Work

Well. I did it. I told my boss that I had a new job.
I found out yesterday that my new boss wants me to go for training early tuesday morning on the computers.
than i think my first shift will be Friday of next week.

The reason i say i think is becuase the restaurant is brand new and not even open yet.
He's waiting for all the city inspectors to pass him.
He may not pass and then not be open till the following week!
so i haven't known what to say to my boss.
There aren't any jobs in the next couple weeks anyhow. so I don't know what I was giving my notice to!
I know terrible.
but I covered all the parties for next week.
I'm working the one wednesday night.
Then when i told him he opened his book and there were jobs in there for thursday and Saturday now too!
Aaaaaaahhhh!
I am unavailable Thursdays anyhow cause Charley has piano.
so now I will search for a sitter for Saturday and keep my word to him.
I just can't keep working these nights. Especially during the week. I just don't have people to watch Charlotte. When the girl is here its fine, but she has to work too as she is paying her own way thru life......
she's only here once or twice during the week.

I feel soooo bad.

So my new job is in a restaurant.
mon-fri....9:30-5:30 every day except Thursdays when i'm off at 2:30 to pick up Charlotte from school and get her to piano.
Wage is good. Benefits to come. Expansion of the business too. Lots of room to move up and retire eventually.
its very promising as long as it all works out.
Restuarants of course are a hard business to make fly.
hopefully though it all goes well cause this would have a very promising future for Charley and I.

Graduation 1987

Its Gone

This is so wierd.
I don't really have anything to say these days.
Fieldtrip was great!
went up the mountain in the skyride thing.
I was fine.
I mean. I am petrified of heights. So totally afraid. I prepared myself that there was a good possiblity I could pass out.
but you know what........
I was fine.
Man a livin' These ARE good drugs!

Here i Am!!

I am here.
Time has jsut gotten away from me.
I've been spending some very important me time and healing all my owies.

I go on a field trip with The Queen's class tomorrow. WE have to be at the school by 7:45AM Holy Carp!!
Grouse Mountain. Its going to be a long day.
She is so thrilled to have her Mumby coming.

Oh Yah! Got a new job too!
I'm very excited about it. I feel bad to leave my boss. I'll still be available to cater Saturdays for him. I got what I asked for from this guy and its an awesome opportunity so I'm doing it!
Get in on the ground floor of a promising investment.
I'm excited!

Blog On Dudes!

See!

i knew y'all in bloggerville knew all there was to know about me!

I know its early in the morning and I am posting.
but not cause I can't sleep this time.
I just got home not long ago from work.
Frig! What a late night
Wedding planners........Ugh! What a nightmarish trio. Get Back! and let me do my job and you do yours!!

So waht to do when you don't know how to cook chicken.........

tagged!!

Man a livin!

I got tagged by both the Lioness and Muck.
What The Hell!
You are supposed to be my friends. you know I don't like t be tagged!

So Carp! I guess I have to play.
Facts about me.......
Habits.......
Hmmm.
i think blogville knows everything there is to know about me!

Hey! I know. Ask me some questions that you want to know and I'll do my best to answer them!
I'll choose 8
cause them the rules!

Mail me. Or leave them in the comments

Awake

Again I am up in the night.
WEnt to bed at 9 cause I was so tired.
My eyes shot open at 11:33 and I am wide awake.

My mind is racing, racing, racing.
Trying to find solutions for my new set of problems at hand.
I can't sleep.

Sitters, Money, Job, medical stuff, DeBt, guilt.
Anxiety, insomnia, dizziness, loss of apetite, Armpit thing from stress! Frig I can't stand that one!
I'll be super pissed if my hair starts falling out. I want to be able to donate it again in January.

I have a beautiful Stoller and infant seat that only Charlotte used. Its practically brand new! Worth a few hundred dollars. For the right price I'll sell it. I hate to do that. It has always been my intention to give it away cause it was gift to me. However..........

Guilt & Fear

i keep trying to do this post.

I have erased it and revamped it over and over again.
I just feel wierd.

It was about soemthing I did this morning that I don't feel so great about. G & F has been following me around for the rest of the day.

is it possible I've lost my will to Blog?

Holy Carp!



Now I had a whole post on this but since I feel so ............ i've erased the rest.

Couldn't

There he was. good face. Hand postion good......

Stop! Stop! STOP!!

its not Like I didn't call him. WE were 'involved' just before Tall Dude and I got together. Familiar.

The tears.
The tears Rolled down my face.
tears NEVER ROLL down my face.

okay! Fuck! Lets do this!
okay he says.

Stop!

i Can't. I just can't.
We lay there. We talk. We talked. I turned my head. Tears..he can't see them. He knew. he reached over and brushed them away. We talked more.

DAmn it!
Damn it all to Hell!!
I'm done! Damn it i'm done!!!! Fuck him and all his horses!!
Let's Fuck!

Thoughts. I Love Tall Dude. I don't want to love him!!! Frig.....Larry popped into my head too. What is this?!?
Too hard. Its too hard.

I'm half naked. He's more naked. The light is green......
I couldn't. i just couldn't.
Guilt

guilt cause I wanted to. guilt cause i couldn't.

My heart said no.

Its not like i haven't done it before with this guy.
We were 'involved' before Tall dude and i were for frig sakes. so i know its good. I know its worth doing......I just couldn't.
I just couldn't.

My heart.
My heart said No!
and that surprised me
I want this!
I want to prove to myself.....
What the Hell is wrong with me!!!
Prove to him.
PROVE TO TALL DUDE!!!!

I can't do this!

The tears start. They roll down my face. DOWN MY FACE. Tears NEVER roll down my face.I sob. Sounds. Crying sounds. What The Hell!!!
Kristi....its okay. Its okay. It doesn't have to happen. I like your company.
i just don't want to be alone.
You don';t have to be. And you don't have to Fuck me to feel it.

Thanks Guy!

daMN IT!!

damn it all to hell!!!

Muck!!!!

hey,Try yelling that in a Crowd!!!

Muck!!!

Where the Hell are You?!????

do you know what its like to suddenly realize how alone you truly are?
to wake up and have nothing.....no purpose.
I dropped her off at school and then................nothing. I have nowhere to be. No one to see. No one that i can call. Nothing to do except clean the house Again.
Depressed. Depression. All around me.
This is awful. i want out!
I'm sure there's lots. but i can't see it casue the depression blanket is covering my eyes.
Fuck! i hate this!
the only reason to get up is to get daughter to school and then pick her up again.
I can't find her rabbit.
I am so sad.
She is soooo sad.
Sinking sinking sinking
I thought Steph and I were working thru things. i didn't expect it to be easy, but I didn't expect it to be over. I've tried and I don't know what else to do. I've given space. I've not given space. I'm lost.
I miss the Tall Dude so much it hurts to breath.
He dropped a movie off for me last night and left right away.
i feel so utterly hopeless.
i mean really hopeless.
I did so much of this to my self. And so much of it just is. and......
i can't find the rabbit. I'm supposed to be Charlottes hero. I can fix anything. But i can't fix this. her heart hurts so much and so does mine and now it hurts even more and I just want to go away.
there is nothing for me here anymore.
i've done so much damage that can't be mended. No job. No partner. No companion.
I'm trapped within my own emotions and i am having a hard time finding my way out.

What do i have?
The most beautiful daughter in the whole world!
Matching furniture. A fluffy white cat. Dishwasher. I like my bed. I just got a sheepskin rug from my Nana last week. Its pretty nice.
the roof over my head has stopped leaking. My garden is nice.
i hope i get that job. Than at least i will have a reason to have a shower and wear deodorant.

yah know what?
i don't think I am okay.

charlotte's bunny got out
we can't find her

Binda

That Binda is a bitch!!!

Remeber Binda and the harriest pussy you ever did see?
WEll it turns out she is causing a great deal of angst for some people i greatly care about. I am totally not impressed!
She barely knew of Larry's passing.
Than out of the blue she is at the door.
She really needs a punch in the eye!
Like those kids don't have enough to deal with.
Grief, sales, extra responsibilities.
FUCKING BITCH!!!

JOB

my big 3 hour interview is today.
I hope I do well. I am so nervous. I really want this job. I don't know how many positions they are filling and i don't know how many people are going for the same thing. I'm sure its not just me!
It could be 20 to 1 shot for all I know.
Frig I hope i don't throw up in the middle of it!
Frig I hope they choose me!
Not that a new job wouldn't come with new problems. New challenges.
However......I'm pretty sure I would know my hours for the weekend by now!
Oh
Wait
I woulnd't be working on the weekend.
What a novelty. A schedule. Weekends off. Being able to plan things. Like going to the Mighty Lioness's Sex party Next Week!!!

Anyhow......

Blog on dudes!

*New*Bike*

The Queen got a Snazzy New bike from her Auntie this weekend!!!

i can't keep her off it!

thanks Muck!
For that and the rest........you know.

Across The Line

So there we sat.
2 hours in the line to get across the Border!
2 Hours!!!
Got to see my Muck buddy so briefly.
I had timed it so that I might have soem time, yah know. But it didn't work out. And tomorrow it probably won't work out either.
i made it to the wedding site just in time.
Got it all together.
Got my staff doing their thing......
It was beautiful!
WE got rained on a bit. But it was still good.
Open host bar.
There were some ugly moments late in the evening in the parking lot.
I knew some people. That was wierd and uncomfortable.
The bride was gorgeous!
I'm gonna have to start taking my camera to these weddings.
She had a cupcake tiered deal instead of a wedding cake!
how great is that!!
Anyhow its late i must rest now.

Blog On!!

Bruise

so there was this ice chest I was lifting out of the van.

I lost it.

so I thought catching it with my leg was the answer.

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

oh so bad.
I kinda thought for a second it was broke. My leg that is.
Got a wedding tomorrow.

now we all know how I feel about those.

so the bruise. Oh the bruises. Yes big lumpy and blue. My pussy wanted to sit on my lap and i squeeked in pain.

oooh. and nice looking young boy i worked with today. Yum!
I'm single. so i am!!!

blog on kidz!

Frig I hate depression.
Fuckin Tall Dude!!!

I know I have to work today. But I just can't get it togehter. I miss the Tall dude like crazy.
How can it just be over?
I don't knwo how that happens.
We went from not being able to stay away from each other and kissing. Jsut kissing all the time to this!
He doens't even answer a plea when I am crying and just need a friend.
And why is it taht when i'm feeling like this only the company of a man will fix it? Why? or certain men. I just don't get it.
Why am I made like this.
i will never understand this part of me.
The part where a relationship with a significant other makes me or breaks me.
of course i think most women are like this.
Need the man for comfort. Of course i'm sure a bunch of you are now saying .....NOOOOO!!!!
but take a look at your life. Are you in a relationship? Or do you have some with men? If you are or do, than you can't say that you don't need it cause you haven't been without it.
Even it you still go to your girlfriends you still and already get that testosterone fill.
So I guess i just answered my own question!

I had an old friend come over last night. Haven't seen him in years, so that was nice. It was a good visit. We talked a lot about the events that just took place. What happened with me job. Larry. Wow. We talked a lot about Larry. or rahter I did. I sure miss him.
He's known me for nearly 20 years. the guy that was here. we are similar creatures. It was a good talk.

I sure miss Tall Dude.
i jsut don't understand how that happened. how do his feelings go from way up high to way down low. I just don't understand.

The girL

the girl that is moving in to my basement to babysit for me for room and board.......

yah she just up and got a job!
Okay. Fine. So she pays me rent, but now I'm back to not having a sitter for the weekends or evenings!

How the Hell do I work?

FUCK!!!!

THEY CALLED!!

The phone rang late in the afternoon.
It was them!
The job people that I had the informal deal with last week!!!
They want to see me for the Big Real 3 hour interview!

Holy Carp!
Next WEd is the day.
3 hours is the estimated time to be spoken to by 3 different people and evaluated.
i am nervous already!
It was the job i REALLY wanted when I left the restuarant originally just over a year ago.
Man I hope I can impress them.
I hope I can do the job.
By the time I left my last one I sure felt insecure, stupid and like a complete failure.

okay. Blog on Dudes!!

Little Voice

My sweet girl. At school. Its lunch time.
As you might re-call her best and only friend moved away during the summer.
I'm working. My cell rings. I look at the number....its the school.
I'm of course thinking~CRAP!!!!
there it is. Her little voice.
"mumby. Its lunch time and I don't have anyone to play with"

Did you hear that?
Yes. It was the sound of my heart breaking just a little bit more. I'm in my car running errands for my job I could just go to her. Its not like its far. She feels dumb. She's just walking around all alone.
so i think about it a minute......she needs to work thru this. Find her place.
I can't go to her. The kids will really make fun of her then.
so i say to her lets just talk about your morning and I'll stay on the phone with you till the bell rings. Maybe you'll feel better about it in a second or 2.

(Besides the part where I am on a timeline and on the clock. But I don't tell her that part. Frig i got all kinds of driving around to do!)

she agrees. That will be okay.
We talked till the monitors told her to hurry up.
I asked her if she would be okay.
She said yes.
"Thanks Mumby. I love You"
'oh sweetie. i love you too.'

Poor little thing!

The Queen on Her First day Of School

there she is!
Grade 3 ready!
Her new Raven backpack. Got rid of the one she's had since kindergarten. Princess's Bleck! She says.

I really think the socks make the outfit come together!

Charley has a thing about socks. And thats fine with me. Its how she shows her individuality!

Perfect!!!

She was soo excited!

No Love Here

So after the tearful voicemail I left for Tall Dude on Sunday he texted me that night.
I immediatly called my sister to ask her advice.
I talked with her for an hour until her battery died.
i hung up and got ready for bed. Cause it was way past my bedtime.
The phone rang.
it was him.
He felt bad. He didn't want to leave things the way they had been left. He was calling to say goodbye.
His feelings for me have stopped.
He knows he hurt me.
He knows he put me there.
He knows I reacted as i did because I was so hurt.
He never wanted to hurt me and feels horrible.
We can work thru things I say. I love you. We can work thru anything.
I jsut don't see how thats possible he says. I don't work thru things. I jsut don';t.
But is that what you truly want? Is it? Never to see me again?

I could barely hear anything he was saying. He is such a low talker. His phone cuts out so much. I cried and cried.

You can't jsut stop loving me. It doens't work like that.
Love is love. It just is.
than you never really loved me to begin with.
it wans't about sex.
We weren't about that. We were just honestly really into each other.

I went to Wal-Mart yesterday, in the middle of the afternoon, to get new first day of school shoes for Charlotte. The parking lot was full. Christmas time full. There must have been at the very least....3000 people there!
I walk in the front door.
Guess who's walking out......
Tall Dude

So I sit here today. Alone. After dropping Charley off for her first day.
The first day of school is always hard for me. I always cry.
Driving away with my dark sunglasses on.
My heart is jsut aching cause my little girl is in grade 3!
I want to phone Steph.
Of course i can't.
Than I think of calling Tall Dude.
Of course i can't.
I text my sister. She's been so good this last week.
i have yet to hear from her. She is working.
I stop at the corner and jsut cry. it hurts. It jsut all hurts.
Now i sit here in my pain.
The pain I am so familiar with that jsut seems to be part of who I am.
Truth is I don't want to be sober.
Yah. I know its a problem.
but my insides hurt too much and I just don't care anymore.
Sober or not I'm sitting here hurting and alone.
5 1/2 yrs ago I wanted it. I wanted the change bad.
Now......
I've lived that way and I've lived this way.
I just don't care anymore
Either way.....
All I feel is hurt and lonliness.
Some of it i put there. some of it........just is.
All of it I want gone!

My Name is Kristi......

and i'm an........

Now you see I had every intention of finishing that sentence and it just looked so cold so final. The words just staring at me.

I got up this morning sober.
Sober for the first time-well i'll just leave it at that.
James invited me to church.
Thank you.
i went. I cried. Charley played with Ozzie.

Before I picked her up from my moms I went thru my house and pulled out all the liquor bottles and put them in a box.
The box is now in the trunk of my car.
I called Tall Dude. He hung up on me.
I called back and left a very long very sorry very tearful message of goodbye. I don't expect to ever hear from him agian.
Only thats all I hope for. To hear from him again. Even though he is in a bad place right now and therfore bad for me. Oh how i fixed things. I fixed things but good!
I let my inner psyscho out and I couldn't get her back in fast enough before she did irrepairable damage.
Steph and I.......
Steph truly loves me and I truly love her I believe that love will carry us thru. Not right now, but in time.
time is the only thing.
So today in day 1
I am lonely.
i am scared.
My heart is in millions of peices.
I keep crying in these intermittant phases.
i hate living sober its so damn much like that!!!
but I love my relationships more. I have so very few.
Tall Dude broke my heart. So so badly. I left so much out.
Steph knows all of it.
and I took my broken heart and all the pain he gave to me and I forced it on Steph.
I was wrong.
I was wrong for doing that to her.
I was wrong for the things I did to Tall Dude after.
I was wrong I was drunk and my judgement was extinct.
I fucked up.
And now I will get better.
I know what the solutions are I will now apply them.
I miss my friend.
She is such a good friend and I Fucked up.

My sister has been so great. Damn funny too!
Doodle thank you for your honesty
Lioness your MSN/notes.
Miss K. your support.
Jen your words.
Liz your call.
Muck your experience.
James you're non-judgemental ways.
d. the encouragement
Tom your ear

Thank you.

Hi. My name is Kristi and I'm an alcoholic.

God

god is there
in funny ways he is there

its only 9:42 what is wrong with you!!

What The......

I broke my hammer trying to take out a nail!!!

how the FFFF does that happen?!?

that was the first tool I ever bought when is was 20!!!

Damn. this has jsut been a Bad week all around.

Altercation Miss K?

Didn't we have an altercation a few years ago.
WE were both sober for that.
but both extremly pissed!
An altercation that was blurry for me at the time.
An altercation that got clearer as the smoke settled.
An altercation i felt in my muscles for a couple days afterward.
An altercation we both had to come to terms with and move past.
An altercation that awful.
An altercation......

i am not defending what I did.
I am jsut saying that the focus is on the wrong thing.
but for my friend I will make the right choice cause I love her.

Bike

Charlotte rode a bike off my sisters cement outside stairs last night.
I believe anything is fixable when love is involved