Did you know.........

if your Cell phone charger is plugged into the wall; even if its not charging anything, its still using energy?!!!!!

i did not.

I just learned something and unplugged my charger immediatly!

the  movie Little Women makes me Cry

Bought my DAughter her first pair of pumps.

I remember my first pairs of heels.  Very cleary as a matter of fact.  I was even a size 5 too!  This was a pretty special day.

Watching her walk around in them to "get used to them"  has also been memorable to be filed away in the mommy files.  WoW!  She is growing up!  I can only hope I have done an okay job to help her be a successful adult.  To achieve her goals, wants, needs and dreams.  I really hope i am doing my job.  Cuz, since, most people are afraid of confrontation,  they aren't about to tell me i suck!  So all I  an do is just hope I am doing an okay job.  Keep my eyes open and see my daughter for all and who that she is.  Guide her well and trust her.

Blog on!

held a baby tonight

put him to sleep..................

I might be good with that. Am I?

Flirting? Charlotte? HUH!

So last night a dear friend of Mntns stopped by with Beer.  He was needing his friend and some comfort.  He just broke up with his lady friend.......ANYHOW!!!  Charley calles him Mr. Dude.  Why?  I dunno.  She met him a couple years ago and thats what she dubbed him.  

So he was here last evening and this odd transformation came over my daughter.  As Mntn and I watched......she started to show off.  She lept about the living room.  "kept him informed"  she says of the current events of her life and sat down at the piano to play a tune for him.  My little girl was FLIRTING!!!!!

This straight on the heels of her funky breakdown Monday that I recognized as PMS emotional, irrational behaviour.  My girl has not been easy to rise n'shine as of late either.

Could it be?

Could it be the change is upon us?

Could it be she is has caught the Dreaded ............ PUBERTY!

So Christmas day is a month away!

i collected money from my partner at work and purchased a Fake tree for Boss M and Lady Boss for the restaurant.  It is their gift from us.  

then of course I remembered my lights for my tree all strings Blew last year!  That was money I didn't plan on spending.

Man I hope January isnt as bad as I am anticipating it to be.  I am breeding Bills as we speak!

Blog On!

Christmas is a Month Away!

My house is a shambles.

Christmas boxes Everywhere.  Christmas Decor that I am ACTUALLY getting rid of!  If you can believe it!!

4 Weekends left to get shit done and ready for One day of family giving.  Wow!

so Frrday is a Pro. D day.  I have booked it and gotten it off.  Charley and I will do Our final shopping spree together.  Christmas shoes for her.  I need a new sparkly top or cheap dress to wear to Mntn's Christmas party in a couple weeks.

Since Charley is "double digits" now we will be looking for her first pair of Christmas Pumps.  This will be a very special shopping spree.

Christmas cards should get started this weekend too I suppose.  I am not doing as many as I do other years.  Or as Much even.  I find myself with very tight purse strings anticipating January closure and February slowness.

Some tough months ahead when Christmas is through.

I hope I am wrong.........

Blog On!

SUCCESS!!!!

We talked!

We listened!

We communicated!  YaY for us!

We even came up with one thing that we could agree on to help me with my anger!  YaY us some more!

There is still lots to work through with this issue.  We even both agreed on that too!  and we are going to do what we can.  my middle ground is changing.

This is good.  Even though we didn't resolve all that much, if anything, it felt good to be going in a positive direction.

Blog On!

My cat is dying.

he hasn't eaten since Friday.  He's been drinking water......he is in no pain.  He just wants to be on my bed.  So i will let him.  He will die there.   It is ok.  its just a matter of time.  He's frail and weak.  He just wants to sleep.  And that is okay too.  I would like for him to go wihtout pain or Trauma of a "car-ride" and if sleeping on my bed is where he is comfortable in his last days .... hours than I will let him be.

Mntn is not back from White Rock yet.  I am chewing my thumbs off waiting.  I texted him an hour ago to see what his ETA is.  No reponse.  I HATE THAT!!!  Don't fuckin ignore me!  Than he wonders why i am so pissed.

We plan to "talk" tonight.  to excercise our communication skills that we didn't learn yesterday during our session.  

I am a mess.  No numbing.  Pure Kristi.  and I am getting madder and madder with each passing minute.

Please Help me Lord

..........and how was the Session............

Counselling Saturday Morning

holy heck and Dina!

I am nervous and not, all at the same time.

i don't htink he really thought i was going to go through with it when i asked him.

i am sure to be humbled

Blog on

Christmas is Only 5 weekends Away!!!

thats it - 5!

so much to do, so much to do.

Baking, decorating shopping Oh My!

This is awesome

He's agreed to the counselling.  I  am calling them today to book, but what do we do with Charlotte?  ACK!  Hopefully my Sister can help us out

So the rest of the Carp doens't matter.

What matters is that I am continually being excluded by his Ex for special occasions that involve the kid.  And he is going along with it.  That not a good partner makes.

It says to me that he is her partner still and I am being rejected by both of them.  and Nobody likes rejection.  by her, fine.  I can handle that.  By him........not cool.  Not cool at all!

partnership - no matter what kind it is, you gotta have each others back

I struggle with Charlottes heart

I let this one in

my heart has many scars............. he is being stubborn..........even if i pull thru with "counselling" as my shield.........i will hold on cuz thats what I do.  you will hear about it and all have opinions or may voice or not voice.

I am in the midst.....

couselling.  "yah I'll go, but it won't change what I feel"

well that just great!

so I wil go

I will set it up in hopes and I have to keep the min-set that I still have stuff to learn!

but when i look at it.....from the outside.  When i  look at it from the path.... thi is the beginning of the end.

I am sure there will be many many moments whent this is great and we'll get thru this and........i will hold on for Charley.  She loves him and this has is and was her first and only experience of a Dad.  I can't take that away from her.  Not at this stage in her life.

So I will smile.  Smile.  Smile.

Maybe great things wil happen concerning this subject>  If so then YaY!!!!  all I said is NULL and VOID!!

Maybe he made the decision for me and that is why he hasn't picked up his phone or answered me while I was on my home this evening.  FUCKER!

Which by the way had the most nicest evening out at Liz-bits.  if I can get my shit together and get Christmas stuff of my shed early enough I might just need to take a drive to hold an umbrella for my nieces Senior Photos!

hope thats okay?!!

Staying Focused

Will he meet with me and a 'someone'?

I don't know yet.  I will have my answer today.

but I have to stay focused.  I have to stay focused on my argument.  Its so easy to get caught up in everything else.  'well she did that and she did this and she is just a whore'  you know.  i get messy and that stuff isn't altoghetr relevent.

in my head this is how it might go.......

what brings you here?

my boyfriend has been invited to his daughters birthday party by his Ex-girlfriend

okay

i have not been invited nor has my daughter

and this bothers you why?

becasue I have been excluded and rejected and so has my daughter.

Help me with the next part!!!!  What would come next?  Questions to him?  to me?  and what are they?

Help!!

you ask I will answer in the most clinical way we can to keep emotions out.  its when the emotions start that it gets all muddled.  it has to stay factual

or does it.......

Help Me!

he just doens't get it!

so last night he was here for dinner

before dinner he was reading the paper.  There is a ski swap coming to tradex This Weekend.  Fine.  He wants to go.  Ok.  then he says ...... I'll see if I can get Tea this weekend and take her and Charlotte.

I said nothing. escept Uh-huh.

but I've been thinking about it ever since.

do I say no to this?  or do i say fine go and take Charlotte?  Use the time she is here to be honest with the kid?  Ask her myself hat she is doing for her Birthday and see where it leads.........

it may lead into her asking if Charlotte and I are coming.  If it does, do i say no cause your mom doens't want us there......

or am I just busy this weekend and Mntn is on his own?

I see this as a springboard opportunity to work from the inside.  Is that evil?

I am also looking into counselling.  I have yet to ask him.  We did talk about it a long lopng time ago.....but that was just for him, as he has many things he has not dealt with ie. his brothers death.  The conversation was short with the jist being he wasn't into it.  So I dropped it.  its his shit and if he's not 'ready' to deal with it its his choice.  Now WE are in a situation where we need some help communicating about this topic in particular.  i don't feel i am wrong and he doens't feel he is wrong.  Maybe we Both need our eyes opened.  Maybe i am wrong and dealing with this in a bad way.  Maybe there are some tools, more tools that I need.  Maybe this really is my fault and i am truly selfish and a the Bitch in this whole thing..........

Help!

a Flashback to the things I Didn't say

I may have neglected to mention that last night the phone was held to me after he'd already had a lengthy, private discussion with her.

After making it clear I didn't want to talk to her i took the phone.

I kept my mouth shut for the most part.  What am I gonna say that already has not been said.  and I was just angry.  So keeping biting my cheek seemed like the best option as to not spew out the hatred and anger that was brewing inside me.

I should never have held my tongue.

she commented on how she doens't want me there becuase she doens't think I like her kid, but then why ever agree to letting her come to my house at all ever!  Why?  If I think someone is a threat to Charlotte I protect her.  I go out of my way to keep her safe.  so why then?  Why let her come here and be in my care if I don't like your kid?

the answer is this....you fucking bitch......if you don't, you don't get your time off!

I did lay it out to her that she pawns off her kid every weekend to either her mother or Mntn.  Of course than i hung up the phone.  Not my most adult moment, but I was pissed and had listened to enough and tuned her out enough and the inside of my mouth had the taste of blood in it.  However I did hit a nerve and she was not impressed to be called a bad mother.  Even though those weren't my words.....thats what she got out of it.  Good you Bitch!

Mntn said that was just downright mean.

you ain't seen nothing yet if you think that was mean.

Watch out.  The gloves are off and I am Mad

Daft

under-valued.  I am under-valued.  Dis-respected.  being nice gts the same results as just letting my feelings fly.  So why am I giving myself an ulcer?  Why am I trying?  Why did I bother getting a ticket to the Nutcracker for her?  Why did I offer up a birthday party?  Why am I putting myself in a position to make Christmas happen here, special?  Whats the point? Why have i been working sooo hard at biting my tongue?  Keeping my thoughts to myself?  Choosing my words carefully?  Why?   it all gets me nowhere.

he doens't get why him, just him going is a problem.  Spoke to her.....she doens't get it either.  They are both Daft, deluded and delusional!

first he tells me he gets why and now all of a sudden he doens't.  What part does he get and what part doen't he?

This not about me worrying about losing my boyfriend.

This is not about me being jealous in the old sense of the word.

jealous that she has soooo much control over him.  Yah.  Jealous that their feelings mean more than mine. Yah.  Jealous taht he just can't seem to say no.......and stand up for me.......

sometiems being a prent is really really hard.  and sometimes it means saying NO

I cna't even explain it any more.  I've lost my words......feels like I've used them all up.  Why don't they see it?  Why does it not hit the, this is not normal, button for them?  How do you explain somehting to someone that is just blind.  "i feel like the whole world is against me"   Cuz They Are!!!  Cuz this is Wrong!!!   Cuz she is Pulling your puppet Strings!!!  She knows exactly what she is doing!  and I know she is smug in herself knowing she's under my skin.

am i the blind one?

this is your family.  Not them.  Sucks that Tea is in the middle, but thats what happens when families split.  So what if this was all in place before I came along.  So the Fuck What!  Apparently you used to fuck too.  but things change when couples split!  Things change when families come toghether.  Traditions change when there are new people invloved.  I am up against a wall.  I[ve tried my damndest to go around the wall over it under it.  My tummy is sick.  I have anxiety.  I am really really upset.  He gives her the respect, he takes any validity i may have and tosses it out the window, in front of that Cunt!

So what am I going to do now?

not sure.  Still thinking about it.'Split with him?  I cna't do this.  It makes me sick.  Christmas is coming and its going to be hell.  I am sick about it already.  same as i am sick about this party taht isn't happening for another 10 days.  Can i live like this?  Constant anxiety? Constant disrespect?  These are the things I am asking myself.

Forget taking the kid to the Nutcracker!  Forget baking a cake for her!  Forget a second Christmas!  Forget coming here!  If i am cut out and not included than I will sure as Hell be cut out!  

I've been told I am selfish and a bitch.   Oh yes and Jealous.  Apparently i am worried that she is after my boyfriend.  WoW!  No that is not what this is about!  I know you don't want to date him Leah.  I know he wants nothing to do with you.  its about control and right and wrong and mostly my ill feelings about it all regardless of the base of them!  They are not being respected!

but selfish?  am i being selfish and not know it?  they say I am being selfish wanting mntn all to myself.  Telling him what to do.  ordering him around.  Selfish?  Do you think I am being selfish? 

i suppose in the eyes of people that want somehting else to happen I could appear selfish in all this.  Selfish?  I have never been accused of that before and I don't know where to put it.

a Bitch?  well yes.  isn't that a given?  i am a Bitch and have been for years.  That I can accept.

this whole thing is eating me up inside.

this is how i am feeling right now.

that is how i feel

these ar my feelings.  I also feel like i am losing me mind

i am a raging alcoholic too.

life is sucking the life out of me.  so far 39 is sucking 

as it heats up

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

Happy Birthday to Charley!!

its going to be a great day.

Touble in Paradise

Teaghans Birthday is upon us

i am purposley un-invited to the B-Day party.

Estrogen.

I have nothing but.  I need progestrone.  Thats why my boobs are constantly tender.  Thats how i can period without ovulating.  I'll be 39 on Friday.  Charley will be 10.  This all started when Charley was 2/3.  Only back then it was the onslaught of testosterone doing other things to me body.........

This is what my recent research has shown me.  i will go to the doctor next week and find out if i'm as smart as i think i am.

CAn it be fixed?  Yes apparently it can, with medication.

 my thyroid could be being an asshole too.  

Too much Estrogen also makes you fat!   Interesting.........

Blog On

still not ovulating

i am sad

New neighbors!!!!!

I might just run out with my camrea right now and take pics of them setting up the house in the dark!

cool!

Another Countdown!

Charley's 10th birthday is this Friday!

holy cow!  i can't believe she's 10.

She is just growing up before myine eyes!  Lately I've been feeling like I've been missing her.  So i have been making a conscience effort to take those extra moments with her.  When I tuck her in a night and tickle her back.  That kind of stuff.

As you have always known, working full time has sucked ass.  I would really wish I could be with her more.   If I could afford it I would be the first one doing it!  I am so so grateful that I only worked part-time till she was 3.  I miss that.  I miss not being able to pick her up from school every day.   Missing assemblys,  fieldtrips, and playdates.  Ideally, right now I'd either like to work Mon-Fri, like i do, but off to pick her up.  Or 3/4 days a week.  That wouls be awesome.  Hopefully.....one day.

But for now I don't so I will work my ass off and pay off debt!  Getting ready for the day that I can!

Blog On dudes!

I simply LOVE getting ID' a week before my 39th Birthday!!!

and I had my girlfriend with me!  so I have witnesses.  It really does happen!

Grrrr

My boobs are still heavy and painful from before my period that started last Friday.  They should have eased.  Theya re not.  I am poufing up with lost hormones.  Its like a period gone bad! Did it happen.  Didn't it?  What The Hell!

I am bitchy.  I am tired.  I ache.  My Boobs - what the Hell are they up to?!!

stick pee and not ovulating.  maybe I just don't.  Maybe thats it.  but a period without ovulation.  What a friggin waste of time!

i am irritated.