So Yesterday was an anxiety roller coaster!
I spent the morning recovering from my 3 mismanaged, no/late breaks, 10 & 12 hour shifts. Then I kept checking my email to see if I would hear from the new job for a 3rd interview to be formally hired. Then husband was home from work at lunch cuz there is no work there for him. Then at 2:44PM i get a call from Fraser Health telling me that there are abnormalities in my left breast and I need to go back for a VIP exam on the 27th. Followed by a special appointment with the Doctor on the 28th to discuss the results.
My left Tit has been recalled -
I have decided to not worry about it. Even though I am totally worried about it.
I have been cysty my whole life. The first time I found lumps in my tits was when I was 18. I was told, too much caffeine and hormones. Then cysts were found on my ovaries when I was 19. Went to my first ultrasound. The body absorbed them, Once again I was told hormones. Then I had one behind my ear ....... it went away. So I am not going to worry about this 'abnormality' in my tit!
Something different about this - I can't feel it. Like with my own hand, fingers. Not that I felt the ones on my ovaries with my fingers, but I did have aching back then. Which is what prompted the trip to the doctor to begin with. The cysts i have had in my tits have happened many times over the years. Many trips to the doctor with fears. I've always felt them. All the doctors I have seen over the years have said, if they move, don't worry about them. The body will absorb them. They are due to hormones. This I don't feel. Or do I?
When I breast exam myself, the left does feel denser then the right. Is that it? Cuz if it is, it's massive -
I am Totally worried about the 'abnormality' in my tit....
So, the 2 week wait. So different from the 2 week waits I was doing 4 years ago. Waiting to see if the invitro had taken ...... waiting to see if I had another period or am I pregnant. That was full of anxiety, hope and dreams. This 2 week wait only started yesterday. So far it's full of anxiety and thoughts.
My first thoughts are about the job I am hoping for. The job I plan to leave. Worst case scenario is that I have cancer. Boob Cancer. People survive that all the time, every day. So That I am not really concerned about. Waht I am concerned about is being sick. Having to do the get well journey. I will need disability for about a year. Switching jobs without the benefits right away ........ we will need that money to keep the house. I can't afford to be without an income. My family needs this home. Do I continue forward with my plan to leave my current job?
I think about my husband. He loves me sooo much. He makes me insane, but in the end, I love him too. Is he up for this? If I do end up being sick, can he handle it? Can he handle all that he will need to do? If I am here day after day feeling shitty and bad about myself, will he be able to cope? Will he be able to keep the house in order to relieve the anxiety I am sure to have about it? Will he be able to keep his job?
I think about my daughter - I quit drinking because I was leaving her. Drinking has put time between us. Lost time. It finally became enough that I felt it. Worrying that it had been too long and she is/was gone. I've missed so much ........ now to be sober and I end up leaving her anyway? Or losing time because I am sick. She has so much in her future. I don't ever want to be the reason she doesn't reach her full potential. I don't ever want to be the reason she didn't go forward. She is the most amazing person I ever could have created. She is strong and smart and so secure. She is my world. She has great things coming to her. So many great things. I don't know what they are, but they are out there for her. She keeps reaching, she will get there. Where ever 'there' is.
I think about money. Money we don't have. The bank account that has $198 in it. I think about the thousands of dollars that i owe in my name. I can't afford to not work. I can't afford to miss days. We are living pay check to pay check.........
I worry that we will lose the house on a day to day basis. Being sick or possibly sick..... the worry is strong.
So then I switch to ...... so I'm sick. So maybe I lose my Breast. You get new ones! Better ones! I always wanted a boob job. I go bald. Well, I guess that is what it is. I haven't been bald. Even as a baby I had hair. So I will rock hats and Scarves! I will wear Huge colored hoop earrings and bright lipstick. It will be amazing! Biggest perk of all - I will lose weight! Maybe get back down to a size 5! Although, i have gotten rid of most of my small clothes. The Queen has a handful of them that she is now wearing ...... so i guess there is her wardrobe that I can dive into ....... I will get a holiday. Time to do the projects I have lined up. The colander hanging baskets. The teapot wind chimes. Fairy gardens. I'll have time to meditate how I like and to excercise!! see lots of positives!
I decided last night that I will continue with my plan to quit my current job and move forward to the next job. I will get thru my 2 week wait however I get thru it I guess. Hopefully with not to much anxiety and not to many blow-ups at work before I leave. I don't want to burn bridges or destroy friendships.
Today, I will Tonic. I will Tonic a lot.
Today, I might just have a nap in the afternoon. I haven't slept since 5AM. So I am sure a nap will be wolcomed.
Today, I will binge watch Sex and the City some more. That was the reason I decided I had to get my mammogram done. I identify a lot with Sammantha. The episode where she fell in a hole and broke her toe, is what prompted me to make the appointment. I broke my toe ..... several times......and then my foot ......... I figured Carp! she broke her toe and then she had the cancer thing - I better get my shit looked after! It was a, 'the light came on' moment. Glad I did.
Today, I will paint my Bathroom Floor and probably the pillars in my living room to keep busy on my day off!
Blog On Dudes
I spent the morning recovering from my 3 mismanaged, no/late breaks, 10 & 12 hour shifts. Then I kept checking my email to see if I would hear from the new job for a 3rd interview to be formally hired. Then husband was home from work at lunch cuz there is no work there for him. Then at 2:44PM i get a call from Fraser Health telling me that there are abnormalities in my left breast and I need to go back for a VIP exam on the 27th. Followed by a special appointment with the Doctor on the 28th to discuss the results.
My left Tit has been recalled -
I have decided to not worry about it. Even though I am totally worried about it.
I have been cysty my whole life. The first time I found lumps in my tits was when I was 18. I was told, too much caffeine and hormones. Then cysts were found on my ovaries when I was 19. Went to my first ultrasound. The body absorbed them, Once again I was told hormones. Then I had one behind my ear ....... it went away. So I am not going to worry about this 'abnormality' in my tit!
Something different about this - I can't feel it. Like with my own hand, fingers. Not that I felt the ones on my ovaries with my fingers, but I did have aching back then. Which is what prompted the trip to the doctor to begin with. The cysts i have had in my tits have happened many times over the years. Many trips to the doctor with fears. I've always felt them. All the doctors I have seen over the years have said, if they move, don't worry about them. The body will absorb them. They are due to hormones. This I don't feel. Or do I?
When I breast exam myself, the left does feel denser then the right. Is that it? Cuz if it is, it's massive -
I am Totally worried about the 'abnormality' in my tit....
So, the 2 week wait. So different from the 2 week waits I was doing 4 years ago. Waiting to see if the invitro had taken ...... waiting to see if I had another period or am I pregnant. That was full of anxiety, hope and dreams. This 2 week wait only started yesterday. So far it's full of anxiety and thoughts.
My first thoughts are about the job I am hoping for. The job I plan to leave. Worst case scenario is that I have cancer. Boob Cancer. People survive that all the time, every day. So That I am not really concerned about. Waht I am concerned about is being sick. Having to do the get well journey. I will need disability for about a year. Switching jobs without the benefits right away ........ we will need that money to keep the house. I can't afford to be without an income. My family needs this home. Do I continue forward with my plan to leave my current job?
I think about my husband. He loves me sooo much. He makes me insane, but in the end, I love him too. Is he up for this? If I do end up being sick, can he handle it? Can he handle all that he will need to do? If I am here day after day feeling shitty and bad about myself, will he be able to cope? Will he be able to keep the house in order to relieve the anxiety I am sure to have about it? Will he be able to keep his job?
I think about my daughter - I quit drinking because I was leaving her. Drinking has put time between us. Lost time. It finally became enough that I felt it. Worrying that it had been too long and she is/was gone. I've missed so much ........ now to be sober and I end up leaving her anyway? Or losing time because I am sick. She has so much in her future. I don't ever want to be the reason she doesn't reach her full potential. I don't ever want to be the reason she didn't go forward. She is the most amazing person I ever could have created. She is strong and smart and so secure. She is my world. She has great things coming to her. So many great things. I don't know what they are, but they are out there for her. She keeps reaching, she will get there. Where ever 'there' is.
I think about money. Money we don't have. The bank account that has $198 in it. I think about the thousands of dollars that i owe in my name. I can't afford to not work. I can't afford to miss days. We are living pay check to pay check.........
I worry that we will lose the house on a day to day basis. Being sick or possibly sick..... the worry is strong.
So then I switch to ...... so I'm sick. So maybe I lose my Breast. You get new ones! Better ones! I always wanted a boob job. I go bald. Well, I guess that is what it is. I haven't been bald. Even as a baby I had hair. So I will rock hats and Scarves! I will wear Huge colored hoop earrings and bright lipstick. It will be amazing! Biggest perk of all - I will lose weight! Maybe get back down to a size 5! Although, i have gotten rid of most of my small clothes. The Queen has a handful of them that she is now wearing ...... so i guess there is her wardrobe that I can dive into ....... I will get a holiday. Time to do the projects I have lined up. The colander hanging baskets. The teapot wind chimes. Fairy gardens. I'll have time to meditate how I like and to excercise!! see lots of positives!
I decided last night that I will continue with my plan to quit my current job and move forward to the next job. I will get thru my 2 week wait however I get thru it I guess. Hopefully with not to much anxiety and not to many blow-ups at work before I leave. I don't want to burn bridges or destroy friendships.
Today, I will Tonic. I will Tonic a lot.
Today, I might just have a nap in the afternoon. I haven't slept since 5AM. So I am sure a nap will be wolcomed.
Today, I will binge watch Sex and the City some more. That was the reason I decided I had to get my mammogram done. I identify a lot with Sammantha. The episode where she fell in a hole and broke her toe, is what prompted me to make the appointment. I broke my toe ..... several times......and then my foot ......... I figured Carp! she broke her toe and then she had the cancer thing - I better get my shit looked after! It was a, 'the light came on' moment. Glad I did.
Today, I will paint my Bathroom Floor and probably the pillars in my living room to keep busy on my day off!
Blog On Dudes
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