I feel like Carp!

not carp in the sick sense but carp in ......... i don't know. I just don't feel right.

Know what I mean? My nose is runny. I am tired. My fat has invited relatives in for the holidays.......

Christmas

jsut dawned on me.......

this will be MY first Christmas not at my mom & dads.

Mall Walk

just because you are over 60 doesn't mean that farting, while walking with your partner, while in front of me is not still considered DISGUSTING!!!!

Man-a-livin!!!! did you wipe after that old man?!!

it was loud. and Just when I thought it he was done ......... he kept right on letting it out.

Yup. Loud and Long and I had a front row seat!

I can't wait till I'm over 60. I wonder what else the over 60 see as acceptable in public.

Hmmmmmm

now to go over my expectations list and write out a good copy so that Mountain can give it to Leah

room-mates - Merging Lives

We are still a couple months off to him being here full-time.

but its come up - Money?

How are we doing the bills? How much do i want from him? How do we do this?

So how do we do this - how do you do it?

Alvin the hip termite is such an Asssssss!

Depressed Pig

poor Le Fleur

she is suffering from depression. Since we got the cats she has changed. Poor little thing. Her eating habits have changed. C has not been spending time with her........

Awwwww.

had her out today and the cats groomed her while she ate an orange. I'll get her spirits to lift. She's probably not getting enough Vit. C either.

Poor Pig!

4 weeks

So it was exactly 4 wks this weekend since my last relapse (Oct. 21) So I guess 4 weeks of healing and finally now only feeling the termite in my hip is a drop in the bucket from the 6 and a bit months of walking issues. I jsut gotta relax and keep doing what I am doing. I guess as long as the Termite is still alive, strong and chewing on my hip there is still a chance i could easily relapse again. Just cause my pain tolerance is stupid doens't mean I am not still injured.

reminds me of when I broke my ribs - What a Nut!

I was told that my limp appears to be gone now! YaY! I am happy. Reality is, I will Never be back where I was. I will always have to be careful and aware of my back now. I'm sure it will "go out" on occasion. but at least I can walk and for that I am glad. I think you are very Right Steph. a Physical job is not for me any longer.

I still think its sooo wierd that its my back that is the problem, yet I feel it in my hip.............Bizaar

Fudge I Hate this - Limbo sucks Butt. And this Termite is annoying! So close but oh soooo far still

Expectations

definition of Child - 12 & under - as 12 approaches the expectations start to bend.....

Clothing= Black t-shirts are a no no. Navy blue is on the cusp.

sayings on t-shirts that promote attitude ie - "little miss bad" or "princess"

gold or silver screen print on T-shirts

SKULL & CROSSBONES - i don't care if its pink or the skull has a smile or they are in the shape of a heart. NO. skulls on shirts, pants, books, bookbags .......... Socks I can deal with cuz they get covered.

if i would wear taht outfit were would I be? If the answer is a GoGo dancer in a cage above a crowd in a bar - you are not leaving the house lookin' like that!

Leggings - leggings don't run like nylons. Lace at the bottom of leggings.

short skirts are a No. Unless leggings are underneath. Tight fitting skirts - NO. I don't care if its denim. if its denim and long, we can talk about it. 3 inches above the knee for a skirt without anything underneath.

tank tops, 3 inches on the shoulders, unless its summer - they are totally negotiable

shoes - heels are just a no, no till the age of 10 and then they are very short and tasteful. and Then they are only worn for special occasions.

Hair MUST be combed/brushed and kept out of the face. If its let to be down it gets brushed more than once a day. Thats if its long hair. Short hair just has to be out of the eyes

tattling is a No

if one parent says somehting don't go to the other parent to see if the answer is different

bikinis No - tankinis ok

the term Oh My G_d - its hard when I hear adults saying it, but when I hear children.......and the ones that do say it, say it constantly it seems

Lying pisses me off. There is truth avoiding and then there is a bold-faced lie. The bold faced stuff really bugs me.

Fake tears. Not a fan.

tears for no reason, also not a fan. If you wanna cry ........ I'll give you something to cry about!

i soooo have a moderate Teaghan vent in my brain..............

MOM

I really gotta jsut NOT talk to my mom. ARG!

Stalked

So I stalked Aquafit last night! (Kid was skating with a friend. What is it with parents that just leave there kids? They're only 11....)

I am up I am ready to try their 9AM class! There is an awful lot of bouncing, could be a problem, but I want to try anyhow. Its also a problem that its 6bux to take this stupid class! but if it works I will try to get my Doc to right me a prescription type thing for it and My lawyer can submit it to the people and see if they will pay for it. That would be cool and then I will fersure get stronger and all will be well! YAH! or it will be proven to me, during this 45 min. water work out just why I am not at work!

this is my plan for today.

Wish me Luck!

Blog On

Bored

Funny thing. I am bored here at home. I am not allowed to look at job postings so now my new thing......i look up contests! and I enter them! Maybe I WILL win a $50 000 kitchen make-over or that new cx7!

You just don't know and you defiantly won't win if you don't enter.

Blog On!

Cats

Yup - I am one of those people

the cats are ready for Christmas

they now have festive collars!

and they Love them :)

I CAn't Handle the Truth

I Don't want to listen.

I feel pretty good this week. So i was a little stiff after sitting for lunch today after a couple hours.

i can walk! So much different than a few months ago. So I'm a little stiff, much better than being super stiff after sitting for a few hours.

This EI - medical leave thing is set-up funky. Why can't I go back part-time and see if I can do it? and Then if I can Great! Off I go then.

if I can't, then let me be back on disablity and i will sit in shame and have it be proven to myself that I really can't.

and I am NOT ALLOWED to look for other work that might be less physical. Thats right NOT ALLOWED. If I apply or look for another job........they will cut me off.

its Millers or nothing.

Everybody is hiring right now! I want to be one of the ones Hired!

I thought about jsut going back. Just doing it! but I am so scared that I won't be able to physically handle it and end up in that horrific pain again. So Scared. I can't beleive I worked through that. It was awful.

I mean, if the pain is so bad that I can't even preform my "wifely" duties......its a lot of pain.

and Then if I do end up hooped cuz i went back - disability won't take me back, cuz I am a fuck up!

I am in such stupid stupid Limbo right now. So - so - close to being well....but not well enough. FUDGE!

being told that I am basically useless right now.......I'm gonna try the pool thing again and see if I can get some more positive results

blog On

I'll Be Home For Christmas

Went and spoke with EI people today.

I am NOT to look for work. I HAVE to sit here.

i won't have any Real options till January.

Fitness Trainer?

I have a girlfriend that has offered to school me as a fitness trainer. She runs her gym and has her degree in whatever kineaseology gets you. (?) Anyhow. She has offered to give me the course free of charge. It would take a few months, but in the end.......

I would work for her in her gym as a fitness trainer. I would also be certified. So I would be able to do personal fitness training as well.

She is confidant, after I told her of my injuries, that I will heal and be right back to where I was. Cool! She even gave me a couple more things to do to build the bones back up!

anyhow - there is not really a lot of work out there in gyms and such that I can see with my weee bit of research. So i don't know. but I would be working out for a living! She did tell me I could work for her.....I'm sure she would expect after teaching me the stuff for free!

Is it something i want to do?

I do have to keep active now and have a strict daily work out for the rest of my life because of this injury. doing it before work or after work would be a pain in the butt if I end up working the same hours I was before.......but if I can get a job that is active. Like when I worked at madisons. Frig. We were all in good shape. Up and down those stairs all day.......

I am mulling. Mountain and I talked about it.......

she offered it Friday, its Sunday and I am still thinking about it.

hmmmm

What do you Think?

ACK!!

I am Acking about a couple different things right now.

Boiling - simmer - boiling - simmer

some of it must be being caused by PMS!

Rings

been looking.

I have.

Getting a feel and an idea of what I like and what we can afford and then what will look good on my finger. Options!

Tonight I take mountain to give him the same idea as he keeps thinking in the thousands of dollars range for a ring - it doesn't have to be like that..........I only need 1 ring and it only has to be sparkly

I'll learn him up!

Work

..............EDIT..............

damn if I am not still broken!!!

amazing what a walk can do for you

MMMMMMM .....................

Poly - sandpaper - mess -

why did the person that lived here before me insist on Fucking up the walls so badly? Don't they know I just want to paint?

and - to beat all - when they painted this room it must have been their last, with an Old roller. Lint roller bumps. ARG!

this might be one of those things I start and Mountain finishes. DAmn it!

Stupid Accident!

how about my Fat?

yeah - i got fat.

I am uncomfortable most of the time. in my mid-section. Feels like when i was hugely pregnant and wasn't sitting up straight and baby was waay up in my lungs and neck and......just uncomfortable. A couple months ago - it wasn't too bad when I was going to physio 3 times a week and working out at home......but now. I guess my work outs aren't intense enough at home......

i think back to 3 years ago when I was still under 130lbs. Those pink pills that made me sooo relaxed all the time. So relaxed in fact that I developed this insane love for the taste of food that I'd never had before! then as my anxiety, my natural fat burner was extinguished out of my body, i started to put on the weight.

Add to that, falling in love and you've got yourself an evil cocktail of wieght gain! At least for me it was. but that wasn't the only thing, being as stoned as I was all the time, i had stopped worrying so much about my house. My yard ect. I wasn't racing around, ALWAYS busy doing something in my house. Cleaning something. Folding soemthing. I wasn't under this nutty deadline that I'd created for myself, of all the things that had to get done and when. A little too relaxed - Christmas decorations up till mid-january? yah a little tooooo relaxed.

All of a sudden I had someone to cook for. I mean, really cook for. I started going crazy with the cooking!

Did i notice the weight gain? yah, but i just wasn't freaky about it like I normally would have been. I didn't freak when I saw the scale needle hit 130 and go work-out for the next week for 2 hours a day till it was gone and starve myself with popcorn and green tea. I just kinda thought, huh, i'll lose it. Besides hormone changes i am sure were helping the fat. Those Pink pills - they really took care of my anxiety. I begged my doctor to give me the green light to go off them. When he did - i went off! cold Turkey. WoW! I can honestly say drug withdrawal is a Bitch. When I went off them in June of 2007 i was 145lbs.

yup. I wasn't even that heavy after having Charlotte. When I bought this house i moved in wearing my overalls. I wore dresses and skirts all summer. I mananged to get down and have been bouncing around 140 for quite sometime. I tried finding the time to walk, to work out to be more physical......but getting home at 6 every night and hell in the mornings just wasn't making finding time an easy thing.

i joined Curves. That was short lived. Although I loved it. Time and sitters were not on my side.

Besides I had learned that life is short and stopping to smell the flowers is really important. Sitting and taking it easy is not a disease. Its not a horrible thing that the pink pills left behind. That was a good scar from that time in my life, but a scar that had to be managed. Leaving the dishes till the morning won't cause me to melt. Leaving them all day will.

Just in the beginning of this year I had started being able to get into a routine that got me excercising again. I was able to go for a walk without worrying about Charlotte. (she is old enough to leave alone for 20min now) I was really watching my food intake and what the Heck I was eating! I had started to get down, down under 140. Down, down bouncing up and down at 135!!!

then the car accident - i wasn't solid enough at 135. Those fat cells had a party and invited all their old friends back!

Finally i had time!!! this is why i say - be areful what you wish for - but I'd been in a car accident. I couldn't be physical - it started creeping up again. Physio started. YaY!! i got stronger and I worked hard back down to 135 i went and was really starting to feel good that maybe, just maybe i might be able to get another 5 off and that would have satisfied me. not totally where I was, but thats ok. As long as I could fit back into my clothes......

Well physio is gone......and up, up, up i go. I hate it - i have managed over the last 2 weeks to get it down slightly. Then my birthday - wine, food and cake. Evil!! I am trying to work out and sweat when I can. Thats the key you know? the sweating, the heart-rate. My anxiety is around, but nothing like it was before I took the pink pills. So my bodies natural fat fighter is on the blink. or I've been "healed" so to speak. I have been bouncing in and out of really down times, depression, since my accident, so thats not helping either. My hormones! YiKeS! them Bitches are really not on the side of sexy thin woman. Bitches!

So what am I going to do about it?

Well I'm talking about it first of all. cuz its pissing me off! and usually when you talk aobut the elephant in the room.........I am going to continue watching more closely all the stuff I put into my mouth and i am going to do my best to do as much cardio as I can to get my heart rate up.

I don't always mind how I look these days. I mean at 135 I almost could accept my body. but i just feel so darn uncomfortable. like a stuffed pig. BLECK! I have a double chin and something that resembles cellulite on my tummy! it doesn't help that I've been working on "my core" and its getting strong, so all the fat over top of it is starting to hang. UGH! disgusting. Hang, but not go anywhere cuz I am not sweating. FuDGE!

My legs, my ass, staying relatively the same. but My mid-section. Something I have always been proud of.......thats wear my middle age is showing. As I have read, thats exactly what its supposed to do. Thats where it all happens. I have been looking at women everywhere I go. Older women. they all seem to have it. All around the middle.

So i bought myself soemthing along the same line as Spanx - but from WAl-Mart(13bux) a couple weeks ago. I love it! and what a bonus when it helps keep my muscles together an helps with the pain!!! I'm going to go back and get the one for my middle too! I try to dress so that i hide, but still maintain looking thin. Sometimes it works........

so there you go. Another thing thats been obsessing in my mind. Along with friendships and changes and what to do about work........

I'll jsut get it all out. I'm 40 now. I'm vulnerable

Blog On

Ahhhh Friendships

Truly what's carried me through a lot of tough times - friends

it got tough after I had Charlotte to maintain some of my friendships. Even tougher when I quit drinking. Its amazing really.

but I still have some tried and true ladies in my life that I am always will be eternally grateful for.

i've learned taht sometimes even when I ask for help there is none to be given and that means Its a time I have to carry it alone. Then there are times when I have so many hands reaching back its crazy! Its all made me stronger and very appreciative.

~to be continued~

kid wants to use the MAC................

On My Mind

Well, as i mentioned earlier I have so many thoughts rolling around in my head.

Having a Birthday sure makes you think about stuff.

I've thought about things I've learned in the lat 20 years. Experiences I've had. Life that has happened to me and I to it. WoW! I haven't necessarily accomplished what I had hope to, but for the struggles I have had because of choices I've made.....I think I've done damn good!

how many woman can spend most of their adult life ...... single ...... doing a Job that they LOVE. Even though it didn't net me a lot of money, I managed to make it work. Raise a daughter, alone. Manage a home, alone. and Buy a house, alone. Those are some great accomplishments! Now I have a partner and I can't believe I Ever did it, alone!

I think about the boyfriends I have had. The time spent with them trying to make it work. Trying to have what I saw other people having. Trying to be loved. The heartbreak, over and over and over again when it Never worked out. Things that I've learned.......about myself. About people.......

so Grateful that I have him. and He truly, truly loves me.

Its sad to think I went for 20 years without truly being loved by a man. Feeling what its like to have someone just accept. Going for years being used, abused and tossed aside. Rejected, but I did, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Its a very lonely time. I can only think of one person that has been there off the top of my head. My friend. he is male and he's been there. I tell you, you don't want to be. being alone and lonely is horrible. Makes you do some crazy things. Sometimes compromising who you are and what you believe in.

Now onto my recovery -

Its been 3 wks tomorrow since I ended in tears on my kitchen floor from pain from standing. I am hoping that was the last relapse. So far its been about every 3-4 wks that I have one. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I slept like shit last night. Back to my back HURTING while I sleep. My hip tender today. I have been working at my exercises. I am getting so much better. There are things I have troubles doing. Like sitting on the floor. That's not usually a good idea. I used the wall at my party to help while I squatted to talk to children. Bending over and over again is not always a good idea either. but at least I can do it now! I sit with moderate pain constantly. I went out and splurged last week. a Whole 13 dollars! bought myself these girdley pants that hold everything in. Whatta ya know it helps keep my ass from hurting! Neat.

So I have lots to think about now that I might actually be getting better enough to go back to my old job.

Do I want to go back? Yah, I do. To that place? well I dunno. To a new restaurant. sure! but I am scared, cuz now I am damaged. What if I go and suddenly something happens and can't do the job. I am now one of those people that can say, "i have a bad back. Sorry I can't lift that" there is not really any place for wimps in the serving industry.

I've turned into a girl - BLECK!

i have been putting my resume out for reception jobs, but have yet to be called for one. i don't have any experience and what If I suck at that too!

I have talked to EI about re-training. I don't qualify until my disability runs out. That's not till January. So what I live off the system till January? That's not really my style.

Do I try to return part-time and see if I can do it? If I can't ..... go back on disability and then try to get re-trained in the new year? or Do i just keep sending my resume out till something comes up? What if I can't go on disablity again?

I am scared. I am scared of that pain again. I am terrified when I feel the k-nick in my hip ..... is that going to lead to a day down or will I be ok. so I sit. As soon as that happens, I sit. Well I can't very well do that at a job now can i? then what? i keep going and then Yeah - I end up down for a day or two or.......I don't want to screw over a new job! and I guess as long as I still have the k-nick and the fear I need to still just sit here.

I don't know.

Sometimes I have such great days! I mean I made it thru my birthday and Charley's with stretchy pain in my hip, but I managed. I ached while I did the girls make - up. That hurt. but I managed. It was only 1 moment in 1 day.

The next day, my party - I was 3 sheets to the wind. I hurt when I poured that first glass of wine, and was reminded of the ache a few times during the evening. But I like to appear fine in front of people. I've learned how to stand, how to keep my back straight, how to sit so I appear ok. However, if I can feel pain while drinking its probably hurting like it is today only I don't feel it.

Today isn't....... I went to Wal-Mart this morning and walked with a buggy for an hour. I was pretty glad to sit in my car......so maybe......I don't know. I just feel like such a loser. I can walk in my house, but I have difficulty's walking in a store? Its so stupid. And I am just getting fatter and fatter. UGH! Like the first couple times i squatted to talk to the kids I managed, but after about the third time, I knew i shouldn't be doing it anymore.

The other thing is that this is The prime-time of year to get hired on somewhere! I don't want to miss out on an opportunity. Then I ask my self the question of what opportunity? Why shouldn't I use the system? enjoy having a Christmas season off and continue being a mom, and then get re-trained for something better in the winter. I mean logic would dictate that I now have a bad back. Really what is my time limit for being a server? if I do manage and do the job, who's to say that in a year from now I am right back to where I am? Only missing the other opportunity of the chance to get re-trained? and then i also ask myself, what do i even want to do other than serve?

*my voice is getting high and squeaky in my head now*

too many questions. Too much pride. So much fear.

What would you do?

Then I am worried about how this will all look in the long run to ICBC. I hate that i even think about them. Whatever. Its not about them. Its about me and my well being. But I can't help it.

i am not "holding out" because i am claim building. I am not "holding out" so i can get more money. I just want to be able to work and provide for my family! I want to be able to work part-time and be a wife and mom the rest of the time. Do I think about my "claim" damn rights I do! I am terrified of that too! I hate how I must appear to those around me. I have people telling me I 'can't" I have other people telling me I am working the system. I have my own work ethic eating away at me.

but isn't that what got my into this to begin with? my work ethic? Never say quit! Never say never! and Defiantly never say Can't!

i don't know what to do. I need advice I need my head to be quiet I need............help

help Me.........help me sort my thoughts...........HELP!

and that's just a brief look at what's been going on inside my head for the last - month

What to Post.......

I do have so much in my brain that I am thinking about.

What do I share? What do i post?

Some? All? What direction do I go in? What have i learned in 40+ years. Yah thats somehting. Technically, I have entered into my 41st year! how much does that suck? I mean I know I am 40 - so they say - but really I have finished living my 40th year and I am into my 41st. BPLHT!!! Wish I hadn't had that epiphany.

Ok I gotta go get kid motivated i will think of what to share and get back to you......

i am Forty!

Todays Experiment

.............EDIT...............

holy carp i have a job interview! in an hour!!!