My Job

SAw my doctor again today.

i'd only just seen him last thursday, the relapse.

the thing that sucks about the relapse, besides the immense pain, was that it had only been 2 days before that I had told a co-worker I thought I might be able to return to my full shift by Friday!

than of course Friday came and i couldn't even take tables.  Stood in the bar blinded and dizzy with pain.  Fell down in the kitchen trying to get up the back stairs.  Pulled my arm muscle on the way down as I tried to stop myself by grabbing onto the door handle.  Mitch just looking at me.  Not even for a moment stopping to ask if he can help.  Even one of the kitchen staff coming up to ask if I need help as I sat there on the stair in tears from the pain instantly turning into embarrassment.

I wnet in on Saturday,  Mountain by my side to tell him I wouldn't be in till Thursday.  Doctors orders.  The clinic doctor that is.

So now today I saw my doctor yet again.  He is concerned.  The lumps have gone down, but they are still there.  What do I want to do?  He will support me medically no problem, I am clearly not healing in a timely manner.  Torn muscles take longer to heal than broken bones.  but He can't support me financially.  Medical leave is not going to give me much.  Mountain has said he will support us.  Do I care if I lose my job anymore?  No.  Not so much.  I don't want to work for someone so unsympathetic.  Do I whine too much?  Thats possible.  He doesn't seem to take my injuries seriously.......

do I want Mountain to take on this responsibility?  I don't know.  Losing my Independence?  do I want to wimp out, give in and show weakness?  no.  Not to anybody.  Do I want to be ok?  YES!  I wanted to, was looking forward to Barkerville.  Doc says go.  DAd says I'm a fool if i do.  I don't know.  I don't want to screw up my claim anymore than i already have.   But I don't want my family to suffer through summer and the things we haven't been able to do or won't be able to do......

so Doc says try work again.  Keep taking it easy.  And if it happens again (the relapse)I'm off.  3 time down, I'm down.  He says i didn't do anything.  These things happen.  Relapses happen.  Was it trying to swim in the pool?  WAs it being intimate?  was it walking in my yard?  don't know.  Coulda been as simple as jamming on the brakes in my car when I was driving to work.

I am confused and lost.  I don't even know what the question was anymore