Dense tit Smart tit

Today I do not have Cancer!
What I do have is a dense tit!!
The tissue have become dense for some reason.  Doc said it didn't look cancerous, but they are sending me for an ultrasound next month to find out, or see, why the tissue looks the way it does.
They said not to worry about it.  So ok - I won't worry?
I wonder why I shouldn't worry.  If there was nothing to worry about, why send me for an ultrasound?  
Doc said it didn't look calcified.  So good?  I feel like I should have been more on the ball and recorded everything .... I feel like there are holes in what they are telling me.  Seems odd to me to go for more looking if I have nothing to worry about.  Is it so they can keep an eye on it cuz it could change at any moment?  Is it going to be a thing that I have to watch like my moles and go for mammograms twice a year?  Is it because they are blowing smoke up my ass?  Or is it simply that I have one smart tit and one stupid one?

What If?

Today I meet with the Dr to find out why my tit was recalled.
Yesterday I  had another squishing at the hospital - another picture just in case the first one was  truly a mistake.  Today I go and the doctor will tell me what they found if anything.
I am sure it was just a blur or a bad picture.  I know I breathed when I wasn't supposed to, that probably screwed it up the last time.  Me not being able to take direction properly - UGH!
So today, in a couple hours, I go brave the insanity that is the hospital parking lot to find out why my left breast had an abnormality in it.  
I am concerned.  I have not allowed myself to get lost in thought of the  "what if's"  So the fear has not grown.  The anxiety is manageable.  I am not allowing myself to be scared.  I will go alone to this appointment.  I thought about asking Mountain to come with me.  I thought about asking The Queen ...... but I decided this is no big deal.  I will go alone.  I can't waste time on being worried.  Even though it seems in the back of my head ....... I am terrified.
What is my Plan B?  I always have a Plan B.  I don't this time. Turns out, in order to have a Plan B you have to allow yourself to go down the path of "what if" in order to build a Plan B.  Since I have not allowed myself to do that......... no Plan B.
As I write this, I am  feeling the anxiety grow.  I am totally unprepared for this appointment.  
A "what if"  just popped in to my head - I will not type it out.  If I put it down in words, it becomes real.  A real "what if".  I hate surprises - I hate not being prepared. I hate not thinking of Every Angle, Every possible way something can play out.  
I have not googled anything to do with breast cancer.  I don't want to know anymore details than I already know from those who have gone down the road ahead of me.
I am a busy woman these days.  Quit my job -  I signed all my paperwork at the new job yesterday.  I start in a week today!  I don't have anymore time than I have spent typing this out dwelling on my left tit.  We are having a few friends over SAturday to celebrate Canada's birthday - i need to get ready for that.   My garden is a mess, the house needs to be tidied.  I have projects that I want to start.   It's The Queen's day off today.  We have mother daughter stuff to do.  Mostly just staring at each other ..... but I look forward to that.  Going to an appointment focused on my left tit is not how I wanted to spend these last days off in June.

The thing is ..... when I found out my uncle had the brain tumour at Christmas, then my dad with his prostate, I said to myself..... 2017 will be the year of Cancer ...... I just never thought it would include me.
Blog On Dude

QUIT MY JOB TODAY

Home From Work

So today, he is home from work.
Not because of a lack of work - he hasn't been laid off ...... yet.
He says his back hurts.
So here he is home AGAIN!
He is already working half days -  we may have a lay off in our future - he won't have money coming in ...... but he can take a day off.
It is nearly 9AM and he is still in bed ....... but I guess, what else would he be doing?
I am so pissed off!
My back hurts too!
I have to work today - in the rain - going door to door for deliveries.  Running around all of Maple Ridge from dealership to dealership.  Prolly won't get lunch until 4PM and I probably will only get half of it ........ somehting is wrong with my left tit.  I am bracing myself for the negative side of the 'what if'  of the tit.  Yet he can stay home from work.
FUCK!!!!
not cool Mountainman.   Not Cool

Locked Out

well ....... it's been so long since I've blogged - that I have managed to lock myself out of my Peri - menopause blog.  ERG!
What have I been doing since 2014 ...... it seems I gave up on all my outlets when I moved here ........ maybe that's why I upped the wine intake?  I stopped venting.  Gave up my escape ...... interesting.
WEll In any event - I Obvioulsy used it last while I was beveraging and now I don't remember how to get in to it.  Fuck!

The Two Week Wait

So Yesterday was an anxiety roller coaster!

I spent the morning recovering from my 3 mismanaged, no/late breaks, 10 & 12 hour shifts.  Then I kept checking my email to see if I would hear from the new job for a 3rd interview to be formally hired. Then husband was home from work at lunch cuz there is no work there for him.  Then at 2:44PM i get a call from Fraser Health telling me that there are abnormalities in my left breast and I need to go back for a VIP exam on the 27th.  Followed by a special appointment with the Doctor on the 28th to discuss the results.

My left Tit has been recalled -

I have decided to not worry about it.  Even though I am totally worried about it.  
I have been cysty my whole life.  The first time I found lumps in my tits was when I was 18.  I was told, too much caffeine and hormones.  Then cysts were found on my ovaries when I was 19.  Went to my first ultrasound.  The body absorbed them,  Once again I was told hormones.  Then I had one behind my ear ....... it went away.  So I am not going to worry about this 'abnormality' in my tit!

Something different about this - I can't feel it.  Like with my own hand, fingers.  Not that I felt the ones on my ovaries with my fingers, but I did have aching back then.  Which is what prompted the trip to the doctor to begin with.  The cysts i have had in my tits have happened many times over the years.  Many trips to the doctor with fears.  I've always felt them.  All the doctors I have seen over the years have said, if they move, don't worry about them.  The body will absorb them.  They are due to hormones.  This I don't feel.  Or do I? 
When I breast exam myself, the left does feel denser then the right.  Is that it?  Cuz if it is, it's massive -
I am Totally worried about the 'abnormality' in my tit....

So, the 2 week wait.  So different from the 2 week waits I was doing 4 years ago.  Waiting to see if the invitro had taken ...... waiting to see if I had another period or am I pregnant.  That was full of anxiety, hope and dreams.  This 2 week wait only started yesterday.  So far it's full of anxiety and thoughts.

My first thoughts  are about the job I am hoping for.  The job I plan to leave.  Worst case scenario is that I have cancer.  Boob Cancer.  People survive that all the time, every day.  So That I am not really concerned about.  Waht I am concerned about is being sick.  Having to do the get well journey.  I will need disability for about a year.  Switching jobs without the benefits right away ........ we will need that money to keep the house.  I can't afford to be without an income.  My family needs this home.  Do I continue forward with my plan to leave my current job?
I think about my husband.  He loves me sooo much.  He makes me insane, but in the end, I love him too.  Is he up for this?  If I do end up being sick, can he handle it?  Can he handle all that he will need to do?  If I am here day after day feeling shitty and bad about myself, will he be able to cope?  Will he be able to keep the house in order to relieve the anxiety I am sure to have about it?   Will he be able to keep his job?
I think about my daughter - I quit drinking because I was leaving her.  Drinking has put time between us.  Lost time.  It finally became enough that I felt it.  Worrying that it had been too long and she is/was gone.  I've missed so much ........ now to be sober and I end up leaving her anyway?  Or losing time because I am sick.  She has so much in her future.  I don't ever want to be the reason she doesn't reach her full potential.  I don't ever want to be the reason she didn't go forward.  She is the most amazing person I ever could have created.  She is strong and smart and so secure.  She is my world.  She has great things coming to her.  So many great things.  I don't know what they are, but they are out there for her.  She keeps reaching, she will get there.  Where ever 'there' is.
I think about money.  Money we don't have.  The bank account that has $198 in it.  I think about the thousands of dollars that i owe in my name.  I can't afford to not work.  I can't afford to miss days.  We are living pay check to pay check.........
I worry that we will lose the house on a day to day basis.  Being sick or possibly sick..... the worry is strong.
So then I switch to ...... so I'm sick.  So maybe I lose my Breast.  You get new ones!  Better ones!  I always wanted a boob job.  I go bald.  Well, I guess that is what it is.  I haven't been bald.  Even as a baby I had hair.  So I will rock hats and Scarves! I will wear Huge colored hoop earrings and bright lipstick.  It will be amazing!   Biggest perk of all - I will lose weight!  Maybe get back down to a size 5!  Although, i have gotten rid of most of my small clothes.  The Queen has a handful of them that she is now wearing ...... so i guess there is her wardrobe that I can dive into ....... I will get a holiday.  Time to do the projects I have lined up. The colander hanging baskets.  The teapot wind chimes.  Fairy gardens.  I'll have time to meditate how I like and to excercise!! see lots of positives!

I decided last night that I will continue with my plan to quit my current job and move forward to the next job.  I will get thru my 2 week wait however I get thru it I guess.  Hopefully with not to much anxiety and not to many blow-ups at work before I leave.  I don't want to burn bridges or destroy friendships.
Today, I will Tonic.  I will Tonic a lot.
Today, I might just have a nap in the afternoon.  I haven't slept since 5AM.  So I am sure a nap will be wolcomed.
Today, I will binge watch Sex and the City some more.  That was the reason I decided I had to get my mammogram done.  I identify a lot with Sammantha.  The episode where she fell in a hole and broke her toe, is what prompted me to make the appointment.   I broke my toe ..... several times......and then my foot ......... I figured Carp!  she broke her toe and then she had the cancer thing -  I better get my shit looked after!  It was a, 'the light came on' moment.  Glad I did.
Today, I will paint my Bathroom Floor and probably the pillars in my living room to keep busy on my day off!

Blog On Dudes

June 13, 2017

Husband is home from work for the second day in a row at lunch.
The new wood Tarriff's make it hard to work at a mill.  No wood to work with - bundle, fork lift, plane ect.  So awesome.  Year two of him home in June .......... and just as I was dealing with that and how my mind is reacting to it ......... I get a call from the boob twisters I saw a couple weeks ago.  Apparently, my left tit has been recalled - I have to go for the fancy boob squish and then an even fancier one on one with the doctor the next day -

On another note .............. I am 2 months sober today!

Hooray Me

DECISIONS

I find I am in a place where I feel I need to leave my current job.  This is a really hard decision.  Mostly because of money.
I make an ok living right now.  Leaving would mean taking a cut.  I also have amazing benefits ........ the places I have been looking have decent benefits - so not the end of the world.
Why am I feeling this way?
I am a road agent.  I deliver insurance to people's homes and work in the dealerships registering new cars.  I am a slave to the phone and the calendar.  Never really knowing how my day will unfold.  My hours are long.  I am scheduled for 10 - 12 hours on the days that I work.  There is a lot of hurry up and wait in my job.  Sitting in a car waiting for the next phone call to tell me where I am going next.
Today it is raining.  Delivering insurance in the rain is the worst!  House to house - door to door - people not remembering their appointment.    
House numbers not clearly marked.  Brass!!!  FYI - brass or copper numbers, no matter what they are on, are difficult to see!!!  House numbers are also never in the same place on each house.  When its dark, its sometimes impossible to find a house.  Especially when they forget to leave their light on!
Every time my work phone rings, it means I need to go somewhere.  Pick up what I am doing.  Sometimes, stop what I am doing, and go wherever the voice on the other end of the phone tells me.  If I am at a dealership, I am required to keep an eye on the calendar, update every 15-20 mins my actions of where I am in my transaction, if there is another to follow, when i am finished.  I have to keep an eye on deliveries to make sure they are getting done when they are supposed expected to be.  There is a team of us on the road, but if we are all busy and another dealership calls..........or a home delivery needs to be done ........ but you are trapped.  Being held or in the middle of a transaction with a client - who will go?  You finish with your client, check the calendar and toss your mobile office in your bags, race out the door to the next call.  All the while, being organized with your paperwork.  Making sure its all together, nothing forgotten, no mistakes, copies made and given to the business office.  Time is of the essence - and you need to be fast.
Lunch - you never know when you will get lunch.  On SAturdays, you are lucky to get lunch at all!  Never mind that during, what they call, lunch break, the office can and does call to send you to your next dealership.  When you think you are going to get your hour lunch and 15 minutes in there is a call from the office, telling you its only a half break now and when you are done you need to go to XXX.
12 hour shifts.  Whenever during the week.  Its 160 hours a month.  Wherever those fall is up to the manager.  I put in a couple years ago, that I no longer can work Sundays.  I needed a reset day.  I needed a day every week, every month, that I knew fersure was going to be my day off.  
12 hour shifts means, if you work 4 in a row, you are a bag of shit for your first day off.  If you are lucky enough to get 2 days in a row off - you spend the first one recouping from the last 4 days.  Now keep in mind.  The house work has waited and multiplied for you too during your days on.  There is no before work or after work when you can run a vacuum or toss laundry in.  Maybe have a dinner date with your husband or a girlfriend.  Go the to gym.  All the little things,  all the little things that we do to fill our evenings before bed all now has to happen on the days off that have now become so precious.
Being a road agent means, you never really know what time you are done.  I have had occasion when I have started at 9AM and been caught at a dealership - not to be home until 10:30/11!  or the 10AM start that gets you home at 11:30!  that was my latest - you just never know.  There is no way to predict.  Fridays and Saturdays are good.  They are only 10hour scheduled days - the dealerships close at 6.  BUT - if there is a deal - we stay.  so a 6PM close has the possibility of an 8PM home time.  Its exhausting.  The not knowing is exhausting and stressful.
Being a wife and a mother to a young adult - 
I look at my life and my daughter who is 18 with a steady boyfriend and 2 jobs and working on a career.  I think, she will get married one day.  She will have children.  Will I be there?  
The woman is the cornerstone of the home of the family.  When she is missing from it, the family dynamic is lost.
So I look for a new job.  I need to be back in the home.
Truth is - I've never been totally happy with my job, my career, since my accident and I had to leave the restaurant behind.  But I am old for that now too.  And my body is so out of shape.
I do enjoy lots about road running.  The dealerships - each one with its own quirk.  The sales people, the sales managers, business managers ........ i have a friendship with each of them.  That will be soooo hard to leave.  I've been doing this 3years now and have established myself as Queen in the dealerships.  It feels good.  It feels good to walk in and I can do no wrong they love me so much.  I like most of the kids I work with on the road.  My team.  Their youth keeps me young too!  Not being stuck in the same place all the time is also a benefit.  I get my energy from people.  I did when I was serving, I do now with all the different people buying cars.  All the different dealerships.  All the different personalities.  They keep me alive and rejuvenate me.  I do really, really enjoy that part of it.  That's the part I have been hanging on to.  
The stress of the road has been getting to me since 2015.  I tried to get off the road then.  There was a position open in the office in the back.  My sales manager denied me the position because I was too good. to valuable on the road.  My sales are too good for them to lose me.  So I stuffed it down and sucked it up and kept going.  Now that I am sober ....... oh yes!  Still sober!!  I don't have an escape.  The work hard play hard escape of every successful sales rep, booze.  I guess I could escape in a healthy way.  Work it out at the gym ..... oh no wait ...... i can't.  There is no time for the gym in this new life I have of no predictable schedule.  When its been a particularly rough day on the road, after driving in traffic for 11 hours .... who wants to go to the gym?  There is no gym time in that day.  You want a Glass of Wine DAmn it!!!
So tomorrow, I have another interview.
Tomorrow I hope the numbers that come across from the area manager are enough to make me say 'yes' right on the spot.  Tomorrow ..........