me too. So far more pro's than con's. Which is great! but can pro's and con's hold different wieghts? do you follow me? can to pros equal 1 con or can 1 con need 4 pros to beat it? or is there 1 pro that trumps all cons?
I know how difficult the kid can be... my hubby and I are on the same page... have always been. He has always been really supportive of any decisions I make and has always fought for something I believe is right or wrong with her mom. He has never been close with her mom..... it's STILL REALLY difficult! IF she is able to get between you... she WILL! And it will tear you apart if he isn't fully behind you! The things that bother you.... will only get worse.... SHE will only get worse as teens approach (TRUST ME!) and if she gets worse where will that leave you guys and Queen? These are the talks you guys need to sort out. Rules. Sit down and hash out some guidelines and rules... for each of you.... and each of you regarding kids.
blending family can be hell. There are so many gray areas that need to be sorted into a more black and white, so you can be on the same page.
This situation sucks. You frustrations are not unfounded. You are not being unreasonable.
Maybe I am the wrong person to give any input considering we have had D's ex as a houseguest more than once, and have also invited my ex to important events of the kids'. But I don't hang with my ex. Oh except for that one time he bought me a coffee cause we met to get Lex some soccer equipment. But that lasted like 20 mins, not all day long. And when D's ex is here, I show her around and take her and Sam places, not D. Or we have all gone places together. Yes, it's weird but under our circumstances, it works ok and it has shown Sam that we are all a team when it comes to her. WE are definitely not the normal blended family. lol
Soooo... as far as pro's and con's ... ya I think they can hold different weight. And this one friggin big con! I think there are only two real questions here... (1) Are you ready and willing to lose him over this? (2) Can the two of you find a compromise that works for you BOTH? Sadly, it doesn't sound like he is getting it at all.
I wonder if he is really ready and willing to lose you over this.
yes Muck you have, but NOT in the first couple years of your relationship. you've been given years as has 'D' to get to that point where old relationships can find a new place in your lives.
Imagine 'D' saying to you, while you were engaged......'S' is coming to stay or I am flying out to Minnesota and since I have no place to stay I'll be staying at 'S' house. It's ok. I'll be on the couch. Or you came home from work when you still lived here and found a message from 'D' saying he and 'S' took their daughter shopping all day, went for lunch and then dinner. Making a whole special day of it. You'd have Flipped! FoF- see.....one of the problems is that he won't talk to me about anyhting. We don't see this situation the same and thats the frustrating part. He does not see who Teag is becoming nor does he recognize that his behaviour with the mother as being wrong. His favorite way to talk is leaving........ will it get worse? Yes I am sure it will. Can I live with it? I can so far with lots of anxiety, sick tummy and wine. Does he realize that i am really really upset by this? I don't think so. Losing him is not something I want to do. As he has been the best thing to walk into my life during my 20 years of dating. Then again I measure my relationship with Mr. big to this......he didn't love me. but he sure as Hell respected my feelings! So if I give this up......being in a loveless respected relationship ain't so bad.
Okay.... compramize is important in any relationship... yes, we accept and love people with flaws and all. BUT you can't let what scares you (being alone or compared to other 'loosers') make you stay with someone. You can't compare to loosers and say well, I'll put up with this because it's better than some loosers. That said.... communication is CRUTIAL for any relationship to be successful! If his form of communication is walking away ... this girl isn't the only problem in the relationship. There will be many more difficult talks that need to be made along the way and if you are left standing alone wondering where you stand..... that doesn't sound like a very healthy, loving place to be. You need to be able to talk about things and perhaps that should be your number 1 .... we sit and talk about this, no walking out on eachother! Cuz it sucks being the one always being walked out on! I truly believe there is someone out there for you (it may well be him, I don't know) but there IS someone out there who will respect you, value you, love you, and talk things out with you! Not that it will be easy but someone who is willing to fight with you because they would rather fight with you than be with anyone else. You just have to have the standards for it! If you have dated loosers it's because you have allowed yourself to..... and you can do better. If you feel mountain is the one... then fight for it, but don't give up your dignity and respect just to be with him.... compramize is one thing..... but there needs to be communication and respect or it won't work no matter how much you want it to! :)
advice about being alone from people that have never been alone - MY FAV!!!
sorry i know that sounds snarky. but when you have dated and been and relationshiped as much as I have ....... a good friend asked me not to long ago if you can ever get the whole package? the dream inside your head? Everything that you expect? my answer..........no
I think once you adjust your "whole package" you can. there is not One person out there that has EVERYTHING we want or expect or dream about. Thats an awful Lot of perfect rolled up into one person. he would explode!
but thats what dating is all about. Finding out what fits and what doens't. What is acceptable and what isn't.
Competing with another woman is not my idea of a good time. Once a year. Ever. Do I have all the best of Him? Can i handle once a year? Can I handle ever?
I am at a distance. i am not feeling great. I am embarassed. I have called out for help in the most desparate way to my brother-in-law as he has forged a bond with Mountain and I know Mountain would take his words and listen. I have cried out to Erin to talk with Danielle to talk to her brother.......so third forth fifth person scramble.....as i know Mountain values Deans word too. but feathers will be ruffled. Its not my business comes into play. I've even asked for help from my sister.....that still could happen given enough beverage and timing.
i know my close girlfriends would confront him.....but to him they are interfering. they are on my side. They are.........
So i sit I make cookies. i suffer in silence and he asks if i am feeling ok? the part where he is honestly just stupid about this amazes me. I am truly dumbfounded. Which is why I haven't walked yet - cuz he really just doens't Understand what the problem is. all he thinks he is doing is shopping for his daughter with her mother, a friend. He doesn't see it for all it is. He parented himself from the time he was 13. he needs a mommy. he needs and intervention. he needs to be told by someone other than me that this behaviour is going to lose me - the future he has said he is committed to and is pricing out rings and......
so i cry out for help and I wonder if the people he will hear will answer..........
The idea that a person should never endure settling in lieu of being alone is true, you shouldn't. We are not her, we are not alone holiday after holiday and year after year with our only outlet to the outside world her job and her computer. It turns out in a desperate, sick, and lonely woman who doesn't sleep and doesn't eat and is miserable. She needs him. I support your decision, I know above most how much this means to you. I am willing to do whatever it takes to help but for me the sitting is all I can contribute. Waiting is driving you crazy, fighting is driving you crazy and leaving will send you back to crazy. I do not envy your position in this. Patience is not one of your strongest virtues but perhaps this is your test in faith. Head high my friend, I adore you!
after a few hours of ..... on the phone he is on his way here. what I expect? i don't know
he could be on his way to get all his things.........
he could be on his way to continue and to Finally hear me!!!
he was aghast when my dad called. Couldn't understand or believe there was a problem......
Steph I thank you. i was in Aldy about 7 tried calling you several times....home pone was busy.....your cells were off. I was soooo into stopping by!! guess it wasn't in the cards tonight. hope all goes well. he should be here soon.
my family supports me no matter which way it goes. Even though they were really looking forward to a new son-in-law
I hope you didn't feel I was saying you should leave.... I wasn't in any way saying you should be alone over this... I totally respect your decision, I was just saying it was your decision to make and make sure you aren't settling something that is really important to you only to avoid being alone. You aren't ... there are many things you love about him, this is your one issue, though it's a big one ... it isn't one that you can't work past being on the same page. I was just saying you need to be able to communicate without him always walking out on you or you will have many more problems down the road because there will be many times you will need to communicate.... and it must suck always having him walk out on you! I have faith you will do what is right for you and I'm 'here' to listen or whatever you need. I hope all goes well. I'm thinking of you!
although he hates my dad cuz he sees it as my dad sticking his nose in where it doens't belong, but whatev. I asked him to do it. but Mountain feels he needs to direct mis-direct his anger. WE will get over that too. for now
12 comments:
UGH! I hate this part.
Yah.
me too. So far more pro's than con's. Which is great! but can pro's and con's hold different wieghts?
do you follow me?
can to pros equal 1 con or can 1 con need 4 pros to beat it? or is there 1 pro that trumps all cons?
Thats where I am at
I know how difficult the kid can be... my hubby and I are on the same page... have always been. He has always been really supportive of any decisions I make and has always fought for something I believe is right or wrong with her mom. He has never been close with her mom..... it's STILL REALLY difficult! IF she is able to get between you... she WILL! And it will tear you apart if he isn't fully behind you! The things that bother you.... will only get worse.... SHE will only get worse as teens approach (TRUST ME!) and if she gets worse where will that leave you guys and Queen? These are the talks you guys need to sort out. Rules. Sit down and hash out some guidelines and rules... for each of you.... and each of you regarding kids.
blending family can be hell. There are so many gray areas that need to be sorted into a more black and white, so you can be on the same page.
This situation sucks. You frustrations are not unfounded. You are not being unreasonable.
Maybe I am the wrong person to give any input considering we have had D's ex as a houseguest more than once, and have also invited my ex to important events of the kids'. But I don't hang with my ex. Oh except for that one time he bought me a coffee cause we met to get Lex some soccer equipment. But that lasted like 20 mins, not all day long. And when D's ex is here, I show her around and take her and Sam places, not D. Or we have all gone places together. Yes, it's weird but under our circumstances, it works ok and it has shown Sam that we are all a team when it comes to her. WE are definitely not the normal blended family. lol
Soooo... as far as pro's and con's ... ya I think they can hold different weight. And this one friggin big con! I think there are only two real questions here... (1) Are you ready and willing to lose him over this? (2) Can the two of you find a compromise that works for you BOTH?
Sadly, it doesn't sound like he is getting it at all.
I wonder if he is really ready and willing to lose you over this.
yes Muck you have, but NOT in the first couple years of your relationship.
you've been given years as has 'D' to get to that point where old relationships can find a new place in your lives.
Imagine 'D' saying to you, while you were engaged......'S' is coming to stay or I am flying out to Minnesota and since I have no place to stay I'll be staying at 'S' house. It's ok. I'll be on the couch. Or you came home from work when you still lived here and found a message from 'D' saying he and 'S' took their daughter shopping all day, went for lunch and then dinner. Making a whole special day of it.
You'd have Flipped!
FoF- see.....one of the problems is that he won't talk to me about anyhting. We don't see this situation the same and thats the frustrating part. He does not see who Teag is becoming nor does he recognize that his behaviour with the mother as being wrong. His favorite way to talk is leaving........
will it get worse? Yes I am sure it will. Can I live with it? I can so far with lots of anxiety, sick tummy and wine.
Does he realize that i am really really upset by this? I don't think so. Losing him is not something I want to do. As he has been the best thing to walk into my life during my 20 years of dating. Then again I measure my relationship with Mr. big to this......he didn't love me. but he sure as Hell respected my feelings! So if I give this up......being in a loveless respected relationship ain't so bad.
Okay.... compramize is important in any relationship... yes, we accept and love people with flaws and all. BUT you can't let what scares you (being alone or compared to other 'loosers') make you stay with someone. You can't compare to loosers and say well, I'll put up with this because it's better than some loosers. That said.... communication is CRUTIAL for any relationship to be successful! If his form of communication is walking away ... this girl isn't the only problem in the relationship. There will be many more difficult talks that need to be made along the way and if you are left standing alone wondering where you stand..... that doesn't sound like a very healthy, loving place to be. You need to be able to talk about things and perhaps that should be your number 1 .... we sit and talk about this, no walking out on eachother! Cuz it sucks being the one always being walked out on!
I truly believe there is someone out there for you (it may well be him, I don't know) but there IS someone out there who will respect you, value you, love you, and talk things out with you! Not that it will be easy but someone who is willing to fight with you because they would rather fight with you than be with anyone else. You just have to have the standards for it! If you have dated loosers it's because you have allowed yourself to..... and you can do better. If you feel mountain is the one... then fight for it, but don't give up your dignity and respect just to be with him.... compramize is one thing..... but there needs to be communication and respect or it won't work no matter how much you want it to! :)
advice about being alone from people that have never been alone - MY FAV!!!
sorry i know that sounds snarky.
but when you have dated and been and relationshiped as much as I have .......
a good friend asked me not to long ago if you can ever get the whole package? the dream inside your head? Everything that you expect? my answer..........no
I think once you adjust your "whole package" you can. there is not One person out there that has EVERYTHING we want or expect or dream about. Thats an awful Lot of perfect rolled up into one person. he would explode!
but thats what dating is all about. Finding out what fits and what doens't. What is acceptable and what isn't.
Competing with another woman is not my idea of a good time. Once a year. Ever. Do I have all the best of Him? Can i handle once a year? Can I handle ever?
I am at a distance. i am not feeling great. I am embarassed. I have called out for help in the most desparate way to my brother-in-law as he has forged a bond with Mountain and I know Mountain would take his words and listen. I have cried out to Erin to talk with Danielle to talk to her brother.......so third forth fifth person scramble.....as i know Mountain values Deans word too. but feathers will be ruffled. Its not my business comes into play. I've even asked for help from my sister.....that still could happen given enough beverage and timing.
i know my close girlfriends would confront him.....but to him they are interfering. they are on my side. They are.........
So i sit
I make cookies.
i suffer in silence and he asks if i am feeling ok?
the part where he is honestly just stupid about this amazes me. I am truly dumbfounded. Which is why I haven't walked yet - cuz he really just doens't Understand what the problem is. all he thinks he is doing is shopping for his daughter with her mother, a friend. He doesn't see it for all it is.
He parented himself from the time he was 13. he needs a mommy. he needs and intervention. he needs to be told by someone other than me that this behaviour is going to lose me - the future he has said he is committed to and is pricing out rings and......
so i cry out for help and I wonder if the people he will hear will answer..........
The idea that a person should never endure settling in lieu of being alone is true, you shouldn't. We are not her, we are not alone holiday after holiday and year after year with our only outlet to the outside world her job and her computer. It turns out in a desperate, sick, and lonely woman who doesn't sleep and doesn't eat and is miserable. She needs him. I support your decision, I know above most how much this means to you. I am willing to do whatever it takes to help but for me the sitting is all I can contribute. Waiting is driving you crazy, fighting is driving you crazy and leaving will send you back to crazy. I do not envy your position in this. Patience is not one of your strongest virtues but perhaps this is your test in faith. Head high my friend, I adore you!
my dad called him
after a few hours of ..... on the phone he is on his way here.
what I expect?
i don't know
he could be on his way to get all his things.........
he could be on his way to continue and to Finally hear me!!!
he was aghast when my dad called. Couldn't understand or believe there was a problem......
Steph I thank you.
i was in Aldy about 7 tried calling you several times....home pone was busy.....your cells were off. I was soooo into stopping by!!
guess it wasn't in the cards tonight.
hope all goes well. he should be here soon.
my family supports me no matter which way it goes. Even though they were really looking forward to a new son-in-law
I hope you didn't feel I was saying you should leave.... I wasn't in any way saying you should be alone over this... I totally respect your decision, I was just saying it was your decision to make and make sure you aren't settling something that is really important to you only to avoid being alone. You aren't ... there are many things you love about him, this is your one issue, though it's a big one ... it isn't one that you can't work past being on the same page. I was just saying you need to be able to communicate without him always walking out on you or you will have many more problems down the road because there will be many times you will need to communicate.... and it must suck always having him walk out on you! I have faith you will do what is right for you and I'm 'here' to listen or whatever you need. I hope all goes well. I'm thinking of you!
ITS WORKING OUT!!!
although he hates my dad cuz he sees it as my dad sticking his nose in where it doens't belong, but whatev. I asked him to do it. but Mountain feels he needs to direct mis-direct his anger. WE will get over that too.
for now
WE WORKED THROUGH IT!!!
It was a gong show here, wouldn't have been good. I will talk to you soon!
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