I find myself thinking about so many things.
Life with.
Life without.
The pole in my ass.......... I can be, and I think be known for, being anal about a few things.
Everyone has faults. Lord knows I do! Everyone has things or does things we don't always agree with about each other.
There was one large straw on my back. It has now been joined by another. Wierdly enough, all the little straws that were laying around that i just walked on and was content just walking on have found a life of their own. They keep being attracted to the other straws on my back and then jumping off again! Bastards! They are playing with me!!! I am still trying to shift the 2 straws that are there to see if i am even able to carry them, let alone this teasing wieght that keeps bippin' on and off. How can i adjust and balance when that keeps happening?
We all have baggage that we accept and carry for the sake of our relationship. Stuff that we can accept as ok. Stuff that we know is there. Stuff that we can live thru and manage. Stuff that maybe doesn't directly affect us cause its the past......WE ALL HAVE IT! and personally, I think its a gift if you can find someone willing to carry it with you for life.
Do I want to carry this stuff?
CAn I handle this 'stuff' and its growth?
Can I handle the other straws that formed the ladder on the other side of my back?
I think about the other baggage I have tried to carry. I think about the baggage my past has given me. I measure that baggage to this..........What was uglier. do I want to go back to the ugly? or even take the chance?
i feel like the game show "Let's Make a Deal!" the door I choose is the one I get.
I think about my feelings and how strong they are. I think about all the good and whiegh it against the bad.
I'm sorry if i appear shallow. But money is a big deal to me.
Not having any is one thing. Having less than 2x of nothing!!
Even if it was just credit cards, i might be able to live with that.....but being in debt to overdraft - that is too much! he is still in the hole before he pays his bills even with his whole check deposited!!! And he doens't make bad money! He actually does ok! Even with my nasty debt....i still had 'money' i live check to check forsure. but he is living from check to check beyond check, check and check.
So i am thinking, analyzing, playing out my future, Charlottes and wondering if its shards of the pole flaring up, PMS, cold feet, fear...........
beyond all of THAT he is very wonderful. he is kind, sweet, helpful, generous, thoughtful, funny, loving.......
but once again, does or can all of that outwheigh the 2 straws on my back?
1 comment:
You are very wise Kristi. The thing about living with debt as a couple is that you BOTH have to be prepared to knuckle down and get it paid off. If he chooses not to, then it has the potential to drag you and your daughter down with it. Not a good idea. As a team it can be resolved ... but not if you are on different wavelengths over it. It simply becomes a bone of contention between you (straw) that gets bigger and bigger, right along with the debts.
I don't envy your choice here.
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