before reading this - keep in mind I am venting and trying to organize my thoughts. Yes your thoughts and opinions can help. Just be reminded....I may not follow through....
My mind has been flooded with the thoughts of this step-child that is or isn't.
Is she considered a step-child when she isn' his?
He considers her his daughter. yet, he has no parental rights.
He doesn't make any decisions for her upbringing, nor is he allowed to.
He is a friend. An Uncle. A glorified babysitter. And I am being dragged along with Charlotte into this. I don't like it.
She runs by a different set of rules than Charlotte and he visibly treats them differently.
Will he ever consider Charlotte his daughter too?
What happens if he and I have a child of our own?
These 3 kids will be separate???
Not in my books!!!
Can I be a step-mother to a child that isn't even his!
He never knows when he is going to see her, therefore I never know when she is going to grace us with her presence.
Her mother is having a baby in the next few months.
The weekends Mountain doens't have Tea her mother has her over at her gramma's. How is this woman going to take care of 2 children when she can't even manage one on her own? Where is Tea going to fit in when niether one of these "parents" is allowing her to fit in anywhere? What am I getting myself into??
I have tried to fit her in here. He separates us at every turn. Or is it the mother......
sure blended families are hard. But this hard?
i don't agree with his parenting choices. Out for dinner at WEndy's SAturday night cuz Tea doesn't like Tuna Casserole. McDonald's for breakfast Sunday morning for whatever reason. Nope, doesn't want vegatable soup for lunch here casue she had only just had breakfast. No routine! Than she is hungry again for lunch at 4 when its going to be supper at 5:30! He never knows when to pick her up or take her home. And the mother can't ever call him becaseu she has a block on her phone for long distance! So the gramma calls him whenever the mother wants to talk to him and he has to call her back!
If I heard that kid ask me one more time on Sunday if she could have some Sprite i was going to let her watch me pour it down the drain!!!
Oh Tea stubbed her toe! Tears and wailing. Give me a Break!
Oh Tea wants to do this....so off they go. Oh Tea wants to do that...so off they go. She doens't want this...
he picked her up sometime around Noon on Saturday. I asked if he was coming back. He doens't know. depends on what Tea wants to do. I asked if i was cooking dinner for 2 or 4. He deosn't know. once again depending on what Tea wants. Charlotte was waiting for Tea all day. so when the phonecall came at 4:04 in the afternoon.....Tea had brought her bike you see and I guess decided at that time she wanted to ride bikes with Charlotte......I reluctantly said ok. I asked, "are you staying for supper then? Cause I'll be starting it soon"
i don't know. fuck me backwards!!!
He got to the house and i announced I was leaving. He can stay with the girls cause I have to leave or I will say and do a whole lot of things I will regret. So I leave.
I come back feeling a bit better about 20 min later.
I start supper. At last minute I decide to make a Big Tuna Casserole cuz Who the Fuck knows who I am feeding and this will feed all of us.
at about the 15 minute marker that it will be ready soon. I remind him, we are eating. Are you staying? I don't know, let me ask Tea. what! you have to Fucking kidding me! nope they aren't. She doens't like Tuna Casserole!
but she asks if she can come back after supper. I am quick to respond...maybe a little too quick....NO!
The next day I have a planned playdate....much needed...for Charlotte and her very dearest friend Jake. I have been telling him about this all week. I reminded him on the saturday. I even reminded him on the Friday when I found out he was getting Tea. This is a playdate for Charlotte and Jake I kept stressing.
Sunday rolls around and Mountain and Tea show up after their McDonalds breakie. I remind him once again that Jake is coming about 2PM. Jake gets here at 1:30 At 3 I have to actaully ask him to leave! Jake only has about an hour left with Charlotte. Mountain is all bent.
During this time I have been putting the final touches on Charlottes room so i don't have to deal with it again till the fall. Trying to get everything done around visits. 1 visit I had control over the other.........well lets just say the cieling still needs to be touched up and Mountain was quick to comment.
Of course I tried my hardest not to glare at him. How the Fuck do you want me to be in there when there are 2 little girls in there playing. Besides the part where you said you were going to build a cabinet and you have Yet to take any measurements!!!! I have told you the game plan all along! The room was to be done. the cabinet is part of it. Get on it!
I don't need your help. I am accepting it.
i can have and measure and buy somehting to go in that space. i can do it myself. But I am letting and happy to let you help. But all it is is words and I don't work that way!
he said about a month ago how he wants to work on having Tea here and building that family unit thing that I keep talking about. he wants her to feel like she has some foundation. Then he gets her and off he goes for his one-on-one time. Which would be fine if it was dinner. Like the special sushi thing they have done the last couple times. But he didn't feel like it this time. Holy Fuck! its not about you!!!
So it becomes a 2 day thing of whatever Tea wants Tea gets.
I said to him....what about the special one-on-one with Charlotte? When is taht? she sees me all the time he says. SO!!!
if you do it with one you have to do it with the rest. You are creating a separation. What happens when more babies come along? you gonna continue this pattern?
..................
i am peeved.
i am trying to get my anger out here so i don't carry it into conversation with him. Its jsut such a Fucked up Attitude. Am I wrong? I mean maybe I am talking out my ass just as much as he is?
Maybe I should jsut say that whenever he has Tea i don't see him?
I must say its my own fault for letting him just come with her whenever. I am letting That pattern happen too. I shuold have said no on the SAturday when he called so late in the day. That is my fault, i see it now.
He said he wasn't staying for dinner...I should have made a point of only making somehting for Charlotte and I instead of making the point of making enough for everyone. Also stupid. I am enabling his bad behaviour.
I see that now that I have typed this all out.
So maybe that is the answer. If he says this is whats happeneing I should hold him to it! That might be better than any conversation I have with him, since he doens't seem to "get" any of it.
Maybe the only conversation I will have is to ask him if he can make up a routine with Leah of when he has Tea.
And then I will apoligize for my attitude on Saturday & Sunday as I was frustrated with the lack of any kind of organization.
Carp!
I better go.
lots of words. lots of thoughts and I havne't even gotten ready for work yet and I ned to be there soon!
thanks for listening :)
15 comments:
this is just ME but: I would tell him all or nothing when he has her.
EITHER you act like a family and no special treatments for one and not the other OR when you have her don't bother coming around. You either ARE a UNIT or you are NOT. I don't see how you can have it both ways and the differences in the ways he treats both girls is not fair. It has to stop or do it somewhere else.
Sorry hun, I know this is eating at you.........it would me too!
I agree with the schedule, your weekends are your time off! You should be able to plan or not plan events with him and without him. I would spin it less about the kid and more about his behavior. He is allowing her to control the situation. If he doesn't know what she wants take that as a no. A couple of suppers without enough to go around or you at my place and him not knowing about it... I think it will snap him into reality!
I'm with litlsassy20. He is ending up doing what classic seperated Dads do with their kids and spoil them rotten instead of treating them like proper kids and him still being a parent. Sounds like he is as confused about HIS role in her life and she is about his. It's madness to let it continue in that way.
A schedule would be a start.
God gave you a voice lady - use it!
the voice is not being heard
he says he can't live by schedules and routines.
Fine. Then you won't. but I do and will.
so I am making plans without him!
and so you should!
you go girl. I agree with what everyone here previously said.
The big question is Why should you? Why should you and your daughter put your life on hold for a kid that isn't even his? In his eyes she is I get that... Very noble, now parent her and make her a part of things not the cause of things like tension.
Sadly, the reality of the situation may very well be that he will never change the way he is handling things with Tea/schedules, so it is going to be on your shoulders. You continue to plan your time as you have always done, and he is going to have to learn to work around that. After all, I don't see a ring on your finger, so I am pretty sure you are free to live by your own schedule.
That sucks that he is so wishy-washy that way, cuz he is a great guy!
everything else....GREAT! its great. He steps up to the plate no problem and takes stuff on and is my partner.
With this....we jsut don't see eye to eye. I have been trying to see in my crystal ball the last couple days to try and see how life will be in 5yrs if he continue's this way with Tea....i don't like what is staring back at me.
So now I have to figure out a new way to deal with it.
he is Stupid. Just so Stupid. so he doesn't listen to words no matter how polite, nice or on the other side of ordery. So now its actions. And I think purposful making a point actions is what is needed.
Childish? Yes. But it seems I am dealing with a chilish person.
If that doens't work......
than I need to get my big girl panties on.
All I am asking for is a plan. it doens't even have to be a long plan. A co0uple months plan! I don't think its much to ask
Okay.... I'm finally going to comment! I'm going to play the devils advocate side..... I HATE plans on my weekends!!!! My weekends are my time to relax. I don't NOT make plans if something comes up.... but I love leaving my time un-scheduled on my weekends. The planning and schedule wouldn't matter in my world... BUT the him not disciplining her and her not having the same rules would seriously bother me. Your house: your rules. Just like at school are school rules. A couple month plan??? For me..?.. no thank you!
The point is not the schedule! Would you not want to know FOF if there were going to be 2 or 4 for dinner ora plan on when they have her so they can go on holidays? Being in a blended family with the other parent involved has to be planned! Has to! Otherwise you have 3 parents making plans with one child. I disagree with the partner thing too. He is a good boyfriend but a partner shares half the load. He is creating a bunch of crap and is not helping with charley at all! Where is her special time? Where is the sharing in that? Boyfriend one thing partner, they are tougher to find!
see thats just it FoF. I don't get weekends to be mine cause I never know when I am sharing them with another kid.
I make a date for Charlotte and I to do soemthing and then BAM! another person is thrown at me.
all I want to know is what weekends she will be here and when she won't be.
Then i know what weekends truly are mine.
As far as him helping with Charlotte. He does. Accept when Tea is here. It all changes.
"okay baby girl blah, blah, blah....." Its sick to watch!
Yup... I get all that... but he is dealing with some psycho who can yank everything from him if she so desires... and he wouldn't have a right to protest. Until the girls is old enough to make the decisions on her own.. he kinda has to jump through moms hoops. She won't set up a routine... so he takes the time when he gets it. For me.... dinner, wouldn't be a big deal... holidays, would be too bad we are away... yes you should be able to take holidays and tell her mom you need to know if she will be coming or you will be unavailable. I guess I'm just trying to say he is one man trying to please a lot of ladies. Tea is important... thus meaning her mom has to be kind of important because keeping her happy depicts weather or not he gets to see Tea. You and Queen are important... and juggling all of you I'm sure boggles his mind at times.... each of you having your seperate demands on him. :) That's all... I'm not trying to say you are wrong for feeling any of what you are feeling..... just trying to say I'm sure things suck for him sometimes too trying to walk on eggshells to continue to see Tea. I know when I met Mike... he did the SAME things.... and L IS his daughter. People don't care about the dads... he would bus to pick her up on HIS weekend and mom would laugh and tell him he can't have her and slam the door in his face. Pissing off mom always meant he didn't get to see his daughter. Police don't get involved... they tell you to take it back to court... mom doesn't show up for court... blah blah.... you get the idea. He was terrified of moms mood swings and he HAD rights .... he too also gave L everything her little heart desired... partly because he didn't want time with her to be negative... partly because he felt guilty for her psycho mom and how she was treated there.... either way she was bratty and spoiled .... and he had rights.... I can't imagine how helpless Mountain must feel. I also know how frustrating it is to be in your position too!! I really do!
well I tried talking to him agisan last night. I think i may have gotten thru a bit!
i know all the eggshell stuff. Thing is.....I'm done with it.
I'm done analyzing and understanding. I know its hard making everyone happy.
I told him that if he feels that he's her parent than start acting like one instead of being Tea's own private amusement park. I also hit a nail when I told him he is doing and being the same type of Sugar Daddy to Tea as one of Leah's "dads" was to her. I talked to him about how he is building an adult and what kind of adult does he think he is contributing too?
There was lots of silences as I spoke cuz I was doing my best not to lecture and he listened and responded.....
he was still pissed and in the end told me I was over-stepping my boundaries. So I shut-up realizing I'd hit some nerves and for once I think some of what I said sunk in.....be it small...but it did.
I do appreciate your insight FoF as I know you have been somewhat in this situation.
I also told him dealing with Leah was like dealing with a highschool kid. So Many Games! I also told him that I have written off his friend Kori cuz of the same games, but I will do my best to make it work and figure somehting out with Leah, cuz like it or not we will aLL be in each others lives for the rest of our lives.
Something I know and realize, but really don't think she has given it that kind of thought. She may change how she deals if she actually realized that part of the equation.
Please keep your insights coming.
Devils Advocate? Kewl! Sometimes I need to see it from another view.
Thanks
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