Off he goes for his Shop -

blog on

Pyrex is My Enemy - Supper exploded AGAIN!!!!

its hard to see the glass all over the floor, but it was there.  Shot into my foot.    dAmn it!  that was a delicious chicken with fresh tomatos and cheddar.  Ymmmm!  it was hard not to take the chance and eat it anyhow - we ordered pizza - it wasn't the same

Weddings are Fun

ran into - The Queen's, birth fathers ex-childhood/girlfriend/sweetheart.

follow?

sketchy

it was good.  She was upfront and dove right in.  asked about the Queen and her ex-boyfriend Charley's birthfather - role.

life is a Funky  ride isn't it?

the word is a small place

Blog On!

Mine - No MINE!

and so it begins.  Boss man claiming that the plant I just took home to repot as his.  Nope.  Sorry.  its mine.  Him wanting me to bring it back.  Sorry.  Got my reciept.

all started cuz Queen and I went in.  A plant I just nursed back to health that looked gorgeous - nearly dead! I can't believe it!  I've only been gone 2 weeks!  other plants of mine turning yellow.  What the F are you guys not doing to them?!!  window ledges filthy.  bits of food....ugh

whatever, i have my reciepts.  I'll take what i want of mine when the time comes.

Insulted is how I feel  

Vacation Time is Here!

Yippee!

Mountains Vaca time starts today at exactly 3:30!  in the three years we've been togethr this is the first time we've had vaca time togethr!  its very exciting.  We will probably be sick of each other at the end of the 2 weeks.  But thats ok.  We'll get over it.

went to my doc yesterday and he says my hips are FINALLY stabilizing.  i am not out of the woods yet and I am not to be to cocky about it.  I checked with him again about us going away.  He said - GO!!!  you need this.  You will be uncomfortable, but you need to go for your own sanity!  Just keep stretching and doing physio, get the foamy you will be fine.   Get away.  Get away from this accident and enjoy much needed family time.  Sometimes thats the best medicine of all!

so I have lots of errands to complete today. Its a cooler day so i hope to get errands done and get baking happening.  treats for the trip! if not, its not the end of the world.  Wedding tomorrow.  Hope i fit into the dress I have picked out of my closet.  I can't afford to buy anything new so this dress better do it or I will be going in my  bathing suit!  I'm just excited to be able to get dressed up and do my hair and all that fun stuff.   Its even a reason to wear fake eyelashes!  LOVE IT!!!

Here's a thought - i wonder how I will do in heels?  Hmmm.  I'll be sitting all night anyhow.  I'll have to make sure I walk in arm and arm with Mountain.  He can hold me up and no one will know.

Off I go then!

Blog ON!  

Sauna Pants are Amazing in this Lovely Lovely Heat!

core work

30+ weather

and sauna pants make me a sweaty happy  core tightening girl!

Off I go to do crunches on my Noodle!

I Love how Deep My Silver Lining is!!!!

Self Check-out lanes at WAl-Mart are gone?

how out of the loop am I?!!

Sleeping in the Playhouse Will Fix Everything!

My FAvorite girl asked me to have a sleepover with her in her house.

sore, depressed and beaten down emotionally i looked at her little face.  I felt my mood change.  That's exactly what I need!

So out we went.  she had it all set-up.  Quite comfy actually.  Pillows everywhere.  All the extra blankets were laid out on the floor so it acted like a cushion.  So cozy!  If my back and spine weren't so sore to start with it would have been a pretty almost decent sleep.

We chatted about stuff.  and to my amazement I felt myself drifting off rather quickly.

I guess I was just exhausted from the HUGE adrenalin of the day.

I woke several times in the night.  Boy my back friggin hurts!  Maybe I should go in?  Nope.  My girl asked me to sleep out here with her!  I will do just that!  im not gonna let some accident ruin this special time.  I mean - how often do you get asked on a date like this and she is growing so fast - it may be the last time!  I'm staying and I am just gonna find a Way to deal with the pain!!

Charley and I haven't been or done any of the things we would normally have done this summer.

I keep saying 'no'  scared of the pain or the repercussions -

so I stayed.  I kept thinking I would hear Mountain get up and go to work and then i would go in and have coffee with him.  I thought maybe he would come out.

I watched the sun stream through the windows and I watched as it moved as the morning went on.  I would fall back to sleep and wake again the sun couldn't reach the window anymore.  I better get up and see what time it is.  Surely Mountain must be up.  He has been staying more and more.  Getting used to being here on more of a full-time basis. (but thats another post)

Yup!  up and gone!  Coffee in the pot.  Bed made.  Its 8:30AM!  Holy Carp!

Auggy greeting me.  So happy I am here!  I took him out to the house to wake sleeping beauty.

so although i sit here typing and my spine is stupid painful - it was good.  I needed that.  I had funny, funny dreams.  I was in England last night meeting Mntns Sister, my Nana was alive and there......Elaine from  Seinfeld.....yah funny dreams.

As I lay there in the wakeful moments of the middle of the night and morning.

  I will have to suck it up and swallow my pride as I did 11 years ago when I was pregnant with Charley.  I will use my mortgage insurance.  That's what its there for too!  We will go to Barkerville and I will make it happen!  not ridiculous plans.   

Like i said before, its not a cruise or a trip to Disneyland - its a family road trip.  Not PILES of dollars -  just a hill.  Just gas money and camp-site money, not the end of the world!  and Mountain is footing half!

I spoke to ICBC  They won't let me fall to the wolves.  i will get the foamy my Dr suggested for the camping trip.  I'm gonna need it.   That was a good thing to learn now before the trip.   I will get back on the phone today and see if I can save 10 dollars on my shaw - phone/internet/cable package.   Perhaps cancel something???

Already cut off my cell phone last month

i will do my best to keep things going cut corners, but not so many that we are miserable.  Mountain and The Queen don't deserve to be miserable too.  Not taht I do either, but there are some  things I get to do alone and misery is one of them.  I won't bring them down anymore than I already have becasue of it!

and lots of Self - talk

lots of uplifting words from myself, friends.  

positive.  

it could be worse.  It really could be much, much worse.

It will be ok.  It will be ok.  It will be ok

its just - I run a household.  On my own.  Mortgage, house insurance, life insurance ect.  Lots of things I CAN'T cut back - to suddenly have 1/4 of my income - 

Okay.  Enough of that! Woa.  almost went to the bad place again!  

Blog On!

am i gonna need to go on welfare?

i'm am freaking out!  not at all well.  Sick, to my stomach.  Guilt!  Guilt!  Guilt!

I am pissed off and I am so hoping this all comes out in the wash!

DAMN IT!  I NEED TO BE WORKING!

STUPID ACCIDENT.  STUPID. STUPID. STUPID

it'll be ok.  it'll be ok.  it'll be ok.  

positive self talk will make it better?

the Shop

guess the call came.

not sure when, but I heard about it last night.

has he seen that child this summer?

NOPE

but he's heard from Leah, when she has wanted somehting.  There was the incident a few weeks ago.  There was the wierd babysitting call early July late June??  I don't document like I used to so now all i have are angry memories without the dates I so need.  anyhow, Shopping time is here and she called.  he of course Jumps.  I've said put on the brakes.  Please don't buy ALL her clothes.  Please jsut do the shop just with the kid.

there was no more discussion.

I would like to see him just hand her some cash or a gift card and be done with it.  Tea can do a fashion show for him after.  The same as what Charley does.  Or maybe, get her school supplies list and go do that with her and treat her to a nice lunch after.

but I bet I know how Leah expects this to pan out.

They all shop together.  All day. like a cute little family He spends piles of money and she spends nothing.

What am i going to do about it?  Besides act like a 12 year old cuz that seems to be the only thing that works.........not sure.  Refuse to ride in his car again because she has tainted it for me?  call social services on her?  Tell him he can't come over for awhile?  Just not sure.

Hopefully I won't have to think of antyhing that I feel i have to do.  Hopefully he see's how she uses him.  she is creating a monster in her daughter.  If he doens't put the brakes on now......well its almost too late.  Tea already treats him that way.  UGH!  its jsut a living nightmare for me!

blog On

You gotta love how inadequate my parents manage to make me feel.

mmmhmmmm.  Uh huh.  Frig!  I need to just keep my mouth shut and then i don't get the responses I hate to hear so much

holiday?

our First family holiday together - We are going!

I won't allow this stupid accident or the fact that Uncle Visa has to pay for the whole thing.  We will have a fantastic time and make grand memories for us all!  I will pack a foamy to put on top of the air mattress just like the doctor said!  I will stretch and exercise and be uncomfortable, but we deserve this FAmily vacation.  We have been looking forward to it all year!  I won't let them down.  If I have to sleep in the car - I won't let them down!

Blog On!

HAHAHAHA!!

as it turns out - i am dumb

pay-day was last week!  I am confused cause of time off and I didn't pick up my cheque and.......

so anyhow, i will wait till next week for my last cheque and hopefully my ROE papers.

Although, while I was there i heard a rumour about myself.

Did you know i am resigning?

I didn't either.

Neat!

ROE

so today is pay day at work.

i head in after physio to pick up the last cheque I'll be getting for awhile from that place.  Leaves me feeling a bit sick to my stomach.  He is to have my ROE papers ready stating that I am off due to medical reasons.  Why do I have this sinking feeling that it won't be done??

My birthday is coming in less than 3 months

I'm already getting depressed

DAting?

my 10 year old has asked me how old she needs to be till she can date?

WHAT!

What a Diet

Being on sick leave now means,  i  don't have any snacky type foods in my house.  Well I have some but we are now rationing them, cuz really.......i don't know When I will have extra money again.

 I am doing my physio exercises once in the AM and once before bed.  My Tummy is going to be so toned!  Holy CArp!

Although a freakin' scary Painful diet that I wouldn't recommend for anybody, I bet i look amazing in 6 weeks!

I am looking up Medical EI and it is pissing me off

told work yesterday that I was going to need to take some serious time off.  I feel awful about it.

but i am NO good to anyone like this.

i hurt all the time.  That relapse of last week really scared me.  Stepping, and without any warning, my leg just not being there!

I onloy worked thursday and friday of this past and I left on Friday in pain.

After doing so well and really believing I was gonna be able to do a ful shift by the end of the month and then BAM! no reason.  no warning.

I feel bad to let my co-workers down.  

I feel awful that this might just mean my job........

but I HAVE to heal.

Muscles, torn, stretched, ripped - take longer to heal than bones - but you get more understanding and recognition of injury with a cast.

so tomorrow i go in and then after work I will go see my doctor and see what and how long he says.

Therapist said 7 to 10 days minimum. and Thats just to rest it so the swelling goes down and the pain subsides a bit.

I LOVE my job.  I hate this.

everything happens for a reason. 

1 door closes another 1 opens

Blog On

RCMP Respond

They went.

I got an email

i called.

immense sobbing.  He is ok. and he is not.  he assured me he will not hurt himself.

i am glad I called the cops

How do I Reach Back?

Hi Kristi,

Here's my email address if you wanted to add it to your contacts.- tonyf70xxxxxxt or anthony_afxxxxxx.  

To tell you the truth Kristi, I am extremely depressed. I miss Lucy more than I ever thought I would. I want to be with her so very bad. I feel her spirit in me and that brings me comfort. I sometimes talk to her at her memorial at the cemetery and at home.

I cannot return to the beach where I scattered her ashes. There were even little fragments of bones in the ashes, my Lucy bones. It's so very painful to think of that.

I'm not happy here on earth anymore, I have no desire to be here and absolutely no will to live. I don't go anywhere and I can't get out of bed. I have no one. I'm ready to go whenever God is ready to take me home. I think I'll be with Jesus & Lucy sooner than I think.

I wonder why God didn't take me when Lucy died. I wanted to go with her then. Oh well, it's gunna be very soon now, I can feel it, I can't wait to be there with my Love, Lucy.

You'll read all the details of whats been happening here in the letter I sent to you. Should be there by Tuesday. I'm glad to hear you are still with Lyle and that Charlotte is growing up so well & healthy.

Don't worry about me, I still have my precious little kitty-Lu and my Mom calls sometimes. And I'll be in a better place soon enough, I'm sure.

Take care, you've always been a great friend, a little harsh at times, but it's been great knowing you.

 

Bye for now,

Tony.

I received this last night.  I haven't heard from Super Tony in awhile.

He lost his wife last summer to Cancer.  She's had it since they were married and they'd been married at least 7 years.  It wasn't a surprise that she died.  But it was to him.  

She'd started 4 or so years ago with a tumour in her uterus as big as a football.  she had everything removed.  Uterus ovaries total and complete hysterectomy.  It was very sad.  She was only 21.  She went through extensive treatments.  Then they found more cancer - it never stopped.  The cancer wanted her.  In the end she was riddled with it in every part of her body.  Bones, brain, skin, she was never going to make it.

 They'd gone through that thing that I can't remember the name of now, that families go through to prepare you for the inevitable.  

They and he had been through lots of death counseling before the day came and after.  yet he was completely surprised the day she died.  Utter shock!

The letters I had gotten from him a few weeks before had been about how how she was getting better.  Even though the doctors had told them both that she was gonna die and would maybe not make it through the month.  He's even mailed me from the place that i can't remember the name of, that families stay.  its like the final stop.  When you hear the name you'll know what I'm talking about and everyone knows thats it.  Its just time to wait for the end.  

But not Tony.  I've never experienced such complete denial before.  Compete ignoring of the obvious.  I felt bad for him and annoyed at the same time.  I wanted to help him through her departure, but he was never letting her depart.  Now I get this coded letter.  Do i contact the police and put him on suicide watch?  He is on the Island.  

There is a point where positive thinking is great, but sometimes,  no matter how positive you are, reality - i don't know.

What would you do if you got this letter? 

Time for a Bra

July 26th 2009

After being at the waterslides the day before I realized it was time to do the shop.

not that she is bouncing or huge or really even all that noticeable.  Just the roundness in that area that makes you look and think - is that?  is she?  But in a wet tank top -

Mountain and i couldn't say anything as she ran up to us, wet, after being in a pool close to where we were sitting.

she ran away and I blankly look at him.  Did he notice? "i think she needs a new tank top for her bathing suit"

"oh yah!"  he says. WE stare at each other not knowing what to say.  Just a blank look on both our faces.  

So the next day off we went for the mother daughter bra shop.  We went to my favorite store, Wal-Mart.  We went in and went to the kids section where the socks and underwear are.  I was talking to her and asking colors, holding them up.  "MOM!!!!"  I soon realized it had become that kind of moment.  I had forgotten.  The embarrassment.  So I held it up again really close to her.  She turned and pretended not to know me looking at the T-Shirts on the next rack.

Ahhh.  Well that was fun for a brief moment.  Then I decided not to embarrass her further.  People would walk by doing their own shop and i would play along with her and turn to look at the T-Shirts in the next rack too.  Finally we'd selected a few different sizes and styles to try on.

In to the change room I hobbled with my 10 year old daughter desperately trying to hide her selection as we walked.  I could see her scanning around, trying to get to the change room as quick as she could.  What if Someone from School saw Her?!!

In we went.  She was eager to try on her first bra.  hiding herself from me as she changed.  (odd i thought)  With each bra I asked her to put her hands in the air and bend over.  Checking material and straps.  How far do they ride up? do they ride up?  how are the seams - bulky?  smooth?  

We settled on 2 "Smart" sports bras in white size small.  They are more like really short tight tank tops.  

"mom, we HAVE to go through the self check-out!"

I grin to myself.  "of course Charlotte"

Our girl is Growing up

My Job

SAw my doctor again today.

i'd only just seen him last thursday, the relapse.

the thing that sucks about the relapse, besides the immense pain, was that it had only been 2 days before that I had told a co-worker I thought I might be able to return to my full shift by Friday!

than of course Friday came and i couldn't even take tables.  Stood in the bar blinded and dizzy with pain.  Fell down in the kitchen trying to get up the back stairs.  Pulled my arm muscle on the way down as I tried to stop myself by grabbing onto the door handle.  Mitch just looking at me.  Not even for a moment stopping to ask if he can help.  Even one of the kitchen staff coming up to ask if I need help as I sat there on the stair in tears from the pain instantly turning into embarrassment.

I wnet in on Saturday,  Mountain by my side to tell him I wouldn't be in till Thursday.  Doctors orders.  The clinic doctor that is.

So now today I saw my doctor yet again.  He is concerned.  The lumps have gone down, but they are still there.  What do I want to do?  He will support me medically no problem, I am clearly not healing in a timely manner.  Torn muscles take longer to heal than broken bones.  but He can't support me financially.  Medical leave is not going to give me much.  Mountain has said he will support us.  Do I care if I lose my job anymore?  No.  Not so much.  I don't want to work for someone so unsympathetic.  Do I whine too much?  Thats possible.  He doesn't seem to take my injuries seriously.......

do I want Mountain to take on this responsibility?  I don't know.  Losing my Independence?  do I want to wimp out, give in and show weakness?  no.  Not to anybody.  Do I want to be ok?  YES!  I wanted to, was looking forward to Barkerville.  Doc says go.  DAd says I'm a fool if i do.  I don't know.  I don't want to screw up my claim anymore than i already have.   But I don't want my family to suffer through summer and the things we haven't been able to do or won't be able to do......

so Doc says try work again.  Keep taking it easy.  And if it happens again (the relapse)I'm off.  3 time down, I'm down.  He says i didn't do anything.  These things happen.  Relapses happen.  Was it trying to swim in the pool?  WAs it being intimate?  was it walking in my yard?  don't know.  Coulda been as simple as jamming on the brakes in my car when I was driving to work.

I am confused and lost.  I don't even know what the question was anymore

Gearing up For Battle

I am getting ready for the School Shop Battle.

the One with Mountain and his cute little shop with his other family.

there was an incident this weekend and I am still boiling beneath the surface.  and Now all I can think about...............

August

I needed fish food.

No don't go to Wal-Mart.  I can't walk from the car inside.  My hip is Killing me! I know, there is a littel place just around the corner.  I don't have to walk hardly at all.  Lets go there!

In we went.  

And out we walked just over an hour later with the newest member of our family!

Meet August - better known as Auggy or Gus depending on who's talking to him.  Or if he is in trouble  

As far as we can figure he is approximatly 5/6 months old.  He is a tabby siamese cross.

and How ironic - we walked in the door with him and my message light on my answering machine was blinking.  It was the lady from VOKRA letting me know our application for adoption had been accepted.

All we went in for was Fish Food!  Honest!  it was a accident!

Our New addition

Holy Pain Batman!