planners

planners were a great idea when they first started years ago

Just becasue I don't sign it Charlotte has to do lines.  

I explained that I always see the planner, but if I don't sign its beacuse I don't have a pen or I am busy doing dishes or dinner or cleaning up or yelling at kid to do her homework or have her bath or go to bed or.........

he worte back and explained his reasons.  

so I went thru her planner and signed every page till the end of the school year

am I a petty bitch or what?

Actually, I kinda thought it was clever and thinking outside the box.  But I can definantly see how that is going to be a very defiant smart-ass move on my part

Blog On!

FUdgeK

I JUST GOT A SPEEDING TICKET!!!

No Secret

Its no secret that I am waiting for Mntn to get down on one knee and ask me that all important question.  "is this the ring?"  LOL!!!

now seriously.  I am not that picky.  It just has to look good on my hand and let other men and women know I am Taken, Back off!  anyhow, he, is taking pride in what he puts on my hand cuz its a reflection of the kind of man he is when he is not with me.  He's feeling the Judge.  Whatever, thats his thing.  So he is getting himself in a position to get himself into another position to purchase and shop for said ring.  Now the shopping part we have not discussed.  well I shouldn't say "not discussed"  we have done that.  Magazines and flyers.  We just havne't done it in person.   He feels pressured and then he gets agitated, angry as he would really like to be in a financial position to do such things right NOW.He would like that when we do the 'in person' and the 'try this one on' that if we fine "the One"  he would be in a postion to actually Get It.  You know what I mean?  Anyhow, he/we will get there.  in the meantime...........turns out my parents are no dummies.

my mom has brought up weddings with me.  I have told her we wo't be having one.

WHAT!  but you have to.

no i don't.  I don't have to.  I can't justify spending ridiculous amounts of money that i have to scrounge for on a party - wedding.  We are having a hard time doing the first part which is the ring for Ff's sake!  I would rather visit the JP and keep my money and keep paying my mortgage.  or be saving for another down payment on a house with a yard and stuff.

We will pay for it.

Huh?  Now that is super swell.  but if they are going to fork out a few grand for a wedding for me - mntn and i would be responsible for what we wear - I'd still rather they just give me the 5 or whatever grand and we will put it on the mortgage.

maybe they will do both!  :)

she has said this more than once over the last 3 months.  Your FAther and I have talked about it and we think its important that you and (mntn) have a wedding.  you are our last one.  this is a real celebration for YOU to get married.

this of course being true.  Coming up 40 and...........

so my htoughts have been bouncing towards a wedding.  A party?  a Ceremony?  Gifts?  no.  No gifts.  We have everything. 

 a gift money basket!  of gift cards to Home depot, Canadian tire or Wal-Mart!  Thats what we would do.  I have everything.  but some of my everything needs to be replaced and cash towrads the house is never a bad thing.  Get some mortgage looked after.  Is that selfish or rude to ask for at my wedding?

would I have people for a ceremony or just to come party?

do I serve dinner or just appy's?  There would have to be a midnight buffet!

it would definantly be at my parents.  I am NOt wearing a white dress!

It turns out, after i let my mind think about having a "wedding"  I have a lot of it planned in my head already.  I didnt realize it!  I better remember to remember Mntn will have some ideas too.

I will invite everyone!  As this will truly be a reason to celebrate!  Kristi finally got some poor sap to marry her.  Oh Yes!  Everyone must be there to Celebrate!

Carp.  I don't think mom and dad realized what they were getting in to.

Blog On

Tired Tuesday!

holy moly am i ever tired today!

allergies this AM and now.......i could curl up and gladly not get up till tomorrow.  Or at least i know I would enjoy a wee cat nap.

oh well.  Motherhood calls.  so nap for me.  Off I go to continue on with my second job on my short paid work day.  

She better go to bed on time tonight or i may need to smother her with a pillow.

Blog On!

Ghosts

Wow.  this is so much harder than I ever anticipated.  I miss him every moment I am here.  I keep hearing him calling me.  I'm sure now it must be my mind playing with me.  Although that first night I'm sure it wasn't.  but every time I hear him I go cold and the colour rushes from my face.  Mntn has been here, staying the night with me every night since.  I was up in the night looking for Ball.  Why?  I'm not sure.  Than I remembered..........I keep seeing him out the corner of my eye.  Life without him, its like losing a child.

my brother called yesterday to say how sad he was for me.  I cried and cried.  Some people understand.  Some people get it.  He wasn't "just a cat"  He was my best friend, my confidant, my kid.  We needed each other and loved each other.  He was by my side always.  It was only the two of us for a lot of years and there were times I couldn't have done it without him.  He knows all my secrets.

i can't beleive how many tears I have for him.  

He deserves my grief.  Charley misses him Mntn misses him.

Its weird to go into the bathroom and he is not in there sitting on the counter.  Sleeping without him laying over my left arm is hard too.  I didn't sleep with my teddy there last night, maybe thats why i suddenly got up to search for him in a half dozed state.  I'll have to keep sleeping with my bear to avoid that.

Will we get another cat?  yah.  eventually.  But out of respect for Ball it will be a while.  I need to grieve him.  Remember him.  Let him go, so that I can accept a new little personality into this house without piling all my sad/missing emotions on to a new member of the family.  Charley needs to have her grieving time too.  She's known him her whole life.  He would watch her very carefully when she was a baby.  And as she grew up he figured out that she pats him pretty good.  Mntn snuggling with him.  I would find the two of them laying on the bed together.  My men.  Ball loved it when he would stay in bed and I got up.  He'd gladly stay to be a lazy ass with mntn.  Ball had his routine and place with all of us.  We need to let that go so we can allow another to build their own routine around ours as they learn to live with us.  So time.  In time we will get a kitty.  

Charley wants to save a kitty from the SPCA.  So we will.  Mntn and I want a Siamese. So we will.  In what order I don't know.  When?  I'll know when we are ready.  It'll be when the tears don't flow so freely and the expected spots of Beedledom fade.  Its ok to have a hole.  The hole will fill on its own.  Than we will know.

For now........i have A LOT of memories to fill my mind.  So I will.  and I will enjoy them!

Blog On!

Mr. Ball

so many tears

swolen eyes all around.  The Queen.  Mountain.  Myself......

Thank You Steph - I Love You!

my Struggle today

Mr. Ball is dying.

the last thing he ate was some raw egg a couple days ago.  He can no longer drink.  He is a shell of a cat on my lap.  I'm sure he only has hours left.

Yes I want to take him in.  Its beyond time.  

I struggled weeks and months ago with his last moments being of a horrific car ride and then a person poking him with sharp things.  I couldn't bare the thoght of him knowing what was happening to him.  That i was doing this to him.  Its not like he was in pain or out of his mind.  He went from that to - the shell in a night.  Now I think keep his dignity, he is almost gone and he is just in continuous sleep.  Let him go in peace where he is happiest.  in his home.

but then as Steph said.  Does he have dignity?  I don't know anymore.  My judgement is screwy.

I woke many,many times in the night to check on him lying next to me.  During one of those times I thought he was gone.  He was so still.  he reminds me of how it was with my Nana.  Just sleeping.  Keep him cmfortable.

We cried for him on Saturday.  All 3 of us around him.  It was a day that he couldn;t be alone.  Every time he found himself in a room by himself he would cry out and come looking.  i guess I knew then.  That was the turning point day.  Now he is hours away from his last breath i am sure.

i struggle with where to take him even.  I spoke to Steph last night.  I should have written down that Doctors name.......the office.  i thought i would rmember it.

Now I think he's got hours why take him.  Why after all of this take him when all he is doing is sleeping.  Who's misery am I relieving?  he doesn't appear to have any.  Only i do.

He is far from the 20 lb beast of 10 years ago.  he is in his 18th year.  he was my best friend for many of those years when I was alone.  He still is my best friend.  He has been by my side since 1995.

I think back to my Nana again.  She was dying.  Sleeping.  We didn't kill her to relieve anything.  We waited and so did she.

This house will be lonely without my BeedleCat.  it will be quiet.  it will be clean -

I have Never not had a cat.

i feel guilty for wanting him to go and I feel guilty for not taking him.  I don;t know what to do.  With Sparkle it was time.  she was in Horrible pain.  Ralph died in pain cuz i didn't pay attention. When it was time for Molly I took her.  she was in pain, so i called the emergency vet and took her.  But this..........this is different again.  Mr. Ball has just slowly gotten older

At this point, is it cruel Not to take him or To take him?  I can't even tell anymore.

Whats the name of that Vet again Steph?

i am without words for stuff and not sure where to put other things

blog on

The Queens Theatre Spring Break DAy CAmp

the line reads -->  "I miss not having a brain"

I heard --> "I'm a snot having a brain"

WHAT?!!!

so how 'bout we work on inflection - clarity - pronounciation

I Heart Costco when I get to go!

hmmmmmm -

i really don't like that I drink as much as i do.

No there was not an incident.

just making an observation.  Guess I need to stop complety.  Something i know I can do, however, I don't want to.  and Herein lies the problem.

WE'll see how that goes.  

but stopping also means that for the first while I have to avoid things and situations where I feel comfortable to have a drink.  Thats sucks.  I have social dates coming up that I'd rather NOT miss.  

hmmmmmm.................

invitation only?

Every once in awhile I take this blog Off of invitation only.

just for fun.  Just to see how many people would read if I didn't have it private.  How many more unbiased opinions I can get from people.  

I took it off yesterday.  All's well.  no mom peeking.

but then I look and BAM!!!!  a downloader!  

some stranger downloading pics off my blog.  Thats freaks me out.  

Why is some stranger intersted in Charlottes Science project and downloading pics of it off my blog?!!  and the pic of Mntn and his nipples!

this is after they have gone thru and read as much as they can.  the reading is fine.  but the downloading.........creeps me right out.  Why are you interested in having pics of my stuff to keep on your computer?

Wouldn't it make you wonder too?

I like my Island

Damn

DAmn the Hole in my pants!!!

my work pants.  

Seam.

Ass.

Out!

Thanks the Good Lord for long shirts

I am so disapointed.

i tried to take a picture of my legs with full hair growth of a couple months but it did't turn out.  Damn It!

Did you know that at full length, the hair on my legs grows to  3/4 inch in length(from the knee down) and is all over?  if I were to dye it.  My legs are jsut as hairy as Mntns.  Under my pants it just creates much static and kept my warm during the snowy weeks.

Blog On!

bite your tongue!

its tough for me you know

i have just become so out-of-line bitter towards this child.  So much in fact i can't even justify it.  I can not look at her without cutting her down inside my head.  

So she's just been to a birthday party dressed like that.

Her hair a bedraggled mess.  Her see thru leggings with lace on the bottom.  Its been snowing, why are you in those littel shoes and No socks!

this morning - the black t-shirt that pronounces her to be a ROCK STAR with a guns and Roses type emblem on it.  hair brushed but already in disarray.  Your going snowboarding.  Its going to be a mess.  I have to just walk away.  I can't even be a part of the conversation.  She is argueing with Mntn about putting it up. The fact that this little girl doens't own one pair of water-proof mitts/gloves.  All she owns is the fluffy cutesy knit ones.  I get the knit cheap ones.  I understand that.  Between Charlotte and I we could outfit an army with the many pairs we have.  However, Charley also has one pair of water-proof ones for when she plays in the snow.  Becasue she is a kid!  Thats what kids need.  Thats what kids do!!!   I just don't get why her mother - They are not that expensive.  I paid 5bux for Charleys!  Than she got a really nice pair for Christmas cuz she put it on her Christmas List cuz  I, her mom, is smart like that!!!!

no I don't really want her here for dinner.  

but I spinned it nice.  I think she will be very tired and needs to get home.  After supper will be 7 and she has school tomorrow.

So I got to get away with a couple months of being Teaghan free.  Guess her mom needed the time to herself and gramma would't take the darling little princess.

They'll probably be home after lunch.  DAmn!  Guess i better enjoy the next couple hours to their fullest!  Till they come home and she is here again.

I am just a bitter, bitter bitch.  So much anger brewing, never been validated, never been resolved.  It has grown into its own entity.

I will just bite my tongue