February 2022 - Catching You Up - Current Spot in Life -

 It's been a long time since my last post - so I will cut and paste a couple of things  from my FaceBook page to set you up on where I am at.  

Today is January 26th, Bell Let's Talk Day 2022! If you don't already know it, I am a supporter of Mental Health!

I had been struggling with stress issues from work and personal for more time than I can remember. I got sober in September of 2020. Giving up that HUGE coping skill, left me being faced with a tough decision last April 2021. I had hit the ceiling. What do I take off my plate? After speaking at length with my family doctor, we decided the one thing I had control of removing was work. So I went on leave.

I was struggling, feeling very much like I wanted to step off the curb in front of a bus. That seemed like the only way I was going to get a break. Make it quiet. Sleep and rest. Even if it meant I might get locked up. That actually sounded blissful and kinda still does.

I had been living with constant Chest pains, Migraines, memory loss, headaches, muscle spasms, Anger, Irritability, shaking, sudden extreme tiredness just to list a few, for quite some time, each and every day.

Since May 2021, I have been on at least 8 different medications/dosages. Needing yet another adjustment as I write this.

I honestly thought I would take a few weeks and be Back at it! The answer to that was ..... NOPE! I tried going back in August, 2021. I lasted 2 days, leaving less than an hour in, on my 3rd day. I slept, and slept, and slept after that day. Then a debilitating day long migraine as a chaser.

Can Open, Worms EVERYWHERE, is what actually happened.

I have been with 2 counsellors, 2 shrinks, 3 therapists, 1 rehab consultant and a psychologist. I have been practicing and learning, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, meditation, mindfulness, yoga, walks and breathing. I have weekly sessions. I have learned a lot in the last 9 months.

I have driven , adventured and did projects for days at a time, with Indigo, calming my mind. Sorting my Thoughts.

I have been diagnosed with lifelong anxiety. Imbedded in who I am since childhood, with a side dish of depression stemming from that. I am working hard at getting better. I don't know when or if that will ever happen. "They" tell me I will ..... ... I am still off work and Terrified for when I go back. I am still Sober and feel Fantastic!

Today, I do Not have a Migraine. Today I Do have Chest pain.

Live in the now. Live for today. Be kind to yourself. Don't sweat what is not in your control. You are not gauranteed, "later" or "tomorrow"

"Today is the Tomorrow you were Worried about Yesterday" ~ Dale Carnegie

#kristilivingherbestlife

February 14, 2022 FB Post

****MY TWO CENTS ON THE TRUCKER PROTEST***

So here's the thing about the Trucker Convoy ......

Good Intentions Gone Sideways.

The fall out from product not being able to get thru, is more than just a delay of an online purchase. Or Canada Post delays. Besides food and grocery products not getting thru, medications are also not coming.

For one person, that I know personally, for her daughter, it has become life and death. Literally.

Her medications, that were already delayed, have now become trapped due to this Convoy for Freedom. She suffered a 27 minute seizure last night because of her lack of meds.

This young lady is already a miracle and surpassed so much in her life. She has battled extensively and relies on her medication, as many, many people do, to live. Her mom posted about this last night and the FB police removed her post as of this morning. I had tried to share it, but FB wouldn't allow it.

Before you support this "cause" any further, please think about the ripple effects of what else this is causing .. you are not just annoying a city or two. Making jobs more difficult. Stressing out individuals trying to work. A mere Blip on the Prime Ministers radar ........... You are literally hurting people's day to day, whether they live of die, life.

 - the original reason. The original cause was great! No reason for truckers to start quarantining now. Like why now? 2 years later .... makes absolutely no sense. That, I can get behind.

It's what this turned into .... a Circus of fringe groups jumping on board to try to be heard.

The reason was lost. The truckers protest got hi-jacked. They are even screwing over their own people from getting to work or getting the job done ...... its just Rude

So now that you are caught up, I can type thru my current thoughts about what I am up to in my next posts.

Blog On!

June 2021

 Well, hello.

I wrote a post a month ago and it seems to have disappeared.  I guess I don't know how to blog anymore.  💁  

I have been on leave from my job since April 30.  I was really hoping to go back for July, but it doesn't seem I will be able to.  Even as I write this, I am having small anxiety pains in my chest.  They are not like they were  by any means, but they are still there.  I am still gettting my meds adjusted.  So fancy.

I am using my extended short term disability.  I am actually getting more on leave than I do normally because of how I am paid.  So that's cool.

I am seeing counsellors and pyschaitrists.  I guess I should learn how to spell that - hahaha!

I have been sober now for 9 mnths!  Longest in I've been dry since I started drinking again in 2006.  So I have to say, I am very stoked about it.  I feel amazing in that respect.  Mountainman and I will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary in a month!  Crazy!

With my stress leave, he has started to realize, he needs to  do more to be present in our home.  It's a slow realization, but it's coming.  Marriage is hard.

I am sure upset that I managed to delete, or lose that last post.  I really wanted to expand on it.  My writing is not the best today and my thoughts ........ must be the meds.  So many meds ...

I will need to write again soon.  I am keeping off Facebook as it just upsets me.  

well ... it is Saturday.  I should go put a bra on and get outside.  Time to get the plants watered and on with my day in the yard.

VISA

Crap!

I wined last night
today I wake and my credit card is out and .........
well I guess we'll see what arrives in the next few weeks
I hope it was worth it

It Only Took 7 Days

Well .. it only took 7 days to figure out that beveraging is not a thing I should be doing.
I started off slow.  Mid-way I went hard at the end I teetered it out.  Felt like shit.  Got about as much done as I would have without it.  Burnt dinner once.  But fuck - I was not engaged when I should have been engaged.  Mostly I just felt like shit and I felt guilty, and feel guilty that I should have gotten more done on my holiday.
So now, here I am starting a new 3 month goal.  I am 3 days in.
I am good.  It is easier looking towards the 3 month goal this time.  Likely I will feel I need another reminder wagon fall in November.  I hope not.  
My daughter broke up with her boyfriend a week ago and is now on this road I don't like.  I don't feel comfortable with.   I have not been engaged for any of it.  She is going out with Friends ..... boys ..... I don't like that either.  How she is behaving.  Now she is talkign about going camping this weekend coming up!  with boys ..... they are all friends she hasn't seen in a looong time .... but my Mumby senses are tingling and I don't like it.  I need to be available and not drunk.  My husbands truck blew up on the highway on his way home from work on Friday...Aug 4 ... I was a micky in.  Aug 5 I went to renew my insurance and he owed 500bux in points that I paid so I could get my insurance.  UGH!
So on the wagon I go.  Will I look for more support?  I might.  I just might.  
I  am going to take time from facebook as well...... that may not go as good.  It is how I communicate with the world afterall.
HOwever - I need to be amazing at my new job.  I made too many rookie, stupid mistakes last month that I am not ok with.  I am not organized enough.  I am not keeping myself organized enough.  My mind doesn't and can't remember things.  I know I am creeping up on alzehemiers and I am going to battle it as best I can until I am forced out of work.  I figure I have 10 years.  So I need to make this job amazeballs for my family before I lose it completely!

I am not Selfish - I am Saving -

 .....  but if I stick around to save you ..... i will lose myself

If I am lost .... who will look after the ones that don't drown me but keep me whole?

I have a wall around my heart.  People get in.  

My depression is Huge -- but I have learned how to save myself.  I won't allow myself to die because I was too busy trying to hold someone else up that wasn't doing the work and expecting me to do it all.

108th Day

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary!  
6 years.  Pretty awesome I think.  I worked in the yard for a good portion on the day.  I really enjoy my yard.  The boys had stayed the night, so I had them in the morning till they went home at 11.  It was hot and beautiful out.  Husband and I decided to not go for a drive or go out.  Which was fine with me.  i have things to do at the house and getting dressed up with make up just to go for dinner sounded like more effort than I wanted to put in to it.  We decided to order in!  A Friend of husbands came by and ordered with us.  We chatted all night ..... I liked it.  It was good.  

It was my anniversary.  So, I poured myself a glass of chilled J.Lohr.  It was ok.  HOnestly not at good as I thought it was going to be.   I had 2 glasses.  Half a bottle - the last glass I ended up dumping out.  It was the end of the evening and I had switched back to Tonic.
So thus ending my wagon bound trip at 108 days.
I think about the open bottle on my counter.  Do I dump it?  Do i drink it when I get home tonight?  Do i put it in one of my glass decanters and use it in cooking?

In the end it came down to hiding in drink.   I got messy.  REally messy cause I was hiding all my stress and frustrations in drink.  The mess came because there was not enough alchohol for me to hide in.  My issues were soooo huge the booze couldn't hide them from myself any longer .......... any of that make sense?

Do I still have issues?
I got sober and 6 weeks in i realized -- i needed to quit my job ASAP.
I got clear -- my thoughts about different things were the same, I just got to finish them out and come up with solutions.  Or just finish the thoughts.  I have had lots of time to think -- to go far back in my memories of the years to understand why I felt i need to hide.  Why was I running from my own life?

A lot has happened when I think about the last 10 years.  Really, it all started with my car accident in 2009 ....... my life, my sense of self, me ... i derailed then.  Instead of dealing with the derailment, mourning it, letting it go...... i kept trying to hang on.

So many things have changed in my life since then.  So many things that I have had control over and so many I haven't.  

2016 pushed me over the edge.  2016 was the catalyst.  2016 destroyed me.

i am still self healing.  I am still figuring it out.  I will be okay, but I will never be able to take on so much ever again.  There are too many scars.  Too much damage.

The self realization I have been going thru for the last 108 days has been good.  I have been talking to husband the last couple weeks ...... he does tend to shut me down every now and then, but for the most part he listens.  This is good as I try to sort the stuff.  Soo much stuff.  And he is part of that

NOw I must sign off - I do need to get to work -

Blog On

I CAN BE YOUR GREATEST ADVERSARY OR YOUR BIGGEST ENEMY

 ...............  YOU CHOOSE .........