Remembering my Body ........

NEEDING a NEW BRA is SERIOUSLY NOT IN THE BUDGET!

CHARLEY HAD HER FIRST KISS!!!!!!

she says it was awkward and gross - she came home promptly changed because she smelled of boy, brushed her teeth and used her mouth wash!!!

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Wine with Everything

Funny how it just goes with everything.
So easy to make any bad feelings go away. Hours vanish in a bottle.  Forgotten conversations.  It can be all consuming to enhance each and every day.
Everything is better with wine....................

The Growing Mozza Ball

Here's something I didn't forsee when I spoke those words a week ago.

Once the mozza ball is out and in every room ........... it can grow.  It seems to take a life of its own.
I can't help but wonder about the receiver of the Mozza ball - does he not see how it can evolve.  The different directions and speeds it can travel in.  Does he not even See the Ball!!!
There has been no talking about the mozza ball that found its way out of my mouth a week ago.  How long can a Mozza ball be out before it goes bad?

Mozza Ball

Yesterday I told my husband 2 days short of our second anniversary that I don't want to live with him anymore.  Now there it hangs.  out there like a mozza ball

Frustrated

So our house has not sold.  Nothing in this complex has since last summer!  so I guess i shouldn't take it personal ................. but Yeesh!  I want out of here!!!
I think back to the sketchy plan I had in my head years ago - get married in 2010 and house on the market, sold and moved by 2011 - this was of course in my head before I had a car accident that changed everything.  Although, in the whole scheme of things and the direction I was going in, the married thing prolly wouldn't have happened at all. Husband's trueness of who he is was really just as it is and sinking in just before I got hit.  We'd been together.......2 and a bit years at that point and I was in my head was a handful of stuff where he was concerned.  That all got thrown to the curb when I became needy and broken.  Now, here I am.
Trapped in this house.  I feel like Gina Davis in Beetlejuice when she is a ghost trying to dust the attic but just moving the dust around.  No matter how much you clean and organize it stays the same.  UGH!
I am in a relationship that is making me less than happy.  Miserable? no , but i can say i am not happy.  No he did not change.  but I may have
That brings me to the next thing - my job.  I don't like it.  Well, actually, I don't mind selling insurance so much, but I don't like my office.  It is badly set-up and the people I work for are hypo critic male chauvinists.  I love that I am getting exposure to personal lines, but also being responsible for the front of the house and ICBC ........... its too much.  2 women in particular are not team players and it really is not helpful.  Not to mention, I am not making as much as I should be for taking on Home Insurance - I went to school for this.  Had to pass a major exam and get a license.  I should be able to live on my own if I needed to right?  In the house I bought for myself 6 yrs ago that I used to be able to afford .....................
One awesome thing I have going on right now is that I am pushing thru the working out thing!!  My back is a mess at the moment, but I am doing what I can and it feels great!  After dinner, when I am here and he is just sitting.  Not cleaning up after the supper I raced home from work to make at 5:30 even though he is home at 4, i just leave and work it out on the treadmill. I am tightening up.  My bum and middle is getting smaller.  My thighs are currently staying the same, but its good.  I feel good.  Other than the numbness in my left arm and hand, but what's a little numbness?  I can escape the closet space of a house I live in.  YaY!
Could I find a new job?
sure I could and yes I have looked.  However, until this house sells, i need to stay right where I am so that we can be approved for a mortgage.
I am really counting on once this house sells and we can get into more square footage, that maybe, just maybe, the rest will work itself out?  maybe husbands laziness will stop.  Maybe if I like going home, the fact that I hate going to work will even itself out.  Afterall, the hours there are pretty good.  but if it doesn't happen soon ................... I am afraid something else will.
Why couldn't he have just listened to me last year when I wanted to list in the the early spring.  Some of this anxiety would probably not be going on - there is a great possibility we would have sold last summer when all the rest of them did ..............
There really is nowhere for us to go anyway, but still ...............

June is a New Month for a New Lifestyle!

Well here I am - gym as many nights as I can.  new diet.  weights even!!!
Got myself a prescription for progestrone.  Hopefully that helps with my allergies as well as halt the friggin weight gain bullshit.  I went for my fitness assesment
35% body fat and 159lbs!!!!  How the Hell did that happen?  Although I was wearing my running shoes, but still.  my resting heart rate was fab at 60 so I guess that is good.  My heart is awesome.
So I enlisted an old girlfriends help.  She is in amazing shape.  So I will listen.
No more red meat - not even pork
no salt - no refined sugar - only green vegatables - cayenne pepper on everything - Lemon in/on everything - apple cider vinegar - no white there is some ect at this point, but i think you get the jist.
She gave me a wieght routine to follow, so I will.
Alvin is kicking up a fuss.  I will respect him, but he needs to fuck off!
My family is totally on board so it is awesome!!!
I have been going every day after dinner - it is so great.  I feel so great.
I haven't measured, but I will have to do that tonight I think and keep record of  it.  I am giving myself till next spring to be down 3 sizes.  Currently a Le Chateau 12 ........ its just gotta stop!  I will fight.

Old Fashioned

I guess I must be more old fashioned than I thought.

i really dislike this day and age of finding out the sex of your baby before it is born.
takes the fun out of it.  What will it be.  When will it be born?  What will it weigh?
Trillions of parents have had baby's before this and didn't "need" to know.

I just don't get it I guess

is this the start of the next 3

soooo...................

my father in law was admitted to the hospital last night with a heart attack.

now i have pains in my chest too

First 5 Days of May

May 1st my husband totals another persons vehicle by driving over it from behind and then propelling it in to someone else.
May 3rd my daughter gets suspended for stealing pop from the cafeteria to resale for more money.
May 5th a member of our immediate family .............. on the road (highway) behind us where only 3 years ago Auggy was murdered.

Early this morning, we lost a very special member of our family.

She never let me sleep through the night.  Always had to be with her girl, sleeping on her special pillow or blanket.  She loved to ride on her dad's shoulder like a parrot.  She was our great hunter that was just starting to master to art of actually eating what she caught.  She recognized the sound of the catnip coming out and just learned to play with a laser.  She made it her business to protect her yard and her best friend Kneader.  She was a soppy princess that loved to have dirt baths and spend her time outside with her humans.  Her most special time was on her special pillow in her room with Charlotte.  She cuddled with Charley like she would no other.  She could predict earthquakes.  She was her happiest when her pride was all together.

We are very sad

Shit is stupid.

Mountainman and i have a meeting with the School tomorrow to discuss what is wrong with our daughter.  We don't know yet if  his truck is going to be written off or not.  Our boy cat is sad.  And there is a horrible ache in our home for our girl.

I found a place open on a sunday to take her body for cremation.  She will be with Auggy again.  

I have a fucked up Rash on my neck.  I am supposed to be sleeping but clearly I am not.  I am writing.  Which i guess is good.  My eyes are burning like a SOB.

I admire my husband for his tears.  He is able to just cry and cry hard.  I love this about him.  I cry and then ........ someone needed to deal with her body.  someone had to drive the car.  Someone had to fil out the paperwork and continue on ...... my tears come.  They surprise me.

I was her mom.  When shit was going down, she came to me.  I am the Alpha.  When the big quakes in Japan happened, Whisky was trying to make herself meld with my armpit. I will take tomorrow .......... too much.  No baby.  Car accident, a felon, death.  Oh so much more if I only had the eyes to proofread .................. I shold go to bed and hope for sleep.

I miss my girl.  My Whisky cat.

my daughter stealing - for attention - for lunch money - for friends - non of it good and all of it stemming from home......................FUCK

THE MONTH OF MAY CAN SUCK IT!

Yams

I can not believe I didn't think of this sooner and even more embarassed to not think of the Yam thing myself!!!

Since the news of never going to happen a month ago, i have turned my attention to this wacked out body of mine.  Like what The Hell is going on.  Lets stop whining and get to the bottom of it.  I all but stopped carbing, no booze saladed out and what happened????  ZERO!  WTF!  I mean, not that I expected 20 lbs to just fall off, but something.  I thought maybe 4 had gone, but then it was just the difference of clothes and no clothes .........
So research - Progestrone!  I hit on something.  Progestrone is key to fat burning.  Of course it is!  UGH!  how have i missed this over my years of googling and research.  I was looking for the wrong thing.  I was concentrating on how to make a baby with some aggravated weight loss on the side.
So how do i make it come back.  YAMS!!!  reconnected with an old girlfriend and BAM! she got right to it.  You need progestrone.  You need Yams!  among a few other things - but Yams is where my attention is now.

PROGESTRONE FAT BURNER - HERE I COME!

moving

I am seriously starting to think we might actually be here another Christmas.
This sucks.  Nobody has sold in here since last June!  I have ads on Craigslist and Kiijii.
Now that Husbandman's dad is sick, we - yes I said We, really want out of here so we can get him living with us.  I want to be out this summer!  Moving The Queen during her first semester does not thrill me.  It would not be good timing at all for her.
I just keep telling myself our buyer is out there.
If only we could afford to empty this place out and move into a home.  This would sell if it were empty much faster I am sure.
Well, I didn't win this last draw, but I got a free play!   So you never know.  Someone always wins.  I just happen to be a someone!

Blog on

Husbands father has prostrate cancer

we don't know what stage - and I am not supposed to know at all.

So many emotions and thoughts about so many things

Selling and Buying??

This selling my house thing is really sucking.  It is a beautiful unit, that is proven, but it is still a mobile.  It still is only 900 sqre feet and it still backs on to a highway.  Yes I was asking too much for the market we are currently in.  Had it been on 2 years ago .......... probably still too  much, but more likely to go close to that price.  Now, I have dropped it drastically.  Just hoping to get out before the official notice of pad rent increase comes out at the end of June.  Nothing, not one unit has sold in this complex since last June.  It looks bleak.  The lady across the street listed hers a couple months ago.  It is not nearly as pretty as mine, but it is a double wide with a huge deck, for less than what I am asking.
We are screwed.
Husbandman doesn't get it at all.  Can't understand why I am in such a hurry to get out.   Doesn't understand the issue at all about dropping the price.  Uuuuh, cuz that's our down payment for a house dumbass!  We still have to pay the realtor 7% Fucknuts! Sure you can pull money out of your RRSP's with good intentions of putting it back, but it never gonna get there!  Once we are in a house, all your extra money will be going into the house.  Especially a house that we can afford!  There is no way around it being a fixer upper for us!  Not to mention the fact that i don't understand why it's Not a problem for him living like we do.  On top of each other.  Half our/his stuff in storage.  No place to have a hobby even if we wanted one.  I am tired of crab walking around the bed to get anywhere in the bedroom.  Tripping over shoes when I walk in the front door.  Not having a place to hang a coat.  All my expensive pampered chef dishes stacked in with my stacked pots subsequently, breaking.  I hold on to the dream of having a King size bed and matching dressers.  How awesome would that be?  to be able to roll over in the night without rolling on top of each other or have to adjust and skootch back in to my spot in the bed.  The dream of having a front entrance, a second toilet, room for wine glasses.  To be able to open my dressers drawers from the front, sit at my desk without hitting my elbow when I try to type at my computer.  The list goes on.  But I guess, when all you do is sit in front of the TV and play on your iPod, these minor annoyances go unnoticed.
So with the lady across the street listed, people are looking at her place and comparing dollars.  Even though it is not nearly as nice or pretty as this one, you get twice as much for just a couple thousand less.  Why don't we ask less than her you ask?  Because I will lose too much money.  Will I eventually prolly have to accept something close to what she is asking?  yes - but I don't want to start there.  So for now we stay 5k more than her and hope for the best.  Husband lives in dreamland.  Unless he's got some magical winning lotto ticket hidden away that I don't know about.
Then to add to my sick money tummy, he tells me he go his profit share yesterday.  This is awesome!!!  it was a nice chunk - so I say, Xcellent!  what did that pay off?  he blankly looks at me and says nothing.  Nothing got paid off, down, but not off.  As I feel a cold streak of sweat go down my back I wonder how much has he managed to rack his credit card up this time?!!!
As long as we are a "we" I will be financially fucked.  

Bloated

How the hell did this happen to me.  I am a whale!!!

I went on salad, no carbs and no booze for 3 and a half mnths!  Good of me to maintain.  Now I have strayed from the rigidness of that and gained!  Of course I gained, but I never Lost when I was doing it!!!  What the hell!  Can't get myself in to walking to work mode.  Ugh!  so frustrating.  My evenings are when I have the time - how its light again.  I've got to, got to, got to get back to walking around my complex after supper again!!!
I have been reading about weight gain and estrogen.  I had stopped taking all my vitamins that were helping with that - guess I should take them again.  Or do something more drastic.........hormone replacement.  I don't know much about that.  I've heard lots about side effects and I have always been a firm believer in natural stuff.  But sometimes we need chemical help.  Maybe this time it truly is my thyroid?
Whatever the case, something has gotta be the answer.  I dont' care what anyone says, sure I should be active, but when you change your diet that drastically there should be a noticeable difference with or without excercise!

MY HUSBAND MAKES ME INSANE!!!

Detox

Well - I promptly jumped off my wagon that I had enjoyed a seat for the last 3 and a half months.  Had a week of binging.  I am good.  I do believe it is out of my system.  The wagon jumping that is.  Crying comes and goes. 
I am off all supplements.  Hot flashes are being crazy!  
so back to green tea, salad, Rice cakes, popcorn for my evenings snack.  I hope to walk to work tomorrow.  No pushing my body just simple easy walk to work.  No power walking.  Clean eating and no more hormones going in.  I'll get myself back to ground zero and then see what my body needs.  This is going to take awhile I think.

I don't know how to Dress for My Body Shape and Age

Soooo - it turns out this is it.
This is my body.
my eye is here - any ideas on how to get my 38 year old body shape back - HA!

I have tried many a thing and I am limited by not only a stupid injury but $$$
my yoga book is MIA at the moment.  I am hoping that not being on hormones anymore will be a big help.
Quit the wine only to find it didn't make a difference.
My diet has been sooooo crazy limited.  Cucumbers instead of potatos.  that's right - I actaully cut potatos out!  Well no, I should be honest, I had a piece now and then.  But never a whole one, and only once a week when my body was just calling for it!!!  Never been a pasta fan and meh to rice.  I was snacking on rice cakes and peanut butter.  In the evening a bowl of popcorn with two teaspoons of margarine.  Always green tea.  Breakfast either cereal or porridge.  Lunch usually salad with meat, cheese and italian dressing.  Then I cut out the rice cake snacks and if I felt a grmble I popped a new peice of gum in my mouth and drank more water!
am I active?  no - not so much.  but you'd think on that diet, some of the belly fat would melt off?  right??  I think menopause is kicking my ass.
Watch out - it will happen to you.
Told husband I want to walk to work on non rainy days.  That means he will have to be smart and build supper.  Without help from me!  that is a challenge on its own.
Fact is - I am not happy with who I am.  It needs to change.  So, I will figure it out.

WEnt shopping today with the Queen.  my body shape is different.  I dont know how to dress.  I don't know what to look at anymore.  I need help even there.

suggestions?

Waiting

Ugh!  
Again i am put in the position to wait till my husband can catch up.  Frig!  he makes me insane.

however, what have I learned over the years?  When I wait for him, it screws me.  So I will get my own ducks in a row and go forward without him.  He will have to play catch up later.
My mortgage broker is advertising rates as low as 2.89% for 5 year fixed.  I really don't want to miss out on that.  Just gotta make sure that if she pre-approves us it will be like the bank.  that the pre-approval will sit and wait for us for a few months at that rate.  Really don't want to miss out on that.  Anything under 3% is worth  scraping for!!!