When?

When did I stop being happy.

I've had times when I've noticed I am not happy, but now I realize ....... i am not happy most of the time. When did that happen?

I've been so busy being broken and then struggling to get funding to go to school. Then busy in school. then busy with a new job. then busy planning a wedding ............... and the whole time ........... i wasn't happy. My core being isn't happy.

What the Hell happened and when?

CT Scan

Well I went

Took husband and daughter. Made it a fun family event! Bad solemn memories are just not really nice to reflect on. So we went. We laughed about the hospital cieling fan - damn I wish I'd brought my camera. I'm sure it must have been some kind of medical device to keep track of .......... soemthing? but it was positioned like a fan. Blades, skinny like dowling with red tips. I found it most amusing.

I prepared and took all my jewelry off and placed it in the baggy I brought. Then she came and gave me my gown. I only had to undress my top! kept my jeans on and my shoes! Charlotte remarked about how cool I looked. She is a good daughter.

then it was time to go in.

It wasn't a tube at all. More like a giant, white cheerio.

as I laid down I couldn't help but see the odd resemblance to the Stargate. Am I going to end up in a parallel universe?

Stupid sign that says "don't look directly at the laser"

Laser? I didn't know there was one! I wonder where it is ..................

Stupid sign

The nice young girl put my IV in as I laid there getting instruction from the young man about how to breath and what all the light up pictures mean.

Okay! practice run! the thing I am lying on starts to slide my body into the Cheerio. In the center of the Cheerio is a dark ring with what must be the Laser! of course I stared at it. I was trying to figure out if it was the laser. The ring started whirring and circling my body. I had to breath in and hold it while the Cheerio turned stargate. I closed my eyes and exhaled, part of me thinking when i open my eyes maybe I really will be somewhere else? It could happen right?

They come back in and have me raise my right arm up as she puts the dye in my veins. A strange warmth races thru my body. Did I just pee myself? Oh frap - its in my throat. Warmth, swelling? this is mildy unpleasant. I think I might like to throw up. Yikes, my eyeballs feel weird. Yow - into the Cheerio I go again. Breath in, hold it. My crotch is so hot - what the hell is this stuff they shot into me? Is this how a heroin addict feels? I could see why they would go back to it. Its pretty wild - not for me - but wild all the same. Seriously, did I pee myself?

I check out my feet. Yup, there they are. The Stargate is whirring around me. I wonder if I am supposed to be staying still. Maybe I should stop tapping my feet the the song I've decided to listen to in my head.

That's it! We're done! In they come to unhook me. Yikes! the young girl has been replaced with an older version. I think I did go to another universe -

I can get up and leave. The young guy asking if I could hear him talking to me and if it was clear or not.

I thank them - It's been a pleasure!

Driving home, i think I'm a bit high. Is that from the dye or the anxiety. This is very strange. I quite honestly don't think i should be driving. Mntn doesn't offer to take over. I pick up a bottle of wine - i dont like this feeling I have. I need to feel something I can understand better.

Sad that my pee didn't glow. I had hoped it would. and boy did I ned to pee!

So I will find out in a week what the Cheerio revealed inside my body.

I am sure it's just infection that won't go away. I wonder what they will do for it? Feeling like poo is not my favorite thing. The on and off again exhaustion is just irritating. Good days are really good. Bad days .......... i find medicating myself through those days works wonders.

my poor little eggs are so radiated now...............and i burst in to tears ..............

Things in My Head

When you think about life - your life - I mean Really think about it, what things pop in to your head?

With this recent lung thing I've thought a lot about things. Things that pick my butt that stick in my head and don't go out. (still working on my wedding post) I think about passing people in my life. X-lovers and friends. Some to make amends with others ......... just a wondering aobut them.

i think about my life now and the things i tell myself I will do later. Or wouldn't it be cool if I did that or took Charlotte there, or eventually it will happen. WEll soemtimes eventually doesn't come. It needs to happen now. Be in the plan for Now. Take place really close to Now.

Got my applications for my upgrades to Life Insurance all looked after last week. They will be poking at m doctor for stuff. CArp! Gotta get this all looked after before my next birthday and before there is a definant diagnosis of the nothing in my lung! I have to make sure Charlotte is looked after.

Then while thinking of life insurance, the questions of beneficiary comes up. Mountain.

I was getting set to get the house in his name as well. To make him the beneficiary of my insurance to look after Charlotte .......... The realization for me that if I die next week, that woman and her kid will float back in to his life. That she will have her hand on his wallet and take all that I leave him. He will give it without thinking because that's what he does. He will be distraught and alone and will put his head on her shoulder without giving it a thought. She will take advantage of his emotions and weasle her way in. She will take from Charlotte. Charlotte will not get what is rightfully hers. Charlotte will suddenly come second.

No i do now trust or believe that will not happen.

So what am i doing then? So what am I doing here then .............

I think I've made a mistake

Dreams

Funny how the mind works.

my dreams were so busy last night. I was going under the knife. YiKes! Getting a kidney transplant. Holy Carp - where did that come from!?!! I ran away in my dream after saying good bye to family and friends that had come to the hospital with me for support. I ran away in my dream because I decided I didn't need the operation. There was nothing wrong with my kidneys.

I woke this morning and have decided there is nothing wrong with my lungs!

No, that doens't mean I m going to run away from the CT scan. I am still going. What it means is that I am getting out of the mindset that there is something in there, pneumonia or disease to worry about. That its merely scar tissue from the many times I've been sick.

That's it. Nothing else.

I am tired and run down because I do so much in a day. My mind is always think, think, thinking ......... that can exhaust a person!

So I am fine because I have decided so.

Blog on!

It's a Date

my CT scan is scheduled.

Next Friday the 21st i go in yo LMH.

I am tired - going to bed - Blog on Dudes

Health

I got to my doc's yesterday for our appointment.

Blood work is my first chore. He wants my kidneys tested. Says its to be sure I will be okay for the CT scan if they need to do imaging. but I don't know. I started reading about the creatinine tests and kidney functions......

The thing in my lung is smaller than it was in July. This is good! Cancer doesn't make it a habit of shrinking.

He didn't offer up and ideas or thoughts to what it might be. I suggested my theory on antibiotic resistant pneumonia - he nodded in agreeance - could be. If it is that, they will have to put me in conscience sedation and go into my lung. None of that sounds nice. However, the theory that it is pneumonia would explain why I am sooo tired a lot. My confusion that i get. The coughing up stuff. The dizziness, night sweats and the general feeling like poo most of the time.

Am I scared? DAmn Rights! Its been there for quite awhile now. This is not good. It can make itself acute if it so chooses. With the rainy cold damp weather coming I am more than a little worried.

So I am a sick girl

I talked to him about the period that has been missing since July. The hot flashes - his response - 'you're only 41!!!' Thanks, I am aware

I told him

Xray

I went for my follow up Xray last week ....... finally.

i was supposed to go right after the wedding. Of course I didn't. Scared that there would be soemthing there. i procrastinated for 2 months. I set up an appointment for next tuesday with the doc as he is away this week. The day after Thanksgiving. I figured I would hit all the birds - talk to him about the xray, about my hot flashes, my wierd sugar levels, how exhausted I've been ... about my wedding ...........

The doctors office just called. He wants to see me ASAP. He wants to send me for a CT scan. I reminded them of my already appointment for next Tuesday.

I am scared - what will they find?