44 is staring right at me
I am unhappy with my life. I know I am in a dark place and I also know I have tried to pull myself out. It just keeps getting darker and darker.
Charlotte keeps me living. She always has.
My husband is wonderful, but I don't give him the love he deserves. I try, but I am mean to him. Nobody deserves to have a person be mean to them.
Nobody can help me but me and I don't want to help me. Sometimes I get moments when I want to, but then its gone .........
I don't like who I have grown up to be
I am unhappy.
I don't like my job. I don't like my home. I don't like my clothes or the body that goes in them. I don't like my smile. This is not what 44 was supposed to look like.
I like Charlotte. I like my husband. I like my kitties. I like my car. I like that i have lots of life insurance so my family will be looked after.
i miss being sober and can't find my way back to that. Another thing I try and fail at.
I dislike that I keep having hot flash after hot flash. I dislike that I don't get a period anymore.
I am sad that we couldn't make that building happen. a Home a job . Everything happens for a reason. I am sure it would have killed us financially. It was a lot to bite off. Huge overhead and if I couldnt have made the restaurant better than what it already is ...........
I am mad that we waited so long to try the fertility. So long and it was too late. I am sad that my brother moved away and I don't get to see my nieces and nephew. I am sad taht I don't see the nephews I have here.
I need to make changes - i need to get out of this place - this dark dark place. I need my husband to understand more. I need to not take so much out on him. I blame him for things. I blame him for no baby. I blame him that we are still living here. I blame him for my fatness. I blame him for my wine. I blame him ......
he brought up Teaghan the other day and now I am on the edge ever since. Is he going to call her. Is he going to start that up. I can't stand it. The only reason he brought her up is cuz of Joe. Joe and his brain fart.
he brought up who is he going to leave his tools to....... guilt guilt guilt. I feel like shit. I coudln't provide him with an heir.
I am such a mess and i put my family thru too much. They don't deserve this. They don't desreve to be on the roller coaster with me
end it? no - my life insurance is void if i do that.
I am a little scared about where I will go after......... i pray, but I don't love God enough or like I used to. Something else I blame husband for. God is important to me.
its frosty out. first frost of the season. Glad I fixed the fountain yesterday.
I need to get ready for the job I dislike now. Maybe its a no mascara day
