Think for just a moment.......you no longer can
Did he cum inside? What about the timing? This is a bad choice? we are making a mistake?
all of a sudden - he did and I did and ............... nothing
Nothing
NOTHING
nothing for 6 months
you stop thinking about whether you can afford it
you stop thinking about whether or not you can fit it in your life
you stop wondering where it will sleep
you stop worrying about a logical plan
you stop worrying about timing, marriage, and what you "should" do
You stop thinking about if this is a smart thing to be doing
you just want it and it is not happening.
you pee on a stick twice a month.
you Fuck when you are not "into it"
you feel broken
Now you count the days cuz you just spent 40+ bux on something that is supposed to tell if you are even ovulating. What if you;re not. What if you are truly done. What if the choice isn;t yours any longer?
Than it shifts to him. He smokes too much. He smokes up too much. It is him. It is him. I am angry with him! I don't want ot be broken. I don't want t be done. I want to have a few years left to make my choices when the time is right.
but there it is.... time is not on my side in this.
6 months. When I saw my doc ....
this is my inner demon. I don't speak of it cuz i realize its not going to get a lot of support or understanding.
I know having a baby now, in this home, in our financial place is not the best choice or decision I ever could make. However, time is not on my side.
like Shelley said ..... it will happen when it suposed to. (not her words but close to it)
I am old. I am 39. yes Steph I know. Special needs, I know. Downs I know.
Lyle and I have talked about the amniocentisis ...... done too late to do anything about a pregnancy that you have already fought for. So amnio, in your Ass. I will take what I get and love it.
so for now......this is my demon that i have kept hidden and quiet for months. SAy waht you will.
I am not pregnant.
I am starting my countdown to stick peeing to learn if I am even in the running for ovulation.
I am starting doc orders
I am broken and it feels like shit
9 comments:
My questions would be.... if he "Smokes too much and smokes up too much" Is that a place for a baby??
But
I need more info! IS there something wrong with you? ARE you broken? I was 25 with my first.... and it took us way longer to get pregnant than I thought it would! What did the doctor say?
Other things to think about: Don't you need to be living together first? Where do Tea and Queen fit in? These are all part of the plan. I know you are throwing logic out the window... but what does that mean for baby?
Just playing devils advocate. I'm not judging and I totally understand! I love motherhood more than anything.... I get it! :) Fate had a funny way of working out for us.
Love, I would never comment about special needs. I had a special needs baby at 22! I know you want a baby with your Mountain man... I just pray that what you want and what you need are the same thing. Irregardless, I am here.
i appreciate the advocate!
we've talked and talked and talked and have been preparing for the last year. Nothing is ideal. Definantly not the smartest thing i've ever thought of doing.
Ideally we'd like to wait for another year or two.
That being said, according to my dr it just might take that long.
dr intervention past 35 is almost immediate, especially since I've already been pregnant a couple of times.
I go for an ultrasound tomorrow
I start finding out this week if I am even ovulating
we have decided that if it takes more than the early steps we are not going any further cuz its just not meant to be.
if we are not meant to have a child together, so be it.
Yes there is a very good chance I am broken, and that sucks. We (myself, Lyle and my Dr) are actaully more concerned that there is something else going on.
Sounds like you have really put a lot of thought into it. Sounds also like you are taking all the right steps. :) We are all here for you!
Darling you are not broken. You have a lovely, beautiful daughter! Nature has a way of turning off certain things at certain times and turning things on at different times. This may be an off time, there may be an on time in the future. Try and be patient.
I know. I love nature! What will be will happen.
Just sucks cause we'd really like to be doing this a different way and time. But when time may not be on your side you take what you can get and change the plan!
right now I am dealing with not being able to get pregnant if and when i want. Its almost de-womanizing. I am also startign to carry a bag of guilt taht i may not be able to give Moutain the child he has always dreamed of. His bloodline. Makes me feel inadequate as his partner.
I realize tht is all crap, Somewhat, but its just how i am feeling. Its been coming stronger and stronger as the months pass. This being why I am now talking about it.
i am scared
Oh Kristi... I'm sorry! I know, you just want the decision to be able to be yours to make... not age, not fate, and not your body! You are in no way inadequate! Just wait and see. Hugs to you my friend!
yah well the fpil happens when suddenly the old saying "be careful what you wish for pops into me head"
Where are we going to put a baby if we get one?!!!!
Freaks the Hell out of me. No matter which way I think about it and No Matter which way life goes. Don't get one, I feel like I'm the Queen that should be be-headed for not producing an heir. If I do get one.......what are we going to do with it?
That being why we have not rushed out to a fertility clinic, as my Dr has suggested and going slowly oh so slowly thru the steps.
I just don't like my bits not working anymore
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