and i'm an........
Now you see I had every intention of finishing that sentence and it just looked so cold so final. The words just staring at me.
I got up this morning sober.
Sober for the first time-well i'll just leave it at that.
James invited me to church.
Thank you.
i went. I cried. Charley played with Ozzie.
Before I picked her up from my moms I went thru my house and pulled out all the liquor bottles and put them in a box.
The box is now in the trunk of my car.
I called Tall Dude. He hung up on me.
I called back and left a very long very sorry very tearful message of goodbye. I don't expect to ever hear from him agian.
Only thats all I hope for. To hear from him again. Even though he is in a bad place right now and therfore bad for me. Oh how i fixed things. I fixed things but good!
I let my inner psyscho out and I couldn't get her back in fast enough before she did irrepairable damage.
Steph and I.......
Steph truly loves me and I truly love her I believe that love will carry us thru. Not right now, but in time.
time is the only thing.
So today in day 1
I am lonely.
i am scared.
My heart is in millions of peices.
I keep crying in these intermittant phases.
i hate living sober its so damn much like that!!!
but I love my relationships more. I have so very few.
Tall Dude broke my heart. So so badly. I left so much out.
Steph knows all of it.
and I took my broken heart and all the pain he gave to me and I forced it on Steph.
I was wrong.
I was wrong for doing that to her.
I was wrong for the things I did to Tall Dude after.
I was wrong I was drunk and my judgement was extinct.
I fucked up.
And now I will get better.
I know what the solutions are I will now apply them.
I miss my friend.
She is such a good friend and I Fucked up.
My sister has been so great. Damn funny too!
Doodle thank you for your honesty
Lioness your MSN/notes.
Miss K. your support.
Jen your words.
Liz your call.
Muck your experience.
James you're non-judgemental ways.
d. the encouragement
Tom your ear
Thank you.
Hi. My name is Kristi and I'm an alcoholic.
17 comments:
powerful words and empowering too. lean on God and not on your own understanding and He will see you through this hard time. I am truly happy for you and I know daddy is as well....stay strong
it was good seeing you at church. one step at a time. I sat there waiting for you to come and throwing the frisbee for my dog. then i had another kid come up to me and he started playing frisbee with her too.
the park is a pretty beautiful place. nice views.
charlette was pretty cool too. i got to learn about some of her pets. she seemed to like Aussie and i thought that was neat. I like seeing kids/people smile and have fun.
stuff will work out and you have friends by your side. even if you don't think you do. some of us are just quiet! :)
praying for you and your family.
I am so proud of you! I know that this is a very public place for you... and that would have been very difficult statement for you to make. You are also in my heart, I want you to get better. Maybe we can start again.
The first step is the hardest... good for you!
Shoot!!
The Sunday I'm away your there? What are the odds?? I would have loved to give you a hug.
It's a big step you've made, a good step. Thinking and praying for you.
I know that this was a difficult choice for you, but I know that you are strong enough to make it. It takes guts to recognize and work on our downfalls--and we all have them in some form! Good for you for dealing with yours head on.
Kristi:
Good for you girl! I've been in AA a little over 4 1/2 years now (my "sobriety date" is Jan 3rd) and I know the struggle it can be. We have a lot of "slogans" in AA, but they are all firmly rooted in truth. One Day At A Time is my personal favorite. I can't think about not drinking the rest of my life! But I can always think about not drinking today...and that works for me. Not sure if you're going to try AA, personally I don't believe it's for everyone. For the truly desperate like I was when I showed up, I've never seen it fail. No matter what course you take, realize you are not alone. God will help if you only ask...and put one foot in front of another. When I get truly down, sometimes just my lovely daughter can pull me out of it. Hang in there and best of luck to you...
Perry
PS...trash the box soon! :O)
There is so much more to life than alcohol. You can leave it behind. I hope that you do, because it is causing you way more misery than it is worth. I'm wishing you the best.
thank you
Jen.. your dad how I miss him. You are certainly following in his footsteps
James.. thank you for the hug. It was so good to be there. I jsut really needed to be there. Thank you for inviting me.
Steph..I Love you and I miss you so so so very much!
d...Thank you for believing in me
Lioness..please be there for me
Michelle..HAHA!!! see how you should just never miss church!
Oh Doodle..do you know how much you have truly helped me? Thank you!
Perry..I was sober for 4 1/2 years when, like my sister said, I "thought i was better." She is so funny. "you are not the first alcoholic to think you're cured" just makes me laugh when I replay her words in my head. I didn't think i was cured. Just kinda thought I could handle it.
Clearly out of my mind.
Gary..Thank you. I can leave it behind.
Thank you. All very very much
wow... first time here and this is what I read. I hope that this is the beginning of a new life.
Though I do not know you I am supporting you and behind your steps everyday. It won't be easy and lean on all of us. Lean on God and he will give you the inner strength that none of us nor you can give yourself. Way to go Kristi, I am so happy for you! I will continue to pray for you.
(((((((hugs))))))))
Thank god for mistakes. Funny, I just wrote about that on my blog. I'm so thankful for all of mine.
anytime. thats what friends are for. friends don't judge, don't try to fix, and don't give up. friends stand by and are just there for their friends.
thats how i see it anyway.
K, I am sorry I haven't been reading lately. Been going through some stuff, too, but not like you have. Been thinking about you. And, as others have mentioned, realizing what you are dealing with is the first step. *hugs*
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Every day is a new beginning. Every day is a gift.
I'm so glad you are now on your way to being ok.
LOL @ being better/cured. Next time you decide that, I am so going to kick your ass. hehe. I feel like I never said enough.
love you whole big bunches.
Good for you and very brave. You'll do it because the very first step is being honest with yourself.
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