Bad?

do i feel badly for letting loose on some unsuspecting girl?

yes part of me does, but part of me sooo does not.

I am angry.

i am angry for my own shit, but i am angry that she hurts one of my friends while nearly a year ago she bothered another.  It pisses me off to read all that she puts her 'family' thru.  and why does her insignificant life even register for me?  I'm not sure.

I don't like that people around her hold their tongues as to not rock the boat while she barrels thru leaving carnage in her path of emotions and hearts.  People that can't say anything so they don't lose another loved one.  

Choices being made by this woman to lock out love to her betrothed.  That bothers me most of all!  Plans that have been made thrown to the wayside so that She can win.  Win what?  Some wierd secret war that she has forged to hurt and cut out the people that love him.  More than 1 can love a human being.  It is allowed.  Its nice actually.  The more you are loved by others is a wonderful gift.

Why do I unleash my anger?  

I don't really give 2 shits about this woman to be quite honest.  Sure there's stuff that she's done that pisses me off.  Things that she's said to people I care very much for..........I armour up.  But truly, I am unleashing and putting my anger there.  She is my scapegoat.  I have so many emotions flying around inside me these days.

Anger being formost and probably most important right now.

There is no cycle.  I've been charting like crazy.  My hopes went up when i thought I actaully knew what I was doing and ovulated.  Now only to be on day 32/33 of no period.  No pregnant Uterus to concentrate on.  Every morning I wash my face and have noticed how different my skin has become.  How soft. It is beginning to look like the skin of the ladies I remember sitting with in the church choir.  The fine soft hair that is growing.  Some not so soft.  

All thats left is my fear that is growing that I won't get my period at all.  That my cycle is done.  that I might have a slight chance my ovaries will spit out another couple of eggs.......my Anger at my doctor that he didn't just listen to me when I went to see him the first time Months ago.  The voices and comments of the last 5 years that I am too young to be peri-menopausal, that I don;t know what I am talking about.  The hormones over the last few years and how they played with my my body and then my mind.  The feelings of guilt and unworthiness that I can't give the man I love the bloodline he has waited for his Whole life.  The disapointment of not being able to grow another human.  I LOVED being pregnant.  I loved it sooo much.  I've been waiting for this.  Waiting till I could do it again.  Being able to give Charley a sibling.  Her bloodline.  A special connection.  I never realized it till now that she and Mntn have that in common............I want to cry.........

but instead I will turn that to anger.

I will be angry

I've given my first anger to the woman, now I will stop cuase truthfully I have better things to do and I'm strangley not into the drama.  Thought I would be.  I'm almost disapointed.  I feel badly that I probably thru her into a tailspin and I'm sitting over here with very few emotions about it.  Fuck, I am a Bitch!

How cold is that?

huh, I Do feel bad........  

Guess thats good then.  I don't run high on anxiety like I used to, adrenelin.  so there's a positive from this thing they call menopause - Zen has come.  

Sure my mind is speeding along, almost racing but not quite.

So I will continue to wait for my cycle.  I feel like I did when I was 14.  Maybe I should borrow The C's Judy Blume book,  'Are You There God its me Margaret?'

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