do you know what its like to suddenly realize how alone you truly are?
to wake up and have nothing.....no purpose.
I dropped her off at school and then................nothing. I have nowhere to be. No one to see. No one that i can call. Nothing to do except clean the house Again.
Depressed. Depression. All around me.
This is awful. i want out!
I'm sure there's lots. but i can't see it casue the depression blanket is covering my eyes.
Fuck! i hate this!
the only reason to get up is to get daughter to school and then pick her up again.
I can't find her rabbit.
I am so sad.
She is soooo sad.
Sinking sinking sinking
I thought Steph and I were working thru things. i didn't expect it to be easy, but I didn't expect it to be over. I've tried and I don't know what else to do. I've given space. I've not given space. I'm lost.
I miss the Tall Dude so much it hurts to breath.
He dropped a movie off for me last night and left right away.
i feel so utterly hopeless.
i mean really hopeless.
I did so much of this to my self. And so much of it just is. and......
i can't find the rabbit. I'm supposed to be Charlottes hero. I can fix anything. But i can't fix this. her heart hurts so much and so does mine and now it hurts even more and I just want to go away.
there is nothing for me here anymore.
i've done so much damage that can't be mended. No job. No partner. No companion.
I'm trapped within my own emotions and i am having a hard time finding my way out.
What do i have?
The most beautiful daughter in the whole world!
Matching furniture. A fluffy white cat. Dishwasher. I like my bed. I just got a sheepskin rug from my Nana last week. Its pretty nice.
the roof over my head has stopped leaking. My garden is nice.
i hope i get that job. Than at least i will have a reason to have a shower and wear deodorant.
yah know what?
i don't think I am okay.
17 comments:
Oh darlin' so sorry you are hurting inside. Sorry I haven't been around much lately too.
Depression sucks, but you are a wonderful person with soooo much to offer hang on to that and be strong for you and that kiddo.
Hugs to you!!!!
~B
This to shall pass. They will reach out to you. Don't Fug it up when they do. I wish I could be there for you to put your head on. I know what you need is the companion. Those 2 people were more important to your overall well being and health than anyone knew. All 3 of you need mending. All 3 of you need to mend each other. Tall Dude to Steph. Steph to Tall Dude. Both of them to you.
This to shall pass. Do what you need to not to sink. Don't go under. Don't give in to it. FIGHT!!!!
They need to go to her. Can we get them to her? Can we help mend this? Can we? Does anyone know the Tall Dude?
Steph she needs you. Sober or not she needs you.
~
Everyone's health is at stake here..."anonymous". There are more people to consider than the black hole that she has created for herself. Kristi I told you I wouldn't watch you self destruct. I can't be your crutch. I love you enough to wait for you to find the solutions that you need. I believe you will find healing but you have to do it because you want to. I can't make you want to be healthy.
Wow steph.
you were kind on the answering machine but so harsh here.
whats up with that?
seems strange
Who is this me? They are starting to annoy me. They have left comments on both mine and Jewels blog. The harshness is due to this person annoying me. I haven't said anything here I haven't said to you in person. I am not making this public you are.
hmmmm.
not sure who it is.
i gaveup trying to figure it out awhile ago.
personally I think its a different person each time.
as far as public goes.......
you are right i did make it public today. Today is a particularly hard day.
what i meant by strange was that in person or while speaking yes you do say these things. I jsut find it interesting that you the omitt the nicities here and only show your softness juzt to me.
thats all.
its fine.
she does and has said it all to me.
she is not as harsh in person.
and she has been very supportive
everything just takes time is all
i've been in that place before. not the same situation. but i know how it feels to not think i have a purpose. wake up and nothing.
I just know the feeling. i don't have any nifty advice. hang in there. I'm praying for you.
Wow lady - talk about the weight of the world on your shoulders!
Now is the perfect time to grab some ice cream and start munching!!
I actually don't really know what to say to you - I mean really - what can I possibly say to cheer you up. Life is what you make it. You have to decide that it is worth living and worth fighting for. I thought that you had learned something from Larry - at least that is what you told me. You are too strong to need a crutch and if you need to lean perhaps it's time to reconnect with the family. I am here for you when you need to talk but I cannot fix anything.
((HUGS!))
Steph can't you see.... Kristi is me.
What?
and who the hell are you?
I have waaay to many anonymous readers. This is getting creepy!
OH Muck. This sucks. I hate it when you are feeling so alone and depressed. It is an amazing testimony of your heart that you hurt so for Charley's sadness and loss. As a mom, I know you want to protect her from those hurts, but alas, you cannot. At least, not from the sadness that comes with loss.
I hate when you are hurting...
this is a hurt i don't know.
i am in a place i don't know.
no, you anonymous moron, i am not "me" How fucking stupid would that be! We all have counters on our sights. Can't disguise an IP address dilhole!
but now anonymous peopel can't comment. Way to screw that for everyone.
Larry did teach me a lot. a lesson I hope to go back to later.
the thing is i don't think there will ever be an end to it.
I will always be at battle with the depression.
Its hereditary as a good friend reminded me this morning.
diet and vitamins have been working for years. But now it has changed along with my age and body. so i need to fight harder and get bigger better stronger weapons!!!
losing people i love.....rabbits......my daughter hurting.....all makes it stronger. Its got a foothold on me now and I honestly don't know if I will make it to the other side.
I'm sorry to all of you that I've hurt. Recently and in the past.
Take care
and Blog on
Kristi you don't have to go through these things alone - go and get some counselling. Getting the weight off your shoulders alone, will ease the burden of it all and you'll find there is room to breathe and set one foot in front of the other through the tunnel until you see the light. It all passes ... you just have to keep finding ways to keep going.
8 of swords
EXACTLY!!!!
hey. I think I will do that. Its been awhile. Maybe i will gain some insight and my soul will be calmed.
thanks for the reminder HMG
http://www.biddytarot.com/swords/eightswords.html
Yno that post on my blog with Lucy from Peanuts ? I'm totally serious that it seems like everyone is going through a tough time right now. Just know that everyone has difficulties, in varying degrees and areas of their lives. It's how we deal with those issues that results in them either resolving or compounding, and which direction we choose our life to go in. We create our own destiny. Read the link about 8 of swords and hopefully it will help u realize that even though we FEEL bound, stuck, trapped, screwed over by life, all we need to do is take off the blindfold and walk forward on the path ahead of us.
See your path. Go.. walk ! Be free !!!!
I think I would opt for church. It works for me, but your mileage may vary.
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