Having a Birthday sure makes you think about stuff.
I've thought about things I've learned in the lat 20 years. Experiences I've had. Life that has happened to me and I to it. WoW! I haven't necessarily accomplished what I had hope to, but for the struggles I have had because of choices I've made.....I think I've done damn good!
how many woman can spend most of their adult life ...... single ...... doing a Job that they LOVE. Even though it didn't net me a lot of money, I managed to make it work. Raise a daughter, alone. Manage a home, alone. and Buy a house, alone. Those are some great accomplishments! Now I have a partner and I can't believe I Ever did it, alone!
I think about the boyfriends I have had. The time spent with them trying to make it work. Trying to have what I saw other people having. Trying to be loved. The heartbreak, over and over and over again when it Never worked out. Things that I've learned.......about myself. About people.......
so Grateful that I have him. and He truly, truly loves me.
Its sad to think I went for 20 years without truly being loved by a man. Feeling what its like to have someone just accept. Going for years being used, abused and tossed aside. Rejected, but I did, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Its a very lonely time. I can only think of one person that has been there off the top of my head. My friend. he is male and he's been there. I tell you, you don't want to be. being alone and lonely is horrible. Makes you do some crazy things. Sometimes compromising who you are and what you believe in.
Now onto my recovery -
Its been 3 wks tomorrow since I ended in tears on my kitchen floor from pain from standing. I am hoping that was the last relapse. So far its been about every 3-4 wks that I have one. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I slept like shit last night. Back to my back HURTING while I sleep. My hip tender today. I have been working at my exercises. I am getting so much better. There are things I have troubles doing. Like sitting on the floor. That's not usually a good idea. I used the wall at my party to help while I squatted to talk to children. Bending over and over again is not always a good idea either. but at least I can do it now! I sit with moderate pain constantly. I went out and splurged last week. a Whole 13 dollars! bought myself these girdley pants that hold everything in. Whatta ya know it helps keep my ass from hurting! Neat.
So I have lots to think about now that I might actually be getting better enough to go back to my old job.
Do I want to go back? Yah, I do. To that place? well I dunno. To a new restaurant. sure! but I am scared, cuz now I am damaged. What if I go and suddenly something happens and can't do the job. I am now one of those people that can say, "i have a bad back. Sorry I can't lift that" there is not really any place for wimps in the serving industry.
I've turned into a girl - BLECK!
i have been putting my resume out for reception jobs, but have yet to be called for one. i don't have any experience and what If I suck at that too!
I have talked to EI about re-training. I don't qualify until my disability runs out. That's not till January. So what I live off the system till January? That's not really my style.
Do I try to return part-time and see if I can do it? If I can't ..... go back on disability and then try to get re-trained in the new year? or Do i just keep sending my resume out till something comes up? What if I can't go on disablity again?
I am scared. I am scared of that pain again. I am terrified when I feel the k-nick in my hip ..... is that going to lead to a day down or will I be ok. so I sit. As soon as that happens, I sit. Well I can't very well do that at a job now can i? then what? i keep going and then Yeah - I end up down for a day or two or.......I don't want to screw over a new job! and I guess as long as I still have the k-nick and the fear I need to still just sit here.
I don't know.
Sometimes I have such great days! I mean I made it thru my birthday and Charley's with stretchy pain in my hip, but I managed. I ached while I did the girls make - up. That hurt. but I managed. It was only 1 moment in 1 day.
The next day, my party - I was 3 sheets to the wind. I hurt when I poured that first glass of wine, and was reminded of the ache a few times during the evening. But I like to appear fine in front of people. I've learned how to stand, how to keep my back straight, how to sit so I appear ok. However, if I can feel pain while drinking its probably hurting like it is today only I don't feel it.
Today isn't....... I went to Wal-Mart this morning and walked with a buggy for an hour. I was pretty glad to sit in my car......so maybe......I don't know. I just feel like such a loser. I can walk in my house, but I have difficulty's walking in a store? Its so stupid. And I am just getting fatter and fatter. UGH! Like the first couple times i squatted to talk to the kids I managed, but after about the third time, I knew i shouldn't be doing it anymore.
The other thing is that this is The prime-time of year to get hired on somewhere! I don't want to miss out on an opportunity. Then I ask my self the question of what opportunity? Why shouldn't I use the system? enjoy having a Christmas season off and continue being a mom, and then get re-trained for something better in the winter. I mean logic would dictate that I now have a bad back. Really what is my time limit for being a server? if I do manage and do the job, who's to say that in a year from now I am right back to where I am? Only missing the other opportunity of the chance to get re-trained? and then i also ask myself, what do i even want to do other than serve?
*my voice is getting high and squeaky in my head now*
too many questions. Too much pride. So much fear.
What would you do?
Then I am worried about how this will all look in the long run to ICBC. I hate that i even think about them. Whatever. Its not about them. Its about me and my well being. But I can't help it.
i am not "holding out" because i am claim building. I am not "holding out" so i can get more money. I just want to be able to work and provide for my family! I want to be able to work part-time and be a wife and mom the rest of the time. Do I think about my "claim" damn rights I do! I am terrified of that too! I hate how I must appear to those around me. I have people telling me I 'can't" I have other people telling me I am working the system. I have my own work ethic eating away at me.
but isn't that what got my into this to begin with? my work ethic? Never say quit! Never say never! and Defiantly never say Can't!
i don't know what to do. I need advice I need my head to be quiet I need............help
help Me.........help me sort my thoughts...........HELP!
and that's just a brief look at what's been going on inside my head for the last - month
1 comment:
First of all you are not working the system. You are looking for a job that your body can do. That is admirable, just because you haven't found it yet doesn't mean you aren't goal oriented. Secondly that money is yours. We pay into a system that guarantees us safety when we are injured. That money is yours and they are giving it back to you. Lastly, what good are you to the system trying to work broken? That would add more strain to the system having you bounce around on and off disability for the next 30 years. I think you need to rest and rehabilitate until you can work or find a job you can sit. That makes the most sense.
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