The Pinks

So a little over a month ago I began the steps to go off the pinks.
They needed adjusting AGAiN!
Friggin anxiety pains dopiensss. I wasn't into it anymore.

I was drinking more to compensate to feel what I could consider 'Normal'.

I was dizzy, forgetting stuff, tired. Holy F tired!! I nearly fell asleep on the highway home from my Bobo's!!! that doesn't EVER happen to me.

Dopey. Oh so dopey.

i was done.

saw my doctor yet again. He said adjustment. Bigger dosage or different drug.

Yah. I said OFFF!

I am done.

They were great When i needed them. SAved my life. TAught me how its supposed to be. How I am supposed to feel. Kept me from driving into traffic. They served there purpose. I am Alive and Loving it!

So the process to go off was interesting.

Had to go to half a dose to start. That was supposed to be for a month. Now maybe you don't remember this....but when I started i was on half a dose and could barely tie my shoes. So I did the half dose for 4 days and said tahts it! Cold turkey bitches!!!!

If I am gonna feel like shit and not function than I might as well just FF'n do it and get it over with.

so I did.
well. Let me tell you.
It was a week I will never forget.
I threw up. but I spent a lot of time over the toilet or next to a bucket.

work? Oh of course I did. Nothing stops me. You should know that. Kept it togetehr for the customre and then barely held it together in the back. My Staff is amazing! they were so great during this time. I don't have secrets, so everyone knew what I was going thru.
It was the paper bag sounds that were really wild.
Voices.....oh yah. I heard em'

everytime I turned my head it sounded like a paperbag was crunching in my ear
How wild is that. Of course i'd always heard it the whoel time I was taking the Pinks but it was never as loud as when I was detoxing.

The best part was the dizzy.

sometimes the ground moved all on its very own self while I was just standing there trying desparatly to hold it down!

Then there were the emotional outbursts.
i went thru a few days where I had this outpouring of love. I just really felt Love. I tried to keep most of it to myself and Mountain as i didn't want to freak anybody out. Than the crying and the tears. Holy moly out of know where shit!
Anger.

Frig. The pills were great cause they stopped me from analizing every little thing.

However...there were some choices i'd made in my stoned state that I hadn't thought thru. than other things that came out of it that I still just overlooked cause by the time it came time to think I couldn't remember what the issue was.

Hence the Removal of Kaila.

So now here I sit.

no more wacky spells of dizziness when i look over my shoulder. the ground does Not have a mind of its own Damnit!!!
My house is a mess and disorganized but i will deal with it.
That was something esle. I just got so laid back.

Frig! I had laundry as far as the eye could see for the last 8 mnths. its was all clean. but Hell it certainly wasn't put away or even folded. Holy frig! recyclable stuff.....everywhere. I jsut couln't time manage to get to it. i spent so much time staring into space with NO thoughts......it was unbelievable.

but Yet i am grateful.

Especially when it comes to a night like tonight when I can just enjoy with Charlotte and have anice time. I've learned and my body has learned how its supposed to work. Hope the lesson sticks. Hope the chemical inbalance I suffer has fixed itself at least a little.....

Well and of course now kicks in the PMS for this month and everywhere I look I can see clutter and dirt. my voice raises but I am able to keep it down for the most part.
Old coping skills? Maybe.

Now my body is going thru adjustments of its own.

i am allergic to avocado's
Cherries??
I have been suffering all week long with the Yuck and gross sexiness of the dripping or crusted up nose and eyes.
but that is all part of my body once again finding itself.
i have been excercising and pounding back water like crazy!!
i fianlly lost 2 pounds!!!
thats of course after I gained 3 from starting to work out to begin with.....FFFF!
Muscles never forget and they are always excited to be remembered. Hopefully my body can remember all by itself how to produce the chemicals it needs to for me not to go off the deep end again!

So I indulged with Bert and Steph about my ephinany on the amount of chemicals i was pumping into my body. Holy carp!

But once again...i am so glad they were there. I needed them. My doctor knew I did so he helped. but he also knows i am a tough nut and i don't see him unless I need to. so he was great when it was time for me to be Off!

I will Remeber the Pinks in a fond way.
There are some I really think need them. they saved my life and I am sure they will save yours too.
I don't have to always be angry. I don't have to have anxiety. It doens't EVER have to be perfect.
Life its too short for that CRAP!!! Mountain has been wonderful thru all of it. we are happy. WE have stuff. Stuff that i will address later. But I think its all workable. Like Bert said.............Fruit Salad.

'Just okay' is good enough for me!