Dreaded Conversation

well its out there.

Didn't go AT ALL how I had rehearsed in my head.  Him saying things I didn't expect.  Like - I got what I wanted.  Leah is out of his life.  BAHAHAHA!  since when.  This week!  It was not more than 6 weeks ago when it took you till 9pm to get out of there.  So you are out till August when she needs back to school clothes for Teaghan and you go on the cute family shop.  

I asked if the issues had been resolved cuase I never got a phone call from her to work things out.  What Issues?  insert blank stare here

ok - well fact is I hurt and having teaghan stresses me out I dont think this is a good time.  Why does she stress me out he asks.  Cuase I have to walk on eggshells when she is here.  ITS MY HOUSE!!!  I can't discipline her, i can barely talk to her without you jumping down my throat.  

I thought you were trying to build a family unit?  HOLY CRAP!  yah.  not now!  NOt now that I've been left out, dis-respected and ignored for 3 years.  Not now that she hasn't been "allowed" within 10 feet of me for the last 8 months.  Not now that no matter how I try I am NEVER included.  Not when I can't treat her as my own cause I get 'put in my place'

You wanted it to be 2 separate families Mntn.  You never sided with me on anything against Leah.  You have either stood in the middle or stood with her.  Well there you go.  This is what you have created.  I am not putting my emotions or Charlottes out there to get stomped on anymore.  You have what you have created and i have what I have created.

I am in Too much pain for this Shite!

and after the results from the Doctor - I am not into the next wave of manipulation.  I said to him.....so we get teaghan and then in 6 weeks when Leah feels like it she pulls her out from under us again.  FUCK THAT!!!  I told him I am not enabling her Bad parenting choices.

We will need to talk about it tonight

I am tired.  I didn't sleep.  I'm gonna have to take those stupid before bed pills again.  I hurt and all I can picture is my leg bone chipping off against my pelvis.   I'm sure there's special way for my to be sitting and laying........ 

Pain

so here i sit after not sleeping to shit hot last night.

i hurt.  Guess the combination of 3 days of work in a row and the doc pocking and proding has hurt the are but good.  Of course now that i know.....that sent my head whirring last night.  I lay in bed with my fingers on my tummy like he showed me squeezing the muscle.  Hold for 10 and then let go.  i have to do 50 reps.

Is it my pelvic floor?  No.  but its close to it i think.   Its the band of muscle that holds my Pelvis Together!  He explained everything to me while Mountain sat listening.  he used those fake skeleton things you see in the doctors office.  WoW.  I always thought they were for decoration only!  Anyway.  He used those and I'm slightly scared.  I lay here last night thinking......if I can't get it back with excercise and therapy I'll have to be operated on!

I hurt a lot today.  i am swollen and i have to go to work.  This sucks.  As it sinks in and the words reverberate through my brain and Mountain and I have talked about it..........this is jsut bad.

Hip Socket?

my hiip socket really is out!!

i have to do these fffed up excercises to strengthn the pelvic floor to pull stuff back into place.  lie on my back and pretend like I am trying to hold a tampon in.  NO NOT KEGELS!  cause thats what I said.  This is different.  This is where my BenWa balls would be helpful.  hey I should find those!!!   I'm not sure if I know what I am doing.  Flexing and holding down there kind started to get my excited.  So I don't knwo if I was doing it right.  I;ll figure it out. I'll find my balls and use those.   Then theres another one I have to do where I put one leg up and bend and dive and......its wierd....but hopefully it works.  So I really did jar my leg out of place!  Holy Carp!  it wasn't in my head.  No wonder I am in pain.  My hip bones are k-nicking against each other and yes, it does feel like my leg is dis-jointed cuz it is!!!

so I have physio to look forward to and these dumb excercises and pain with work.  But i did get "the note" and got it faxed to ICBC so hopefully i will be reinbursed soon for my loss of wages.

Oh yes and Thank you to those of you that helped fund raise for Charley to go to camp.  My bill for her came to a WHOPPING $12.37!!!   WooooHoooo.

Theres also another matter that we went to the Doc for.....but thats updated on my other blog

Blog On!

I'm Missing my T.....

Oh Great!

he misses her.  Totally normal he wouldn't be the man I love if he didn't.  He wants to get her this weekend.  I say nothing and I don't open the door to conversation about it.

I am not ready for the rest of the conversation that will follow.  I need for him to lead it and I will stay calm and simply say no.

i figure it should go something like this -

Why is it that Teaghan is again allowed to be in my home?  I'm sure he will respond with somehting similar to the half conversation we had 5 weeks ago.  I guess Leah has gotten over it

To this i might inquire if they've discussed it and resolved it.  I don't know what to expect there.  I think I will have to find the right words for this next bit, but I will respond with soemthing like I haven't recieved a phone call from her.  She hasn't resolved anything with me.  To this he will get mad.  I plan to work in that I have not changed.  I might leave out some stuff depending on which way the conversation goes.  but I think I will bring up parts of the conversation she and I had in November.  The part where she doesn't beleive me to like her kid.  If that is true, than I question her reasons for putting her child in a place where she is not liked or wanted if thats what she believes - are you getting this.  I think I am confusing myself.  

I think my best bet is to leave out that last part altogether and just say I don't feel comfortable having Teaghan here.  I feel that Leah is a bad mother and I don't want to include myself or Charlotte in the enablement of it.  and leave it at that.  If he pushes further, thats when I will give my reasons  Ie. the conversation.  

I know this is a jumpy post and if you can follow it Great!

Bottom line......i don't want to expose myself to the drama and stress that come with that girl and I don't want to put Charley out there either.  WE (all 4 of us) all get in the comfy family zone and then Leah gets bitchy and pulls the kid!  and Then we are all left hurt.  Forget it!  I'm not doing it.  I am a real family not a pretend one and I don't want to play house with her without getting to actually be a part of her.

or how bout' - I don't think its in the teaghans bet interests to come here under the circumstances. 

Done Deal!

Blog ON!

Scared to drive Today

Its wet out.  The roads are damp.  Its slippy.  

I am scared to drive to work.

This sucks.  

Flashback to looking in my rear-view and watching the grill come up so fast behind me. My head flying forward.  Feeling like my skull left my spine.......

this really sucks.

and then the second truck only a week later that nearly ended up in my trunk!  he was going even faster than the first.

I gotta stop looking in my rear view mirror.

CHarley has a Friend over from School!!!!

how cool is that?!!

ScHoOL?

What if I went back to school?

I've been thinking.  I could very likely be screwed to do this job till retirement as I might like.  Maybe I go back and finish what I started - childcare degree.

or maybe I go back and see what it would take to do what I've always wanted and be a psychologist?  That one would take years.  Especially since I know I would have to upgrade first.  Suck!

if I finish my degree - if they accept me, its been a long time out - i could use that as a route to Child psychology!

I don't know.  Just tossing around ideas in my head.  I am scared.  Scared about how I might not be able to work and I have to do something!  It would be expensive too.  but if I did it part-time?  over millions of years?  and work part-time?

when i was in high-school I had being a psychiatrist would be something I would like.  Taht takes YEARS  even full-time.  and I don't have the brain for the math.  Math is such an enemy to me.  But maybe, maybe now I am mature enough to tackle such things again!

i went back when Charley was 2 and started my course load to get me what I needed to get what I wanted.  Did that for 2 years till i was accepted into the program that would finish my degree........i didn't do it.  That was even in a time before I had a computer!  CAn you believe it?  I had to do homework and papers on borrowed PC's or at the college and i had no idea how to use them.  Frig those days were hard.

supporting kid on my extremly part-time job, trying to do homework while I was a full-time mom and dad.....i just couldn't do it.  Charley was very demanding and Never Slept.  uGH!  I dropped out.

but maybe now

i don't know............just thinking.  Its a lot to ponder.  Its a lot to sacrifice.  Its a long road........

seriously

Freekin' back!

I've been sitting.  REally i have.  I've been sitting and thinking and so I got up to water the hanging basket.....what a friggin' mistake taht was!

took my meds.....they make me stoned and I still hurt.  I am seriously better off with a glass of wine!  

on the up side - I went to WAl-Mart to pick up saran wrap, BBQ sauce, and magazines.  sounds like and interesting SAturday night!  While I was there I treated myself to one more thing I can't afford - a New summer dress and Flips!  That made me feel better as I was hobbling around like one of those old people, propped up on the buggy as to ease the pain from my back from being on my feet.

Frig!  seriously.  My back hurts! even from simply walking across the parking lot!!!  My overly hot car seat was heaven to my lumbar spot when i got in at the end of my wild shopping spree.

UGH!  so Now I sit some more with my feet up.  I will soak up the sun and enjoy this forced laziness.  Maybe I'll request Mountain to gather me a bottle of wine from the store..........hmmmmmmm  sounds Good!

Blog On Dudes!

The Silver Lining

Yah.  I went.

Yah.  it sucked.

but......boss-man (which has been a big concern - he seems to think I am making all this up - thats a whole other post.....)  anyhow, after saying some stuff that I didnh't need for him to say.  He has not really asked anything about what has happend to me or what I am going thru.....anyhow...like I said another post for another day.......i have told him I don't want to stop working.....cuz I don't.  I know thats probably stupid.  But I need to work.  So he has agreed to put me on the short lunch shift.

The good part in all this is that I will be able to pick Charley up from school every day!!!  Well for a week or so anyhow.  Money is gonna be tight.  I spent the money i put aside for Charley. Fug!

Money works out Money works out Money works out

It'll be ok.  I will sit with my feet up and relax with some blogs and some computer pics.  I will have extra time in my days now - although I am limited to what I can get accomplished.  Maybe I'll write some letters to the paper.  Read ALL the trashy magazines out there.  I'll be up on all the celebrity gossip!  I will be able to have supper on the table every night for my family.  I can organize things.....my filing cabinet maybe?  haven't had time for that since I left Madisons 4 years ago.  Holy Carp!  has it been 4 years?!!  

No Lifting!  I must remember that.  I am broken!  I must remember that as well.

I could have daytime visitors......maybe.  Charley can have playdates!  how cool.

Which reminds me - Charley had a track meet today.  District wide.  She won 2nd in the hurdles and 5th in the 350 metre!!!  how awesome is that!??  I am so pleased for her and she is so tired from her busy day.

Ok.  Off I go to get my ICBC mail read and understood.

Blog On Dudes!

third Doc Opinion

I really am Hurt.  This is not in my head and I am not being weak.

sitting in the clinic waiting to be seen.....it hurt to sit.  I couldn't get comfy.  Trying to back my car up and can't turn my head - what the hell.  i could yesterday!!  Trying to read a magazine and lowering my head was out of the question, but it seems holding the book up in front of my eyes was a bad idea too!

He said too early for and kind of physio or chiropratic or xrays......i am still too swollen.  SAme thing my family doc said 2 days ago!

STOP WORKING!

I told him how its not even the pain that freaks me out.  its the lack of strength to hold my body up.  The sudden shaking and the struggle to just keep going........

i have deep tissue damage.  It takes WEEKS to heal.

Weeks!

I don't have weeks!

FUG!  I want to cry.  Its gorgeous and warm out and i can't do anything out there except sit and I can't even do that very well.  My assbone hurts!!!

it hurts to sit on the Friggin' toilet for FF's sake.  and yet to stand and walk.....i can only manage that for a few feet before a nerve twitches out!

i am so Super Pissed!

so this is pain and suffering?

I don't know what to do!

taking advantage of help

so a have soemone to cover my shift tomorrow.

so i will take it.

my back spasming?  or rather, it felt as  though I couldn't support my own wieght.  What an awful feeling.  There were a few times i thought my legs were just going to let go!  The pain in my should blades.  That hasn't been there since it happened.  How wierd.  So now I will sit and relax.   Feet in the air.  Hot bath.

Where the Hell is my kid I can't do any of that while she is off wandering..........

so after much hard thinking I decided to give my shift away for tomorrow cuz i Have to be there Friday.  So best to take what I can when I can.

Blog On

its going to a long day

so today I am at work.

i am nervous cuause of the back pelvis thing.  Lifting......on my feet for 7 1/2 hours.  I hope its busy.  I hate the money i lost be going home early last week, especially Friday and missing yesterday......

went to see my family doctor yesterday.  I still feel swollen and tight, but he ays nothing is out of place that he can tell.  He doens't want to do physio yet till more of the ick is gone.  Or prescribe it.  He's concerned that my "leg sockets" hurt.  (thats what I called them) but its my pelvis and tailbone

he's concerned about my job and what I do there.  I gonna hurt myself.  He asked if there's light duties......HAHAHAHA!!!  and all i can think about is the pop order that is coming today that I have to put away........told him about my missing period.  He is concerned.  Not worried, but concerned.  That will make for an interesting ICBC claim if it doens't ever come back!

Doc orders are to cut my hours back at work if I am able.  He originally wanted me to take a week off!  Keep active, but not too active.  He doens't want me laying on the couch!  but He doens't want my running a marathon either.  Stop the lifting for now and when i feel i need to sit  than thats what I need to do.

My conclusion - for now is to see how i make it thru today!

after all the again half-sleep i got last night.  Funny dreams about funny people.  One dream I had i was sitting an eating a meal with Mr. Big, Tall Dude and Mountain  ........ it was very awkward.  Another i had was that Leah and Tea came over.  Leah walking right passed me in ignorance....i woke up before that went any further.  Thank goodness!

so I wake tired.  Every time I woke in the night and looked at the clock not much time had passed at all.  Soemtimes only 10 minutes!!!

Blog ON!

not Car related

Mountain tried to get Tea this past weekend.  She went camping.

No.  We have not talked yet about her coming to my house.

Its a conversation or an argument I don't want to have if I dont' have to.  So I am waiting till she actually coming.  

Mountain is moslty finished the playhouse.

he put some small detail on the peak on the outside of the house.  Looks great!

then he says it would be cool to carve a "C" on one side and a "T" on the other.  I'm staring at him cuz Rachel doesn't start with a "T".......... then it dawns on me........

you've got to be Fucking kidding me!

You built this house for Charlotte and her friend!

if Tea is Ever allowed the privilege of coming to my house again, she will be allowed to play in the Clubhouse.  But it sure as Hell Ain't Hers!!!  and She sure as Hell don't get the privilege of putting any ownership to it!

FUCK THAT!!! That is Charley's clubhouse!

I am A Mess

just went to take my car in

put my signal on to turn left.  I turned it on and braked long before the turn.  I am watching the white pick-up way behind me getting closer and closer and going really fast.  He Finally see's me.  

Slams on his brakes.  I listen to the screeching tires.  I see his back-end fish tailing out behind him.  I see the vehicle behind him braking like crazy too.  The screeching in harmony now.

Again I see a white grill and steel bumper coming at me thru the rear-view mirror.  

FUCKER Your Going To Hit Me!!!!

not again!

i take my foot off the brake and pull 10/20 feet forward as he narrowly misses my car.

my body is tighter than it was.  I am reduced to tears after I make the corner and have to pull over.  I am scared.  So scared.  I phone Mntn and leave a message.  I take my car in and the guy there can see that I am visibly shaken up.  Tears on my face.  

I don't want to drive anymore.

Is there some wierd cosmic energy out there that I need to be in a horrible car wreck?  That it won't stop till it gets me?  If there is and I can't avoid it - just let it happen when Charlotte is Not with me........

I know that sounds bizaare for me to say, but 2 other times last week i was nearly broadsided.  Not as close as this morning though.

Had I not taken my foot off the brake - he would have hit me.  I'd be part of an accident scene.  I really messy one.

Each time its closer.  I hope there isn't a next one.

I have the courtesy car now.  hopefully people can see it and I don't have to drive scared anymore.

see my doctor today.  my back is tight.  My spine.  My tailbone?  how wierd is that.  My hips.  I guess its my pelvis.  I was up for a few hours in the night cuz the ache woke me.  Such an ache and I can't get comfy.  I fall asleep sitting up for a bit.  The stress of losing hours from work and how am I going to manage.......bills, mortgage, food.  Money that I have socked away for a few things - will be gone in no time.

and i go back to being scared, but for different reasons

Blog ON

a Loan is that The way?

I am not too keen on this loan thing.

I mean I am, but I'm not all at the same time.

He went for it becuase he needs a new vehicle.  We almost lost his micra this past winter.  If we have another winter like that I'm sure we will lose it.  The posibilty over this last week that we might lose my Sexy Sable......Yikes!  Mine is the good car!  Replacing it would be very costly.

I guess its the payment thing.  He just finished paying off that other huge loan last november.  Now to get another one........

and the vehicle he is looking at I am not totally thinking its the best idea ever.  Its not horrible, but its not great.  Its an older truck.  Something we've found we need over the last couple years here.  A truck.  We are bringing home and so many things.......wood........furniture.........and every time we have to scrounge to get help.  It sucks and we missed out on some free wood becasue of it!  Its an old enough vehicle that he will be able to do the maintenance himself.  Also a plus.  However, i have a hard time justifying paying out that much money for an something so old.......we will need to talk about it some more.  Hopefully its sold.

the other thing with this loan that will happen is - A RING FOR ME!!!!!

i am really excited about that part.  I am thinking though that he's put a little too much money aside out of this loan for it.  I am not that greedy.  He says, which i knew he would, if this ring is a reflection of him - its gonna be quality and its gonna be nice!  He says nothing is too good for his wife!  hehe - his wife  :)

however, i think he could do quality and nice in cash payments and I would help.....

in the end i am not liking this money deal cuz of how it will effect us for buying a house.  Apparently when he did the deal he spoke to his loaning agent about that.  and because he has money in RRSP's thats supposed to make it work out better or work or somehting.  I don't know.  I don't see how that can make it better.

So much for Cash or Bust.  I guess i'm the only one following the rules.

Thats fine.  I will keep following the rules.  What is meant to be will happen

Blog On  

my car only has a thousand dollars damage!!!  Whew!  I am soo very happy.

I am still soar though and that sucks.  left work a half hour early today.  it hurts to drive my car.  I have to drive with my head leaning back on the head rest cuz it hurts  to accelerate.  Who knew I moved my neck and head so much?

i get twinges of pain while serving.  My lower back feels un-nice.  But My car is still my car!  YaY!!!  She will get her bum replaced at the hospital on Tuesday.

Mntn had news taht he was at the bank today applying for financing!    YaY!!!!

so excting

ACK

I am nervous about the outcome of 2 things

number 0ne - the election.  If the NDP get in we no longer open at 10AM and close at 10PM.  

number two - my car.  I am sick thinking about the fact that its a 96 and could very well be written off with this accident.  

I can't afford to lose 40 hours a month.

I can't afford a new car.

but I've been craving Schnitzel for days!  So I'm makin' some for dinner!  Thats my silver lining.

good Luck everyone.  Blog On!

rear end

I got hit a block from work this morning.

from behind.  He hit me solid.  I am a little achy.  Gonna go get in the bath.

Blog On

Mother's Day 2009

All i asked for was - keep my kitchen clean and a hanging basket

I Got Them Both!!!

then a foot soak after a LOOONG weekend on my feet at work with the person that made me a mom.  This is a great day!

off i go to enjoy a glass of wine and observe my man at work building the house.  This is Such a Great day!  I Love It!!

Blog On!

Torn

I am so torn about this election

on the one hand the NDP wants to raise minimum wage.  That will hurt small business.  My hours alone will be cut by 5( correction - 9 ) a week!  I shudder to think what that will do to prices of things and how many other places will just go out of business.

on the other hand the Liberals want to bring in All-Day Kindergarten.  Something I think is utterly ridiculous.  Our little ones being required, at 4 and 5 years old to sit in school!  They are in school their whole lives as it is.  They want to institutionalize children further in an institution that is already letting our children down!  When do kids get to be kids now?  and they want to jail them further?  Children need to be kids and they need to run and play, to take that from them at such a young age.......

UGH!  I don't know who to vote for

Madonna

Ok.  What is going on in my brain?

Again I have a dream about Madonna.

we are hangin' together.  What the Hell does that mean?!!!

ARGH my mother

why I tell her anything ?

told her about the playhouse and how excited Charlotte is.  She just..........

Ok.  I was brought up being told all the things i can't do without ever being given a solution.

"Isn't she a bit old for a playhouse?"

no, not one that is made for big kids.  With a door she can actually fit thru!  She is not too old for a clubhouse!

I had a playhouse that my dad built when i was a kid.  He moved it piece by piece when we moved out of Richmond and put it back together.  It was great - for awhile.  But i was never allowed to do anything to it.  I wanted to put clothes up to make a door or a window.  Nope.  i drew on the wall once and got holy shit for it.  

It was one of those ones that as i grew........i outgrew.  by the time i was 10 I couldn't stand up straight in it let alone not have to duck to get thru the door.  So I stopped going in it.  So thats what  my mom thinks and remembers.

however, this playhouse is different.  Not only is it Much taller, she will be allowed to paint the inside however she wants.  She will be allowed to move her little chairs and tables in there.  One wall will be a chalkboard.  It will have shutters over the windows.  and Now I have a customer at work willing to come and put electricity in it!  So she can have an actual working lite and plug!

I hate how she makes me feel I need to explain myself.  Explain the money I spent.  Explain..........

FUDGE!

how about - I didn't buy a brand new car, off the lot, like my brother with my line of credit!  how about I don't  drive down to the coast in it once a month.  How about I don't have credit debt up the ying yang like my sister and now creating more by trying to get pregnant.  How about the 10grand she intends to spend to get a baby.  All that is all good - but me spending 400bux that I had saved up.  Cash.  Not only is it going into my home and making my home worth more, but its hopefully going to keep my kid from running the street by giving her a place to "hang-out"!  How about the great part where hopefully this stops me from having to come to my mother in 7 years to borrow money for bail!  i don't go on lavish vacations.  Frig!  Mntn and I are trying to buy a ring so we can get this show on the road and are having struggling cuz we want to pay CasH!

We Want This to be a NO CREDIT Houshold as much as Possible!

Credit is for emergencies.  Thats our thing.  Cash or Bust Baby!

Yet I still feel like i have to explain myself.

Bad?  no I don't feel bad or guilty for doing this for Charles.  Not in the least.  I'm actaully very pleased with myself that I had the money saved and could do it on such short notice.  i mean, not to say that that money wasn't for somehitng else, but still.  I could do it.  Now I just need to keep saving for the thing it was actually meant for some more.  Just keep sockign it away!  

I jsut shouldn't have to justify it to my mom and I HATE that she can get to me like that.  IRG!  I work really hard and save my money and............

then the topper was C telling me a story that happened at school and.........well to make a long story short.  She has No pride in her home.  

my feelings were literally crushed.  I love my little house!  Its beautiful i think.  and she ......... 

I even own this place!  all by myself!  I pay for everything.  ALL BY MYSELF!

my feelings got hurt.  not that she said anything horrible, just how she said it.

I am hurt.  My period must be coming cuz I am over the top emotional about this and it shouldn't be that big of a deal.

Blog ON!

These DAyz

Well as you can see Spa Night was a great success!

the girls and I had the best time.  I fed them veggie lasagna and SAlad.  They had fruit and veg to munch on all night.  

I put out crackers and spinach dip and Cheese ball.  They hated the fancy mineral water so we switched to sprite.  They drank out of martini glasses with icecubes that had limes frozen inside them!  I taught them how to wash their faces and put cream on.  Careful to use the right finger as to not promote wrinkles and always wash up.  

i tipped their nails and massaged their hands with oil.  Then the movie was over and we had a huge Dance Party!  I taught them the Macarana!  What a hoot.  The queen requested Madonna.  I played my stereo as loud as it would got before distorting!

Mntn sat quietly at the kitchen table reading.  In the morning we had to wake super early cuz one of the girls had to be picked up by 9:30!  

it was tough.  We were tired.  

So I made Chamomile tea and cut up fruit for them for breakfast.  After the fruit they were still hungry so i made pancakes.  Then we did half assed pedi's before they left at 11.  Then I went and layed down and Charley went in her room for quiet time.

Mntn got out all his tools and started measuring, sawing and banging.  He spent all day out there taking advantage of the rain that never happened.  The result - the playhouse frame is Done!

So the next step this weekend, is to empty out the existing shed, move it over and place the playhouse where the shed was.  I work ALL weekend so it will all be taking place without me.  but once its moved he can start siding it!  Yay!  Charley is beside herself excited!  and so am i.  What a wonderful man I have found.

i love  him sooo much.

lots of discussion as of late about when we get married.  *giggle*

Well off I go to wake up The Queen.  Seems she is sleeping in.

Blog On!

sometimes time gets under my skin

erken spkeckin irg jibble meck.

now if you can break the code I'll tell you the rest