how about my Fat?

yeah - i got fat.

I am uncomfortable most of the time. in my mid-section. Feels like when i was hugely pregnant and wasn't sitting up straight and baby was waay up in my lungs and neck and......just uncomfortable. A couple months ago - it wasn't too bad when I was going to physio 3 times a week and working out at home......but now. I guess my work outs aren't intense enough at home......

i think back to 3 years ago when I was still under 130lbs. Those pink pills that made me sooo relaxed all the time. So relaxed in fact that I developed this insane love for the taste of food that I'd never had before! then as my anxiety, my natural fat burner was extinguished out of my body, i started to put on the weight.

Add to that, falling in love and you've got yourself an evil cocktail of wieght gain! At least for me it was. but that wasn't the only thing, being as stoned as I was all the time, i had stopped worrying so much about my house. My yard ect. I wasn't racing around, ALWAYS busy doing something in my house. Cleaning something. Folding soemthing. I wasn't under this nutty deadline that I'd created for myself, of all the things that had to get done and when. A little too relaxed - Christmas decorations up till mid-january? yah a little tooooo relaxed.

All of a sudden I had someone to cook for. I mean, really cook for. I started going crazy with the cooking!

Did i notice the weight gain? yah, but i just wasn't freaky about it like I normally would have been. I didn't freak when I saw the scale needle hit 130 and go work-out for the next week for 2 hours a day till it was gone and starve myself with popcorn and green tea. I just kinda thought, huh, i'll lose it. Besides hormone changes i am sure were helping the fat. Those Pink pills - they really took care of my anxiety. I begged my doctor to give me the green light to go off them. When he did - i went off! cold Turkey. WoW! I can honestly say drug withdrawal is a Bitch. When I went off them in June of 2007 i was 145lbs.

yup. I wasn't even that heavy after having Charlotte. When I bought this house i moved in wearing my overalls. I wore dresses and skirts all summer. I mananged to get down and have been bouncing around 140 for quite sometime. I tried finding the time to walk, to work out to be more physical......but getting home at 6 every night and hell in the mornings just wasn't making finding time an easy thing.

i joined Curves. That was short lived. Although I loved it. Time and sitters were not on my side.

Besides I had learned that life is short and stopping to smell the flowers is really important. Sitting and taking it easy is not a disease. Its not a horrible thing that the pink pills left behind. That was a good scar from that time in my life, but a scar that had to be managed. Leaving the dishes till the morning won't cause me to melt. Leaving them all day will.

Just in the beginning of this year I had started being able to get into a routine that got me excercising again. I was able to go for a walk without worrying about Charlotte. (she is old enough to leave alone for 20min now) I was really watching my food intake and what the Heck I was eating! I had started to get down, down under 140. Down, down bouncing up and down at 135!!!

then the car accident - i wasn't solid enough at 135. Those fat cells had a party and invited all their old friends back!

Finally i had time!!! this is why i say - be areful what you wish for - but I'd been in a car accident. I couldn't be physical - it started creeping up again. Physio started. YaY!! i got stronger and I worked hard back down to 135 i went and was really starting to feel good that maybe, just maybe i might be able to get another 5 off and that would have satisfied me. not totally where I was, but thats ok. As long as I could fit back into my clothes......

Well physio is gone......and up, up, up i go. I hate it - i have managed over the last 2 weeks to get it down slightly. Then my birthday - wine, food and cake. Evil!! I am trying to work out and sweat when I can. Thats the key you know? the sweating, the heart-rate. My anxiety is around, but nothing like it was before I took the pink pills. So my bodies natural fat fighter is on the blink. or I've been "healed" so to speak. I have been bouncing in and out of really down times, depression, since my accident, so thats not helping either. My hormones! YiKeS! them Bitches are really not on the side of sexy thin woman. Bitches!

So what am I going to do about it?

Well I'm talking about it first of all. cuz its pissing me off! and usually when you talk aobut the elephant in the room.........I am going to continue watching more closely all the stuff I put into my mouth and i am going to do my best to do as much cardio as I can to get my heart rate up.

I don't always mind how I look these days. I mean at 135 I almost could accept my body. but i just feel so darn uncomfortable. like a stuffed pig. BLECK! I have a double chin and something that resembles cellulite on my tummy! it doesn't help that I've been working on "my core" and its getting strong, so all the fat over top of it is starting to hang. UGH! disgusting. Hang, but not go anywhere cuz I am not sweating. FuDGE!

My legs, my ass, staying relatively the same. but My mid-section. Something I have always been proud of.......thats wear my middle age is showing. As I have read, thats exactly what its supposed to do. Thats where it all happens. I have been looking at women everywhere I go. Older women. they all seem to have it. All around the middle.

So i bought myself soemthing along the same line as Spanx - but from WAl-Mart(13bux) a couple weeks ago. I love it! and what a bonus when it helps keep my muscles together an helps with the pain!!! I'm going to go back and get the one for my middle too! I try to dress so that i hide, but still maintain looking thin. Sometimes it works........

so there you go. Another thing thats been obsessing in my mind. Along with friendships and changes and what to do about work........

I'll jsut get it all out. I'm 40 now. I'm vulnerable

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