YaY!!!! Flanger is Here!!!

made HIS appearance at 1:30 this morning.

8lbs 3oz -- he has yet to be officially named. So Flanger he will be for a few more hours.

Congratulations Steph & Jon!

Auggy is home.

The original plan was to put him under the lilac .... I can't do it. Isnt' putting him to rest supposed to be just that. Putting him to Rest?

he wasn't tired yet. he hadn't lived long enough with us yet.

So tomorrow ..... we will go to our special store and find a special box to keep his ashes in. He was our Box Kitty. I used to say that all the time. He was a box kitty. ... he was funny from not being wanted and being in that box at the pet store for so long ..... he was our box kitty. Mntn reminded today of my words I would say......

so we will find a special box for him to rest in while he still enjoys our family till we are in a more permanent home.... that will be our memorial. his collar. his straws. ......

So glad our boy is home with us now. .... Thank you Steph

Just when I think I've got a hold of myself I fall a part again.

I am so Mad at him for going over that fence!!!

I go over everything we were doing that day. There was no way we could have known ....... if we'd stopped him that day - he would have gone the next. t is a 6 if not 7, 8 ft fence for frig's sake!!!

I am so mad at him. He left me!

Left me!!! His mom. We were all outside in the yard at the time. The kitty's were out with us playing together like they do. We were out in the yard, Lyle in his shed. Charley in her playhouse, myself at the pond.....gardening .......... we were all there! and off he went to explore ......... i am soooooo upset.

Whisky is not ok today. she is so quiet and she won't purr ...............

we bring him home today..............

I have to get it together. I have a test to do.

How Long do We Have

Its hard when someone loses their best friend.

We are not sure how to do this with Whisky. We have been playing with her and cuddling ........ but she has changed. she is lonely. She's never been on her own. She came to us straight from her sisters. Auggy chose her. they've not been a part since. Except for their operations. I have never experienced 2 kitty's as close and bonded as she and Auggy. They were always together. Playing. Sitting. Relaxing. Sleeping. He groomed her constantly.

We will NEVER be able to replace August. He was so very unique. and I am not one to get another so quickly.......however.......i have found myself thinking about it. How mush time is there before Whisky becomes bitter and non-accepting? She is 1o nearly 11mnths old. Her kitten time is coming to a close. We want her to accept another. We don't think she'll accept a cat. She has never been like that. Auggy accepted everyone. She ........ not so much. So it would have to be a kitten.

We want the siamese. Mntn and i love the personalities the Siamese breeds carry. We were so blessed that Auggy was a cross. Thought tabby at first, but then it seemed maybe Ragdoll? he was so easy going. A male Siamese, so different for both of us. as we both had girls in the past. he darkened up sooo much in the last year. At his 1 year birthday still getting darker. He had a yellow strip down his back and leopard spot on one hip. Tabby strips on his legs. His pose and dignity - we'd say - his siamese had begun to show as he matured in to adult cathood. Anyhow. Point being. A Siamese is what we want. Doesn't have to be purebred, but gotta have enough of the siamese to have the markings. Then is it better for Whisky to have a male or female. What will she take to? Will she take to a kitten at all? The most important question ....... how long can we wait? We are really not ready. he hasn't even been gone a week. but e are so worried about Whisky. Besides not having the money. Even for a Sale cat like Auggy was ....... we just ...........

This is just so hard. So painful. We will NEVER EVER replace him. but we don't want to wait so long that Whisky and kitty don't have a good relationship ............ Then there's the pain we have, i have to even look at other babies. i am looking for MY baby. I am not ready.

but is it selfish for me, for us, to not think of Whisky. Is she ready and needs for us to be closer to now than we are?

This whole thing has just been one big traumitic horrible tragedy taht has happened to our family.

AUGGY!!! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO OVER THE FENCE?!! I Miss Him so Much! My Baby! We obviously can't have a human baby ........ he was it. he was our baby .................

Glad to hear & see Whisky doing stuff she did before once again. She has talked a bit this morning and woke me at 5:30 like she does by standing on my chest and meowing. She played a bit last night and hide & seek with dad this morning.

Yesterday was such a quiet day. She didn't talk at all.

Mntn said she was up at 5 and went down the hall to the livingroom - looked around and then went in to Charley's room to her pillow. She is still looking for him ....... we all are. She was, what I would say, angry last night. There was a gift bag on the floor. She normally would play inside it. you know how kittens do. In out, under. Leaping and running. She didn't this time. She chewed and ripped this bag. Not in a playful way, like using her feet. Just chewed. Getting out her frustrations her anger. we let her.

I've already cried 4 times this morning. He was everywhere. Active in All parts of our lives. Our morning routine our afternoon, our evening .............. He was another one of my kids. He helped me wake Charley every morning ........... he said Goodbye to his dad every day and waited at the door when he was supposed to be home for Shed time.........Car rides. He laid next to my thigh while I drove, he would lick my hand as I pet him. My poor Lilac tree ....... he totally dug. He was a digger and a licker this boy of mine. Dug holes in my garden like a dog would. HUGE holes. his favorite spot to dig was all the fine dirt around my lilac tree. I planted alyssum and lobelia there and he promplty dug it up. I planted seeds ...... those are gone too. I built up that littel bed and made it higher ......he took out half the dirt ........ my impatients .....dug up .......what a character. He would chew on and attack my lambskin rug in the living room. The sheepskin mattress cover .......oh my. Scratches in my newly painted walls from him climbing the front door to get out. jumping to the hall window ........... I can thank Auggy for my new blinds. Had he not hunted that fly into them .............. he had chewed on the other ones. just chewed, even after i yelled at him to "cut it out!"

it nice to hear Whisky's voice. I hope she keeps talking. She misses him as much we all do. Probably more. He was her constant. she's never known any different.

ok. Time for School!

Blog On

Where is the lessen

What were we to learn

Where's the silver lining ................. there's always a silver lining

one door closes a window opens ............. I am looking for it

our family has been so hurt by this tragedy

it will be a long time to heal

Why Auggy? Why? Why were you here? Why did we find you? Why are you gone? Why? What is left behind?

Gone Too Soon

to the person that took his life;

He was our first baby together that completed our family unit. You took a member of our family. WE are all numb. He had jsut made it to be a year old. His year birthday with us wasn't till August 1st. You took that from us. Our family.

At least it was quick. If it had to be, i am glad it was fast and he didn't lay there and suffer. WE didn't find him in pain and then have to make the horrible decision .................. Lyle is haunted with what he found ................

you stop for mother geese her babies. Traffic has been backed up for blocks to make sure a raccoon and her cubs cross or a duck and her mate ...... you don't stop for a confused cat? an Obviously domesticated Siamese that has gotten over (or under) the 6 ft chain link fence & 12 foot hedge to the right of you. He was barely a year old.

Did you even slow down for him?

or are you one of those people that aims for cats? speeds up even? you took away a member. A member of this family made up of 2 adults, a child, his best friend and a guinea pig (that he was forever trying to figure out).

Whisky searches for him already.........this will be hard for her .........

we will never know of the great hunter he was dreaming of being. He had just started to come into his adult life. his colors had darkened up. his personality................

He slept between us and every now and then had to wake us with affectionate licks.

I won't EVER forget him trying to get those licks in on my nose. he knows it bugged me so he would creep in real close and stealthy get his face as pointy as a siamese can and then sneak a lick.

for some people - their pets are just that. Pets. For us, they are members, very active members of our family. I hope you realize what you took from us today

We Love you Auggy

Its a day of rest for some ................. I've been on the books for 2 hours now.

Taking a break.

Thinking about my good friend and her gestating. I think Tomorrow i will start expecting the Flanger to start making their move towards the light. Not necessarily dilation, don't expect that till about ......... mmmmmm ......... Wednesday. Maybe Late Tuesday.......... Naaah late wednesday or thursday. Yup! but Flanger will start to pack its things and get ready to change apartments tomorrow........... of course once he/she begins to want to change spaces, it'll happen quickly. I am looking forward to it!

I am glad to have gotten the extension for my SDEB package!

this provides me with a practicum! YaY!. practical experience will be sooo good. It sucks that Mountains Sister and Brother-in-law are going to be here during all that time. I probably won't be able to visit. If i am not in practicum I will be looking for work or hopefully, fingers crossed, starting a New Job!

I worry about what i will do with Charlotte for the summer. Will we get to go camping? Will we get to do a road trip? We missed out last year, I really wanted to make it up to her this year.

I think about that stupid, stupid ring taht is STILL in the shed.

We were talking and joking about soemthing the other day. He made a comment in a joking fashion, that he should take the ring back. I looked him straight in the eye and said, "go ahead. It doesn't affect me any." his smile froze.

my mind is busy with thoughts of needing to tidy and organize my room some more so that when the brits come, so they will have a place for their luggage.

I am studying, and I don't know about you, but when I study i tend to pull out my eyebrows and crave munchies. its terrible I know! I think about my clothes taht I just bought in preparation for practicum. They are 2 sizes from where I have been my whole life. Not so bad I guess. I just hope I can get rid of some of this extra. I've been trying so hard. Hurt myself over trying so hard. .......... Well I guess if I maintain, that's ok. At least I am not going up!

ok -- back to the books i go!

later Dudes

SLUGS!

IN MY GARDEN EATING MY PETUNIA'S AND SUNFLOWERS!!!!

bastards!

Relapse?

Is it Or isn't it? this is the question. I really hope it is nopt because i have a very important date with my most favoritist girl tomorrow. We haven't done this since before my accident last year. I refuse to have this hurt it.

Alvin has been bugging me all week. Just little reminders that he exists. I have been repsecting his space and giving him lots of tender loving care. however, soemthing has pissed him off and he has been getting worse and worse since yesterday!

Stupid Leg! ALVIN!!!!

to top it of my sternum is friggin tight too. It needs to crack and won't. My back is tight. no migraine today. The doozy yesterday was horribly amazing! Haven't had one like that.

So off I go to pick up the kids from school.

WAs looking forward to my walk around the track today, but that ain't going to happen. I'll be lucky to get down the stairs ok.

i'll hook up my vibrator when i get back and see if I can work out the tightness of Alvin. Stretching always feels Gooooood. if I can't then I guess I have to call this a relaspe. DAmn It!

Stop being so uptight Alvin! Get Over yourself will ya!

Q-tips

August just ate half a Q-Tip! What The Hell cat!!!

that is gonna be uncomfortable when it comes out

Becuase I am such a good customer ....... my body shop ........ Paramount Collision ......... fixed my leaky trunk for free today!!! How wonderful is that?!!!

Thanks Mark!

drempt.......

drempt so many wierd things.

mostly about my wedding day. It was at this really big mansion. Which looked just like my girlfriends house except wasn't. It was apparently in mntns family? Some jack - ass that wasn't supposed to be doing the music was and fucked up my big entrance. but the tabernacle choir was there to sing ........... where were my ladies? I dunno. I had a cape on and my dad was wearing blue. like a blue golf shirt with suspenders and blue plaid shorts? as a matter of fact all the people that sat with me at this table while I ate a very nice desssert thingy (without mntn) all had capes on. I even had a viel!!! What The Hell! I tried to see my dress. It was all lace again. Seems i had one like that awhile ago. Then as i was waiting for it to all get started i walked around a corner and there was mntn sitting at this table in shorts. So I hid so that he didn't se me before the wedding. he just smiled and waved. It was all very wierd. and had Gone horribly wrong. What was with the tent and the curtains? Where was Charlotte? Why was my Sister wearing pink? and if we are having the wedding and getting ready to walk down the aisle, why are the caterers setting up right there? We were outside, which is fine but the tablescloths were all plastic and dark green and there were so many of them! how many people are coming to this wedding that is supposed to be mine but doesn't act like it? I wanted to rip of my viel and cape and go help them set up. Am I walking on a Red Carpet? What The Hell is this!

I am disturbed

I am disturbed

my 15lb accident

Remembered I'd done this last year. Found it on my Peri-menopause Blog. After starting to feel good that it wasn't MY infertility issue. I set out to lose that 10lbs I'd gained since meeting MNtn. So I had started a morning work out routine and figured I could be 10 lbs lighter by August.

May 5 2010

Now only a year later - I am weighing in at 150!!!! So this will be another documentation.
I am able to walk the track at Charlotte's school. I do my 3 times around. I can garden. but digiing with a full size shovel is still a no no. dumping my own wheelbarrow also a no no. Cutting my own lawn -- NOPE. taking out the garbage No.
So there's stuff, but I can make my own bed now!!! all by myself!!! YaY!!!
I will burn this! I will walk the track for my 3 times round. I will keep watching what I put in my mouth. I will get rid of this. I am determined!
i need all new clothes! I am going to be doing practicum and or Job plus professional week at school. I have 3 dress tops taht fit me and ONE pair of Dress pants. And the dress pants are long Capris!!! This is terrible. Even my bras are fucked up and stretched out. My t-shirts that are sized as "large" are too snug. ACK!!!!

150lbs Holy Shit! i NEVER thought I'd see the day!

Dreaming of Working *sigh*

I worked last night! ................. In my dreams ..........

just visiting a restaurant and they were busy so i of course jumped up to help. i hostessed and built drinks. It was a nice place to be. They needed lots of help with their staff and the level of service that was being given. So i was training and they hired me on. People I'd served for years were there. I got into it with a littel expeditor and was then my alarm went off and i woke up ....................... I MISS my Job!!!

I am going to bed. I know its early but ...............

so tired. and Trying to read and understand sureties and bonds is just not working out for me at the moment. Maybe if I sleep on my books it'll soak in on its own??

nitenite

Deleted then ignored ............ hmmmmmmm

My Brain is Dumb!

I can not concentrate. Having trouble retaining. My ADD is on high. Taking my omega 3's and B12 ........ ARG! I want higher thank you. The final is coming real soon and I want to more than just get my license. Kicking Ass would be much appreciated.

Gotta totaly stop this computer nonsense. Mntn Carp. Parenting? What the Hell is taht. No more showering or cooking dinner ....... gardening ...............

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

I must do better than this. And my Brain is not helping!!!!

clitoris? clematis?

my neighbor told me this story on Sunday. Sooooo funny!

for you gardeners out there ..............

let me see if I can write it how he told it. This is a true story and happened just the other day. He was at a funeral. One of the ladies there was talking with the reverend. The reverend asking how she was doing after her recent loss .......... she began talking about her garden and how she keeps busy now that spring is here. She talked about the flowers she had planted and what was coming up again. She talked about her beautiful clitoris that she has. She has a few! a pink one, white, even blue! It just opens up so full and beautiful. How she likes to just look at it ........ meanwhile ........ a few feet behind the reverend, an acquaintance (a man. not sure if it was her brother or friend....) what trying to shut her up. Running his finger across his neck, giving the 'cut' single. She averted her eyes and kept talking about her garden and her clitoris. The acquaintance came over to the group and changed the subject.

Afterward, while she was giving him shit about interrupting her, and ruining her conversation with the reverend, he asked what it as she called that flower. She told him. Then the light went on as she heard herself repeat it.

Oh No!

May 11th ...............

Sharing

so ............

I am nervous to drive today.

It was last year, the monday after mother's day that I got hit. Even though the true anniversary date is the 11th ............... I find myself nervous Today. I know it's normal, but ............ Frig. That few seconds changed soooo much.

I'll be fine I am sure.

Guess I'll be on the way back machine Tuesday.

Off to School I Go!!

Mom's Day For Me

What a wonderful day I had yesterday!

It actually started the night before. Charley, Mntn and I flicked on the TV to see what was on.

Pretty in Pink!

It warmed my heart to cuddle up to the Queen and share this movie with her. she liked it. She didn't want to turn it off. And she managed to keep her eyes open till 11 to see how it ended!

The next morning I got coffee topped with whip cream in bed(my fat cells jumped for joy) and yogurt. Then off they went ............ before 9 even, Charley and Mountain!

an Hour later they came home with bags of dirt and the yellow begonia's I had been talking about. YaY!!

Mountain left for his day -- that's another post -- and Lottie and I settled in to dig! I cleaned out the pond pump. Got grossed out cause, even though there is a pump and fountain in there, mosquito larvae are still managing to grow! BLECK!! (the last of our fish got eaten in the fall by a cat or a raccoon?) Charlotte had shared that she would really like a planter outside her playhouse. She drew up a plan. I surprised her by making it happen! Off we went to the nursery to pick up plants for her planter and a few more for me :) Next stop, the pet store to pick up some comet's for the pond. I'll not have those pesky critters breeding in there! Back home we came, after a quick lunch, that we enjoyed together under our umbrella on the patio, we set to work! Even the cats helped. So even though i planted sunflower seeds .......... dunno where or if they will come up. Kitties like to dig when they see you doing it. I spent the afternoon we doing the old garden! it was the plan for last year -- but it never happened cuase I was broken. But It happened this Year!!!! I repositioned my rocks, built up the dirt, raised the beds ............ what a fabulous day! I didn't get to do as much as I had wanted and had to stop a lot, cause I am still broken so I do have to take it slow and easy. Being Very aware of what my body is telling me. However, I got lots more done than I did by sitting on my Butt all last year staring at it and i am Thrilled!!!

Mountain came home with a bottle of wine for me and i sat. Didn't cook supper. Didn't wash dishes. Just sat. mostly cause my body was telling me so, but it was good.

I ache and hurt today. Some of it good old fashioned gardening pain, some of it car accident pain. Non of it debilitating. Just means I gotta take it slow for the next couple days to be sure it doesn't turn debilitating and I will be just fine!

The high-light for me was Pretty in Pink. How wonderful it was to share that 80's classic with her!

I really Enjoyed my Mother's day!

What a Great Mother's DAy!!!!

Wooooooo

Did I Get through To Him?

Is it Possible that we've turned a positive Corner?!!

i was straight with him about the consequences over this continued relationship he has with the ex. No more fighting Mntn. This is just what I am going to do and this is what is going to happen. No more negotiations. I'm Done. He said it will jeopardize his relationship with the kid. My response is that if it was about the kid, as SHE has always said it was, then it shouldn't. I told him that he has to separate her and the kid and she needs to do the same and if neither of you can ........... herein lies the problem and the very thing that has been a bur in my saddle for our nearly 4 years. So do it or I will. I am done being hurt over this and walking down the same path into the same wall. Or trying to change paths and finding the same bloody wall at the end of it. i am changing direction and I am going to go a completely opposite course! She doesn't get to be in my relationship with my boyfriend. She won't leave it. He hasn't tossed her out of it, so maybe i am the intruder. I feel like I did when I dated Tall Dude and he was with another woman. Only the other woman was me.

Who Does This?

signs a legal contract that is not filled in, (blank contract) leaves it with the person to fill in, and then goes back the next day to get their copy!

What The Hell!

can you sign me up a Blank Cheque Please?????

Mothers Day in coming!

Mothers day Weekend is upon us!

What are you doing?

Have a date with my nephews to build something special for their own mommy and both their gramma's. Looking forward to it!!

I applied for the extension for my package today.

I hope he manages it quickly and it gets in as soon as possible. *fingers crossed*

disapearing posts

yup - I am guilty of it.

Got some stuff floating in my head right now an I just have to get it out. but not always for everyone to read. So I post it to get it out and then put it away just for myself.

Why do i do that? Well cause I'm not really looking for any answers. Or justification on the matter. I mean. There's no reason to fight with him about it. it is what it is. I've fought as many fights as I can. and It goes in the same circle. Bottom line is I don't have any different angles to present. Just more fuel for the reasons.

I Love him very much. Very Much. However, I am at a wall. I am unable to get over it. I have tried and trie going around it. Its just not in me.

That's ok. Doesn't mean I am right. Just means I have limitations. Boundaries. he seems to be in the same place. No matter what I suggest to him or try for myself I am jsut not programed that way. Its ok. It just sucks is all. Cuz everything else is good.

but becaus of this breakdown. This one HUGE issue that is between us ...... i find myself getting more and more bitter towards him about the little things. That's not necessarily fair to him. No its just not fair to him. I still have a bit of a soft tongue when I describe him as "simple" but more and more the other has been coming out.

He really is a very kind, thoughful man. He works so hard and takes care of us here. He is loyal and has the most wonderful sense of humour. Caring, Generous. However........i can't, no matter how hard i have tried, over the last nearly 4 years understand or accept his need to have the level of relationship he does with his ex. No that's not right. I do understand. I am frustrated that he doesn't and won't admit it if he does.

Anyhow - yes disapearing posts. That last part might be vanished too .........

Sometimes Hurt over-rides the Love and that sucks cuz i don't want to do it. I just dont see any other way -- now I seek advice -- any other suggestions?? Anything I haven't yet tried???

I want to save this!

STUDY!

STUDY!

STUDY!

Next Test is on The Whole First Book!!! I Want a 90!!!

I soooo hope I can be working by mid-July.