WEll, I can't talk about this stuff on my peri-menopause blog anymore. Because its supposed to be about my peri-menopause. I document a lot of stuff there so I can go back and keep track of what's going on.
Going thru an IUI and now what is happening and all the stuff surrounding it isn't menopausal.
So here I write.
I was going to just step back and not talk about it. but Its all that's in my head right now.
A week ago I had an IUI. I took an HPT just to see that positive line show up right after. Knowing it was a false positive. If you have pee'd on as many HPT's as I have, you will do something just as crazy to see what it's supposed to look like.
I keep getting twinges. It happens in the same spots. One on the left, one on the right. They are new since having this thing done. My HPT is coming up negative now, that is to be expected.
I had one large follie on the left and two on the right during the Friday scan.
It can take anywhere from 12-24hours for an egg to be fertilized than up to 7-10 days for it to implant. The HCG doesn't show up in your system till the placenta starts growing.
So here I sit. it'll be exactly 7 full days since turkey baster at 4:30 today. 24 hours out would make the latest fertilized hour the 23rd. So 7 days out from that .............would be Wednesday evening, the 30th, at the earliest. So Thursday morning I should test?
i am feeling that it didn't work for us. i am feeling disheartened. I am not good at this waiting. Patience has never been a virtue of mine. Will we try again? I think so. We are still covered for the meds on husbands plan, enough for one more go at it I believe. If the dr lets us.
If not even fertilization occurs this go 'round, I dunno. I just don't know.
The what if fears are prevalent. Going back to the beginning. Starting with a freshy. The time that will be needed to be invested. All things i know very well. I worry that husband is clueless to such things. I worry that he really does not get that he will be footing the bill for everything if I am off work. Will I be going back to work? If we have Two I would have to say NO. Daycare is insane! The struggles that will be our parenting techniques. I have done this and I did it well, The Queen who is now 14 is a reflection of that. Will he allow me to take the lead easily? Will I be able to accept his help? will he interfere in the routines i put in place? How will we survive?
if 3 come- well I can just stick my head between my knees and kiss my ass good-bye!
I happen to know I am amazing, and can handle a lot, but 3?!! More than just a little bit would have to change. My beautiful Blueberry being the first.
Oh yes, these are things I have been thinking about.
And if there is nothing. WE are not blessed? this is it. This is our life. Ok - well I get a dog. I travel (husband doesn't care to) i decorate my home how I want and do more of the things that bring my spirituality back. I've lost it over the years. There is not even room for Zen in this house. I will wait for grandchildren.........we will be blessed in other ways.
What is meant to be will happen. We will give it our best shot.
I have embraced folic acid and protein. My wagon pulled up New Years day and I jumped on with bells. I have done my best to make my uterus a happy, healthy place to grow. If it doens't happen - there's really nothing more I can do. Other than cut out my morning coffee. I've cut down - but I never really have that much in the AM anyhow. So I guess, now I just wait. Wait two more morning pee's. The third pee is the beginning of stick peeing.
I've got little pin head white head zits around my eyebrow. That is usually a sign my period is on its way................. my boobs have been sore for 2 mnths now. I just don't know what to think. Yet last night, I noticed my urine was slightly darker and scented different. Has been a sign in the past of pregnancy. Nothing is normal. Everything points to something and can be anything I want it to be. The mind is a powerful thing. I am doing my best to see/feel things exactly as they are and not to spin it. That way I can be true to myself. I hate not knowing what is going on! ERG!
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