Did I Shave my Legs for This?

Now that my legs are shaved it should be a cooler day for me.  

Although I love being hot, i have therapists and doctors stretching me and getting pretty up close and personal with my hairy beast like legs.  I haven't shaved in Weeks and since I see my doctor yet again today I thought - why not give him a treat!  Thats the least I could do.

Blog On

Creating Anxiety for Myself?

I think so far ahead with stuff sometimes.

for example.  When I do my bills and budget its always for the month ahead.  I already know how much money I am short for 'stuff' for the END of August.  All my money that I get throughout the month gets put in a safe place and then there is banking day at the end of the month that takes care or everything for the month ahead.  It all goes in at once and then it all comes out at once.  Then i see what I am left -over with.  understand? 

so of course when i go over my 'stuff' for next month I already know that School supplies and clothes - well I just don't know.  I'm hoping to be working my full hours again.  

but as I was thinking about how I'm going to manage, i thought about the fact taht Leah is going to want Mountain to pay for Tea's school clothes again this year.  and I started to get really pissed!  We haven't even had the discussion yet.  And its not so much that he is going to pay for them.  It is - but I'll get to that in a moment - its the way and the process it all goes through.  They all go out as one happy family to shop.

no.  No.  NO!

give her cash and she can go.  Give her a gift card.  Get a list and we will go.  Or you just take her on your own.  BUT NO SHOP TOGETHER!  that irks me to the end of the earth!

now as far as spending money.......well, he feels a responsiblity.  fine.  He feels she is his daughter.  fine.  However, in our present situation i hope he has the sense, the balls, and the knowledge to put the brakes on for the amount that is spent!

so this is something that is looming up for me.  Something i am making myself stressed out about more than i need to be I know.  but it Haunts my brain for the past week.

I hope to have taken care of a bit of it.

Keep Your Friends Close and your Enemies Closer and if your not sure - Keep Them In Your Back Pocket!

Blog On!

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer   :)

the Good with The Bad

well the good news is I managed everything for next month.

my overhead that is.

I've accepted the fact that the new fence i had saved for is just not going to happen and that we will just be exposed till next spring.  Thats not great.  But its not the end of the world.  The planters and trellis work.....also a luxury that i said goodbye to awhile ago.  

now to itemize and try to figure out some major things.

house insurance - school clothes - school supplies - vacation? food? gas?

i have 500bux to stretch.

Mountain not been working his 5 days a week all summer becasue the work isn't there at his plant. Only 4.  its only 1 day a week but he is down every month a bunch of unexpected money too.  He was told to take the rest of his vacation time so that the company doens't have to lay-off anymore people.  So he'll be taking an extra week just before I take mine and he'll be taking Charlotte that whole time!  So that is awesome it will help with daycare costs!

We discussed the vacation to Barkerville we had planned.  It was to be our First family vaca together.  WE have all been looking forward to it.  He said lets do it anyway!  We'll bring what I need to be comfortable sleeping in a tent on the ground and we'll just charge it!

WHAT!???  did i just throw-up a little in my mouth.

He says he wants to look back on our life together and have good, happy memories of vacations and summers.  Charley is growing and isn't going to be around to do stuff like Barkerville forever.  We can't afford to do Disneyland.  I've never been.  We can't afford Mexico or the Caribbean or a trip to England to visit his Sister or justify a night in a fancy hotel just the two of us, but a family trip to Barkerville? its a little easier to justify, and not nearly as much 'debt' as us trying to justify something more glamorous........Debt is soemthing we will always have.  The money will work out and i won't be half- working forever.

Is justifiable debt ok?

so Now i toss it around.  Charge it?  Crap.  I keep thinking about what Jewel always says - you can't take it with you - or soemthing to that effect.

What if my car blows-up?  i suppose if all we do is just go straight to Barkerville, stay for the days we planned and then come home.  Maybe stop in at my brothers? probably not?  Cancel the road-trip part?  It won't be too, too bad will it?  

i'm never going to get that ring.  DAmnit!

i don't know what to do.   Opinions Blogger Dudes!

 Help!!!

i need to crunch vaca numbers again.............

Daddy's 65

not for a year or so

i am frustrated and .......ARG

So i saw the Lawyer

so i didn't sign the lawyer.  Not yet.

he talked.  i talked.  Siting in an air-conditioned room that made my spine ache.  I kept my back straight and protected in the comfy leather chair to help keep it insulated from the chill around me.

He's been a lawyer for 10yrs.  For his first 3 yrs he worked FOR ICBC as their lawyer!  So he knows stuff.  Fine.  I told him my story so far.  I told him that Lisa (my adjuster) has been working with me and has been so very wonderful.  I told him about the paper she wants me to sign and that I hadn't.  He praised me for that.  As they will, and can, go and use anything,  ANYTHING to make my claim, and all that becomes a part of it, crap.  I showed him the documents.  Some were dated May 11.  the date of the  accident.  Some had no date at all.  The ones with no date are the ones to worry about.  those are the ones I have to fill in and make sure it says MAY 11.  Then, he said, go ahead and sign them.  As far as he getting involved right now........he told me that she is working with me at this time.  She is working for me, so just keep with her, for now.  I will need him, but he says if he gets involved now there is no way i will get wages subsidized or receipts paid for as it goes to the next level of adjusters and they are not as co operative or nice.  So wait till i am able to work full-time hours again before i get him involved.  That way when I get cut-off I'll land on my feet.

He did suggest going on medical leave, but since I've cut my hours in half over 2 months ago that 60% isn't going to do much for me.  he suggested asking my therapist about going to physio more days of the week, like 5.  To help get better.  Once again i brought up the cost and my poor, poor ViSA.  So thats no good either. he guestimated my time of healing to be easily, and at the least a year.  Go through winter first he said.  This is not going to be over anytime soon.  Which is what I already knew.  

I talked about my injuries and the damaged pelvic muscle.  He knew exactly waht it was and commented on what a serious injury that was.  How are you walking?  Yah.  I'm amazing!

So thats that then.

Blog On

More Thoughts

I'm just tired and pissed off with this whole thing.

i keep doing my stretches and excercises.  They do help so thats good.

I never thought I would be still hurting this long away from the accident.  I am sooo surprised.  I didn't know that there would so many things that i really just can't physically do.  Not stuff that I shouldn't but I do anyway, but stuff that I really just can't.  So bizaare.

a Lawyer isn't going to fix my body, but he can take away some of the stress?  can he?  Or will he create more?  

on my own this will hang over my head for a year or at least another 6 months.  With the Guy.....2 easy.  Do I want that?  and Then it goes into spy time.  ICBC people watching me.  If they havne't already.  I don't like that either.  Its bad enough that my boss watches my every move with the cameras and listens in when the phone rings, to have someone in tahts a 'guest' watching me.

ICBC hasn't been that awful to me, really.  I've jsut been told by everyone not to trust them.  I don't want to make a mistake.  I don't want to make this decision.  Someone help me do the right thing!  am i getting screwed already and just don't recognize it?

I'm just so confused.  I don't want to make more out of this than it needs to be.  But I just keep hearing from everyone that I need a lawyer.  I don't know

guess I'll wait till 4 and see

Blog On

Thoughts

to the lawyers I go tomorrow.

With the same question i asked my adjuster - if i were to settle today waht would I be looking at as far as a settlement goes?

Why do I ask that?

cuz I want to see if its the same answer as the adjuster.

if it is......well I have a lot to consider.....that means i can get the same on my own and not have to share 30% with a lawyer.  Then there is the on going hassle of all of this.  If I hand it over to a lawyer he deals with the hassle.

i know the adjuster is jsut doing her job.  She has superiors she has to answer to.  She gets paid no matter what my outcome is.

If i go through a lawyer I'm easily looking at a couple years before I settle and then possibly court!  YiCK!  I HATE court!

I'm not doing this for money, but, i don't want to get Screwed either.  I'd rather just settle with my adjuster but...............do i trust her and her superiors to do whats right by me.

back injuries have a very high possiblity of being life long  

I don't know if I want to go in and instantly trust a man that I have to tell about what is going on.  Like my sex life is nearly non-exhistant now and i end up hurting when we do.  The part where we've had to put on hold the fertility testing, that my boss threatened my job and made me feel insecure about it.  That I don't know if or when I will ever be able to stand on my feet for 7 hours again.  To be able to lift 50lb boxes of pop and carrying them as I should be able to.  the feeling of utter hopelessness that is creeping up inside me.

i feel so vulnerable. So incapable and so Stupid.

So I want to let one more person in to taht?

Can i trust them?

What if he tells me to stop working?  What do I do to make ends meet then?

What if?

What if?

What if?

ARG!

Gonna se a lawyer on WEdnesday.

talke to my adjuster about where my claim is at right now.  She says that I shouldn't even consider settling yet, but if I did, at only 2 months in, it could be anywhere from 1500 - 4000.  I don't even plan to consider thinking about settling -well for one - when I can do my full shift again - two, when I make it through my first winter.  Cuz as it is now, going to the movies and being in the A/C was stiffning.  i don't even want to imagine what weeks of cold and rain are going to do to me!

I let my dad know what was going on.  Well you have to get out of that business!  Yes DAd.  you need to do something else.  I know dad, but I don't even know what to do.  You need to think of Charlotte and do soemthing else.  You can't work in restaurants anymore there's no future.  Yes Dad I know.  I can't think about that till I can even sell myself for another job.

I know I need to get out.  I just don't know what I will do.  He says to me get out of your comfort zone and do soemthing else.  ummmm....yah, cuz the last time I did that it went so well?  Right?

i know I need to.  i know i have to leave there.  i get that.  But get off my back about it right now.  i jsut want to deal with this, get better and figure it out.

What if the lawyer says stop working?  What the FFFF will i do then.  i already managed to screw myself by cutting my hours for medical leave.......but i kept working cuz I was scared to lose my job.  and I need the job once I am better.  Its so so .....i didn't think I was going to be this broken this long

I want to crawl in a hole where no one can find me

i am stressed out and freaked out and  i really want to find that hole.

Turning my Frown upside Down!

Today i will call the lawyers office and make an appointment.

I will get a hold of Rogers and get this phone turned into Pay-as-u-go

I have physio at 3;30

I will smile sweetly all day at work and do my job to the bet of my ability.

I will be MORE frugal with my tips and not let any slip into my wallet for the chocolate bar I so badly want.  10 for daycare the rest for everything else.

I can do this and I will!

Blog On!

Where I am At

Rent - 475

Mort - 455

car Ins - 105

life Ins - 15

Visa -

Gas - 40

Hydro - 50

Shaw - 120

cell pone - 50

my bills each month.  That does not include gas for my car, food, daycare, clothes, odds and ends............

so first to change is the cell phone.  I still need it as i need it for emergency.  I called last night and couln't get through.  Got through today, but of course the department i wanted (pay-as-u-go) is off on the weekends.  I should have remembered that having worked for the company.  but at least i will be able to get that bill down by 20 I think.  I need to look into Shaw and see if there's a better bundle for channels and stuff.  Shaw covers my internet, phone, and cable.   Other than that everything else is in stone.  We will have to watch the hot water usage and lights to try to get those down.  I've got all flourescent everywhere except the bathroom -

As long as my child support comes through i will make those bills next month.  All except Visa.  Don't know what I am going to do about that.  Of course its been growing rapidly cuase thats how I've been paying for physio and massage.  A massage taht i am not going to go do again cuz the bills are just hanging over my head and i will just have to make due without it.  I can stretch?

i did apply for a loan so hopefully that comes through and at least my interest rate won't be so high.

We had planned a much looking forward to Barkerville trip at the end of August.  Money that I did have put aside....now gone to other things.  

We have a back to school shop at the end of next month too.  School supplies.  Its going to be at least 300/500.  This is a middle school shop and she needs everything cuz i hadn't bought anything for the last couple years.  ie. back-pack winter coat boots....i was waiting till middle school so it would be a cool thing to have it all new to start in a new school - which we don't even know whre she is going yet!  More stress i don't need.

as I drove Charley to Camp Squeah we chatted.  I mentioned to her that we might not be able to go to Barkerville.  She was disappointed but ok.  I told her we could do other things during our time off.  She loves our road trips, then I told her a road trip probably won't happen either.  She got silent.  More disappointment.  Than it came up that we might not be able to go camping....she stared out the window.

I have to make this happen!

My summer is wrecked, but I'll be damned if I let hers be this wrecked too!

What is it?  Was I a really rich bitch in a past life?  I try to make good choices.  I have my moments.  Heck.  I've had lots of moments.  I know I am a hard person to take sometimes.  but what is this cycle?

2 years ago we moved on our holiday.  The year before that I went wacky.  I have been trying to concentrate on the silver lining.  And really its not so awful.  it could certainly be much, much worse.  I am just really down and stressed and..........why do I struggle so?

I had a savings account.  One with money in it!  a bunch of money even

this work thing is getting to me.  I have to leave.  but I can't sell myself broken as I am.

i had even thought on the way home from Hope that fine.  I'll just go back, suck it up and work my hours!  but you know what?  I can't.  I actaully can't.  Nevermind being on my feet for 7 hours will kill me, the stocking the lifting the moving of tables the..........i am not milking this.  I am hurt.  I really am.

so once i am able to be the server i know I can be I will go.  It sucks though cuz even if I get the same hours my wage will not be the same.  I will be taking a HUGE hit to leave.

I am just really down.

I will make an appointment tomorrow to meet with a lawyer.

ICBC didn't subsidize my wage this time.  They wanted me to sign an authorization form so they can look and go through all my stuff.  medical, dental, work everything.  So i walked out with nothing.

I will be ok.  Mountain does have my back and he is just wanting to be there and help me.  I will let him.  I just have to be even more frugal.  Charley will get her holiday!  Charley will go to the waterslides!  I will figure this out and make it happen!

Blog On

i have this feeling i will lose her

is it parental or intuition? 

forms & the Boss

funny how he still hasn't recieved the forms in the mail.

he was surprised when I said I just went to ICBC and picked them up.  He asked that I fill them out as I have been keeping track of my hours.  So i did that last night.  Now lets see if he gets on it and signs them as he should so that I can get them back to Lisa(ICBC adjuster)

Replaced?

A week after the accident.

The week that I had 2 extra days off to make the May long weekend a 4 day weekend.  The week that I tried to work a Full Wednesday, but couln't.  Took off the Thursday and then tried again to work a full Friday.  Only to realize that I might just have to go on medical leave......I sat in his office doing my cash.  Off early again on a Friday.  My hip and leg throbbing.  Hurting to sit.  Hurting to stand.  He said it.  I wasn't sure till a couple days ago if I had heard him correctly.  I kept second guessing myself because of the incident a few months ago.  But even second guessing myself I knew that what he'd said he really did say.

if you need to take any of time off for this I will have to replace you.

REPLACE!!!

What?!  so without question I kept working.  Shortened my hours after talking to ICBC and finding out that they will cover my lost wages I felt I could manage half days.  and I have.  Not without pain or discomfort.  Some days barely making it to my car.  Even this past Monday I tried to get my shift covered cuz my mid-back and neck were so bad the headache was crazy.  I just didn't want to put my body through it!  of course in the end having to cuz the one girl that could cover me didn't have her phone on her for 2 days!  so in I went.  Loyal.  I wouldn't want to hoop him?  During these last 2 months I looked into medical leave finding out that I need to just be off to get it.  Missing days here and there don't cut it.  Listening to my family, friends and customers telling me I shouldn't be working while listening to those words in my head.  REPLACED.  Meanwhile pushing myself casue I can do this!  I can do anything!  My dad getting really upset a few weeks ago that I was still working in this pain and shouldn't be.  Then I told him.  I told him what Boss had said.  We'll take him to court, he says.  If that happens Kristi I will make sure you have to money for a lawyer!

So here I sit 2 months later.  Still not ok.  Certainly better!  but still not ok.  this last week has been good with the leg thing.  I feel as though I might be on the upswing of healing.  I get mass headaches now and I really feel my spine.  Especially with this last bout of wet weather.  That was hell.  When out of the blue, during lunch, BM straight out asks me if I plan to go on medical leave.  He needs to know cause he will need to hire someone if i go.  I will need to be replaced.

What?  I don't know.  

Well I need to know.

Great.  I would like to know too.  But I don't.  So if I don't how can I tell you?  I walked out of the kitchen.  Puzzled.  What the hell was that all about.  Where did that even come from?  I go back in the kitchen to ask him what brought this on.

he just needs to know cuz he has people he can hire, but if he doens't have the hours for them he can't hire them so if I am leaving then he can bring them on.

my response - umm ok.  I don't plan on going anywhere.  I've managed for the last 2 months.  Besides if somehting did happen and I was to go on leave I'd be coming back when I was able to work my full hours again and I'd get my shifts back.

No.

Excuse me.  You have to.

No ACTUALLY  I don't.  I ACTUALLY don't have to.  I ACTUALLY looked into it and I only have to keep your hours for you for maternity or bereavment or paternal but not for sick.

I am jsut staring at him blankly.  I can't believe we are having this conversation.

you have to work your way up just like anyone else we were to hire.  you'd start part-time till somehting came available for you.  Of course we'd be good to you.  you've been with us for 3 years and we love you and all.  you understand right?

Still staring blankly at him.  My anger fuming.  No.  No, ACTUALLY i don't understand!  I turned and walked out of the kitchen.

now, top this stupidness with the fact that he needs to fill out my wage loss report.  That he's conveniently misplaced.  I started asking him about that last week.  Tuesday.  He'll find it he says.  I got right on the phone and had my adjuster mail him another one.  She says it went in the mail on July 8th, Thursday.  he says, as of yesterday, it still hadn't arrived.  Now keep in mind, this is not the first time he's played God with someone's lively-hood.  I watched as he held a girls cheque and ROE back in the fall.  It got so bad in fact, that her parents had to come down from Prince George to get it!  SAme excuse.  The mail can take weeks you know........

He is currently not submitting my girlfriends kitchen hours to her culinary school so she can get to the next level with her Chef training.  I'll do it don't worry.  He's been telling her that since March!

So What am i going to do.

Well, I talked to my adjuster again yesterday and personally went to her office to pick up the forms he needs to fill out.  I photocopied them, I will give them to him today.  Oh Yes i told her what was going on.  SAw my doctor yesterday too and told him what was going on.

i don't need this added stress.  I really don't.  What does he think I am doing when I get off early?  its not like I can go to the beach!  I can't walk far and I certainly can't do hills or stairs all so great without paying for it later.  I spend my after hours at physio twice a week.  Massage twice a week, doctors......or doing physio at home when I get home from work!  Ferrying my pre-teen daughter around cuz now I can cuz I am off early and she can cultivate some much needed friendships.

So I borrowed the program that I need for my beautiful Mac and I am getting my information gathered and I am doing up my resume.  I am slowly gathering my things out of the restaurant.  I've already brought a couple plants home and some knick-knacks.

Selling myself in a broken state is not going to be easy, but I'll worry about that when the time comes.  Mountain is going to let me lean on him.  I've explained to him how this works.  Full-time days?  I will need his help BIG TIME!

So for now I smile sweetly and act like nothing is wrong and continue on till its time.

In the end - I am sure he would be fine and hire me back and give me my shifts and so on.  Its the principal.  Why  go on a power trip?  Why do you feel the need to keep me down or under your thumb?   Why do you need to make me feel insecure about my job?

Because you can?

No.  I'm not into the abuse thanks.

He is a bully.  He was one through-out his teenage years and he hasn't stopped.  He is only 25.  I don't like to be bullied and if I can lean on Mountain than that makes it all the easier to make the choices i need to.

Blog On

How many times does my Asshole Boss feel he needs to threaten my job

I am doing up my resume.  

i don't need to be treated like this.  I deserve better.  

I thought those pills were not only supposed to help me sleep but loosen up the tight muscles.  Frig.  Neither happend.

I only took them twice when the accident first happened.  They did nothing but make me dopey and stoned.  but I thought I would try them again.  Give them another chance.  you never know, maybe I was just tooo sore then.

Nope.  They are crap!

I am pissed off!

Life is sucking!

bad day

this has just been a bad day.

on Saturday i washed my kitchen floor, scrubbed my bathroom from top to bottom, vacuumed, went to mom and dad to celebrate daddy's 65th.  Went in the pool.  WAlked down to the river so that Charley could show me the coolness she found.  Helped my mom clean up supper dishes.......

yesterday I got 'stuck'  while turning my head to shoulder check over the left shoulder.  Frig that hurt.  My eyes even watered.  I turned and then BAM!  i couldn't turn back.

so today i tried since yesterday to call someone in - i ended up working cuz there was no one.

I am tired of this.  Tired of feeling better than not.  Tired of losing my summer!  I want to go to Harrison for icecream and a walk on the beach with C.  I want to go to the waterslides.  I want to be able to go to Barkerville!  Right now it is looking like non of that is going to happen.

I am very sad and depressed.

I am missing out on summer with my girl.  Even though I have all this time now - I don't have money to do anything cuz I am not working and there is so much I just can't put myself out there to do.

Frig!  I'm annoyed

OPSY

I gotta stop stopping my posts in mid-thought and then posting!

my masage - well it felt like i got hit by a truck.  and now a week later, i hurt more.  I go again tomorrow for another massage.  Hopefully something gets relieved cuz the headaches are just annoying.  At least its not the migraines from a few weeks ago.

Blog On

Therepeutic Massage?

So I went on Tuesday for my FIRST therepeutic massage concerning this accident I had.  They are supposed to be helpful Right?

I suppose it will b

battles

These battles.  These demons I have.  I allow them to stay.  Why?

do I like the battle?  are they secretly good friends that I don't want, can't let go of yet?  Will i be left without ?  No, I know my old friend OCD will come and keep me compnay.  But why hasn't OCD pushed its way in anyhow?  Is it too weak right now?  Are the others stronger?  OCD had a nervous breakdown too when I did 3 years ago.  OCD actually gave up before I did.  Thats how the others got in and set-up camp.  OCD gave me anxiety and made me more judgemental than I need to be.  OCD is a snot ........I'm not sure if I like OCD.  I know I don't fully appreciate my new friends eventhough they do have some good qualities too......

I will keep the battle going

if only they could work together -

Blog On!

Things are Changing

Well, we got word yesterday that Mntn's room-mate did indeed get married to the girl that he's only been dating for a few months and just proposed to, this weekend.  She is now living there.  So I HAVE to figure out how to go through these closets and get this room of mine organized to fit another person in here.  The room-mate told mntn not to worry and that he still needs his money to help pay his mortgage.  (room-mate doesn;t work.  Niether does new wifey.  She doesn't have her green card.....)  But Mntn knows he is not going to want to stay there.  I'm sure he'll be living here by September.

Are we ready?  To cohabitate?  Yah.  We are, just not in this house.  DAmnit!  There's just not the room for his clothes even.  So it sucks that this was kinda not the "plan"  but I guess everything happens for a reason.  I'm becoming more and more annoyed that I don't have a shiny finger yet.  I'm pissed that I had to use my savings account becasue of my accident and now I am so behind in the things I wanted to achieve this summer.  GRRRRRRR.  Now my house insurance is due and I don't have the money!  FUDGE!  I am happy though that I can at least garden virtually on FArmVille and FArmTown.  That gives me pleasure.  My daughter gives me pleasure.  Its been nice being with her more.  Its been nice reading.  Even though its been mostly trash mags, its still nice to have the time to read.

i gotta go.  Time to work.

Blog On!

Healing?

Its nice to have a manageable day of pain!  WoW!  

After SAutrday i really thought I was never going to work again.  Dragging my body to my car.  Lifting my leg in......it was awful.  I was in such pain.  but I sat in the pool.  Drank some wine.  Did my stretches and sat with a Rice bag for the rest of the night.  I wasn't great on Sunday, but I was ok enough to work.  So this is a bonus!  Maybe I am finally on the upswing of this accident and gonna get better soon.   That would be nice.

Saw the paper on SAturday.  The SPCA is over-run with kitties.  I really want a couple.  But i just don't have the money.  Not when I need a new fence and we have a holiday that I am trying to save for at the end of august.  Also, we plan to go away at the end of August.  Will freshly adopted kitties manage?  that might make them think they've been left again!  I mean, my girlfriend will come stay, but still.  I don't want to attribute to their anxiety of being left in the first place!  Its a lot to consider.  And I don't have a fence up yet!  I don't want them wandering all over once they are allowed outside.

*sigh*  so much to think about.

Blog On!

Hmph?

My young second cousin got married very quickly last weekend.  There was no warning!  They are expecting.

Mountains friends - 2 of them - getting married.  One this summer.  I noticed on FAcebook that Karen must've tied the knot and her last name is changed.  Sister is pregnant with Twins.

Disapointed, Jealous, frustrated, caring then not.  

Wanting to and being ready yet not being ready to physically live together.

now I have all this time to organize and do my closets as I'd like and I can't!  I need a bigger house.