Well, here I am day 19.
It's the morning, I had the chance to sleep in a little as I don't work until 10.
I have been getting wokin up since 6AM - husbands alarm.
my final wake up was to the phone ringing. it was just about 7:15 and it was husband's phone. Which was in his hand as he lay next to me. Why is he laying next to me at 7:15? He starts work at 7 ................ FUCK! He isn't going to work Again!!!??!!! I hear him tell the voice on the other end of the phone he won't be making it in today .....
Why? Why do you have to be such a loser? You didn't make it in one day last week either - why? I don't get it. Last week you didn't get enough sleep - today........ just admit that you slept in, get your pants on, and get your Ass to work!!!! Fuck! I am glad you are making soooo much money that you can afford a day off!
Back to being sober
Being sober is great. I feel good. I am struggling, but I am good. I have some fears about staying sober. Being OCD is one of them. Everything has a home. Everything has it's place. If it doesn't, I do my best to create order within the chaos. Beveraging helps keep the OCD anxiety at a low. If you are OCD you probably know what I mean. There is a certain level of anxiety that comes when you walk in to a space and things are not as they are supposed to be. You freak out. Mostly inside your own head till you get the things back as they are supposed to be. When things are continually our of place, eg. i have a front hall. I have a shoe rack there. It's a crappy shoe rack, but a shoe rack all the same. Yet every day, when I come home, my husbands and my daughters shoe's are in various different places in the front hall. Daughter has gotten much better as of late, and she is keeping hers in her room ......... but the man .... He also likes to use the dining room chairs upstairs, as his own personal coat rack. I just looked over and can see 3 different ones hanging off a chair - Why?
Beveraging helps keep me to not lose my shit at this loser behaviour. Yes. I label it loser behaviour because I am to that point. I guess it's more of childish behaviour. Children don't put things away. So I will apologize for the incorrect label.
For the last many years now - i have struggled with beveraging. Every time I have been sober, husband , Mountainman, makes me insane. I know and realize some of it is me. My OCD, that is truly my problem. But, when I put systems in place to keep things in order. A shitty shoe rack. An ugly front hall closet, with plenty of hangers in it and he is not using it ........... my anxiety rises. Toss in him not going to work ........ my anxiety rises even more.........
I have, in the past, poured myself a glass of wine during these times in order to not tear a strip off him. As I have learned, yelling at him, or trying to talk with him....the result is the same. He still doesn't do anything about it. I have analyzed things until I am raw. Am I unreasonable? Is this normal? Maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing? It's him.
Right now, today, I choose sobriety.
I am sober for me. I am sober for my daughter.
Today, I will go work my 12 hour shift and not come home with a bottle of wine.
Today, I will not bury my anger towards him in a glass to numb the feelings.
Today, I will continue to move forward and get the woman back I used to be.
It's the morning, I had the chance to sleep in a little as I don't work until 10.
I have been getting wokin up since 6AM - husbands alarm.
my final wake up was to the phone ringing. it was just about 7:15 and it was husband's phone. Which was in his hand as he lay next to me. Why is he laying next to me at 7:15? He starts work at 7 ................ FUCK! He isn't going to work Again!!!??!!! I hear him tell the voice on the other end of the phone he won't be making it in today .....
Why? Why do you have to be such a loser? You didn't make it in one day last week either - why? I don't get it. Last week you didn't get enough sleep - today........ just admit that you slept in, get your pants on, and get your Ass to work!!!! Fuck! I am glad you are making soooo much money that you can afford a day off!
Back to being sober
Being sober is great. I feel good. I am struggling, but I am good. I have some fears about staying sober. Being OCD is one of them. Everything has a home. Everything has it's place. If it doesn't, I do my best to create order within the chaos. Beveraging helps keep the OCD anxiety at a low. If you are OCD you probably know what I mean. There is a certain level of anxiety that comes when you walk in to a space and things are not as they are supposed to be. You freak out. Mostly inside your own head till you get the things back as they are supposed to be. When things are continually our of place, eg. i have a front hall. I have a shoe rack there. It's a crappy shoe rack, but a shoe rack all the same. Yet every day, when I come home, my husbands and my daughters shoe's are in various different places in the front hall. Daughter has gotten much better as of late, and she is keeping hers in her room ......... but the man .... He also likes to use the dining room chairs upstairs, as his own personal coat rack. I just looked over and can see 3 different ones hanging off a chair - Why?
Beveraging helps keep me to not lose my shit at this loser behaviour. Yes. I label it loser behaviour because I am to that point. I guess it's more of childish behaviour. Children don't put things away. So I will apologize for the incorrect label.
For the last many years now - i have struggled with beveraging. Every time I have been sober, husband , Mountainman, makes me insane. I know and realize some of it is me. My OCD, that is truly my problem. But, when I put systems in place to keep things in order. A shitty shoe rack. An ugly front hall closet, with plenty of hangers in it and he is not using it ........... my anxiety rises. Toss in him not going to work ........ my anxiety rises even more.........
I have, in the past, poured myself a glass of wine during these times in order to not tear a strip off him. As I have learned, yelling at him, or trying to talk with him....the result is the same. He still doesn't do anything about it. I have analyzed things until I am raw. Am I unreasonable? Is this normal? Maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing? It's him.
Right now, today, I choose sobriety.
I am sober for me. I am sober for my daughter.
Today, I will go work my 12 hour shift and not come home with a bottle of wine.
Today, I will not bury my anger towards him in a glass to numb the feelings.
Today, I will continue to move forward and get the woman back I used to be.
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