Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Saturday, May 06, 2017
Some Saturday Thoughts
You would think that not beveraging for nearly 4 weeks, I'd lose some weight.
This leads me to think that I either didn't drink as much as I thought I did, or the carefully selected beverages i chose really weren't full of as much sugar as I thought.
I do have to say though, I really appreciate the non-puffy state I am in. The scale reads the same, but I do notice when I look in the mirror and put on my clothes I am not as soft, puffy, swollen ......
UPDATE to the other day when Husband didn't wake up and go to work. I left to run errands, he indeed did get his Ass out of bed. He took the garbage out and then he went to his day job! He was a couple hours late and then did overtime to make up for it - but he went! YaY!!!
Today we shop Washers. *sigh* Money we really don't have. But what makes this even more difficult is that the space we have to put another stackable in is only 26 inches deep! I don't know what they were thinking when the put this house together after gutting it 11 years ago. The modern day units are so big and bulky and deep. 29 to 33 inches deep!!! One like that will jut out in to the doorway! FRIG! 1st world problems I know - but Fak! We looked a bit last night. I am currently waiting for him to wake up so we can continue the hunt this morning to some places that were closed last night. We can get maybe another 2 inches if we cut into the drywall to set a washer back a bit. We did find some units that were skinnier, but who the hell wants to pay 1500 for a washer!!!
Today we vote - I have been doing my best to look things up on the internet and educate myself, but it has proven a difficult task. So much filtering thru how to vote and where to go. I wanna read platforms and how these party's intend to make things happen or what their plans are for our province. Not having cable is nice, but it is also frustrating. We haven't had cable in a year and I am really starting to feel very cut off from the world. The liberals, the NDP, the Green Party ....... I think I know what I am going to do.
This leads me to think that I either didn't drink as much as I thought I did, or the carefully selected beverages i chose really weren't full of as much sugar as I thought.
I do have to say though, I really appreciate the non-puffy state I am in. The scale reads the same, but I do notice when I look in the mirror and put on my clothes I am not as soft, puffy, swollen ......
UPDATE to the other day when Husband didn't wake up and go to work. I left to run errands, he indeed did get his Ass out of bed. He took the garbage out and then he went to his day job! He was a couple hours late and then did overtime to make up for it - but he went! YaY!!!
Today we shop Washers. *sigh* Money we really don't have. But what makes this even more difficult is that the space we have to put another stackable in is only 26 inches deep! I don't know what they were thinking when the put this house together after gutting it 11 years ago. The modern day units are so big and bulky and deep. 29 to 33 inches deep!!! One like that will jut out in to the doorway! FRIG! 1st world problems I know - but Fak! We looked a bit last night. I am currently waiting for him to wake up so we can continue the hunt this morning to some places that were closed last night. We can get maybe another 2 inches if we cut into the drywall to set a washer back a bit. We did find some units that were skinnier, but who the hell wants to pay 1500 for a washer!!!
Today we vote - I have been doing my best to look things up on the internet and educate myself, but it has proven a difficult task. So much filtering thru how to vote and where to go. I wanna read platforms and how these party's intend to make things happen or what their plans are for our province. Not having cable is nice, but it is also frustrating. We haven't had cable in a year and I am really starting to feel very cut off from the world. The liberals, the NDP, the Green Party ....... I think I know what I am going to do.
Wednesday, May 03, 2017
We Must be Millionaire's
Wow. Just wow.
He must have a secret bank account that I know nothing about.
I go to work. I go to work every time I am scheduled to work. Sometimes I go to work, to do a deal, so that I get the commission on my days off. I go to work no matter how shitty I feel. No matter how little sleep I got. I went to work with a broken foot, in a boot, when it hurt to get behind the wheel of a car and drive. Or no matter how difficult it was to do the home deliveries I am required to do. Climbing flights of stairs to get signatures. When I broke my wrist last May. A year ago tomorrow, I went to work. The pain trying to type, trying to sign my name, trying to work the shifter in the car, holding the steering wheel, I went to work. When I am so hungover because I just had to finish that bottle the night before, i go to work.
I don't get it. I just don't.
It's garbage day today. I have reminded him the last 3 days. I have straight out told him, the rot pot is so full, because it never went out last garbage day, that he needs to take it to the curb. Don't forget garbage day, I said. Everything needs to be at the curb. He is in bed. It's after 8. He is in bed.
Our front loader has bit it. It is not spinning. It's going to be expensive should we need a new one. He told his boss he could't come in because he needs to fix it today. Today. It's the bottom of the stackable's. How is he going to get to it with no help? Why can't he do it on his days off like normal people.
Yes, i did say that to him. To which he responded, what days off?
my response was that his 2nd job is NOT priority. He does not have to go in on the weekends.
He says, my day job is going to kill me.
Really! REally. Becasue my job isn't killing me?!!!
He knows I have been wanting to change jobs for over a year. To get off the road. To stop working 12 hour days. To try to adjust something so that I can get more hours home. I am back to studying again to get my level 3 just so that I can maneuver myself to do just that! Yet, his job is killing him so he is just not going to go. I can't afford not to go. I can't even afford the plan I had to drop 2 days a month to keep my mental health. But he can manage not to go to his day job.
I am Pissed!!! Yes I told him that too. It's my day off and I took a partial shift for late this afternoon to get more hours. I am supposed to be laying in bed. When I am up, I am supposed to be enjoying the hours in the day I have before I go to work. Now I sit here, venting. Now I stretch becasue my back is tightening up from the stress and anger. Yes, this is something I have learned about myself over the last 10 years. I carry the stress in my back.
So his job is killing him so he doesn't go.
Well, this marriage is killing me ....... so should I leave?
Monday, May 01, 2017
Will My Marriage Survive My Sobriety?
Well, here I am day 19.
It's the morning, I had the chance to sleep in a little as I don't work until 10.
I have been getting wokin up since 6AM - husbands alarm.
my final wake up was to the phone ringing. it was just about 7:15 and it was husband's phone. Which was in his hand as he lay next to me. Why is he laying next to me at 7:15? He starts work at 7 ................ FUCK! He isn't going to work Again!!!??!!! I hear him tell the voice on the other end of the phone he won't be making it in today .....
Why? Why do you have to be such a loser? You didn't make it in one day last week either - why? I don't get it. Last week you didn't get enough sleep - today........ just admit that you slept in, get your pants on, and get your Ass to work!!!! Fuck! I am glad you are making soooo much money that you can afford a day off!
Back to being sober
Being sober is great. I feel good. I am struggling, but I am good. I have some fears about staying sober. Being OCD is one of them. Everything has a home. Everything has it's place. If it doesn't, I do my best to create order within the chaos. Beveraging helps keep the OCD anxiety at a low. If you are OCD you probably know what I mean. There is a certain level of anxiety that comes when you walk in to a space and things are not as they are supposed to be. You freak out. Mostly inside your own head till you get the things back as they are supposed to be. When things are continually our of place, eg. i have a front hall. I have a shoe rack there. It's a crappy shoe rack, but a shoe rack all the same. Yet every day, when I come home, my husbands and my daughters shoe's are in various different places in the front hall. Daughter has gotten much better as of late, and she is keeping hers in her room ......... but the man .... He also likes to use the dining room chairs upstairs, as his own personal coat rack. I just looked over and can see 3 different ones hanging off a chair - Why?
Beveraging helps keep me to not lose my shit at this loser behaviour. Yes. I label it loser behaviour because I am to that point. I guess it's more of childish behaviour. Children don't put things away. So I will apologize for the incorrect label.
For the last many years now - i have struggled with beveraging. Every time I have been sober, husband , Mountainman, makes me insane. I know and realize some of it is me. My OCD, that is truly my problem. But, when I put systems in place to keep things in order. A shitty shoe rack. An ugly front hall closet, with plenty of hangers in it and he is not using it ........... my anxiety rises. Toss in him not going to work ........ my anxiety rises even more.........
I have, in the past, poured myself a glass of wine during these times in order to not tear a strip off him. As I have learned, yelling at him, or trying to talk with him....the result is the same. He still doesn't do anything about it. I have analyzed things until I am raw. Am I unreasonable? Is this normal? Maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing? It's him.
Right now, today, I choose sobriety.
I am sober for me. I am sober for my daughter.
Today, I will go work my 12 hour shift and not come home with a bottle of wine.
Today, I will not bury my anger towards him in a glass to numb the feelings.
Today, I will continue to move forward and get the woman back I used to be.
It's the morning, I had the chance to sleep in a little as I don't work until 10.
I have been getting wokin up since 6AM - husbands alarm.
my final wake up was to the phone ringing. it was just about 7:15 and it was husband's phone. Which was in his hand as he lay next to me. Why is he laying next to me at 7:15? He starts work at 7 ................ FUCK! He isn't going to work Again!!!??!!! I hear him tell the voice on the other end of the phone he won't be making it in today .....
Why? Why do you have to be such a loser? You didn't make it in one day last week either - why? I don't get it. Last week you didn't get enough sleep - today........ just admit that you slept in, get your pants on, and get your Ass to work!!!! Fuck! I am glad you are making soooo much money that you can afford a day off!
Back to being sober
Being sober is great. I feel good. I am struggling, but I am good. I have some fears about staying sober. Being OCD is one of them. Everything has a home. Everything has it's place. If it doesn't, I do my best to create order within the chaos. Beveraging helps keep the OCD anxiety at a low. If you are OCD you probably know what I mean. There is a certain level of anxiety that comes when you walk in to a space and things are not as they are supposed to be. You freak out. Mostly inside your own head till you get the things back as they are supposed to be. When things are continually our of place, eg. i have a front hall. I have a shoe rack there. It's a crappy shoe rack, but a shoe rack all the same. Yet every day, when I come home, my husbands and my daughters shoe's are in various different places in the front hall. Daughter has gotten much better as of late, and she is keeping hers in her room ......... but the man .... He also likes to use the dining room chairs upstairs, as his own personal coat rack. I just looked over and can see 3 different ones hanging off a chair - Why?
Beveraging helps keep me to not lose my shit at this loser behaviour. Yes. I label it loser behaviour because I am to that point. I guess it's more of childish behaviour. Children don't put things away. So I will apologize for the incorrect label.
For the last many years now - i have struggled with beveraging. Every time I have been sober, husband , Mountainman, makes me insane. I know and realize some of it is me. My OCD, that is truly my problem. But, when I put systems in place to keep things in order. A shitty shoe rack. An ugly front hall closet, with plenty of hangers in it and he is not using it ........... my anxiety rises. Toss in him not going to work ........ my anxiety rises even more.........
I have, in the past, poured myself a glass of wine during these times in order to not tear a strip off him. As I have learned, yelling at him, or trying to talk with him....the result is the same. He still doesn't do anything about it. I have analyzed things until I am raw. Am I unreasonable? Is this normal? Maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing? It's him.
Right now, today, I choose sobriety.
I am sober for me. I am sober for my daughter.
Today, I will go work my 12 hour shift and not come home with a bottle of wine.
Today, I will not bury my anger towards him in a glass to numb the feelings.
Today, I will continue to move forward and get the woman back I used to be.