So so much has been going on in this head of mine.I've been irritated, more than irritated with Mntn the last while. Then he started on nights, so he has just been in my space. Then at night when I am home The Queen is in my space.
the man irritates me cuz he doesn't do stuff. He doesn't get on things. Now part of that is because he is a man. and Men just don't work the same way as women. but as I have learned ...... there are women that don't work the same way i do either. So really, its just my problem. However, that being said, there are some things the man excuse just falls short on.
Don't tell me or mention or say, i don't do your laundry. That I don't fold your laundry and leave it for you to put away in the basket. Don't tell me you did a load of your own laundry, but didn't wash any of my stuff cause you didn't want to wreck it. Now that isn't the part that irks me. I get not wanting to wash my clothes. I have work clothes now.......so they sometimes have to be washed in a special way. Or not dried or .......... but Don't go ahead and tell me that shit and then take the stuff I had in the dryer out. Leave it in a lump on top of the drier and proceed to do your own. Fold it and put it away! Especially when what you pulled out of the drier was Sheets and Towels!!! the man excuse does NOT fly for this one. that was just a plain and simple ignoramousfuck move!
I sat and got frilled in the examination of discovery a few weeks ago. He asked me how Lyle had helped me. I seriously had to think about it.
what did he do last summer? He built Charlottes playhouse. Yes it was a wonderful thing for him to do. Yes he worked hard in the blazing heat all summer long. What did i do?????? i fed 3 people and cleaned up after them. I bought an upright vacuum so I could clean the house easier. I slept in dirty sheets because it was too hard to make the bed once a week. My tub stayed filthy with the curtain closed so no one could see. My flowers wilted. My kitchen floor had a sticky spot all summer .......... so while he was here 'helping' me by building a playhouse, i didn't sit or rest or not do nearly as much as I should have. Every night I BBQ'd dinner .........
now he is a cloud because he hasn't seen that kid.
in his head he wanted to see her this weekend. he didn't share that with the kids mother. We didn't see her this weekend. he did take one piece of my advice and he did contact the grandmother. He did let the grandmother know that we would like to have the kid for Boxing Day. He has yet to ask the kids mother. Christmas is only 10 days away ........ he frustrates the crap out of me.
I sit here typing away with a pile of his dirty laundry just inside the bedroom door. Nope I am not doing it. I haven't done his laundry in weeks, since the comment.
the Sperm thing pisses me off!
he got that re-do demand for the test in may of 2008 ...... he never did it. I was in pain and blablabla anyhow. However, he could have done it so that now - we would be armed with the information we/I need to move forward. Months ago he had some time off and I guess he was bored. So blowing some hot-air up my ass seemed fitting. so he thought. He went to his doctor and came home with a wee test bag in preparation for the re-do ........ but here we are. Still waiting for him to do it! I have missed the all important window. My doctor has pretty much told me that for me to get pregnant now will be a friiken miracle!
What the hell else is he going to drop the ball on? buying a house? buring his parents?
and you know, this is all almost fine, if he would just let me lead then. Let me take control and make the appointments for him. Get the ducks in a line for him. If he would call the bitch and use the script I give him. Then shit would get accomplishes and done.
so where has my head been the last few months? well my feet have been cold. I am asking myself a lot of questions of whether or not I can live with him for the rest of my life. Live like this, for the rest of my life........
I get that he is working till 1:30 every evening now, but do you really have to sleep all day. I mean, is it necessary to sleep all the way till an hour before you have to work.
you don't get a badge because you FINALLY put the boxes back in the shed. Boxes we have been tripping over that I have been saying need to go back in the shed. The last of the boxes that I already put back in the shed because we tripped over those for just over a week. Boxes that you finally took out there because i put them out on the front porch in preparation to take out the shed myself, but had already done to much that day and pulled my groin, but was going to do anyway.
why is it that he can't realize or see or understand that the reason i wash the dishes and wipe the counters down before i go to work in the morning is because i don't want to come home to the sight of a dirty kitchen. Just because its all tidy, doesn't give him the license to dirty it up and oh so graciously leave me with nice new dirty dishes in the sink to clean.
So now that my period has come I do feel some of the anxiety lifting. However, not all of it. I have anger simmering just beneath. Not all of it at him. Some of it at myself. some at my body. Some at life and time. Some at my mom. Lots at the accident. and Questions. Lots of Questions in my head. Do I love him? What I feel for him is very different from what I have felt for other men that have been in my life. Am I settling? Is this what i want? Is this a good decision? Marriage is a really big deal.
I try to talk to him and he doesn't let me have it. Doens't let me have amy anger or my feelings. So how do I work past this then. How do i communicate with my partner about what is going on in my head. The things that upset me or make me sad or frustrated or ........ how do i do that when he doens't want to hear me ..........
lots going on in my head.
lots
