a year ago pic

Happy Canada Day!!!

HOLIDAYS!!!!!

Well its the first official day of Summer Break!
Charley has already announced that she is bored.
I am officially in Hell till September!!

So today is the last day of the month.
i have not hit my target.
We have inventory tonight. I go in in a few hours. I guess i'll have my decisions come clear soon.

Do i have a plan B?
yup.
I go back to the Restaurant.
But its gonna be nights and i would really like to be working next week. But when your life is just up in the air its hard to know what to do. I don't want to say put me on the schedule and then GM keeps me.
Then once again theres the issue of daycare.
Nights working till 10. What do I do with Charley?
I have a sitter lined up for wed nights and Thursday days. What about the rest of the week?
Steph can only do so much. nights are hard.
well I just have to have faith that God has a plan.
Everything will work out.

so i bring in the fist day of Summer break with a sick in my chest.
i sound horrible.
my chest, lungs Hurt.
My voice is sultry and sexy.
i feel like shit.

Then on top of the rest of everything. I requested my vacation pay I didn't get it. Why? don't much know. What I do know is that i will have checks bouncing come tuesday.
so there better be a plan in there somewhere.

Happy Holidays Everyone!!!
Canada Day tomorrow. Parade time! YaY!!!

blog on dudes!!

A month has passed

so hard to believe

I miss you

There was what I thought was a ..........

....knock at my door.
then the doorbell rang. I quickly checked my just out of the shower look.
mascara slightly smudged, hair hanging, no bra...special in my room look only.... I run down open the door..............

its the Tall Dude!!!!

holy Carp!

I got mosquito bites on my Bum damnit!!!

Lost Tooth

Today was movie day at school.
they went to the theatre.
But Charley was not so interested in the movie.
So she pulled out her tooth instead!
I'm pretty sure it wasn't even loose!
What a nut.
Those are my red lillies that just opened up. I Had to have her standing in front of them. they are jsut gorgeous!

Frippin Frappan Toilet!@!$%!!*@!!!

So i spent my day in the sun.
Fabulous 30 degree weather! I love it.
cut the lawn. Cleaned up slug carcases arranged my hose sprinkler deal in a few different ways as to get full water coverage on my garden.
yah. I still ended up watering by hand.
FFFFF.
Got the Queen to her afternoon bowling party. I of course went shopping. As its one of the last times I'll have a few hours to myself for awhile. Summer break starts in 5 days!
Charlitte 'helped' me wash the car.
i don't see the passengers side when i get in. So if its spotty.........
The whole time waiting for my toilet bowl to dry.
its friggin leaking. Still? Again? I don't friggin know.
i've been spending the last few months witrh a bucket under it and dumping it every morning.
So I dried it. Spread some Caulking over it.....hehe.....i said caulking.
The caulk dried...hehe.
yah the bowl filled up again.........DAMN THING LEAKS WORSE THAN IT DID BEFORE!!! WHAT THE HELL!
so now I have to actually take it apart and get a new seal.
Call my landlords you say......
yah right. They still haven't fixed the fff roof!
A toilet seal I think I can fix myself. Afterall, i did replace the whole sink a few months back.
If a man with half his ass hangin out can fix it. I';m pretty sure I can get the job done if I'm only wearing a bikini and standing in the Home depot with my big Wrench holding a bag of parts that I need!!!
how bad could it be?
HAHAHAHAHA!

Blog On Dudes!!

Congratulations!! Doodle and The Hobbit!

Doodlebug had a baby boy on Tuesday evening.
He was 10lbs 1 oz at birth!

Yes he is totally beautful.
He was also a couple weeks late! His skin was all wrinkled like a little old person.
i love to take all the blankets off and check out the little toes and his hands and feet. He slept thru my check up most comfortably.
Sweet tiny littel ears. Looked like Doodles.
His alien eyes only opened briefly to see me and then he went right back to sleep.
did it make me want one even more? Yuppers!
When my friends have babies, I have this thing where i cry. Only when they are newborn though. No I'm not sure why. Its an involuntary reflex.
She grew a good one. Way to be Doodle!!

Soul searching.

Going on a journey blogger dudes.
I have lots on my mind and lots to figure out.
see you in awhile.

Hope you're there........

Blog On

Dealing With My Life

So I had this breakdown..........
did you tune in for that......

In regards to the man thing
you know. Thats just my life. Just the way it is. I choose healthy men I choose unhealthy men the result seems to be the same.
i laugh; I was talking with Steph earlier. she says, "well you could just get fat. Then lose the wieght after you meet the great man. Of course being that its you he'd probably be a chubby chaser and dump you when you were thin again."
yes. As this is my life. Its funny cause its true. Destined to be alone. Yes I pretty much belive that. Especially since the recent events that have unfolded in the last couple months.
Right now I concentrate on my job situation.
i can't lose this job.
How do I make enough money to raise this girl of mine.
No I don't want to go back to school. I've done that twice now!
there is nothing I've come across that interests me. And who the Hell supports us while I'm doing that!?! Even if I did find 'something'
I'm tired.
I'm tired of carrying the burden alone.
the burden being life alone.
i don't want to sleep alone every night.
i would like to go to amovie with someone when i have a free night and hold hands and kiss and cuddle.
I would like to be taken care of for alittle bit. Have someon to lean on every once in awhile when it gets to be too much. Or jsut cause I can.
That i've been dealing with for awhile. The lonliness. That has to take a back burner right now. I have Stephie to keep me company soemtimes. She is a dear girlfriend along with a few other fabulous women.....Muck, Doodle, Miss. K. ML A couple others i have a little contact with. They are good for me. Not in all the ways, but some of them and thats good. A Big Oh well to the rest for now.

My concentration lies with the Job.
i gotta keep this job.
This job will take a lot of the burden if i can keep it.
i make enough.
It has everything i need....pretty much.
i mean. i don't love it like i did my last one. But I don't hate it.
i can't lose it.
help me not lose this job.

Guys..................i'm scared

Truthfully.......I'm so Fucking Annoyed!!!

I'm annoyed.
I wrote a freakish venty letter to Steph last night thinking that would help. It did at first.....
I'm pissed with Life.
I'm pissed that Gerry only wanted me for sex....so it appears.
I haven't heard from him.
too much of an effort to get me to put out so off he went then.
Does it always have to be about sex.
Can't they just want me for me!
fuck!!!
I finally meet someone that wanted me for me and he dies!
What the Hell!
i mean seriously. Come on. Really. When is it my turn?
Then my job is a whole other trauma.
I'm losing my job.
I sold really good in the beginning of the month.
Now; nothing.
Its hard when theres no customers during the hours i work.
I need 50 new activations by the end of the month. currently I am at 27.
I need 10 data; currently i am at 4.
I'm not throwing the towel in yet, but it looks bleak. I have 10 days. I have a couple days off in there too. guess I don't get those. But what about Charlotte.
I mean I have been scrambling for daycare to cover me for the next couple weeks. For some Fucked up reason they are ending school early for the next week. What The Fuck!
Just when i think I have it all figured out. Nope. I don't.
I thought maybe I had someone I could give a little of the stress of life too. Nope on both counts.
Hoping I can make this job happen. Nope. I suck at it.
what else can I do?
Yah. I don't know. I looked for this job for 6 months.
I feel like I'm drowning. And I can';t see the way out.
My anxiety levels are high. I can't seem to come down.
I super pissed with Larry and Gerry.
So Pissed!!!
Why does my life always 'default' to sucking.
And don't fucking tell me that I have to do this or that or the other thing. Cause you know what......
I would challenge you to suggest soemthing I haven't aleady tried.
Oh yah...and about my period!
what the Fuck! Does it Ever end. Friggin menopause. I've been bleeding 9 days! Just when I think its done. FUCK NO!!!
so I guess no more babies for me.
Its jsut another fairly simple thing I've wanted. Any dream or goal I set......even the simplest ones I can't make happen!
I refuse to dream anymore.
It all turns to shit!
Although I did set out to have Charlotte ang that seems to be going okay. She is my greatest accomplishment. So theres the silver lining.

Yah. Okay. I'm done here.

M&M's When i miss Him??? could be a bad idea

thought of Larry last night.
ate a bag of M&M's.
I'm sure to breed acne and AssFat.
There's gotta be another thing or another way...........

so she Kills me for some of These

Okay we both look bad......
Only one Good one....

so you gotta see the bad cause some of its jsut funny!!
and funny is where its at! i had my hand down her top in this one. Maybe it was my face. hard to know .... Photo wasn't quick enough....
yes i know my skin is blotchy. It happens when i drink. Thats when i know I'm on the edge of sober and not. We had a most wonderful time! I Love Yoooouuu Stepheeeeeee........

Its been 3 weeks
I just miss him.
I just really, really miss him
I find myself asking the question..........why?
Why a lot of things. Not jsut the obvious.

why

now I'm on the rebound......
........just in case you didn't know or hadn't figured it out........

off i go then!

tALL DuDE

On my way home last night from work my phone rings........
"where are you?"
'on the freeway'
"its 9:30. isn't that when you get back into town?"
'yah. but i thought I'd stop at Wal-Mart and pick up a few things before I headed back'
"So what are you doing when you get back"
'opening a bottle of wine and eat some M&M's'
"want some company?"
...........
So he turned up at my door about 10:30.
we chatted and talked till my bottle of wine was empty. A bottle of wine gets me quite smashed. Its not at all like the olden days anymore,
Then we made out till 3 in the morning.
No, there was no sex.
Amazing i know. especially with where my mind is these days. Just kissing. Really good kissing. Curl your toes kissing. i love kissing. Not that he didn't come up with some very good reasons why i should be naked and why i should let him touch me there and how Hot i am.
You know you can never hear that enough. How Hot you are.
so I sent him home. Penis in hand cause i don't put out on the first date. Which actually its kinda the second date cause i played pool with him last week on our first date type experience.
So tonight i see him again for margaritas and Steph time.

I've decided he is a summer fling. I didn't know what to do with him. Now i've got it. Figured it out this morning. The "Tall Dude summer fling".

so being that he is a summer fling.......do i put out on the 3rd date?

yes i have already thought of Larry and what he would say.........
and if you know him you know what he would say too.
Go! do it! Tell me all the details tomorrow!!!
Its just about me and my levels of guilt and emotions. Its been nearly a year. I was thinking i was gonna be wholesome till marriage. Of course I don't think marriage is gonna happen for me so why the heck am i torchering myself?
Holy Carp!!
I'm Like a Virgin!
Where the Hell is Madonna!

Steph Posted~~~~YaY! hooray!!

Bored at Work!

okay.

I am at work. Seriously bored.

My numbers have dropped. This is a bad thing!!!

Acts I need acts!!!!

hmmmmm. Acts......sexual acts.....trapeze acts.....theatre acts.......

Hmmm....penises. How bout them. Hows yours?
Damn wish I had the use of one.
Celibit since August.....Someone remind me again why I have morals........................

I value myself....I'm not a whore......slut.......something....something....something.

Okay really now. I need 3 acts!
3 a day. thats what I need to keep my job.
Customers! Wooohoooo! Come see me. I'm wearing my super boob lifters in my bra.

Okay. I gotta go. the young one is reading over my shoulder.

Send me good vibe customer things.
Let's Make a Deal!!!

did You knoW......

........Larry claims he was addicted to M&M's
so he sent me some.
i did not know this about him. He apparently Loved them.
Its funny. The litte things. Don't you think.
Knowing so much about someone but not knowing other stuff.
And yes. His cabin really was and is a cabin!
logs beams and mud you betcha!!
Very outdoorsy. Very boy like

Tomorrow is Margarita SAturday!!!
What fun! Yes I do believe I will take my camera. good of you to ask.
Charley is off for a weekend of fun with my parentsand my brother for fathers day. I am on to a weekend of fun with Steph, the sun, and a margarita!!
so have a slushy some M&Ms and think of me and Larry!

blog On dudes!

oh yah. My shaw mail account is FFFFing around and won't connect. No time to FFF with it now so if you are sending me mail there..........
i aint gonna get it. Unless I check it from work.

reading

'Mom! I saw it! I saw pictures in my head!!'

Charley on reading a chapter book this morning.............

how sweet.

Love Letter

I recieved my package from Indiana.
There it was. This well traveled box sitting at my front door.
Proof that its been thru customs all over it.
I waited till Charlotte went to bed before I opened it........
There were some personal items. Along with a couple pictures and the most beautiful love letter I've ever recieved.
I opened the box and it smelled like him.
Along with the bad spelling that is so trademark Larry was the outpouring of his love for me. His advice for my life. The things he wants for me. The things he would have done for me. The home he'd hoped to share. he even managed to throw in a little bit of, 'give Kristi shit'........

Must i analyze Everything?

I mean really!!!

if i were a man I'd be walking around with a hard-on..........

What The Hell!!!

Thinking

I should be getting the package meant for me any day now.
i checked my mailbox 5 times yesterday. He was sending an envelope. She was sending a package. Then can the real letting go....the real healing start?
He opened up my heart. Its just sitting here open. He filled it briefly. Too briefly. Now its like I have all these feelings these emotions just sitting on the edge waiting for him.
But he's not going to come for them.
they are left to just sit. What do I do with them?
I can't put them back.
Will they get scooped up by someone else?
He didn't leave me on purpose and thats what makes that part okay. I mean the part where we are not togehter. the part where he left me.
I mean He didn't reject me. He didn't leave me on purpose. He was loving me right till the end. Calling to tell me how much. His words so breathless cause of the pain. Time meaning nothing anymore to a dying man. Hours before his surgery. SAying, "I don't know when I'll talk to you again....."
i could hear his tears rolling down his face.
is that possible to hear tears?
Wanting to hold him while he cried. Wanting to be there to yell at the nurse to adjust his medication. "Wait till after surgery. You can come after surgery. I want you after surgery. Jenny will call you...."

We may have met and had everything blow up in our faces. Its hard to know. For now I hold onto those feelings that he gave me. so precious and real. Maybe there is a 'what if'. Thats the only one.
What if we set ourselves up. What if it was just a formality, the meeting of. I love him. Meeting him wouldn;'t have changed that. What if........

Its such a wierd feeling when someon dies.
We had a 4 days to say goodbye. it wasn't a lot of time. But more time than had he been in an accident. More time than most. So i am grateful for that time. We said everything we needed to say. Everything we wanted to say. Our usual daytime talks becoming more, more frequent. The just wanted to hear you say "Hello" Becoming so much longer. Coming into the nights too. I became accustomed to sleeping with my Cell phone under my pillow that week. For he was up. And I therefore I was too. Time became a number on the wall to him. He had so much to prepare. So many people to say goodbye to. so much on his mind. So many things he wanted to tell me. Tell everyone.
And I listened.
But all at once it was over.

His pain taken. Oh so much pain.
I'm glad it didn't take long. No one should be in that kind of pain.
he was so strong..........

Nothing lingering. No unanswered questions. No what ifs. No maybe if I'd have done this. I have some anger. Anger that we wasted so much time. Me with my baggage. he with his Insecurities.
I miss him. i had hoped to see the farm. Walk in his house. Gaze out into his fields.........
So now I have all these feelings that are there just ready to be given to him. I don't want to give them to someone else.
but what did I learn from larry?
So much! Oh so much.
Don't waste time is one of them.
I over analyze everything, and I have to stop doing that. Cause i am wasting valuable time. time that could be spent enjoying another persons company.

My friend NJ has just lost his mom to one of the evil cancers Larry had. My thoughts are with him and his siblings as they go thru this horribly hard time. The pain hits hard and its all at once. Down into the depths of sadness. After that you just heal. Some faster or slower than others, but always going up. it'll take a long time, but you'll get there and you'll grow from it.
Everything happens for a reason.
take care NJ.

i miss Larry sooooo much and our memories are so brief in comparison to your lifetime. I can only imagine your loss.

Blog On dude.............

2 Old Friends and a Blender!

So it was a plan that came together.
Margarita's on Saturday!!
What a great plan.
heck I need a blender. What a better reason to get one!
This was the weekend that Larry and I were tossing around as the weekend we would get togehter for the first time. Depending of course of the Corn.

Friggin corn!

So what a better plan than to have Muck come and enjoy blender drinks!!
She brought her oldest daughter with her. Charley was so thrilled.
So Muck and I blended and drank Blackberry Margs.

The girls did their thing. WE watched Ghostbusters!
I talked her ear off about Larry. Missing him more and more by the minute. Friggin Guy! Soon we were out of ice.
No worries. I have all those bottles of wine in my basement!!
So we thought we'd drink that till the ice iced itself again.
We weren't getting much peace from the girls for our chatting and catch up.
so i said...........LETS GO!!!!
Called a cab and we FFFed off.
Ended up in a the only bar in town.
We jsut had the best time.
We danced. We played pool. I made this really awesome shot! i was so pleased especially since I couldn't see straight to save my life!
I don't even know how we ended up talking to Jerry.
i am really not sure how that came about at all.
He was 6'5. Who the hell is 6'5! He was my pool partner.
I kept looking at him the whole time thinking hmmmm......Larry was 6'2.
i was missing Larry so much by this time.
I'm so pissed off that he died. Some of his words to me those last days were to love and let myself be loved. What The Hell! I told him I already did. I found him. it took me a long time to find him. We both cried........its funny how when you know you are dying or when you know the person is dying how everything they say becomes so important. You hang on every syllable cause it could be their last.
The whole time I'm talkign to Jerry I kept wondering if Larry would approve of this man. He was really quite sweet and gentlemanly. I've seen him around throughout the years.
The end of the night came.
Here, 1AM is the end of the night.
so we called our cabbie. Yes we had our very own private cabbie. And all piled in.
no i don't think I invited him.
Although I was trashed so i suppose its possible. Jerry came with us. WAnted to make sure I was okay.
I remember laying my head in Mucks lap and closing my eyes.
i remember hearing Muck explaining to jerry that him coming in was not a good idea. She would take care of me.
i remember getting to my front door and not being able to get in cause the chain was on it.
Then I remember opening my eyes. My digital clock in my face telling me it was 8:18AM.
My contacts are still in. Carp!!
i look down. i'm still fully dressed. I quickly reach behind me and feel the bed.
i'm alone.
What the Hell happened?
I leap out of bed. Cause i have to leave in an hour for work. Where is everyone?
Charley is asleep on the couch. Muck is in her bed. Al is on the floor. No Jerry.
I come to learn that Muck Got Jerry back in the cab. Came up. I was already passed out. She removed my shoes for me and went to bed.
I spent the day feeling like Holy Carp! Still trying to remember the end............But it was so much fun!!!
Jerry phoned my cell about 3.

I miss Larry

So i woke up in myclothes.................

I feel a post coming on.

Ready Muck!!!!

Roofer Guy

So the roofer guy shows up.......
his eye.
WEll it was just this fleshy kinda, under the eyelid, type, thing.
How do you stop from staring at it?
i don't think it was in there.
How do I not be rude and squelch my natural instinct to say, "Hey. Whats up with your eye?"
What about a patch?
Is he a pirate?
Does it hurt?
And how did it get like that when he's a roofer?
These are all things I'd like to know.
He did have good hair though. Alwasy important!

Things i have Learned.....things i Have RE~Learned....

Wow!
Things i have learned over the last few weeks.
I am UNBELIEVABLY insecure.
No, No. Not just a little. TONS!!!!
Strong. I can handle more emotional carp than the Average peson.
I keep losing sight of my strenght. That pisses me off.
I am Needy. Wow. I have surprised myself at how needy i can be. So sorry Friends.
this leads into how draining I can be. So sorry for that too.
Exhausting really. I know I exhaust myself.
I have low Self -Esteem.
I am a good friend.
I can be really, really nice.
I am diplomatic.
My love is as big as the ocean. Its forever.
When i Give I give it all!
I don't need to sell my ass to have love.
Sometimes i nearly hate myself.
I can be loved for my faults.
i don't have to be perfect.
I have a fear of acceptance.
I think I'm sometimes socially handicapped, yet I have lots of people that like me. Come to visit me in my store. So it can't be that bad.
EVERYONE HAS SHIT IN THEIR LIVES NOT JUST ME!!
I am narcisstic.
I can be very shallow when i'm protecting myself.
I think I'm funny.
Lately I can be morbidly funny!
I have a Wacky sense of Humour.
I absolutly Love to Laugh!
I dont' like my job that much.
My parents don't know me and I don't think I know them.
I can be happy if all the ducks or the stars or my shit is in alignment.
I can surprise myself and jsut be happy!!!
Life can end at any time! Always make sure you have clean underwear on.
I don't want to fall in love again cause what will happen to the next one??
i'm worried that i will live my years alone because of it.
I AM OVER MIKE!!! he sickens me.
I'm excited that I'm not broken and that i can love another man!
I love Larry and I'm glad that i had him in my life.
He makes me happier than i could have ever known by loving me
I'm glad i was able to see all the good he did and see the reasons why.......
i love my garden.
Charley makes me laugh. I enjoy her and being a mom.
I am in love with her.
I'd like another baby.
I am understanding of human nature.
I see things others don't.
Family is more important than anything. Extended family included.
I've made lots of mistakes that i can never take back.
I find it hard to hope for the best but i still try.
I've done things I'm not proud of.
I am a bitch.
I smile as much as i can.
i talk with my hands a lot.
I DO CRY.
my tearducts aren't grown over like I'd thought.
i don't mind reading.
My mind is always working. My thoughts are NEVER quiet.
i seek Answers. Validation. Reassurance. Acceptance.
i do believe in God.
I'm sensitive.
I am an amazing Person!
I have Trust issues. I either trust too easily/much or not at all.
I know there's a plan.
I dream.

I shouldn't Eat a Burrito before Bed..............

Blog on Dudes!

Fears

Each of has fears.
We have things that we are scared of about ourselves, about others, or about the world around us. We realize these are just fears though. They are mostly in our heads with very little grounding in reality.
Just fears. All part of life and a normal part of being human.
Perspective.
What happens when the perspective. The fears are your reality.
What happens when you suddenly realize they are not just fears. They really are there. They really are happening.
What then............

Going Away

WEll Blogger Dudes..................... it looks as though I need to take a break for awhile.
So much has happened.
Too many people.............
i know whats in my heart.
My memories and thoughts are getting tarnished and I really don't want that.
i want happy, warm, fuzzy thoughts.
The ones that I hold my head high for.
The ones that were there a week ago.

Thank you Andi for your continued validation of his feelings.
Thank you Jenny for your awesome reassurance.
Steph for listening.
All the other friendly, supportive mails I've recieved.
But i need to step away, step back for awhile.
Away from my computer.
Its gotten to be too much and my insecurities run deep.
i won't allow them to run deeper.
I need to get my closure now.
See y'all later!

Blog on Dudes!

icky

Oh I just feel so greasy!
Friggin hormones. I can't stand it!
I shower. I shower again. I'm so greasy!!!
my hair. My skin.. My face.

must ingest more water

Carp! Make it stop!

Remembering Blogville

The Queen's piano...

So she was of course amazing!
Like there was ever any doubt!

Things were obviusly strained with my parents.
But life is jsut too short for the anxiety between us. Can it be fixed???
yah probably. I have tried.
But i jsut can't put myself out there again. I keep hitting a wall. So I have to wait till they reach for me. Then the mending can begin. Until then they won't hear me if they are not ready.
So we go through the motions.....like strangers that are brought togehter by DNA.
But the last 2 weeks have taught me that life is far too short. I don't want to spend it arguing or having anxiety attacks. If civil strangers is how it ends.....than thats better than what its been.
in the end family is family.
I'm jsut waiting for my parents to hold that philosophy too.
I've also really owned the fact that i am not an object to be owned and controlled. That i am me. That I can be loved and accepted for me. i don't have to change or pretend or use props to get love.
These are treasures that I want to teach Charley.
Even though she was irritating the crap out of me today!
Only partly her fault.
PMS, being tired, and the other stuff that is on my mind.
The other part.....well her! she was bouncing off every wall. And if there wasn't a wall she bounced of random air particles I'm sure.
So wound up by her performance.
Wound from being up so super early.
She was so good!
She was told she should have competed she was so good!
i was so pleased.
She had so worked hard.

Blog On Dudes!!

CoW!!

"I'm gonna send you a cow!"
'what?'
"A cow. I'm gonna send you one"
'ummm. Thats a nice gesture.....but my yard is not that big'
"NO! Beef! I'm gonna send you beef"
'Oh! a Cow thats already dead!'
"yah. You can do that you know. they ice it all up and get it there that day and.................I'll have to see about finding a farm up there in Canada and getting him to deliver.........how big is your freezer?"

Gotta Eat that Beef!!

funny thing. He confided in me that he actually liked Pork better! hahahahahaha!!
What a guy!

OOOGLENOTH!!!!!

its a great day.
This morning The Queen has a piano recital.
She goes for a sleepover for this evening.
I will sit and Remember happily.
He is out of pain and he is not tired anymore. He can rest and enjoy watching over his family and his farm. He didn't pass from this world alone or unloved.
He gave each of us such unique and special gifts as he played the different roles in our lives
From that I intend to grow and take what he's given with me thru the rest of my life.
he has given myself what I need to hold my head up.
i'd love to hear about all his gifts!
I'm sure J would too!
I was Loved by Larry and that is his greatest gift that I could have recieved.
he really truly did! And i reciprocated that Love 3 fold!

so OOOGLENOTH to you all!
i will post pics of the Queen at her recital later on this evening. You know she just amazes me each and every day!
My parents are coming to this.
i hope its anice time and not full of anxiety.
Carp!
well I'm jut not going to think about it.

BLOG ON DUDES!!!!

Forgot!

Charley's school had a year end BBQ tonight.
larry loved BBQ. Told me he loved to cook out every night!
Although his ignitor wasn't working Again.

There was a petting zoo at the school deal. There were sheep.
Larry had sheep on his farm.
"I love how a flock of sheep look in the field. i shear em' Don't make money off em' i just like how they look"
I think I can honestly say.............that comment was the moment i fell in love with him. Now I know it sounds wierd.
But it was like......*Bing*
'so how many do you have then?'
...........
He told me. I can't remember. I can't remember what he said!!!
I remember talking about the coyotes and how he just shoots em'
"Just shoot em'!!!"
But damn! I can't remember what he told me. How many sheep he has. I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT HE SAID!!!!
I CAN'T REMEMBER!!!
SHIT AND FUCK!
What if i forget other things too?
Other stuff that he told me.
The sound of his voice!
Carp! What if I forget the sound of his voice!! i can't. I just can't. His voice........i am so scared!

i miss him sooo much!
I can't stand this.
I forgot something. I don't want to forget anything else.

he was so wise. he was wise to not let me come. Cause i would have clung to those memories. he told me I would. Of course at the time all i was thinking about was being there, not sleeping, and holding his hand thru everything.
But he was right. Those would be my memories now.
I'm glad I have the ones I do.
Although it seems I've drawn a blank..........

for something as trivial as how big his flock was.

Friggin tears!! They are pissing me off! do they Ever stop!
What The hell!!

now you know larry would be pleased right about now that he'd managed to get me riled up again about soemthing.

God did have a plan.

This I already know. I just hope there wans't a secondary one.

That this is it.

This is what I believe the reason behind all this was for........

God knew awhile ago he intended to take larry from us. That cancer had been in his body awhile. It doens't jsut arrive like that. It is evil and it creeps up on you. It sneaks in and trys to get in unnanounced so it can take you away.

God brought Larry to me and i to him.

God knows my love and how strong it is. God knows i can handle this pain. I am a very strong woman.

Strong enough to hold up Larry during this time.

God was not about to allow him to pass thru this life without that love.

Larry needed my love to go with him. He needed it jsut as much as I did.

So you see. We were brought toghether for the same reason. We needed to love one another. I needed to learn that I could be loved for me and not what I look like.

He needed the same exact thing.

God would not let him pass unloved into his arms. So you see I know he made his peace with God. CAuse God answered our prayers.

Larry gave me so many gifts.

One of them my renewed belief in God. I've been estranged for awhile......we shall see where this life takes me

White Stuff

So Charlitte was with a new sitter last night.
My parents and i are not speaking. Life is just to short for the kind of anxiety they give me. I want to WANT to see them. As you know its jsut been so strained over the last 6 months............

Anyhow, back to The Queen.
She was at my neighbors last night.
She phoned me. She was bored. Theres nothing to do. so I'm going about suggesting colouring or maybe reading. Is there a game she could play. Possible homework......
No, nope, naw.
"oh I know!! i could work on breaking my world record of stepping on all things that are white!"
Yup. You sure could!

Blog On Dudes!

attacked!

WEll it happened.
Attacked again.
I do understand.......a little.......As my relationship with Larry was not well known. So I do know how I must appear.
However, if you read back.....thru mine thru his.....there are little hints all the way thru both our Blogs.

As we got to know each other and 'got over ourselves'
All these huge fears and the stigma that surrounds an internet romance.

I Will say here what I said in an e-mail a few hours ago..........

"I don't need to defend myself.
i don't need Jenny to defend me either.
i know my place with him and I am secure with that."

However........out of respect for my own feelings and my new friend Jenny I will cease from writing about Larry here.

I was very hurt. You won. You hurt me. I am jsut not going there with petty catty woman carp!
i have better things to do. Other stuff to deal with right now.

eventhough.........for a moment......well for a few hours today I got very caught up in it. Sorry J.
It's just not worth it. My energies are needed elsewhere.
I will keep it to personal e-mails when I need to vent.
Bad enough that the last week has been such a complete blur. All i did was concentrate on our conversations. Knowing they'd be our last, but not wanting to say it out loud for fear of making it real.
The last few days aren't even a memory. Just meshed togehter. I don't remember who I've talked to about what, when, or why during my sadness. the tears.............
like a 3 day blackout!!!

Anyhow Thank you..........

Blog On dudes!!!

Friggin Corn

In true farmer fashion he was so worried about his crops.

That Damn Corn!

i cursed that friggin corn!
He worked hard in his fields getting them ready for planting. he lost that one last guy and had to work twice as hard to get it done. Riding the tractor.......
we joked.....well I joked........i think he was serious though......about when i come and he would get me on a tractor to plow those fields. Sow the crops. Plant the FFFF-corn!
There was some talk about bib overalls and topless and........
yah. Plow the fields I'm sure!
He couldn't wait to toake me for a walk in the corn fields once they were grown.
Mostly I think cause I cursed that DAmn Corn so much.
Why did I?
Well he was working so hard and he wasn't feeling well and I knew he needed the rest. Then last week after he, we got the news. he's still worrying about that Fucking Corn!
I can hear his voice....."sweet Kristi. Now I know you said Fuck the corn....." that beautiful drawl of his. I could have listned to him for hours. And i did.
he made me laugh in every conversation.