I lay there. Why am I not able to sleep?
I am tired.
i get up have a glass of wine.
That'll help......
nope.
I'm thinking.
About what?
well abut a lot of things.
Every time I open my eyes its 20 or an hour past the last time.
A tear rolled down my cheek as i drove into work yesterday morning. I passed the exit on the freeway where I would normally call Kim for our early mroning conversation. She'll be busy with both her daughters birthdays this month. Mothers Day.
I strggled with dialing her number on my new phone. What would I say? Would she pick up or just stare at my number on her call display? I turned up my radio to drown out my thoughts.
My thoughts came back when I layed my head on the pillow.
Thoughts of a new friend that I've made and my feelings for him.
thoughts of Muck and how much she means to me.
Steph and how she just doens't back down.
Doodle how its like time stood still.
Alicia. Pammy.....
FAmily.....sister, brother, mom, dad.....
Kim and how I cared for her how she didn't care for me.
Mike how I loved him and he didn't care for me.
I have people like Muck that are there. Have been there for forever. How did I know to choose her?
How is it that I managed to choose a lifelong committed relationship person when I was only 6!?!
I've chosen others that i was so clearly of no value to.
My thougts went to other childhood girlfriends that both Muck and I had to make some decisions about.
i wonder how they are. I miss them too every now and then.
would they fight for me like Muck?
like Steph?
I miss the friendship I had with Charlottes birth father, Jeff. Beyond his stupidity and bad choices he was a nice guy and we were very close for a couple years.
My best friend for years, Rob. Friends for 9 years till I had to make the choice. He married Jeff's sister.
I miss them too.
i have patterns in my life that are and keep being repeated. I try to recognize them before the bad patterns can form........
but sometimes when your in the middle of it and it feels right......
only cause you've done it before......
follow me?
so I layed in bed thinking.
Thinking.
thinking.
How can I take the good patterns and make sure those are the ones i follow now.
All the men I've loved have not been emotionally available. They have never been in love with me. Not one.
my girlfriends........
Love me, but I think sometiems I'm hard to deal with.
I'm not sad as much about the boyfriend, lover, girlfriend, break-up situation as much as I'm sad over the loss of the friendship.
The call to say "hey. You were on my mind and I thought I'd just call"
I don't bond like that with a lot of people. When i do though..........
its a lifetime!
Muck is a lifetime. We had to put each other thru a lot of Hell. And yes hell to be able to accept each other and be there for forever.
Will Steph be too? Or will she fall by the wayside like Kim? Not be strong enough.
After what I witnessed yesterday............I've got a fighter and a healthy friendship on my hands!
i don't think i need to worry.
I look for a male relationship that can hold up the same way.
have I been spoiled by Muck?
Is it possible to find?
That level of committment in the opposite sex............
and if it is.
WHERE THE HECK IS IT!!!!
7 comments:
I'm in the same boat as you except I don't even have a Muck to lean on. I don't have anyone strong enough to hold me up...
love ya chickie!!!!
it's great how you let it all hang out.
it is amazing how we seem to be almost in the same place in life. it will all come together for both of us. i believe that with all my heart..
I think you can find the man of your dreams, but I will say what I always say to women: Find out about about a man BEFORE you get involved with him. Talk to people who worked with him or have known him for a long time. Character rarely changes quickly, so people leave a character trail wherever they go.
You reminded me so much of friend of mine in this post. We've known each other forever, we've watched each other make choices, sometimes very questionable choices. She's driven me crazy more than once, I've cried buckets in sadness over what she's had to go through and what she is going through. When she got married she hesitated to ask me to be her Maid of honour as she new I didn't want her to marry this guy, I couldn't see it ending anyway but badly. She wasn't sure I'd want to stand up with her, what she failed to realize was that although she knew where I stood on the relationship I would stand by HER as she was the important one to me. She was the one I wanted to support, let her know she was worth supporting. She's now a single parent of 4 and I am continually amazed by her strength, I respect her resolve to do the best she can.
I respect you Kristi and the amazing job you are doing. You will meet a man one day who is worthy of you, I have faith in that.
Sorry this got long (BLAH BLAH BLAH!!)
There are still some really genuine people out there and they will stick with you, but there are definitely seasons in life. When things are tough we can all be hard to deal with. The important thing is to be yourself. When you can be yourself and people still love you, they are your true friends. :-)
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