Ghosts

Wow.  this is so much harder than I ever anticipated.  I miss him every moment I am here.  I keep hearing him calling me.  I'm sure now it must be my mind playing with me.  Although that first night I'm sure it wasn't.  but every time I hear him I go cold and the colour rushes from my face.  Mntn has been here, staying the night with me every night since.  I was up in the night looking for Ball.  Why?  I'm not sure.  Than I remembered..........I keep seeing him out the corner of my eye.  Life without him, its like losing a child.

my brother called yesterday to say how sad he was for me.  I cried and cried.  Some people understand.  Some people get it.  He wasn't "just a cat"  He was my best friend, my confidant, my kid.  We needed each other and loved each other.  He was by my side always.  It was only the two of us for a lot of years and there were times I couldn't have done it without him.  He knows all my secrets.

i can't beleive how many tears I have for him.  

He deserves my grief.  Charley misses him Mntn misses him.

Its weird to go into the bathroom and he is not in there sitting on the counter.  Sleeping without him laying over my left arm is hard too.  I didn't sleep with my teddy there last night, maybe thats why i suddenly got up to search for him in a half dozed state.  I'll have to keep sleeping with my bear to avoid that.

Will we get another cat?  yah.  eventually.  But out of respect for Ball it will be a while.  I need to grieve him.  Remember him.  Let him go, so that I can accept a new little personality into this house without piling all my sad/missing emotions on to a new member of the family.  Charley needs to have her grieving time too.  She's known him her whole life.  He would watch her very carefully when she was a baby.  And as she grew up he figured out that she pats him pretty good.  Mntn snuggling with him.  I would find the two of them laying on the bed together.  My men.  Ball loved it when he would stay in bed and I got up.  He'd gladly stay to be a lazy ass with mntn.  Ball had his routine and place with all of us.  We need to let that go so we can allow another to build their own routine around ours as they learn to live with us.  So time.  In time we will get a kitty.  

Charley wants to save a kitty from the SPCA.  So we will.  Mntn and I want a Siamese. So we will.  In what order I don't know.  When?  I'll know when we are ready.  It'll be when the tears don't flow so freely and the expected spots of Beedledom fade.  Its ok to have a hole.  The hole will fill on its own.  Than we will know.

For now........i have A LOT of memories to fill my mind.  So I will.  and I will enjoy them!

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