I don't know yet. I will have my answer today.
but I have to stay focused. I have to stay focused on my argument. Its so easy to get caught up in everything else. 'well she did that and she did this and she is just a whore' you know. i get messy and that stuff isn't altoghetr relevent.
in my head this is how it might go.......
what brings you here?
my boyfriend has been invited to his daughters birthday party by his Ex-girlfriend
okay
i have not been invited nor has my daughter
and this bothers you why?
becasue I have been excluded and rejected and so has my daughter.
Help me with the next part!!!! What would come next? Questions to him? to me? and what are they?
Help!!
you ask I will answer in the most clinical way we can to keep emotions out. its when the emotions start that it gets all muddled. it has to stay factual
or does it.......
Help Me!
3 comments:
If you are with a professional... then the emotions are what you need to work through.. stop trying to answer how you think others want to hear and speak from your heart. A professional will help you sort through it all.
The most frustrating part is here is how I think it should work:
Mountain says to the mom... I love her would love to be a part of her life let me know when I can see her, Kristi is my partner and will be a part of my life from now until forever so just assume anything I am invited to she will be present at... then he says to the kid... I love you always want to be a part of your life, you are welcome here anytime Kristi is my partner now and we will be together, any invite to me includes her.
Then he leaves it in moms hands... IF she wants the hand off... who cares what her modivations are... you guys can still be a positive place for the girl and be a small part of role models. Just like a teacher. OR an Aunt... pretend she is your neice... you don't get to be the parent.. you follow the parents drum..... but you still put up with them, drama and all. (From what you described one of your brothers boy.... perhaps when he is a bit older you won't be his biggest fan if they continue to give in to his every want) ... but you will still tolerate him. Tolerate this girl.... leave the dealing with the mom to mountain. See her when allowed and be flexible.
Put your foot down with him... the only thing you are asking is (and make sure this is the only thing because you can't be picky as to days, times etc.. although I know it was an issue for you but pick your battles) you need to be included. Where he goes you go when it comes to the mom... if she is there... then you are there. That is your bottom line. I know you've tried this but propose it from Charley's point of view, the role model he is being to her and the message he is giving to her. Then propose it from the perspective of the new baby you have talked about and what kind of dad he would be being to his baby by running off with another family.... then tell him you need that commitment from him before you will bring another child into the mess. You want to bring a child into a family.
I'm happy to sit down with you guys.... I don't really know either of you and can listen to both sides. I know how it must feel for him to not have any real rights over Tea and he is scared he will loose her... my hubby is L's biological dad and that is how he felt when I met him. He jumped through all her hoops.
Tell him to maybe talk to a family court counsellor (without mom knowing) just to ask if he has any chance at rights.... because he was a part of her life for so long... did they live common law?... Just so he has his facts.
I will talk about being a partner from that for sure.
like cops with their partners. you don't go against your partner or you just aren't partners. Somebody ends up a casualty. The partner stuff is valuable. but its him understanding what the term means that we are having a problem with. Or what it all entails. I certainluy doens't mean you Ever Go against your partner!
however, the emotional stuff and the stuff that hasn't happend and speculation of us having babies I have to stay away from. Its not here, its not happening.
I want to try to stay focused on the issue at hand.
Her birthday and being excluded from it and why.
is it Tea's choice to exclude her stepmother and stepsister? and if you (leah) think I don't like your kid but your reason for letting said child come to my house is becasue it means so much to Mntn. Than it stopped being about the welfare of the kid and What parent does that?!!! Besides the part where I can than assume that she must concerned for his heart and if she is Not 'intersted' in my boyfriend then why the Fuck is she intersted or concerned about how his heart is?!!
Yes I need to put my foot down. Thats the part that is going to be hard.
Yes I will deal with whaT comes if he ever sees what I am getting at and finally stands by me. The kid, fine.......yes you are right, scheduels and what-not are my bread and butter but I will swing with it as best I can as I have to choose my battles.
right now my battle is keeping the relationship cause really, everything else about it is great! this is our only issue.
and quite honestly.....my brothers son. My littel nephew. If I don't like the kid he is turning into i honeslty won't have him in my home. I will tolerate him in his home or gramma's but if he's a shit, he Ain't coming to my house!
I should have told Leah about when her kid asked if she could call me Mom. Wonder how'd that go over?
Thanks FoF. theres some good stuff there
So counselling it is
what I need to remember is that a counseller will not "side" They get us to talk about our reelings and why we feel that way. Most of which we have already done. Its kind useless in a way.
however, i think it will benefit to help us get to the source or the disagreement.
Maybe I can understand better why i have a difficult time with my trust issue where this is concerned.
Maybe he will better understand that my feeling rejected is what fuels my anger and resentment. Maybe both of us can redefine what Our partnership means.
Anyone know any Free counsellor/pyscologists in town?
I am looking into where I went before at the Church. However, he has an issue with Church. Even though i know they don't use their religion to influence.
I'd rather go some place whre he isn't already setting up the chip on his shoulder when we drive into the parking lot
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