Yesterday was my wedding anniversary!
6 years. Pretty awesome I think. I worked in the yard for a good portion on the day. I really enjoy my yard. The boys had stayed the night, so I had them in the morning till they went home at 11. It was hot and beautiful out. Husband and I decided to not go for a drive or go out. Which was fine with me. i have things to do at the house and getting dressed up with make up just to go for dinner sounded like more effort than I wanted to put in to it. We decided to order in! A Friend of husbands came by and ordered with us. We chatted all night ..... I liked it. It was good.
It was my anniversary. So, I poured myself a glass of chilled J.Lohr. It was ok. HOnestly not at good as I thought it was going to be. I had 2 glasses. Half a bottle - the last glass I ended up dumping out. It was the end of the evening and I had switched back to Tonic.
So thus ending my wagon bound trip at 108 days.
I think about the open bottle on my counter. Do I dump it? Do i drink it when I get home tonight? Do i put it in one of my glass decanters and use it in cooking?
In the end it came down to hiding in drink. I got messy. REally messy cause I was hiding all my stress and frustrations in drink. The mess came because there was not enough alchohol for me to hide in. My issues were soooo huge the booze couldn't hide them from myself any longer .......... any of that make sense?
Do I still have issues?
I got sober and 6 weeks in i realized -- i needed to quit my job ASAP.
I got clear -- my thoughts about different things were the same, I just got to finish them out and come up with solutions. Or just finish the thoughts. I have had lots of time to think -- to go far back in my memories of the years to understand why I felt i need to hide. Why was I running from my own life?
A lot has happened when I think about the last 10 years. Really, it all started with my car accident in 2009 ....... my life, my sense of self, me ... i derailed then. Instead of dealing with the derailment, mourning it, letting it go...... i kept trying to hang on.
So many things have changed in my life since then. So many things that I have had control over and so many I haven't.
2016 pushed me over the edge. 2016 was the catalyst. 2016 destroyed me.
i am still self healing. I am still figuring it out. I will be okay, but I will never be able to take on so much ever again. There are too many scars. Too much damage.
The self realization I have been going thru for the last 108 days has been good. I have been talking to husband the last couple weeks ...... he does tend to shut me down every now and then, but for the most part he listens. This is good as I try to sort the stuff. Soo much stuff. And he is part of that
NOw I must sign off - I do need to get to work -
Blog On
6 years. Pretty awesome I think. I worked in the yard for a good portion on the day. I really enjoy my yard. The boys had stayed the night, so I had them in the morning till they went home at 11. It was hot and beautiful out. Husband and I decided to not go for a drive or go out. Which was fine with me. i have things to do at the house and getting dressed up with make up just to go for dinner sounded like more effort than I wanted to put in to it. We decided to order in! A Friend of husbands came by and ordered with us. We chatted all night ..... I liked it. It was good.
It was my anniversary. So, I poured myself a glass of chilled J.Lohr. It was ok. HOnestly not at good as I thought it was going to be. I had 2 glasses. Half a bottle - the last glass I ended up dumping out. It was the end of the evening and I had switched back to Tonic.
So thus ending my wagon bound trip at 108 days.
I think about the open bottle on my counter. Do I dump it? Do i drink it when I get home tonight? Do i put it in one of my glass decanters and use it in cooking?
In the end it came down to hiding in drink. I got messy. REally messy cause I was hiding all my stress and frustrations in drink. The mess came because there was not enough alchohol for me to hide in. My issues were soooo huge the booze couldn't hide them from myself any longer .......... any of that make sense?
Do I still have issues?
I got sober and 6 weeks in i realized -- i needed to quit my job ASAP.
I got clear -- my thoughts about different things were the same, I just got to finish them out and come up with solutions. Or just finish the thoughts. I have had lots of time to think -- to go far back in my memories of the years to understand why I felt i need to hide. Why was I running from my own life?
A lot has happened when I think about the last 10 years. Really, it all started with my car accident in 2009 ....... my life, my sense of self, me ... i derailed then. Instead of dealing with the derailment, mourning it, letting it go...... i kept trying to hang on.
So many things have changed in my life since then. So many things that I have had control over and so many I haven't.
2016 pushed me over the edge. 2016 was the catalyst. 2016 destroyed me.
i am still self healing. I am still figuring it out. I will be okay, but I will never be able to take on so much ever again. There are too many scars. Too much damage.
The self realization I have been going thru for the last 108 days has been good. I have been talking to husband the last couple weeks ...... he does tend to shut me down every now and then, but for the most part he listens. This is good as I try to sort the stuff. Soo much stuff. And he is part of that
NOw I must sign off - I do need to get to work -
Blog On
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