drempt.......

......about Charlotte's birth father last night.

he sought me out and took me to some arena or soemthing ........ to tell me that he and his wife were having another baby .......

I dislike dreams like that

Paint My Walls!

I dislike all the puddy hole filling I must do only to find more while I am sanding or painting.

I really dislike this great idea I had of painting every room in my house. I really do.

I am on to the hallway now ........UGH!

then after that - the livingroom! SUCK

not to mention how much this is all reminding me so clearly that I was rear-ended last year. My lower back my spine.........sleeping is uncomformtable. Does he HAVE to sleep right there!

Maybe a wall fixing painting fairy will come and it will all be done one day when I get home ......................

dreaming is nice isn't it

It's my First Day!!!!

ACK!

and I have some very nice Zits on my face to make it real. Now what to wear......... ACK!

A Plan

He Does have a plan. He Does! he Does!!!

YaY!!!! I am excited and feel so much better. Awwww my romantic moment building man. I Love him soooo much. Even though he makes me crazy

Text Messages

you know what I don't get?

I don't get how it is that these woman that were accompanying these men - Tiger and Jesse - how is it that after Aaaallllll these years, they still have text messages on their phones from them??

I mean some of these bitches are coming out with messages from 2008!

one chick today has hired a lawyer saying she has 195 text messages to be exact. She Saved Them Alll!!!!

Why do you save them, unless you had always been planning to use them all along? or you are a creepy stalker? Not to mention HOW??? how do they save them. my phone gets pissed off with me and tells me its full so i hit delete and get rid of them all ......

i don't get it

What The Hell!

Ohhhh sooooo Yellow ........

Opsy

Boy Cats & Girl Cats

why does my boy cat feel the need to hump my girl cat?

THEY ARE BOTH FIXED

do cats have and enjoy recreational sex?

dreaming

I was working at the Jubilee last night.

Waht is the Jubilee you ask? it is a restaurant bar is what it is. (at least in my dream it was) I was there cuz Mountain was using their gym (its a dream - i don't get it either) and then he was going to be working in the kitchen for the night. I went cuz i did't have a kid and had nothing else to do.

so I got dressed and went. it was quiet at first and I couldn't help but notice the girl next to me was out of beer. So I asked her what she preferred (Kokanee lite-another wierd I know) they were out so i got her a Labatts instead ......... Bizaare. The beer fridge needed to be stocked but I couldn't do it. Even in my dreams i seem to know my limitations now.........punched her drink in on the archaic POS and went back to sit down. My back was aching. I wanted to serve more, but it was best I not push myself cuz my back was getting pretty owied stiff spine and you know how it is with serving ......... if you start with one table they just multiply so easily. So I sat and watched everyone get poorly served or not served at all ........Woke this morning with a very stiff back and a headache. WhaTTaYakNow!

however i miss serving. I miss the busy, the restaurant, the happy I create by feeding people........

ONE MORE WEEK!!!!!

Off I go to get more done in my kitchen!

BTW - how do I blow a fuse for the ceiling light when nothing has electrically changed? it was out, so i changed the bulbs only to find that the fuse was the problem. What The Hell!

Blog On

Moving Forward

I start my 9 week course on March 29th. 10 Days away!!!

at the end of it I will have two diploma's. 1 for General Insurance Level 1 and the other for ICBC autoplan! I have NO idea what to expect. My plan is to focus all my energy on doing well in the course.

YaY! Moving Forward. Finally, after months of research, report writing and waiting.

Mountain either moves forward with me or he doesn't. I hope he chooses to move with me. i do love him so very much and I really want to spend the rest of my life with him. In my future I I have a big reserved spot for him. So I will keep my fingers crossed that he finally gets "it". That he doesn't make purposeful choices that hurt me.

Having to make a "point" to the extreme just so he can get "it" is really not the way I want to go. Its goofy, juvenile, and very girly. But what else do you do when talking about it doesn't make the changes and pain keeps being the outcome?

Action. You take action!

So at the end of May, I will be done. Pounding the pavement and my keyboard for a job.

YaY!!

Blog On!

I GOT MY FUNDING

I AM GOING TO SCHOOL!!!!

ACK!

paint

the conversation went soemthing like this..................

I'm having a hard time deciding what paint to use. I will start with the kitchen cuz I will do a semi-gloss in there, but the hall? Should I use a flat / velvet or a semi in there? The walls are so bad, a flat will show everything. What do you think?

I think you should use a Gloss everywhere ----- insert blank stare here -----

Of Course its Not actually a Headache!

its a Migraine - Nice

St. Patricks day

my head she is hurting me today!

had a migraine for a couple days last week too. Ugh! my whiplash is being a jerk too. What the Hell!

its been a year since Mr. Ball's departure. I have been thinking of him lots. I miss him.

I woke with kitty's all over me. Purring like crazy. One on my right, up by my face purring and licking. The other on my chest purring and being comfortable. Surrounded!

Ball always slept on my left side. Up under the blankets, cuddled into my chest. He purred me to sleep every night.

Miss you ball and Love you!

getting "IT" and getting "IT"

I'm jsut frustrated. It's ok. Although I am sure you might find yourself frustrated as well, if you were in my shoes.

I know he's got it. the ring. Or he has the means to have it right this second and has for awhile. So where is it. and Why isn't it important enough to Make sure I have it?

Why do i need it? For exactly this reason. How he executes this says a lot about how the rest of my life with him will go. Its not a big huge expensive thing. I'm not greedy.

So did he get it, has it. Is he the one changing his mind? Maybe how I behave about it and let him see me behave is giving the same eaning to him as for me getting it ..........follow?

He has Never done this either. It can be scary and intimidating.

This was his first weekend off since New Years - why was it not priority?

proposing?

I can make the excuses that I know he will make for himself. Not having a weekend would be a factor for him. Stupid? Yes. but a factor him non-the-less. So accepting that as I did and have, I htought ...........now he's got a WHOLE weekend. He'll do something. He'll make it happen in some kooky way............. nope. I Went out with the girls and he hung with Charlotte.

He encouraged it! Fine. I don't get to go out EVER. So he was doing a really nice thing. and I thought ............ maybe on my pillow when I get home ............???????

He is a good man. Just slow, simple. Doens't get "it" andy "IT's" that "it" might be........he doens't get.

He loves me totally, wholly and completely. He is loyal and we intend to spend the rest of our lives together. I am good with that. That also being my intention. He loves Charlotte and is there for her. He is a good provider and makes sure we have what we need. What I am not good with is the fire that seems to go out for him to get stuff done! The lack of fire? The part where I have to explain or wait or wonder if he is going to get "it". His complete lack of forethought. the Forethought lack isn't that awful if he would just let me take the lead. But he fights me for the control. Understandable, him being the man and all. Which I stand aside and attempt to let him have, only to end up standing stagnant. Never standing alone - he is always by my side. He is good that way. But jsut standing, not moving forward or back or.......its wierd that he doens't notice....................

He is not good in control. He thinks he should be cuz thats what the man does. Or is supposed to do or..........he is just not good at it.......thats ok. Its not everybody's thing. Not a Big deal. Just accept it already and let me do what I am good at!

This being why I thought guiding him with the ring thing was going to help get us to the place we have been talking about for 2 years. Guess the part where all he has to do is give it to me was to vast for him to carry out.

It was even financially achievable! a couple payments and it was his!!

Maybe its time for me to get a sitter for Charlotte and open the door for him to propose? Make a reso for dinner, write out the script and then guide him thru that too???

I am frustrated with the waiting. How many more things am I going to have to unnecessarily wait for? and If he has another idea or plan or .......... letting me know would be great. making me wait till Christmas was acceptable, holding it till New Years? fine. Cruising to Valentines day? a little far off and long since the choosing of said ring was in November ....... but.........

I guess I am a - you say you are doing something then you do it - type.

I even left the door open for him to NOT go get the ring. To Not even look at it with me. He was the one that pushed to go see it. To get the sales-woman's card. He was the one tlaking to people I wish he hadn't about how he is going to propose to me............

SO??? HALLLOOOOOO!?!!!

Now its March - WHAT THE HELL!

I can't wait to go to school, get work and then be in control of my life again. Being this dependent is not my bag baby.

Mountain Man

and so he is simple?

now what ....

Daddy

my daddy!

he is so Great!

called me just now to let me know that he will give me a loan to go to school if my funding doens't come thru! I love my Daddy!!

the only sucky part about that is that, if I go to school, I lose my EI if I do it that way. So best to have the funding come thru!! Then i go to school and keep my EI

Fingers Crossed!

Brad Pitt

Has the world forgotten how Brad and Angie got together?

That he was a married man.

That not more than a week before Jen and He announced to the world they were splitting, they were vacationing, together, with their good friends the Arquette's. Has everyone forgotten the weeks prior when Anniston and Pitt shared giggles and secrets in public. Has everyone forgotten?

Brad and Jennifer were the Golden couple .................

In Limbo & Terified

Its a little known fact taht I have some low self esteem in some areas. In most things I am insecure and I battle depression every day since I can remember. I used to have wicked anxiety, but its not so bad anymore. The Pinks did help to distinguish some of it.

There is nothing like being told or figuring out, that you are not good at things. Or qualified to do somehting. Or when you work really hard to get somewhere and don't. This has happened to me. I am sensitive. I am sensitive about it. I tried different things. Some things I failed at. Others i found that I could do, but lost myself and became miserable or angry. I am scared to not be happy or content as my mind plays tricks on me.

It can be very dangerous for me to be unhappy, depending on the tone of the unhappy. and that scares the Carp out of me.

I took a test at my non-course. It was just over an hour long. It was a bunch of different little tests. It was to measure aptitude. It was a straight measure. I had to do math on the fly, shape recognition, verbal ect. I did ok. I'll share the results in a moment. It was a straight up test to pop me into jobs that I would be able to do with the skills I possess. and Then the computer shuffles it all around and out of 995 suggested occupations 481 came up. Then we had to 'short-list' it with the personality tests we had taken. I am very social & support is important. The computer spit out 24 occupations --- Air transport Ramp attendant, ambulance attendant and paramedic, animal control officer, athlete, bus & streetcar driver, communication systems operator, companion (i read this as Hooker) door attendant, driver's licence Examiner, FOOD & BEVERAGE SERVER, Front desk Clerk (other than Hotel), Guest service attendant & Baggage Porter, Licenced Pratical Nurse, MAITRE D & HOST, nurse Aide and Orderly, receptionist, school bus driver, secretary (except legal and Medical), security guard, ship attendant, telephone solicitor and telemarketer, ticket taker & Usher, train service attendant, visiting Homemaker(i read this as Hooker that makes house calls) - -- that was my short list of 24 jobs.

my aptitudes were this

- General Learning ability *middle third

- Verbal aptitude * Top one-third

- numerical aptitude *bottom-third

- Spatial perception *Top one-third

- Form Perception *top 10%

- Clerical perception *top one-third

I use humour a lot to get me thru stuff. I like to find the funny. Its important for me to find the funny and the lite side of things. The part of stuff that is positive, as I can sink like a rock really fast when I don't.

That short list upset me. Especially when it went me right back in the direction I came from and can no longer do. So I read hooker in a couple of them just to perk up my spirits.

I have applied for so many jobs and been called for the ones that are sales commission based.

I am still looking for work and applying, but I am being sparing now because i am waiting to hear about my funding for school. There is also Not a whole lot out there. This is a small town in which we live and I know so many people in it. Getting hired and then having to quit will not be good. Going on interviews for jobs I have no interest in is bad too. and being sent the nice form letters, that in not so many words tell me I am a loser really isn't good for me.

ive been wearing my big girl panties a lot lately and they've been holding up pretty good as i step waaay out of my comfort zone, but I am scared they are going to burst!

my Sister got on me yesterday about getting a job. I told her I was looking, but not going hard as I am waiting to hear about my funding. I tried to explain to her that once I know if I have funding or not then it makes a difference on how I am applying. I mean, if I don't get funding, I apply for anything and everything. Right now I am being kinda picky, not that I have much choice, but in my head I do. She got irritated with me. I can understand that. But I couldn't help but think, can't you hear me?

I didn't want to tell her how devestating it is to look at all these jobs and see diploma required. For a receptionist? WHAT! or for a lot of the office jobs, they want you to have gone to school for business courses or EXPERIENCE or something. They have initials in the job descriptions and requirements that don't mean anything to me. I had been applying to them anyhow since November; At the end of January i got called for an interview. Now this was the part that sucked. I got called because the person recognized that I worked at Madison's and knew who I was. (that part was good) they were excited cuz i was really good at my job there and they thought there would be no reason i wouldn't be good at my job in their office. I am bubbly and cheerful! Guess what - i have no experience. The amount of training I was going to need was not an option.

i felt as though i made an ass of myself in front of one of my peers. I am sure this person went back and told their co-workers.

not in a snickery way, but just told them i was in and too bad i have no experience. Word travels. I know it does and people talk.

After that I thought. You know, had I already been to school and at least had soemthing more on my resume other than foodsafe, ECE & SIR ....... they may have invested the time in training. If i had listed my 2 Diploma's I hope to achieve in the next few months, i may have not been such a risk. Even if it isn't in insurance. Now, That office won't look at me again.

Tons of Common-sense, but what is that good for? Life-skills up the yingYang - once again ............ oh yah! I used all that and honed it when I was serving ......... right ........ you don't see common-sense or life skills on any list of job requirements.

Try to explain that to my Sister.

She says, just tell them you are waiting for school. They'll understand. Isn't it good that they know you? Not Always -

I am not looking for the throw away retail or restaurant, coffee shop job. I am unable to do them now. This really is a small town and people talk. I can't afford to offend a potential boss by taking a job and then 3 wks later quitting! Especially if I DON'T get a job in an Autoplan office and need to make nice with those people in May/June to be employed.

"Hi. My name is Kristi. I am Not qualified and I am here to waste your time"

Its bad enough I fucked over my opportunity at Sears. In the back of my mind I keep thinking of that. My resume has a big black mark on it. They won't look at me again. Not that it was THE place to work, but it was and is a good company. And would have been a for now job, or a forever company - and i wrecked it by accepting an interview way back in November. She wanted to hire me and i had to say no. There was too much lifting and stairs ....... i was honest. I never should have been honest. She wrote BACK INJURY on my resume.

Not to mention the shots my self-esteem is receiving from the interviews and the resume's I've put out there that haven't gotten any response ........I didn't want to tell her that either.

is it better to let her think I am just sitting here day after day doing nothing? kinda, not really, no.

Is it better to tell her I have sent out 2 dozen resumes over the last months or so and heard nothing. Is it better to tell her, yes i have been on interviews, but those jobs weren't right for me. Or I couldn't do them? NO. Is it better to tell her that i am looking and there is nothing I am qualified to do. Is it better to tell her how frightened and scared i am that I won't get hired. That I won't find a job. Taht nobody wants me? NO. That is definitely not a good thing to tell her. Never show weakness to my Sister or my Mother. They dive into the wound with a bag of salt!

Is it better to tell anyone that I am scared to go to school and fail. That my learning abilities are what i knew and know they are. I don't learn easy. I had to pour EVERYTHING I had into college before. To graduate high-school ......same thing. Its a real truthful struggle for me. What If I get this funding, get to school, and Fail?! I mean its just not an option, but what if I do even though I am giving it my all!!!

or what if afterwards i go with my diplomas, clenched tightly in my fist and nobody will hire me?! I am so terified.......

So here I sit.

going over Job banks. Searching for a job I am able to do. Something I can just work at hoping today is the day i hear from the ministry about my funding. So I can stop sending out a resume here or a resume there. Hoping that the light I see way off in the distance isn't going to burn out. Keeping my head up and checking my big girl panties for pulled seams that are coming apart ...........telling myself ........ everything happens for a reason. WAtch for the humor. Enjoy your time off with Charlotte. Always a Silver lining. My job will come, but it won't if I don't try ...........

I am vulnerable

Sleeping & Dreaming

What a busy night i had last night.

my Dreams were so real I know i barely slept. Especially when I was in my dream trying to find a place to sleep. So tired. These 5 o'clock mornings are really starting to bite this week. I think the combo of how early and the allergies is just kicking my ass. I go to bed by 9:30 every night.

but my dreams last night.......been up for a bit to see the man off so thye have faded .....but......it was my wedding day.

i didn't know. My parents decided to surprise me? not sure. That part is unclear. My dress hadn't been fitted. That much I know. Shari got to my parents at 10AM. I was still sleeping or just getting up. Thats when they told me i was getting married that day. When? What time? I was tired and my hair would have to be done ........ make-up. My make-up wasn't there! Shari pinned my dress for me. The yard wasn't how I hoped it would be. When were people getting there? I din't want my wedding to happen till 4! Everyone will see me looking like.........THIS! These safety pins look horrible. I needed my dress to be fitted. ( i never did get a look at the dress. All I know is that it was white and lots of lace. Didn't seem like anything I would wear! but it was the one there. Turns out I never picked it!! who Did?) I don;t have a maid-of-honor or shoes! I have to go to Bellingham.

Now this is strange cause I NEVER go to Bellingham. A barely cross the border. But for some reason it was important for me to get to Bellingham to get shoes.

it suddenly struck me half way there that I could get a new dress too & makeup. Was there time? What was I thinking. There is no time to Drive to Bellingham!!! So back I came. It was going to take an hour at least to curl my hair. And then what was i going to do with it? I'm so sleepy. Isn't there time to have a nap? I cna't remember that hairdo I saw that I liked ........... people are arriving! Where's Charlotte? I need her. Where is she? Oh thank-goodness Charlotte looks good. I hold her and wrap y arms around her. She has a very important role.

Why isn't Steph here? Oh She's with Shari trying to make my bouquet? here use this glue gun. Lyle just found it in the shed. - Ummm ok. My Sister is late!! WE can't start! did anyone even tell her?! What do you mean Tom is in the river?

Why is my mom being so snarky!! Stop looking at me like that!!!

the dishwasher was full of dishes that were full of food! What The Hell!

I didn't lose the wieght I wanted to lose before this day could happen. ACK! my make-up isn't done! Where's my gold eyeshadow? Damn it - i don't have mascara. my hair is just hanging there! not enough time to curl it all. I gotta put it up! i have safety pins in my dress! This is horrible!!! but at least I am holding my little girl.

I woke up. Not very rested at all and realizing I gotta find that hairdo I liked that I saw in a mag a few weeks ago.

It'll be so nice when 5 o'clock mornings are over and 6 days a week work is done.

Off I go to march for 20 and burn that fat! Gotta be ready for my surprise wedding. Apparently it can happen any time!

The Restaurant

dreamin' about working.

I miss working in the restuarant. I can't believe the choice has been taken from me. If i won millions, I'd so buy myself a restaurant.

Single Mother

I have such a hard time with women that pull out the single mother card.

Yes you are single and you are a mother, but you are not single parenting.

24/7 is very different from 24/3.5 or 24/4.5 one week and 24/5 the next.

or even unmarried and shacked up. When I applied for my funding i was being asked if I was a single mother.

I used to be. I'm not now. How do I answer that?

I said, i am not married.

I've had help with Charlotte for 2 years now. and Now I have 24/7 help with Charlotte.

Help being someone here. Someone to bounce stuff off of. Someone to once in awhile say, don't argue with you mom! Even if its very little - its a HUGE difference.

If you've never done it on your own, there's No way you'll understand that.

Being a parent is hard. Being a single 24/7 parent is hard. Really, really hard. Keep in mind - in my situation - i did choose it. I mean, its not like the man suddenly up and died or left me or.......well he did leave me, but I had thought of that so I was already prepared. I signed up to be the single parent. Most don't. I honestly feel bad for the woman taht signed on to be a mom with a partner only to have the partner leave .......... YiKES! That would be even Harder I think. You didn't sign on for that! your whole life changes. Possibly even your job! Then you might have to share or want to share and they don't and jsut the sudden; being on your own with kid! Not EVER having that been the plan. At least I was mentally prepared.

It has lots of bonuses though. one of them being - I NEVER have to share her. Never. I can plan anything for anytime because I know she will be here. Or I don't get to plan stuff because i know she will be here.

In the olden days, had I not had her every weekend I would have had a much better social life. HECK I would have had a social life! I would have probably worked thru them guilt free. Taht would have been nice. Guilt free. Working, late even - guilt free. What a concept.

I chose it. I lived it and I am Soooooo glad to be done that part of my life.

Its soo nice to have help. I am glad for my Lyle. I am grateful for him and I love him

HONEY DO LIST

Blinds for living room and 1 in the kitchen

finish Painting bedroom

Paint Hall

Paint Living room

Paint shed(s)

Stain Playhouse

fix Dishwasher situation

Paint front Porch

re-do pond Garden - New Trellis for there

Spray paint Lyle’s dressers

Spray Paint picket fence

re-do garden where Yellow Rhodo and azalea are

cut back shrubs by Lyle’s car - pull the one right out

Fence

re-dirt all gardens

Paint ceilings

New Doors - bathroom - kitchen - Charlotte

cobble stone path behind pond garden

NEW PATIO CHAIRS

this is the list so far of what I hope to accomplish in the next few months. Do you think I can do it!

I AM SO SELFISH I KNOW

Sometimes Pain is Bigger Than Love