I Got It!!!

its here and it hurts but its here!  YaY!

Off i go to put a hot water bottle over my bloated Gut.  Ooooh and back pain too.  This is going to be a doozy

Bad?

do i feel badly for letting loose on some unsuspecting girl?

yes part of me does, but part of me sooo does not.

I am angry.

i am angry for my own shit, but i am angry that she hurts one of my friends while nearly a year ago she bothered another.  It pisses me off to read all that she puts her 'family' thru.  and why does her insignificant life even register for me?  I'm not sure.

I don't like that people around her hold their tongues as to not rock the boat while she barrels thru leaving carnage in her path of emotions and hearts.  People that can't say anything so they don't lose another loved one.  

Choices being made by this woman to lock out love to her betrothed.  That bothers me most of all!  Plans that have been made thrown to the wayside so that She can win.  Win what?  Some wierd secret war that she has forged to hurt and cut out the people that love him.  More than 1 can love a human being.  It is allowed.  Its nice actually.  The more you are loved by others is a wonderful gift.

Why do I unleash my anger?  

I don't really give 2 shits about this woman to be quite honest.  Sure there's stuff that she's done that pisses me off.  Things that she's said to people I care very much for..........I armour up.  But truly, I am unleashing and putting my anger there.  She is my scapegoat.  I have so many emotions flying around inside me these days.

Anger being formost and probably most important right now.

There is no cycle.  I've been charting like crazy.  My hopes went up when i thought I actaully knew what I was doing and ovulated.  Now only to be on day 32/33 of no period.  No pregnant Uterus to concentrate on.  Every morning I wash my face and have noticed how different my skin has become.  How soft. It is beginning to look like the skin of the ladies I remember sitting with in the church choir.  The fine soft hair that is growing.  Some not so soft.  

All thats left is my fear that is growing that I won't get my period at all.  That my cycle is done.  that I might have a slight chance my ovaries will spit out another couple of eggs.......my Anger at my doctor that he didn't just listen to me when I went to see him the first time Months ago.  The voices and comments of the last 5 years that I am too young to be peri-menopausal, that I don;t know what I am talking about.  The hormones over the last few years and how they played with my my body and then my mind.  The feelings of guilt and unworthiness that I can't give the man I love the bloodline he has waited for his Whole life.  The disapointment of not being able to grow another human.  I LOVED being pregnant.  I loved it sooo much.  I've been waiting for this.  Waiting till I could do it again.  Being able to give Charley a sibling.  Her bloodline.  A special connection.  I never realized it till now that she and Mntn have that in common............I want to cry.........

but instead I will turn that to anger.

I will be angry

I've given my first anger to the woman, now I will stop cuase truthfully I have better things to do and I'm strangley not into the drama.  Thought I would be.  I'm almost disapointed.  I feel badly that I probably thru her into a tailspin and I'm sitting over here with very few emotions about it.  Fuck, I am a Bitch!

How cold is that?

huh, I Do feel bad........  

Guess thats good then.  I don't run high on anxiety like I used to, adrenelin.  so there's a positive from this thing they call menopause - Zen has come.  

Sure my mind is speeding along, almost racing but not quite.

So I will continue to wait for my cycle.  I feel like I did when I was 14.  Maybe I should borrow The C's Judy Blume book,  'Are You There God its me Margaret?'

Blog On

counting?

so depending on how you count it -

its been 31/32 days since my last period

i have so many mixed emotions concerning this.
maybe I'll wet down another stick just to be sure. I'm pretty positive I know what the answer is

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Passports, paperwork, subsidies, tax forms........tis that time of year

Mountain is so Stooopide!!!

FAcebook Crap.  

i am tired of explaining to him how to have a relationship.  You don't go around commenting on other girls (that you fucked in the past) photo's that you wish you were there, you can see it in their eyes!

Sure now that  couple of days has passed I am not AS pissed as I was.  however, I still feel humiliated.  

He of course turns this on me.  I am insecure, I am over reacting, I have a problem.  Fuck you!  Maybe you have the problem!

You don't go wishing you can be with some other woman!

how do you think that makes me feel?  How do you think that makes me or Our relationship look?

I am tired of always undrstanding.  That was bad form buddy.  inocent or not.  Jsut really bad form and I have emotions about it.  Let me fucking have them!  Hey here's something......how bout' saying gee Kristi, I'm sorry.  I didn't realize how it sounded.  I'll delete it!

Nope you just gotta get all up and pissed off back at me.  When are you going to be understanding?

and Then I wonder why we aren't pregnant.  Guess God knows we really aren't ready.............

Stupid Mountain

just got a text - my brother and his wife are pregnant

due late sept.  early oct.

yes its Wonderful news.  I am happy for them.  I am worried about what this will do to my Sister........

Mountain is with Tea today

so Charley and I are off for a mother daughter lunch and then wander thru shops and I think I will went 27 dresses as she is having a girlfriend sleep-over!  

Taco's for dinner!

Its going to be a great day!

I cleaned my bathroom and the clean laundry is piling up as the dirty laundry is taking its turn in the washer.......i'm just going to lave it all till tomorrow!  Vaccuuming and all!

off we go then................

Right of Passage

Charlotte just came running into my room........."we have a problem!"  she announces

"smell my armpit"

"Charlotte.  you have BO"  a big grin comes across her face.  She is excited.

Its not much, but its there.

Angry at the World

I have so much to say and nothing.

its so stuid to even be on my mind as much as it is.  But it is and I can't stop thinking.

I don't know when my period is coming cuz my cycle has changed so much in the past couple months (going from 21 days to 29)  At least Now i am Ovulating!  YaY!  So I could either be 3 days late or still have 5 days to wait.........

So then i get angry cause my boobs are not sore.  than I get mad cuz if my boobs are not sore that means I'm 5 days waiting and I am Super Pissed with Mountain.

Than I think, no worries, you are still hazy on how to read the chart thingy, there's always next month.  But then NO!!!!  I don't want it next month.  That would make me due close to mine and Charlottes Birthday again!  Or that little bitch Teaghan! Or my brothers or my cousins........Ugh!  Than December - January!   I know I know at this point take what you can get.  However, Maybe if Mountain was taking any steps.  Any steps at all towards this.......don't wait for my doctors appointments make your own!!!  Maybe had he done that we would be ............

never mind.  I am just angry.  and its dumb and I hate it.  I hate feeling this way.  Its so dumb.  I jsut feel like I'm failing.

than the thoughts of what if I DO end up pregnant, and my Sister isn't.  She will be devastated!  So I am not pushing to get to my doctor as much as I could be.  I want her to get it first!  I am just a Ball of emotions.  I am thinking of everything at every angle toooo much and its making me crazy inside!

I just want to know What The Hell  than I can deal with it.  Than we can make a plan for exactly a good time for us.  Not this - we'll take what we can get shit that might take years.  Its nearly been a year!  We started having Careless sex last April.  We only realy started to get in on "trying" since September.  NOw the desparate trying.........i hate it.  I am angry.  I am not enjoying sex anymore.   my mind is many other places.  Thats right.  I am not enjoying the sex.  Can you believe it?!!  Yes i do it.  I even initiate it.  

never mind....I am just ranting and venting and just angry.  Its petty and dumb, but that  jsut how I have been feeling for the last few weeks.

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The President

Well its a big deal for our southern neighbors and its a Big deal here!

We have the lawyers from just up the block coming down tomorrow morning.  They have booked us from 8-10AM.  

So up I get in the AM.  I've set my alarm for 5:45AM.  I hope thats early enough to get myself Awake, ready and then Charley awake and ready too.  I am expected by 7:30.  Where is The Queen going?  Well with me to work of course!

My House

I wa reading Stephs post on how she hearts her home.

I heart my home too, however, I am Still getting rid of clutter, finding spaces for the stuff I still have and trying to deal let go of more "stuff" I can't stand things on my kitchen counters.  My father-in-law bought me a knife block for Christmas.  Its nice.  Its great actaully.  but its on my counter.  I hate that.

Shelves I need shelves but I'm not sure where to put them or what I would even want on them.  I like stuff to be 'put away'.  Out of sight.  So I need cabinets.  House is too small for the amount of cabinets i would like.  Nor do I have the money for them.  So i sit and re-think.......

My bathroom is done for now.  I still need a new faucet and new knobs for my cupboards, but thats a hundred bux I don't have for such things at the moment.

So i think on to my room I go.  First task is to move the bed over 3 inches so that my bedroom door can open all the way without hitting it.

When we moved in, having boxes stacked and unpacking over a few weeks was not an option. So some of my 'hidden' spaces are just a mess.  My bedroom looks like a bomb went off even when its clean.  I have many, many space saving ideas.  Just not the money or time to get to them.  But soon.  I have more time this year than i 

Ever did last year.  I've even been known to sit and do absolutley nothing!  Can you believe it.  So now its a matter of budgeting this free time I have.  As a matter of fact - i think I will go budget some of that time right now!

Blog On!

a Couple of Things

I went to the most Beautiful Funeral yesterday.

What a Wonderful celebration of life!  it was incredible.  The church was Packed.  I had to park my car on the road.  It was truly a party.  WoW!  is all I can say.  i was truly touched.  My girlfriend Tobi.(her link is on the side there)  her mom passed.  she'd been sick for a long time.  There were words from her at her own funeral.  Her family.  Her friends.  It was just so Beautiful.  Thats the only way to describe it.

the other thing is...........

FAmily Maintenance had lost track of Charlotte's Birth Father (Jeff) last year.  Whatever.  I was still recieving support.  They contacted me wondering if I knew anything.  Which of course i didn't.  Anyhow, i have been watching my case pretty closely cause I like to be prepared if he's not sending any money.  Budget and all.  I noticed last week the enforcement action had stopped.  So i guess they found him.  Now today I check and he's sent all the money he owes from back-pay!  holy Carp!  i mean its not much.  A few hundred dollars, but still.  Holy Carp!  I will take what I need to cover me and put the rest in Charlotte's bank account.  So that is Cool. Although, I hate to rock that boat you know.  He's all paid up.......i he gonna get some balls and try to contact her?  Freaks me out just a little.  I can't help but wonder if he even knows how old she is............

Would I let him see her if he contacted me?  

it would be a discussion i'd have with her i think and let her make the choice?

Hmmmmm.  Different if she wants to see him and brings it up.  I support her.  and so does Mountain.  but if he sought her out..........hmmmmm.  Guess i  should think about it

Blog On! 

I am enjoying Circus!

dance

dance

dance

Cold Feet

happy to be ovulating but freaking out all of a sudden

- is this what i want-

Fuck what a Bitch

I am driving towards my house.  I am on my lane.  I see in the distance an unfamilar vehicle parked close to my house. Oh its a truck.  Its Mntn's dad!  Ok.  Thats fine.  company as soon as I walk in the door.  Hmmmmm.  It'll be fine.  where the Hell is he parked?  He is Parked right in front of the neighbors driveway, blocking it!  Waht an ignorant man!  maybe the neighbor is out.  Nope there's their van parked across the lane on the road.  DAmn it!  How ignorant.  Why does this man have to be so daft all the friggin time?!!

I come in the house.  keep it light.  keep it light.  you know how you can get or sound

Hi (inlaw) how are you?!  Waht a nice surprise.  Did you know you were parked in front of the neighbors driveway.  You did!  Ummmm, well maybe you should move your truck.  you can park in front of our driveway.  Or infront of the house next door itself.  Yes soemone is living there!

he gets his shoes on and hi-tails it outside.  I am so embarassed and start the reel in my head all of the other things this man does that are ignorant to society and his family.

I am not going to be able to just come home, find out how Charley's Science club went after school hang with her and Mntn.  Have a quiet bath, eat..........maybe make it to the PAC meeting???  I'm  now going to have to entertain and visit.  There were a few other things I wanted to accomplish this evening as well.  Nope.  those things quickly fly out of my head as to what they were.

I see a full pot of coffee brewed.  now of course I happen to know i only had enough coffee left to brew almost 3 half pots of coffee.  No biggie.  I plan on doing a shop on Friday after the funeral.  WEll now I barley have enough for a pot tomorrow morning!  I am already home!  I could have picked it up! 

 I bark at Mntn.

he barks back.  I realize I am a tit.  He had intended to go pick some up as soon as his dad leaves.

I explain to him later after his dad left.  

I was bitchy cuz of his dad.  I coudn't yell at his dad, so I yelled about the coffee.  He understands.  he doens't agree, but he gets it.  WE hug and all is well. 

What the?

Stupid Charting!

Stupid Temperature taking!

dumb pains that I think are ovulation but my temp isn't changing!

What the Hell!  i am so frustrated.  I am currently looking for a chart online somewhere that I can just plug my numbers in each morning and it does the chart up for me.

Frig!  maybe I'll go buy a Farenheit thermometer too, that might help.  Or perhaps its just Fff'd over because I am just simply Not ovlulating.

My Sister cant get in to get the tests done she NEEDS becuase everyone is booked up.  

She has a specific test that they Have to do on the first day of your period.  She got it.  she's calling everywhere even out to Royal Columbian and she can't get in!  She is so sad.  I missed my brother-in-laws birthday on Friday.  i feel soooo bad about it.  I am a horrible person.

I JUST GOT A CALL!

Mountains car was stolen last night.  His little shit-box of a Micra!  they took it out of his parking stall drove it to another part of town, stole some womans nice truck and FO'd!  he got a call from the constable at 6:30 this morning while he was getting ready to leave for work.  it seems they didn't smash a window to get in.  they didn't pop the ignition.  he is a little concerned on how they got it started.  The steering collum is together.  Did they have a key?  yikes!  he says next time they should keep it.  How wierd is That?!

Ladies

I had just the best time EVER last night.

there is nothing like a group of bonded girls getting together.  I am still in awe that I am the only true flannel sleeper.   I Love my flannels!  can't imagine sleeping without them.  

I really honestly could have stayed up all night talking.

Mntn and I had words the next morning during brunch. 

I was sooo pissed with him that he wasn't up when I called home at 10AM!  So pissed!.  but then I have to remember. This parenting thing is new to him and Step-parenting even newer.  Charlotte is pretty self sufficient.  I mean its not like she's going to burn the house down if she's alone in the morning.  I jsut don't think its cool to leave your kid to tend to itself so that you can sleep in till after 10 without any adult.  Than he gets annoyed cause she was eating Oreos for Breakfast.  Well No Shit!  She's pulling a kid smooth operator move.  No adult up means she can get away with stuff she wouldn't normally do.  Mountain; dough-head!

So after I talked with him on the way home things were cleared up.  Him knowing, that when he called, I was sitting with my girls made him feel a bit uncomfortable.  He knows damn well fine I talked about it as soon as I hung up with him.

but when i walked in the door I had a very nice welcome.  And then we sat for a long time and I told him all about my evening. (even though we fought all the way thru that counselling session-we really did learn something) And he listened and was interested.  He was genuinely interested!  it was nice to sit,  jsut sit for a while and talk.  We don't do that very often.  Time and freedom not being on our side.

But mom was home and Charley was contented, the cat got the cuddle he needed and then Mntn touched base with me which is all he needed too.  That being the phone call.  I knowing thats all it was and him not.  i thanked him for being there and for being an important cog for my part of last night.  He is learning and so am I.

So much to talk about last night.  So much to still talk about.  We barely scratched the surface I know.  How we all have come to be.  I can't help but giggle that now Steph is not alone in her story of the conversation the first time she met Jewel!

Of course being able to laugh at things in the past.  

EAch of our relationships with one another, so unique.  EAch of you so very valuable to me.  EAch persons experiences to draw on for answers when I need them.  Thank - you.

There will be no deleting here

Blog On Dudes!

but it was nice.

Kristi is......

..........pretty darn tootin excited about seein Posse tomorrow night!

Its Been a Year Ladies!!

so its once a year.  so What!  and  a Welcome addition to our Posse.  We are an amazing group of Ladies that deserve this night together.........

i haven't worn make-up or deodorant since SAturday and I'm feeling pretty content about that.

Tomorrow - back to the grind and back to the grooming

Blog On!

A Crush?

the boy down the street confessed his Crush on Charlotte yesterday.

she is elated.

this is now on my fridge -

House Rules For Charlotte to Play with Boys


1) Charlotte may NEVER call on a boy.
2) If a boy would like to see her he can call on her. This means either on the phone or by Knocking on the front door.
3) Charlotte is Not allowed in a boys house or his backyard where I or Lyle can not see her.
4) Charlotte is not to play "alone" or with a boy where she can't be seen publicly. There may be some acceptions to this rule - left to the discrepancy of Lyle or I.
5) Charlotte may "hang-out" in front of said boys house, but is not permitted to "hang-out" in front of other peoples homes.
6) Boys are allowed to come to Charlottes house and play in her yard when an adult is home.
7) If, on the rare occasion, a boy is allowed in the house Charlotte can entertain in the living-room. The boy MUST check with his parent. If it is okay'd by A living in the home  parent  she may have him in her room only if the Door is OPEN. THIS CAN BE VETOED AT ANY TIME!
8) Boys are Not to linger outside or in front of the house waiting or spying or taunting. (see #2)
9) Charlotte is most definantly not allowed to be out after dark.
10) The Consequence For Not Respecting Any Of These Rules Can Result in - grounding - loss of privledges - Mom or Lyle taking action (mom will and can embaress and make anyones life a living Hell if she wants too) - FINALLY - Loss of Trust (Most Bad) to ever play with boy in question again. (Forbidden)!!!!

WARNINGS!

seems you can't turn the News on these days without a WARNING popping up when the weather man/girl comes on.

Right now.  Have you heard?  We have a Rain Warning in affect for the Fraser Valley.

This coming on the heels on the Snow Warnings of last week and the Wind Warnings of the week before.  Next it will be a Flood Warning, currently in affect some places.  Come summer, when we should be able to be out enjoying the few sunny days that make our what we call "summer" here on the West Coast.  We will be subjected to UV Warnings.

Blog On Dudes

I broke my windshield wiper yesterday.

Mental note.  Turn wipers off when you park and turn off car.

It be bad when you turn on vehicle to warm it up whilst you remove the 20lbs of snow of the windshield only to find you were a dough-head the night before and now have a brokeded wiper.  Frig!

Now I have a kleenex under it so it doesn't scratch the glass till tonight when Mntn fixes it.  (its ok.  I live in a trailer park)

Oh Yes I did tell him about it yesterday.  Yup told him right after it happened too so that he would have lots of time after work to take care of said stupid girlfriend mistake.  Maybe this is his punishment for me.  He has told me before not to leave "stuff" on.  Hmmmmmm.

Ok.  Really I am going to get started on my bathroom now!  Right Now!  boy I can procrastinate...........

well that was wierd.

i jsut posted this twice with nothing written.  Guess I have an itchy return finger!

Incognito?

I am under this disillusion that when I wear my frog tuke, my glasses, and No make-up people don't recognize me.

thats not true...................

Christmas and New Years Now I on Holidays!

So its 2009.  WoW.  Very wacky from my brain that was born in 1969.  I remember the 70's.......afro's gaucho's bell bottoms.  The 80's.........blue eyeshadow final net and lay-down-on-your-bed-never-bend-again-tight-jeans.  The 90's........still some big hair  lots of Kelly Bundy spandex dresses and the appearance of midrif everywhere.

Hmmm ........ 2009.  I wonder what it will bring .........

We saw the new year in while driving the coast highway on our way to Campbell River.  Charlotte asleep in the back seat.  Mntn navigating the road me desperately trying to keep my eyes open.

At his Mom's house I giggled as we got into bed. 

The Mother-in-law bed.  Every joint, spring and bit of the frame made a noise.  We couldn't roll over without hearing clanking and squeaks.  So funny.  And of course we were in the basement right underneath his mom's room.  She planned it I know.

Now i am on holidays and just taking it easy.

My tree is still up and so are my decorations.  In my defense, I haven't been able to get into the shed outside for all the snow.  but I did today.  So I have a couple boxes in and can get started on the take down of Christmas.  It'll take all week I am sure.

Well when i started this post I had great things to write about.  now it seems I've lost my gumption and all my thoughts have flown out of my head.  Whatta ya know!

Mntn made an Igloo in the back yard last night.  Its pretty cool.  I'll have to put some pics up on my foto-blog.

well Off I go now to back some buns and get started on taking my tree apart.

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