When?

When did I stop being happy.

I've had times when I've noticed I am not happy, but now I realize ....... i am not happy most of the time. When did that happen?

I've been so busy being broken and then struggling to get funding to go to school. Then busy in school. then busy with a new job. then busy planning a wedding ............... and the whole time ........... i wasn't happy. My core being isn't happy.

What the Hell happened and when?

CT Scan

Well I went

Took husband and daughter. Made it a fun family event! Bad solemn memories are just not really nice to reflect on. So we went. We laughed about the hospital cieling fan - damn I wish I'd brought my camera. I'm sure it must have been some kind of medical device to keep track of .......... soemthing? but it was positioned like a fan. Blades, skinny like dowling with red tips. I found it most amusing.

I prepared and took all my jewelry off and placed it in the baggy I brought. Then she came and gave me my gown. I only had to undress my top! kept my jeans on and my shoes! Charlotte remarked about how cool I looked. She is a good daughter.

then it was time to go in.

It wasn't a tube at all. More like a giant, white cheerio.

as I laid down I couldn't help but see the odd resemblance to the Stargate. Am I going to end up in a parallel universe?

Stupid sign that says "don't look directly at the laser"

Laser? I didn't know there was one! I wonder where it is ..................

Stupid sign

The nice young girl put my IV in as I laid there getting instruction from the young man about how to breath and what all the light up pictures mean.

Okay! practice run! the thing I am lying on starts to slide my body into the Cheerio. In the center of the Cheerio is a dark ring with what must be the Laser! of course I stared at it. I was trying to figure out if it was the laser. The ring started whirring and circling my body. I had to breath in and hold it while the Cheerio turned stargate. I closed my eyes and exhaled, part of me thinking when i open my eyes maybe I really will be somewhere else? It could happen right?

They come back in and have me raise my right arm up as she puts the dye in my veins. A strange warmth races thru my body. Did I just pee myself? Oh frap - its in my throat. Warmth, swelling? this is mildy unpleasant. I think I might like to throw up. Yikes, my eyeballs feel weird. Yow - into the Cheerio I go again. Breath in, hold it. My crotch is so hot - what the hell is this stuff they shot into me? Is this how a heroin addict feels? I could see why they would go back to it. Its pretty wild - not for me - but wild all the same. Seriously, did I pee myself?

I check out my feet. Yup, there they are. The Stargate is whirring around me. I wonder if I am supposed to be staying still. Maybe I should stop tapping my feet the the song I've decided to listen to in my head.

That's it! We're done! In they come to unhook me. Yikes! the young girl has been replaced with an older version. I think I did go to another universe -

I can get up and leave. The young guy asking if I could hear him talking to me and if it was clear or not.

I thank them - It's been a pleasure!

Driving home, i think I'm a bit high. Is that from the dye or the anxiety. This is very strange. I quite honestly don't think i should be driving. Mntn doesn't offer to take over. I pick up a bottle of wine - i dont like this feeling I have. I need to feel something I can understand better.

Sad that my pee didn't glow. I had hoped it would. and boy did I ned to pee!

So I will find out in a week what the Cheerio revealed inside my body.

I am sure it's just infection that won't go away. I wonder what they will do for it? Feeling like poo is not my favorite thing. The on and off again exhaustion is just irritating. Good days are really good. Bad days .......... i find medicating myself through those days works wonders.

my poor little eggs are so radiated now...............and i burst in to tears ..............

Things in My Head

When you think about life - your life - I mean Really think about it, what things pop in to your head?

With this recent lung thing I've thought a lot about things. Things that pick my butt that stick in my head and don't go out. (still working on my wedding post) I think about passing people in my life. X-lovers and friends. Some to make amends with others ......... just a wondering aobut them.

i think about my life now and the things i tell myself I will do later. Or wouldn't it be cool if I did that or took Charlotte there, or eventually it will happen. WEll soemtimes eventually doesn't come. It needs to happen now. Be in the plan for Now. Take place really close to Now.

Got my applications for my upgrades to Life Insurance all looked after last week. They will be poking at m doctor for stuff. CArp! Gotta get this all looked after before my next birthday and before there is a definant diagnosis of the nothing in my lung! I have to make sure Charlotte is looked after.

Then while thinking of life insurance, the questions of beneficiary comes up. Mountain.

I was getting set to get the house in his name as well. To make him the beneficiary of my insurance to look after Charlotte .......... The realization for me that if I die next week, that woman and her kid will float back in to his life. That she will have her hand on his wallet and take all that I leave him. He will give it without thinking because that's what he does. He will be distraught and alone and will put his head on her shoulder without giving it a thought. She will take advantage of his emotions and weasle her way in. She will take from Charlotte. Charlotte will not get what is rightfully hers. Charlotte will suddenly come second.

No i do now trust or believe that will not happen.

So what am i doing then? So what am I doing here then .............

I think I've made a mistake

Dreams

Funny how the mind works.

my dreams were so busy last night. I was going under the knife. YiKes! Getting a kidney transplant. Holy Carp - where did that come from!?!! I ran away in my dream after saying good bye to family and friends that had come to the hospital with me for support. I ran away in my dream because I decided I didn't need the operation. There was nothing wrong with my kidneys.

I woke this morning and have decided there is nothing wrong with my lungs!

No, that doens't mean I m going to run away from the CT scan. I am still going. What it means is that I am getting out of the mindset that there is something in there, pneumonia or disease to worry about. That its merely scar tissue from the many times I've been sick.

That's it. Nothing else.

I am tired and run down because I do so much in a day. My mind is always think, think, thinking ......... that can exhaust a person!

So I am fine because I have decided so.

Blog on!

It's a Date

my CT scan is scheduled.

Next Friday the 21st i go in yo LMH.

I am tired - going to bed - Blog on Dudes

Health

I got to my doc's yesterday for our appointment.

Blood work is my first chore. He wants my kidneys tested. Says its to be sure I will be okay for the CT scan if they need to do imaging. but I don't know. I started reading about the creatinine tests and kidney functions......

The thing in my lung is smaller than it was in July. This is good! Cancer doesn't make it a habit of shrinking.

He didn't offer up and ideas or thoughts to what it might be. I suggested my theory on antibiotic resistant pneumonia - he nodded in agreeance - could be. If it is that, they will have to put me in conscience sedation and go into my lung. None of that sounds nice. However, the theory that it is pneumonia would explain why I am sooo tired a lot. My confusion that i get. The coughing up stuff. The dizziness, night sweats and the general feeling like poo most of the time.

Am I scared? DAmn Rights! Its been there for quite awhile now. This is not good. It can make itself acute if it so chooses. With the rainy cold damp weather coming I am more than a little worried.

So I am a sick girl

I talked to him about the period that has been missing since July. The hot flashes - his response - 'you're only 41!!!' Thanks, I am aware

I told him

Xray

I went for my follow up Xray last week ....... finally.

i was supposed to go right after the wedding. Of course I didn't. Scared that there would be soemthing there. i procrastinated for 2 months. I set up an appointment for next tuesday with the doc as he is away this week. The day after Thanksgiving. I figured I would hit all the birds - talk to him about the xray, about my hot flashes, my wierd sugar levels, how exhausted I've been ... about my wedding ...........

The doctors office just called. He wants to see me ASAP. He wants to send me for a CT scan. I reminded them of my already appointment for next Tuesday.

I am scared - what will they find?

Blog sweet Blog oh how I've missed thee -

so many words and phrases, stories running thru my mind and not the time to sit and sort through this hazy brain of mine. The story of my wedding only just started ........

and on to life we go. Yet - i feel such a strong pull to finish .............

it will come, it will come.

Life just keeps on going and my mind fills with other things.

STAY TUNED - - - THERE IS A POST COMING ........

just being a married woman is all ......................

WHO'DA THUNK IT?

A Moment on Wedding Eve

Well Dudes - here I am.

Getting married tomorrow. Holy Carp!!!

Everything that is will be.

So many 'of course' things and scenarios happening before my wedding. Cuz why wouldn't they. I am good with that. Can't change it. So I just gotta roll with it.

Married is a forever thing. We have our arguments and our issues and our baggage. Gladly enough, we work through them and are still working through them. And it is good.

why is it good? because it is progressive. I love him and more than that - I like him. He is my partner for life, till death do us part, forever. I am glad.

My dear friend prayed with me, for me ove the phone today - and it was good. i was better. Seriously! Better. Had horrible heart beat anxiety, losing my mind into crazy. He did that - i went for my mani and I am better ------ ------- -=------

well my moment was interupted. Its time for me to go. I will be back as a Mrs.

Blog on Dudes.

Of Course

so Yes - its wedding week.

WoW - my wedding week. My wedding day! This is crazy. I have soooooo so much to reflect on and say about that. however, there is not much time for such things. Easy venting is faster. And fast is what I am doing these days. Time ...... well I aint got it!

So my wedding week - Wow - here it is. True to Kristi fashion, nothing gets to be easy. My car got backed into yesterday. An old reminder has popped up after ???? years. Are those zits on my chin. Dont' get those anymore. I have a sore throat. The weather is the Total shitz. Now my cat has a swollen head! Which means a definant vet visit tomorrow.

Ahhhhh - wedding week

Jeepers

So my Sister wacked out on me on Tuesday. Why it was her problem, I'll never know. Freeking out about my bartender. My bartender that happens to be her friend .

She had said in an email that she would be good to be there early to set up. 10AM - when suddenly, she forgot. So the Bartender texted Sister. Big mistake. Sister starts freeking out aobut where is she gonna go all day after set-up. And why does she have to be there so early ect. ect.

Well first of all, Sister its not your business and doesn't concern you. Ms. Bartender is more than welcome to come back to my house to get herself ready. This i have already conveyed to her. If you don't want her at your house, then just tell her that. No she is not paying for ice and I Never said she was going to have to. She can get most of her ice from Stephie's restaurant. She and Steph spoke of this at the stag. No she doesn't HAVE to be there that early - i can easily ask soemone else to set up her bar and chill all the wine. Its not the end of the world. I jsut need to know if she is still a hand with decorating. I have lots to decorate and set - up, but more is good. The sooner everyone is out of the hall the better. The groom needs to done by noon in order to be able to get himself ready for his own wedding. Being done at Noon gives him an 1 1/2hrs to decompress, eat lunch and get himself pretty. That's actually not a long time. So 2 hours to set up - deal with any issues at the hall - or fine tune any decoration dilemma's is plenty of time with a good team. So mind your own business Sister and stop borrowing trouble.

Now my MIL - she has not and was not truthful about her intentions. So the British have flown over to Vancouver, then flown to Campbell River to visit, then come here. Ma Never ever had any intentions of leaving the island any earlier than THE DAY BEFORE THE WEDDING!!!

Sis'inlaw has managed to budge her to Wednesday. The British had intended to come over on Monday - we had plans for the whole week! We are all pissed. Had Ma been honest, the British could have flown in to Vancouver - gotten a room there and enjoyed the city for a few days, gone to 'visit' ma, then come oever for the wedding. MNTN is so upset by his mother. Her selfishness. The British came for His wedding!

Ahh well - so now I have a few more days to be ready before the house guests arrive. Guess that's not so bad. Just sucks that it eats up the only visiting day. So, so crazy back to back busy by wednesday of next week.

WEll now that I've vented i feel good.

off I go to weddingweddingweddingweddingweddingweddingwedding.........

numbers are dropping

so the gramma fell off her scooter, into a sign. Fractured her vertabrae. Fractured her eye socket. More than likely won't be coming to the wedding. Which then leaves me to wonder how Teaghan will get there?

my Aunt and Uncle from the Kootenays have just pulled out as well. He had surgery on his hand and the stitches opened up.

My wee niece has split with her beau so is now coming alone.

Very glad they have all let us know. Waaaay better than just not showing up. I hope i can still adjust my numbers with the caterer????

Although, the voices in my head is telling me soemthing about the gramma. Reminding of the fear I had already anticipated where that was concerned. ERG! ERG! SHUT IT!

my DJ

My DJ

my french friend that I worked with at Miller's. Giving me the gift of music for my wedding. I am so grateful. He asked for lists - i sent them. Programs - I sent them.

last night, i mailed him a change and asked his opinion ............

Huh? was his response.

HUH! HUH! - he didn't know what I was talking about. He hadn't paid attention to ANYTHING I'd sent him! I got on the phone and called him to calmly talk to him about the music. To talk to him about the rehearsal at my parents.

Oh My Gosh!!!!

he went off about how he can do all acoustic. Then he went off about how he will just set up in one central place so he doens't have to move his stuff for the reception.

Ummmmm ............... THE CEREMONY AND THE RECEPTION AREN'T EVEN IN THE SAME TOWN!!!!!!

He goes on to one of my song choices saying oh the one by Stevie Wonder and starts singing it.

Yes that's the song, i say to him, but I want the one by Harry Connick.

oh but this one by Stevie Wonder is so good.

NO! I don't want Stevie Wonder!!! I want Harry Connick!

Isn't this other song sung by Bing Crosby?

yes - but I don't want that version.

but Bing is so smooth .........

NO! I DON'T WANT BING'S VERSION!!!!

OMG! I am Not a Bridezilla - but seriously - I can see how it happens. I have been planning this for a year. I have researched the music I want. I have been thinking about that aisle walk forever. Don't Eff this for me Frenchman! and then he forgot that he agreed to sing at the reception. Hadn't even seen the program. OMG! I sent it twice!

serenity now serenity now

BLOG ON!

okay - its official - i am in a wedding haze

got the liqour license today. Muck came and we put our brains together at the hall. I's gonna be good. She's on it. but I am afraid I am petering out. can't wrap my brain around house stuff anymore. Work stuff. and the Wedding stuff .......... i am jsut not sure what the next step is.

Guess get the booze???

I think everyone knows what they are doing.

Linens are confirmed.

Food is confirmed. Got rings, marriage license and tuxes.

the decor is painted. just need to do a few glasses ........ songs are chosen ........ honeymoon dress is in the cleaners ....... gotta get a honeymoon nightie. Need to purchase good make up as I am doing my own - lancome here i come!

gotta go to aircare and clean the fish tank - maybe steam my carpet in the livingroom ....... buy more toilet paper and grocery shop for the guests that are going to be here in less than 2 weeks!

What else? What else?

organize and label all the wedding bins!!! Yes!

okay - i need a bath to relax me. My Alvin is starting to hurt

Finalizing

The numbers are in!

i finalized my linens on monday.

been touching base and finalizing stuff with my chair cover angel, my Xtremely pregnant about to pop any moment florist, in the midst of cofirming the menu and numbers there ...... got the rehearsal all set for time's ..... remembered to invite the commissioner. ACK!

Got my paperwork for the liquor license , gonna do the event insurance myself at work ....... got my honeymoon dress in the car waiting till i can get it to the cleaners to get it pressed.

Still gotta get a lil'sumthin' from la senza. Met Leah's mother ..................... yeah it happened. Getting raffle baskets togehter and ready ........... no more drink tickets ..............cash at the bar. Still working on speeches and a list for Carolyn for pics ................ got my make up consult this sunday ......... still trying to figure out nails and feet .......... made appointments but i am not sold .......... now its on to getting the house ready for company. ACK! My Mother In Law is staying here! for a Week! then after that - my Father In Law is staying here while we honeymoon!! so the house really needs to be together, organized and user friendly.

Can you think of anything i might have missed?

no Seriously - can you? I could use the input.

Blog on

Getting Worried

so the pnuemonia that is in my lungs is not cleared up yet.

Been on 3 antibiotics, 2 x-rays, my family doc requested to see me. I have to go for more x-rays between the wedding and the honeymoon. Unless i get sick again before that, and then he wants me in his office ASAP. He is talking CT scan. I stopped my last round of meds sunday and the coughing is and has started up again today. I'm sure I will be in his office this time next week ......... yeah, i am scared. I am trying really hard to not be. To not think about it, but its hard not to when it just doens't get better. I quite smoking years ago because I didn't want to leave Charlotte. I have had the occasional cigarette with Mntn over the last 5 years ....... i hate it and I regret it. He needs to quit. I jsut gotta make it to the wedding -

What is in my lung?

its my left upper lobe, the same spot the pnuemonia has gone every time. Maybe its just the mass scarring?

If there is still soemthing on the x-ray at the end of the month, i have to go for a CT scan.

Yeah - i am scared

She Wants to What?

Leah's mom called Mntn just after supper tonight.

She wants to come over.

i said pardon?

yes - that's right - she wants to come over for a visit? Ummmm what?!! Get to know ME before the wedding. HuH!? Last I checked you had No relation to mntn.

Is this a weird request or is it just me??

sick girl

It looks like i am a very sick girl. On more meds. Feel so tired. Off for more xrays this morning and I'd rather just be in bed. Why can't he just get up the first or second time the alarm goes off?

Do we really have to hit snooze 7 times?

so i sit. Looking a the clutter and mess. 3 weeks and my mother-in-law will be here. Then my father in-law will be staying here to house sit while we go on our honeymoon. I really have to get things more user friendly in my house before I leave it. HOw bout' non-dusty. That would be good too.

Mntn did my stone path yesterday. It's a bit thicker than I thought it would be, but I like it. It looks very pretty and I know exactly where I want another one!

Still need all the decor glass painted. I suppose it can wait. Hopefully we will get some days of sun in a row soon and then it can get done.

The Queen finishes school this week. Wow, grade 8. I have taken the next day off and plan to do a nice day with her. Lunch and window shopping. We haven't done it for so long. I work Canada day. Time and a half is good yah? Got a few days for unaccounted Charlotte ........ we'll figure it out. I hear she has a date with her Auntie Shari for one of them.

Went to mom's yesterday to survey the wedding space .......

got the low down on how Sandy was killed.

how awful - poor little puppy must've been in such pain. The hoof marks from the doe carved out in the ground. Wee Sandy was under that? She didn't stand a chance. Broke her back protecting my mom. That deer was coming for her! Charlotte can never just go down and play at the river now. None of us can really without a rake or soemthing. Or in a group ........ although i must admit, i am a little worried about my wedding day and being attacked by a deer. She has a baby and has clearly made her home along the creek and the river. Which is fine, however, when you go around attacking your neighbors...........your neighbors tend to not like you and want you to go away! I wonder where she got pushed out from? The unit has been in that home since 83' Its only been the last few years that deer have been spotted and up on their front lawn ...... eating the rosebushes ...... berries ect. They must follow the creek. They would have to - the property has a barbwire fence! But like I said - we can all live together - as long as she stops being freeky

So these new meds I am on make my skin light sensitive. I am tired. Really tired. Don't know if its from the drugs or the sick. Then on top of all that - Allergies! I have an inhaler now, so this is good. but I don't want to take anything else cuz I don't want it to mix with the other stuff I am taking and kill me. There will be no Marilyning or Jacksoning in this house

so 4 weeks to go and I feel pretty pooey. Yeah thats the other thing the pills do.

So I will no doubt lose wieght from the pooing but have amazing abs from the coughing!!!

Here comes the Bride!

wedding Fast Approaching

Wow, here I am 35 days before my wedding day. I jsut am so in awe. I'm really here. Really, its MY turn to walk down the aisle as a bride. I still have so much to do. But what is it???

Tone my muscles. I have 35 days I can do that. Lose weight? no - I'll screw my dress up. Already lost 13lbs. I can afford to lose one more inch and that's it. so tone it is.

Gotta go on a cleanse. Although - been eating spinach salad the last couple days and I think its giving me this allergic reaction i appear to be having. So today I will stay away from it and if I clear up for tomorrow .................

I serieously won't be eating the day before my wedding. I don't need to have some kind of effed up allergic, hayfever reaction. Pills don't help when its food or drink related.

Well off I go to work my 2lb wieghts!

Blog on