Thinking

I should be getting the package meant for me any day now.
i checked my mailbox 5 times yesterday. He was sending an envelope. She was sending a package. Then can the real letting go....the real healing start?
He opened up my heart. Its just sitting here open. He filled it briefly. Too briefly. Now its like I have all these feelings these emotions just sitting on the edge waiting for him.
But he's not going to come for them.
they are left to just sit. What do I do with them?
I can't put them back.
Will they get scooped up by someone else?
He didn't leave me on purpose and thats what makes that part okay. I mean the part where we are not togehter. the part where he left me.
I mean He didn't reject me. He didn't leave me on purpose. He was loving me right till the end. Calling to tell me how much. His words so breathless cause of the pain. Time meaning nothing anymore to a dying man. Hours before his surgery. SAying, "I don't know when I'll talk to you again....."
i could hear his tears rolling down his face.
is that possible to hear tears?
Wanting to hold him while he cried. Wanting to be there to yell at the nurse to adjust his medication. "Wait till after surgery. You can come after surgery. I want you after surgery. Jenny will call you...."

We may have met and had everything blow up in our faces. Its hard to know. For now I hold onto those feelings that he gave me. so precious and real. Maybe there is a 'what if'. Thats the only one.
What if we set ourselves up. What if it was just a formality, the meeting of. I love him. Meeting him wouldn;'t have changed that. What if........

Its such a wierd feeling when someon dies.
We had a 4 days to say goodbye. it wasn't a lot of time. But more time than had he been in an accident. More time than most. So i am grateful for that time. We said everything we needed to say. Everything we wanted to say. Our usual daytime talks becoming more, more frequent. The just wanted to hear you say "Hello" Becoming so much longer. Coming into the nights too. I became accustomed to sleeping with my Cell phone under my pillow that week. For he was up. And I therefore I was too. Time became a number on the wall to him. He had so much to prepare. So many people to say goodbye to. so much on his mind. So many things he wanted to tell me. Tell everyone.
And I listened.
But all at once it was over.

His pain taken. Oh so much pain.
I'm glad it didn't take long. No one should be in that kind of pain.
he was so strong..........

Nothing lingering. No unanswered questions. No what ifs. No maybe if I'd have done this. I have some anger. Anger that we wasted so much time. Me with my baggage. he with his Insecurities.
I miss him. i had hoped to see the farm. Walk in his house. Gaze out into his fields.........
So now I have all these feelings that are there just ready to be given to him. I don't want to give them to someone else.
but what did I learn from larry?
So much! Oh so much.
Don't waste time is one of them.
I over analyze everything, and I have to stop doing that. Cause i am wasting valuable time. time that could be spent enjoying another persons company.

My friend NJ has just lost his mom to one of the evil cancers Larry had. My thoughts are with him and his siblings as they go thru this horribly hard time. The pain hits hard and its all at once. Down into the depths of sadness. After that you just heal. Some faster or slower than others, but always going up. it'll take a long time, but you'll get there and you'll grow from it.
Everything happens for a reason.
take care NJ.

i miss Larry sooooo much and our memories are so brief in comparison to your lifetime. I can only imagine your loss.

Blog On dude.............