my Struggle today

Mr. Ball is dying.

the last thing he ate was some raw egg a couple days ago.  He can no longer drink.  He is a shell of a cat on my lap.  I'm sure he only has hours left.

Yes I want to take him in.  Its beyond time.  

I struggled weeks and months ago with his last moments being of a horrific car ride and then a person poking him with sharp things.  I couldn't bare the thoght of him knowing what was happening to him.  That i was doing this to him.  Its not like he was in pain or out of his mind.  He went from that to - the shell in a night.  Now I think keep his dignity, he is almost gone and he is just in continuous sleep.  Let him go in peace where he is happiest.  in his home.

but then as Steph said.  Does he have dignity?  I don't know anymore.  My judgement is screwy.

I woke many,many times in the night to check on him lying next to me.  During one of those times I thought he was gone.  He was so still.  he reminds me of how it was with my Nana.  Just sleeping.  Keep him cmfortable.

We cried for him on Saturday.  All 3 of us around him.  It was a day that he couldn;t be alone.  Every time he found himself in a room by himself he would cry out and come looking.  i guess I knew then.  That was the turning point day.  Now he is hours away from his last breath i am sure.

i struggle with where to take him even.  I spoke to Steph last night.  I should have written down that Doctors name.......the office.  i thought i would rmember it.

Now I think he's got hours why take him.  Why after all of this take him when all he is doing is sleeping.  Who's misery am I relieving?  he doesn't appear to have any.  Only i do.

He is far from the 20 lb beast of 10 years ago.  he is in his 18th year.  he was my best friend for many of those years when I was alone.  He still is my best friend.  He has been by my side since 1995.

I think back to my Nana again.  She was dying.  Sleeping.  We didn't kill her to relieve anything.  We waited and so did she.

This house will be lonely without my BeedleCat.  it will be quiet.  it will be clean -

I have Never not had a cat.

i feel guilty for wanting him to go and I feel guilty for not taking him.  I don;t know what to do.  With Sparkle it was time.  she was in Horrible pain.  Ralph died in pain cuz i didn't pay attention. When it was time for Molly I took her.  she was in pain, so i called the emergency vet and took her.  But this..........this is different again.  Mr. Ball has just slowly gotten older

At this point, is it cruel Not to take him or To take him?  I can't even tell anymore.

Whats the name of that Vet again Steph?

i am without words for stuff and not sure where to put other things

blog on

The Queens Theatre Spring Break DAy CAmp

the line reads -->  "I miss not having a brain"

I heard --> "I'm a snot having a brain"

WHAT?!!!

so how 'bout we work on inflection - clarity - pronounciation

I Heart Costco when I get to go!

hmmmmmm -

i really don't like that I drink as much as i do.

No there was not an incident.

just making an observation.  Guess I need to stop complety.  Something i know I can do, however, I don't want to.  and Herein lies the problem.

WE'll see how that goes.  

but stopping also means that for the first while I have to avoid things and situations where I feel comfortable to have a drink.  Thats sucks.  I have social dates coming up that I'd rather NOT miss.  

hmmmmmm.................

invitation only?

Every once in awhile I take this blog Off of invitation only.

just for fun.  Just to see how many people would read if I didn't have it private.  How many more unbiased opinions I can get from people.  

I took it off yesterday.  All's well.  no mom peeking.

but then I look and BAM!!!!  a downloader!  

some stranger downloading pics off my blog.  Thats freaks me out.  

Why is some stranger intersted in Charlottes Science project and downloading pics of it off my blog?!!  and the pic of Mntn and his nipples!

this is after they have gone thru and read as much as they can.  the reading is fine.  but the downloading.........creeps me right out.  Why are you interested in having pics of my stuff to keep on your computer?

Wouldn't it make you wonder too?

I like my Island

Damn

DAmn the Hole in my pants!!!

my work pants.  

Seam.

Ass.

Out!

Thanks the Good Lord for long shirts

I am so disapointed.

i tried to take a picture of my legs with full hair growth of a couple months but it did't turn out.  Damn It!

Did you know that at full length, the hair on my legs grows to  3/4 inch in length(from the knee down) and is all over?  if I were to dye it.  My legs are jsut as hairy as Mntns.  Under my pants it just creates much static and kept my warm during the snowy weeks.

Blog On!

bite your tongue!

its tough for me you know

i have just become so out-of-line bitter towards this child.  So much in fact i can't even justify it.  I can not look at her without cutting her down inside my head.  

So she's just been to a birthday party dressed like that.

Her hair a bedraggled mess.  Her see thru leggings with lace on the bottom.  Its been snowing, why are you in those littel shoes and No socks!

this morning - the black t-shirt that pronounces her to be a ROCK STAR with a guns and Roses type emblem on it.  hair brushed but already in disarray.  Your going snowboarding.  Its going to be a mess.  I have to just walk away.  I can't even be a part of the conversation.  She is argueing with Mntn about putting it up. The fact that this little girl doens't own one pair of water-proof mitts/gloves.  All she owns is the fluffy cutesy knit ones.  I get the knit cheap ones.  I understand that.  Between Charlotte and I we could outfit an army with the many pairs we have.  However, Charley also has one pair of water-proof ones for when she plays in the snow.  Becasue she is a kid!  Thats what kids need.  Thats what kids do!!!   I just don't get why her mother - They are not that expensive.  I paid 5bux for Charleys!  Than she got a really nice pair for Christmas cuz she put it on her Christmas List cuz  I, her mom, is smart like that!!!!

no I don't really want her here for dinner.  

but I spinned it nice.  I think she will be very tired and needs to get home.  After supper will be 7 and she has school tomorrow.

So I got to get away with a couple months of being Teaghan free.  Guess her mom needed the time to herself and gramma would't take the darling little princess.

They'll probably be home after lunch.  DAmn!  Guess i better enjoy the next couple hours to their fullest!  Till they come home and she is here again.

I am just a bitter, bitter bitch.  So much anger brewing, never been validated, never been resolved.  It has grown into its own entity.

I will just bite my tongue

Happy Birthday Grandad!

96 ToDay!

We went to his place and had a shinDig this afternoon.  It was wierd and cool all at the same time.  He was  very happy to see us all.  Its wierd to think, that might be the last time we are all with him at the same time.  He is 96 afterall.  He's lived longer than his daddy.  His Pa passed at 95......

i Love my Grandad!

She Got Silver!!!!

 Pics on my picture blog!

Brain Cells Unite!

I hate feeling drunk when I'm not and can't remember when I should.

Used to happen so much in those 5 years I was sober and I hated it then too.  The clumsiness.  The slurred words.  The "hang-over" feeling.   Arg!

she refers to Mountain as "dad" in her speech

Guess who made it into the Top 6 to speak to the Judges on Thursday?!!!!!

The Queen!

Science Project

I can't believe it.

We are done!

finished just before supper last night.  Holy smokes!

research. Speech.  Backboard.  Experiment. Duotangs.  Log Book.  Her Words!  Everyone helped.....

Of course it was like pulling teeth to get her to get 'er done! We Better Have All the Information!  I will lose my mind if we don't!

So today she hands it in.  

She has a presentation (speech) to do.  I wish I could be there to hear her.  She worked hard on her speech!  REally hard and practiced it on all of us.She has her outfit all layed out on her bed.  "My hair will have to be braided Mom"  such a professional......   Thursday is the Fair in the gym.  I'll take more pics then.  I think this is a good piece of work she can be proud of!  Now I can have my livingRoom back.  

Hmph?

Our foundations are different

mine is cement

his is blacktop

I don't know.  Its different programming, like windows versus apple.

how do you explain socially correct,  Acceptable and not, when in their circle its ok??  Than aren't you the one with the problem when you are standing alone.  Like the cheese.  Then don't you look like the raving idiot?  Social circles.  High class. Low class. Wannabee's.  Old money.  New money.  Good money. Bad.  White Collar.  Blue Collar.  Blue can still have White beliefs.  White can have Blue.  Whats the foundation.  Better yet - whats in the foundation?  Is it cracked?  Is it made pure?  Are there rocks in it?  has It been imported?  How old is it?  

Mine is quite old.  Made of bits from my mother and from my grandmother.  I guess its a hand-me-down and its still holding up Strong as I pass the same foundation on to my daughter.

you can't change someones foundations.

how do you find the door to lead in to maybe paint the walls a little?   I like the product that sits on the foundation.  I don't want that to change.  Nor would I be so unfair as to ask it too.  However...................is it possible to renovate?   

INFURIATED!!!!!

I am Livid about this...........

this is what I wrote to the teacher last night


I've been sick for most of the week. Charlotte came home talking
about a speech for her Science project. I hope she can get help at
school with it as I am too wiped out these evenings to give her a hand

thnk-you................K.

This is the response I got this morning

I'll try my best, but just in case there is step by step instructions in the science fair package. The pages are not in order but it on a page with the number 20 at the top. It's near the back of the package, it's pretty easy to follow. Hope you feel better.

Aaron Dugas

WHAT THE FUCK!!!

Mountain has not smoked in 2 days!

he went with a buddy to a hypnotist Monday night.  He is really trying.  This will be day 3.  This is when it starts to get real hard.  From about day 3 - 5

He has chosen to stay home tonight to get his laundry done.

I kinda don't think thats the best place for him.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he can make it.  Keep yours crossed too!

?? V.D ??

Why did y'all have such a wanker of a Valentine's??

I'd like To be 35 again

I think I am going deaf.  My hearing is going.  Has been off and on for a bit.  Since October.  It was really bad yesterday.  Today it seems a bit better.  Its very frustrating.  I am exhausted and just want to stay in bed.  This last year in my 30's is not really very nice so far.  I am determined to be super hot and in great shape for the turning of the decade.  Its not going so well.  I am so tired.  Anyhow..........

Blog On

Where the moon is

SCORPIO Moon

Passionate, Intense, Magnetic, Sexual, Powerful

Goddess - LILITH Goddess Altar



The Watery Scorpio Moon brings passion, desire and perhaps some possessiveness. We may be more intuitive about the motives of others, and are likely to fight harder than usual if necessary.

by this evening the moon will have moved into sagittarius.

 

SAGITTARIUS Moon

Honest, Straight-forward, Energetic, Optimistic, Wise

Goddess - KALI Kali Altar



The Fiery Sagittarius Moon impels us to speak honestly and get straight to the heart of the matter. Trust is strong, small talk is out... big dreams and lofty plans take shape in our minds. Take a little trip... read a book.

So I guess if the emotions were more to the negative this moon might hinder with its straight forwardness.  Guess it would depend on how well you take the truth.  Remember sometimes the truth stings.  So take some time for yourself.  Even if its just an hour, to reflect.

Blog On Dudes

Mountain & The Queen

*Oster*

I am most excited to have time, to maybe find time, to use my new food processor today!!!

Mountain dun good!

Moon Sign

Ooooh!

the moon is in Scorpio this weekend ladies.  

It'll be a sexy valentines!  How fun

Valentines Weekend

Friday the 13th tomorrow.  Yikes!

Valentine's Day SAturday!

I am work, work, working.

So we will celebrate in the morning.  with hugs and kisses and chocolates I think.  Nothing extravagant.   Sunday is back to Grade 5 for me.  Ugh!I am really not down withthis project.  Why do I have to do so much?  and who do I complain to to make such ridiculous things Stop!

I mean the science project is fine.  Its the open-endedness that has too.  Thats why the teacher can't keep up with his students.  Give them 5 things to choose from.  If Johnny the go-getter wants to go get on soemthing not on the list let him.  But if you had a handful of kids all doing the same thing their own way......at least then the teacher would maybe be able to have a clue. but instead.......I have done all the research with Charlotte.  I have done all the work.  I have done all the editing.  I am and will be doing the backboard.  I have to do a chart or a graph or somthing to put on this stupid fucking backboard.  While the teacher merely gives them time once a week in the computer lab.  He has not so much as even gone over anything she has done thus far to make sure she is heading in the right direction.  (which she isn't BTW)  we Fff'd up on some of the stuff cuz she didn't bring her Duotang home last weekend to show me exactly 'what we need now' so I made her do a bunch of stuff that it turns out isn't even required. However, I am not going to back track cuz last weekend was Hell.  I will work in and work it out some how.  But this is sooooo  fucked up. and I have to let her have her own words and its just not good.

So I will let it be and let her be and see what she gets.  She has been sorking so  Frippin' hard on this thing.  I hope it shows and that she gets a decent mark regardless of some missing information.

It just makes me feeel like a failure too cuz I've been helping her so much.

Oh Well.  maybe one day teachers will teach again.  and I will dream of being able to afford private schooling.

Blog On

Grrrr

I'm mad that I am grade 5

why is it up to me to do this with her?!!!

why is there a duotang sent home specifically for the parents?  ITS A SCHOOL PROJECT!!!!  Fuck!  Anyhow I am pissed and annoyed about that, but we are getting thru it.  With Much tears and yelling.  It sucks

I am irritated by Mntn.  

Stuff I'd like to get into, but becaseu i am respecting his wishes not to post i won't.

We'll see.  If I start to boil over........I'll post anyhow!

I'm pissed at my body.

I dont like my house and can't afford to make it so I do like it.

I can't find wood brackets for Shelves!!!  Ugh!

I am just not very happy these days!

Man  Livin' I am irritable!

i don't like being anywhere near myself today.  I am just a bitch!

sick

it is Sunday

i am tired.  I['vebeen sick since last week.  Sent home twice early because I am just gross.  and yet here it is My weekend.  A time when I should jsut be able to relax, rest and get better.........none Of the above has happend.

Mntn annoying the Piss our of me yesterday.

he;s made up for it today.  He vacuumed my car.  AWESOME!!!!  but now he is out for coffee with his dad.  Not a big deal.  I have to remind myself that it is his weekend too.  But Heck!  I have cooked dinner all weekend.  Even on the days I was sent home sick (thurs & frid) I took care of my family first.  I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK FOR HELP!  he knows I am sick.   He knows I am not well.  I

I have cooked and cleaned and been working on The Queens science project all weekend!

Well, cleaned.......i pinesoled my bathroom - a dirty bathroom seriously ills me.  I vacuumed the house.  Cleared my kitchen counters of crap (another thing that ills me.  I CAN'T STAND clutter on my kitchen counters.  It gives me serious anxiety)  Laundry?  Yah kinda.  Some of its clean - dry - so much in piles in the hall that is supposed to be a laundry room.......

Queenie had a b-day party yesterday.  I went to Michaels during that time and picked up a shelf and a letter thingy that I am going to stain for the front door space.  Try to get a little more order.  I also picked up silver spray paint for Mr. Balls food tin. My pictures that I re-framed are still all over my floor.  Although I did move them from the living-room to the hall.  I have done a bad job at spraying the tin.  (yes Steph I took pics.  Just for you.  I will post them)  but damn it.  I would like to stain those things I bought.  I would like to have a nap.  I would like someone else to make dinner and clean it up!  C and I are on a break from science cause it is just too many hours now.  When is it due?  the 23rd.  So we have a bit yet. However - I work ALL next weekend.  so I NEED to get the bulk of it done this weekend so that for the weekend of the 20th all we have to do is the backboard.  Trying to get her to type stuff at school and print it off so we can look it over here at home is Nuts!  So I don't really know what she has completed.  There fore I am making her do and research other stuff here at home to 'fluff' it up.  this is a Friggin' joke and to top it all off I feel like crap!

for Mothers day this year I want everyone to Go away!

The Rules - Charleys Being Courted!

Remember these????


House Rules For Charlotte


1) Charlotte may NEVER call on a boy.
2) If a boy would like to see her he can call on her. This means either on the phone or by Knocking on the front door.
3) Charlotte is Not allowed in a boys house or his backyard where I or Lyle can not see her.
4) Charlotte is not to play "alone" or with a boy where she can't be seen publicly. There may be some acceptions to this rule - left to the discrepancy of Lyle or I.
5) Charlotte may "hang-out" in front of said boys house, but is not permitted to "hang-out" in front of other peoples homes unless she is with someone that lives in the home.
6) Charlotte is not allowed to "hang-out"
7) Boys are allowed to come to Charlottes house and play in her yard when an adult is home.
8) If, on the rare occasion, a boy is allowed in the house Charlotte can entertain in the living-room. The boy MUST check with his parent. If it is okay'd by a parent she may have him in her room only if the Door is OPEN. THIS CAN BE VETOED AT ANY TIME!
9) Boys are Not to linger outside or in front of the house waiting or spying or taunting. (see #2)
10) Charlotte is most definitely not allowed to be out after dark.
11) The Consequence For Not Respecting Any Of These Rules Can Result in - grounding - loss of privledges - Mom or Lyle taking action (mom will and can embaress and make anyones life a living Hell if she wants too) - FINALLY - Loss of Trust (Most Bad) to ever play with boy in question again. (Forbidden)!!!!
12) When the Street Lights come on that means it is officially Dark. That also means get your Butt home as you are now breaking rule #10!  

well........guess who finally got up the Nerve to Phone my girl last night?

Despite the fact that he thinks the Rules are "stupid"

I jsut e-mailed the teacher with a set so we are all on the same page.

Rules and Boundaries are never a bad thing.

this boy even went out of his way to Look up Charleys Phone Number in the Phone Book!!!

Blog On!

Grade 5 Camp

Charlotte just came home today with the notice about the Grade 5 camping trip the school goes on each year in June.

Fabulous experience!  So fun and exciting!  I remember mine.  It was to SAlt Spring Island.  A lifetime ago, but the best trip Ever.  A giant slumber party with my school friends.  and I rmember it being a week.......anyhow

$183

my heart sunk.

I'm already socking my tips away so i can send her to Camp Squeah.

there is the 'finance for families' help.  I do that with summer camp, but not for this.  I won't do it.  Its embaressing.  They know my face.  Its more anon. for summer camp.  Go to the principal?  She knows me, i don't need her to know how broke we really are.  I'm even part of the PAC now.  So embarassing.  I can let my Pride go for church camp, but I won't let my daughters go in front of her peers for School Camp!

  

But what we will do - is Fundraise our Asses Off!!!!  

Panago Gift Certificates anyone???

its time?

I've been feeling ancy for the last couple months

Watching what I am spending.  Watching what Mntn is spending.  I am ready to say "YES" to the question on bended Knee.  Its time.

We've been dating for just over 2 years.  Its time.

I was very upfront about it not very long ago.  I hope he has figured that part of it out and is finding a way to save some money for that shiny piece of Hard see thru stone to put on my finger.

The wedding, no biggie.  i don't need anything but him and a JP.  but the Shiny is important.  it shows me how important I am to him.  and It shows others I am taken, Not available, Stop Asking me Out!  

If its purchased at a pawn shop, that  says to me he is cheap and I am not worth that much.  Lets not forget the bad vibes attached to someone elses heartbreak or been stolen.

anyhow, the reason I brought this up is becuase last night as I was getting ready  for bed and E-mail came in from a girl I've known for years.  She is engaged.  Engaged to a man she got with last year!  Great, Fine, I am truly excited for her.

THIS IS MARRIAGE NUMBER 4!

I know for Mntn a lot of the reason he has not put a ring on my finger is becuase he truly doens't have the money.  That would be why I've suddenly become a hawk.  i don't mean to and I am trying not to be cause its only going to stress me out and be angry.  But DAmn it!  Its time for me!  I;ve let him know its not about the money or how big the see thru stone is, its about how noticeable it is.  As long as it lasts forever, its from him, not been worn by someone else, (unless someone that had a good strong marriage)   Its special.  I'm happy. He could diamond cut a piece of stainless steel for my finger and I would be happy!

I'm irritated today.

Blog On Dudes 

Jiggly

I am so frustrated with my body and the 2 inches of jiggle that is laying ever so nicely over my muscle.

I managed to get down by 5lbs and was so excited!  I was feeling not so 'stretched' in my skin.  than a week of feeling shitty about  the waiting I overindulged in a few different things I jsut shouldn't have.  Now I am back to feeling 'stretched' and uncomfortable in my skin again.

I've been sitting up each night.

Its the cardio.  I gotta stay on task in the mornings and get it done!

damn.  I was doing so well.

Its this stretched out feeling of my skin that makes me the most uncomfortable.  it really pulls and I feel like I can't bend I hate it!

one of the sucking parts is that I can still see my abs, its just under this layer that I can flick with my fingers and it wiggles around.  Ick!  Charley was watching me and says, doesn't that feel wierd mom?  look how it moves.

Yah thanks kid.

its jsut gotta go.  

More sweating needs to happen in this house.

hOw did i let this happen to me?

Aaaaahhh!

New Bed

for all of the Mom duties - I really need a bigger bed.  

A King size.

"mom.  I had a bad dream, can I sleep with you?"

in she climbs along with both her bears and then sleeps halfway into the middle of the bed katywhompus with her feet sticking out.  I almost had to leave!  

I chose instead to give her a kick and tell her to move over.

I miss when I had a king size bed

FAcebook Inbox

this is what I recieved this AM in my FAcebook inbox.

she went out of her way to create a new account with Facebook just to send it to me.  This is after she has left a comment on my foto-blog a couple days ago

Krista Brown
Add as Friend
Today at 2:50am
Report Message
Kristi,

I've had a little time to cool down after reading your comment left on my blog. I have to admit, I found it rather offensive and upsetting. Not only did you attack every aspect of my life, but also based most of your opinions of me on snippets of information, second-hand information, and assumptions... which resulted in a lot of stuff that you said being pretty far from the truth.

Firstly, I'd like to point out that you have never met me, have never spoken to me, and don't know me. As you say, you 'know things about me'... well, I know things about you too, like, for one, your grammar sucks, you can't spell, and when reading comments you write sometimes my eyes go cross-eyed from trying to comprehend what language you are speaking... I could surmise from this that you are a dimwit, an uneducated moron or a village idiot... but I prefer not to make snap judgments on people based on anything other than cold hard facts. There is so much more to a person... and although my dealings with you thus far have left a pretty bitter taste in my mouth, I am certain that there must be qualities about you that are admirable. Whether I see them or not from what you are showing me, I am refraining from calling you names or passing judgment on your lifestyle.

For the record, I am not bleeding anyone dry... I get what's legally allotted to me as child support... nothing more and nothing less. I do not neglect my children, if you'd ever bothered to talk to anyone who actually KNOWS me as a parent, lives with me, or has been around long enough to know me or my kids well enough to judge such things, you'd know that's the most laughable thing on the planet. My children are NOT neglected... far from it. And we may be living under a low income umbrella, however we work hard, and believe all work to be noble. We are not sitting on our asses on welfare. I work a full time job, and Shawn spends all his time looking for work and taking care of the kids after school.

The fact that we're living with my parents is only a sign of what amazingly loving and caring individuals they are, that they are willing to open their home and help put a roof over our heads when we have had a run of bad luck. I don't think it is a sign of us being 'leeches' as you put it, and nor does anyone else. Being laid off from his job 3 weeks before Christmas wasn't something Shawn asked to happen to him... This isn't a situation anyone 'dreams' of being in. It's sad that there aren't more selfless human beings out there like my parents who would open their hearts and homes to those in need.

As for the rest of the things you said... I really don't merrit any of it worthy of comment. Your opinions don't mean anything to me, and I'm not interested in commenting on such absurd remarks.

Krista

 For someone who claims to not give a shit what I say to go to so much trouble to tell me so.  i guess i hit more nerves than i thought.

Man a livin' I'm a Bitch.  

Being a bitch is one thing, but causing days and hours to be lost out of someone's life because of me........thats just down right mean and i'm not sure I like that.  this girl has dedicated a SAturday night to stewing over my words!

Who have I become?

Blog On Dudes!

I Got It!!!

its here and it hurts but its here!  YaY!

Off i go to put a hot water bottle over my bloated Gut.  Ooooh and back pain too.  This is going to be a doozy

Bad?

do i feel badly for letting loose on some unsuspecting girl?

yes part of me does, but part of me sooo does not.

I am angry.

i am angry for my own shit, but i am angry that she hurts one of my friends while nearly a year ago she bothered another.  It pisses me off to read all that she puts her 'family' thru.  and why does her insignificant life even register for me?  I'm not sure.

I don't like that people around her hold their tongues as to not rock the boat while she barrels thru leaving carnage in her path of emotions and hearts.  People that can't say anything so they don't lose another loved one.  

Choices being made by this woman to lock out love to her betrothed.  That bothers me most of all!  Plans that have been made thrown to the wayside so that She can win.  Win what?  Some wierd secret war that she has forged to hurt and cut out the people that love him.  More than 1 can love a human being.  It is allowed.  Its nice actually.  The more you are loved by others is a wonderful gift.

Why do I unleash my anger?  

I don't really give 2 shits about this woman to be quite honest.  Sure there's stuff that she's done that pisses me off.  Things that she's said to people I care very much for..........I armour up.  But truly, I am unleashing and putting my anger there.  She is my scapegoat.  I have so many emotions flying around inside me these days.

Anger being formost and probably most important right now.

There is no cycle.  I've been charting like crazy.  My hopes went up when i thought I actaully knew what I was doing and ovulated.  Now only to be on day 32/33 of no period.  No pregnant Uterus to concentrate on.  Every morning I wash my face and have noticed how different my skin has become.  How soft. It is beginning to look like the skin of the ladies I remember sitting with in the church choir.  The fine soft hair that is growing.  Some not so soft.  

All thats left is my fear that is growing that I won't get my period at all.  That my cycle is done.  that I might have a slight chance my ovaries will spit out another couple of eggs.......my Anger at my doctor that he didn't just listen to me when I went to see him the first time Months ago.  The voices and comments of the last 5 years that I am too young to be peri-menopausal, that I don;t know what I am talking about.  The hormones over the last few years and how they played with my my body and then my mind.  The feelings of guilt and unworthiness that I can't give the man I love the bloodline he has waited for his Whole life.  The disapointment of not being able to grow another human.  I LOVED being pregnant.  I loved it sooo much.  I've been waiting for this.  Waiting till I could do it again.  Being able to give Charley a sibling.  Her bloodline.  A special connection.  I never realized it till now that she and Mntn have that in common............I want to cry.........

but instead I will turn that to anger.

I will be angry

I've given my first anger to the woman, now I will stop cuase truthfully I have better things to do and I'm strangley not into the drama.  Thought I would be.  I'm almost disapointed.  I feel badly that I probably thru her into a tailspin and I'm sitting over here with very few emotions about it.  Fuck, I am a Bitch!

How cold is that?

huh, I Do feel bad........  

Guess thats good then.  I don't run high on anxiety like I used to, adrenelin.  so there's a positive from this thing they call menopause - Zen has come.  

Sure my mind is speeding along, almost racing but not quite.

So I will continue to wait for my cycle.  I feel like I did when I was 14.  Maybe I should borrow The C's Judy Blume book,  'Are You There God its me Margaret?'

Blog On

counting?

so depending on how you count it -

its been 31/32 days since my last period

i have so many mixed emotions concerning this.
maybe I'll wet down another stick just to be sure. I'm pretty positive I know what the answer is

Blog On

Passports, paperwork, subsidies, tax forms........tis that time of year

Mountain is so Stooopide!!!

FAcebook Crap.  

i am tired of explaining to him how to have a relationship.  You don't go around commenting on other girls (that you fucked in the past) photo's that you wish you were there, you can see it in their eyes!

Sure now that  couple of days has passed I am not AS pissed as I was.  however, I still feel humiliated.  

He of course turns this on me.  I am insecure, I am over reacting, I have a problem.  Fuck you!  Maybe you have the problem!

You don't go wishing you can be with some other woman!

how do you think that makes me feel?  How do you think that makes me or Our relationship look?

I am tired of always undrstanding.  That was bad form buddy.  inocent or not.  Jsut really bad form and I have emotions about it.  Let me fucking have them!  Hey here's something......how bout' saying gee Kristi, I'm sorry.  I didn't realize how it sounded.  I'll delete it!

Nope you just gotta get all up and pissed off back at me.  When are you going to be understanding?

and Then I wonder why we aren't pregnant.  Guess God knows we really aren't ready.............

Stupid Mountain

just got a text - my brother and his wife are pregnant

due late sept.  early oct.

yes its Wonderful news.  I am happy for them.  I am worried about what this will do to my Sister........

Mountain is with Tea today

so Charley and I are off for a mother daughter lunch and then wander thru shops and I think I will went 27 dresses as she is having a girlfriend sleep-over!  

Taco's for dinner!

Its going to be a great day!

I cleaned my bathroom and the clean laundry is piling up as the dirty laundry is taking its turn in the washer.......i'm just going to lave it all till tomorrow!  Vaccuuming and all!

off we go then................

Right of Passage

Charlotte just came running into my room........."we have a problem!"  she announces

"smell my armpit"

"Charlotte.  you have BO"  a big grin comes across her face.  She is excited.

Its not much, but its there.

Angry at the World

I have so much to say and nothing.

its so stuid to even be on my mind as much as it is.  But it is and I can't stop thinking.

I don't know when my period is coming cuz my cycle has changed so much in the past couple months (going from 21 days to 29)  At least Now i am Ovulating!  YaY!  So I could either be 3 days late or still have 5 days to wait.........

So then i get angry cause my boobs are not sore.  than I get mad cuz if my boobs are not sore that means I'm 5 days waiting and I am Super Pissed with Mountain.

Than I think, no worries, you are still hazy on how to read the chart thingy, there's always next month.  But then NO!!!!  I don't want it next month.  That would make me due close to mine and Charlottes Birthday again!  Or that little bitch Teaghan! Or my brothers or my cousins........Ugh!  Than December - January!   I know I know at this point take what you can get.  However, Maybe if Mountain was taking any steps.  Any steps at all towards this.......don't wait for my doctors appointments make your own!!!  Maybe had he done that we would be ............

never mind.  I am just angry.  and its dumb and I hate it.  I hate feeling this way.  Its so dumb.  I jsut feel like I'm failing.

than the thoughts of what if I DO end up pregnant, and my Sister isn't.  She will be devastated!  So I am not pushing to get to my doctor as much as I could be.  I want her to get it first!  I am just a Ball of emotions.  I am thinking of everything at every angle toooo much and its making me crazy inside!

I just want to know What The Hell  than I can deal with it.  Than we can make a plan for exactly a good time for us.  Not this - we'll take what we can get shit that might take years.  Its nearly been a year!  We started having Careless sex last April.  We only realy started to get in on "trying" since September.  NOw the desparate trying.........i hate it.  I am angry.  I am not enjoying sex anymore.   my mind is many other places.  Thats right.  I am not enjoying the sex.  Can you believe it?!!  Yes i do it.  I even initiate it.  

never mind....I am just ranting and venting and just angry.  Its petty and dumb, but that  jsut how I have been feeling for the last few weeks.

Blog On

The President

Well its a big deal for our southern neighbors and its a Big deal here!

We have the lawyers from just up the block coming down tomorrow morning.  They have booked us from 8-10AM.  

So up I get in the AM.  I've set my alarm for 5:45AM.  I hope thats early enough to get myself Awake, ready and then Charley awake and ready too.  I am expected by 7:30.  Where is The Queen going?  Well with me to work of course!

My House

I wa reading Stephs post on how she hearts her home.

I heart my home too, however, I am Still getting rid of clutter, finding spaces for the stuff I still have and trying to deal let go of more "stuff" I can't stand things on my kitchen counters.  My father-in-law bought me a knife block for Christmas.  Its nice.  Its great actaully.  but its on my counter.  I hate that.

Shelves I need shelves but I'm not sure where to put them or what I would even want on them.  I like stuff to be 'put away'.  Out of sight.  So I need cabinets.  House is too small for the amount of cabinets i would like.  Nor do I have the money for them.  So i sit and re-think.......

My bathroom is done for now.  I still need a new faucet and new knobs for my cupboards, but thats a hundred bux I don't have for such things at the moment.

So i think on to my room I go.  First task is to move the bed over 3 inches so that my bedroom door can open all the way without hitting it.

When we moved in, having boxes stacked and unpacking over a few weeks was not an option. So some of my 'hidden' spaces are just a mess.  My bedroom looks like a bomb went off even when its clean.  I have many, many space saving ideas.  Just not the money or time to get to them.  But soon.  I have more time this year than i 

Ever did last year.  I've even been known to sit and do absolutley nothing!  Can you believe it.  So now its a matter of budgeting this free time I have.  As a matter of fact - i think I will go budget some of that time right now!

Blog On!

a Couple of Things

I went to the most Beautiful Funeral yesterday.

What a Wonderful celebration of life!  it was incredible.  The church was Packed.  I had to park my car on the road.  It was truly a party.  WoW!  is all I can say.  i was truly touched.  My girlfriend Tobi.(her link is on the side there)  her mom passed.  she'd been sick for a long time.  There were words from her at her own funeral.  Her family.  Her friends.  It was just so Beautiful.  Thats the only way to describe it.

the other thing is...........

FAmily Maintenance had lost track of Charlotte's Birth Father (Jeff) last year.  Whatever.  I was still recieving support.  They contacted me wondering if I knew anything.  Which of course i didn't.  Anyhow, i have been watching my case pretty closely cause I like to be prepared if he's not sending any money.  Budget and all.  I noticed last week the enforcement action had stopped.  So i guess they found him.  Now today I check and he's sent all the money he owes from back-pay!  holy Carp!  i mean its not much.  A few hundred dollars, but still.  Holy Carp!  I will take what I need to cover me and put the rest in Charlotte's bank account.  So that is Cool. Although, I hate to rock that boat you know.  He's all paid up.......i he gonna get some balls and try to contact her?  Freaks me out just a little.  I can't help but wonder if he even knows how old she is............

Would I let him see her if he contacted me?  

it would be a discussion i'd have with her i think and let her make the choice?

Hmmmmm.  Different if she wants to see him and brings it up.  I support her.  and so does Mountain.  but if he sought her out..........hmmmmm.  Guess i  should think about it

Blog On! 

I am enjoying Circus!

dance

dance

dance

Cold Feet

happy to be ovulating but freaking out all of a sudden

- is this what i want-

Fuck what a Bitch

I am driving towards my house.  I am on my lane.  I see in the distance an unfamilar vehicle parked close to my house. Oh its a truck.  Its Mntn's dad!  Ok.  Thats fine.  company as soon as I walk in the door.  Hmmmmm.  It'll be fine.  where the Hell is he parked?  He is Parked right in front of the neighbors driveway, blocking it!  Waht an ignorant man!  maybe the neighbor is out.  Nope there's their van parked across the lane on the road.  DAmn it!  How ignorant.  Why does this man have to be so daft all the friggin time?!!

I come in the house.  keep it light.  keep it light.  you know how you can get or sound

Hi (inlaw) how are you?!  Waht a nice surprise.  Did you know you were parked in front of the neighbors driveway.  You did!  Ummmm, well maybe you should move your truck.  you can park in front of our driveway.  Or infront of the house next door itself.  Yes soemone is living there!

he gets his shoes on and hi-tails it outside.  I am so embarassed and start the reel in my head all of the other things this man does that are ignorant to society and his family.

I am not going to be able to just come home, find out how Charley's Science club went after school hang with her and Mntn.  Have a quiet bath, eat..........maybe make it to the PAC meeting???  I'm  now going to have to entertain and visit.  There were a few other things I wanted to accomplish this evening as well.  Nope.  those things quickly fly out of my head as to what they were.

I see a full pot of coffee brewed.  now of course I happen to know i only had enough coffee left to brew almost 3 half pots of coffee.  No biggie.  I plan on doing a shop on Friday after the funeral.  WEll now I barley have enough for a pot tomorrow morning!  I am already home!  I could have picked it up! 

 I bark at Mntn.

he barks back.  I realize I am a tit.  He had intended to go pick some up as soon as his dad leaves.

I explain to him later after his dad left.  

I was bitchy cuz of his dad.  I coudn't yell at his dad, so I yelled about the coffee.  He understands.  he doens't agree, but he gets it.  WE hug and all is well. 

What the?

Stupid Charting!

Stupid Temperature taking!

dumb pains that I think are ovulation but my temp isn't changing!

What the Hell!  i am so frustrated.  I am currently looking for a chart online somewhere that I can just plug my numbers in each morning and it does the chart up for me.

Frig!  maybe I'll go buy a Farenheit thermometer too, that might help.  Or perhaps its just Fff'd over because I am just simply Not ovlulating.

My Sister cant get in to get the tests done she NEEDS becuase everyone is booked up.  

She has a specific test that they Have to do on the first day of your period.  She got it.  she's calling everywhere even out to Royal Columbian and she can't get in!  She is so sad.  I missed my brother-in-laws birthday on Friday.  i feel soooo bad about it.  I am a horrible person.

I JUST GOT A CALL!

Mountains car was stolen last night.  His little shit-box of a Micra!  they took it out of his parking stall drove it to another part of town, stole some womans nice truck and FO'd!  he got a call from the constable at 6:30 this morning while he was getting ready to leave for work.  it seems they didn't smash a window to get in.  they didn't pop the ignition.  he is a little concerned on how they got it started.  The steering collum is together.  Did they have a key?  yikes!  he says next time they should keep it.  How wierd is That?!

Ladies

I had just the best time EVER last night.

there is nothing like a group of bonded girls getting together.  I am still in awe that I am the only true flannel sleeper.   I Love my flannels!  can't imagine sleeping without them.  

I really honestly could have stayed up all night talking.

Mntn and I had words the next morning during brunch. 

I was sooo pissed with him that he wasn't up when I called home at 10AM!  So pissed!.  but then I have to remember. This parenting thing is new to him and Step-parenting even newer.  Charlotte is pretty self sufficient.  I mean its not like she's going to burn the house down if she's alone in the morning.  I jsut don't think its cool to leave your kid to tend to itself so that you can sleep in till after 10 without any adult.  Than he gets annoyed cause she was eating Oreos for Breakfast.  Well No Shit!  She's pulling a kid smooth operator move.  No adult up means she can get away with stuff she wouldn't normally do.  Mountain; dough-head!

So after I talked with him on the way home things were cleared up.  Him knowing, that when he called, I was sitting with my girls made him feel a bit uncomfortable.  He knows damn well fine I talked about it as soon as I hung up with him.

but when i walked in the door I had a very nice welcome.  And then we sat for a long time and I told him all about my evening. (even though we fought all the way thru that counselling session-we really did learn something) And he listened and was interested.  He was genuinely interested!  it was nice to sit,  jsut sit for a while and talk.  We don't do that very often.  Time and freedom not being on our side.

But mom was home and Charley was contented, the cat got the cuddle he needed and then Mntn touched base with me which is all he needed too.  That being the phone call.  I knowing thats all it was and him not.  i thanked him for being there and for being an important cog for my part of last night.  He is learning and so am I.

So much to talk about last night.  So much to still talk about.  We barely scratched the surface I know.  How we all have come to be.  I can't help but giggle that now Steph is not alone in her story of the conversation the first time she met Jewel!

Of course being able to laugh at things in the past.  

EAch of our relationships with one another, so unique.  EAch of you so very valuable to me.  EAch persons experiences to draw on for answers when I need them.  Thank - you.

There will be no deleting here

Blog On Dudes!

but it was nice.

Kristi is......

..........pretty darn tootin excited about seein Posse tomorrow night!

Its Been a Year Ladies!!

so its once a year.  so What!  and  a Welcome addition to our Posse.  We are an amazing group of Ladies that deserve this night together.........

i haven't worn make-up or deodorant since SAturday and I'm feeling pretty content about that.

Tomorrow - back to the grind and back to the grooming

Blog On!

A Crush?

the boy down the street confessed his Crush on Charlotte yesterday.

she is elated.

this is now on my fridge -

House Rules For Charlotte to Play with Boys


1) Charlotte may NEVER call on a boy.
2) If a boy would like to see her he can call on her. This means either on the phone or by Knocking on the front door.
3) Charlotte is Not allowed in a boys house or his backyard where I or Lyle can not see her.
4) Charlotte is not to play "alone" or with a boy where she can't be seen publicly. There may be some acceptions to this rule - left to the discrepancy of Lyle or I.
5) Charlotte may "hang-out" in front of said boys house, but is not permitted to "hang-out" in front of other peoples homes.
6) Boys are allowed to come to Charlottes house and play in her yard when an adult is home.
7) If, on the rare occasion, a boy is allowed in the house Charlotte can entertain in the living-room. The boy MUST check with his parent. If it is okay'd by A living in the home  parent  she may have him in her room only if the Door is OPEN. THIS CAN BE VETOED AT ANY TIME!
8) Boys are Not to linger outside or in front of the house waiting or spying or taunting. (see #2)
9) Charlotte is most definantly not allowed to be out after dark.
10) The Consequence For Not Respecting Any Of These Rules Can Result in - grounding - loss of privledges - Mom or Lyle taking action (mom will and can embaress and make anyones life a living Hell if she wants too) - FINALLY - Loss of Trust (Most Bad) to ever play with boy in question again. (Forbidden)!!!!

WARNINGS!

seems you can't turn the News on these days without a WARNING popping up when the weather man/girl comes on.

Right now.  Have you heard?  We have a Rain Warning in affect for the Fraser Valley.

This coming on the heels on the Snow Warnings of last week and the Wind Warnings of the week before.  Next it will be a Flood Warning, currently in affect some places.  Come summer, when we should be able to be out enjoying the few sunny days that make our what we call "summer" here on the West Coast.  We will be subjected to UV Warnings.

Blog On Dudes

I broke my windshield wiper yesterday.

Mental note.  Turn wipers off when you park and turn off car.

It be bad when you turn on vehicle to warm it up whilst you remove the 20lbs of snow of the windshield only to find you were a dough-head the night before and now have a brokeded wiper.  Frig!

Now I have a kleenex under it so it doesn't scratch the glass till tonight when Mntn fixes it.  (its ok.  I live in a trailer park)

Oh Yes I did tell him about it yesterday.  Yup told him right after it happened too so that he would have lots of time after work to take care of said stupid girlfriend mistake.  Maybe this is his punishment for me.  He has told me before not to leave "stuff" on.  Hmmmmmm.

Ok.  Really I am going to get started on my bathroom now!  Right Now!  boy I can procrastinate...........

well that was wierd.

i jsut posted this twice with nothing written.  Guess I have an itchy return finger!

Incognito?

I am under this disillusion that when I wear my frog tuke, my glasses, and No make-up people don't recognize me.

thats not true...................

Christmas and New Years Now I on Holidays!

So its 2009.  WoW.  Very wacky from my brain that was born in 1969.  I remember the 70's.......afro's gaucho's bell bottoms.  The 80's.........blue eyeshadow final net and lay-down-on-your-bed-never-bend-again-tight-jeans.  The 90's........still some big hair  lots of Kelly Bundy spandex dresses and the appearance of midrif everywhere.

Hmmm ........ 2009.  I wonder what it will bring .........

We saw the new year in while driving the coast highway on our way to Campbell River.  Charlotte asleep in the back seat.  Mntn navigating the road me desperately trying to keep my eyes open.

At his Mom's house I giggled as we got into bed. 

The Mother-in-law bed.  Every joint, spring and bit of the frame made a noise.  We couldn't roll over without hearing clanking and squeaks.  So funny.  And of course we were in the basement right underneath his mom's room.  She planned it I know.

Now i am on holidays and just taking it easy.

My tree is still up and so are my decorations.  In my defense, I haven't been able to get into the shed outside for all the snow.  but I did today.  So I have a couple boxes in and can get started on the take down of Christmas.  It'll take all week I am sure.

Well when i started this post I had great things to write about.  now it seems I've lost my gumption and all my thoughts have flown out of my head.  Whatta ya know!

Mntn made an Igloo in the back yard last night.  Its pretty cool.  I'll have to put some pics up on my foto-blog.

well Off I go now to back some buns and get started on taking my tree apart.

Blog On Dudes