared to be the first one on the dance floor?!  ACK!
Then there's if they get a dance - can I keep them dancing a good dance for 9 mnths???
The statistics are not Good.  I never should have educated myself.


its still so hard to not look forward to Friday ...........

Bed

What is the big deal.  I would like some space when I sleep.  So what that I am married.  I love my husband, but damn it.  Is it so wrong to dream of a king size bed.  A bed big enough so that I don't know he is even there.  I would even go as far as to dream of my own room.
Married couples that have been married for years often have separate beds and have some of the strongest marriages going.
I want space

MOTHER

Being the mother of a teenage girl may not be the best role for me

Stupid!

Frig - I hate it when I am stupid with money.

ERG!!!!

I have been over spending.  For awhile.  It is caught up with me.  Soooo frustrating!  So now I must be punished.  So back to old school budgeting for me.  The only money I get to spend is what is in my wallet.  No more bank cards.  No more credit ...... paycheques go in and only the $$$ i am alotted to spend on groceries comes out of the joint.  As for my own account - what ever is left over from the automatics that come out - will liquidate as well.  When the wallet is empty - that's it.  and That's just how its going to have to be - I have been a bad bad girl

Life is What it Is

Here we sit, 10 days before birthdays.  10 days till I turn 43 and my beautiful daughter turns 14 - WoW - i miss that chubby little ball of energy.  Now she is a budding woman.
We are still trying to sell the house.  My dreams of space and a 2nd bathroom on hold.  My sister called yesterday to asked if I could take the boys for the weekend.  I of course will!  I don't, however, like the reason.  They are going to look at a house on the island.  Bowser to be exact.  There are so many, many reasons why this upsets me.  Yet I understand why she would go look and also why she would entertain the thought of making a new life there.  Her husband making the attempt to move his business ......... that would be the biggest gamble.  They need an income -
It was bad enough when my brother moved away - he has of course been in contact with her to share his experience of raising his children away from their grandparents.  The sadness he feels that his kids don't have relationships with us, with their grandparents.  He is grateful to have a cuzn' close by and a long lost aunt which made the transition easier in the beginning, but then they started a family,  That's when they really felt it.
In the end Sister must do what i right for her and her family.  A big house and acreage is awesome - i can totally understnd why they would want to do this. I will support her in whatever she decides.  She is my sister and I love her.  But she might as well be moving to California or Alberta for how far she will be

Amazing People

and then there are more amazing people than I am.   BrillliNT

Copulation

So tell me, what is the point of sex, intercourse, Fucking unless it is to pro-create?

Tell The Receptionist .......

......... that you are a Rapid Respiratory Patient .................

Okay, don't like the sounds of that .................