So after the tearful voicemail I left for Tall Dude on Sunday he texted me that night.
I immediatly called my sister to ask her advice.
I talked with her for an hour until her battery died.
i hung up and got ready for bed. Cause it was way past my bedtime.
The phone rang.
it was him.
He felt bad. He didn't want to leave things the way they had been left. He was calling to say goodbye.
His feelings for me have stopped.
He knows he hurt me.
He knows he put me there.
He knows I reacted as i did because I was so hurt.
He never wanted to hurt me and feels horrible.
We can work thru things I say. I love you. We can work thru anything.
I jsut don't see how thats possible he says. I don't work thru things. I jsut don';t.
But is that what you truly want? Is it? Never to see me again?
I could barely hear anything he was saying. He is such a low talker. His phone cuts out so much. I cried and cried.
You can't jsut stop loving me. It doens't work like that.
Love is love. It just is.
than you never really loved me to begin with.
it wans't about sex.
We weren't about that. We were just honestly really into each other.
I went to Wal-Mart yesterday, in the middle of the afternoon, to get new first day of school shoes for Charlotte. The parking lot was full. Christmas time full. There must have been at the very least....3000 people there!
I walk in the front door.
Guess who's walking out......
Tall Dude
So I sit here today. Alone. After dropping Charley off for her first day.
The first day of school is always hard for me. I always cry.
Driving away with my dark sunglasses on.
My heart is jsut aching cause my little girl is in grade 3!
I want to phone Steph.
Of course i can't.
Than I think of calling Tall Dude.
Of course i can't.
I text my sister. She's been so good this last week.
i have yet to hear from her. She is working.
I stop at the corner and jsut cry. it hurts. It jsut all hurts.
Now i sit here in my pain.
The pain I am so familiar with that jsut seems to be part of who I am.
Truth is I don't want to be sober.
Yah. I know its a problem.
but my insides hurt too much and I just don't care anymore.
Sober or not I'm sitting here hurting and alone.
5 1/2 yrs ago I wanted it. I wanted the change bad.
Now......
I've lived that way and I've lived this way.
I just don't care anymore
Either way.....
All I feel is hurt and lonliness.
Some of it i put there. some of it........just is.
All of it I want gone!
12 comments:
I don't know what to say. I beleive that every thing in our lives is the result of our choices. The ripple effect, ya know?!?! Anyways, whether you like it or not, this is where you are. You are the only one who can change your life. I think it all starts with attitude. Ya, Charley is already in 3rd grade. It's hard to watch your baby grow up because it inevetibly mean growying away. But, don't forget to remind yourself of the fact that she is the great kid she is because of all you sacrificed for her. Of all the choices you made for her. because you do what needs to be and then go and do a little more. She's a great kid. You did that. And for most of her life, you did it sober. I honestly beleive that you would not have been able to be the great mother you have been if you had been drinking. That hasnt changed.
I know you well enough to know that you will make the right choice for Charley's sake, even if you don't feel the desire to do it for you own sake right now.
Tall dude... well... I don't know what to say. I am forever the optimist, so I want to say just back off and give him some time to think things through. But I don't know all the circumstances. If he really isn't good for you, then maybe this the better thing?!?
Either way, I'm sorry he hurt you.
Take it one moment at a time.
It's so hard when things suck to stay sober. I hear what you're saying, totally. Last year when my father in law was dying I felt like that- what does anything matter anyways, I said. But yno, it didn't help things at all. In fact, it took way longer to heal because I was intoxicated and using it as a crutch. I remember one night not long after his funeral I was a write off, and I stood and stared at myself in the mirror and asked myself is this who I wanted to be ?
So ask yourself who it is YOU want to be.
And go become that person.
Not for anyone else, but for you.
Kristi,
There comes a time in a persons life when they have to decide what is important to them and what road they want to take.
God has a beautiful path set out for you and you just have to want to choose the right path.
The love that you have for Charlotte is obvious. Give her the love and attention from a sober Mom. You will be a better parent becuase of it!
- From a friend of a friend -
Thing is I'm not a great mom.
i spend a lot of time depressed.
A depression that subsided when I started drinking again.
Sure I had some rough spots, but for the most part.....I was a happier less yelly just hangin out mom.
Stress didn't get to me as much. Cause of course i had a release and a social life!
i was a little more layed back
So even though I fucked up and I know I did in a big way......
i have a real hard time thinking its better.
and i know you wonder......yes I am still sober.
I might be real down on myself, but I'm not the drunk y'all seem to think.
I spiralled and crashed becasue I was in an emotional place of boyfriend anxiety.
but before that I was totally managing just fine.
Drinking responsibly, saying no, or just not wanting to.
NEVER Driving!
Maybe I'm making excuses.
maybe I'm jsutifying.
maybe I'm not convinced.
Maybe a lot of things.
But living sober was a waaay darker place.
Support me and thats nice to have, but once I'm in there andI've done this great job.....I'm all alone and its still the same.
Thank you Muck and your friend.
I don't mean to sound like a bitch. I am grateful. Just very unsure
i'll get there
thanks to The holy mother too!!!
What about what you loss when you are sober vs. drunk. Like I said last week, you were miserable sober too. I don't think alcohol is the issue. There are bigger demons at hand. Find your higher power. Drunk or sober your faith will get you the happiness you desire.
~me~
I'm not drinking!!
Not!!
Just having a really bad day!
You were a good mom when I saw you with charlette. I think you love her a lot and want the best for her.
your doing a good job.
Believe in yourself. I know how hard it is to do. i struggle with believing in myself. but I know its possible.
it does seem easier to numb the pain...
what is right and what is easier are not neccessarily the same thing.
i beleive in you and that you can kick the drinking and get healthy without it. It is possible. =)
You lost everything when you were drunk! You did it all drunk. At very least sober you weren't lashing out at the people who were there every time you fell down. At least sober you were dealing with each problem one at a time and not letting everything build up so you let loose on the first one in your path. That is why you should stay sober... You can't control you or your emotions drunk.
Hang in there girl.
I think you aren't a drinker, you just drank.
Shit happened.
You aren't "a drunk".
Bad choices, sure.
Bad timing, sure.
Drunk ? No.
That's not you.
Sad, depressed, lonely, learning who you are....
Yes.
But you are okay.
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