Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I am A Mess

just went to take my car in

put my signal on to turn left.  I turned it on and braked long before the turn.  I am watching the white pick-up way behind me getting closer and closer and going really fast.  He Finally see's me.  
Slams on his brakes.  I listen to the screeching tires.  I see his back-end fish tailing out behind him.  I see the vehicle behind him braking like crazy too.  The screeching in harmony now.
Again I see a white grill and steel bumper coming at me thru the rear-view mirror.  
FUCKER Your Going To Hit Me!!!!
not again!
i take my foot off the brake and pull 10/20 feet forward as he narrowly misses my car.

my body is tighter than it was.  I am reduced to tears after I make the corner and have to pull over.  I am scared.  So scared.  I phone Mntn and leave a message.  I take my car in and the guy there can see that I am visibly shaken up.  Tears on my face.  
I don't want to drive anymore.
Is there some wierd cosmic energy out there that I need to be in a horrible car wreck?  That it won't stop till it gets me?  If there is and I can't avoid it - just let it happen when Charlotte is Not with me........

I know that sounds bizaare for me to say, but 2 other times last week i was nearly broadsided.  Not as close as this morning though.
Had I not taken my foot off the brake - he would have hit me.  I'd be part of an accident scene.  I really messy one.
Each time its closer.  I hope there isn't a next one.

I have the courtesy car now.  hopefully people can see it and I don't have to drive scared anymore.
see my doctor today.  my back is tight.  My spine.  My tailbone?  how wierd is that.  My hips.  I guess its my pelvis.  I was up for a few hours in the night cuz the ache woke me.  Such an ache and I can't get comfy.  I fall asleep sitting up for a bit.  The stress of losing hours from work and how am I going to manage.......bills, mortgage, food.  Money that I have socked away for a few things - will be gone in no time.
and i go back to being scared, but for different reasons

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