http://friends-of-larry.blogspot.com/
My darling sweet love.
I can't get over my grief!
Thank you ladies for the blog.
i do hope you all visit.
i am in mourning. So much mourning.....I jsut can't get over it. I just didn't think i had these many tears.
i look like a character out of a Garfield comic!
The last time Larry an I spoke. He gave himself a giggle.
It was jsut an hour or so before he was going in for surgery. i was so relieved that he had gotten my last e-mail. He had requested i send him pictures.
he wanted to print them off and take them to the hospital with him.
so I wanted to make sure I got this letter to him.......
I'm so glad that I did! he waited for it.
It was early, early in the morning of SAturday. 4:30AM
He was talkign about my letter.
i had written lots of mushy stuff, of course cause thats what we would do. I talked about babies. Having a family with him. Knwoing of course he's fixed.
He's bringing this up and giggling to himself. I'm saying , well they're operating anyhow.....maybe soemthing could be worked out.
He's giggling. SAying soemthing about not feeling all that great about having his Nuts operated on. First time was was enough.
......
'I'll tell you that story one day'
"I know how it all goes."
'Oh did you have that done?' Well he nearly busted a gut after he said that!!
'that has got to be the funniest thing I've said all day!'
He was so pleased with himself.........
That was the last time we talked.
I will remember that part.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Bittersweet
i don't have much to say right now.
I see my stats have just blown the ceiling off!!!
you are all looking for answers.
i just can't go thru it right now.
The story will come. the everything.
here is the short version...........
Larry and I fell in love. We'd been mailing back and forth for months. Since the winter. Not knowing what to do with all this. Scared for what to do with all this. Embaressed with what to do with all this.
The phone calls came a couple months ago.
so many phone calls. his voice........
Beyond all this..........
we found each other. Something we both needed.
WE talked on the phone daily.
For months.
Larry was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer last tuesday.
he passed away Saturday evening.
i loved him and intended to be with him and he with me over the next few months, into forever. Circumstances sped that up......but not enough.
my grief is so much. But not unbearable for he loved me.
he truly, really did. That is soemthing i've never had.
he was a gift to me. To us all.
his love holds me up. For that i am eternally grateful. he is so awesome. For now I need to think and I need time and i.............
yes i do answer e-mails.
Thank you all during this time.
perspective. Amazing Perspective
Love ...............K.
I see my stats have just blown the ceiling off!!!
you are all looking for answers.
i just can't go thru it right now.
The story will come. the everything.
here is the short version...........
Larry and I fell in love. We'd been mailing back and forth for months. Since the winter. Not knowing what to do with all this. Scared for what to do with all this. Embaressed with what to do with all this.
The phone calls came a couple months ago.
so many phone calls. his voice........
Beyond all this..........
we found each other. Something we both needed.
WE talked on the phone daily.
For months.
Larry was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer last tuesday.
he passed away Saturday evening.
i loved him and intended to be with him and he with me over the next few months, into forever. Circumstances sped that up......but not enough.
my grief is so much. But not unbearable for he loved me.
he truly, really did. That is soemthing i've never had.
he was a gift to me. To us all.
his love holds me up. For that i am eternally grateful. he is so awesome. For now I need to think and I need time and i.............
yes i do answer e-mails.
Thank you all during this time.
perspective. Amazing Perspective
Love ...............K.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
HIs Wishes
there was so much pain in his voice the last time we spoke.
It killed me inside to hear it.
I do hope his daughter calls to let me know how the surgery went.
I know they have so much going on. I'm jsut some chick they've heard about. I'm not really real.
To them.
I am resigned to granting his wish that I don't go. That I let him be at this time. That I let him have his vanity. His wish that I don't 'see him like this'
Yes I do understand.
I don't like it. Not one little bit. But I will listen.
For its his wish.
Its his wish that I love him from here. So I will grant it.
So now life goes on. Mine that is. I wait to hear. I just wait to hear and I grant the other wishes he asked of me over the last few times we've talked.
I will go on........
It killed me inside to hear it.
I do hope his daughter calls to let me know how the surgery went.
I know they have so much going on. I'm jsut some chick they've heard about. I'm not really real.
To them.
I am resigned to granting his wish that I don't go. That I let him be at this time. That I let him have his vanity. His wish that I don't 'see him like this'
Yes I do understand.
I don't like it. Not one little bit. But I will listen.
For its his wish.
Its his wish that I love him from here. So I will grant it.
So now life goes on. Mine that is. I wait to hear. I just wait to hear and I grant the other wishes he asked of me over the last few times we've talked.
I will go on........
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Friday, May 26, 2006
moments
In a instant it could all be gone.
Next week......might not be there.
I'll do it later.......may never happen.
I for one plan to get my affairs in order over this next while cuase I have just learned over the last week how quickly. i mean truly quickly the chance might not be there.
I heard the words last night i've waited a lifetime to hear.
"I love you Kristi"
It was a wonderful feeling to be able to say them back.
I now know what all the Hubbub is all about!!!
I'm gonna hear them again.
We will get our time. We will!
DAmn you and your stubborness!
I was gonna just go anyway. Cause screw him! he needs me and he's just doing this all out of man~pride and crap!
However, I'd be waiting in the airport an awful long time without him agreeing to me coming. Cause I honestly jsut don't knw where the Hell to go once i get there.
We will have our time. I don't know when................but we will.
I Love you Too Harry
Next week......might not be there.
I'll do it later.......may never happen.
I for one plan to get my affairs in order over this next while cuase I have just learned over the last week how quickly. i mean truly quickly the chance might not be there.
I heard the words last night i've waited a lifetime to hear.
"I love you Kristi"
It was a wonderful feeling to be able to say them back.
I now know what all the Hubbub is all about!!!
I'm gonna hear them again.
We will get our time. We will!
DAmn you and your stubborness!
I was gonna just go anyway. Cause screw him! he needs me and he's just doing this all out of man~pride and crap!
However, I'd be waiting in the airport an awful long time without him agreeing to me coming. Cause I honestly jsut don't knw where the Hell to go once i get there.
We will have our time. I don't know when................but we will.
I Love you Too Harry
Thursday, May 25, 2006
You've Got To Be Kidding Me!!!
So along with the whole job thing......babysitting.......harrison........Things..........
i get woken at 1AM to puddles forming on my bedroom floor.
I do believe my roof is leaking.
FUCK ME BACKWARDS WITH A WET NOODLE!@!!
i get woken at 1AM to puddles forming on my bedroom floor.
I do believe my roof is leaking.
FUCK ME BACKWARDS WITH A WET NOODLE!@!!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
tears
the tears role down my cheeks.
they are so warm i barely notice them.
funny.
Yet as big as an elephants I'm sure.
I need to go to him.
i must go to him.
I want to go to him.
these tears make my eyes so dry after. My eyelashes clump togheterh. I am so tired. so numb.
The words in my head. Keep repeating themselves.
my mind won't stay quiet.
I keep thinking of ways.
Of solutions.
Of things.
He can't be alone right now.
he needs me. He may not admit it, but he does.
Keeps thinking of whats best.
Don't worry about whats best.
Not now. Not now!
you may not have that much time to worry about whats best.
i have lots of time to worry aoubt it. To deal. To heal.
and YES Harrison you do to!!!!
Need me that is.
Stop Pissing me off!
you know how you piss me off!!
you don't need to be the strong one in this!
Not for the part where you are alone.
I want to be there with you.
I want to find a way to be there with you.
You and I need to find a way for me to be there with you Damn it!!
Charley and I will come to you.
if theres a way, we will find it.
And we will.
Help me find a way to be there with you...................
My feelings are so deep.
So new. But so deep.
i want to love you....but its still all so new. Now maybe never getting the chance to love you.
Never getting the chance to find out if we, if you, if it was the 'all' we have both been looking for.
Months of beign awkward. days of being friends. Weeks and weeks of being more.........
Please let us find a way.........
there's got to be a way.
There just has to be soemthing.
they are so warm i barely notice them.
funny.
Yet as big as an elephants I'm sure.
I need to go to him.
i must go to him.
I want to go to him.
these tears make my eyes so dry after. My eyelashes clump togheterh. I am so tired. so numb.
The words in my head. Keep repeating themselves.
my mind won't stay quiet.
I keep thinking of ways.
Of solutions.
Of things.
He can't be alone right now.
he needs me. He may not admit it, but he does.
Keeps thinking of whats best.
Don't worry about whats best.
Not now. Not now!
you may not have that much time to worry about whats best.
i have lots of time to worry aoubt it. To deal. To heal.
and YES Harrison you do to!!!!
Need me that is.
Stop Pissing me off!
you know how you piss me off!!
you don't need to be the strong one in this!
Not for the part where you are alone.
I want to be there with you.
I want to find a way to be there with you.
You and I need to find a way for me to be there with you Damn it!!
Charley and I will come to you.
if theres a way, we will find it.
And we will.
Help me find a way to be there with you...................
My feelings are so deep.
So new. But so deep.
i want to love you....but its still all so new. Now maybe never getting the chance to love you.
Never getting the chance to find out if we, if you, if it was the 'all' we have both been looking for.
Months of beign awkward. days of being friends. Weeks and weeks of being more.........
Please let us find a way.........
there's got to be a way.
There just has to be soemthing.
Fine
my day was a fine one.
work was good. Sold good. Got the disc to the music store.....hopeully the teacher is able to get it in time and we are able to practice. I booked the room again for SAturday morning before work. She can do it. She does it amzingley well. Its jsut getting the rythm down with the disc.
She'll do it. I have faith. And she is musical so its all good.
I see my Poppies have opened up.
they sure are pretty. I would rush out and picture them for you......but its been pissing rain here for days. I'm surprised they opened!
Even in the rain the flash of red in the garden sure is pretty.
My early morning phone call was fine.
I mean the part where I got to hear Harrisons voice. And we got to talk.
The part where we got to share our feelings for one another was real fine too!
the part where he shares the scary bits that are going on right now. that was even fine too. Cause we are talking and sharing. I like that.
The part that wasn't and isn't fine is the part where he is sick and its not fine. Not Fine at all.
I was floating on my cloud of like.
Have been for a couple months. Getting ready for the next step.......
when my cloud is suddenly not the white fluffy one I thought.
I will find out in a bit when he calls.........exactly what we're dealing with.
Its really so Un-Fine.
I must be like the kiss of Friggin bad Luck all around!
work was good. Sold good. Got the disc to the music store.....hopeully the teacher is able to get it in time and we are able to practice. I booked the room again for SAturday morning before work. She can do it. She does it amzingley well. Its jsut getting the rythm down with the disc.
She'll do it. I have faith. And she is musical so its all good.
I see my Poppies have opened up.
they sure are pretty. I would rush out and picture them for you......but its been pissing rain here for days. I'm surprised they opened!
Even in the rain the flash of red in the garden sure is pretty.
My early morning phone call was fine.
I mean the part where I got to hear Harrisons voice. And we got to talk.
The part where we got to share our feelings for one another was real fine too!
the part where he shares the scary bits that are going on right now. that was even fine too. Cause we are talking and sharing. I like that.
The part that wasn't and isn't fine is the part where he is sick and its not fine. Not Fine at all.
I was floating on my cloud of like.
Have been for a couple months. Getting ready for the next step.......
when my cloud is suddenly not the white fluffy one I thought.
I will find out in a bit when he calls.........exactly what we're dealing with.
Its really so Un-Fine.
I must be like the kiss of Friggin bad Luck all around!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Harrison
Harrison has decided that he is fine so i will too.
nothing can be done, till something can be done, so no sense worrying about it, right?
There's phones to sell. Jobs to make better!! I got to go bitch at the gas pumps again this morning as they suck all my hard earned money out of my wallet!
Only a month left of school! Holy Carp!
Charley spent the day making a fort in the basement. Its pretty cool. She fought with me the rest of the day about practicing piano. Her recital is in a couple weeks. She has to play on a keyboard and with this disc thing.......its stupid.....but anyhow. Thats what she has to do. So we went in on Saturday morning to practice with the disc. The disc won't stay at the right tempo! It keeps jumping around! Speeding up. Slowing down. I'm so super pissed.
so is the Queen. There was no class last night cause it was a holiday. so when the hell are we supposed to get this disc fixed and get back in to practice? Frig! Her recital is the 3 of June!
So now I must try to get in there today, when I get back into town and get the disc to her teacher......she doesn't work everyday. So that she can fix it. Then we can try again for SAturday to practice. Friggin!
Had I known that it was going to be this kind of piano/keyboard playing I wouldn't have put her in this class. However, I didn't. And I did. So now I can't let her fail. So we practice at the school when we can book a keyboard.
Next year it will be different.
Blog on!
nothing can be done, till something can be done, so no sense worrying about it, right?
There's phones to sell. Jobs to make better!! I got to go bitch at the gas pumps again this morning as they suck all my hard earned money out of my wallet!
Only a month left of school! Holy Carp!
Charley spent the day making a fort in the basement. Its pretty cool. She fought with me the rest of the day about practicing piano. Her recital is in a couple weeks. She has to play on a keyboard and with this disc thing.......its stupid.....but anyhow. Thats what she has to do. So we went in on Saturday morning to practice with the disc. The disc won't stay at the right tempo! It keeps jumping around! Speeding up. Slowing down. I'm so super pissed.
so is the Queen. There was no class last night cause it was a holiday. so when the hell are we supposed to get this disc fixed and get back in to practice? Frig! Her recital is the 3 of June!
So now I must try to get in there today, when I get back into town and get the disc to her teacher......she doesn't work everyday. So that she can fix it. Then we can try again for SAturday to practice. Friggin!
Had I known that it was going to be this kind of piano/keyboard playing I wouldn't have put her in this class. However, I didn't. And I did. So now I can't let her fail. So we practice at the school when we can book a keyboard.
Next year it will be different.
Blog on!
Monday, May 22, 2006
my 'like' is sick.
i will call him Harrison.
I am a so worried and upset.
And there's nothing I can do cause I'm thousands of miles away......
he needs positve thoughts.
Please help me send them.
I am sick myself. Only with worry. He's been in hospital and doctors and.........
please just send positive thoughts.
i will call him Harrison.
I am a so worried and upset.
And there's nothing I can do cause I'm thousands of miles away......
he needs positve thoughts.
Please help me send them.
I am sick myself. Only with worry. He's been in hospital and doctors and.........
please just send positive thoughts.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
I am Me
I am who I am.
I think I don't want to have sex until I'm in a seriously committed relationship. I mean afterall thats as it should be anyhow. however, somehwere along the way.......I think for most of us.
it gets to be okay when we jsut really, really like someone. We put out.
Well.
That jsut gets me into trouble.
i get used.
I am not a toy. I am not a doll.
yes I like sex.
I like it very much. However, I think sex is one of my biggest problems. Men tend to jsut want my ass. I am just really tired of it now.
i want to be liked for me.
not for what I look like.
What brings this on you say?
Well. Men at work. Not the men i work with. Jsut the ones that come into my store. I can tell which ones are interested in me for me and the ones that aren't.
So I think.
I am by far what most would call easy. Although once you're in you're in. However, I test them as best i can. I mean I am super picky anyway. If the ones i like can put up with the rest of my boundaries i figure, okay, he's a safe one. Then i let him in all the way. And BAM!!!
They are done.
I am the Whole package.
i want the Whole package.
This is my quest. The whole package. Friends and lovers alike. Me for me and all that I am. you for you in return......Can it be done.....
I think I don't want to have sex until I'm in a seriously committed relationship. I mean afterall thats as it should be anyhow. however, somehwere along the way.......I think for most of us.
it gets to be okay when we jsut really, really like someone. We put out.
Well.
That jsut gets me into trouble.
i get used.
I am not a toy. I am not a doll.
yes I like sex.
I like it very much. However, I think sex is one of my biggest problems. Men tend to jsut want my ass. I am just really tired of it now.
i want to be liked for me.
not for what I look like.
What brings this on you say?
Well. Men at work. Not the men i work with. Jsut the ones that come into my store. I can tell which ones are interested in me for me and the ones that aren't.
So I think.
I am by far what most would call easy. Although once you're in you're in. However, I test them as best i can. I mean I am super picky anyway. If the ones i like can put up with the rest of my boundaries i figure, okay, he's a safe one. Then i let him in all the way. And BAM!!!
They are done.
I am the Whole package.
i want the Whole package.
This is my quest. The whole package. Friends and lovers alike. Me for me and all that I am. you for you in return......Can it be done.....
Saturday, May 20, 2006
The Queen~starring as The Millers DAughter
Here she is getting ready to do her part.
It was so fun!
Just a little 10 minute skit. But she was the star!!
I of course beamed with Pride and smiled from ear to ear cause she just amazes me every day!
Another group did Goldilocks too. Get a look at that wig! It jsut killed me! I loved it!!
It was so fun!
Just a little 10 minute skit. But she was the star!!
I of course beamed with Pride and smiled from ear to ear cause she just amazes me every day!
Another group did Goldilocks too. Get a look at that wig! It jsut killed me! I loved it!!
Friday, May 19, 2006
did you Know........
Hey!!!
did you know.......
i installed my ceiling fan in my bedroom my very own self?
kitchen too!
i also rewired my bathroom, hallway, outside and stair lights.
I am Freakin amazing!!!
did you know.......
i installed my ceiling fan in my bedroom my very own self?
kitchen too!
i also rewired my bathroom, hallway, outside and stair lights.
I am Freakin amazing!!!
where the Heck did Chris go?
Send me happy thoughts today. Work you know.
Was handed a card yesterday from a chef in the town I work. Hmmmmmm.
Is the drive worth it?
orthotics. Heck I need orthotics!
May day weekend.
What to do on Monday.
We alwasy go to the parade in Brandner, but honeslty I'm afraid cause Mike will no doubt be there. Last year he was in it for pete's sake! This year he'll probably be there with her and her and.......well I could't go alone thats fersure. I should look into a new tradition. Another parade for the holiday day.
Unless someone wants to accompany me...........
Heck Darn! I need to get rested up so i can cathc up on my downloads here!
The Queen. She just makes me smile so much!
I want to share her with you all.
maybe i'll do an audio-blog with her!
Later.
blog On!
Send me happy thoughts today. Work you know.
Was handed a card yesterday from a chef in the town I work. Hmmmmmm.
Is the drive worth it?
orthotics. Heck I need orthotics!
May day weekend.
What to do on Monday.
We alwasy go to the parade in Brandner, but honeslty I'm afraid cause Mike will no doubt be there. Last year he was in it for pete's sake! This year he'll probably be there with her and her and.......well I could't go alone thats fersure. I should look into a new tradition. Another parade for the holiday day.
Unless someone wants to accompany me...........
Heck Darn! I need to get rested up so i can cathc up on my downloads here!
The Queen. She just makes me smile so much!
I want to share her with you all.
maybe i'll do an audio-blog with her!
Later.
blog On!
Thursday, May 18, 2006
The Queen
I made it for her play tonight!!
i was so excited.
So was she.
Did I take pictures?
Damn rights.
it was just a short little thing. 10 minutes. Rumplestiltskin. She was the millers daughter. This is huge for her. She has such terrible stage fright. cAn't look at the audience. Tries to look down a lot to be like shes invisible.
but she did it!
head down the whole time.
I'll have to download the pics and post them........
somewhere.
i am so sleepy.
Still having troubles in my head during my dreams.
So much. Boys, my job, being a mom, The fact that Mike doens't love his new girlfriend either.....yah nice little tidbit of news i found out on the weekend.
It only bothers me cause it means he is doing the same thing he did with me to another. And that is jsut shitty! I mean super shitty!
Yes d. I will give credit where credit is due!
he is a dirty shit!
so now that I've share that maybe i can get soem sleep cause its jsut been Pissing me Off! What an Ass!
And its the rodeo in Cloverdale this weekend. Not that I have ever been and don't want to go. But I know he is there and it bothers me.
Its nice to know that eventhough my 'like' is so far away...........he may not love me, but he deosn't pretend to and the rest of the like feelings and fear feelings and stuff are all mutual. One isn't more than the other.
you know what??
I like that! I deserve that! and it gives me super warm fuzzies. Its nice that he phones and leaves me worried voicemail when my phone shuts off. Yah its a challenge this phone of mine. He calls to make sure i'm okay.
Even though theres nothing he can do.......
its super sweet that he even gives a shit.
I can take care of myself. Have been for years.
But DAmn, its nice to be given a shit about!
And right now, beyond all the other Carp going on in my life and decisions and stuff...........even if this is all it is and never goes any farther...........
its realy nice to be in the euphoric state of like.
Hey! its been awhile.......
OOOGLENOTH!!!
i was so excited.
So was she.
Did I take pictures?
Damn rights.
it was just a short little thing. 10 minutes. Rumplestiltskin. She was the millers daughter. This is huge for her. She has such terrible stage fright. cAn't look at the audience. Tries to look down a lot to be like shes invisible.
but she did it!
head down the whole time.
I'll have to download the pics and post them........
somewhere.
i am so sleepy.
Still having troubles in my head during my dreams.
So much. Boys, my job, being a mom, The fact that Mike doens't love his new girlfriend either.....yah nice little tidbit of news i found out on the weekend.
It only bothers me cause it means he is doing the same thing he did with me to another. And that is jsut shitty! I mean super shitty!
Yes d. I will give credit where credit is due!
he is a dirty shit!
so now that I've share that maybe i can get soem sleep cause its jsut been Pissing me Off! What an Ass!
And its the rodeo in Cloverdale this weekend. Not that I have ever been and don't want to go. But I know he is there and it bothers me.
Its nice to know that eventhough my 'like' is so far away...........he may not love me, but he deosn't pretend to and the rest of the like feelings and fear feelings and stuff are all mutual. One isn't more than the other.
you know what??
I like that! I deserve that! and it gives me super warm fuzzies. Its nice that he phones and leaves me worried voicemail when my phone shuts off. Yah its a challenge this phone of mine. He calls to make sure i'm okay.
Even though theres nothing he can do.......
its super sweet that he even gives a shit.
I can take care of myself. Have been for years.
But DAmn, its nice to be given a shit about!
And right now, beyond all the other Carp going on in my life and decisions and stuff...........even if this is all it is and never goes any farther...........
its realy nice to be in the euphoric state of like.
Hey! its been awhile.......
OOOGLENOTH!!!
My Job
WEll. I've been at this job nearly a year now.
June 1st.
I have always said I don't hate it. Which I don't! Its very technical though. And my background is in nothing but customer service. Restuarant.
i left of course cause I had to. I mean my arthritis and my one friggin foot. (its been acting up again this week BTW) I'm nearly 37 and I'm not an idiot. Retirement isn't that far away.
I'd like to be able to provide for my daughter and myself. Get her to the dentist. Be able to stay home with her when she's sick. Stay home when I'm sick. The restaurant business is just not condusive to that. Unless you have a partner to back you.
The money is okay. Most of the time. Bla, bla, bla.
anyhow, its been a year and I am find I need to make a decision.
i'm average at this job. Not Great like I'd hoped. I need to be great.
I've had sooo many emotional and babysitting ups and downs over the last year. My mind just hasn't been on the job and leartning and doing.
I'm not totally happy in life and being at the restaurant did provide me with that.
Kind of an inner knowing my place happiness I guess. Although my boss, whom I love, made me nuts and didn't pay me for the job I was doing.......
I was still 'happy'
so now I give myself 2 weeks to decide what to do.
Pray for me so that I can do what I need to.
Blog On!!
June 1st.
I have always said I don't hate it. Which I don't! Its very technical though. And my background is in nothing but customer service. Restuarant.
i left of course cause I had to. I mean my arthritis and my one friggin foot. (its been acting up again this week BTW) I'm nearly 37 and I'm not an idiot. Retirement isn't that far away.
I'd like to be able to provide for my daughter and myself. Get her to the dentist. Be able to stay home with her when she's sick. Stay home when I'm sick. The restaurant business is just not condusive to that. Unless you have a partner to back you.
The money is okay. Most of the time. Bla, bla, bla.
anyhow, its been a year and I am find I need to make a decision.
i'm average at this job. Not Great like I'd hoped. I need to be great.
I've had sooo many emotional and babysitting ups and downs over the last year. My mind just hasn't been on the job and leartning and doing.
I'm not totally happy in life and being at the restaurant did provide me with that.
Kind of an inner knowing my place happiness I guess. Although my boss, whom I love, made me nuts and didn't pay me for the job I was doing.......
I was still 'happy'
so now I give myself 2 weeks to decide what to do.
Pray for me so that I can do what I need to.
Blog On!!
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
In Like
So as it turns out I'm in like with someone.
There was no real distinct moment I can talk about that we met.
And its kind of a complicated situation.
This brings me to my not sleeping that I mentioned last week. All the thinking I've been doing.
thinking.
thinking.
thinking.
thinking about my past. Thinking about my past relationships. Things I did or didn't do. Things i should have done and things I shouldn't. Secrets I didn't tell that only came back to bite me in the ass later.
Patterns I have.
this of course brings me to my present situation.
My caring for another person besides myself and my daughter.
I am scared to make another mistake. I'm scared of my own choices.
The big pattern I have of the emotionally unavailable man.
He is not necessarily emotionally unavailable like the other men I've liked.......
however, he is definantly physically unavailable.
but is that a bad thing?
i never thought so.
Llike SF said, than you will be forced to go slow and he wont' get the chance to use you. Cause thats of course another Huge fear.
Being used for sex.
Cause I just seem to fall into that so easily.
I'll admit it.
i use sex to keep a man. I confuse sex with love or caring or just giving a shit when it comes to a man giving a shit about me.
So being physically unavailable in this instance could be a very good thing!
Afterall I am working on a year of celibacy here!!!
Getting to know one another for months first.....
He has expressed his affections for me and let me tell you......
i don't think you could even imagine how nice it sounds to have soemone say nice stuff back.
Or maybe you can.
Well for me its been a long time since I've heard soemone tell me they care for me.
But there are a lot of fears.
For both of us.
The huge one of course is rejection.
The next for me are my floating feelings for Mike. Although its Totally done. I am scared of bringing any baggage with me. Mostly jsut the unaswered questions that sitll float around in my head. I've already recognized some of the same questions coming out with this new like of mine. They rear their ugly heads in fears.
Yes he knows all about Mike. I know its not far from his mind either as he doesn't want to be next in a long line of men to hurt me. Or to be hurt.
So now Here I sit wondering what do i do?
I mean its not like i am EVER attracted to anyone.
Now all of a sudden this man basically falls out of the sky and holy carp!!
I mean i'm in like with him.
What The Hell!
it just pisses me off!
i'm in like with soemone that is physically unavailable to me. How different is that than emotionally?
I can tell him anything. I hope he feels as though he can do the same.
We talk every day and I get giddy when the phone rings at out agreed upon time. I love to hear his voice on the other end once i figure out how to answer it. I think about him so much in the day its jsut stupid. A smile creeps upon my face when i think of our conversations. Even the ones with the wierd tone. I find myself so curious about him and I want to know more all the time. the more I let him in.........
What if he's not strong enough to hold me up?
Then the fear comes.
We go the next step and...................go off a cliff!!!
What if the rest of "it" is not there!?
What if it just can't work?
I'm in like with someone and I'm enjoying it. A Lot!
But I'm scared to death
There was no real distinct moment I can talk about that we met.
And its kind of a complicated situation.
This brings me to my not sleeping that I mentioned last week. All the thinking I've been doing.
thinking.
thinking.
thinking.
thinking about my past. Thinking about my past relationships. Things I did or didn't do. Things i should have done and things I shouldn't. Secrets I didn't tell that only came back to bite me in the ass later.
Patterns I have.
this of course brings me to my present situation.
My caring for another person besides myself and my daughter.
I am scared to make another mistake. I'm scared of my own choices.
The big pattern I have of the emotionally unavailable man.
He is not necessarily emotionally unavailable like the other men I've liked.......
however, he is definantly physically unavailable.
but is that a bad thing?
i never thought so.
Llike SF said, than you will be forced to go slow and he wont' get the chance to use you. Cause thats of course another Huge fear.
Being used for sex.
Cause I just seem to fall into that so easily.
I'll admit it.
i use sex to keep a man. I confuse sex with love or caring or just giving a shit when it comes to a man giving a shit about me.
So being physically unavailable in this instance could be a very good thing!
Afterall I am working on a year of celibacy here!!!
Getting to know one another for months first.....
He has expressed his affections for me and let me tell you......
i don't think you could even imagine how nice it sounds to have soemone say nice stuff back.
Or maybe you can.
Well for me its been a long time since I've heard soemone tell me they care for me.
But there are a lot of fears.
For both of us.
The huge one of course is rejection.
The next for me are my floating feelings for Mike. Although its Totally done. I am scared of bringing any baggage with me. Mostly jsut the unaswered questions that sitll float around in my head. I've already recognized some of the same questions coming out with this new like of mine. They rear their ugly heads in fears.
Yes he knows all about Mike. I know its not far from his mind either as he doesn't want to be next in a long line of men to hurt me. Or to be hurt.
So now Here I sit wondering what do i do?
I mean its not like i am EVER attracted to anyone.
Now all of a sudden this man basically falls out of the sky and holy carp!!
I mean i'm in like with him.
What The Hell!
it just pisses me off!
i'm in like with soemone that is physically unavailable to me. How different is that than emotionally?
I can tell him anything. I hope he feels as though he can do the same.
We talk every day and I get giddy when the phone rings at out agreed upon time. I love to hear his voice on the other end once i figure out how to answer it. I think about him so much in the day its jsut stupid. A smile creeps upon my face when i think of our conversations. Even the ones with the wierd tone. I find myself so curious about him and I want to know more all the time. the more I let him in.........
What if he's not strong enough to hold me up?
Then the fear comes.
We go the next step and...................go off a cliff!!!
What if the rest of "it" is not there!?
What if it just can't work?
I'm in like with someone and I'm enjoying it. A Lot!
But I'm scared to death
Monday, May 15, 2006
This Phone of Mine is going to be the Death of me!
So my new phone that managed to give me soem grief this past weekend has managed to give me some grief again.
i do have to laugh at myself.
I played with it all last night. Deleting numbers adjusting settings......
yah well this Morning when my much anticipated call came at its regular time.....
damn it! I couldn't answer my phone!
I pushed the button! What more could there be?
I figured it out after a second.
The person calling could hear soemthing, but it wasn't me.
So now tonight again. I can't answer my phone when Maurice calls. Only this time I can hear his voice coming from somwhere.....
Where? Where the hell is it comign from!?!??
I hang up. He calls back. What The Hell! I jsut want to answer my phone!!!
After our converssation I hang up and stare at my phone a minute. I'm kinda scared of it now.
Its possesed I just know it.
Nope. not possesed. The user is an Idiot!!!
i had my headset turned on. so everytime I answered the phone it would go to my headset first. I was sitting next to my purse when I answered. His voice was coming out of my purse!!!
i am a moron.
For frigs sake.
i got a cool Bluetooth headset to wear for those calls i get while I'm drving to and from work.
So yah. Once I turned it off........
My phone worked fine.
i suppose though I've changed a bunch of settings I shouldn't have when I was fiddling around with it.
Frig!
As long as I didn't make any more FFFF calls to people I shouldn;t be...........I'm all good.
Blog on Dudes!!
i do have to laugh at myself.
I played with it all last night. Deleting numbers adjusting settings......
yah well this Morning when my much anticipated call came at its regular time.....
damn it! I couldn't answer my phone!
I pushed the button! What more could there be?
I figured it out after a second.
The person calling could hear soemthing, but it wasn't me.
So now tonight again. I can't answer my phone when Maurice calls. Only this time I can hear his voice coming from somwhere.....
Where? Where the hell is it comign from!?!??
I hang up. He calls back. What The Hell! I jsut want to answer my phone!!!
After our converssation I hang up and stare at my phone a minute. I'm kinda scared of it now.
Its possesed I just know it.
Nope. not possesed. The user is an Idiot!!!
i had my headset turned on. so everytime I answered the phone it would go to my headset first. I was sitting next to my purse when I answered. His voice was coming out of my purse!!!
i am a moron.
For frigs sake.
i got a cool Bluetooth headset to wear for those calls i get while I'm drving to and from work.
So yah. Once I turned it off........
My phone worked fine.
i suppose though I've changed a bunch of settings I shouldn't have when I was fiddling around with it.
Frig!
As long as I didn't make any more FFFF calls to people I shouldn;t be...........I'm all good.
Blog on Dudes!!
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Mother's Day!!
Tomorrow is my First Mother's day!!!
i am so excited.
But Kristi, you say.
Charlotte's 7, you are clearly on crack!
I have worked every Mothers day since Charlitte was a few months old. I was in the restaurant you know. Mothers Day Brunch is the busiest day of the year.
So I worked.
This year I will be taking my Mommy to Brunch!
I will be waited on.
Its going to be so great!
and eventhough my mom has pissed me off over the last few weeks by backing out of the whole babysitting thing..........
i still want to show my appreciation to her for the months that she did help us out. I know it was a HUGE committment for her. I'm still pissed about it all, but pissiness aside........
she is my mom and she did do her best. She just didn't look at the whole picture.
so Today is gorgeous.
got up. Bathed the cat. yah. i bathe my cat. It wa his first bath of the season. He's a white persian. So its his cross to bear in life. he must be bathed. We only bath him when its going to be a hot day cause it takes him forever to dry. He's 14. poor old guy.
tomorrow will be even hoter they say. so in order for Steph and I to have an actual relaxing Mom's day........
Charley and I might just grab our suits and towels and head over in the afternoon. A swim in the pool for her.
For SF and I.........
Malibu, diet coke and some relaxing time in the sun will be perfect.
Mr. F can man the children.
Although the Queen and her Jester pretty much man themselves once they are togehter.
Running and playing and making forts and riding bikes and just about doing whatever kids do when they are let loose on 5 acres of dirt, bush, trees, ditches...........
Its awesome!!
As long as we can hear them.......
its all good.
so happy Mothers day Ladies.
Muck SF d. DB Liz SAssy Leah Jojo Miss K Michelle doodah Doodle Nikki Dani Mother Damnable ........ ...........Carp! I've missed soemone I know it!
i am so excited.
But Kristi, you say.
Charlotte's 7, you are clearly on crack!
I have worked every Mothers day since Charlitte was a few months old. I was in the restaurant you know. Mothers Day Brunch is the busiest day of the year.
So I worked.
This year I will be taking my Mommy to Brunch!
I will be waited on.
Its going to be so great!
and eventhough my mom has pissed me off over the last few weeks by backing out of the whole babysitting thing..........
i still want to show my appreciation to her for the months that she did help us out. I know it was a HUGE committment for her. I'm still pissed about it all, but pissiness aside........
she is my mom and she did do her best. She just didn't look at the whole picture.
so Today is gorgeous.
got up. Bathed the cat. yah. i bathe my cat. It wa his first bath of the season. He's a white persian. So its his cross to bear in life. he must be bathed. We only bath him when its going to be a hot day cause it takes him forever to dry. He's 14. poor old guy.
tomorrow will be even hoter they say. so in order for Steph and I to have an actual relaxing Mom's day........
Charley and I might just grab our suits and towels and head over in the afternoon. A swim in the pool for her.
For SF and I.........
Malibu, diet coke and some relaxing time in the sun will be perfect.
Mr. F can man the children.
Although the Queen and her Jester pretty much man themselves once they are togehter.
Running and playing and making forts and riding bikes and just about doing whatever kids do when they are let loose on 5 acres of dirt, bush, trees, ditches...........
Its awesome!!
As long as we can hear them.......
its all good.
so happy Mothers day Ladies.
Muck SF d. DB Liz SAssy Leah Jojo Miss K Michelle doodah Doodle Nikki Dani Mother Damnable ........ ...........Carp! I've missed soemone I know it!
Friday, May 12, 2006
Can't Sleep
I lay there. Why am I not able to sleep?
I am tired.
i get up have a glass of wine.
That'll help......
nope.
I'm thinking.
About what?
well abut a lot of things.
Every time I open my eyes its 20 or an hour past the last time.
A tear rolled down my cheek as i drove into work yesterday morning. I passed the exit on the freeway where I would normally call Kim for our early mroning conversation. She'll be busy with both her daughters birthdays this month. Mothers Day.
I strggled with dialing her number on my new phone. What would I say? Would she pick up or just stare at my number on her call display? I turned up my radio to drown out my thoughts.
My thoughts came back when I layed my head on the pillow.
Thoughts of a new friend that I've made and my feelings for him.
thoughts of Muck and how much she means to me.
Steph and how she just doens't back down.
Doodle how its like time stood still.
Alicia. Pammy.....
FAmily.....sister, brother, mom, dad.....
Kim and how I cared for her how she didn't care for me.
Mike how I loved him and he didn't care for me.
I have people like Muck that are there. Have been there for forever. How did I know to choose her?
How is it that I managed to choose a lifelong committed relationship person when I was only 6!?!
I've chosen others that i was so clearly of no value to.
My thougts went to other childhood girlfriends that both Muck and I had to make some decisions about.
i wonder how they are. I miss them too every now and then.
would they fight for me like Muck?
like Steph?
I miss the friendship I had with Charlottes birth father, Jeff. Beyond his stupidity and bad choices he was a nice guy and we were very close for a couple years.
My best friend for years, Rob. Friends for 9 years till I had to make the choice. He married Jeff's sister.
I miss them too.
i have patterns in my life that are and keep being repeated. I try to recognize them before the bad patterns can form........
but sometimes when your in the middle of it and it feels right......
only cause you've done it before......
follow me?
so I layed in bed thinking.
Thinking.
thinking.
How can I take the good patterns and make sure those are the ones i follow now.
All the men I've loved have not been emotionally available. They have never been in love with me. Not one.
my girlfriends........
Love me, but I think sometiems I'm hard to deal with.
I'm not sad as much about the boyfriend, lover, girlfriend, break-up situation as much as I'm sad over the loss of the friendship.
The call to say "hey. You were on my mind and I thought I'd just call"
I don't bond like that with a lot of people. When i do though..........
its a lifetime!
Muck is a lifetime. We had to put each other thru a lot of Hell. And yes hell to be able to accept each other and be there for forever.
Will Steph be too? Or will she fall by the wayside like Kim? Not be strong enough.
After what I witnessed yesterday............I've got a fighter and a healthy friendship on my hands!
i don't think i need to worry.
I look for a male relationship that can hold up the same way.
have I been spoiled by Muck?
Is it possible to find?
That level of committment in the opposite sex............
and if it is.
WHERE THE HECK IS IT!!!!
I am tired.
i get up have a glass of wine.
That'll help......
nope.
I'm thinking.
About what?
well abut a lot of things.
Every time I open my eyes its 20 or an hour past the last time.
A tear rolled down my cheek as i drove into work yesterday morning. I passed the exit on the freeway where I would normally call Kim for our early mroning conversation. She'll be busy with both her daughters birthdays this month. Mothers Day.
I strggled with dialing her number on my new phone. What would I say? Would she pick up or just stare at my number on her call display? I turned up my radio to drown out my thoughts.
My thoughts came back when I layed my head on the pillow.
Thoughts of a new friend that I've made and my feelings for him.
thoughts of Muck and how much she means to me.
Steph and how she just doens't back down.
Doodle how its like time stood still.
Alicia. Pammy.....
FAmily.....sister, brother, mom, dad.....
Kim and how I cared for her how she didn't care for me.
Mike how I loved him and he didn't care for me.
I have people like Muck that are there. Have been there for forever. How did I know to choose her?
How is it that I managed to choose a lifelong committed relationship person when I was only 6!?!
I've chosen others that i was so clearly of no value to.
My thougts went to other childhood girlfriends that both Muck and I had to make some decisions about.
i wonder how they are. I miss them too every now and then.
would they fight for me like Muck?
like Steph?
I miss the friendship I had with Charlottes birth father, Jeff. Beyond his stupidity and bad choices he was a nice guy and we were very close for a couple years.
My best friend for years, Rob. Friends for 9 years till I had to make the choice. He married Jeff's sister.
I miss them too.
i have patterns in my life that are and keep being repeated. I try to recognize them before the bad patterns can form........
but sometimes when your in the middle of it and it feels right......
only cause you've done it before......
follow me?
so I layed in bed thinking.
Thinking.
thinking.
How can I take the good patterns and make sure those are the ones i follow now.
All the men I've loved have not been emotionally available. They have never been in love with me. Not one.
my girlfriends........
Love me, but I think sometiems I'm hard to deal with.
I'm not sad as much about the boyfriend, lover, girlfriend, break-up situation as much as I'm sad over the loss of the friendship.
The call to say "hey. You were on my mind and I thought I'd just call"
I don't bond like that with a lot of people. When i do though..........
its a lifetime!
Muck is a lifetime. We had to put each other thru a lot of Hell. And yes hell to be able to accept each other and be there for forever.
Will Steph be too? Or will she fall by the wayside like Kim? Not be strong enough.
After what I witnessed yesterday............I've got a fighter and a healthy friendship on my hands!
i don't think i need to worry.
I look for a male relationship that can hold up the same way.
have I been spoiled by Muck?
Is it possible to find?
That level of committment in the opposite sex............
and if it is.
WHERE THE HECK IS IT!!!!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Do The Doodlebug!!
I went to see my very dear friend the Doodlebug on Monday.
She was my old partner from many........oh so many years at the restaurant.
She was my old partner from many........oh so many years at the restaurant.
i haven't been much of a great friend to her over the last 8 months with all my self-centredness going on.
I often think of the wisdom she would bestow upon me with different comments. I've quoted her here a few times!
but there she is 25 minutes away and we rarely see each other.
Our lives so opposite schedules.
Frig!
Why the heck are things open on Sundays!!!
so many issues would be solved.
but that is a whole other post.
So Doodle is expecting her first born. This is her dream. Wife, Mother, unconditional love.......
i understand this dream very well as it is mine to.
I nearly cried at least 3 times during out visit.
i just wanted to hug her belly.
i'm sure she would have let me. I did after all inspect it and yell at the fetus. Cause....well....thats jsut what I do.
"you don't mind if i just sit here and caress your belly do you?"
I love that wee doodle/hobbit spawn already!
So we chatted and chatted. I lost track of time. I hadn't intended to stay so long. but once I was there in the comfort of my old friend........
it felt really good.
We of course did the baby chat.
women.
we gotta do the baby chat.
i am just so excited for her I can harldy contain myself. Mostly because i know this is her dream and I think its so wonderful that its able to come true for her.
Then we chatted about Kim.
i told her Kim and I haven't spoken.
'well i wouldn't either after what you've said!'
yah okay. point taken. But you would to confront me and tell me to FFF-off!
True.
i only wrote nasty shit AFTER she didn't return my calls or e-mails.
Yah see Doodle, jsut puts it out there and I like that.
We talked about mike.
This is of course is good cause I saw the Bug every morning.
i'm sure she remembers or recalls me getting money and giving me that sideways look like she did that morning when I started to go into it and then back peddled my way out just as fast.
The disapointment on her face and the "he didn't" passed her lips.
The giggle when his christmas gift was a sheepskin mattress cover.
She was real good at not letting me hide.
She was there for all the Mike crap.
Shifty is the word she used.
Ah....yes....'shifty'
you can't quite put your finger on it. But damn it! Its something. And its not in your head either!!!! You just don't quite know what the heck 'IT' is!
She hated or disliked him thru a good part of our relationship.
but as she was the good friend, she also understood why I went back.
Why I let him come back. Why my heart was there and still is.
She stood by me.
Loved him when i did, hated him with me, dispised him in private, and held me accountable for shit when she needed to.
We went up to the baby room. its so pretty.
I should have taken I picture of that too.
Oh well.
i will make a point of seeing her as I made that point of seeing Steph.
These are important women that I love. That love me back and accept me. Even for the Fucked up choices i make. And heck. I accept them!
I have come to conclusion though that the Bug is a slight Bitch.
she has only gained 27lbs in her pregnancy. I might have to dislike her till unless she hits the 35lb mark.
I gained 50 in my pregnancy. Therefore all the rest of you under that are clearly just bitches.
Seriously though. She looks Fantastic!
i could harldy believe it. Just amazing!
She is just baby and she is beautiful.
I can't wait for the little Hobbit Bug to arrive!
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
A Door
A window was opened last week.
I managed to pull the curtains over it and change rooms.
Just on Sunday, the door to the room where the window is opened.......
I can't seem to shut it. It seems to be stuck open or soemthing. I need to bolt it shut! I was trying really hard, but I think I need to jsut see if there's another room I can go into. I need to retreat. I can't look in the room any longer and I am unable to just stare at the open door. I turn my back and there's a mirror. I see myself with an open door behind me. A basement. Maybe there's a basement.
I can't find the door to outside.
That life is gone.
Its gone.
only I feel like I can't get away from it even when I try.
I hurt and I'm scared.
i'm scared i will feel like this forever.
Its too big.
its bigger than I am.
he's bigger than I am.
Hes' too big.
And I go back a step........
I managed to pull the curtains over it and change rooms.
Just on Sunday, the door to the room where the window is opened.......
I can't seem to shut it. It seems to be stuck open or soemthing. I need to bolt it shut! I was trying really hard, but I think I need to jsut see if there's another room I can go into. I need to retreat. I can't look in the room any longer and I am unable to just stare at the open door. I turn my back and there's a mirror. I see myself with an open door behind me. A basement. Maybe there's a basement.
I can't find the door to outside.
That life is gone.
Its gone.
only I feel like I can't get away from it even when I try.
I hurt and I'm scared.
i'm scared i will feel like this forever.
Its too big.
its bigger than I am.
he's bigger than I am.
Hes' too big.
And I go back a step........
Monday, May 08, 2006
I Threw her Tank Top out the Bathroom Window
So it was Charleys morning to not wake up in the best of moods.
I had an early call. so she awoke to me on the phone.
Apparently, that was a bad thing.
She had attitude all morning. Cranky littel so-and-so!
She needed that quiet mommy time.
So the morning starts.......the arguments......the 'get readys'.........the come eat your breakfast......the did you feed your rabbit.......
Then the spaghetti strap tank goes on. Then it goes on under her t-shirt. Then its sneaked on under her t-shirt.
I help her remove it and then she's leaping in front of me as I hold it over my head. She's trying to grab it.
So i did what any sane person would do..............
i tossed it out the open bathroom window.
I had an early call. so she awoke to me on the phone.
Apparently, that was a bad thing.
She had attitude all morning. Cranky littel so-and-so!
She needed that quiet mommy time.
So the morning starts.......the arguments......the 'get readys'.........the come eat your breakfast......the did you feed your rabbit.......
Then the spaghetti strap tank goes on. Then it goes on under her t-shirt. Then its sneaked on under her t-shirt.
I help her remove it and then she's leaping in front of me as I hold it over my head. She's trying to grab it.
So i did what any sane person would do..............
i tossed it out the open bathroom window.
I see You
I see you finding me......
Last week you linked in from the Tale last night by my own hand.
Hope you enjoy.
As long as its not the ones or twos I'm going from..........
its okay.
One of you knows he and her and the families. I hope you are not my mole.....
Last week you linked in from the Tale last night by my own hand.
Hope you enjoy.
As long as its not the ones or twos I'm going from..........
its okay.
One of you knows he and her and the families. I hope you are not my mole.....
Sunday, May 07, 2006
STEPH
WAHOOO!!!!
Check it out! My girlfriend SF started a Blog!
Yup. Thats right I got her hooked!
Blog On Steph!!!
Check it out! My girlfriend SF started a Blog!
Yup. Thats right I got her hooked!
Blog On Steph!!!
Mr. Big a.k.a......
Many times told me he was not a nice man.
It was not until recently it became clear to me why he would make such a comment.
Mr. Big.........dishonest in business. Dishonest in life.
He was constantly worried about being alone with my daughter. Afraid of being accused of something. I always wondered why..........
Why alwasy so worried?
Why always bring it up?
Why alwasy so scared?
The peices of the Big puzzle so all over the place. Never able to just put your finger on it, yah know.
And I'm still not sure.
Just know something wasn't right.
Oh Big. So many, many secrets.
Escorts.......
Lies.......
Dealings.......
You are not to be trusted. You were right when you told me that. I should have listened.
Now I know why.......
It was not until recently it became clear to me why he would make such a comment.
Mr. Big.........dishonest in business. Dishonest in life.
He was constantly worried about being alone with my daughter. Afraid of being accused of something. I always wondered why..........
Why alwasy so worried?
Why always bring it up?
Why alwasy so scared?
The peices of the Big puzzle so all over the place. Never able to just put your finger on it, yah know.
And I'm still not sure.
Just know something wasn't right.
Oh Big. So many, many secrets.
Escorts.......
Lies.......
Dealings.......
You are not to be trusted. You were right when you told me that. I should have listened.
Now I know why.......
Madonna
So Madonna is coming to Canada on her tour.
She is only coming to Montreal.
I am so very sad about this.
she's never. I mean NEVER played in Vancouver.
I've been trying to win tickets. But since the only Luck I have is bad luck............
I will sit here and Just be excited that she's on tour!
OOOGLENOTH!!
She is only coming to Montreal.
I am so very sad about this.
she's never. I mean NEVER played in Vancouver.
I've been trying to win tickets. But since the only Luck I have is bad luck............
I will sit here and Just be excited that she's on tour!
OOOGLENOTH!!
Saturday, May 06, 2006
another fun Quiz from Leah.....
| The Keys to Your Heart |
 In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted. |
What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
How old Were you When you Were Seven?
So i guess that since Charlitte is not recognized by the government as being a child......niether should I???
They just passed this thing where if you have a child under 7 you get 100bux form the government.
Last fall they passed a thing where if you had a child under 7 you were subsidized more for daycare so you cuold work.
Are children over 7 supposed to have jobs?
Are they supposed to not eat or grow or play as much as the younger child?
Now don't get me wrong I'm all for the getting of the help thing. But why is it that children over 7 are penalized on both counts for their age?
Daycare.....fine. It costs more to daycare a younger child. I get that. However, the other..............
Don't get that at all.
As a matter-of-fact I'm really NOT 'getting' that.
They just passed this thing where if you have a child under 7 you get 100bux form the government.
Last fall they passed a thing where if you had a child under 7 you were subsidized more for daycare so you cuold work.
Are children over 7 supposed to have jobs?
Are they supposed to not eat or grow or play as much as the younger child?
Now don't get me wrong I'm all for the getting of the help thing. But why is it that children over 7 are penalized on both counts for their age?
Daycare.....fine. It costs more to daycare a younger child. I get that. However, the other..............
Don't get that at all.
As a matter-of-fact I'm really NOT 'getting' that.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Toilet Paper
So we are a little late getting it togehter this morning 'cause Charley got up too early. the routine gets thrown off when she too much time in the morning.
Fine. I don't get Kristi time.
To blog, drink my coffee, and stare into space.
Fine.
I get to work.
Do my morning thing here.
Grab the garbage to take to the dumpster.
The dumpster is not there.
Frig!
So I take the bag of garbage with me to my next stop.....the bathroom.
i sit. I pee. I reach up into the toilet paper double roll holder holder thing.
NOTHING!
you have got to be kidding me.
the bathroom is empty.
The Mall isn't open.
What the Hell do i do.
i sit. I drip. I scrounge for the bits of paper to come off the cardboard rolls that I can feel. hmmmm. did the person before me do the same thing. I wait for a miracle.
Now, my store is open. Now I wait for the next person to come on at 11 so I can take a jaunt down to La Senza and pick up some new panties.
Funny.
i just don't feel as 'fresh' as i did when i left the house.
Fine. I don't get Kristi time.
To blog, drink my coffee, and stare into space.
Fine.
I get to work.
Do my morning thing here.
Grab the garbage to take to the dumpster.
The dumpster is not there.
Frig!
So I take the bag of garbage with me to my next stop.....the bathroom.
i sit. I pee. I reach up into the toilet paper double roll holder holder thing.
NOTHING!
you have got to be kidding me.
the bathroom is empty.
The Mall isn't open.
What the Hell do i do.
i sit. I drip. I scrounge for the bits of paper to come off the cardboard rolls that I can feel. hmmmm. did the person before me do the same thing. I wait for a miracle.
Now, my store is open. Now I wait for the next person to come on at 11 so I can take a jaunt down to La Senza and pick up some new panties.
Funny.
i just don't feel as 'fresh' as i did when i left the house.
...cont. mom...and stuff...
Okay.
So the babysittig thing is an issue. But I think its an everyone issue. Some have more support than others./.........I just don't happen to be one of those people. But I hope to be soon!!!
You get the idea that my family. My parents were the big pushers in me leaving my job. Others pushed too. ie...friends. But I've never been one to give in to peer pressure. However......
Parents that raised me and controlled my every decision when I lived there......
Yeah. They had some influence.
Besides the fact that.....and I hate to admit this....they were right. It was time for me to make an adjustment as far as my job went.
So its been a struggle over the last year for sitters and what not. I finally make more money and recieve more money and it goes out in daycare costs and gas. So in the end I have just as much money as I did before.
i thought getting ahead was what it was all about...........
Hmmmmm..........Oh well. Such is life I suppose. As I've learned we are all trying ot get ahead and it doesn't always happen so you find the positive in it.
i do have benefits and a pension now!
That is a huge Plus!
YaY!! we can go to the dentist! Very Huge Plus. So money.........
Heck. The fringe stuff is worth it!!
This brings me once again to my Vegas trip.
Parents........never wanted me to go the first time.
they don't get it. don't see why I need to travel. They never did, which of course is why my first Jet Plane ride took place last November.
Yah. Thats right. Never been on a big plane till TK took me last November just after my birthday. Just so happen the plane landed in Vegas and I had the best time of my life!
So of course I want to go again. Riding the plane was fairly simple. I might have troubles in the airport trying to figure out how to get on the plane more than the actual ride itself. Although, the engines slowing down and the turning I could do without if it were possible.
Vegas is something you can do fairly cheap and still have a most marvelous time.
So i announce I want to go again.
The unit gets pissed.
I don't need to go.
Your first job is to be a mother. We never went anywhere. We don't and can;'t go anywhere now. (i am quite aware of the bed a made and am now laying in. I am ALWAYS a mother first)
So Go!! I say.
I even sat with them a few months ago and let them know that for 3 weeks in July Charley will be at camp and then she and I have vacation time. so I definantly won't need them. I arranged it that way specifically so they would have as much time as I could possible manage. So go away I say to them.
On no we can't. The dog and the house and dad can't be in the heat and.........
okay. you know what? bite me!
I of course dig in my heels. Who cares if I need to go or not. I'm going!
They have been all negative about it for the last few months. putting the whole idea and myself down for it.
When suddenly my mother gets the brilliant brainwave......
if she refuses to babysit theres no way I can go.
so thats where I am at right now.
i have adjusted my work schedule with the help of Bosslady, and SF so that I can try to get my life back on track and not have my parents a part of it.
The non-Vegas thing is a power trip, control.
Where theres a will theres a way.....
My parents are always teeling me how i need top get out. My mom even cut out an ad in the paper for speed dating for me. When I was sad she was throwing suggestions out that I should join a club. Go to church.
Thats her biggest thing. "go to church"...........
okay so my parental unit whine done once again..........for now.
Charlitte got up with me this morning! 6:30AM!
Frig! I have not had 'my time'
she keeps talking to me. Grrrrr. Leave me till 7:30! Then talk to me all you want.
I will go to work and see if my phone comes today!
Blog On dudes!!
So the babysittig thing is an issue. But I think its an everyone issue. Some have more support than others./.........I just don't happen to be one of those people. But I hope to be soon!!!
You get the idea that my family. My parents were the big pushers in me leaving my job. Others pushed too. ie...friends. But I've never been one to give in to peer pressure. However......
Parents that raised me and controlled my every decision when I lived there......
Yeah. They had some influence.
Besides the fact that.....and I hate to admit this....they were right. It was time for me to make an adjustment as far as my job went.
So its been a struggle over the last year for sitters and what not. I finally make more money and recieve more money and it goes out in daycare costs and gas. So in the end I have just as much money as I did before.
i thought getting ahead was what it was all about...........
Hmmmmm..........Oh well. Such is life I suppose. As I've learned we are all trying ot get ahead and it doesn't always happen so you find the positive in it.
i do have benefits and a pension now!
That is a huge Plus!
YaY!! we can go to the dentist! Very Huge Plus. So money.........
Heck. The fringe stuff is worth it!!
This brings me once again to my Vegas trip.
Parents........never wanted me to go the first time.
they don't get it. don't see why I need to travel. They never did, which of course is why my first Jet Plane ride took place last November.
Yah. Thats right. Never been on a big plane till TK took me last November just after my birthday. Just so happen the plane landed in Vegas and I had the best time of my life!
So of course I want to go again. Riding the plane was fairly simple. I might have troubles in the airport trying to figure out how to get on the plane more than the actual ride itself. Although, the engines slowing down and the turning I could do without if it were possible.
Vegas is something you can do fairly cheap and still have a most marvelous time.
So i announce I want to go again.
The unit gets pissed.
I don't need to go.
Your first job is to be a mother. We never went anywhere. We don't and can;'t go anywhere now. (i am quite aware of the bed a made and am now laying in. I am ALWAYS a mother first)
So Go!! I say.
I even sat with them a few months ago and let them know that for 3 weeks in July Charley will be at camp and then she and I have vacation time. so I definantly won't need them. I arranged it that way specifically so they would have as much time as I could possible manage. So go away I say to them.
On no we can't. The dog and the house and dad can't be in the heat and.........
okay. you know what? bite me!
I of course dig in my heels. Who cares if I need to go or not. I'm going!
They have been all negative about it for the last few months. putting the whole idea and myself down for it.
When suddenly my mother gets the brilliant brainwave......
if she refuses to babysit theres no way I can go.
so thats where I am at right now.
i have adjusted my work schedule with the help of Bosslady, and SF so that I can try to get my life back on track and not have my parents a part of it.
The non-Vegas thing is a power trip, control.
Where theres a will theres a way.....
My parents are always teeling me how i need top get out. My mom even cut out an ad in the paper for speed dating for me. When I was sad she was throwing suggestions out that I should join a club. Go to church.
Thats her biggest thing. "go to church"...........
okay so my parental unit whine done once again..........for now.
Charlitte got up with me this morning! 6:30AM!
Frig! I have not had 'my time'
she keeps talking to me. Grrrrr. Leave me till 7:30! Then talk to me all you want.
I will go to work and see if my phone comes today!
Blog On dudes!!
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Nokia
My New phone has been shipped!
i'm so excited!!!
normally I'm a Motorola fan. Even though Motorola is not as reliable as Samsung and Nokia. But thats what I like. Its a menu thing/
Anyhow......
My company has cut a deal with Nokia. We as employees are able to buy the phone at a seriously discounted price. So I ordered it! $170 after taxes. YaY for me!
Normally it would cost $500. But cause I'm special, I'm getting a deal.
I love Deals!!!
So I went for it!
My current phone......motorola......has seen better days.
Poor thing.
Reception is getting quite bad. It actually turned off in the middle of a conversation the morning.
Caused the person i was talking to some panick.
Thought I was one of those people that accidented my car while chatting on my cell phone.
Don'tcha jsut hate those people?!?
so a new phone is in order and on order! Haha!
This phone will also have Bluetooth, so I can get a wireless headset and be all trekky. this something I totally intend on doing of course.
Be one of those people you see walkin around talkin to themselves!
yup thats me!
Nokia 6682!
I can't wait till you get here!
As I'm sure non of this makes any sense to most of you as what the Hell and who cares about a phone........
but hey. Thats what I do. so there.
i'm so excited!!!
normally I'm a Motorola fan. Even though Motorola is not as reliable as Samsung and Nokia. But thats what I like. Its a menu thing/
Anyhow......
My company has cut a deal with Nokia. We as employees are able to buy the phone at a seriously discounted price. So I ordered it! $170 after taxes. YaY for me!
Normally it would cost $500. But cause I'm special, I'm getting a deal.
I love Deals!!!
So I went for it!
My current phone......motorola......has seen better days.
Poor thing.
Reception is getting quite bad. It actually turned off in the middle of a conversation the morning.
Caused the person i was talking to some panick.
Thought I was one of those people that accidented my car while chatting on my cell phone.
Don'tcha jsut hate those people?!?
so a new phone is in order and on order! Haha!
This phone will also have Bluetooth, so I can get a wireless headset and be all trekky. this something I totally intend on doing of course.
Be one of those people you see walkin around talkin to themselves!
yup thats me!
Nokia 6682!
I can't wait till you get here!
As I'm sure non of this makes any sense to most of you as what the Hell and who cares about a phone........
but hey. Thats what I do. so there.
mother and Sitting and Stuff
WEll before my good friend Larry freaked me out and vanished from his blog .....................I had stuff.
So lets turn back the clock for a moment shall we.
It was a year and a half ago. Novemeber 2004. I started to seriously think about leaving the restaurant. A very hard decision t make. After all.....at that point I had been there 8 years. I loved what I was doing. I had wanted to retire there.
however, I was not getting paid what I was worth and there was kaos all around as my boss yet again didn't value my position. Bla, bla, bla.
so Everyone said LeaVE!
Well there was a lot to consider.
i mean. I was the Boss. I had total control over my schedule. i worked Monday to Friday lunchs. From home in the evening. Charley was in daycare and it all worked. I didn't have to scrounge for early mornings or late nights. It was all good.
About every 6 weeks my parents would take Charlotte over night on the weekend and Mike and I could have a real date.
Yah. Thats right every 6 weeks or so we'd have a real date. no wonder he coudn't, didn't, we weren't able to ahve a decent relationship. Like the Doodlebug said, "its hard to fall in love with someone when you aren't getting that quality time together" The constant interuption of kids!
Thats another post......
So My parents and family start to encourage, push, me to start looking for another job. "think about your future. Think about Charley's. you're not getting any younger you know"
Yah. They were right.
Not so much of a future there. Benefits? Pension? These were some things I needed to think about. I was on my own. My relationship was seriuosly heading south with Mike and I was having a struggle supporting The Queen and myself.
so I started talkig to my family about me and a new job........
'It'll be nights you know'
'Weekends'
'if i work another restaurant my schedule will be all over the place'
Yah see dAycare ends at 6PM then you have to find someone else. And then how fair is it for Charlitte to be shipped all over and never see her mommy? Or her home for that fact.
so then there';s the guilt that all working parents get eating away at me.
i was probably in really great shape cause of that too!
Hahaha!
"don't worry. we'll be there. We'll help."
My brother got transferred within his company in January 2005. He's now 4 hours away. I now only have my parents to help.
"its okay Kristi. Just get ot of there"
I was dragging my heels. I had come to the conclusion that after 16 years in the service industry it was time to leave.
My arthritis in my hand. The foot issue getting worse. Although, I was in fantastic Shape and have a Great Ass becuase of it!
I used to be able to lift a Keg! No not a pony Keg. A full sized one! Only a cuple inches off the ground, but still. I was in great shape. And freakishly strong for a girl.
So I was looking for some kind of other job.
I applied with my brothers company.
many, many months later they called and i got the job! Exactly a year ago actually. I gave my 4 weeks notice at the restuarant and I left.
So my hours aren't so bad.
i mean on a Tuesday i am working 9 to 6. By the time I get home its 7.
1 or 2 nights a week and every Sunday.
But at first that screwed me for mainstream daycare.
Mom says don't worry.
Fire daycare. I'll do it.
Mom thats a huge committment. Thats every day. Thats picking her up from school. Thats.............
yah i know. don't worry i'll do it.
So I fire the daycare.
a month and a half later........she tells me she doens't want to do it anymore............
anyhow.
Thats just where I'm at and this is getting long and its time for me to excercise a bit before my darling Queen awakes from her slumber.
so maybe i finish it later maybe I don't.
But I think you get the jist without my going into Super detail!
Blog on Kids!
Even you Larry!!!
So lets turn back the clock for a moment shall we.
It was a year and a half ago. Novemeber 2004. I started to seriously think about leaving the restaurant. A very hard decision t make. After all.....at that point I had been there 8 years. I loved what I was doing. I had wanted to retire there.
however, I was not getting paid what I was worth and there was kaos all around as my boss yet again didn't value my position. Bla, bla, bla.
so Everyone said LeaVE!
Well there was a lot to consider.
i mean. I was the Boss. I had total control over my schedule. i worked Monday to Friday lunchs. From home in the evening. Charley was in daycare and it all worked. I didn't have to scrounge for early mornings or late nights. It was all good.
About every 6 weeks my parents would take Charlotte over night on the weekend and Mike and I could have a real date.
Yah. Thats right every 6 weeks or so we'd have a real date. no wonder he coudn't, didn't, we weren't able to ahve a decent relationship. Like the Doodlebug said, "its hard to fall in love with someone when you aren't getting that quality time together" The constant interuption of kids!
Thats another post......
So My parents and family start to encourage, push, me to start looking for another job. "think about your future. Think about Charley's. you're not getting any younger you know"
Yah. They were right.
Not so much of a future there. Benefits? Pension? These were some things I needed to think about. I was on my own. My relationship was seriuosly heading south with Mike and I was having a struggle supporting The Queen and myself.
so I started talkig to my family about me and a new job........
'It'll be nights you know'
'Weekends'
'if i work another restaurant my schedule will be all over the place'
Yah see dAycare ends at 6PM then you have to find someone else. And then how fair is it for Charlitte to be shipped all over and never see her mommy? Or her home for that fact.
so then there';s the guilt that all working parents get eating away at me.
i was probably in really great shape cause of that too!
Hahaha!
"don't worry. we'll be there. We'll help."
My brother got transferred within his company in January 2005. He's now 4 hours away. I now only have my parents to help.
"its okay Kristi. Just get ot of there"
I was dragging my heels. I had come to the conclusion that after 16 years in the service industry it was time to leave.
My arthritis in my hand. The foot issue getting worse. Although, I was in fantastic Shape and have a Great Ass becuase of it!
I used to be able to lift a Keg! No not a pony Keg. A full sized one! Only a cuple inches off the ground, but still. I was in great shape. And freakishly strong for a girl.
So I was looking for some kind of other job.
I applied with my brothers company.
many, many months later they called and i got the job! Exactly a year ago actually. I gave my 4 weeks notice at the restuarant and I left.
So my hours aren't so bad.
i mean on a Tuesday i am working 9 to 6. By the time I get home its 7.
1 or 2 nights a week and every Sunday.
But at first that screwed me for mainstream daycare.
Mom says don't worry.
Fire daycare. I'll do it.
Mom thats a huge committment. Thats every day. Thats picking her up from school. Thats.............
yah i know. don't worry i'll do it.
So I fire the daycare.
a month and a half later........she tells me she doens't want to do it anymore............
anyhow.
Thats just where I'm at and this is getting long and its time for me to excercise a bit before my darling Queen awakes from her slumber.
so maybe i finish it later maybe I don't.
But I think you get the jist without my going into Super detail!
Blog on Kids!
Even you Larry!!!
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
What?!?!?
A fallen Blogger!
What The hell happpened?
I go to see....go to check.....he's anounced 'he's done'
Who said what to whom and What The Hell!
Larry is my friend, whom I like very much. I am quite upset about this.
I mailed and I have yet to hear from him.
i called and i got voicemail.
Larry is a funny guy. Fabulous sense of humour. He tells the truth cause what else is there. His heart is huge......
Larry! Darling! What has happened?
you've just got to ...........Blog On!!
What The hell happpened?
I go to see....go to check.....he's anounced 'he's done'
Who said what to whom and What The Hell!
Larry is my friend, whom I like very much. I am quite upset about this.
I mailed and I have yet to hear from him.
i called and i got voicemail.
Larry is a funny guy. Fabulous sense of humour. He tells the truth cause what else is there. His heart is huge......
Larry! Darling! What has happened?
you've just got to ...........Blog On!!
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
mother
so i am not altogether sure if Vegas is going to happen.
i am sooo upset about it.
my mom has been saying all this stuff about being available for my brother if the sister-in-law needs help cause of her colitis and the pregnancy.
well after further discussion.....
I come to learn that the REAL reason is that she doens't want me going to Vegas.
so if she won't babysit Charley for me for 4 days how am I supposed to go.
Frig!
There's more to blog about on this topic. but its already late and I have an early morning meeting. so later Dudes!
i am sooo upset about it.
my mom has been saying all this stuff about being available for my brother if the sister-in-law needs help cause of her colitis and the pregnancy.
well after further discussion.....
I come to learn that the REAL reason is that she doens't want me going to Vegas.
so if she won't babysit Charley for me for 4 days how am I supposed to go.
Frig!
There's more to blog about on this topic. but its already late and I have an early morning meeting. so later Dudes!
Forget the Whoremones.....
what is with this friggin Anxiety attack!
Had one on Sunday too!
What The Hell!
Had one on Sunday too!
What The Hell!
Monday, May 01, 2006
Here I am again.....
So here I am again.
if you've found me great!
I will jsut have to be a little more careful is all.
Last time I left a link for a day on my old blog. This time non of that Tom foolery!!
i just moved.
I've moved a bunch of my posts too. Just cause....
more than anything.
SF and I put our thinking caps on this morning and came up with that it must have been Kims husband. Kim is not quick enough with the computer. Or with anything for that fact. Or course she could fool me. she did fool me about the other stuff I that I thought she'd never pull.
Whatever the drive was......Whatever. I've moved again!
I am now going thru my e-mail addresses so that I can notify people.
I've narrowed down the leaky culprit too.
So I'm all good I think.
Just want to say goodbye to that bit of my life thank you!
Friggin!
So now on to more interesting Kristi type things.
What is up with my hormones!?!
I mean come on already.
Yesterday nautious and dizzy.
Now today horny and migrainey!
Friggin ovulation let me tell you.
I've been in a major hormonal slump for months cause of all the depression and crap.
All of a sudden..............
They are just makin a HUGE comeback!
Nice but very frustrating all at the same time. Cause what The hell am I supposed to do with that? The horny factor? I am not a whore and i'm not promiscuous by any means. so what am I supposed to do with this insatiable sex-drive? This sucks. I need a lover.
And the Migraine. the FFFFFF migraine. I can't stand it. I get the nauseua before the actual headache! How much does that suck?
I've upped my intake of Calcium. That seems to be helping.
Keep away from red wine, chocolate, and nuts.
well Carp! Thats my diet!
WEll I'm off to get my mails togehter so i can let y'all know where I'm at!
Blog On Dudes!!!
if you've found me great!
I will jsut have to be a little more careful is all.
Last time I left a link for a day on my old blog. This time non of that Tom foolery!!
i just moved.
I've moved a bunch of my posts too. Just cause....
more than anything.
SF and I put our thinking caps on this morning and came up with that it must have been Kims husband. Kim is not quick enough with the computer. Or with anything for that fact. Or course she could fool me. she did fool me about the other stuff I that I thought she'd never pull.
Whatever the drive was......Whatever. I've moved again!
I am now going thru my e-mail addresses so that I can notify people.
I've narrowed down the leaky culprit too.
So I'm all good I think.
Just want to say goodbye to that bit of my life thank you!
Friggin!
So now on to more interesting Kristi type things.
What is up with my hormones!?!
I mean come on already.
Yesterday nautious and dizzy.
Now today horny and migrainey!
Friggin ovulation let me tell you.
I've been in a major hormonal slump for months cause of all the depression and crap.
All of a sudden..............
They are just makin a HUGE comeback!
Nice but very frustrating all at the same time. Cause what The hell am I supposed to do with that? The horny factor? I am not a whore and i'm not promiscuous by any means. so what am I supposed to do with this insatiable sex-drive? This sucks. I need a lover.
And the Migraine. the FFFFFF migraine. I can't stand it. I get the nauseua before the actual headache! How much does that suck?
I've upped my intake of Calcium. That seems to be helping.
Keep away from red wine, chocolate, and nuts.
well Carp! Thats my diet!
WEll I'm off to get my mails togehter so i can let y'all know where I'm at!
Blog On Dudes!!!