Sleeping in the Playhouse Will Fix Everything!

My FAvorite girl asked me to have a sleepover with her in her house.

sore, depressed and beaten down emotionally i looked at her little face.  I felt my mood change.  That's exactly what I need!

So out we went.  she had it all set-up.  Quite comfy actually.  Pillows everywhere.  All the extra blankets were laid out on the floor so it acted like a cushion.  So cozy!  If my back and spine weren't so sore to start with it would have been a pretty almost decent sleep.

We chatted about stuff.  and to my amazement I felt myself drifting off rather quickly.

I guess I was just exhausted from the HUGE adrenalin of the day.

I woke several times in the night.  Boy my back friggin hurts!  Maybe I should go in?  Nope.  My girl asked me to sleep out here with her!  I will do just that!  im not gonna let some accident ruin this special time.  I mean - how often do you get asked on a date like this and she is growing so fast - it may be the last time!  I'm staying and I am just gonna find a Way to deal with the pain!!

Charley and I haven't been or done any of the things we would normally have done this summer.

I keep saying 'no'  scared of the pain or the repercussions -

so I stayed.  I kept thinking I would hear Mountain get up and go to work and then i would go in and have coffee with him.  I thought maybe he would come out.

I watched the sun stream through the windows and I watched as it moved as the morning went on.  I would fall back to sleep and wake again the sun couldn't reach the window anymore.  I better get up and see what time it is.  Surely Mountain must be up.  He has been staying more and more.  Getting used to being here on more of a full-time basis. (but thats another post)

Yup!  up and gone!  Coffee in the pot.  Bed made.  Its 8:30AM!  Holy Carp!

Auggy greeting me.  So happy I am here!  I took him out to the house to wake sleeping beauty.

so although i sit here typing and my spine is stupid painful - it was good.  I needed that.  I had funny, funny dreams.  I was in England last night meeting Mntns Sister, my Nana was alive and there......Elaine from  Seinfeld.....yah funny dreams.

As I lay there in the wakeful moments of the middle of the night and morning.

  I will have to suck it up and swallow my pride as I did 11 years ago when I was pregnant with Charley.  I will use my mortgage insurance.  That's what its there for too!  We will go to Barkerville and I will make it happen!  not ridiculous plans.   

Like i said before, its not a cruise or a trip to Disneyland - its a family road trip.  Not PILES of dollars -  just a hill.  Just gas money and camp-site money, not the end of the world!  and Mountain is footing half!

I spoke to ICBC  They won't let me fall to the wolves.  i will get the foamy my Dr suggested for the camping trip.  I'm gonna need it.   That was a good thing to learn now before the trip.   I will get back on the phone today and see if I can save 10 dollars on my shaw - phone/internet/cable package.   Perhaps cancel something???

Already cut off my cell phone last month

i will do my best to keep things going cut corners, but not so many that we are miserable.  Mountain and The Queen don't deserve to be miserable too.  Not taht I do either, but there are some  things I get to do alone and misery is one of them.  I won't bring them down anymore than I already have becasue of it!

and lots of Self - talk

lots of uplifting words from myself, friends.  

positive.  

it could be worse.  It really could be much, much worse.

It will be ok.  It will be ok.  It will be ok

its just - I run a household.  On my own.  Mortgage, house insurance, life insurance ect.  Lots of things I CAN'T cut back - to suddenly have 1/4 of my income - 

Okay.  Enough of that! Woa.  almost went to the bad place again!  

Blog On!

am i gonna need to go on welfare?

i'm am freaking out!  not at all well.  Sick, to my stomach.  Guilt!  Guilt!  Guilt!

I am pissed off and I am so hoping this all comes out in the wash!

DAMN IT!  I NEED TO BE WORKING!

STUPID ACCIDENT.  STUPID. STUPID. STUPID

it'll be ok.  it'll be ok.  it'll be ok.  

positive self talk will make it better?

the Shop

guess the call came.

not sure when, but I heard about it last night.

has he seen that child this summer?

NOPE

but he's heard from Leah, when she has wanted somehting.  There was the incident a few weeks ago.  There was the wierd babysitting call early July late June??  I don't document like I used to so now all i have are angry memories without the dates I so need.  anyhow, Shopping time is here and she called.  he of course Jumps.  I've said put on the brakes.  Please don't buy ALL her clothes.  Please jsut do the shop just with the kid.

there was no more discussion.

I would like to see him just hand her some cash or a gift card and be done with it.  Tea can do a fashion show for him after.  The same as what Charley does.  Or maybe, get her school supplies list and go do that with her and treat her to a nice lunch after.

but I bet I know how Leah expects this to pan out.

They all shop together.  All day. like a cute little family He spends piles of money and she spends nothing.

What am i going to do about it?  Besides act like a 12 year old cuz that seems to be the only thing that works.........not sure.  Refuse to ride in his car again because she has tainted it for me?  call social services on her?  Tell him he can't come over for awhile?  Just not sure.

Hopefully I won't have to think of antyhing that I feel i have to do.  Hopefully he see's how she uses him.  she is creating a monster in her daughter.  If he doens't put the brakes on now......well its almost too late.  Tea already treats him that way.  UGH!  its jsut a living nightmare for me!

blog On

You gotta love how inadequate my parents manage to make me feel.

mmmhmmmm.  Uh huh.  Frig!  I need to just keep my mouth shut and then i don't get the responses I hate to hear so much

holiday?

our First family holiday together - We are going!

I won't allow this stupid accident or the fact that Uncle Visa has to pay for the whole thing.  We will have a fantastic time and make grand memories for us all!  I will pack a foamy to put on top of the air mattress just like the doctor said!  I will stretch and exercise and be uncomfortable, but we deserve this FAmily vacation.  We have been looking forward to it all year!  I won't let them down.  If I have to sleep in the car - I won't let them down!

Blog On!

HAHAHAHA!!

as it turns out - i am dumb

pay-day was last week!  I am confused cause of time off and I didn't pick up my cheque and.......

so anyhow, i will wait till next week for my last cheque and hopefully my ROE papers.

Although, while I was there i heard a rumour about myself.

Did you know i am resigning?

I didn't either.

Neat!

ROE

so today is pay day at work.

i head in after physio to pick up the last cheque I'll be getting for awhile from that place.  Leaves me feeling a bit sick to my stomach.  He is to have my ROE papers ready stating that I am off due to medical reasons.  Why do I have this sinking feeling that it won't be done??

My birthday is coming in less than 3 months

I'm already getting depressed

DAting?

my 10 year old has asked me how old she needs to be till she can date?

WHAT!

What a Diet

Being on sick leave now means,  i  don't have any snacky type foods in my house.  Well I have some but we are now rationing them, cuz really.......i don't know When I will have extra money again.

 I am doing my physio exercises once in the AM and once before bed.  My Tummy is going to be so toned!  Holy CArp!

Although a freakin' scary Painful diet that I wouldn't recommend for anybody, I bet i look amazing in 6 weeks!

I am looking up Medical EI and it is pissing me off

told work yesterday that I was going to need to take some serious time off.  I feel awful about it.

but i am NO good to anyone like this.

i hurt all the time.  That relapse of last week really scared me.  Stepping, and without any warning, my leg just not being there!

I onloy worked thursday and friday of this past and I left on Friday in pain.

After doing so well and really believing I was gonna be able to do a ful shift by the end of the month and then BAM! no reason.  no warning.

I feel bad to let my co-workers down.  

I feel awful that this might just mean my job........

but I HAVE to heal.

Muscles, torn, stretched, ripped - take longer to heal than bones - but you get more understanding and recognition of injury with a cast.

so tomorrow i go in and then after work I will go see my doctor and see what and how long he says.

Therapist said 7 to 10 days minimum. and Thats just to rest it so the swelling goes down and the pain subsides a bit.

I LOVE my job.  I hate this.

everything happens for a reason. 

1 door closes another 1 opens

Blog On

RCMP Respond

They went.

I got an email

i called.

immense sobbing.  He is ok. and he is not.  he assured me he will not hurt himself.

i am glad I called the cops

How do I Reach Back?

Hi Kristi,

Here's my email address if you wanted to add it to your contacts.- tonyf70xxxxxxt or anthony_afxxxxxx.  

To tell you the truth Kristi, I am extremely depressed. I miss Lucy more than I ever thought I would. I want to be with her so very bad. I feel her spirit in me and that brings me comfort. I sometimes talk to her at her memorial at the cemetery and at home.

I cannot return to the beach where I scattered her ashes. There were even little fragments of bones in the ashes, my Lucy bones. It's so very painful to think of that.

I'm not happy here on earth anymore, I have no desire to be here and absolutely no will to live. I don't go anywhere and I can't get out of bed. I have no one. I'm ready to go whenever God is ready to take me home. I think I'll be with Jesus & Lucy sooner than I think.

I wonder why God didn't take me when Lucy died. I wanted to go with her then. Oh well, it's gunna be very soon now, I can feel it, I can't wait to be there with my Love, Lucy.

You'll read all the details of whats been happening here in the letter I sent to you. Should be there by Tuesday. I'm glad to hear you are still with Lyle and that Charlotte is growing up so well & healthy.

Don't worry about me, I still have my precious little kitty-Lu and my Mom calls sometimes. And I'll be in a better place soon enough, I'm sure.

Take care, you've always been a great friend, a little harsh at times, but it's been great knowing you.

 

Bye for now,

Tony.

I received this last night.  I haven't heard from Super Tony in awhile.

He lost his wife last summer to Cancer.  She's had it since they were married and they'd been married at least 7 years.  It wasn't a surprise that she died.  But it was to him.  

She'd started 4 or so years ago with a tumour in her uterus as big as a football.  she had everything removed.  Uterus ovaries total and complete hysterectomy.  It was very sad.  She was only 21.  She went through extensive treatments.  Then they found more cancer - it never stopped.  The cancer wanted her.  In the end she was riddled with it in every part of her body.  Bones, brain, skin, she was never going to make it.

 They'd gone through that thing that I can't remember the name of now, that families go through to prepare you for the inevitable.  

They and he had been through lots of death counseling before the day came and after.  yet he was completely surprised the day she died.  Utter shock!

The letters I had gotten from him a few weeks before had been about how how she was getting better.  Even though the doctors had told them both that she was gonna die and would maybe not make it through the month.  He's even mailed me from the place that i can't remember the name of, that families stay.  its like the final stop.  When you hear the name you'll know what I'm talking about and everyone knows thats it.  Its just time to wait for the end.  

But not Tony.  I've never experienced such complete denial before.  Compete ignoring of the obvious.  I felt bad for him and annoyed at the same time.  I wanted to help him through her departure, but he was never letting her depart.  Now I get this coded letter.  Do i contact the police and put him on suicide watch?  He is on the Island.  

There is a point where positive thinking is great, but sometimes,  no matter how positive you are, reality - i don't know.

What would you do if you got this letter? 

Time for a Bra

July 26th 2009

After being at the waterslides the day before I realized it was time to do the shop.

not that she is bouncing or huge or really even all that noticeable.  Just the roundness in that area that makes you look and think - is that?  is she?  But in a wet tank top -

Mountain and i couldn't say anything as she ran up to us, wet, after being in a pool close to where we were sitting.

she ran away and I blankly look at him.  Did he notice? "i think she needs a new tank top for her bathing suit"

"oh yah!"  he says. WE stare at each other not knowing what to say.  Just a blank look on both our faces.  

So the next day off we went for the mother daughter bra shop.  We went to my favorite store, Wal-Mart.  We went in and went to the kids section where the socks and underwear are.  I was talking to her and asking colors, holding them up.  "MOM!!!!"  I soon realized it had become that kind of moment.  I had forgotten.  The embarrassment.  So I held it up again really close to her.  She turned and pretended not to know me looking at the T-Shirts on the next rack.

Ahhh.  Well that was fun for a brief moment.  Then I decided not to embarrass her further.  People would walk by doing their own shop and i would play along with her and turn to look at the T-Shirts in the next rack too.  Finally we'd selected a few different sizes and styles to try on.

In to the change room I hobbled with my 10 year old daughter desperately trying to hide her selection as we walked.  I could see her scanning around, trying to get to the change room as quick as she could.  What if Someone from School saw Her?!!

In we went.  She was eager to try on her first bra.  hiding herself from me as she changed.  (odd i thought)  With each bra I asked her to put her hands in the air and bend over.  Checking material and straps.  How far do they ride up? do they ride up?  how are the seams - bulky?  smooth?  

We settled on 2 "Smart" sports bras in white size small.  They are more like really short tight tank tops.  

"mom, we HAVE to go through the self check-out!"

I grin to myself.  "of course Charlotte"

Our girl is Growing up

My Job

SAw my doctor again today.

i'd only just seen him last thursday, the relapse.

the thing that sucks about the relapse, besides the immense pain, was that it had only been 2 days before that I had told a co-worker I thought I might be able to return to my full shift by Friday!

than of course Friday came and i couldn't even take tables.  Stood in the bar blinded and dizzy with pain.  Fell down in the kitchen trying to get up the back stairs.  Pulled my arm muscle on the way down as I tried to stop myself by grabbing onto the door handle.  Mitch just looking at me.  Not even for a moment stopping to ask if he can help.  Even one of the kitchen staff coming up to ask if I need help as I sat there on the stair in tears from the pain instantly turning into embarrassment.

I wnet in on Saturday,  Mountain by my side to tell him I wouldn't be in till Thursday.  Doctors orders.  The clinic doctor that is.

So now today I saw my doctor yet again.  He is concerned.  The lumps have gone down, but they are still there.  What do I want to do?  He will support me medically no problem, I am clearly not healing in a timely manner.  Torn muscles take longer to heal than broken bones.  but He can't support me financially.  Medical leave is not going to give me much.  Mountain has said he will support us.  Do I care if I lose my job anymore?  No.  Not so much.  I don't want to work for someone so unsympathetic.  Do I whine too much?  Thats possible.  He doesn't seem to take my injuries seriously.......

do I want Mountain to take on this responsibility?  I don't know.  Losing my Independence?  do I want to wimp out, give in and show weakness?  no.  Not to anybody.  Do I want to be ok?  YES!  I wanted to, was looking forward to Barkerville.  Doc says go.  DAd says I'm a fool if i do.  I don't know.  I don't want to screw up my claim anymore than i already have.   But I don't want my family to suffer through summer and the things we haven't been able to do or won't be able to do......

so Doc says try work again.  Keep taking it easy.  And if it happens again (the relapse)I'm off.  3 time down, I'm down.  He says i didn't do anything.  These things happen.  Relapses happen.  Was it trying to swim in the pool?  WAs it being intimate?  was it walking in my yard?  don't know.  Coulda been as simple as jamming on the brakes in my car when I was driving to work.

I am confused and lost.  I don't even know what the question was anymore

Gearing up For Battle

I am getting ready for the School Shop Battle.

the One with Mountain and his cute little shop with his other family.

there was an incident this weekend and I am still boiling beneath the surface.  and Now all I can think about...............

August

I needed fish food.

No don't go to Wal-Mart.  I can't walk from the car inside.  My hip is Killing me! I know, there is a littel place just around the corner.  I don't have to walk hardly at all.  Lets go there!

In we went.  

And out we walked just over an hour later with the newest member of our family!

Meet August - better known as Auggy or Gus depending on who's talking to him.  Or if he is in trouble  

As far as we can figure he is approximatly 5/6 months old.  He is a tabby siamese cross.

and How ironic - we walked in the door with him and my message light on my answering machine was blinking.  It was the lady from VOKRA letting me know our application for adoption had been accepted.

All we went in for was Fish Food!  Honest!  it was a accident!

Our New addition

Holy Pain Batman!

Did I Shave my Legs for This?

Now that my legs are shaved it should be a cooler day for me.  

Although I love being hot, i have therapists and doctors stretching me and getting pretty up close and personal with my hairy beast like legs.  I haven't shaved in Weeks and since I see my doctor yet again today I thought - why not give him a treat!  Thats the least I could do.

Blog On

Creating Anxiety for Myself?

I think so far ahead with stuff sometimes.

for example.  When I do my bills and budget its always for the month ahead.  I already know how much money I am short for 'stuff' for the END of August.  All my money that I get throughout the month gets put in a safe place and then there is banking day at the end of the month that takes care or everything for the month ahead.  It all goes in at once and then it all comes out at once.  Then i see what I am left -over with.  understand? 

so of course when i go over my 'stuff' for next month I already know that School supplies and clothes - well I just don't know.  I'm hoping to be working my full hours again.  

but as I was thinking about how I'm going to manage, i thought about the fact taht Leah is going to want Mountain to pay for Tea's school clothes again this year.  and I started to get really pissed!  We haven't even had the discussion yet.  And its not so much that he is going to pay for them.  It is - but I'll get to that in a moment - its the way and the process it all goes through.  They all go out as one happy family to shop.

no.  No.  NO!

give her cash and she can go.  Give her a gift card.  Get a list and we will go.  Or you just take her on your own.  BUT NO SHOP TOGETHER!  that irks me to the end of the earth!

now as far as spending money.......well, he feels a responsiblity.  fine.  He feels she is his daughter.  fine.  However, in our present situation i hope he has the sense, the balls, and the knowledge to put the brakes on for the amount that is spent!

so this is something that is looming up for me.  Something i am making myself stressed out about more than i need to be I know.  but it Haunts my brain for the past week.

I hope to have taken care of a bit of it.

Keep Your Friends Close and your Enemies Closer and if your not sure - Keep Them In Your Back Pocket!

Blog On!

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer   :)

the Good with The Bad

well the good news is I managed everything for next month.

my overhead that is.

I've accepted the fact that the new fence i had saved for is just not going to happen and that we will just be exposed till next spring.  Thats not great.  But its not the end of the world.  The planters and trellis work.....also a luxury that i said goodbye to awhile ago.  

now to itemize and try to figure out some major things.

house insurance - school clothes - school supplies - vacation? food? gas?

i have 500bux to stretch.

Mountain not been working his 5 days a week all summer becasue the work isn't there at his plant. Only 4.  its only 1 day a week but he is down every month a bunch of unexpected money too.  He was told to take the rest of his vacation time so that the company doens't have to lay-off anymore people.  So he'll be taking an extra week just before I take mine and he'll be taking Charlotte that whole time!  So that is awesome it will help with daycare costs!

We discussed the vacation to Barkerville we had planned.  It was to be our First family vaca together.  WE have all been looking forward to it.  He said lets do it anyway!  We'll bring what I need to be comfortable sleeping in a tent on the ground and we'll just charge it!

WHAT!???  did i just throw-up a little in my mouth.

He says he wants to look back on our life together and have good, happy memories of vacations and summers.  Charley is growing and isn't going to be around to do stuff like Barkerville forever.  We can't afford to do Disneyland.  I've never been.  We can't afford Mexico or the Caribbean or a trip to England to visit his Sister or justify a night in a fancy hotel just the two of us, but a family trip to Barkerville? its a little easier to justify, and not nearly as much 'debt' as us trying to justify something more glamorous........Debt is soemthing we will always have.  The money will work out and i won't be half- working forever.

Is justifiable debt ok?

so Now i toss it around.  Charge it?  Crap.  I keep thinking about what Jewel always says - you can't take it with you - or soemthing to that effect.

What if my car blows-up?  i suppose if all we do is just go straight to Barkerville, stay for the days we planned and then come home.  Maybe stop in at my brothers? probably not?  Cancel the road-trip part?  It won't be too, too bad will it?  

i'm never going to get that ring.  DAmnit!

i don't know what to do.   Opinions Blogger Dudes!

 Help!!!

i need to crunch vaca numbers again.............

Daddy's 65

not for a year or so

i am frustrated and .......ARG

So i saw the Lawyer

so i didn't sign the lawyer.  Not yet.

he talked.  i talked.  Siting in an air-conditioned room that made my spine ache.  I kept my back straight and protected in the comfy leather chair to help keep it insulated from the chill around me.

He's been a lawyer for 10yrs.  For his first 3 yrs he worked FOR ICBC as their lawyer!  So he knows stuff.  Fine.  I told him my story so far.  I told him that Lisa (my adjuster) has been working with me and has been so very wonderful.  I told him about the paper she wants me to sign and that I hadn't.  He praised me for that.  As they will, and can, go and use anything,  ANYTHING to make my claim, and all that becomes a part of it, crap.  I showed him the documents.  Some were dated May 11.  the date of the  accident.  Some had no date at all.  The ones with no date are the ones to worry about.  those are the ones I have to fill in and make sure it says MAY 11.  Then, he said, go ahead and sign them.  As far as he getting involved right now........he told me that she is working with me at this time.  She is working for me, so just keep with her, for now.  I will need him, but he says if he gets involved now there is no way i will get wages subsidized or receipts paid for as it goes to the next level of adjusters and they are not as co operative or nice.  So wait till i am able to work full-time hours again before i get him involved.  That way when I get cut-off I'll land on my feet.

He did suggest going on medical leave, but since I've cut my hours in half over 2 months ago that 60% isn't going to do much for me.  he suggested asking my therapist about going to physio more days of the week, like 5.  To help get better.  Once again i brought up the cost and my poor, poor ViSA.  So thats no good either. he guestimated my time of healing to be easily, and at the least a year.  Go through winter first he said.  This is not going to be over anytime soon.  Which is what I already knew.  

I talked about my injuries and the damaged pelvic muscle.  He knew exactly waht it was and commented on what a serious injury that was.  How are you walking?  Yah.  I'm amazing!

So thats that then.

Blog On

More Thoughts

I'm just tired and pissed off with this whole thing.

i keep doing my stretches and excercises.  They do help so thats good.

I never thought I would be still hurting this long away from the accident.  I am sooo surprised.  I didn't know that there would so many things that i really just can't physically do.  Not stuff that I shouldn't but I do anyway, but stuff that I really just can't.  So bizaare.

a Lawyer isn't going to fix my body, but he can take away some of the stress?  can he?  Or will he create more?  

on my own this will hang over my head for a year or at least another 6 months.  With the Guy.....2 easy.  Do I want that?  and Then it goes into spy time.  ICBC people watching me.  If they havne't already.  I don't like that either.  Its bad enough that my boss watches my every move with the cameras and listens in when the phone rings, to have someone in tahts a 'guest' watching me.

ICBC hasn't been that awful to me, really.  I've jsut been told by everyone not to trust them.  I don't want to make a mistake.  I don't want to make this decision.  Someone help me do the right thing!  am i getting screwed already and just don't recognize it?

I'm just so confused.  I don't want to make more out of this than it needs to be.  But I just keep hearing from everyone that I need a lawyer.  I don't know

guess I'll wait till 4 and see

Blog On

Thoughts

to the lawyers I go tomorrow.

With the same question i asked my adjuster - if i were to settle today waht would I be looking at as far as a settlement goes?

Why do I ask that?

cuz I want to see if its the same answer as the adjuster.

if it is......well I have a lot to consider.....that means i can get the same on my own and not have to share 30% with a lawyer.  Then there is the on going hassle of all of this.  If I hand it over to a lawyer he deals with the hassle.

i know the adjuster is jsut doing her job.  She has superiors she has to answer to.  She gets paid no matter what my outcome is.

If i go through a lawyer I'm easily looking at a couple years before I settle and then possibly court!  YiCK!  I HATE court!

I'm not doing this for money, but, i don't want to get Screwed either.  I'd rather just settle with my adjuster but...............do i trust her and her superiors to do whats right by me.

back injuries have a very high possiblity of being life long  

I don't know if I want to go in and instantly trust a man that I have to tell about what is going on.  Like my sex life is nearly non-exhistant now and i end up hurting when we do.  The part where we've had to put on hold the fertility testing, that my boss threatened my job and made me feel insecure about it.  That I don't know if or when I will ever be able to stand on my feet for 7 hours again.  To be able to lift 50lb boxes of pop and carrying them as I should be able to.  the feeling of utter hopelessness that is creeping up inside me.

i feel so vulnerable. So incapable and so Stupid.

So I want to let one more person in to taht?

Can i trust them?

What if he tells me to stop working?  What do I do to make ends meet then?

What if?

What if?

What if?

ARG!

Gonna se a lawyer on WEdnesday.

talke to my adjuster about where my claim is at right now.  She says that I shouldn't even consider settling yet, but if I did, at only 2 months in, it could be anywhere from 1500 - 4000.  I don't even plan to consider thinking about settling -well for one - when I can do my full shift again - two, when I make it through my first winter.  Cuz as it is now, going to the movies and being in the A/C was stiffning.  i don't even want to imagine what weeks of cold and rain are going to do to me!

I let my dad know what was going on.  Well you have to get out of that business!  Yes DAd.  you need to do something else.  I know dad, but I don't even know what to do.  You need to think of Charlotte and do soemthing else.  You can't work in restaurants anymore there's no future.  Yes Dad I know.  I can't think about that till I can even sell myself for another job.

I know I need to get out.  I just don't know what I will do.  He says to me get out of your comfort zone and do soemthing else.  ummmm....yah, cuz the last time I did that it went so well?  Right?

i know I need to.  i know i have to leave there.  i get that.  But get off my back about it right now.  i jsut want to deal with this, get better and figure it out.

What if the lawyer says stop working?  What the FFFF will i do then.  i already managed to screw myself by cutting my hours for medical leave.......but i kept working cuz I was scared to lose my job.  and I need the job once I am better.  Its so so .....i didn't think I was going to be this broken this long

I want to crawl in a hole where no one can find me

i am stressed out and freaked out and  i really want to find that hole.

Turning my Frown upside Down!

Today i will call the lawyers office and make an appointment.

I will get a hold of Rogers and get this phone turned into Pay-as-u-go

I have physio at 3;30

I will smile sweetly all day at work and do my job to the bet of my ability.

I will be MORE frugal with my tips and not let any slip into my wallet for the chocolate bar I so badly want.  10 for daycare the rest for everything else.

I can do this and I will!

Blog On!

Where I am At

Rent - 475

Mort - 455

car Ins - 105

life Ins - 15

Visa -

Gas - 40

Hydro - 50

Shaw - 120

cell pone - 50

my bills each month.  That does not include gas for my car, food, daycare, clothes, odds and ends............

so first to change is the cell phone.  I still need it as i need it for emergency.  I called last night and couln't get through.  Got through today, but of course the department i wanted (pay-as-u-go) is off on the weekends.  I should have remembered that having worked for the company.  but at least i will be able to get that bill down by 20 I think.  I need to look into Shaw and see if there's a better bundle for channels and stuff.  Shaw covers my internet, phone, and cable.   Other than that everything else is in stone.  We will have to watch the hot water usage and lights to try to get those down.  I've got all flourescent everywhere except the bathroom -

As long as my child support comes through i will make those bills next month.  All except Visa.  Don't know what I am going to do about that.  Of course its been growing rapidly cuase thats how I've been paying for physio and massage.  A massage taht i am not going to go do again cuz the bills are just hanging over my head and i will just have to make due without it.  I can stretch?

i did apply for a loan so hopefully that comes through and at least my interest rate won't be so high.

We had planned a much looking forward to Barkerville trip at the end of August.  Money that I did have put aside....now gone to other things.  

We have a back to school shop at the end of next month too.  School supplies.  Its going to be at least 300/500.  This is a middle school shop and she needs everything cuz i hadn't bought anything for the last couple years.  ie. back-pack winter coat boots....i was waiting till middle school so it would be a cool thing to have it all new to start in a new school - which we don't even know whre she is going yet!  More stress i don't need.

as I drove Charley to Camp Squeah we chatted.  I mentioned to her that we might not be able to go to Barkerville.  She was disappointed but ok.  I told her we could do other things during our time off.  She loves our road trips, then I told her a road trip probably won't happen either.  She got silent.  More disappointment.  Than it came up that we might not be able to go camping....she stared out the window.

I have to make this happen!

My summer is wrecked, but I'll be damned if I let hers be this wrecked too!

What is it?  Was I a really rich bitch in a past life?  I try to make good choices.  I have my moments.  Heck.  I've had lots of moments.  I know I am a hard person to take sometimes.  but what is this cycle?

2 years ago we moved on our holiday.  The year before that I went wacky.  I have been trying to concentrate on the silver lining.  And really its not so awful.  it could certainly be much, much worse.  I am just really down and stressed and..........why do I struggle so?

I had a savings account.  One with money in it!  a bunch of money even

this work thing is getting to me.  I have to leave.  but I can't sell myself broken as I am.

i had even thought on the way home from Hope that fine.  I'll just go back, suck it up and work my hours!  but you know what?  I can't.  I actaully can't.  Nevermind being on my feet for 7 hours will kill me, the stocking the lifting the moving of tables the..........i am not milking this.  I am hurt.  I really am.

so once i am able to be the server i know I can be I will go.  It sucks though cuz even if I get the same hours my wage will not be the same.  I will be taking a HUGE hit to leave.

I am just really down.

I will make an appointment tomorrow to meet with a lawyer.

ICBC didn't subsidize my wage this time.  They wanted me to sign an authorization form so they can look and go through all my stuff.  medical, dental, work everything.  So i walked out with nothing.

I will be ok.  Mountain does have my back and he is just wanting to be there and help me.  I will let him.  I just have to be even more frugal.  Charley will get her holiday!  Charley will go to the waterslides!  I will figure this out and make it happen!

Blog On

i have this feeling i will lose her

is it parental or intuition? 

forms & the Boss

funny how he still hasn't recieved the forms in the mail.

he was surprised when I said I just went to ICBC and picked them up.  He asked that I fill them out as I have been keeping track of my hours.  So i did that last night.  Now lets see if he gets on it and signs them as he should so that I can get them back to Lisa(ICBC adjuster)

Replaced?

A week after the accident.

The week that I had 2 extra days off to make the May long weekend a 4 day weekend.  The week that I tried to work a Full Wednesday, but couln't.  Took off the Thursday and then tried again to work a full Friday.  Only to realize that I might just have to go on medical leave......I sat in his office doing my cash.  Off early again on a Friday.  My hip and leg throbbing.  Hurting to sit.  Hurting to stand.  He said it.  I wasn't sure till a couple days ago if I had heard him correctly.  I kept second guessing myself because of the incident a few months ago.  But even second guessing myself I knew that what he'd said he really did say.

if you need to take any of time off for this I will have to replace you.

REPLACE!!!

What?!  so without question I kept working.  Shortened my hours after talking to ICBC and finding out that they will cover my lost wages I felt I could manage half days.  and I have.  Not without pain or discomfort.  Some days barely making it to my car.  Even this past Monday I tried to get my shift covered cuz my mid-back and neck were so bad the headache was crazy.  I just didn't want to put my body through it!  of course in the end having to cuz the one girl that could cover me didn't have her phone on her for 2 days!  so in I went.  Loyal.  I wouldn't want to hoop him?  During these last 2 months I looked into medical leave finding out that I need to just be off to get it.  Missing days here and there don't cut it.  Listening to my family, friends and customers telling me I shouldn't be working while listening to those words in my head.  REPLACED.  Meanwhile pushing myself casue I can do this!  I can do anything!  My dad getting really upset a few weeks ago that I was still working in this pain and shouldn't be.  Then I told him.  I told him what Boss had said.  We'll take him to court, he says.  If that happens Kristi I will make sure you have to money for a lawyer!

So here I sit 2 months later.  Still not ok.  Certainly better!  but still not ok.  this last week has been good with the leg thing.  I feel as though I might be on the upswing of healing.  I get mass headaches now and I really feel my spine.  Especially with this last bout of wet weather.  That was hell.  When out of the blue, during lunch, BM straight out asks me if I plan to go on medical leave.  He needs to know cause he will need to hire someone if i go.  I will need to be replaced.

What?  I don't know.  

Well I need to know.

Great.  I would like to know too.  But I don't.  So if I don't how can I tell you?  I walked out of the kitchen.  Puzzled.  What the hell was that all about.  Where did that even come from?  I go back in the kitchen to ask him what brought this on.

he just needs to know cuz he has people he can hire, but if he doens't have the hours for them he can't hire them so if I am leaving then he can bring them on.

my response - umm ok.  I don't plan on going anywhere.  I've managed for the last 2 months.  Besides if somehting did happen and I was to go on leave I'd be coming back when I was able to work my full hours again and I'd get my shifts back.

No.

Excuse me.  You have to.

No ACTUALLY  I don't.  I ACTUALLY don't have to.  I ACTUALLY looked into it and I only have to keep your hours for you for maternity or bereavment or paternal but not for sick.

I am jsut staring at him blankly.  I can't believe we are having this conversation.

you have to work your way up just like anyone else we were to hire.  you'd start part-time till somehting came available for you.  Of course we'd be good to you.  you've been with us for 3 years and we love you and all.  you understand right?

Still staring blankly at him.  My anger fuming.  No.  No, ACTUALLY i don't understand!  I turned and walked out of the kitchen.

now, top this stupidness with the fact that he needs to fill out my wage loss report.  That he's conveniently misplaced.  I started asking him about that last week.  Tuesday.  He'll find it he says.  I got right on the phone and had my adjuster mail him another one.  She says it went in the mail on July 8th, Thursday.  he says, as of yesterday, it still hadn't arrived.  Now keep in mind, this is not the first time he's played God with someone's lively-hood.  I watched as he held a girls cheque and ROE back in the fall.  It got so bad in fact, that her parents had to come down from Prince George to get it!  SAme excuse.  The mail can take weeks you know........

He is currently not submitting my girlfriends kitchen hours to her culinary school so she can get to the next level with her Chef training.  I'll do it don't worry.  He's been telling her that since March!

So What am i going to do.

Well, I talked to my adjuster again yesterday and personally went to her office to pick up the forms he needs to fill out.  I photocopied them, I will give them to him today.  Oh Yes i told her what was going on.  SAw my doctor yesterday too and told him what was going on.

i don't need this added stress.  I really don't.  What does he think I am doing when I get off early?  its not like I can go to the beach!  I can't walk far and I certainly can't do hills or stairs all so great without paying for it later.  I spend my after hours at physio twice a week.  Massage twice a week, doctors......or doing physio at home when I get home from work!  Ferrying my pre-teen daughter around cuz now I can cuz I am off early and she can cultivate some much needed friendships.

So I borrowed the program that I need for my beautiful Mac and I am getting my information gathered and I am doing up my resume.  I am slowly gathering my things out of the restaurant.  I've already brought a couple plants home and some knick-knacks.

Selling myself in a broken state is not going to be easy, but I'll worry about that when the time comes.  Mountain is going to let me lean on him.  I've explained to him how this works.  Full-time days?  I will need his help BIG TIME!

So for now I smile sweetly and act like nothing is wrong and continue on till its time.

In the end - I am sure he would be fine and hire me back and give me my shifts and so on.  Its the principal.  Why  go on a power trip?  Why do you feel the need to keep me down or under your thumb?   Why do you need to make me feel insecure about my job?

Because you can?

No.  I'm not into the abuse thanks.

He is a bully.  He was one through-out his teenage years and he hasn't stopped.  He is only 25.  I don't like to be bullied and if I can lean on Mountain than that makes it all the easier to make the choices i need to.

Blog On

How many times does my Asshole Boss feel he needs to threaten my job

I am doing up my resume.  

i don't need to be treated like this.  I deserve better.  

I thought those pills were not only supposed to help me sleep but loosen up the tight muscles.  Frig.  Neither happend.

I only took them twice when the accident first happened.  They did nothing but make me dopey and stoned.  but I thought I would try them again.  Give them another chance.  you never know, maybe I was just tooo sore then.

Nope.  They are crap!

I am pissed off!

Life is sucking!

bad day

this has just been a bad day.

on Saturday i washed my kitchen floor, scrubbed my bathroom from top to bottom, vacuumed, went to mom and dad to celebrate daddy's 65th.  Went in the pool.  WAlked down to the river so that Charley could show me the coolness she found.  Helped my mom clean up supper dishes.......

yesterday I got 'stuck'  while turning my head to shoulder check over the left shoulder.  Frig that hurt.  My eyes even watered.  I turned and then BAM!  i couldn't turn back.

so today i tried since yesterday to call someone in - i ended up working cuz there was no one.

I am tired of this.  Tired of feeling better than not.  Tired of losing my summer!  I want to go to Harrison for icecream and a walk on the beach with C.  I want to go to the waterslides.  I want to be able to go to Barkerville!  Right now it is looking like non of that is going to happen.

I am very sad and depressed.

I am missing out on summer with my girl.  Even though I have all this time now - I don't have money to do anything cuz I am not working and there is so much I just can't put myself out there to do.

Frig!  I'm annoyed

OPSY

I gotta stop stopping my posts in mid-thought and then posting!

my masage - well it felt like i got hit by a truck.  and now a week later, i hurt more.  I go again tomorrow for another massage.  Hopefully something gets relieved cuz the headaches are just annoying.  At least its not the migraines from a few weeks ago.

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Therepeutic Massage?

So I went on Tuesday for my FIRST therepeutic massage concerning this accident I had.  They are supposed to be helpful Right?

I suppose it will b

battles

These battles.  These demons I have.  I allow them to stay.  Why?

do I like the battle?  are they secretly good friends that I don't want, can't let go of yet?  Will i be left without ?  No, I know my old friend OCD will come and keep me compnay.  But why hasn't OCD pushed its way in anyhow?  Is it too weak right now?  Are the others stronger?  OCD had a nervous breakdown too when I did 3 years ago.  OCD actually gave up before I did.  Thats how the others got in and set-up camp.  OCD gave me anxiety and made me more judgemental than I need to be.  OCD is a snot ........I'm not sure if I like OCD.  I know I don't fully appreciate my new friends eventhough they do have some good qualities too......

I will keep the battle going

if only they could work together -

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Things are Changing

Well, we got word yesterday that Mntn's room-mate did indeed get married to the girl that he's only been dating for a few months and just proposed to, this weekend.  She is now living there.  So I HAVE to figure out how to go through these closets and get this room of mine organized to fit another person in here.  The room-mate told mntn not to worry and that he still needs his money to help pay his mortgage.  (room-mate doesn;t work.  Niether does new wifey.  She doesn't have her green card.....)  But Mntn knows he is not going to want to stay there.  I'm sure he'll be living here by September.

Are we ready?  To cohabitate?  Yah.  We are, just not in this house.  DAmnit!  There's just not the room for his clothes even.  So it sucks that this was kinda not the "plan"  but I guess everything happens for a reason.  I'm becoming more and more annoyed that I don't have a shiny finger yet.  I'm pissed that I had to use my savings account becasue of my accident and now I am so behind in the things I wanted to achieve this summer.  GRRRRRRR.  Now my house insurance is due and I don't have the money!  FUDGE!  I am happy though that I can at least garden virtually on FArmVille and FArmTown.  That gives me pleasure.  My daughter gives me pleasure.  Its been nice being with her more.  Its been nice reading.  Even though its been mostly trash mags, its still nice to have the time to read.

i gotta go.  Time to work.

Blog On!

Healing?

Its nice to have a manageable day of pain!  WoW!  

After SAutrday i really thought I was never going to work again.  Dragging my body to my car.  Lifting my leg in......it was awful.  I was in such pain.  but I sat in the pool.  Drank some wine.  Did my stretches and sat with a Rice bag for the rest of the night.  I wasn't great on Sunday, but I was ok enough to work.  So this is a bonus!  Maybe I am finally on the upswing of this accident and gonna get better soon.   That would be nice.

Saw the paper on SAturday.  The SPCA is over-run with kitties.  I really want a couple.  But i just don't have the money.  Not when I need a new fence and we have a holiday that I am trying to save for at the end of august.  Also, we plan to go away at the end of August.  Will freshly adopted kitties manage?  that might make them think they've been left again!  I mean, my girlfriend will come stay, but still.  I don't want to attribute to their anxiety of being left in the first place!  Its a lot to consider.  And I don't have a fence up yet!  I don't want them wandering all over once they are allowed outside.

*sigh*  so much to think about.

Blog On!

Hmph?

My young second cousin got married very quickly last weekend.  There was no warning!  They are expecting.

Mountains friends - 2 of them - getting married.  One this summer.  I noticed on FAcebook that Karen must've tied the knot and her last name is changed.  Sister is pregnant with Twins.

Disapointed, Jealous, frustrated, caring then not.  

Wanting to and being ready yet not being ready to physically live together.

now I have all this time to organize and do my closets as I'd like and I can't!  I need a bigger house.

FUDGE!!

My rent went up again.  Fudge.  Every year.  We're in a recession!  Get over the rent freeze from years past will ya!

went up by 19bux.  Guess I'll be making a call.  #@#%$!!!

Canada DAy tomorrow!  YaY  Canadians!  I have my Canada DAy bows on my house!  I'm proud to be a tacky Canadian!  don't drink Canadian though. Not a fan.  Sleemans Honey Brown......nice.

Feeling better about Berry Fest working.  its still gonna be rough......but not as bad as i thought.  Boss Man thought of me and is looking after me.  I will be in the bar or the store.  Sux cuz Berry Fest is a BIG money weekend for me (ARG) but at least I can still work, not let my team down,  Be part of the team, and hopefully not come out too terribly damaged.  Stupid Leg!  Stupid Owie!  Stupid tight muscles! What The Hell!

Sister has 2 egg sacs!  she had the ulta-sound yesterday.  and at the moment....there are 2!  She was fertilized on June 4.  So exciting.  So hopefully she is able to keep them both and the unfortunate doens't happen.  SAcs absorbing sacs and stuff.......

Yay  Sister!  I will be an Auntie to little ones close by again!  I haven't had that since Muck had her Babies........

Blog On!

Bitter Much?

One so sudden the other expected.  Both a shock on the same day.

as i tend to my cut foot....................

Things in my life sooo suck right this moment.

Actually, they don't, but my mood is so solemn and so down that it just seems like these trivial things are just so very big.  Or maybe they are very big and I am trying to make them small so I can deal with them and not fall into the depression I am so afraid I see coming straight at me.  Or am I already in it?

Mountain showed up with flowers last night to help cheer me up.  He is soo wonderful.  but alas, i am sad.

Off I go to try and fix at least one thing today that I might have the power to fix!

BaNG!!!

Pyrex is is not meant for stove-top cooking

not Glad

not at all!

Catch 22  

I have too many thoughts in my head.

I have a dull headache and my spine hurts and my hip joints are achy, my neck keeps cracking and.......

i want my body to be 35 again

Charley has been denied to the middle school.  I don't have a plan B

my Dad is awesome.  He is worried about my back and my job and my healing.  SAid that if Boss man pulls any wankers he will make sure I have the money for a lawyer.  I love my Dad

So today is the day we go camping.

Decided to take the Pig - Guinea Pig that is.

Yup we are tenting with a pig.  No instructions with the new tent we've only put up once in the dark.  Mntn coming after  us, so it should be dry till he gets there.  

Blog ON!

Another link!

such an awesome plug!

The other one below, the Food Pages, I know Boss man and Lady read often.  She has not been around as much and she is trying to change.  Altough unsuccessfully and not conistantly either.  But at least........trying - kinda - maybe.  The jazz is now left playing through-out the week.  Just changing for the business of the weekends.  The girls don't get in as much trouble now when they spend time at their tables talking.  So the comments do help.  Hopefully, we can stay away from those Kelly Bundy dresses!

I think cause its totally anonymous and easy it gives a  lot  of people a voice they wouldn't normally know what to do with.

Blog On!

Check out this link!

Nice stuff was said!

feel free to say more nice stuff.  Especially if it has to do with me.  HeHee

CAmping

so its raining.

BAHAHAHAHAHA!

I have to laugh cuz we are to go camping on friday for the weekend.  and As you know it rains every time we go with Mountian.  20+ days without rain and ........... Yup.  Thats about right.

Its ok.  I got smart last year after our last trip of the summer where we were soaked, and it rained under our tarps.  New Tarps!  We will be going prepared!

Not sure about this trip already as I don't quite know how I am going to set stuff up or load my  car or unload or.......the bending lifting action doens't work in my body so good.  I told Charley she will be helping more than usual this year.  She's good with that.  We'll see how it goes.  I just have to take it easy.  No long walks around the lake......Slow camp set-up.  

Enjoy the rain!  i know my plants are.  But drive safe.  Its gonna be slippy out there!

Blog On

BETTER

Well there I go.

a good dose of feel-sorry-for-myself and i pick up my socks and get right back at it!

i am good.  I am ok.  I just suffer through this back, leg, neck, spine thing and i struggle to not be depressed.  I just have to remember to keep my chin up and take my Vit B and keep on The Plan i have for the wee bit of money i now have coming in......

you know it sucks!

jsut before this accident I had gotten my savings in a really good place.  I was in charge of my finances and feeling really good about the projection of the summer I could see ahead.  and the BAM!  it all halted, jolted and twisted about.  Depletion.

but I can get back on top.  I just have to make a new plan.  Save harder and keep going!  I'm a month and behind and my savings - *sigh*  its ok.  Its good that I had it.  but now.............

I'm Back on The Horse!

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Guilt

I am living, and have been doing so, in guilt.

Give me an inch and I take a mile.  My guilt is my own.  I haven't wanted to do the final change.  Do I want to now?  I am still not totally sure.  I just don't like the guilt.  Feeling ashamed.  Am I ready to commit to making a difference?  I guess I don't know the answer to that yet either - so I guess I will continue in guilt till I can do it all the way.  Till I really want it..............

I don't like myself today

Charley's First Plane Ride!!

The Queen got her first plane ride.

It was on the Fleet Canuck.  The oldest plane there.  Built in 1946!  Just her and the Pilot.  Randy  something.  She got to fly the plane and everything!  Grand-dad would be soooo pleased!  i lent her my old film camera to get some shots from the air.  Can't wait to see what she got!

How exhilarating it was for her.  We were up and out of the house by 8AM to get her there and in for her flight time of 8:30AM.  Mountain escorted us there in his new Jetta.  I wish I'd gotten more pics.  But it was hard to get what I got.

How did this come about you  ask?

The Abby flight club put an ad in the local paper back in February!  to say that in honor of celebration of their anniversary they were going to offer Free flights to 100 kids in Abby!  All i had to do was send in an email!  So I did!  YaY for reading the paper!

Charley was on of maybe 4 kids that got their own One on One flight.  The rest of the kids were in 4 to 6 seater planes.  The clubs pilots volunteered their time to make this special event happen.  She got a certificate signed to say it really did happen and I bought her a pair of flight wings that were there to go on her camp blanket for commemoration.

What an Awesome Experience!  

Irritated? I think

so I have thoughts

I have feelings

Mountain bought a New car yesterday.  yes he needed one.

there wasn't anything shiny in the glove box.................

Its June.  I hate being "that" girl.  

its Time